Aardvarks with Anvils All in Arizona Around An Alleged Ark

 

Your love is like  peanut butter wanton soup

Keep in mind that we are now past the Groundhog Equinox. This means the days are getting longer. So watch out for .37 extra minutes of clouds and gloom.

• Pakistan: Police hunt for 'healer' who hit nail into woman's head for baby boy
• procedure for female child: cut off head

Today I identify as  a complete set of drink coasters your parents always used, but you threw away because you don't use drink coasters and they were ugly. Now that your parents are gone, you miss the coasters.

• my workplace wants everybody to know we're getting bigger, better printer copiers.
• 95% of us work from home. 

It's human nature, I know. To keep touching the spot the dentist operated on and stitched. If you're supposed to ignore it, your tongue will spend 75% of its time there. I would rather not know, so that area is largely untouched, like the collection of Playboy magazines at Neverland. I know there's no tooth there and would prefer not to. But there are stitches and I think I feel them hanging around, in not particularly attached ways. This disturbs and horrifies me, because I'm terrified of stitches, even after donating a tooth. Don't let anybody tell you there's no difference between male and female dentists: the male dentist pulled a tooth and I barely noticed anything happened. The female seemed to be doing some sort of dance, which calling out the choreography: "To one side, to the other side, to one side, to the other side." I swear when she got it out, she sounded surprised that it came out in one piece, if not at all.

So I had to make an appointment to sit there and go over options for toothal replacement (see, I already speak the lingo). They have some ingenious ways of generating appointment fees.... I think there are three ways of dealing with it:

1. Bridges: it's where several teeth are sorta bound together, but as with all bridges, there's never a toll taker when you need one. If you have more than one bridge, one can take over from the other if one is down. To the best of my knowledge, they do not raise when ships come by.
2. Implants: these are nowhere near as fun as the alien implants. At least you don't know it happened when the aliens do the work. It's a different story when dentists get involved. They bring in all sorts of pneumatic tools, stick some of it in your mouth, install a screw in your jaw, then glue something that looks like a tooth to it. The thought of this makes every single hair on my body stand up and scream NOOOOOOOOOO. Strangely, it is also the most expensive, at about one decent guitar per tooth.
3. I can't remember. Maybe just leaving it alone, leaving you toothless.

My wife has no fear, probably because they're my teeth, but she says implant. Funny, I never said implants to her.....

In the meantime, things are....   different.... in my mouth. There's another spot waiting for a decision. The funny part is that it's in roughly the same spot on the other side, so I can't chew correctly on either side. It's like internal food ping pong with sharp food. Plus I have to manage to miss the stitched side while also missing the other side. I saw a bag of mixed Salty Things tonight. They were all pointy, so I couldn't eat them. So naturally I tried. A mini Dorito can cause as much pain and damage as chewing razorblades. Naturally the sharp end goes right into the stitches.

What do they recommend?  Soft foods.

What, baby food? Meal replacement shakes? Weight Watchers pre-delivered, pre-digested pablum? I'm living off soda, soup, and ice cream, which, I guess, could be worse. For some reason, no straws. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be told I can't have my little YooHoo juice boxes? SO I got out my welding torches and accessories, and managed to open the top to drink from, so I didn't use that stupid plastic straw. Necessity is a mother, or something. I guess we all have to be proud of something... most people would be proud of not passing out in the dentist's chair, not throwing up, not complaining about needles. I'm proud I can get to the cold chocolaty YooHoo goodness without the forbidden straw. Unfortunately, more of it winds up on my shirt this way.

Flying AIDS News  

CDC turns to poop surveillance for future COVID monitoring

if the shit fits...

Covid: Australia to reopen borders to international travel

Canada trucker protest: Ottawa declares emergency

Inside the $250 million effort to convince Americans the coronavirus vaccines are safe

Covid-19 vaccines and treatments: we must have raw data, now

Pfizer CEO says two Covid vaccine doses aren't 'enough for omicron'

Moderna’s omicron booster was only as good as current vaccine in monkey study

Kansas medical board faces threats from lawmakers for probing ivermectin use

seriously now - they are not allowing investigation to see if it works. SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

Beijing 2022: Winter Olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes 

• freezing conditions, dismal housing
• suspicion that loyalty songs to Chinese leader are not normally sung every morning at 6am at the Olympics
• spy cameras are not catching their best angles
• Chinese condom quality control sub-optimal
• Elaine Chen, American skater, about to steal Olympic business secrets and emigrate to China

I finally did it. I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS hit. Today we somehow managed to get out of the house to visit. It's not that they'd have anything I wanted, but to get out and sort of a symbolic visit. They told me right off the bat there wasn't a single left handed guitar in the store. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch... there sure are a lot of guitars here. On the door was a sign that said due to CDC guidance, masks not required for vaccinated customers. That changes daily, but good for us.

There was a Cracker Barrel on the way home. I see the sign but it still seems like a foreign restaurant to me. Mrs. lefty went once and suggested I de-virginize myself. We checked the menu online... if I were to make a joke about Cracker Barrel, it might start with chicken fried chicken. But no, it's on the menu. After reading through the menu it seemed like a foreign language that used the same words we do. Country ham, sugar ham, down home ham, and everything is fried, even the boneless, skinless chicken (the healthy choice). Chicken fried steak, chicken fried ham, ham fried eggs, egg fried mashed potatoes, and Coke. As much as I could decode from the menu, they seem to speak Southern. Perhaps this is revenge for the war.... Yankees ain't got no breedin'.

Small wonder Wife wanted to go... there's a large store/gift shop in front of the dining room. And there was a bizarre selection of Stuff for sale - everything from car toys to cast iron cookware (the husband behavioral aid). There was a whole half wall of sodas I'd never seen before. The most confusing one was Red Soda. Just Red Soda. WTF is Red Soda? Am I supposed to feel stupid asking? They had Windex soda, which is anything light blue, but it had the good grace to say it was blue cream soda.

Finally pried away from the buyables, we went to get sat. They had a really cool app for the tablet that showed the tables. I thought it was really cool. Off we went. Past the first section. Looking at the second section, into the third section. The hostess looked a little confused, and disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. I looked at Wife and said "This is going to get more difficult, isn't it?" She agreed, but hostess finally returned from her cigarette/line/doobie, still a bit quizzical, and finally sat us in the very rear of the last section. So I'm wondering about the point of the cool app on her tablet. Did it actually show tables, whether they were full, and the waitress, or was it all just for show and to further confuse the staff?

Reading the menu was difficult for me. I'm fairly fluent in english, but remember, this was Southern (or something). I had to keep asking Wife what this or that meant. This was weird too, as Wife has never been south of New Jersey. The menu items were just... not what we generally eat here, generally for health reasons. They did have a rainbow trout dish, which I thought would be healthier, but they deep fried it with deep fries. I decided on meat loaf, because how can you fsck up meat loaf? That was my mistake. When I ask how you can fsck something up, restaurants take it as a challenge.

I want to be fair here; after an hour or so, when the food appeared, it was good. The Coke was good. I tasted a dumpling, which I can safely say I would live just fine without, although I was assured it was a good dumpling.  It was at this point I came up with the one dish they were missing, but would put them over the top: Bacon-Wrapped Ham.

So far the score is Liked It (1), Didn't Hate It (1). You don't know this but Didn't Hate It is actually high praise. I hate everything. They suddenly ran out of everything for dessert, so I had some nice Industrial Vanilla ice cream. On the way out, I tried as best I could to corral all the little spenders, so the non-food bill was only $57. I don't understand it, but she buys large bags and gives them as presents. You'd think they were filled with gold. The entire family is thrilled with a sturdy large bag. And they stop stealing hers. Where am I going with this? Off a cliff. 

I have an extremely vague memory of a chain called Stuckey's in the South. Dan Baird even referenced it in a song (Julie and Lucky).

Oh yeah, Guitar Center had a deck of Elvis playing cards for $20. I don't know whether this came about before or after Chapter 11.

Definitions 

fantasmare: when you give in and fly out to visit your parents. Is it a fantasy or nightmare? Both.                         - contributed by Mrs. lefty

• there I sat, grumbling that the dog had once again failed to take the trash out, when I noticed it was sunny outside. I stopped for a while to let this register. It was difficult. I sat in my office and could see the sun out of the corner of my eye. It was distracting and threw me off my work.
• my coworkers, some in other states, don't understand. Their states get more than two days per week of sun. When I tell them, they look at me like I have three heads. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the way they look at me normally.
• we keep our cameras taped over for safety reasons. Perhaps the safety of the person on the other side, in case they got a glimpse of me.

