Graham Chapman is Still Funnier than Jerry Seinfeld

 Your love is like  noticing it's starting to rain. as you're at the picnic.

In the latest We Have No Idea What We're Talking About - Flying AIDS Division:

US officials publicly question AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine data

“may have provided an incomplete view of the efficacy data,”

America's Doctor (Mengele), Anthony Fauci, said

The announcement may contribute to some unnecessary hesitancy around the AstraZeneca vaccine

 the public said

OMG, are you f-ing kidding us. Again?

 the American Association of Bicycle Repairmen said

Eh, somebody's not telling us the truth. Hand me that wrench?

 the World Association of Drug Addicts said

and they're upset at the stuff WE put in our veins....

 Douglas Adams' note to self reveals he found writing to be torture. He was so good at it. The man was hysterical.

The man who wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe had a lot of anxiety around writing.  You can get in on the crowdfunded hardback book, to be published in 2022. I will.

• To the shock of absolutely no one, President Biden has already jumped up to call for gun control, in the wake of the supermarket shooting.

Endowed by their creator... life, liberty, pursuit of happiness... etc..

The First Amendment acknowledges that Americans are already endowed with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Second Amendment does the same for guns.

They are pre-existing rights.

"Common sense gun control" is a phrase to catch people who don't think critically and don't know or care about their rights.

It is up to all of us to guard our rights. They're being taken away by bits... soon we'll have few, if any...

• Miami has overreacted with the emergency curfew (black leaders)
• agreed
• It's so bad, 2 on spring break were bitten by sharks
• the sharks are obviously racist

Today I identify as  Jimi Hendrix. It's done wonders for my playing, but not much for my respiration.

• Lemmy Kilmister was one of the baddest asses in rock. He had his ashes put into bullets, given to his closest friends.

There are hierarchies to everything in life.

For instance, the UFO people comb the tv networks and internet for news and documentaries.

While combing, they come across Bigfoot documentaries. This is beneath them. These people are nuts. Bigfoot! Imagine.

There's that Tsoukalos guy... ALIENS! Aliens built the pyramids. C'mon.

While I haven't checked with any particular groups for their reaction, I just came across a documentary on Latina trans beauty pageants. I have no thoughts or ranking of these folks - they deserve their own, like everyone else. But the guy with the large wig, 5:00 shadow, and lisp, is somewhat obvious when you hit that channel. There is an episode of COPS when they pull over a guy on his way to a female impersonator contest. Be honest - he looks like he did his homework. Except for the full beard. To keep the hilarity going, the cop asks about pageants.

So I'm going to take a step and rank trans beauty pageants a step below 'conventional' beauty pageants, which are already below Bigfoot level.  

Before anybody gets upset or offended, if I can poke fun at UFOnauts, Bigfoot hunters, and beauty pageants, trans pageants are fair game. 

So we've established that I've never sued anybody, and that I'm not offended. 

Not much of an American, am I?

I feel kinda....  small.

I seek your help. Please send suggestions, via Comments, about what I can be offended by. Not your niggling little offenses that I write about. A really GOOD offended. A take to the streets, write to the editor, blind rage, red-in-the-face, cancel culture offended.

Thank you.

• Just to make things more interesting on the Flying AIDS front, some of the hand sanitizers that people hoarded contain a carcinogen called benzene. We were told to wash our hands like Obsessive-Compulsive hand-washers.
• Apparently benzene is ok, then. You know, aside from than cancer thing...
• yet another reason to scrap most of the government - they're useless and only suck up tax dollars.

Speaking of which, the gunman, Ahmad Alissa, was known to the FBI.

The FBI: known for setting up acts of terror then arresting the hapless perpetrator...

So the NSA, which is not allowed to play on American soil, taps every conversation in the country, but the FBI knows of an Islamist, who has made ridiculous Faceyspaces posts... his own family said he was mentally ill.

Scrap most of the government. Peacefully. At the voting booth.

• The Flying AIDS has caused a rise of 7.4% in streaming music revenues
• hasn't done a thing to make music better 

Wow.... just above I mentioned the First Amendment and rights disappearing.

A doctor is up on hate crimes charges for using an ethnic slur. This, while not particularly nice, is still free speech. The SJWs are gutting #1A. The doctor's behavior was reprehensible, including keying the man's car. Again, sometimes free speech is ugly, but that's the price of free speech - sometimes you disagree with it. These laws need to be tested in courts.

• RIP George Segal (87) - complications during bypass surgery

Mike Ditka is shilling for life insurance.

The kind where you can't be turned down.

Best of all, there's a 60 day money back guarantee.

If you buy life insurance, how could you possibly use a 60 day guarantee?

I want my $10 back. 

Why?

Ummm..... just cuz.

Why?

Discrimination.

We do not discriminate. 

Yeah... but... you don't offer it for people over 100.

I'm going to rush you your refund. If you're local, I'll personally bring it by.

Why?

Because no business wants you as a customer. Entire customer service manuals are written about the likes of you. They all say to get rid of you, as quickly as possible.

I want my $10 back.

Why?

Substandard coverage.

You signed up for it.

Hidden clauses.

You had every clause on the papers you signed.

It was in 10 point Roman. 

That's the most readable font.

It's too small.

Operators are available 24/7 to read it to you or for any questions.

I didn't like it.

How can you not like life insurance? Did you have a chance to use it? 

Ummm... no. 

Then what's the problem?

Can I get it in a different color?

It's life insurance. It doesn't come in any color.

I want my $10 back

Why? 

It doesn't work right.

Doesn't work right? 

Doesn't work right.

In order to use it, you have to die. 

Oh.

Have you died within the last 60 days?

Er... no.

Then how could you say it doesn't work right?

I almost died.

Almost died?

I had an operation for a hangnail, which didn't go right, and almost died.

We don't cover almost died. 

But I had a Near Death Experience

Did it cost you anything to get there?

Well, no.

Then we don't cover it.

I wet myself.

Unless you actually died and your beneficiary makes a claim, you haven't used the insurance. 

I don't like it.

What about it don't you like?

Tuesday.

Do you have any serious complaints?

I found another company that charges $4.99 a month, instead of $5.

REFUND PROCESSED - you're worth whatever it costs to get rid of you 

• How much financial damage could you possibly do by shooting yourself?
• If you're an F-35, that would be $2.5 million in damages. Yes, the plane shot itself.
• the most expensive weapon ever made, at $135 million each. Expected to cost more than a trillion over its lifetime
• The Pentagon kept news away from Trump because they wanted to keep warring in Syria. And we've been in Afghanistan for how long? Are you starting to get the picture? It has nothing to do with 'defending our freedoms.'

Dear America:

We need $250k this week to buy some hacking tools to spy on you. 

That's on top of the regular budget, of course. Please. It's for the children.

Love,

the FBI

[the FBI's 2020 budget request was $9.31 billion, plus $144.9 million for 'program enhancements']

• After AstraZeneca's announcement that its new vaccine was 79% effective, the government smacked their little peepee and explained why this figure was incorrect. As a result, Astra downsized their result from 79% to 76%.
• And you said the Feds taking 30% of your income was too much.

Jay Leno is sorry for making at least 9 jokes about Asian-Americans in his career.

How does a comedian with that many years of work behind him make such a stupid statement?  OHHH.... Media Action Network for Asian Americans targeted him.

