Manufactured Mask Mandates Mask Mental Methane

 Your love is like  eating too much spicy Mexican food

Today is Friday the 13th!

Run around and do stuff. More importantly, harass your friends who refuse to go out on the 13th. Leave dead bats on their doorstep.

Flying AIDS News

The masks are back!

Wear them in your house!

The employers who demanded you come back are hearing you won't.

School mask battles rage on as more children fall ill, fill hospitals

Covid booster: US approves third jab for the immunocompromised (I can't wait for the 4th)

Reddit Quarantines AntiMask Antivax Subreddit  (keep that control absolute

In the first example of its kind, a virus has skipped from the IT press to humans.

It's the FUD virus. FUD is Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt, initially referring to nonsense stirred up by an entity with something to gain in the IT field. It hopped from IT press to humans in 2020. It makes so much noise that people have no idea what the truth is, and blindly follow an alleged authority. They stop thinking and don't bother to do their homework. Symptoms include mask mandates, compulsory vaccines, social distancing, schooling at home, and repeating the word "science," even if you don't know what that word means.  Also may involve repeating phrases mindlessly, like "mask up." Can also involve vaccine passports.

Recently seen is the FUD-D virus, which has already morphed from the FUD virus, causing the entire symptomatology to return again, from the top.

Today in Olympic News: one country is arguing with another country about uniform colors, a one time final winner-take-all grudge match between the trans and (sadly) not-trans athletes. The winner will make up everybody's Olympic team from here on.

• didja ever get a snake up your nose?
• me either

Today I identify as  Napoleon

That's Our President, episode 43

• Conservative radio host and vaccine critic dies of covid-19 complications
• oopsie 

An Australian brewery has been banned from promoting one of its beers, after a minor mistook it for chocolate milk.

Not related: all parents in Australia have suddenly disappeared 

• Oregon Law Allows Students To Graduate Without Proving They Can Write Or Do Math
• Oregon parents ask "..and this is different how?" 
• Oregon's graduation rate is nearly the lowest in the country, so this is to raise the rates. 

Looking at my inbox at work, it's pretty damn clean from my coworkers. Unfortunately it's absolutely gummed up from the company. While my group may publish 10 emails per week, all relevant, my company will send 50, mostly irrelevant. And then when it's done sending them out, on Friday it sends out a recap of the week's messages. No one knows why. I wonder if they get a discount for using more space.

You know, highly relevant stuff, like Martian Astronaut History Month. We're also concerned, for no understandable reason, with what other groups in the company are up to. That custodial got a new riding mower should be kept on a Need to Know basis, and I have no Need to Know. If we're changing our phone system in another office, I worked really diligently but couldn't come up with any way it could possibly affect my group. Let's also consider that most of us work remotely, so any phone system news wouldn't be Need to Know. Likely anything about sexual harassment. Not only can't we harass anyone if we're not in the office, I already know all about sexual harassment. It has been mentioned that I should run the courses (but not as a HOW TO).

And there's still that one guy in my group. The guy who's quite a bit more experienced (smarter) than me, who still pronounces 'malware' as 'mallware.' I've never heard of mallware, but I'll bet my wife has.

After forcing my group to read this blog, plus a series of meetings where we point it out and laugh at people, we have the oral noises down to just teeth-sucking. This is a great improvement in meetings over grunting, coughing, whistling, teeth-sucking, pencil tapping on teeth, and belching.

But I like these people. Ok, going out for a beer after work would cost $16,372 in plane fare, but they're good people. Yes, some of them have questionable hobbies that involve livestock, but they're all really nice to each other. As you'd expect, the women are more gross than the men, but we take care of each other.

I just came out of a meeting. A meeting where I work is the sound of one man talking. No matter if it includes 5 or 50 people, only the moderator speaks. It's company culture. Unless there's a wiseass comment to be made, then 2 people will speak up. Today's meeting involved something we work with daily and how to streamline it, so you'd think we all have a vested interest in things working faster. Nope - not a peep. Except for me. I can't decide if my group hates the sound of my voice or is glad I ask questions so they don't have to disturb their vocal cords. If I can get an hour or two cut out of the week, that's kinda important. But no... nobody says a word. I am convinced that if my boss asked how many people want the rest of the week off, there would be silence. I told him the loneliest man in the company is the man leading a meeting. He agreed.