Stuff, already impossible to find, has taken a new opportunity to confuse. Whereas we had a place for everything, that changed daily, we now have a place for everything, that changes slightly, perhaps by itself, but the data isn't in on that yet.

Unable to find my hand in front of my face to start, this makes things incredibly difficult. Before, stuff used to move by entire rooms or sides of the house. Now it moves a foot or two. It might as well be the entire side of the house, because I still can't find it. Just the other day I went to get something.. I forget if it was toilet paper or head gaskets for an old eight cylinder engine. I was getting ready to shout "Hey, Honey, where are the..." when I moved my head slightly and discovered the item had moved, but only a foot or so, just out of my immediate field of vision. This is not so bad with head gaskets, but potentially catastrophic with toilet paper. Just two weeks ago, toilet paper had moved from a counter display to a floor display. Men are not equipped to deal with this sort of change, and will stand there until either they re-discover it or a spouse comes along to explain it. So now I at least have a head start on finding things. Before I yell "Where is the...." I look within a two foot radius.

Now that I've figured this out, I'll need to work on how it's happening. I know all disappearances and reappearances were the work of Wife. The slight moves could still be the work of Wife, or maybe House. Stuff just happens. Sometimes we don't even bother questioning it. Like the time the bed moved to the basement. Wife can't lift it and it's just not something I'd do. So how did it get there, and why did *I* have to put it back? I guess Bed-Moving Elves could be an answer, as well as a dog who had developed super powers. I just don't get what they get out of it. Maybe they get off on the confusion they create. Poltergeists? Leprechauns? The Cauliflower Marketing Board?

We have to sage the fsck out of this place.

• The US Navy has announced a position for carrier experts, to be paid at a very high level. The candidate will be able to keep track of F-35 aircraft and see they are secured correctly. IF they land.

The USS Bajyma 

Captain: how long has it been?

Mate: a week, Sir

Captain: and still no sight of our target?

Mate: What *is* our target, Sir?

Voiceover: 25 men, aboard the USS Bajyma. Its sacred mission; find the Port of Clitorris. Explore for the good of mankind.

Mate: Oh. I have heard this Port of Clitorris spoken of, but didn't know it was a real place.

Captain: That is what we are going to find out.

Mate: Captain - I think I see it - the Port of Clitorris! After only a few weeks' sail on the Sea of Lubriccasion.

Captain: That's why you get the Big Bucks, Matey. Tie off - we're going ashore!

Mate: I've not seen the likes of this anywhere.

Captain: Aye. (because there had to be an 'aye' in there somewhere)

Mate: What are your orders?

Captain: Explore.

Mate: Captain, we've been here for a week.

Captain: what have you found?

Mate: it's going to sound silly, Sir, but there's a formation that comes and goes, occasionally getting larger.

Captain: We must document this for our backers. Shore leave!

Mate: Captain - where to now? More exploration?

Captain: We will continue to explore the Port of Clitorris. Ever since we started, the women have been very nice to us. The longer we explore, the nicer they are.

This week in Tesla News does not feature Tesla.

Instead, Kia and Hyundai warn 485,000 SUV owners to park outside due to fire risk. The cause is an antilock brake controller module, not an exploding battery. Sorry, Elon, better luck next week.

lefty Exits the House -but not the Building

 After who knows how many weeks, we finally got outside the house (for more than taking out the trash or leaving presents for neighbors that are no longer with us). We did the right thing, going to the mall's page to check their hours. Then we were off the the place that rhymes with Billadelphia Mills Outlet Mart. Go ahead, laugh... it was much better when it was Franklin Mills. 

So many closed businesses. Large holes in the mall. Most new stores were low rent. You'd also be hard pressed to find stores that were there for more than a few years. We checked in advance for food. Out of two food courts, one shrunk down and absorbed all its stores, like a woman's private parts absorbing the man they eat. And then there was one food court. To call it a food court is to be generous. It had a lot of seating and looked like it wanted to be a food court when it grew up, but in order to be a true food court, and I shouldn't give away this business secret, you need actual food restaurants. There was a Sbarro, but there's a Sbarro in every food court - it's mandated by local law. After having tried Sbarro once or twice, I stopped because they violated one of the laws of physics: it came out faster than it went in. In fact, I don't know a single person who eats there, yet there they are. I have a theory.... Sbarros are a money laundering scheme. For the mafia or government, I don't know, but how could they stay open otherwise? There are damn near three other restaurants too, bringing the total to damn near four restaurants. So what I'm saying here is this does not constitute a food court. It barely constitutes a strip of shops. There were two fully-functioning food courts in years past. They got sucked up like your tax breaks.

Since the last time I was at the mall, they removed every bench, for our shopping convenience and pleasure. When you consider an average couple, one will find most of the stores irresistible and one won't. Take a guess at which is which. So I went outside to sit and BOOM - not a bench in sight. Handicapped people use the mall too, and might need to sit down now and again. So there's the entrance to a store, and ten men sitting on the floor outside because there's no benches anywhere. Mrs. lefty says it's because they don't want anybody sitting around because of the Flying AIDS. If so, certain mall people are in the cheap scotch again.

For the entire time there have been cell phones, there have been people walking around while looking at them. This is some sort of black magic to me. I have to be careful while sitting and looking at the phone. I'd be walking into things, like benches, if there were any.

There were two stores I wanted to see, in the one hundred stores present. Sam Ash music went all Guitar Center by halving its inventory. I guess it's the Flying AIDS economy.... I'm not blaming them, it just sucks as a customer. The other store was Cinnabon. Those things are so good, it's almost a sexual thrill. And BOOM - the store was closed. It was starting to get personal.

About half of the stores required a breathing arrestor (mask). Haven't we flattened the curve yet, Fauci? If you go to Philly restaurants, you have to provide PROOF of vaccination and wear a mask. The technical term for this is Shooting darts at a moving target in the dark.

Didn't expect a Victoria's Secret, but there it was. Guys - have you ever looked at the price tags on that stuff? Even on the half-off racks, it was too expensive. I know Victoria's Secret: it's how you can get so many people to pay so much for so little. Victoria's operates on the Fantasy Principle; if you buy this, you'll look just like the model in the picture. You'll find this in the cosmetic business (if I wear this, I'll look just like the model on the magazine), as well as the home repair business (if I buy lots of tools, I'll be able to build stuff). In all cases, you're going to be very disappointed (unless you already look like the model in the picture or can build stuff). I learned a very important thing: you should not yell out "Honey, are you still a 36C or did you put on weight again?" But Mrs. lefty is naturally smarter than me... while waiting in the interminable line for the lone cashier, she asked me if I saw anything I liked for her. Why yes, I did; I pointed them out while we stood in front of them. That way she could play stupid, and even if she went to get them, I wouldn't have the patience to stand in line. So she got what she wanted and made it look like I had been given the chance to get what I wanted. Major Wife Skills. Then there's the push-pull of What Women Want vs What Men Want. I noticed everything I looked at was full of holes and very small. She looked at things with no holes, that came to her knees. In the end, this is extremely confusing to the male of the species, because even if something is purchased, it's not likely he's going to see it much. In some cases, at all.

We're in another one of those God-Help-Me stores that are filled with women because all the men have taken their place in the hanging line right outside the store. Yes, they're voluntarily hanging themselves rather than go in the (candle) store. Being the nice guy I am (for the entire first of January) I went in. I have bags and drinks and bags. Both hands and arms are full. I looked like Kim Kardashian's valet on a small shopping trip. I have a pair of smoothies; tropical punch and strawberry, but the real issue here is that after tasting both, we can't figure out which is which. If you gave them to us randomly and asked what flavor they were, we couldn't tell you. All I could come up with is 'Ick.' The way to get past this problem is to redesignate them Cold Slushy Substance, then you expect nothing when you swallow them. It bears noting that we also have some fresh cookies too, of the Toll House variety, in our bags. But I can't tell you where we got them... you know.. Toll House in the mall.. or anything. She turns around to me and says "Hold this." At this point, I'm wondering which appendage she'd prefer I use, when it hit me: I need to invent the Prehensile Penis. Being hidden notwithstanding, the penis is not really useful as-is in a store. Well, unless you can find a spot where no one will see you, but it's not great in most normal retail situations, except possibly holding donuts, which also assumes certain things about the size and state of the penis in question. But if it were Prehensile, it could hold stuff, stiff or otherwise. This leaves the gentleman with another appendage to carry purchased items and the lady with more buying to do because there is now 25% more carrying capacity (are you listening, GMC?). Win-win! And then when you get home, there's no telling what other uses there are for a prehensile penis. Win-win-win!