ThermionicEmissions' statement:

Comedy is comedy. We will make no apologies. Everybody is fair game. Comedy is no longer comedy when there are sacred cows of which we are not allowed to make fun. Comedy is about making fun of sacred cows.

We are in no way responsible for the actions of maladjusted, hate-filled miscreants and we condemn any and all violence. This is not the fault of the entertainers. The abusers need to take personable responsibility for their actions.

We will not be silent.

(he says, with upwards of 20 visitors and nobody saying anything to him about his content) 

George Carlin had that great bit - 7 words you can't say on tv

They are: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

We are saddened by George's passing but need to update the list for 2021:

fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, nigger, and asian

Also remember: stereotypes do not appear from a vacuum.

We don't make jokes about Asian drivers because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Asian students being so smart because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Jews being in high positions because we don't like Jews.

We don't make black crime jokes because we don't like blacks.

etc.

 

So things all over are higgledy-piggledy because there's a ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Seriously. It's affecting shipping worldwide, because the canal cuts 11 days off going around the continent. 

Turns out the captain was Asian, trying to make a u-turn in the middle of the canal.

[how's THAT for topicality and timing?]

Sergeant - Arm the Dog Hair Bomb

Your love is like  used wrapping paper

It's early, I'm sitting down to work, and something's tickling me at the outside of my awareness. I know there's something just a bit off. I must've left a machine on. Nope. Look, look... an old machine I used to use has powered itself up, for no particular reason. Either that, or they're becoming alive.... ever wonder what they do when you're not around?  Yes, Mr. FBI agent, they must've turned themselves on and downloaded those files....

I just discovered I was the only one in my crew working on a (surprise) day off a few weeks ago. It's the smart wuns that make them really stoopid mistakes. As my childhood friend said, "You're the dumbest smart person I know."

Today I identify as  a coworker who never seems to do much

A small number of Flying AIDS patients develop severe psychotic symptoms.

Which seems to explain Congress....

Military recruiting crisis looms with youth too flabby to defend nation.

Who coulda seen that coming?

PRIVATE, gimme 10!

1... 1 and a half....

I said 10, maggot!

I... I can't... sir

10 laps around the course.

Sir.. I can't get to the starting gate.

What can you do, sissy?

You have any game consoles that need hacking? Chips that need eating?

Go up that ladder!

Can't, Sir - too far to go and afraid of heights.

Firing range!

No, Sir. Guns kill, like words. 

I SAID PICK UP THE GUN!

Too heavy, haven't had my Red Bull today.

In non-related news, human remains were found on Joint Base San Antonio. It appears recruits need to defend themselves from the military, not foreigners.

The Boeing 737 MAX is set to return to the skies (and hopefully not to the ground). Boeing has renamed the plane 738 MAX, in hopes no one will notice.

Tesla sales have somewhat slowed of late because they explode like a flamethrower. The slight dip in sales was followed by a surge in sales, among thrill-seekers, who enjoy the rush of knowing their car can burst into flames at any moment. Like fire. Fire good.

Tesla says that if you feel the car starting to go up in a fireball, get out of it and call their hotline: 1-666-GO BOOM. Tesla's plan to send a fire truck and another Tesla went up in flames, so to speak, when the replacement Teslas also blew up.

You better refund my money or I'll park my Tesla outside your store.

Wanna date? We'll go in my Tesla. It'll be a blast!

Sign in front of AT&T buildings: No Tesla Parking  

I have had some of the greatest sex of my life in my Tesla. It always ends in me getting blown to bits.

The Odyssey and even Dr Seuss have been burned by the Cancel Crowd, for use in schools. 

children shouldn’t have to read stories written in anything other than the present-day vernacular—especially those in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm,”

 I, for one, welcome this Puritan-like censorship, if it means no more Shakespeare. Also canceled were:

• Homer Simpson: attitudes about junk food
• the one with the whale, Animal Farm, To Kill A Mockingbird: animal abuse
• Hansel and Gretl: elder abuse
• Catcher in the Rye: John Lennon abuse
• Green Eggs and Ham: promotes lax attitudes about food safety
• Roadrunner: everybody knows Coyotes are a code word for Jews
• Frankenstein: corpse-ism, many-isms depending on who the parts came from
• The Taming of the Shrew: sexism
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: able-ism
• King Lear: feudalism
• Gulliver's Travels, Little Women: height-ism
• Harry Potter: hatred of witches and potters

Anthony Warner, alleged RV bomber, is starting to show up in the press, with all sorts of stories of what happened before he allegedly blew himself (and AT&T) up. The FBI is investigating, which can only mean one thing: Warner was very low on the IQ scale, and was telling people he wanted to blow something up. The FBI encouraged him to go ahead, gave him the explosives, and now have named the culprit. They've done this a number of times, including a NY building bomber.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Through the Water Curtain and other Tales from Around the World, Uber Eats Clone

In case you think I'm a tinfoil cap wearing loon, check this article out, about cars being a treasure trove of information. While it's true, I am a tinfoil cap wearing loon, there's a reason for guarding your privacy with all the great new technology we have. 

The telematics system stores a vehicle's turn-by-turn navigation, speed, acceleration and deceleration information, as well as more granular clues, such as when and where the lights were switched on, the doors were opened, seat belts were put on and airbags were deployed.

This is just the beginning, especially if you allow the car access to your phone. This information is being accessed by police, advertisers, and who knows who else. Here's a business opportunity - a garage that hacks this crap out.

• The Flying AIDS bill has an interesting attachment: our spy agencies are given 180 days to disclose the truth about UFOs. 
• Damn. 
• Well, they can tell the truth OR they will say they have nothing responsive to the request. I say Rubio and Trump, with the press, should walk into Wright Patterson base and show everybody what's there. 

HIM: Let's play Epstein

HER: What's Epstein?

HIM: You ask me to massage you, then make me take my clothes off and have sex with you.

HER: ok, but only if you let me suicide you when we're done

• Wonder Woman 1984, yet another remake, is having questionable box office returns. Industry professionals are afraid to state that it might have something to do with having a trans man in the title role.

Queens of the Stone Age: they've been around for a while, but I haven't heard much from them, so I dove head first into a concert on tv. You know what they say about diving... make sure there's water in the pool. It's ok, I don't like anything.

• the Polk County, Florida, sheriff authorized a sting operation at a flea market, of vendors selling 'pirate' Amazon Firesticks.
• Don't they have any illegal gatherings to bust up?

It's lonely at work. The loneliest person ever is always the one running a meeting. I don't know who pulled their body parts out, but no one will respond to a thing the moderator says. It's not like anybody's going to get in trouble for an answer or much of anything. They just don't speak.

MOD: Hey, everybody. Good morning.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Am I on? Can everybody hear me?

EVERYBODY: [silence].. [silence].. uncomfortable [silence].. [1 person] Uhh, yes.

MOD: So, you're all fired.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Just kidding. You all got a raise.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: I'm trying to decide where to put the servers - behind the firewall, or just out on the internet, where anybody can get to them. Thoughts? Security Department?

EVERYBODY:

This is every meeting, whether 3 or 300 participants, regardless of moderator. Anybody who's read this blog more than once knows I abhor a vacuum. I was raised strangely, in that if someone asks me a question, especially someone who's paying me, I answer it. No one told me that was optional, so everybody got to know my voice. I realized I take some of the pressure off my teammates because they figure I'll answer the questions or do the work. OH, I get it.