• A woman in Sydney, Australia, is under investigation for pretending to be a doctor. For eight months. The only reason she was discovered is that her ratings were so good and she saw so many patients, that the real doctors were complaining.

SEVENTY THREE year old Stevie Nicks canceled her remaining performances to 'keep healthy'

Her original face was gorgeous, as is her second(?) one.

Limp Bizkit is also cancelling the remaining dates on their tour due to the Flying AIDS.

Music fans all over the world rejoice.

• The Senate approved an amendment proposed by Cuban-American Senator Marco Rubio to provide free internet to Cuba
• WTF? 

As if this blog isn't random enough.....

If you are in a committed relationship, and we're not talking about your goldfish, have some sex.

It would seem a tremendous idea in general, wouldn't it?

What you might be missing (get ready for it) is that sex isn't just the best thing in the world. It's also a means of staying close to your significant other. It's communication. It's releasing all sorts of wonderful 1chemicals into your system, like oxytocin (the love stuff). Sex and touch are actually essential to every relationship: if you're not doing one or the other or both, you're probably drifting apart and not reconfirming your feelings for your significant other. Some people go through their lives not knowing this. It's a big hit with relationship counselors. You will look at your SO differently the next day.

Now RUN over to your SO and show this to them:

"HI HONEY... we're supposed to have sex. It says right here in this very silly blog, so it must be true. Get nekkid and let's non-verbally show our love for each other. Someone told me it means twice as much love if we do Butt Stuff...."

Fun Body Facts

• there are over 60 sphincters in the human body
• there are a ton of nerve cells in the butt - the better to feel you, My Pretty
• there are a ton of nerve cells in the kidney - so kidney stones can hurt so bad you want to die
• a man's penis can also be used for peeing    -monty python

My friend's dog is terrified of thunder and tries to hide.

My dog barks at it.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, my cable service is down. 

If the cable company can tell me it's down, when it went down, and when it's going to be up, it sounds less unforeseen than the English as a Second Language gentleman in customer service told me. I am not demeaning this person, but his accent sounded like a mixture of Indian and tv westerns.

Earlier, I had gone to their website to check on service. I went to Search and put in Outage Map. For the life of it, it couldn't locate Outage Map. Mind you, on the next page, it told me if I signed in, I could view the outage map. Mind you, if internet is broken, I can't check anyway. I have to use my phone. I don't think it should be a national secret that there is an outage in the area. On the phone, they wanted my phone number. I gave it to them and they told me there's no account with that phone number attached to it. Funny, I pay the bill monthly, so there must be a phone number attached to it. I can't exactly give them my account number, because it has 47 digits, 3 spaces, a couple of Q's, and something that looks like emojis, but this is a 100% emoji-free house.   They wanted to know if it was for a wifi password or email issue. IT'S FOR THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL LACK OF SERVICE, but there was apparently no option for that. Sometimes if you scream, curse, or hit zero, you can get to a human.

The gentleman politely informed me it would be operational by 2am, which is a shame, as it's 11pm and it would be a good idea to sleep at some point. While my team and boss have no way of telling if I'm asleep at the keyboard, I'd feel bad about it. I'd also feel bad about waking up with the imprint of a keyboard on my face. If I think about it, almost anything would be an improvement, or so my family and everyone I went to school with told me. The kind fellow offered to text me when it comes back up. I can tell the future sometimes, and I can tell that a text at 2am will not be welcome by Wife, me, or the dog, who will probably bark at it.

You realize what this means, right?

I am so far behind on my pr0n that there's no catching up.

No sleeping with my step-sister, various MILFs, clown pron, in a taxi, butt specials, or just my regular old hamster pr0n. If my boss notices I'm off tomorrow, how do I explain this? I think he's very religious, which I'm going to go ahead and assume means he's not big on pr0n. So it's down to pr0n or sleep, either of which will affect my ability to do my job tomorrow.