After we got home, the bags got piled up on the floor for review, because nothing is technically purchased until it's reviewed (aka Booty Call). Beat to hell, she goes to bed. As it's time for dessert (it's always time for dessert), I want my cookie. Now.

AND THE FSCKING BAGS ARE NOT THERE ANYMORE.  I just located dirty pots that I didn't even know we had (probably someone else's) but I cannot find the bags I just put there 30 minutes ago. The honey for tea moves every few days. The crackers wander. The work boots generally hang out in a sink or two (the left one anyway). Even the exhaust systems for GMC cars from 1973-1975 take weeks to move. Yet the bag with who knows what she bought AND MY COOKIES is gone. If it were daytime, I'd do what I do 365 days of the year - ask her. But if I were stupid enough to try and wake her, I might return missing parts. It would be a sad day if I had finally gotten the prehensile penis thing going, knowwhatImean? 

Not having eaten all day and smart enough to avoid the Food Court Wannabe, we decided on our favorite Mexican place. Closed. Ok, time for barbecue. Closed. It was beginning to feel personal. Wendy's was closed. The One True Pizza - closed. Every one of our favorite restaurants and even more non-favorite restaurants were closed. It was New Year's Day - people tend to eat out. Everything used to be open. Did I miss the email? Should I have risked my GI system and gone to Sbarro? You have to drive fast after eating there, so you get home to your personal toilet before.. uhhh... things start happening. You know, before you look like something from Alien. You could use a mall toilet if you want. We checked the mall directory and located two toilets. That's two toilets for about a solid mile of mall. Perhaps they took the toilets AND the benches out for our shopping pleasure.

SO..... we got out after many many weeks. Every time we tried, there was something stopping us (snow, traffic, intestines, Large Japanese Monster Avoidance). Was it worth it? The answer can be stated in roughly two words: Not really. But if we continued to be trapped in the house, we'd never know. We need some sort of time travel visualizer (alternate phase inducer, string theory thingie). Not to time travel, but to see what would have happened had we actually gone. Then the two of us could sit there, shake our heads, and say geez, we're really glad we didn't do that.

So I don't have my cookies, but there's ice cream in the freezer - I can smell it. It cannot hide from me anymore - those days are gone. I wonder how much I'm going to lose it before I can't blog anymore. Maybe at that time I'll use voice dictation (the wife). Assuming she hasn't lost it first.

While shopping, I saw what could possibly be the greatest achievement of modern society ever: battery-powered fake candles. Not exciting, but they came with a remote control. Now you don't even have to get off your corpulent hairy buttocks to light your candles - you remain on the couch and press a button. This is life-changing. If your microwave could deliver your food to you or the delivery guy could bring the pizza to your couch, there would be no cause or reason to leave the couch. Ok, one.

I didn't have time to study the devices intimately, but all they needed to make them absolutely perfect was an auto-off feature. You know... after 8 hours, they turn themselves off. I know people who have auto-off curling irons, auto-off heaters, auto-off ovens and stoves, leading to auto-off houses. Some people cannot be trusted with electricity or heat, lest they burn the place down. Sometimes the insurance company requires you to purchase these items before they'll cover your house or apartment.

• Hey, you know those guys who were 'guarding' Jeffrey Epstein when he 'committed suicide'? The guards who were napping and doing other Important Stuff instead of their rounds? Federal charges were very quietly dropped against them on December 13, but not made public til December 30th. Lots of really shady, hidden decisions.
• Jeffrey Epstein was murdered and no one will answer for it. Regardless of charges against him, murder is a pretty serious crime and justice must be done.
• The only surprise in this travesty of justice is that Ghislane Maxwell is still alive.

I sat down in 'my chair' the other day and it had become.... fragile.... weak. I think it might be leaving the house, part by part. Either that or I will come down one morning to find it in a pile of its component parts. If I find it like this, it will be of great importance not to sit in it. I'd probably wind up with nails in places I shouldn't have nails. Or worse, splinters.

I don't want to go through this. The chair I sit on seems to do the job, except for constantly getting the laptop cord caught in it when I stop reclining. I'd have to go to actual furniture stores to look. I haven't spent much time in actual furniture stores in longer than the radio has been playing absolute crap. I just know when I go into one, some guy in a rug, with a really bad, mismatched plaid suit, named Herb (think WKRP), is going to assail me just upon my passing through the portal. Herb will ask me what I was looking for. Not knowing, I'll tell him I was looking for a good place to get a suit (now we know where to avoid). Maybe I'll look at him and keep making rug references. The problem here is that Herb will insist upon talking to me, which tends to really spoil my day.

 The thing is, I don't know what I want, aside from 'chair that moves backwards.' Since I have spent several dog lifetimes not being in a furniture store, I don't know what's available, and, heaven forbid, what it costs.  I don't know if there's a profile for people like me in Sales School. If there is, it's probably called AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Herb, I have a deal for you: LEAVE ME ALONE and if I buy a chair, I'll tell them you sold it to me. I'm sure all salesmen aren't like used car salesmen, but I don't want to deal with any of them. Herb, if you hover, I'll bite you.

The next problem is the chairs will cost more than guitars, which will set up an internal conflict. Guitar-recliner. Recliner-guitar. That's before we discuss Sofa. This is fraught with problems and will probably require a referee and an accountant. Possibly the bomb squad.

There is so much to do and so little of it getting done

This week in Tesla: we have absolutely nothing about fire or spontaneous explosions. Tesla is recalling 475,00 of its Model 3 and Model S because rearview camera and trunk issues 'increase risk of crashing.' I suppose we can say fire is involved if they crash. Although from some of the less than intelligent folks driving the cars, the rearview camera is faulty because they're using it to watch Taylor Swift videos.

As for the trunk, a faulty hood latch may lead to the trunk opening without warning. So if you're riding down the highway and see a car wandering over three lanes, with an open hood, the kids can now say, "Look, Mom, there's a Tesla!"

As violence rises against Jews in Germany, one group has a radically simple scheme to fight back - "Meet a Jew"

What could possibly go wrong?

You will be patted down at the gate for weapons and rotten fruit.

Meet a Jew follows on the failure of several similar programs:

• Meet an illegal immigrant
• Meet the boss' nephew who got promoted over you
• Meet a Fuhrer

The program will run all week, except of course Friday night and Saturday.

Isn't Antisemitism in Germany just a little disconcerting?

Flying AIDS News 

EXCLUSIVE: Are we on the brink of OVER-vaccinating in the fight against Covid? Experts warn dishing out fourth jabs in spring may be unnecessary - and Omicron may be world's 'natural' vaccine that finally ends pandemic

New York governor declares racism 'public health emergency' amid new anti-discrimination legislation

Right after this, the public health people announced they were going to take race into consideration for who to give Flying AIDS medicines that may be less available. Maybe the governor was right.

 

Christmas with the Cohens

 

Your love is like  a peaceful BLM/Antifa rally

Way back when people went to malls, before the internet and the Flying AIDS all but wiped them out, we got to see all sorts of interesting stores. Ok, I lied, but at least every mall had a Victoria's Secret, with hyper-aggressive salesgirls. Can I help you sir? Yes, I'm looking for some fashionable girdles to hold my prodigious gut in. And stockings... some nice stockings. I want to feel pretty.

Where was I?

I figured out Victoria's secret: how she can get so many people to pay so much for so little.

One thing I miss, before the crowds started to bother me (any more than 2 of us in the store at 1 time), was Sharper Image. Sharper Image or whatever store it was that had all the incredibly overpriced gadgets. A lighted wine opener for $149.99. The best binoculars with video recorder (because there were no others) for $299. A recliner that did massage for $4799, $6399 for the masseuse option. A lighted, heated car seatcover, also with masseuse option. For the kids, an actual Porsche that only works indoors. For the smart kids, a remote-controlled plutonium refining plant. For the less-gifted kids, a remote-controlled junkyard in Detroit somewhere. A Bluetooth mixer that texts you when the dough is mixed (or the fingers have been mashed). A Bluetooth blanket that texts you when you're warm enough. A Bluetooth app that searches for only the kind of pr0n you like, and texts you when it fills up your computer. The piece de resistance is a Bluetooth dresser that you can summon with a text. Impress your friends... call the dresser and it appears!