I learned a valuable lesson at my first job: when the boss says 'we', he means 'you.' "We need to get that area cleaned up." The only time it didn't mean 'you' was when he said "We need to go to lunch with that hot rep."

The other day I let someone else lead, vowing to give only factual, 2 syllable answers. No sarcasm (someone wanted to check my pulse). This was because of a variant on the First Lesson: This is messed up. What are 'you' going to do about it? Gee, fella, what 'we' would normally do is call 'you' because it's 'your' equipment. 

Let me explain it another way: you set it up, you have admin rights, you fixed every issue we've had with it (after we called your boss). Whereas, we only have user rights and honestly believe there are squirrels running on a belt inside the machine.

Let me explain it another way: when I take my Chevy to the dealership because it's leaking something that looks flammable, the dealer doesn't ask me how I'm going to fix it. He just fixes it, claims the problem was out of warranty, and charges me for a new engine.

Let me explain it another way: when your wife wrecks the Chevy and asks what 'she' is going to do about it....  "Oh, I get it. Nothing more to say - I'll call you when it's fixed."

I want to learn to not answer questions in a meeting, but it's so hard... letting that dead air go... when I know the answer. Or use the opportunity to suggest getting rid of Windows and using linux on all servers. Sometimes people speak when I say this stuff... it's usually a mixture of groaning and loud applause. I have a new exercise: before I answer, I remember there are a lot of extremely intelligent people who have been there a long time and are in departments way over mine, so if they don't answer, maybe I shouldn't. 

Nah, just kidding - I have no problem telling highly capable people above me they're wrong. Plus somebody's gotta answer... don't they?

• Fish spaghetti?

Dear lefty 

• Why hasn't there been a Dear lefty in the last few pages?
• we're tired of your whining 
• Look, I'm serious.
• you don't look serious
• My girlfriend said either the guitars go or she goes. What do I do?
• ask her for a forwarding address 

Ebay is soliciting reviews on things people buy. Here's my first one:

It looked really great in the description. I tracked it anxiously, every day, even when it spent 2 weeks in the Delivery Abyss. So if it ever arrives, I'll jump back on and leave another review. How long should I wait until I cancel the order?

There are certain actors who get typecast in a role, for better or worse.

One of my all time favorites is John Astin (Gomez Addams). Sometimes I wonder if he was really acting. Whenever he popped up on different shows, all I saw was Gomez playing the part. That twinkle in his eye, that slight smile, that Zen Yogi. Morticia (Carolyn Jones) fared much better in other roles. One could argue it had something to do with not wearing a long black wig and a dress that only allowed her to shuffle. 

Then there was the Greatest Supporting Actor in a Comedy Who Never Got Recognized, Stephen Stucker (Johnny in Airplane). I just can't imagine him leaping into the air in a different movie, saying "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" or "and Leon's getting larrrrrrger." (RIP)

Forget John Cleese (or any of the Pythons) doing serious roles. There will always be a bunch of guys in the back, shouting "This parrot is dead. It's a stiff!" Note: this does not apply to Michael Palin's series on railway trips. He's dead serious. So very serious. Incredibly serous. I watched most of a show, waiting for a punchline. I broke my own leg.

Who else? Leave a comment.

• Why does this software make me log in to tell me I have been logged out, then I have to log back in? Was the alcohol flowing freely that day?

Happy New Year.

2020 is about to bite the big one, none too soon.

I wish you

Good health, happiness, financial and all sorts of other whoopee.

Read the label carefully.

Tell your pets Penny said hi.

Please don't drink and do much of anything else. Or just drink virtually.

Take your medicine (as prescribed)

Keep coming back and tell your friends (I can't get my own family to read this)

-lefty

Buy a tree, get a free Mercedes!

Battleships Confide in Me and Tell Me Where You Are

Don't blame me... it's a Yes lyric, from Yours is no Disgrace.

• Airbnb claims its AI can predict whether guests are psychopaths.
• I can't speak for the technology, but it would explain why there's never an available reservation for me.
• Among other things, it mines your social media posts. Think abut that for a moment.

5 steps to protect your privacy in 2020, courtesy of Duckduckgo.com and Spreadprivacy.com

• I hate like hell to do this, but I try to be helpful... you can still downgrade to Win 10. Here's the method. No idea how long this will last.
• If you've decided to join the stampede to a different operating system, ANY operating system, there's always MAC and linux. Neither has a huge learning curve, they're both more stable, they're not advertising platforms, and no one spies on you (that's an assumption with MAC). You can try linux out without altering your system in any way, using a USB stick. You can also dual-boot Win and lin. Ask if you have questions or need tips.

Since I'm ranting anyway, and since I'm a glutton for punishment, we went out for breakfast the other day. Things have been much better since the days when my order would be forgotten or messed up. No one asks me to sit at a different table so their order will come out. We went to Ihop. There's an Ihop right around the corner, so we drive to the one 20 minutes away. The local one has incompetent waitresses and clientele better suited for a schoolyard, except for the guns (I hope).

I figured 2pm was good for breakfast, plus it wouldn't be crowded.
I was wrong.
Apparently church lets out and most of the parishioners go to Ihop after. That's ok, at least they're well-behaved (and color-coordinated).
SURPRISE! We got seated next to a child who was being LOUD.
When I say seated next to, I mean 3' away. The only way I could've been closer to him was to be seated at his table. He continued to explode into fits of Loud, at odd intervals, causing the other rug rats at the table to sound off too. He looked old enough to know better. I did hear his mom explain this was not acceptable (her words), but the child apparently thought it was perfectly acceptable. I would never hurt a child, so I suggested slapping the parents. We had made the cardinal mistake of eating out: eating out. We had also forgotten to ask for the No Screaming Children Section. The waitress heartily agreed. And you know, for a fact, that this little noisemaker was at the table for the entirety of our meal, until 5 minutes before we left.

I don't want to be That Guy<tm>, or sound like some cantankerous Old Dude<tm>, who eats dinner at 4pm and complains about everything. We don't eat out a lot, so it would be nice not to be disturbed when we do. The last time it was a screaming infant all the way across the restaurant (aspiring opera diva), plus 4 extremely chatty, very annoying early teens, who all talked at the same time, even when their table threatened to disintegrate from the noise and vibration produced by their flapping lips. Mrs lefty is trying to calm me down, so I didn't make an even larger spectacle, like last time, when I got hold of the soda hoses and sprayed down the entire noisemaking table, then swing around the room like Tarzan, reveling in the applause from the rest of the diners. I have no idea what Mrs lefty's problem is, but some of the church ladies said they'd pray for her.

I told Mrs lefty that this level of noise was unacceptable, unless there was a small nuclear event. When I pointed out that when we were kids, we were well-behaved, she said times have changed. This is true, but not screeching and disturbing the entire restaurant has never gone out of style.

Dear Abbie Ann:
We need help (desperately). Whenever we go out, there are children screaming and many restaurants don't have screaming children-free seating. What is the polite thing to do in this circumstance?
Puzzled in Pittsburgh.

Dear Putzled:
From the list of things you tried, I would highly recommend avoiding the ones involving hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils.  Instead, I would have the waitress use hoses, bananas, body parts that aren't typically exposed, and service elephants with pet anvils. One must always do the right thing in the right way.
-Abbie Ann

• Samsung is coming out with a 43" display that automatically rotates for vertical content. If you think that's neat, you should see what it does for dance videos.

AT&T et al are fighting against higher upload speeds.
Other countries continue laughing at us.