My workplace is so rough

HOW ROUGH IS IT?

Because of an alleged sexual assault, Alibaba is offering its 250,000 employees self-defense training.

More Fun Than a Miami Beach Weekend

 Your love is like  mennistration

• Miami Beach is on high alert as another spring break weekend starts...
• Officials are flummoxed - they didn't expect another weekend 7 days after the last one 

How does an 18 year old rack up 43 tickets? 148mph on a chase through NY, in his Infiniti. Social media helped identify him. The NY League of Luxury Cars will be picking up his tab. They can't believe that an 18 year old already shows the utter assholiness of drivers over twice his age.

• I don't know about you, but I'm vibrating, with the thought that there will soon be no more masks required. Then I can get back to guitar shopping, and complaining there's nothing there for me.

Sesame Street adds new muppets to teach race.

Dad, we have 2 new kids on the block - Luther and DeShawn. They're black.

How come DeShawn's dad sits home all day and Luther's dad works?

First of all, son, we're all the same. Understand that. Black people have a substance called melanin in their skin, which makes it black.

But Dad - if DeShawn's dad doesn't work, how do they always have the big TVs and new video games? Their car is nicer than ours.

Well, Son, it's like this..... go ask your mother.

"Cinderella" production canceled over concerns the cast is too white.

Especially Cinderella. Where do they get off making her white? Even though they're her sisters, why can't they be black? The pumpkin, when it turned into a limousine, had no shag carpeting or large chrome appointments. It didn't even have a musical horn. The footmen were white, which is good. There wasn't a single purple velvet hat with a feather sticking out of it either.

Chanhassen Dinner Theaters in Minnesota has decided to scrap the project and go with Footloose in 2022. They will need to wait that long to find a black Jewish lesbian that looks like Kevin Bacon. The Bacon character will discover that the school won't let her play her Biggie and Tupac jams. The entire school will learn to scream "That's Racist" and everything will be ok.

The initial idea was to cast a long-haired guy who wasn't allowed to play his Nordic Death Metal, but that was also deemed too white. Let's face it - they're right... how many black Nordic death metal fans are there?

A Boston high school's football coach was fired because his team used anti-semitic language on the field. Naturally, the Anti Defamation League is involved. The school itself is calling foul because there are no Jewish players in football or in the stands, so they wonder why there is any objection. The Anti Defamation League just knows...

• This will be absolutely shocking, but I'm having an issue with the work iDevice. I can't get it to ring. It blinks nicely, though. It's not a huge issue, as all I ever get is spam calls. Fortunately it dials, or at least it did 2 years ago, when I made my last call. My skin burns when I pick it up, so I avoid it. It's like when I go to the mall and there's an iStore- I have to stand far away from it or I start to sizzle. 

The Department of Homeland Security was put into place after 9-11 to spy monitor terrorist communications. Now they want to spy on monitor domestic terrorism. Scope creep in spying. Government overreach. Shock and surprise. And of course they'd never spy on innocent Americans, like the NSA.

• Something huge and invisible is making nearby stars vanish, scientists propose
• Rob Reiner unavailable for comment 

Bill Gates says world should be 'back to normal' by end 2022.

Biill Gates - amateur virologist, professional rich person, philanthropist, and man to be tried by the World Court for crimes against humanity (Windows).

• a gene defect may make rabbits do handstands instead of hop
• after a liquid Friday lunch, scientists tried implanting the defect in giraffes

The Suez Canal remains blocked by the ship whose captain invested too heavily in mushrooms. 706 cubic feet of sand needs to be removed to get the ship through. The ship is doing its best to get out, but the real problem is the other ships rubbernecking.

Seniors who got vaccinated and are going back out into the world are freaking out their children, who want to control them to keep them safe...

Dad, I told you no going outside til you had your vaccine!

But sonnnnn.. I got both shots.

Dad, you will stay inside. It's for your own good.

But whyyyyyyyyy?

We don't really know how safe anyone is after the shots.

But Son, the vaccine companies just got around to telling us we're safe.

FINE. But I want you to wear a mask!

