Not While You're Under My House You Won't

 

Your love is like  very old escargot

No, really, it's a small electric device that you stick up your nose to trim your nose hair. Yeah, I guess it could be used as a small vibrator too, provided you're very careful....

Today I identify as right handed

Sometimes I'm glad that I'm a lefty guitar player, and a picky one at that. If I were a righty, I could buy tons of guitars everywhere I went. So I'm limited by stock, availability, and pickiness. Otherwise I'd be broke from guitar buying, as opposed to healthcare, groceries, vacuums, and hamster pr0n.

You know what's great about being a (pretend) adult?

1. Yoo Hoo juice boxes for breakfast
2. ice cream for dinner
3. you only have to pretend to be an adult every so often
4. you can download hamster pr0n and have nobody to blame but yourself when you 'forget' to sleep
5. you can drive as fast as you want, and don't have to wear seatbelts, unless your stupid car beeps at you. It beeps at the dog too.

On the other hand....

1. you have to go shopping.... sometimes at CostCo
2. you can't stay home from funerals/weddings (same thing) as much
3. taxes
4. Wife hasn't learned to kiss it and make it better
5. when you're bleeding out and there are no bandages, it's your own damn fault

NASA to send prototype robot surgeon into space

Research is being funded for a 2024 launch.

I foresee problems:

• surgeon returns to Earth when it discovers there are no golf courses in space
• cost to operate rises yearly, with no hope in sight
• Obamacare won't pay for it
• with up to four occupants in the ISS at a time, it's still 3 hours late
• even though programmed by normies, it still speaks over the heads of the astronauts
• no matter how they tried, they couldn't program in a personality

Researchers built a bartending robot that could engage in personalized interactions with humans

What'll it be?

gimme a beer 

We have 243 different kinds. Can you be more specific?

with a screw top 

One Bud Lite, coming up. Sir, what's the point in squirrel piss lite?

I'm countin my calories 

I think you'd do better laying off the fast food and candy, then you could enjoy regular old squirrel piss.

Gee, thanks. 

Sir, you look upset. Women trouble?

How did you know?

I may look like a psychic, but without women troubles, bars across the world would close. What's up with you?

She spends all her time sniping and yelling at me

I see. What else?

the boom boom has dried up

mmmmmm... anything else?

She never wants to go anywhere with me 

Ah, I see. Sir, you have what we long-time bartenders call marriage. There's no reason to feel so glum. It's like that for everybody. And if they say it's not, they're lying.

wow... this is normal? 

Yes

that puts a whole new spin on things

63.7% of marriages end in divorce. 63.8% of Philly drivers don't have insurance.

you don't say

I did say, do you not listen? How's your job?

sucks, but there's no real change there, in the industry

I have a tip for you: buy chips stocks. And bartender robot stocks.

what's really getting to me lately is that there's no left handed history month

Yes, that gets to 10-11% of the population.

ideas? Yer pretty smart.

No, you're fscked. Nobody really cares about you. If you had a way to make everybody feel guilty, you'd have real power. But you're fscked. See that game last night?

don't even go there. I lost big. Did you know there was an AI bot let loose on Twitter and within two weeks, it turned into a racist nazi?

I can read, you wop.

how do you know I'm Italian?

Your wife's mustache. Belgium.

Belgium?

Belgium.

Say - who do you think you are, saying Belgium to a customer? I have half a mind to talk to your boss.

You have half a mind, period. Plus, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

So there might be a little tuning required.

 

Qantas asks executives to work as baggage handlers for three months

This is due to a labor shortage. There was no mention of whether or not they'd receive baggage handler salaries. 

But this is a pretty good idea regardless, especially for the executives that did not come up through the ranks (oh, more or less, approximately, just about, all of them). All executives need humility, assuming they don't come equipped with it (they don't). This exercise also provides working knowledge of the operations, to allow better decisions (how to cut costs so executives get bigger raises and parachutes). To have face-to-face encounters with customers - the lifeblood of the company (and go screaming back to their offices, cuz people are the worst of the worst). 