• Our good friends at Faceyspaces are introducing a privacy tool at the 2020 CES show. 
• Because they were hauled in front of Congress, this tool completely ignores the items Congress addressed.
• A privacy tool. From Faceyspaces. This is like a tax-saving tool from the government.

New drinking game: set out your beverage of choice. Turn on the tv. Take a shot every time you hear "game changer."  Warning: You could be dead within an hour.

• New York is proposing a statewide virtual currency.
• You will only be able to spend 16 virtual dollars at once, because spending 32 is unhealthy and the state will protect them from it.

I have an idea.  [uh-oh]
No, it's barely even weird.
I think we should all have a Live Funeral.
A funeral is held for you, but you're there to watch it. You hear what people really think of you. I think we'd be pleasantly surprised.

Nobody was surprised to find me missing at important family gatherings. They all say, "That lefty - he's his own man."  That's some of what I think I'll hear at my live funeral. I want everyone to tell their best lefty story - the funniest thing they saw me do or the most awkward thing they saw me do. My funeral will have people rolling in the aisles.


Speaking of saying nice things, my old boss accepted a job in another state and we held a going away party for him. My responsibility was always a roast of whoever was leaving. He came up to me later and said it was the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. I had done my job.

I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
What you see is what you get. I'm like this on paper and in person.
Sometimes *I* can't believe some of the stuff I say... it just kinda comes out (did I really say that? oof!). They say I have no filters. I bought one last year, so at least I don't say FUCK too much in public. Well, I don't say FUCK near as much as I used to in public. I've cut it out almost totally at work. Almost.



Mahdokht Shaibani at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, developed a lithium-sulphur battery with a capacity 5x higher than lithium-ion. It could keep a phone charged for 5 days. By the end of the day, she will have the test results on flame resistance.

• Gay Grindr date murders man, forgets to disclose he's a cannibal.

The city of Oakland, California, is creating the Department of Violence Prevention to help crack down on violence.

Well, let's see. There are laws. Then there's the Department of Violence Punishment, aka The Police. What is violence prevention - pre crime? Going to schools and telling the children not to steal? Just say no to shooting?

• Some people aren't people people.

Linksys routers, already able to sense movement, will soon be able to monitor your breathing.  I feel queasy.  Naturally this means they will sell millions to well-meaning idiots, who will then complain when their health info gets into the hands of the insurance industry and hackers.

• Faceyspaces has banned deepfake videos. 
• If they can identify them.

The FBI can't unlock the Pensacola gunman's 2 iPhones, so they want Apple to.
Damn you, America.... if there were a backdoor, like the govt wants, this wouldn't be an issue. Stupid privacy people.




Today I identify as   pork.

• You cannot have a happy ending to an unhappy journey.
• Uh-oh.

Heroes of the Stupid

Florida woman threatened to rob McDonalds if she didn't get enough dipping sauce.




SJW Stuff

This summer, you'll be able to buy Trans salmon.
Ok, transgenic salmon, with spliced genes to make it grow faster indoors.
The trans salmon must be at least 25% of your total salmon purchase and demands you use its preferred pronouns: it, that, and wtf.

Sometimes You're Just a Fish on a Telephone Pole

Twas the day of Christmas, and all through the house
Only one of us was stirring, with no computer mouse.

One of the many wonderful things about living together is the traditions you develop. Over the many years, we've developed many traditions. So there are a lot of traditions but no standards.

I just got done 'putting up' the tree.
It's a good 7' tall.
How did I get it in the house, you ask?
I dragged it, in pieces, from my lovely neighbor, who had a few too many. I don't know if she has a religious issue and likes to keep a lot of them, just in case, or she has a mental issue and likes to keep a lot of them. just in case. This one came in a box, which is a great way to transport your tree home.

I put it together, excited because the lights were already there and wired. My main experience was one of dust. In the basement, from where I carried it. Somebody didn't close the box and it got kinda dusty.

When I say it stood 7' tall, I mean when properly assembled and without the top section leaning over at a 30 degree angle.  At least it had lights. Well, it would have lights, as soon as I could find an outlet. I knew there were lights plugged in last time, so there had to be an outlet.. I just couldn't find it. I can't find an elephant in an empty parking lot. I located one outlet, but the active sparking  dissuaded me.

When I say it had lights, I mean it had lights on the top half. The ones on the bottom half didn't work. I looked around for loose wiring, fearing one bad bulb, which took the entire bottom string out. I found one plug sitting there, but nothing to plug into it. It's 2019, I thought.. plug 2 females together! Better not. I found the male half, plugged it in, and was graced by absolutely nothing. No lights. It's probably mad at me for hate in not letting 2 female plugs go together.

So we have a fake tree, with lights on the top half, no colored lights, no blinkies, and the top bit is leaning left at a 30 degree angle. It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas, but with a larger tree. And fuck it - it's ours!

Unfortunately it's blocking 1 of the 2 windows that let light into the house. There are no others. The house was built in a quantum field, across several multiverses, so when it's rotated 90 degrees, then 180 degrees, sun never shines through the windows. They could have saved thousands by not putting windows in.

There are huge, decoration-like thingies in the window, which were not there on the Eve. Some are red/green, some are blue/white. Blue is generally for Hanukkah, which, I believe, is not celebrated in the house. But very little surprises me.

So there's a very strange and malformed tree on Christmas day, blocking the window; plus decorations hung late Christmas Eve, while I was entertaining in bed without an audience, via my Mattress Dancing, laughing, and random screaming.

You have no idea how happy I am. This is a 102% improvement over last year, when the tree continued its failure to come out of the box and the ornaments weren't even a thought (except buying new ones to replace the long-smashed ones). The year before was the year the kit tree arrived, so we didn't remove it from its box out of respect. The decorations were thought about, but remained true to the tree and never left their boxes (including the new ones, which were piled near where the tree usually goes, where no one would find them).

There would be presents, but I don't think anybody got around to buying them. The presents are for the (internal) kids, who love Christmas, the Leaning Tree of Pennsylvania, and decorations that materialize overnight. Maybe Santa brought them. Maybe Satan - who knows. I know there must be presents, as there are a ton of unopened brown shipping boxes all over the place (Fedex has a truck parked out front from November til Christmas). Since I do the wrapping, maybe most of the gifts are in the basement from the last few years. Unfortunately we sent someone down there last year to search for the past few years' gifts and never actually heard back from him... I'm feeling a little sick... perhaps I need a break.

The great thing about dissociation is what we call Christmas all year around. You can literally wrap the same presents over and over, and they're new each time!

I specifically ask that no one get me anything. Although it sounds a bit Bah Humbug-y, it's better this way. I'm a little off the beaten path (really?), so people don't know what to get me. This results in the most bizarre gifts... cologne. Sports Stuff. Wrong size t-shirts (from my mom). Things made from apples (I'm allergic). A set of postcards picturing outhouses (ok, that was cool). Beer (don't drink). Surgical tools (I pass out at the sight of blood). Barbie car seat covers. Underwear (women's... hey). A welding kit (used). Gasoline purity tester (they want me to be safe before I drink). And a ten foot pole, for trying to wake Wife up before the late afternoon. My Christmas stocking came with a garter belt (I stopped asking years ago). The dog got a ton of stuff, including many valuable stuffed animals belonging to the wife.