I don't WANT to wear a mask.

Dad, how many times have I told you to be safe?

But I got the shots....

And stay close to home. 

But I had a date in the next county over.

NO.

I hate you, Son. You ruin EVERYTHING.

Relationships

When they first got together, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Wanna?"

Many years later, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Coffee?"

Are you an uneducated coward, threatening Asian-Americans by spraypainting their businesses or using social media? Be careful - they're hiring security and buying guns. Better yet, go ahead...

• Amazon denies workers pee in bottles
• "You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you?"
• Once caught, Amazon said that's it's not what it looks like: it's not because employees can't go to the bathroom - it's for drug testing.
• Oh.

The latest from Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), off his upcoming solo album

Hollywood 151

No doubting who it is with your eyes closed

Notable is drummer Matt Sorum, formerly of Guns N Roses

Sparky Lowenstein Eats Ants

Your love is like a birthday cake on fire

• Police departments across the nation are experiencing retirements and great difficulty recruiting.  Why wouldn't recruits be standing in line? 

Dear lefty 

• Somebody suggested we go to a club and hear a dj set. What is that?
• the result of someone being too cheap to hire a band 

RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her wish was that she not be replaced until the next administration. If Trump gets re-elected, she'll spin in her grave. Meanwhile, Trump says Ginsburg's wish was written by Schiff, Schumer, and Pelosi. Fire them all.

• I know you're wondering what's in wildfire smoke. Find out.
• Let's think really good Thermionic Thoughts for the people stuck there. Take a minute, please. Every thought counts. It's a mess out there.

Hey, if the Flying AIDS has hurt your financial prospects, re-invent yourself. This is the 20s - be creative - fill a need. The nation needs people to create Video Spaces. These are the clean, clear, well-lit spaces people need when they have video conferences with others. They make other people think they live in a clean, clear, well-lit space; while the truth is there's a crew from Hoarders on their way out. Think about it....

Fortunately I don't have to video conference. If my boss ever asks, I tell him the entire area is full of things people would find offensive, and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. He knows me well, so I don't have to video conference.

And speaking of the Flying AIDS, all the 'experts' have decided to get together to make this a happier, healthier, and more intelligent world. The World Health Organization/UN says the Flying AIDS could spread through airborne particles that can remain suspended in the air and travel beyond six feet. The CDC has previously said the virus mainly spreads from person to person through respiratory droplets when a sick person coughs, sneezes or talks. Except for a statement 'posted in error' that said ... something or other.... forgot about airborne transfer... virus spreads through air, travels beyond 6 feet.... Monday is a bad day to change things, especially if people are watching.

Got that?


We know I don't get out much, but when I do, I see everyone walking around with masks inside and it bothers me to the depths of my soul. Not that they're wearing masks-I am too. Just that we're where we are. Usually this kind of reaction means something...



Kinky

Tinder date chopped into 11 pieces after being stabbed to death during sex.



All passengers on Epstein's flight logs to be named 'sparking panic among rich pals'. The Attorney General for the US Virgin Islands is demanding them. Las Vegas oddsmakers expect the Attorney General to 'commit suicide' on the day of delivery.

In other news, China is making all sorts of claims, including an attack on a US base, showing clips from Hollywood action movies. Most countries agree it's bad form to bomb China, but we have a secret weapon: the Motion Picture Association of America. As soon as it finds out China is violating copyrights, it will immediately issue a stack of injunctions, then sue China into non-existence. Let the lawyers do what the stealth bombers can't.

Relationships have many stages, especially long-term relationships. I'm still trying to figure out which stage we're in. Last week she looks at me and says, "You look gray." Alrighty then... it's probably not my age, so...

Last night she looked at me and said, "It looks like somebody punched you in the eye." Show me the person who says romance is dead... and I'll beat them over the head with a baseball bat.

• It was so cold outside the other night, my nipples were chattering

DOJ Designates New York City as an “Anarchist Jurisdiction”
We're not quite at Peak Weird, but we're getting there.

• The grocery store has Chocolate Frosted Flakes again!
• The plastic inside is tougher (I ate through the box).