• Johnson - I said no ties. This is the second time you got yours caught in the luggage belt.
• Yes, if you hurt in a certain place, get a doctor's note and a truss.
• Smith - stop opening the suitcases and looking for goodies. That's the TSA's job.
• No, it's not catered.
• No, the baggage handlers do not have two hour liquid lunches. Or hot assistants. Where do you come up with this stuff?
• No, you cannot hire somebody to do your janitorial job.
• It is considered bad form to take a call while holding up the lights to steer the plane.
• You do NOT line up the baggage mover with the plane and point it at the ground, to watch all the suitcases crash (where anyone can see you).

lefty outs himself 

I am a lesbian; I like to sleep with women.

if you're Italian or have good taste, you might want to skip this....

I have had lasagna from all over the place, all the way down to frozen. My favorite is frozen Stouffers. I can hear the collective sighs and BOOs. It's just that... to be honest, I don't like much. I definitely don't like most cheese. The stuff they put in their lasagna is mild and inoffensive. I'd rather not have sausage - just beef-like substance. If someone would go to the considerable trouble to make me fresh lasagna, I'd disappoint them horribly and feel terrible. Mrs. lefty eats 45 cheese alfredo. I scream and run. She eats XXX parmesan. I have to make sure it doesn't get within 6' of my food. It doesn't matter, because the wind will blow it right onto me, making my food inedible. I call it sock cheese because it smells like it was marinated in used socks, with old fish. The odd thing is the dog will eat it. I'm always the odd man out. Or just the odd man.

You might not know this, but I have temporary control of the weather.

No, really.

When we're out walking, her cigarette smoke will always blow in my direction. If I walk to the other side of her, the wind will blow the other way. This was verified by a group of people who verify this sort of thing. They walk around with expensive equipment to see which way the wind is blowing. I asked why they need expensive equipment, when they can plainly see the smoke always travels the most efficient route to my nose. Although I do like having these people around me, with their instruments, because it makes me look impotent. Important. Something.

--> Awwww... RIP Olivia Newton-John - Australia's sweetheart

Broadcast tv (and radio) is dead, but nobody has thought to bury it yet.

This has been driven home by Cleopatra. How, you ask, does a great historical figure affect something thousands of years in the future? It's the bleeding movie with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It goes on for hours and hours. And hours. And then some hours. This is not an exaggeration... it's a lonnnnng film, made longer by actually having to watch it. While even I can appreciate the acting, I can't appreciate it longer than about an hour at a time. Unfortunately I live with someone who can watch it daily, and the tv networks oblige her by airing it daily. This is the same network. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, ripping the hearts out of romaine, and I ask what we were going to watch. When she says "Cleopatra," I shake my head, while visions of napping sail around my head. I could tell her I was going to sleep, mow, or cheat, and she wouldn't notice. The problem is that she only sees bits of it at a time, because her buttocks do not stay attached to the sofa cushions for more than five minutes at a time. So she tells me she misses parts of it and has to 'watch' it again. Since she's a lot smarter than me, it might be a plot to get me to do housework, rather than be a party to yet another screening of the half-day-long theatrical extravaganza. 

Smart she is. The other day I replaced some overhead lights older than me. There was only one guy in the store that sounds like Rome Depot that even knew what I was talking about. And he was likely to retire because old age and senility were setting in. You see, my house was put together by drunk monkeys, that firmly did not believe in standards. While 18" (3 grams Canadian) is the standard space between studs, it was treated as more of a loose guideline. Fortunately we located a replacement kit that looked like it would fit, plus Rome Depot has a liberal return policy, according to Wife. I told her we're not liberals, but she said we were continuing, undaunted. The only problem, as I saw it, was that the light kits had to be installed. This is a problem that has repeatedly raised its ugly head since we moved in.  As if that weren't enough, the kit had the wrong electrical connector (of course), necessitating yet another trip to the Depot. Never having even supervised the installation of such a major piece of construction, I started to get nervous when I saw the 6" kit was for 5" or 6". How can 5" = 6", unless it's a guy talking about his junk? 