The children were all snug in their beds, because it was 2:00.
2:00pm.
I'm awake because we're supposed to go to the family party. She's asleep because it's her family. I spend most of my time there hiding from loud children. And loud adults. The nicest present I ever got was my own panic room there, that I can sit in and not be bothered, while still getting credit for showing up. I say hello to most family members first - do you think I'm rude? This is what happens when you put 73 people in a house designed for 5, and put out 4 chairs.

There sure are a lot of dogs there, which means I have someone to talk to, but Penny, and before her, Marshall, couldn't go because they don't like dogs.  Just a chip off the old block... I don't like some of their owners. Besides... when I don't hide, after a while, Wife signals that I'm doing that thing she doesn't like... what was it... oh yeah - talking.  It's becoming more tolerable, though. The adults talk and everyone under 30 stares at their cell phones. Some of them are texting each other. These will be the first people to get the Brain Chip.

My family is doing something too. I'll be damned if I know what it is. They stopped inviting me after the sheep incident (don't ask). I only get invited when I'm standing there and someone else says the party will be a lot of fun. They turn to me and say, "Oh. We're having a party. Last minute. Open house. You can come. Leave the dog at home - you have no idea what she does to the deer."

I'm expecting a new guitar.
I won't get one, but I'm expecting it.

In his mercy, my boss gave me time off. I got half of Christmas day this year!
What have I done with it?
Brought up the xmas tree, mowing down everything in its path. Waited for everyone to get up. And typed this shit.
If this ain't an existential crisis in the making, I don't know what is.

In answer to my Existential Agita, it came to me yesterday... my place in all this.
I work to make sure everyone else gets presents.
Like some sort of warped Santa Claus.
One that's not particularly jolly.


UPDATE:
Mrs lefty has a headache so bad, Mussolini named a child after it.
Ain't goin' nowhere.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:
In violation of my strict No Gift Policy<tm>, a very nice child got me a set of wireless ear podlike thingies. The thing that concerns me is that they came out as Apple products, so my android phone may reject them.





Credit where it's due: last summer Mother Nature did a tremendous job on sunshine - we had lots of it. Now that we're back in Cold Season, we're back to 6 days of rain per week. People are jumping off buildings.

For some strange reason, it's sunny out today.  Then cloudy. Then sunny again. I walked to the window only to discover it was sunny, but it was also snowing. I hate it here.  I have no problem with Arizona's 100+ degrees with little humidity and no clouds.




The army put together a group to study Remote Viewing, as documented in the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats." In short, remote viewing allows a person to 'see' something that's somewhere else, from their chair. I hear you can also view things from times other than current.  The only problem is that you are not viewing things like a picture; you're getting impressions of features. Richard Dolan, ufo researcher and author, interviews Tracey Dolan (his wife) on remote viewing (she's a viewer). This is not a conspiracy theory - it's documented fact, and most people have the ability to do it, with a little training.

• Why are there now emojis on email subject lines? This must be stopped.

Dear lefty:

• I heard you are lactose intolerant.
• I am generally intolerant; this includes lactose.

The FBI has gone far out of character lately, first warning people over the evils of smart tv privacy leakage, and now the risks behind using free wifi while traveling. The FBI is perfectly correct on both issues, which should also take you aback. But we need to know why, all of the sudden, this is being let loose. I think that they're jealous of the other organizations who steal your data. They have an intrinsic belief that all of your data is theirs and others getting it first disturbs them to their core. Old J. Edgar is spinning in his grave (in a nice, taffeta ball gown).

• Finland offered its citizens a free crash course in AI to educate them. They're translating it and will put it online for everyone else shortly.
• A government educating its people. 
• WAR ON FINLAND! We cannot have this sort of thing happening in the world.
• Somewhere in America's northeast, Bernie got his first hardon in 25 years and has no idea why.

If you need a quick laugh, and who doesn't, read this little ditty on Faceyspaces, lawmakers, location tracking, and 'certain security functions.' The sheer creativity, legalese, and attempts to appear innocently stupid are breathtaking.

Today I identify as  a black female Jewish lesbian for Christ, atheist division

"Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts." - Frank Zappa

Sitting around, shoveling popcorn into my mouth, I was shocked to discover popcorn on the floor. I missed my mouth. I didn't think that was physically possible.

• Wondering about Gatwick Airport's drone issue? Listen to the police commander's version.

It's my unfortunate end-of-year responsibility to bring you the worst passwords list. Hint: 123456 is still #1.  Are you guilty? How much shaming will it take to get you to use a more secure password? It takes nothing extra but provides more security.

• Remember the PinePhone - the $150 phone that will run open source operating systems and not steal your data? The very early review is in.
• Reminder: this is incredibly early in the process. Only suitable for developers at present. Actually using it as a phone/text isn't ready for prime time. When it is, the phone will be formidable. I'll have at least one. Goodbye, Goog!

Heroes of the Stupid

Rise of Skywalker falls short of predecessors. Ranks as the lowest opening of the most recent three films in the saga.  Gee, ya think 9457 sequels has run its course? It's Schadenfreude Day, folks!



SJW Sickness

A researcher who lost her job at a think tank after tweeting that transgender women cannot change their biological sex has lost a test case because her opinions were deemed to be “absolutist”.  The judge said her social media posts/opinion were 'not worthy of respect in democratic society'.

This is a perfect example of the slippery slope of speech in England. This lady's views, posted on social media - not at her job, offended people, therefore they are not worthy of respect and not rehiring her was just fine and legal. Her views had less than zero merit. You don't have to agree or disagree with her to have concern over where this is going.


ACLU calls for tampons in men's rooms in order to achieve 'menstrual equality'
The date on the article was not April 1 and Fox isn't known for this sort of gag.

On the other hand, Menstrual Equality is a bitchin' name for a band.

No Sex, Please - There's a New Star Wars

Unfortunately I've been saddled with Windows 10 at work. Further up on top of this is our Pages section. Read Windows 10 if you want to hear the stories.


"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker may pose a seizure risk to audience members with photosensitive epilepsy," 

[correction]
"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ticket prices and tired, endless drawn-out sequels may pose a seizure risk to audience members" 

• RIP Marie Fredriksson (61), from cancer. Sang in Roxette (The Look, It Must've Been Love).

Dear lefty:  

• What's the difference between a smart tv and a dumb tv?
• Its owner

The man who called 911 to report that he was injured by his homemade contraption, which authorities thought was a nuclear reactor may be charged with inducing a panic. There was no radiation, no nuclear power, and the device was a homemade capacitor.  The neighborhood was evacuated for a few hours. The guy didn't purposely incite panic. Now that his neighbors know who he is, he'll no doubt be very popular with them.   Hey Bob, I need a few capacitors - can you whip me up something in the garage? 



Tesla wants to clean windshields with laser beams.
I want people to clean my entire car with bikinis.

• Check this out, by Richard Dolan - a great ufo researcher and author. Watch a few of his videos and make up your own mind.

Today I identify as  a folding chair

In his latest emission, Bernie Sanders promised free high-speed internet for all.  He also announced free houses, free cars, and free wildly-increased taxes.

• Your privacy is gone - you just don't know it yet

Mercedes Benz and Bosch are testing self-driving taxis in San Jose.

What kind of leap of faith does this require? Drive - watch out for that.....OW!

Essential smart tv security tips to protect your privacy.

1. don't buy a smart tv (good luck)
2. don't plug it into a network
3. if the FBI has issued a warning about smart tv's, you should probably start taking an interest (they're just jealous)
4. READ the agreements before blindly agreeing
5. read the article

Yes, I want to go to the recording studio

But they use Macs. 