RANT

We have had occasion to rent cars over the past few years. Every one of them has sucked, especially the most recent, a Toyota Corolla, apparently considered midsize. It's small, plastic, and gives no confidence in its ability to continue being a car. Some of my rant comes from growing up with Real Cars<tm>, which normal people call Land Yachts. All of the sudden, cars got horribly small, because of gas prices. However, no one at all made a large car - large was still pretty damn small. The SUVs are large-ish, but carry less than the old station wagons. If these gas-hogging vehicles are so damn popular, why not a large car still? It's funny to note our ancient Hyundai, our first small car (which everyone still says is large) is far superior to any rental we've had. They keep getting smaller, using more plastic, and riding like crap. All we really want is a large car with great ride. Mrs lefty has all sorts of back problems, so comfort is important. The final word on the Toyota is 'it rides like shit' and 'even the steering wheel is too small.'

The reissue of the super sportsters, like the Camaro and Challenger, proves there's a market for large cars. They don't even have to make them muscle cars. Nostalgia is something on which to capitalize - the guitar market is full of it.

/END RANT

Births

Bobby Tench - Jeff Beck Group
Don Felder - Eagles
Faith Hill - [sigh]
Nuno Bettencourt - Extreme
Mama Cass Elliot - a Mama with the Papas (Ellen Naomi Cohen)
Lita Ford - 62!!! metal momma


Exits

Jaco Pastorius - Weather Report, simply the best
Boz Burrell - Bad Company
Leonard Skinner - high school gym teacher, inspiration for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Slim Dusty, Skeeter Davis - go ahead and guess what kind of music they played

SJW Sniveling

JK Rowling banned from bookshelves to create a ‘safe space for the trans community’  Book burnings! Harry Potter Dons Dior!

Church's woke advert featuring a bearded Jesus with women's breasts and make-up sparks outrage


Twitter investigates racial bias in image previews

  also font color and size 

But Wait - If You Buy Now, We Won't Ship You Anything

Wildfires are leaving small towns almost destroyed in California and Washington. BLM claims they're 'peaceful' wildfires.


Your love is like  bathing a cat



Dear Hollywood:
I know none of you have an original idea, so why not a biography of Tiny Tim? It has everything: OCD, being born again, Howard Stern, left handed ukuleles, peeing in a bottle, marriage on the Tonight Show, and a singing voice that could shatter metal, but still isn't as bad as turning on the radio. The story writes itself, but who will play Tiny? Johnny Depp! That's going to take some serious makeup.



Dear lefty

• What can you tell me about this flashlight I bought?
• it runs on batteries or brain power. You'll need batteries.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues: subscriptions to Election Hacking magazine have quadrupled.



Vivaldi, a newer browser based on Opera, is introducing a feature that will blank the browser to remind you to take a break.  Umm... Vivaldi... if we wanted to take a break, we'd take one. We use browsers because we need to browse... you know.. important sites.. hamster pr0n and the like. If we need to take a break, our tired, sore wrists and eyes will let us know, thank you.



They turned him loose. Yes, for the 2nd time this year, lefty has been allowed to leave the house. This was a particularly auspicious occasion because he was going to put his money where his mouth was, or at very least, his mouth where his money was... or... his money where the restaurant was.

We haven't been to one of our regular restaurants since at least February. They have an open dining room, so we were off. I was happy because you don't have to wear a mask. It would make eating a lot more interesting if you did. Mrs lefty insisted I needed a mask to walk in the door and looked at me like God was going to strike us dead because I disagreed. She has a t-shirt that says "I survived Catholic school."

The menu, normally a 47 page, multicolor book with video, was down to a 2 sided placemat. They type was so small I had to ask her to hold it up in the light, across the table, so I had a chance at decoding it. Drat and tarnation - I left my spyglass and telescope set at home again. Everything went smoothly, as it always does. Even the other guests were fine.