Since the Flying AIDS has put a cramp in my malling (and my life), I don't get to see these stores (are not in malls anymore), so I located them online. Ok, even grade school dropouts and DMV workers can find Sharper Image and Hammacher Shlemmer and FAO Schwarz. Looking at heated this and Bluetooth that just isn't the same online. Or I'm getting less interested (as if that were possible). Or the toys are getting less interesting (most likely). Oh well, progress.

Speaking of progress, you can order a couch at Costco. Hold the phone - order a couch? Well, it was mighty nice looking in the weekly flyer. Mrs lefty thought so. I had to agree with her, but there was the small problem of not being able to sit in it before we bought it. I don't buy a guitar without playing it first. She doesn't buy grapes without eating one first. What if the monolith of a couch gets here and it's the wrong shade of black (commonly referred to as brown)? What if she sits in it, immediately sags to sea level, and requires an entire fire company to extract her? What if we mistakenly got the ejector seat option and she hits the wrong button? What if the dog isn't comfortable??  Mrs lefty mentions they have a return policy. Have you ever tried to stuff an entire multi-piece sofa back into individual cardboard boxes? Then you call for pickup and they tell you it needs to be returned to the store.

So I'm not getting a couch from a catalog, but I did learn that in Israel, they have destroyed cancerous cells in mice. They hope for human trials in 2 years. Hold the phone (again) - at least 2 years between method and human trials for cancer, but a 1 yr method to human use for a Flying AIDS vaccine. It can take years for a new medicine to hit the market because of the testing required. I used to be in the industry - this isn't something somebody read on Faceyspaces. Let's use our Calm Voices: I think there might be something off about the Flying AIDS vaccine. "We rushed the Flying AIDS vaccine to market but we're taking our time on a possible cure for cancer."

Today I identify as  a 1947 fire truck, with a bell that goes ding, ding, ding!

A southwest Philly man is in the hospital after being shot 11 times.

What does this tell us?

• bullets aren't expensive enough
• southwest Philly needs better vision tests for its shooters
• somebody's homies are pointing and laughing at them

The Liberty Bell and Independence Hall will be closed through December.

Idiot Mayor thinks the bell could catch the Flying AIDS

• Guitar Center has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy due to the Flying AIDS, and will continue business while restructuring.
• see what happens when I don't leave the house?
• also might have something to do with shrinking store inventory

Joe Biden is starting to look for cabinet appointees. So far, the only skills required are CPR and the ability to repeat things over and over without going mad. They are also required to attend Kamala's freaky weekend parties.

Over at the US Postal Service, they're introducing a nationwide digital 'Operation Santa', wherein kids write to Santa, and it will be shared online. To make things more realistic, the first 3 letters will be lost, Santa will only work 8 hours a day, with several breaks for drinking lunch and smoking blunts. Few of the letters will be answered, blaming Trump for budget cuts, and less will be posted because the USPS is busy burning all those ballots and other mail they just don't want to deliver. This will prepare kids for real life, with all its grief, greed, and disappointments. After liquid lunch, sometimes Santa gets itchy and signs his name 'Satan.'

In a totally unrelated matter, we've had 2 packages to return. Both were put in our mailbox, with the flag up, and both required a personal trip to the post office because Heidi the Mail Chick didn't pick either one up. Perhaps she was out the day they talked about letters in mailboxes with a TO: address.

I was never involved with this because I was at work, but we had a beloved mailman for many years, who was right out of the 50s. If something was heavy, he'd carry it in for people who couldn't. He was a real gentleman and a nice guy. When it was cold, people would make him hot chocolate. When it was really cold, people would make him hot chocolate with a bit of a boost in it. Because he was on our route for so long, and because everything was working so well, he needed to be transferred to a new route, in Postal Wisdom. Then we got Bob. No idea what his name was, but Bob is sufficient. Whenever we met our original guy and told him what was up, he'd say "Oh, you must have Bob."  I don't want to throw a lot of negativity on Bob; we got our mail (eventually), and he never appeared intoxicated or stoned - he just worked like it.

• Cojoined separated twins Sanchia and Eman Mowatt are now at university, and say 'We always knew we were different'
• Their parents are horrified they didn't manage to keep their childrens' secret from them.

Last week was America's Fools Day, the one day Congress does something right. They passed an IoT security bill, stating the government would only buy IoT devices with a certain level of security. This is hailed as a step to get a minimum level of IoT security in place. Not to worry, ladies and gentlemen, your doorbell camera will still be shared with police, and your baby cameras will still have Satan's voice coming out of them. This is also the 1 time per year that Congress rightly concerns itself with something more than actual Americans.

A black aspiring jockey in Britain wants to encourage other young black riders to get into horse racing. This would not go well in the US. Regardless, there is a Diversity in Racing Steering Group, so we can all sleep at night. 

Dear lefty  

• We're having turkey with all the trimmings. You?
• We're in danger of lamb. I might stay home and eat an Oscar Meyer bologna sandwich. It's not as miserable as it sounds - I put horseradish mustard on it.

The cancel student debt people are out, getting Biden's ear.

It's only fair.... so what if they signed on, agreeing to pay. They've determined it's unfair, after the fact, so the entire debt should be canceled.

Presumptive President Biden: I need you to cancel my mortgage debt. It's unfair.

It turns out the biblical Goliath might not have been as tall as first thought. Scholars translating the story from its original ancient French believe the person commenting to have said, "That man's as big as a truck," instead of 27 cubits, 1 parsec, and 4 stone.

Hey - miss your coworkers? Need a shot of the old geekness? Long for yet another place that women forgot? Have yourself a Virtual Christmas. Fire up your favorite conferencing software (that's not Zoom), decorate the old home office chairs and desks merrily, have someone do the announcements, and celebrate!

Screw this. Celebrate alone, like you're destined to. You never went to holiday parties anyway. Geeks don't do that - it's in the Geek Charter.

Here's some Flying AIDS news that contradicts the Narrative.... [italics mine]

First is the Danish mask study, which was completed several months ago but was only recently published in a peer-reviewed journal. The study took two groups and gave the first group masks to wear with instruction on how they should be used. The other group was the mask-free control group.

The study found that coronavirus spread within the statistical margin of error in each group. In other words, wearing the mask did little if anything to control the spread of the virus.

Similarly, a massive new study conducted in Wuhan, China, and published in the respected scientific journal Nature, reports that asymptomatic persons who have tested positive for Covid-19 do not pass on the infection to others. Considering that mask mandates and lockdowns are all based on the theory that asymptomatic “positive cases” can still pass on the sickness, this is potentially an important piece of information to help plan a more effective response to the virus. 

It's been a pretty shitty year, so it's more difficult to be thankful....

I'm thankful for good health for everyone around me. No murder in the family either. Imagine being thankful for no close deaths. Having a job. 1 or 2 days of sun per week.

I don't want to sound like a game show host, but thanks for coming by. This blog was difficult when I had 4 followers. The increased reads make me feel better. And when I feel better, I don't get into things (as quickly). 

Thanksgiving in May

Your love is like carpenter bees

Wawa Free Coffee Tuesday - because you made it through Monday.

Wawa is a Philly-area convenience store that is incredibly well stocked. Except for the coffee. They have 8 kinds of it, but if you serve 8 kinds of dirt, each one is still dirt. I like coffee that will take the skin off your fingers, which this definitely isn't. But let me say something nice: they want some of that sweet money from coffee drinks, and these are really good. And the strawberry smoothies are really sweet.

Guitar Center misses me. Truly. To show me, they send me emails. Many emails. The first one said they missed me - the honest approach. Next day said they missed me so much, they were offering me 15% off (purchases over $27,300). The next few days, they said they noticed I hadn't used my coupon yet. I have received more emails from psychotic ex-girlfriends. Then the email came from the store's manager, who wanted to let me know I now had 23.7% off. The next day, the manager wanted to know if the coupon wasn't good enough. It gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. 2 days later I got a weepy email, inviting me to his house to "talk about it - just talk." I'm just putting this out into the public. If I see a Guitar Center van out front, I'm calling SWAT.

Idiot Mayor or Idiot Governor is at it again. New restrictions are to be announced Monday. New Jersey banned outside bar seating. This is perfect for the Biden administration: mandate, don't inform or ask.

Today I identify as dog hair, all over your clothes

We have a Woodpecker. Once a year, the little *%&#er pops by and makes an ungodly amount of noise. Before getting out my ACME double barrel shotgun, I took video. It was very difficult to find him because he looked nothing like the cartoon. He didn't even say "BEEP BEEP". Perhaps he's a hybrid...