As soon as they hit RECORD, either the Mac or I will sizzle

This is a predicament.

Work asked me for a personal development plan.
How the hell should I know? Nobody ever discussed it with me.
Guess I'll have to wing it...

• Develop my ability to keep the job
• Develop skills to answer any boss in the correct way, so they leave me alone, while feeling satisfied
• Develop raise-earning strategies
• Develop ways of ensuring that my skills do not make me look like a leader - just a bright tech guy. Don't make me manage people!
• Knowing when to stop. Also, the ability to stop

Cinnamon Coke?
Revolutionary.
Also new for 2020: Oregano Coke, Garlic Coke, Diesel Exhaust Coke, and Orange Vanilla Diet Coke.   Oops, one of those already exists. Guess which one.

Science News: licelike insects munched on dinosaur feathers around 100 million years ago.  Politics truly is the oldest profession.

Heroes of the Stupid  

5 myths that anti-porn crusaders keep repeating

Ring footage will give location to the square inch. So get out there and buy!
Get another for inside the house!

AT&T is raising DirecTV prices again, despite losing millions of customers.
Then they'll complain while customers continue to drop cable.

SJW Silliness   

Greta Thunberg is on the cover of Time, as their Person of the Year.
Fighting the patriarchy does pay!

Do not mourn - celebrate a man who lived life entirely on his own terms

Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...

Male Pattern Baldness - the Band

I always wanted to call my band Male Pattern Baldness. For some reason, everyone else in the band refused. It wasn't so much a refusal as the physical reaction guys get when you mention getting kicked in the nuts. I had other names too... those merely got ignored.

• Today was a sign. An omen. The sun was out. As surprising as that was, it was forecast to be out. Something's up. Watch the skies.

Technology Time

Think about the march of technology. The things written in science fiction that are ordinary today. A wireless cell phone that replaces tons of physical utilities. This has created a mountain of useless things that kids born within the last 20 years have never seen, like:


a telephone booth, 45rpm adapter, library, a heavy mechanical phone doubling as a weapon, records, 8 track and cassette tapes, CDs, movies in grubby theaters or from a tape at home for $99, movie rentals, over the air tv with channel numbers, dialup internet, modems, leaded gas, land yacht cars, tuneups with spark plugs and wires, radios operated by a knob attached to a string, round clocks with hands, bigass computers with DOS, Windows 95/98/XP, printer ribbons, parallel cables, floppy discs, 286/386/486 computer chips, round  DIN computer plugs for accessories, adding port and other cards to computers, clean air, the US military in only a few countries, wireless phones, phone lines, busy signals, phones without Caller ID, large speakerphones that clipped off parts of words, answering machines, avocado green/harvest gold, huge wooden console stereos and tvs, black and white tvs with 6" screens, clothesline, washboard, wringer clothes washer, percolator coffeemaker, Lincoln Logs, board games, typewriters, paper notebook, newspapers, heating leftovers on the stove, wired or clicky remote controls, bra stores not carrying lingerie, computers plugged in to routers, written letters with postage stamps, pencils, sex without taking video, 16 year old virgins, verbal only gossip, walking anywhere, sitting quietly, having friends over and talking, smoking on airplanes, only charging things at home, C and D batteries, Radio Shack, only one type of condoms (that you shamefully asked for), cold medicine on open shelves, expensive heroin, soda in gallons, large tires with small wheels, floor-switched high beams, revving the engine to keep the car from stalling, stalling after running over a puddle, bench car seats, station wagons, metal in cars, starting your car with keys, protests against war, square computer monitors, $15 commercial-free cable, ice cube trays, porn magazines, door to door salesmen (non-religious), telling someone off without using the f- word, turn signals, generous employer paid pensions, no copays for anything, bicycles (without helmets), humongous analog reel to reel recording machines, community bulletin boards with 3x5 cards and push pins, Pong, hooking up vcrs and game boxes to the tv, tv antennas, amateur radio/CB, paying cash only for a doctor visit, milk trucks, malls with all kinds of stores and no food court, head shops, malts, drive in movies, handwriting, record stores, guitar solos, music without dancers, full albums played on the radio, radio stations doing whatever they wanted, giggling at gays and transsexuals, humor, walking up steps to get in a plane, liquids/pocketknives/scissors/guns and showing up right before the plane takes off, made in America, jobs for life, college degrees worth more than toilet paper, farms, tollbooth you throw change at, telethons, tv free of feminine products/pharmaceuticals/bladder leakage underwear that's actually pretty, dick jokes that didn't say dick, courtesy, really really stupid phones and tvs, bag and Beam Me Up Scotty phones, pay by minute long distance and cell, fixing electrical things yourself, Tab diet soda, whole milk, paying with cash, police showing up after you call, 2 prong outlets and plastic adapters with a little wire hanging out, Elmer's glue and paste, crayons, never hearing the word 'cunnilingus', waiting for the tv to warm up, unfinished basements, standalone stereos, mono records, head cleaning kits, record brush and fluid, record crates, posters, concert tickets, crystal scanners that could hear phones, soldering irons, neighborhood stores, guitar stores, weather that makes sense, baking cake from scratch, stereos over 1 watt, excitement of hearing the first time anyone said 'ass' on tv, beholding Sipowicz's ass, those little angular car windows in front of the main window, manual windows and door locks, real spare tires, AM/FM radios only, sneaking into Dad's special drawer, 8 or 16mm projectors, waking early on Saturday to watch cartoons, phones without hash or asterisk keys, the joy of sex (the book), record sleeves and foldouts with information, the brown acid, cleaning your pot on record jackets, products designed to last for more than a few months,



It's National Scrapple Day.
Scrapple is a Philly 'delicacy' which is essentially a meatlike substance made from (drum roll, please) scraps. Ponder that for a minute.

I try not to hate stuff before I try it, but the smell of whatever it is cooking is enough to keep mosquitos off your arm in the summer. Wife loves it. This is convenient because she'll never have to worry about me eating hers. In fact, it can sit in the fridge for six years, untouched, with all sorts of new and interesting growths, some speaking languages we've never heard before. I'm kidding - it can sit there for years, undisturbed: you can't distinguish ''fresh' scrapple from six year old scrapple. Philly is better known for soft pretzels and cheesesteaks... you're much safer with either.

• The FBI issued an alert in September due to the increase of attacks via Remote Desktop Protocol.
• This should never happen in a professional environment because you don't leave the Remote Desktop Protocol port open. It's like leaving your back door unlocked: burglars have to look for it, but they can walk right in. It's ok inside your network but not toward the internet.
• Home users are dependent entirely on their cable modems and routers. If they're not set to block by default (they should be), it's up to the user to get in there and close (everything). Anybody recommending this port be used to get to your computer from the internet should be shot, then sent to rudimentary computer school. If you need to remotely operate another computer in your house, it's relatively safe, assuming it's blocked at the router.

Between A.D.D., blurry vision, drugs, and a hyperactive dog, we can never find anything. The running joke is 'staple it to your forehead' so you know where it is and will be reminded. This fails because even the best of us run out of forehead space. This causes a clutter problem, and we're right back where we started.

• In my house, there's a place for everything. Unfortunately it changes daily.