Since the restaurant was in close proximity to a mall that I kind of grew up in, we paid it a visit. Or rather, paid one store a visit. We go to malls and if there is a certain anchor store, Mrs lefty becomes anchored inside it. We have gone a number of times and never made it into the mall. They frequently have to 'gently remind' her that they're closing (about an hour ago). She was very nice to me and only spent a few hours there, making sure we could go into the actual mall. I'm still a little on edge, trying to figure out why she's so nice to me.

The first time I caught my reflection, I got a little weak and almost insisted we leave. Most people are uncomfortable with my reflection, but that's ok. I think the enormity of it all finally hit me.

I got to lookin' around, as this was my first time after the onset of the Flying AIDS. Granted, the crowd was quite thin, but everybody had their masks and I heard not a peep about anyone not wearing one. A lot of people agreed that there's no point in wearing a mask. I could tell because half of them didn't have their nose covered, with their mask ON. Everyone was suspiciously well-behaved. When was the last time you saw that? Social distancing wasn't a concern, except on the signs. If you went near shoes, the sign said to ask an employee or wear gloves. I like that - neither associates nor gloves were available, which made everything feel like normal.

The mall is particularly weird, in that 2 anchor stores closed (years ago) and the rest of the occupants are a few national chains and weird stores, some really low rent. Even that would have been normal, except a ton of the stores were gone, perhaps a third or more. I was stunned and sad. In conjunction with the owners of the closed stores, I would like to thank Idiot Governor for grabbing the power and keeping the state 'safe', even though we don't know what safe IS to this day. People lost their businesses and jobs because of this politician. It happened all over the country. There's a special place in hell for politicians, whoever let the Flying AIDS loose, and the people up the chain, who are seeing how well we do what we're told. I am sad for all of us.  Stay safe.

---------------------------------------------------

Imagine it's 2001.
Imagine seeing pictures of your familiar local mall in the year 2020. Everything looks normal except everybody has some sort of face covering. You're looking at the pictures, trying to figure out why... gas attack? Viral agent? Perfume bomb? Have we choked ourselves with pollution, like China? Have the wildfires in California spread across the country to the other coast? What could possibly have happened in 20 years? Do we want a future in which people have to wear masks outside?

---------------------------------------------------

• I'm hearing all sorts of odd noises from my stomach. I think my body is revolting. 
• Many others have told me this. How did they know, so far in advance? 

A lot has changed (no really?). First, people had to work from home. Now children have to school from home. This produces many unforeseen consequences...

Children now have a home classroom, making it extremely difficult to be disruptive or Class Clown. 'That kid', who sits in the back and eats paste, will miss out on the opportunity to be laughed at and bullied, because no one else in 'class' will see him. Right off the bat, the entire social structure of school has been disrupted. Other children will also miss out on learning how to point and laugh; usually the ones who pick on the very tall and short people in line, because the kids can't line up. Kids also can't make fun of other kids who don't have purple hair or who dress like heterosexuals or may be smart (nobody likes a smart student who knows all the answers). Everybody is going to be quiet during question time in hopes that Johnny will raise his hand. Johnny's father has a horrible temper, so whenever he answers, there's an unending stream of cursing in the background. The class listens intently to pick up some new phrases they can use on their parents. Susie's parents communicate exclusively by fighting, so they're also very interesting. This is a learning experience for future relationships. For the safety of the children, Susie's mic is muted if her parents' start to communicate with furniture or sharp objects. Little Barbie, formerly Bobby, loses the boost in self-esteem she'd get with the other students complimenting her on her transition and developing fashion sense.  There will be no way for the entire class to pick on a single student, which is a hallmark of any class at any school. This is the kind of rich student experience the kids will be missing out on. Nobody can pass obscene notes, because the teacher can't catch you doing it in email, where you also discuss the answer to #3 on the test. Of course you only have the class window open - you'd never use a browser to cheat - you're insulted by the accusation. You can't say 'your mother' because now everyone sees her pass the camera.

Working from home presents its own challenges. They start with garbage trucks, lawnmowers, ice cream trucks (with constant notice from students), and spousal input. Dogs are a handy disruption, because of barking, then people asking to hold the dog to the camera so everyone can see him. This can also be followed by the screaming after the dog bites because he doesn't want to be held up OR the person breaking their back, trying to lift 150lbs of labrador.