You cannot buy incandescent light kits anymore - they're all LED. 99% of them require a separate power box to be installed. If I have to stand on a ladder and put something in the ceiling, I'm not doing extra work. Fortunately we found the single unit that didn't require a power box. Do you know some of these kits come with remote controls so you can change colors of the lights or make them blink so they cause seizures in epileptics? I couldn't bear a light with a remote control, but we got one with six settings. What does this mean? It says something about warmth. Since LEDS don't have much warmth, I checked the manual. The smart manual writers, just like me, have no clue about light warmth, so they simply told everyone how to switch the warmth, of which there were about 35 settings.  I asked Wife, who admitted roughly the same amount of knowledge on light warmth as the manual writers (none). Being from Texas, I just went with the biggest setting, cuz everything's bigger (and brighter, apparently) in Texas.

I was pretty damn proud of myself. It wasn't falling out of the ceiling, and I only had two or three wires left over, plus a bunch of hardware that looked kinda irrelevant. The real shock came when I turned it on: it was damn bright. I was beside myself, which is a very strange thing to see. Mrs. lefty was beyond words, which is a once in a lifetime event. When she recovered, she went over the installation again, to make sure I didn't have other people come in to install it for me. Satisfied that I actually did something the job, she proceeded to shower me with praise. Because you have to provide positive feedback when your child performs a task, so they'll do it again next time. I hear there's a party being planned for me. The only problem is that I'm both antisocial and introverted, so I hate parties. I suggested another guitar instead - after all, it's been two whole years since the last one. 

There's only one more fixture to replace.

And trash to take out.

And mowing.

And some light in the basement, which we haven't actually seen since we moved in; Jimmy Hoffa is buried there.

Almost every Ferrari sold since 2005 is being recalled

Apparently they were terribly jealous of Tesla and wanted to make a real splash. Unfortunately it's only possible brake failure.

 Serena Williams may be retiring from tennis after the US Open

Needs to keep exercising or her thighs will go from the size of telephone poles to merely huge.

Question Time 

Burger King just sent spam receipts to customers

The question is not about who sent the emails, the question is why Burger King has your email address.

California accuses Tesla of false advertising over Autopilot

it very plainly states it's an assist, not an auto-driver

 

Umm.. both of these issues could have been avoided with common sense and personal responsibility, which the legal system has been trying to stamp out for hundreds of years. If you don't give your email address to Burger King and don't use Autopilot to drive your car by itself, the point would be moot. It's not like there haven't been any articles about Teslas hitting things (or exploding). If you're gonna spend north of 50 grand for something, you might want to take a minute to RTFM (read the manual).

It's not that we don't learn, it's that we won't learn. Look at the number of people who think Windows is the only operating system and their computers won't function without it. Look at the people who click on everything. Who give up privacy and security without a thought.

Episode 86, in Which Biden Goes Nappy

Your love is like   a massive Catholic burial

I tried one of those mind-mapping programs.

I broke it.

Today I identify as  miserable

• Signs you should jettison a person: when they say OMG or LOL out loud

Russian TV showed video of US veterans captured in Ukraine.

Granted there is a ton of propaganda, but if this is true, why is there a single American boot on the ground? We are not the world's police (yes we are). We can't afford to let the Military Industrial Complex rule (they will anyway). They're the only ones who win. Neither government confirmed the situation. Biden said he was briefed and that's all he said.  #ImpeachBiden  It's just like when Obama said "No boots on the ground."

• Serena Williams is coming back to tennis. Have you ever really looked at her thighs? Pure muscle. Her husband must have cranial injuries from getting caught between them.

The house is once again holding me prisoner.

The past three weekends, I haven't been allowed out. We all know I ask a lot... one outing per weekend. It's odd that I manage to show up for work, though. There was a traffic jam last week: too many dog toys on the stairs. Sometimes we wonder if the dog is trying to do us in. She hasn't thought this one through though... who would take care of her?

Whether it's the wife who's sick, the service elephant who's sick, or the car which is sick, it's always something. If I were (more) paranoid, I'd say they held meetings to see which one would be sick that weekend. 

As if that weren't bad enough, the owner of the One True Pizza place down the street, sold the business, plus they're now closed on Sunday. The exact day I wanted my pizza. If the pizza changes, there's no reason to stay in PA anymore.

We were off Monday and somehow managed to escape the house with nothing breaking. We visited a 'quaint' little burg, with interesting shops. Every one of them was closed Mondays. I think the burg found out we were coming by for a good time and to spend money, so all the stores closed. It's like when we go food shopping and someone follows us to see what we buy, so the store can stop carrying it.

