Your Monthly Minor Media Mangling of Misanthropic Mastication

 Your love is like monkeys flinging poo

What will be revealed in the latest government UFO/UAP Dog and Pony Show?

That Biden forgot how to spell UFO? No.

The truth. 

Ok, some form of the truth.

Damn near a tiny part of the truth, at least.

Can you imagine? 

• alien ships creating traffic jams by flying over congested areas in great numbers. Rubberneckers taking time to stare, making morning commute even more ridiculous. Assholes find out that when you beep angrily at saucers, the occupants stop, get out, and blast you with their ray gun. You ain't comin home tonight, idiot. Traffic gets much more polite.
• aliens becoming integrated into society. Even they laugh at hip facial hair and man buns.
• abductions take place in the open, aliens admit anal probes were a joke.
• aliens charged for cattle mutilations
• aliens demand to be recognized as alien-Americans
• world hostilities stop. Except for China, of course.
• aliens discover alcohol, fail at one-nighters due to equipment incompatibilities.
• saucers start to display bumper stickers - No Fat Blezamps, My Other Car is a Ford, If You Can Read This, You're in Black Projects, I Heart Roswell

Almost related: Can you imagine the first manned trip to Mars when Astronaut #3 forgets his cigarettes? It will be the 1st time a ship ever turned around (at the cost of $2 billion). Everybody wants to grow lettuce on Mars - he wants to grow tobacco. When asked about filters, he says, "Filters are for sissies" (in John Wayne's voice). He gets put in the cargo hold during landing because he keeps asking "ARE WE THERE YET - I NEED A CIG." He gets his own tent because no one else wants to smell like an ashtray. Wipes out the Martians after he teaches them to smoke. When told about this, he says, "Oh man, that's heavy - I need a cigarette." Rest of the astronauts feel superior because they all have NASA blunts. He can't leave Mars for Earth because he's almost out of cigarettes and can't bring his tobacco plants on the ship. The others are terrified of him losing his lighter, because he'll wander outside the ship and use the afterburners to light up.

• The tobacco companies didn't know this shit was addictive like the CIA didn't know crack was addictive.

Today I identify as  screwed

• a fire broke out the other day, in a Washington, DC, Green Zone. The fire was quickly warned to disburse, and when it failed, it was shot and pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. Trump was blamed for fanning the flames.
• The National Guard hopes this serves as a warning to all who plan violence in the area.

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Eat Good Fat, I'm Not Hanging Noodles on Your Ears, Shaft, Inside Phuket Airport

• didja ever break into a lost one's apartment and stay there for a while cuz you missed them? 
• No, not me, I swear. I prefer to wear a piece of their clothing. Like their underwear. This is why I always chose girlfriends who were the same size as me.
• I broke up with somebody once (just once). She'd ignore me then call me to come pick her up somewhere. When I got there, she wasn't around. Then she'd tell me I needed to leave her alone. I think she broke into someone's apartment.

You have no choice but to watch Big Pharma commercials. One of the side effects they tell you to look for is a rash on the perineum, which is the patch of skin between your anus and front-facing plumbing. How in the universe do oral medicines put a rash there? Why is that exact spot important? How can you get people to check it for you? 

Have no worry, fair readers, because you are among the most well-informed readers on the planet. Just in case you aren't intimately familiar with perineal issues, here is a search, complete with pictures (pitchers or pixtures if you live in Philly).

One of the causes is Stevens Johnson Syndrome, named after 2 dudes named Stevens and Johnson, who were the guys who discovered it. Not wanting to have their names associated with this nasty business, they used fake names (although we happen to know their names are Robert Johnson and James Stevens). According to the literature, Stevens Johnson can be caused by anything from sneezing too hard to truck driving to really serious anal sex, and I mean serious. The thrust here, and I am not referring to anal sex, is that this is Really Nasty, and you should get your perineum to the hospital ASAP.

Next week: why search engines mix up perineum with perianal 

Dear lefty 

• In class today, Teacher handed out samples of a food we were discussing. I got nothing, even after some got seconds. What do Good Manners call for?
• ask the teacher if you somehow became invisible, rip the seconds out of the others' hands, clap the erasers over the teacher's samples, or simply whizz on the floor. I guarantee you this will never happen again
• sometimes you need to make a bold statement to be remembered. In that case, find the biggest student in class and whizz on him. This will raise your place in the pecking order and cement your social status

Today the Russians hacked into my bank, but failed to raise my balance. They listed my penis as 8" on the bank form, so I have that going for me.

• On Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love," the first phrase of the guitar lead is the melody from "Blue Moon."