The screaming, laughing, and abject horror that comes from forgetting to MUTE the mic can come from either side. Everybody needs to remember to mute their mic when making fun of the teacher or boss. This is a lesson you don't want to learn the hard way.

• Remember thousands of people receiving packets of seeds in the mail (from China), with no idea why they got them? Hundreds have planted them.
• If the package had WARNING: ANTHRAX SEEDS in big red letters, hundreds would still have planted them. This is why our country is in the shape it's in.

You're going to be shocked, but Amazon is pricing their spy devices Alexas so apartment complexes will install them before you move in. After that, you will be required, by Amazon, to get the devices implanted in your anus, with all of your credit history. In spite of how horrifying this is, when Amazon wants something, you can show them your ass. I do already.

A Wisconsin priest who condemned Catholic Democrats has the support of a Texas bishop.

Father James Altman, pastor of St. James the Less Catholic Church, lashed out at Father James Martin, who participated in the Democratic National Convention. In a 10-minute video posted to YouTube, Altman called the priest a “hyper, confusing spreading heretic” and had harsh words toward Democrats.

He stomped his foot and ran out to his next appointment, at an all boys school.

Speaking of prayers, ours have been answered: the Kardashian show is off the air after 20 seasons. Our spiritual joy must be tempered by vigilance: you never know what they're doing next. They don't do well out of the limelight.
Suicide centers in Los Angeles are on alert and ask that the Great Unwashed do not have any emergencies during this trying time. Kaitlyn is so upset, some reports say she's changing back to Bruce. Hopefully she'll donate all her fabulous clothes to charity. The girls are reportedly so shicked, they're cheating with white guys. The mother is holed up in her mansion, too depressed to go for a facelift or, heaven forbid, shopping. The stores along Rodeo Drive are even offering to pick them up. It's a bad time in California, further proving the trickle down theory of economics. People of the world are begging Governor Newsom to pass a law, allowing the Kardashians tv shows in perpetuity.

The only way this could get any better is if I could make a living doing it.

White supremacy 'most lethal threat' to USA, 'Homeland' says...
Nope. That honor goes to our government.

SJW Stalls  

Italian designer Stella Jean says more needs to be done to tackle racism in the fashion industry.  

She's way off. We need to address the sexism in fashion. Go into any clothing store. 90% of floor space is dedicated to women. The men's section is over there, in a corner, next to the snow shovels.

Covid-19 is already the third-leading cause of death for African Americans this year. Why?        The virus is obviously racist.

But Wait!! The virus is also sexist, worsening gender inequality in the workforce. Hardest hit were childless married women. Parentism!!!!

Calls to boycott Mulan rise after Disney release

Something something... boycott... something something... Hong Kong police... something something... transgendered  

Why we're using 'womxn'

No, that's not a typo: 'womxn' is a spelling of 'women' that's more inclusive and progressive. The term sheds light on the prejudice, discrimination, and institutional barriers womxn have faced, and explicitly includes non-cisgender women.

STFX

ThermionicEmissions - the (un)official blog of the illuminati 
we're not proud - we'll take it any way we can get it

That's Some Awesome Plague You Have There

I got in trouble the other day for not taking the trash out. Of course I took the trash out - we have so much of it, I have to spend an entire evening doing it. With a backhoe. Apparently there was a small stack of empty shoe boxes still sitting there. Ok, I'm not too proud to admit I didn't take all the trash out, but you need to consider my position, before you pronounce me guilty and force me to watch the Oprah Winfrey Netowork or LMN - the Ladies' Menstrual Network for a week. This house has more shoes than 76% of the shoe stores on the planet, thus more shoe boxes too. So I don't always know what to do with shoes or shoe boxes. I dare not even touch them to see if there are any shoes in them. The best method of self-preservation is to LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE. Let's look at it this way: if I had a stack of guitar boxes, would she throw them out? We have more left handed guitars than 99.43% of guitar stores on the planet (that ain't hard). She knows better than to throw guitar-related things out. Unfortunately, being the man, I'm wrong regardless of explanation, so I might as well take my antidepressants and turn on the tv.