A CDC Thanksgiving 

The CDC (Clueless Diligence Committee) has released its rules for the holidays. They're completely different from last week's recommendations, which we've come to expect from the worldwide organization that can't get the current weather right. Rather than listing all the rules, let's look into Christmas at the CDC

Mommy, why do we have a huge table but only you and me are sitting at it.

That's because we're social distancing by 120 miles.

But Mommy, I want some turkey. How do you get it through the video screen?

That's at Uncle Bob's house. We have McDonald's McTurkey.

Mom, how can we eat with masks on?

We're losing a lot of weight this holiday season.

Why do people sprint around with pizza at Aunt Florida's house? 

Their Thanksgiving Pizza gets a lot of exercise because they're social distancing, so they have to run it next door, instead of passing it down the table.

Mommy.. what are those little baskets by everybody's plates?

They're for silverware - everybody brought their own.

They sure are drinking a lot.

Kills germs.

Awwww... I'm tellin...  Susie has more than 10 people at her house. Call the Hotline!

I don't remember you being such a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving.

Look.. some doctor in France said we should cancel the holidays. President Trump said no masks. President Biden said masks by law. What do we do?

We're the CDC, Honey. We said masks at some point in the beginning, then no masks, then masks again a few times. We need to drink our own Kool Aid.

There's Kool Aid? Mommy Mommy I want Kool Aid!

You can't have any, it's with the turkey that won't fit through the screen.

Isn't Thanksgiving a time to be together with your family and be thankful for what you have?

That's the old Thanksgiving. This year we don't have to bother with family and we can be thankful for billions more in funding!

That's not what the teacher in virtual school said.

Your virtual teacher isn't the CDC, is she?

Yeah, but when she says words, they always mean the same thing.

Johnny, go to your *$(#ing room, down the street. And if you don't wear your mask in the shower, there will be no dessert.

Don't forget - your purchases are available for curbside pickup.

Is this one of those phrases stores use that make no sense? Guitar Center has curbside pickup. Ok, bring me a $5,000 Les Paul. No, I don't need to try it out first, I'm sure your knowledgeable and well-trained staff will bring me a good one

We order stuff online so it gets delivered to the house, not so we can go pick it up. Here's a 150 item list - can you get everything and bring it to the curb (please)? Just call 215-555-1234 if you have any questions... we'll be in the lot, quivering in fear of the Flying AIDS, with our masks on, in the car. We're the same people who have sex with our masks on - you can never be too careful. Just kidding - we don't have sex. You never know where those parts have been and you can't get past a vaginal mask anyway.

Who does this benefit? I guess if you need a printer or ink refill THAT MOMENT, but you'll experience great disappointment if you go Best Buy. You order it online, go to pick it up curbside, and the employee will tell you that it's not a stock item, so you have to stay parked there for 3 weeks.

Plus you need to admit that you actually like going into Target and shopping for nothing, and leaving with $150 of nothing. You just can't do that curbside. I've got it - I have the future of shopping(!) - get ready.. Personal Shopping, the way nobody has ever seen it. You video call the store. A Helpful Sales Associate smiles and introduces herself. She has a camera on her head and goes up and down every aisle, showing you everything you like. Virtual Shopping! No Flying AIDS and you 'get out of the house'. Of course the cookies are $199.95 because they have to staff the place, but some people will pay for anything.

If you have OCD and are a germphobe, I guess curbside might help: there are 2 less pairs of hands touching your beef than if you were inside the store. You want as few hands touching your meat as possible. Jeff Bezos (Amazon) will send you anything you want, and a few things you didn't know were available, next day shipping - why do you need curbside?

Forget I said all that - support your local businesses.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this.... this.... stuff..?
• Oh, absolutely the women and the money 

Trump supporters did a largely peaceful march around D.C. Largely peaceful, until the other side showed up, sparking violence, arrests, and police intervention to keep the children apart. This puts the opposition in 1 of 2 classes: blithering idiots, or organized. If I were on the winning side of an issue and the losing side held a rally, I'd sleep in... my side already won - what's the point?

Local news featured a local restaurant. The owner says, "We are a Christian-based restaurant; everybody knows the love of Christ through our food." The news should do an investigation on this - does everybody know the love of Christ through their food, or are some locals faking it?

TV Stuff

There's a Fresh Prince of BelAir reunion on the way. 30 years in the making. I feel weepy.

Devastated by the death of Alex Trebek, several days later, Jeopardy fans have petitioned, 30k strong, for LeVar Burton to be the next host. You can't say the fans don't respect their departed host. Is this what they call Internet Time? 

An appeal from ThermionicEmissions

Look around and notice the good things, big or small. If you haven't been radically affected by the Flying AIDS, do a bit to help those who were. If it was your job or your business, you could use a bit of help. Your area probably has no shortage of charities that sprung up, or an SPCA, a church, something in your neighborhood. If you can, and if you think it's the right thing to do...

We're going through our neighbor, the Church Lady, because bad things tend to happen when I walk inside a church. Or Apple store.

I don't know if BLM or Antifa is watching, but something is up with Football. To date, the NFL has bent over for everything, but I think some individualism is starting to creep through. After a play, 2 guys touched arms together, then put their hands on their mustaches. Not only is this unhygienic, it could be some sort of fascist or white supremacist sign. This must be looked into immediately. No sign of joy must be allowed to creep into football. Maybe the ADL will claim the invisible mustache is only 1" wide, like Hitler's.

Noise Eliminators [Guitar Content Only]

These noise killers are misnamed at best.
They should be called 'Signal Killers Between Songs'.

They do absolutely nothing while you're playing.
You set the threshold when you're not playing, to shut the noisy signal down when you're not playing. This is almost essential when you're using really high gain tones and/or single coil pickups. You don't need one if you're really fast with the volume knob or just don't care.

When you stop the song, the noise eliminator stops the signal. The only problem is setting it so it doesn't mute softer passages you play, or riffs that have repeated, fast bits of silence in them.

I don't have one, but I don't have a ton of noise. Paul Barrere (RIP - Little Feat) said he got rid of his single coil Strat noise with noiseless pickups, and he was happy with their tone. It's pretty damn cool discussing guitars with a hero of yours.  Cool dude, friendly person, good player, will be missed.  


Just wanted to clear up the misnomer. They're great for what they do.






In other news, the barrage of emails from Guitar Center continues.
The sale on 'Platinum' guitars features 642 guitars, 10 of which are left handed. They're all between $3,000 and $4,000.  That's platinum alright...  

Meanwhile, in the price drops section, you can find myriad $10,000 Les Pauls, Les Pauls with hideous finishes, and many pointy guitars with EMG pickups. Also a pair of Teyes, for $4,000 and $9,800. Damn.

There's a Peavey Rage.
Rage is what you'll do when you hear it.
I pick on Peavey only because of what they sounded like when I started playing.



The Dallas International Guitar Festival has been rescheduled to September 25-27.  God, I miss guitar shows. I just can't play a guitar with a mask on. It gets in the way of playing with my teeth.



Trainwreck amps don't come up for sale often, but one just did on Reverb.
For the bargain price of $45,000, you get sonic nirvana. As a bonus, it was also Joe Bonamassa's recording and touring amp around 2012. I mention this because it appears I won't be purchasing the amp.

For those of you who haven't, Trainwreck amps were made by Ken Fischer in New Jersey, by hand, each tuned separately for the buyer. There are a minimum of controls on it because it needs no more. It is exquisitely sensitive to touch; you can play lightly and cleanly, then dig in and distort it to hell, without touching the amp. This is the amp I'd have if I could have any amp.. many others say Dumble.
Check YouTube for videos. Notice how the player has his rear pickup set very low, then switches to his front pickup, balls to the wall. There is an Express, a Rocket, and a Liverpool. At very least, the output tubes are different.

Ken Fischer died, so there are a limited number of Trainwrecks available (about 100 made). Trainwreck's successors are Komet and Dr Z. I like the Komets better. They're all pretty expensive. Oddly enough, you can buy kits or assembled versions from Ceriatone for considerably less. I might be going with a kit soon.

You've Got A Nice Angina

Welcome, folks.
We're at this precarious balance between Captivity and Running Around, so we're not ruling anything out. The Venutians could land tomorrow and it would all be off, knowwhatImean?