Working from home has required very few adjustments. From me.

I cannot say the same for Others. In fact, sometimes Others make me want to go back to the office.

Today's meeting topic is...

[5 year old who everybody knows sings beautifully] La la LA LA LA lalala

I'm in a MEETING!

Oh, sorry.

And Bob will be telling us about...

BARK BARK BARK BARK

Using Microsoft Teams...

La La La lalalala

No, really, I'm in a meeting.

Oh, sorry.

...and sending a meeting invitation to...

CLANG BANG BOOM BOOM POP BARK BARK BARK BARK

STILL in a meeting.

I wasn't singing, I was cleaning.

Sometimes you clean louder than garbage trucks.

This way we'll all be able to attend...

YEAH, RIGHT, MEN ARE SCUM AND YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Can you please not yell at the tv?

Was I yelling? If I don't tell them, how will they know? LOOK AT THAT HAIR! CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Technology is amazing, and you can find an answer to most of your problems. I bought one of those ON AIR signs to light up when I'm in a meeting. It was a tremendous idea, which I now realize will fail spectacularly...

Hi, what should I do with these pencils?

[pointing to ON AIR sign]

Oh, sorry. I didn't look.

Lalalalala, La la...

[pointing to ON AIR sign]

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Oh, sorry. I didn't see the piercing red sign blinking at eye-level.

Oh sorry. The dog distracted me.

I saw the sign, but I needed to know about the pencils!

I'm thinking of adding Remote Shock capability to the sign, so the 2nd time it hears noise, it shocks the person (not the dog) making the noise. Ok, maybe a mechanical buzzer-thing to scare the crap out of them. Technically speaking, my job makes the pencils a reality, knowwhatimsayin? 

• for any of you curious about bipolar disorder, 1 days it's bed the whole day. The next day it's 6 hours of singing and yelling at the tv. Fortunately it's well-controlled.

So we all know not to judge a book by its cover, right?  I just found a concert video station and tune in to see what's on now and then. I noticed whenever I see man buns, shaved sides of heads, or fancy facial hair, the music absolutely sucks. I'll be sure to let you know if I see man buns and the music's great, ok? I'd strongly advise against extensive breath-holding.

Ask 12 musicians and you'll get 12 answers as to which is the lowest form of music. I have endless lowest forms of music, but combine lowest forms of music with movies and you have a recipe for disaster: yes, the musical. Even the dog hates musicals.

I remember watching the movie with L.A. in its title, because everybody was raving about it. Someone asked a question, and BANG - off it went into song. It got no better and was stopped 5 minutes in. I am particularly upset that there was no kind of warning before the movie, like WARNING: in case you didn't know, this is a MUSICAL. Act accordingly. You should probably watch Airplane again, like you always do. They label movies, why not a musical warning?

I should probably love movies, being a musician, but.... they make my skin fall off. A character can answer with a syllable or 2, without breaking into song. Especially when the song sucks. Hmm... this could also explain my dislike of musicals. How about if we develop a rating system for them?

1. at maximum, 1 song. Still tasteful.
2. over 2 songs - definitely getting uncomfortable.
3. it's a full blown musical - AVOID!

I have a good friend who performs in musicals. They have to load me up with liquor and give me a bullet to bite down on, so I don't interrupt the show. Then they whisk me to the car as soon as the show is done, so I don't tell my friend what I think of musicals. Mrs lefty, a very clever woman, says the key to living with me is learning to manage me. It cuts way down on her embarrassment and I'm too stupid to notice, so it's a win-win.  

Related, but not, is the invasion of music into tv shows, generally at the end, before the credits. It started relatively recently and created howling. If you don't believe me, go to your window and open it at the end of a popular show. Listen for the howling. Aren't you surprised? Any shows having music before the end are to be completely avoided, plus a letter to the show, producers, and tv network sent. Tell them we're going to Cancel the show if they keep putting songs in it. Other groups Cancel things for racism or whiny complaints about how someone offended them. We cancel for a real, present danger to the American public: songs in tv shows. Lucifer, the actual devil on earth, does not require music to do his satanic thing. It doesn't help the characters resolve their inner conflicts. It doesn't even help them achieve bowel movements when slightly constipated.

I will not even begin to go into shows being 24 minutes long, to make room for the inane commercials. There are special boxes and software to compress shows to exactly this amount of time to fit. It's pretty damn funny that after 6 minutes of inane commercials, I cannot remember 1 of them, nor what they were for.  Oh, the one where the guy is on the beach? That's pretty funny. What's it for? I have no idea. I think they were selling emus.