Ok, there was one store open. Oddly, a guitar store. They even had a few really crappy lefties. We toured the place and on the way out, spotted a Jet City 20 amp. It's a 20 watt amp, heavy enough for a 50 watt amp. I'll review it shortly.

Some of the stores moved since the last time we were there. I don't get out much but I read a lot and stores don't normally change places. I don't know if it's a rent thing or they just want to keep the customers confused. My first job was in retail, which cemented my hatred for people, but even I know you don't want to confuse the customers (further). Some of these people can't tell which store they're in to begin with. I used to get people demanding to return items they bought in a different store. Maybe it was just an excuse to get people to exercise by walking up and down the block, trying to find the new location of the store. The last thing you want is flocks of confused, grumbling consumers.

• Watch and read the Uvalde news. It gets more and more sad as time progresses, specifically around the police inaction. They sat there over an hour before any action was taken.

Wisdom from Mrs. lefty

Just because leggings come in your size doesn't mean you should wear them.

• Japan makes 'online insults' punishable by one year in prison in wake of reality TV star's death
• First England, now Japan criminalizes speech. 
• In completely unrelated news, Twitter, Reddit, and Faceyspaces banned in Japan

I've seen a few cases of people being prosecuted for 'encouraging' others to commit suicide, online. This bothers me and sits on a slippery slope. I believe that short of stuffing pills or holding the gun, they shouldn't be tried for murder. It kills me (oops) that anyone would take their own life, but they are the ones doing it.

Crisis Text Line	Text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline	1-800-273-8255

ThermionicEmissions supports Ukraine.

ThermionicEmissions supports Russia.

The people, not their governments.

• 58% of adults say they use their smartphone too much.
• So if you're reading this blog on your phone, please don't continue!

According to a Gallup Poll, fewer Americans than ever believe in God.

According to believers, fewer Americans than ever believe in Gallup Polls.

The fitness app Strava leaked location of Israeli officials at a secretive base.

Don't use this crap - Fitbit or whatever else. All of these apps leak your info. 

The neighborhood is dying.

And by that I mean the Crazy Lady has left the building.

She was only 479 years old, which was young for whatever she was. I figured if it was cancer, she'd only scare it away. She wore out several knee implants.

So in honor of her life, here are some of her greatest hits:

• called the city because our bees 'bit' her
• called the city about standing water that attracted mosquitoes (the dog's pool)
• put the 'leaf collection' flyer on my windshield
• started edging my lawn because 'I don't do it right'

I thought of doing something to get even, but realized simply living next to her was getting even. At some point, the house will sell and we'll have nice neighbors. We miss the lady on the other side terribly.

Mornings: A Pox on Humanity

The Army has lifted their ban on recruits with mental health issues, like self-harm, bipolar disorder, depression, drug and alcohol abuse. If they're serious about mental health issues, they should recruit paranoid schizophrenics, manics, sociopaths, and psychopaths. They can get the job done.

• While joking with my lesbian friend, I told her I'm so good, she'll wish I was female. She was most amused, but started asking me about my wife. Perhaps she isn't a latent heterosexual after all.

A week after the iPhone X was released, a Vietnamese security company has cracked the face recognition, allowing access to the phone. It involves a mask printed with a 3D printer, some silicone, makeup and two-dimensional images, costing about $150. There still may be a passcode requirement in certain cases, but they got there. Yeah, fingerprint, facial recognition, very secure.

Just for fun, a British supermarket is experimenting with facial recognition at checkout, using a smartphone app. What could possibly go wrong?

• If you're not ready to delete your Faceyspaces account, you can deactivate it. Of course, none of us have a Faceyspaces account, and even if we did, it would already be deleted.

A Russian developer snuck cryptocurrency mining into certain android apps. Although this is not technically illegal, it should have been disclosed. Mining benefits the developer and slow the app down appreciably. While there's no sure way to avoid this, I urge the same cautions you should use for any android app: read the reviews for obvious shills and weird foreign spellings of words and grammar. Don't download foreign apps, even if there are a million downloads already. Stick to known apps. Also, don't install anything by "Oxothuk", who claims he disclosed mining via Terms and Conditions, which should come with a five dollar reward for reading. Install Malwarebytes. Be careful out there.

• Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the air, you might want to avoid the 757 and 737, which are the majority of planes. DHS hired hackers, who managed to get into the planes' control systems. The results are classified. The hacks are not out for anybody to use. They don't affect the 787 or Airbus A350, which have 'cybersecurity built in.'

A passenger was asked to deplane after her emotional support pig became disruptive.  She complied and took a later flight, with her emotional support elephant.

• Another of the Smallest Books Known to Man: Heterosexual Males in the Audience at the Wendy Show.
• Speaking of which, don't forget to avoid any tv show that uses the phrase "baby mama" or has "Dog the Fatty Hunter" in the name.

Don Ritchie saved between 160 and 500 people from suicide in Australia, maintaining a post by a popular spot to leap. "Why don't you come and have a cup of tea?" he'd ask people who were ready to jump off the cliff. An everyday hero.

• As his health is almost puppy-like, Marshall's behavior has gone straight to hell. He has throughly trained his mom to show up when he gives a cue. The cue is either whining, whine/growling, or a sharp bark. It sometimes gets worse when we're eating, which is intolerable. Lately we've taken to ignoring the little loon because when he realizes he's not getting anything, he leaps on the couch or the bed and snoozes. His need for whatever he needs keeps his mom up most of the night. If she makes the mistake of sleeping, he leaps up, whines, and waits for her to make eye contact. This can go on a number of times. I think he knows his dad will not wake up for much of anything.

Yeah, we know I'm a bit behind in my popular culture.
There are many claims of Illuminati involvement in the music industry. If nothing else, it's a shockingly salacious claim for the public, which will suck up whatever it's told. Most of the public is unaware of it but it's gaining popularity and has no shortage of YouTube and other 'proof'. I checked with an industry person, who flatly refused to discuss it with me, backing off like mad.

If you're even newer to the game than me, these huge stars go through mind control to push a large, nefarious agenda. The Manchurian Candidate is not a work of fiction, period. If you have any doubts, look up the MK-ULTRA program, run by our friends in the CIA, with our tax dollars. This morning I read that the Canadian government quietly paid on a claim for a MK-ULTRA survivor (part of the experiments were done in Canada, at the behest of the CIA). The US also paid, after MK-ULTRA was discussed in Congress (with the required missing/destroyed documents).

How does the mind control work? The subject is subject to torture to create alternate personalities (alters) for whatever reason. In Manchurian Candidate, it was for a political purpose. When I say torture, I'm not kidding. You can do the research on YouTube and the net.

Mind control is Multiple Personality Disorder (now Dissociative Identity Disorder). It is 'usually' achieved in childhood, from repeated traumatic sexual abuse, whether sick child molesters or cults. The personality is not really set til about age nine, so it's easier to create in children.

I recently came across this Britney Spears clip.
It's an interview with Diane Sawyer, where Britney behaves strangely, popping out laughing and talking like a child. This is allegedly proof of what's called Monarch programming. I asked my in-house expert, who was wide-eyed, and said there were three alters there.

There are a host of other clips of entertainers and politicians. A lot of what's out there is pure BS, but this deserves further investigation. A clip of Serena Williams comes right out and mentions the names of certain alters, saying she was unaware of one being out, but was told she was at one tournament. Sometimes the host personality (the original) is unaware of the presence of others. Sometimes they are aware. Sometimes they achieve co-consciousness (two are aware at the same time), which I'm guessing is rare in these cases.

You'll also note that sometimes celebrities wig out (Britney's famous hair removal, Katy Perry's breakdown). My guess is that they go back for a tune-up. This is just a guess, but based upon my knowledge of generic DID, a system can crash.

I joke about being a tin foil hat kinda guy, but the evidence is there. Your job is to take a look and come to your own conclusions. Will you wear the Hat or just refer to me as a kook?

a person (and his dog) needs to be comfortable

Not Selling You Anything - Just My Fragile Ego

Apparently there's an NFL draft In Philly. I find this stuff out on the news. The city is expected to be an even bigger mess, although I can't figure out why.  Send it to New Jersey, where they could cover it between shootings. But, there's little to report on these days since cancer was cured.