Hack the Air Force 3.0 is happening soon, wherein 191 countries are invited to hack. Among those countries aren't China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea.  Sure, keep out the guys who have proven they can do it.  When this contest is over, the AF will pay bug bounties. They will also spend 8 months cleaning up the damage from unforeseen hacks:

• latrine doors won't open
• planes will confuse Up with Down
• refrigerators will report directly to China
• flushing a toilet issues the command to bomb North Korea
• Mr and Mrs Bob Winglehocker, of Bumfukt, Arkansas, will be awakened by surprise, after the AF computer orders a 1,001 person AF banjo cookoff and crossdressing cabaret held at their house.

Speaking of crossdressers, we're post midterm elections and nothing has burned. Yet.

• Dear lefty: Phil Poos asks if there are Portuguese Jews.
• Yes.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, spilled sugar on the carpet. Someone else, who shall also remain nameless, was asked to vacuum it up. This particular someone forgot. No problem, as Vacuum 2 was activated: the dog found it and cleaned it up beautifully. The only issue was that when she was done, her snout looked like she was a coke addict. No one got a picture and the dog got no more hyper or otherwise dangerous. We just have to be very careful around her with cookies.

• There are a ton of operating system and app updates available. Please install them immediately: Windows is full of holes and so is anything from Adobe.
• RELATED: a MS update breaks Calendar and Mail on Windows 10 phones. THERE ARE WINDOWS 10 PHONES? It's the end times.

Since the new way of eating, I've cut way down on my chocolate intake. I've gone from 24/7 to once a day. Not at all coincidentally, I've felt like Advanced Death since around the time I started. Always supportive, my wife bought one of those absolutely humongous bags of mixed candy. This will truly test my will. I will lose spectacularly.

• I am just like everyone else: I put my pants on three legs at a time.

Much to no one's surprise, Penny is the second dog who would rather nap with his mom than hang out with his dad. Last night his mom heated pizza and put it on the arm of the sofa. Penny promptly pulled a piece onto the floor and started to eat it. This displeased dad loudly.  I am certain that she will not do that again. At least until the next time there's pizza on the couch.

• Dear lefty: reader Phyllis Moostache asks if dogs have buttocks.
• Yes.

My coworkers would be disappointed if they didn't hear me say 'I hate Microsoft' at least once a day. They are rarely disappointed. If you're burdened with Office 2016, you know that every meeting invitation automatically gets added to your calendar. Since my company runs on meetings, I have a calendar full of useless meetings (yes, all meetings are useless). I asked Microsoft Help, which isn't. An internet search indicated that it was designed this way on purpose.  One can 'filter' it, which still adds the meeting, but makes it a lighter shade.  I hate Microsoft. MAKE IT OPTIONAL, children of HERR GATES. 

Or, as Ben Stern used to say to little Howard, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron."

• If you missed it, there was a 'small glitch' in the internet, causing Google traffic to be routed through Russia, China, and Nigeria. I'm not the only one amused by this, but it was attributed to a 'misconfiguration' by a Nigerian internet provider.  Sure... blame the black guys.
• Does it bother anybody else that a single internet provider in China Nigeria can hijack traffic through a misconfiguration? Let's do Faceyspaces traffic next! But seriously, folks... this is the way it was designed, back when the most hostile people on the net were college students.

While having a blast at Faceyspaces' expense, their employees are surveyed twice a year about their sentiment and happiness. Last month showed 52% were optimistic about Faceyspaces' future, down a hair (32%) from 84% the prior year.  Unrelated: according to the Wall Street Journal, the leading Barbie Doll enthusiast magazine, the stock price was headed in this direction too.

Is this supposed to be a funny story? I'm laughing hysterically.

• a US panel warned against government purchase of Chinese technology. Gee, really?  How long has ThermionicEmissions been saying this? It's just common sense (which explains why it hasn't been followed).
• Wild guess: in WWII, the Allies didn't buy German technology.

The happy news is that "The fear and uncertainty generated by surveillance inhibit activity more than any action by the police." No, wait, did I say happy? It's a good read.

One of the hallmarks of good customer service (who cares) is not simply saying no - it's providing a workable alternative. I already have - you're just not reading. How's that for customer service? 

No, wait.. it means you really need to consider doing things as safely as possible. Use duckduckgo for searches, because it doesn't track you. Get rid of anything Google, Yahoo, Faceyspaces, Instagram, etc, including email. Set up at least 2 email accounts: one for important stuff and one for junk. Use a decent, encrypted email service like Protonmail (free for basic). Use https for every web connection (or use an extension like HTTP Everywhere, which will do it automatically for you). This will sound weird, but use cash for all transactions. Not only will it protect privacy, your card won't get skimmed or stolen. In the name of all that's holy, don't use free wifi without a VPN. Or don't use it at all. 

Turn your cell phone's wifi off when you leave your house. If you can't remember, a program called Macrodroid can be set to do it for you.

• Several Australian universities have BANNED sarcasm because it's a "form of violence." I'd be thrown in jail for several lifetimes.
• Professor - he hit me with sarcasm and I need a safe room, with puppies.
• The stupid continues, and it's overwhelming.

Speaking of good customer service, a Cryptopay user was denied a password change, so he did the only thing a responsible adult could: mailed them a bomb. Fortunately no one was hurt. The package sat around for five months before someone got around to almost opening it. The sender had a bit of a criminal history, including sending a bit of the old white powder to lawmakers. It turned out to be coke and the lawmakers dropped all charges. Just because I made that up doesn't mean it didn't happen.

• You're going to be shocked.... One Million Kids Tracker Watches were deemed unsafe because any old hacker can access them, allowing them access to your child's location and pictures. Not that you don't post that on Faceyspaces anyway....
• Imagine something called a Tracker Watch becoming a tracker....

So how about the personalized concert lineup the ticket people sent this week?
Jon Bellion's coming! Who the hell is Jon Bellion? Iron Maiden, which is at least close to my wheelhouse. Pink. Pink? I'm starting to think this personalized lineup thing is a lie.  Jeff Lynne's ELO - dammit - they finally got one!  While I know who Lindsey Buckingham is, there's also DAWES. Is this what people from Boston use to get into a house? Seinfeld!!!! God, I hate Seinfeld, although I know who he is. Who are these comedians...  who aren't funny? Kris Kristofferson. The man's multitalented. Trailer Park Boys? I don't know who they are, but I read they're now on the FBI terror list. They must have said something nasty to someone at some time. As a Ron Paul voter, I was on the list too. Let's not leave Sebastian Maniscalco off the list. Remember: you can get free innoculations against Sebastian Maniscalco at your local pharmacy for no copay. It's pretty damn serious, which is why the FBI is encouraging you take the shot. St. Paul and the Broken Bones are also coming. It sounds almost like my previous musical comedy act: we were so bereft of rhythm and grace, that there were inevitably broken bones. Galactic ft. Erica Falls will also grace our area. It would be more efficient to call themselves Galactic Falls, but either way, I'd have no idea who they are and no desire to spend my hard-earned money.  Mumford and Sons. Hmmm.. we know all about them. Banjos. Interbreeding. I can't even type the name without breaking out in laughter. 98 Degrees... sounds like a really HOT act (I apologize profusely for that). Last but perhaps least, The Noise Presents Nothing More. I have no idea, but the idea of Nothing More in the way of Noise sounds wonderful. When I get famous, people will be taking shots at me too.

The Case of the Materializing Hair

I found a hair.

Woody Allen starts his hysterical routine about a moose this way: 
"I shot a moose."