Restaurants are allowing indoor seating! (but you have to wear a mask)
Malls are welcoming customers, but you have to wear a thong.
You can get a haircut, but you have to go naked. Know those little hairs that cause so much grief? It will not work out well.


I itch like a mf-er.
This is not normal.
After inspection, it appears I got eaten up by something of the insectual variety.
Notice Mrs lefty isn't eating me up and causing bumps.  Ok, this might not be good.



The Uber PC Crowd Follies continues, this time in even weirder ways.

1. Advertisers are pulling out of Faceyspaces. Led by a left wing hate group, the Anti Defamation League, its demands are hiring a “C-suite level executive with civil rights expertise to evaluate products and policies for discrimination, bias, and hate.” Now let's see.... a completely unrelated entity is telling huge corporations who to hire. Perfectly reasonable. Upside Down World continues, but gets weirder. I can't stand Faceyspaces, but I have to side with them... they're a private corporation - they don't need to bow to the agitators. I saw a video where people were talking about aliens, and the ADL referred to that as antisemitic.
2. Reddit, one of the ugliest and nicest places on the net just purged over 2,000 subreddits, including The_Donald. Reddit started as a free speech outlet, then started whittling away what they didn't like, claiming to retain the free speech title. I haven't seen the list of what got sent packing, but I never visited The_Donald. Why would I? If I had the keys to Reddit, I'd keep it open, in the spirit of free speech, and because I used to hold Reddit up as a bastion of free speech.
3. As it has been, the only truly free place to speak is Gab.

Speaking of Gab, their Visa payment processor dropped them, for 'hate speech.'

This is not new or surprising. What is surprising is that Andrew Torba, Gab's CEO, is blacklisted by Visa, as is his wife. Neither of them will be able to do business with Visa. It might go even further.... 

'Stop using our pain to attract black consumers'

I'm laughing... not at anyone's pain, but at the fact that almost everyone has a Black Lives Matter bit in their ads. Even Guitar Center.

Gucci owner Kering will have a new person on board, to try to reduce its environmental impact. Yes, no greater an environmental champion than Emma Watson has joined the board. Who knew playing Hermione had the built in benefit of conferring Environmental Impact Specialist upon the broom-rider.

Go ahead and laugh, but next week I start as a Good Taste Consultant with the Metropolitan Ballet.

In a tweet that was later deleted, rapper Gucci Mane (Susan Smith) called his label 'polite racist.'  He's just posturing for a date with Hermione.  See how I strung that together? Imma call myself Fender Pate.

The president says he's heard some interesting things about Roswell, but he's not sharing, even with his eldest child. What he tells his children is his choice, but I hereby demand he tell the American public, who are overdue for an explanation. I'd bet Trump knows something - he's somewhat incapable of keeping his mouth shut.

33,000 Floridians may have incorrect results from their Flying AIDS tests.

This entire pandemic is a shit show and nobody has any idea what they're doing. By design?

Joe Biden said he would make masks required in public if he were president.

He would also make half the people wear those whirligig hats, and the other half wear the ones with the arrow through them. 

As all good people must, I went to the dentist the other day.

The place looked like Fly by Night Dentistry. The voices were telling me "RUN RUN!" but it took so much to get me to a doctor in the first place, I stuck it out.

As you'd expect, I caused a ruckus when I wouldn't let them copy my license. Three members of their staff spoke to me on this Heavy Matter<tm>, finally deciding that the ugly face on the license matched the ugly face in the chair, so I was me. This came as both relief and horror to Mrs lefty: she'd prefer that I were someone else. Anyone else.

As per prophecy, the office was a regular UN, with America, China, and Ukraine in attendance, at very least. And the gay guy. The gay guy did not like me, which is just fine - I don't need acquaintances that sneer behind my back at me. The Ukrainian tech made most of my cells do a little dance. The way I saw it, there were few obstacles between us: my wife, her fiancee, and my looks. And of course there was the stereotypical black girl with the attitude and large posterior. After drawing up a lesson plan, with costs, insurance payments, and copayments, they turned me loose. The did not perform a single Dental Thing - they just let me go. They told me my copayment for the next visit, but I noticed they never told me the total - they just sent me home with the estimate. This might have had something to do with the 4 figure total for copays. I already put the vet's kids through school, I'm not doing it for the dentist too.

I noticed that nobody looked like my former dentist, Dr Mengele, so I'm hoping for better results. Either his work was subpar or I've been in there, pulling stuff out and messing around. It took all I had to get me to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to do it again. This plan is not what the environment people would call sustainable.  They might have to get a trebuchet and launch me through the front window.

RIP Carl Reiner (98) 

A funny funny man.

Captivity - Day 93 Wanna See My 8 track Collection, Baby?

I like to shake things up by releasing these in odd numerical order. That's about all I've got these days.


Happy F Day, to whom it applies.
It's Sunday - why the F are people mowing at 11am?


I looked up my local mall to see if they were open. They seem to have forgotten to update their page. I know this because it said March 3rd. They were kind enough to let us know Sears was open just fine, and Kay Jewelers had curbside service. "Oh, K? I'd like an engagement ring. Could you bring one to the curb?"

Guitar Center emailed to say it's not too late to get Dad a gift card. I should probably forward this to Wife. I feel privileged: she has an email filter specifically for me. I asked if it brought all my emails to the top and she said close; it brings all  my emails to the trash. Perhaps if I print out the email and leave it on top of the shoe store sale flyer....


Mrs lefty said all men want a threesome.
I looked at her incredulously and said, "What - and disappoint 2 women at the same time?"


I always found myself drawn to technology. If I were doing a play, I'd wind up wanting to do sound instead. Nothing has changed... I want to be the guy who wires up the wireless mics to celebrities. "Ms Vergara? I have to snake this small black wire up your shirt and clamp it to your collar for your microphone. Oops."



Mrs lefty asked me to carry a whole lotta stuff out of the back room. I said, "Excuse me? I don't carry boxes - I am a knowledge worker."

So I carried everything.




Joe Rogan is undergoing SJW canceling (whine, never watch again, expect everyone else to not watch again, contact his boss, contact his advertisers) for making a joke about female comics not being allowed onstage until they orally satisfy him.

It's a joke, you socially correct fun-vacuums. They've been around forever.
I used to be a musical comic. At a college (of course), some SJW boy came up and said we were really bashing Jews. We explained to Cindy that many of the group were Jewish and we bashed everyone equally. Keep in mind that all we did  was song parodies. Then he said we were really hard on women.

I did my level best to remain calm and listen to what he had to say. Susie looked at me and told the group I looked like I was ready to kill him. I've never been good at hiding my emotions. This was over 20 years ago and still gets my snot boiling. It was a sign of things to come. We had to stop doing colleges ($$) because the SJWs were infiltrating campuses. And just the other day, students apologized for letting the police use their bathrooms at one of their informal riots.

Where was I?  Oh, jokes.
Back in the Olde Days<tm>, we'd  listen to a comedian and find him funny or not. If funny, we'd watch. If not funny, we wouldn't watch. I hated Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Elaine Boosler, Jerry Seinfeld, and all the other whiny, neurotic alleged comedians. Did I call the venues, agents, sponsors, bus companies, parents, and keep it mentally stored in case there was ever social media? Apparently I had a life (or something) and this idea would take way too much time. In addition, I wasn't interested in taking away anybody else's enjoyment of the things I didn't like. Are you seeing any similarities to today?

Joe Rogan: after you read this, know that even though I don't watch or listen to you, I'm squarely behind you. In spirit. Because I can't do shit for you. And because you don't read this blog (although you should). And maybe if famous people read this blog, they'd steal my stuff. As if it were worth stealing. I know you're a psyop, but I promise not to tell anyone.


Make sure you read carefully, unlike me, who likes to look at the pitchers.
I saw something called a Cloud Microphone. Whenever I hear 'cloud,' I cringe. Now I'm wondering if the microphone goes to the cloud and comes back down. That would be a hell of a trick, not to mention the delay.


My BFF is a lesbian.
That makes two women I'm not sleeping with.


In fact, I know a lot of ladies, none of whom have expressed the slightest desire to sleep with me.

My wife is amused. And cruel.
One day at work, a very pretty lady walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek, in full view of a few people. She turned around and walked away. I told my wife, who said she probably lost a bet.  I told you she was cruel. Coincidentally, my BFF, the lesbian, was standing right there with me. We'd sit in the office and rate breasts going by.  Speaking of coincidences, Mrs lefty's BFF was a gay guy. THEY would sit there and rate asses. This dipshit had AIDS, pretty much cured, then took too much whatever, and died falling on his face. He was a great dude and we miss him.