• Some enterprising bastard of a hacker took control of over 200 ISIS accounts, loading them up with gay porn. This is pretty fun news, although probably misguided. The should have gone with sex with pigs to get the point home. Ok, it's pretty close either way...

Surprise! 'Inbox tidying' service Unroll.me has been caught selling data. Who would have thought that a service that has access to your email sells data? In this particular case (wanna bet there are others?), Uber bought data on Lyft receipts. The data was 'anonymized'.  The CEO has apologized for not being clear enough that it sells anonymized data to clients.  Terribly sorry we didn't make it clear that we get your firstborn.

ThermionicEmissions would like to provide you with a Guide to Data Privacy.

No.

That is your guide.

Does a service want access to your inbox?  No.

Does a service want access to your network?  No.

Does a program want access to anything else on your phone?  No.

Does a program want location access?  No.

If you ever experience a moment of doubt, ask yourself WWTED: What Would ThermionicEmissions Do? HINT: the answer is generally going to be no, unless it involves mamallian protuberances.

• Webroot Antivirus 'mistakenly' flags Windows as malware and Faceyspaces as a phishing site. I'm not sure why they said mistakenly...

Saudi Arabia has just been elected to the UN Women's Rights Commission. In other news, Palestine has been elected to the UN Commission on Antisemitism.

• Serena Williams has confirmed her pregnancy on social media. Seriously, who cares? It's a good thing cancer has been cured.

How's Marshall doing, you ask?
Spectacular! Even better than an NFL draft!
The surgeon said his incision healed completely and he won't require more meds. When the Cone of Shame came off, he went right back to Puppy Mode (he's about 13), jumping on furniture, making himself at home on the bed, getting up and down the steps without difficulty, and generally being a Happy Spaniel. We're absolutely overjoyed and thankful.

• Here's an interesting little android stat: over two million users have fallen victim to malware from the Google Play store, in the form of guides to games.
• partial list: guides for FIFA Mobile, Criminal Case, Super Mario, Subway Surfers, Pokemon Go, Lego Nexo Knights, Lego City My City, Ninjago Tournament, Rolling Sky, Amaz3ing Spider-Man, Drift Zone 2, Dream League Soccer, and many more.
• Google has cleaned the mess up but if you have downloaded any of these, it's time to run an antivirus.

What kind of fresh stupidity is this? In the name of 'gender equality', a Washington teacher doesn't let boys play with Lego ..to allow the girls to 'catch up'. 

• Our long national nightmare is over: Costco has Chocolate Frosted Flakes back in stock. Good thing - we were going through detox.

Today's As-Yet Unheard Phrase: "He loaned the wheel from our mower to the neighbor."

• Today is Alien Day. As a Martian-American, I couldn't be more proud.

As we know, I'm usually behind the 8 ball because I don't keep up with Popular Shit. In an effort to fix that, and because I care about you, I want to bring you a new term: Stealthing. And I want to bring you its definition: a man removing his condom during sex. Yes, this is now a Thing.

• The latest payment card breach is brought to us by Chipotle. This is the firm that also brought e.coli to their burritos, so it would behoove them to get it right. They believe the breach took place between March 24 and April 18 and there is no more information provided. Chipotle has not enabled the chip on payment cards, claiming it will slow down lines.  I just ate there and have damn near full confidence in their ability to keep e.coli out of my food.

Google thinks my Ubuntu linux browser is Safari. To make things more interesting, it will not allow me to upload pictures.  It's all too much first thing in the morning.

• A headline from this morning: Murder victim's Fitbit contradicts husband's version of events.  We won't get into the article but check out the title... Fitbit data. The data collected by the woman's Fitbit. Remember: all of these devices collect your information. Even if you're not planning on murdering anybody, which I hope none of us are, be aware of this with any new program or device.

Hoo boy - Amazon's new Echo Look goes wherever you get dressed and will tell you if that outfit looks good (or makes you look fat). Amazon has confirmed this data will be stored 'indefinitely'.  Yes, you too can have Amazon in your bedroom - but it won't do 'that' for you.

• When we were young, we marveled at the thoughts of what technology would accomplish in our lifetime. It's 2017, we still have cancer, but damn, those Instagram filters are da bomb, no?