I carried my laptop from the office to the living room. A few minutes later, there was a hair on it. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, as the people and the (former) pets had lots of it. There are no more pets but there is obviously still hair. Also, I cannot rule out that an elephant has been through the place, dropping off one small hair on my laptop, just because I didn't see it.

Upon examination, the hair was not human in origin. How do I know this? Technically I don't, but I've seen enough hair (usually in the vacuum) to tell the difference. As yet, I haven't been called to testify in court as an Expert Hair Witness. This is a shame, as they get the Big Bucks.

How does one describe a hair? I might as well sing an aria about avoiding super glue as a lubricant to a deaf person.

Ok, maybe not that bad....
Human hair is round, more or less. This was flat. Very flat. Calista Flockhart flat. It also had a pointed tip, like a sword, in case its owner needed to defend himself with a pointed hair. Down at the bottom, it had a lot of little 'spikes' or feathering. It was stiff. On this basis, I assume it isn't human. As it is not currently attached to its former owner, I'm at a bit of a loss. I'm also at a bit of a loss as to how it got there. It doesn't look particularly aerodynamic and seems like it wouldn't be blown around like a human hair. I've never seen one before, and hair doesn't usually materialize on my laptop unless it comes directly from me. If this came from me, it wasn't there when I moved the laptop.

Since this is a completely minor and bizarre matter, I needed to follow it up post haste, using all of my attention (such as it is) and whatever resources I could bring to bear on the matter. I got my top people on it, with emails going right out to The President's Committee on Hair Identification, as well as England's Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom. While I waited for inspiration and emails, I did what most humans on the planet do: no, not nap.. I went to the internet.

What kind of query do you put into a search engine for hair? The results are not going to be pretty regardless. I used "hair identification," which provided 1,237 links to finding out what type of hair you have on your head, so you can style and care for it properly. Later today, I'll start seeing ads for hair care products while I surf, and wonder why.

One interesting link was how to figure out whether it's human or animal.
This turned out to be a scholarly discussion on putting the found hair next to a known people or animal hair and seeing if it looks the same. If I say I already thought about this, will I be eligible for a Nobel Prize?

The next link had some real promise: it was from the FBI's Forensic Science Communications, entitled Microscopy of Hair Part II: A Practical Guide and Manual for Animal Hairs. You can tell this is reliable information because it has a lot of words in the title, even though the largest word only has four syllables. They start by examining hairs under a microscope, noting cells, and comparing. Nowhere does it mention shape or deal with the hair outside the cells. This is Real Science<tm> and I'm excited that I'll find an answer, even if the Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom fails to get back to me.

Astute observers will astutely observe that I do not have a microscope. I have a telescope, which is close, right? Same basic principle... it makes things bigger... Since the telescope will require the assistance of a Telescope Detector and a dump truck to find, I continued on. There's a small bit on what could be feathering, but naturally is called coronal scales or spinous scales. I think this is a dead end, as the picture of the Free-Tailed Bat hair didn't bear any resemblance.  Nor did mink, ginger, or ovoid bodies in cattle/human/canine hair. Fortunately the next section, "Animal Versus Human Hairs" held promise.

Animal hairs are grouped into three different types (guard, wool, tactile, and nose) but all any pet owner knows is the type that fouls the vacuum, requiring small scissors and an intricate surgery that run 37 minutes.

I'm going to seriously foul up Real Science<tm> here and assume that it did not belong to the groups covered, those being Deer Family and Antelope, White Tailed and Mule deer, Caribou, and Woody Allen's Moose. Also out were rabbit, seal, mink, muskrat, chinchilla, raccoon, and red fox (although I loved him in Sanford and Son). To be honest, the closest I saw was beaver. There are no beaver in the area because Beaver College had to change its name. When you went to look it up online, 'beaver' produced all kinds of interesting results. Ruling out these results contaminates the science. Who says a giraffe didn't walk past the laptop and deposit the hair in question? It's a possibility, as the living room ceiling is higher than the office.

The article concludes with three items, which I will paraphrase:

1. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair, you can conclude that it looks like your known hair
2. If the questionable hair doesn't look like a known hair, you can't say it's the same species as the known hair (unless it came from a Kardashian).
3. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair in some places but doesn't in other places, it can possibly be from Kanye, which is as close to a Kardashian as you'd ever care to be.

To no one's surprise, the FBI was of no help at all.

I did learn that it's best not to blow dry my type of hair and that you can wholesale human hair from China. Body parts too, as I hear it.

An article called Alopecia: Types of Hair Loss and How to Identify Them was also of no assistance. Just change the name to MY FUCKING HAIR'S FALLING OUT!!!  

Not sure How to tell if Brazilian hair is real is helpful either, but I'll check with my Portuguese friend (Brazil speaks Portuguese, so their hair is related).

What have we learned?

1. Nothing
2. some investigations should not be performed at work
3. when Mom drops off some fresh chocolate buttercream icing, it's best to wait until it gets close to room temperature before shoveling the entire vat into my mouth
4. I shouldn't display such enthusiasm for bizarre events
5. for the sake of my readers, I shouldn't write about my enthusiasm.
6. Whether it's animal hair or those little bugs you found on your mattress, do the same thing: put it in a sealed container for the professionals to identify. You don't have time in your life for this shit.

• Rushing to take control, under pretext of censorship, the British banned internet porn for children. Yeah, right.. it turns out that millions of porn videos are exempt via their own regulations. But let's face it - this isn't just about porn. They're keeping the UK safe. From what, we're not sure... why not terrorism? If people see porn, the terrorists win.

The amount of cell phone tracking is draconian - we can all agree. Google and Apple, bless them, will let you know what they know about you. For Google, log into your account. For Apple, go to their 'privacy portal'. They got their naming conventions from DC (Patriot Act anyone?).

• This week's best headline: "What if Hitler had Access to my Facebook Data"

A recent Supreme Court case may have serious implications for Google, Twitter, YouTube, and other social media.  The case will decide if a private operator of a public access network can be government-regulated.

I'm no Constitutional scholar, but that never stopped me before...

Although the case is more intricate, this could get ugly. For example, the First Amendment states that the government may not regulate speech or establish religion.... it does not apply to private businesses. As it stands, Faceyspaces, Google, etc, are not government businesses - they're private, hence are not subject to this amendment. That's how it is, according to #1A. The case wants to allow regulation by declaring these companies 'state actors'. In other words, they want to add (these) private companies to their loophole. Tricky.

Speaking not as a libertarian, I'd love to see these companies forced to eat their own crap. Let's face it: if I say things these companies don't agree with, I'm out the door too, although not as fast as the right. To be clear, censorship shouldn't travel in any direction. But according to the Constitution, they can't be controlled right now, so that's the way we have to go. Using the courts to decide is also the way to go (provided they agree with my interpretation).

• Need to make some quick cash?  Tell Justin Bieber you'll give $1,000 to his favorite charity every time he says "I dig chicks with green hair." Then bet the National Star Enquirer five million that you can turn tens of thousands of kids' hair green overnight, without saying or doing a single thing (plus a signed Bieber 8x10 to their favorite charity).

New Yorkers: you're famous for your rulers (NYPD) obtaining serious technology to use on you. proposed is the POST Act, which will force transparency. Keep in mind that right now, shotgun microphones, video surveillance, face recognition and automatic license plate readers are in place (and that's the stuff we know about). Do you feel protected now? Do you feel surveilled everywhere but your shower? Get with your reps and urge them to support POST. Naturally the act has no teeth, but it's a start.