Captivity -- Day 85 My Boobies Lie Over the Ocean

The humidity went into hiding today.
Nobody missed it.



In November 1963, a popular young president drove into an ambush.
Various unstolen video and pictures show the crowd running toward the grassy knoll after the shooter.

Can you imagine, heaven forbid, if that happened today?
The crowd wouldn't move because the shooting came from the crowd. Antifa would be high fiving each other, half the crowd would cheer, and the limo couldn't get to the hospital because BLM was peacefully laying in the street (reloading). All video from every angle would be on YouTube before the FBI could confiscate a single phone. The newspapers would say the fatal shot came from a killer satellite over Australia, which bounced off Russia first. In spite of YouTube's policy of not glorifying violence, they left the footage up because it was 'uplifting.'



Today's best had to be the little kid asking his mom why that lady's pocketbook said FUCK on it. Because he was looking at Mrs lefty's FUCK keychain. Mrs lefty apologized, the mom would have no apologizing, and they laughed. If the kids ever go back to school, I give him 2 days before suspension.

Speaking of which, the police appeared at the home of an 11 year old boy, in a  virtual classroom. A teacher spotted the child's bb rifle on the wall and called the police. The police asked for Mom's permission to SEARCH the house, then they turned up the bb rifle. Of course there were no charges, because there was nothing illegal. They should have charged the teacher for causing a panic. The child was terrorized.



They let me out today.
After checking with the doctors, Mrs lefty was told ok, but not for too long, and to get me home immediately if I started to look stressed. How could anybody be stressed while picking up a pizza from our favorite place?

Even though it was never a problem before, all of the sudden they required masks.
Uh oh.
Mrs lefty took one look at me and suggested we go home. NOW.
She says I tend to look more homicidal than normal when we go out.

Trying out a few new things the doctors taught me, I figured I'd get into the restaurant. With a mask.

By way of explanation, even though I'm perfectly correct, I don't have to wear a mask in the house, except when Mrs lefty's feeling kinky. So I don't feel like wearing one when occasionally permitted outside.

NO. NO. No. N. No mask.
I don't NEED a mask.
I didn't have to wear one 2 weeks ago - why now?
They're foul. They're wrong. They make my nose sweat. And they stink.

So I got a gold star from Mom, who loved the pizza. Mrs lefty said I was allowed to remain alive (at least til the evening).

The small strip mall with Lowes has NO parking left. Hundreds and hundreds of spots, all full. A large store - all empty. I'm starting to shake, moreso. Breathing deeply, I agree to go to Bob's, where they always have the stuff we're looking for.

Except this time, when Bob's is completely sold out of everything we need. Never mind, we run into someone we haven't seen in years. In the next aisle, we run into someone we haven't seen in months. I wanted to leave before we ran into Mom, who we saw a few hours earlier. All of them came from Lowes, where they couldn't park.



I did my weekly check on visiting my favorite places. Both restaurants still don't deliver to tables, although one does in 3 stores in PA, all on the other side of the state. Idiot Governor thinks the Flying AIDS leaves the state from west to east.

I'm so desperate, I want to visit Guitar Center.
I pulled up their site, where half the screen announced BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Ok, good to see another corporation spouting the required rhetoric.
Currently there is only curb service. I have absolutely no idea how you try out a guitar at the curb, but who am I to question the wisdom.
Their plan for opening was that they would keep everything clean. They won't TUNE the guitars, but they'll clean them.

The customers and staff will wear masks (a grave improvement in looks) and the staff would help the customers at an appropriate distance. YES SIR - THAT'S A STRATOCASTER. IT'S A DAMN FINE GUITAR. WHAT? YES, I HAVE 2 AT HOME. CRANK IT UP! WHAT? I CAN'T TURN THE AMP ON BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO IT.

Perhaps I'll wait.

The end of the day was picking up the medicine the doctors gave me.
We got to the pharmacy on time. But they require masks too.
Life is cruel.

Captivity - Day 73 Don't put your thing in there, Jimmy

Now it's that Windows time of year, when it can't decide whether you need the air conditioner or the heat. So dress for both. People enjoy umbrellas indoors.

So, what do you do to keep amused after violence in 140 areas?
Peet's coffee will automatically send you whatever you want monthly. (bastards won't even give me a free k-cup). Peet's French roast is all I drink, unless Mrs lefty would prefer I don't act out at social events (it doesn't usually matter).

You can't take me anywhere, so you don't.
In other news, there's very little of it.


In the spirit of justice, the dog has been raiding the treat jar. Fortunately she hasn't broken anything (yet).


Oh, I think my house is on an angle.
As I started working from home, I noticed the office chair moving. Not by itself, fortunately, but if I got up to do something, the chair had swiveled right. This caused much laughter (and pain) as I repeatedly fell on the floor (or couldn't sit). So I'm going to take a level to the roof to find out.


Thank you to all the long time and new readers. You got me above 5 views a day. It sounds very silly but it means a lot. Even if it's one of you, repeatedly loading the page.



Welcome, dear readers, to Pass the Loot - a new blog game that brings the headlines to you, long before people say it's appropriate to joke about it!

[picture Jay Leno or any other comic onstage]

So what is it with the Target stores in Philly? When they named them Target, they didn't mean literally.  [ba dump]

So what's with all the looting?
I think some of the looters could show some initiative: instead of damaging, looting, and assaulting, they could take a wagon around and call it Bricks and Sticks. They can sell bricks to the looters! That's America.

Our next part of Pass the Loot is the Blame Game; where different officials, local and national, blame each other for the problem, then the result.

President says governors aren't doing a thing, (Thanks, Trump) - he tweeted that
Governors are in hiding behind stupid orders from last month, then blaming the president. Mayors are in hiding. When they come out for Groundhog Day, they blame President, as if he personally looted entire cities (Philly). The senators of President's own party say they don't like his tone.

Since it's early, it's very difficult to blame the actual looters, but the statistics are starting to pile up: most of them are local.

It would appear you're not safe if you're a Target or shoe store. Do you think the looters' mothers were bitten by a Target when they were little?


Meanwhile, the looters, who say you can't blame all black people because there are some bad ones, say all police are bad, because there are some bad ones. Then they turn the police cars over and set them on fire.



Meanwhile, the malls have been ordered to close because of looters.
Nobody told me the malls were open. We're under Captivity. Did we not get the bulletin? Is plastic jewelry an essential business? 12 phone cover kiosks? I can see Victoria's Secret being essential. Cheesecake Factory? Guitar Center had better be open. I'd only visit - I don't loot (because they never have any left handed guitars worth looting).

Juggling Disney

We went to the mall yesterday.
That is usually enough for an entire blog entry, and this did not disappoint.

There are 2 guitar stores there, so there's something for me. And when I say something for me, I mean a place to look at backwards (right handed) guitars and note the extreme non-presence of lefties. I know that it's not economically feasible to carry a ton of lefties, but there are virtually none in most stores. And the ones that are present are starter junk.

The salespersons are sympathetic to my plight, but can't do anything. Some even note they get significant calls for lefties, but have little inventory. It's like ordering a few lefties causes physical pain for Manglement. One can go into Guitar Center and note an absolute ton of guitars there; few if any lefties. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch.

"Yes, we have a lot of guitars."
But I can't find a lefty."
"We have a ton of guitars. This is the best shop in the state."
How do you reckon this?
"We have a ton of guitars. It's a very clean shop."
Well, it's certainly clean of lefties.

Hey, I want to check out some necks on Fenders. Do you have the backwards versions?  Yes, one. A cheap one.  I see.

"But the warehouse might have one. You'll have to pay for it in full before we can order it, but you have a 45 day return option."

Ummm.. do you think I'm really that stupid? Would you buy a guitar you can't play beforehand?


Hey, Fender put out a 70s Strat. Lemme see - I know they're made left handed.
This is NOT a 70s Strat. I have a number of them and this guitar in no way resembles them. The alleged 70s Strat has a 2000s neck. What's wrong with Fender? Do they get better drugs than we do? Why do all the 50s reproductions have 2000s necks? HELLO... IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION AT FENDER?

So there was no surprise there.

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We located a Disney store. It's virtually unheard of in our neighborhood, so in we went. Disney decided a while back to stop selling shirts and accessories for adults and concentrate on kids. This ignores a huge market - adults love Disney. Mrs. lefty adores Eeyore. She has Eeyore mugs, Eeyore socks, Eeyore clothes, and even Eeyore underwear. Being a resourceful type, I even looked for bras. There are no Eeyore bras.

The employees at Disney are among the most friendly in retail. I strongly suspect they go through 'training' at the Mouse House. The training involves blinky lights and things that go around a lot... "Pay attention to the spinning wheel. You are getting very sleepy. You LOVE Disney. You REALLY love Disney. In fact, you ARE Disney. You eat, sleep, and drink Disney. Your entire life is in service to The Mouse. You will be nothing but friendly and encourage the customers to buy more overpriced stuff at all times. When you wake up, you will have no memory of our little chat.... 1... 2... 3... and now you're awake."

We were approached by no fewer than six helpful, cheerful Mouse Workers. They were so happy that my subconscious was trying to drag my body out of the store. Upon checking out, the lovely checkout lady asked if we minded carrying the stuffed Eeyore we bought.

Huh?
I helpfully suggested an actual bag. You know bags - you get them in every store in the civilized world (and New Jersey).

"Yes, we've gone green and no longer have bags," she said smugly... like she was in California and was doing something great for the planet.

Huh?
"But you can buy this cloth one for 99 cents."
Huh? (she must have thought I was 'slow')

The Smug was heavy in the store.

Anybody who has ever been in customer service (or awake while working) knows you don't take something away and not provide an alternative. An alternative that the customer isn't required to pay extra for. This is stupid, even by Disney standards. I could almost see the blinky lights and the spinning round wheel (it doesn't work on ADHD people, who can't pay attention to spinning wheels and blinky lights long enough to have any effect).

So if I understand correctly, customers are supposed to walk around the mall with huge stuffed Disney figures or ten little stuffed animals, dropping them all over the place. The other stores laugh and say 'they just came from Disney'. Maybe it's just cheap advertising for Disney. Instead of a DISNEY plastic bag, people see all the DISNEY stuff you just bought. On the floor.

Mrs. lefty loves the hell out of large bags with handles, so she said buy one. It's not the 99 cents - it's the principle (my standing on principle is a recurring theme - one that causes me no end of inconvenience. I'm a pro at shooting myself in the foot - I can hit my foot from across the mall). Naturally the bag has a humongous Disney outline on it, so there's no doubt in anyone's mind where you bought it from. And that you paid for the ($&#ing bag.

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"Are you finding everything ok?"

How many times have you heard this? We were asked this no fewer than 4 times at Victoria's Secret.  By the way, Victoria's Secret is how they get people to pay so much for so little. Like swimsuits, there is an inverse relationship: the less material in the garment, the more it costs.

NO, we're NOT finding everything ok. In fact, we're not finding ANYTHING.
We're wandering from table to table, looking at Stuff. We are playing the 'Let's find something in the store under $75' game.  We noticed Pink (brand) sweatpants for $60. I asked if we covered over the Pink, would the price tag magically lower itself to $9.99?

In a previous store, I noticed a young teenager wearing the absolute tightest shorts I've ever seen. Wife says everybody's wearing them. I'm flummoxed.. so tight that they look like they're sprayed on... to paraphrase Ren and Stimpy's Pope (voiced by Frank Zappa, RIP), "Cling tightly to my buttocks. Both of them?"

I am not my parents. These shorts look quite fine, but not on a teenager. If they weren't black, I'd swear she wasn't wearing anything. Again, this is just fine on legal age women who can wear them well, but I'd get arrested for looking at them on young girls.

Victoria's in an interesting phenomenon. Basically it teaches young girls it's ok to wear lingerie. And $50 thongs. I'm no prude and people can wear whatever they like, but this is interesting.

In happier news, TUBE TOPS ARE BACK!  They're my favorite. I always tried to get Tube Top Tuesdays instituted at work. I was all kinds of excited until Mrs lefty popped up to pop my bubble, reminding me the only people who will be wearing them are the people who shouldn't be wearing them. She's right, and not only because I have to agree. We also noticed that the largest size in anything in the store is Extra Small. So not only is Victoria's for underage girls to spend more money they don't make; it's for very skinny, petite girls. Normally this would be like Disneyland for me (girls without bags to carry them in?), but again, they're underage. I don't want to be Jethro Tull's old man sitting on the park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. But let me say something positive about the store: Mrs lefty says their bras are very good and long-lasting. So there's $99 well spent.

As if thongs weren't enough, you can now buy them flat, without lines.
Because no self-respecting woman would want anyone to know their thong has lines (when they bend over and the thong has ridden up their back). Again, the wrong people are wearing them.

"I wear thongs because it makes me sexy to the guys."
Maybe, maybe not. You'd be better served losing 100 of your 300 pounds, though... most men are incapable of mounting a Volkswagen, Hon.

And now I'm going to be called fat-phobic. Even though they're facts.
Actually, if I can get a campaign going to smear me, I'll get way more hits!

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Since I was with a woman, we stopped at the Lotion and Candle store.  The only men in the store were the ones dragged in by their spouses and the overtly gay employees. Candle stores, makeup stores, and shoe stores. I have no idea why, but it's an observation. The men dragged in by their spouses all had that faraway look, as if they were really not there; perhaps preferring to be on a rack, being tortured by Dick Cheney.

Candle stores are a license to print money. Throw some scented wax in a glass jar and you can charge $37.50 for it (on sale, naturally). If you buy 3 pumpkin spice lotions, you get 2 free (for only $24.99 each). I was incensed (get it?) because they had no rock or dirt scent. This only warmed me up for the biggest piece of genius since P.T. Barnum: the 3 wick candle. This thing is marketing and profit genius the likes of nothing ever seen before.. stay with me... Put three wicks in your normal candle. The candle now burns 3 times faster, and you can charge more money for it! Disney is jealous.

While there, a non-blinky lighted happy salesperson asked if we were looking forward to fall. WHAT? We just got used to spring/summer (we only have 2 seasons where I live - spring/summer and fall/winter). There are decent temperatures among the disgusting hot and humid ones, and it only rains 3 days a week instead of 5. No, we're not looking forward to fall. Plus the @&$(*ing leaves to rake.


So yeah, whenever I walk through a mall, I'm mentally writing this blog.

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No single topic blog rant would be complete without a rant on country music. 

There is a band called Big & Rich on tv. They are referred to as country music. Boy, country music has changed since I started avoiding it. The lead singer is black. I know many black lead singers, but this is the first time I've seen a black country lead singer (yes, I know they exist - I just don't watch country music). The drummer has a huge, metallic drum kit and a huge mohawk. There are always at least 4 guitar players in country music, but you can never hear more than one at a time. And since there are 4 guitars, there's also a lone banjo, in the back, in the corner, where all banjos belong. Fortunately the sound man 'forgot' to mic the banjo, so no one is subjected to it. Someone in the audience complained to the sound man they couldn't hear the banjo. The sound man smiled and said 'You're welcome.'

The singers alternate. The white one looks like a country version of Kid Rock, only less trashy. The joke's on the audience, as it's not possible to be more trashy than Kid Rock.

The lead guitarist must've been freshly recruited from a rock or metal act. This guy had all the riffs down to be in a pretty good rock band. I was impressed. This must be why people hate country music. I hear a lot of moaning about how new country music sucks (how does one differentiate it from the traditional country music suckage?). They want to hear ole Hank Williams and plastic-haired Conway Twitty. I swear if that hair hit the floor, it would bounce and injure at least 3 pairs of feet. So the traditionalists are against uptempo and rock-influenced country. Ironically, this stuff sells big time and there are more country fans than ever. Like Katy Perry and any form of rock and roll.

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No single topic blog rant with a country music rant attached would be complete without another random rant. 

There is wonderful news in the medical field: surgeons have pioneered an operation that gives paralyzed people some function in their hands. It's a minor miracle and I am really happy for these folks.

That's the good news.

The bad news is what I saw about it on the news: they told everyone the good news, then they showed the operation, complete with the arm opened and the blood vessels and guts and Victoria's thongs and country music visible for all to see. I was nauseated. My breakfast told me to stop eating it.

Ridgecrest, California just suffered a 7.1 earthquake.

Quick to action, the governor just signed legislation making earthquakes illegal.

A Florida man pretending to be police pulls over a real policeman. It didn't go well.

SJW Stuff

from Twitter:
Air-conditioning is unhealthy, bad, miserable, and sexist. I can’t explain how may times I’ve gotten sick over the summer b/c of overzealous AC in offices. #BanAC