Your love is like giving birth without drugs

• According to the alleged local news, there is bullying in schools over Flying AIDS masks. Nike must've come up with $300 masks. 
• You have to give it to the bullies - they're able to adapt their techniques to new circumstances. This kind of flexibility will serve them well in business.

My mom suffers from senile dementia. We're thinking of running her for president. She means what she says, even if she forgets some of the words. She doesn't like to fondle children, so she's already more qualified than Joe Biden.

• I remember the old days, when you could unlock your passenger door by itself, with a key.

The doctors tell me it's ok to not say things.
This comes as a radically new concept, after being born with no filters.
They say I'll get along much better with Mrs lefty, as well as the rest of humanity, if I use the tiniest bit of restraint (really?) and not say the first thing that comes to mind. This is heresy. Howard Stern didn't get where he is today by stifling his thoughts - why should I? The docs imply that sometimes I can just say nothing. What a boring life they must lead... I'll die from pressure buildup if I can't say things.

When Wife says The Untouchables is her favorite tv show, instead of saying it's perfect for keeping people depressed and asleep, or mentioning the stats on dying of boredom, I can nod my head, or simply not reply. Not reply! Imagine that.  It's very important the rest of the world knows what I have to say. I must address the masses.

When people talk about Faceyspaces or iDevices, laughing, calling them idiots or iHoles, or asking them if everybody jumped off a bridge, would they jump off a bridge too is not necessary! How will they know if I don't tell them?

When I refer to people busy watching America's Got No Talent as The Great Unwashed and the reason we're going to hell, I would be better off not saying anything, or not telling them to read something other than TV Guide or playing with themselves would be more educational. My input is essential here.

Furthermore, I should not call people ugly and stupid, because they probably just walked into the room. It happens a lot, like the time I was singing "It's Raining Men" and the gay guy walked into the room. I can't help this. I didn't call him in. He wasn't expected. The looks on my coworkers' faces were priceless, especially my boss'. I do it for them. My boss said out of every person he managed, I frightened him the most. Who would I be if I couldn't give this to my people?

I also learned I shouldn't tell the docs "I'm not closed minded just because your music sucks" or "Because I'm always right." Their senses of humor are bred out of them in the process of earning their doctorates.

So I've got another week free to blog and troll the interwebs.



Dear lefty

• In the show House, Dr. House is addicted to Vicodin. Are all doctors addicted to drugs? 
• Of course they are. All doctors, especially psych doctors, subconsciously get into the field to heal themselves. Some of them truly stand out as Healers, like Dr. House. The healers are the worst. So if you are privileged enough to see a doctor who's a Healer, he's probably doing a few things he shouldn't. You should probably avoid the psych doctors, cuz they're really screwed up and you might catch something. 

Speaking of The Untouchables, (and why should we?).. let me save you the trouble of actually having to watch. It is a story about federal officers during Prohibition, when we weren't allowed to drink (or racketeer, or randomly shoot people). Lots of men, dressed in dark suits and wearing fedoras, spent most of their time in humongous old cars with running boards, driving by places and shooting them up with automatic weapons. Except for the running boards, very little has changed. We also learned there were no black people in the 20s.

• If I haven't said this lately, ThermionicEmissions has been going since April 2011, making it 9,17453398 years old. This completely validates my critics' cries that I have way too much to say.
• It also validates my coworkers' cries that I won't shut up
• And my wife's cries that I'm always right. Or at least I think I am.
• They're all correct. But I'm proud of few things in life, and I think it's pretty cool that I've kept this boat afloat for that long, with only original material.
• I appreciate you coming by, hope you're entertained, and ask you to ask your friends, or enemies, to stop by too.

TV has also taught me that people used to put on suits and ties to eat.

I couldn't afford the laundry bills from spilling food on myself.

• let's face it: a white dress could easily be called 'ketchup catcher'

According to NASA, a truck-sized asteroid is heading toward Earth on the day before elections. Biden/Harris blame Trump, claim racism, vow election will take place on time.


Guess the theme.
This plane flies itself.
Are we ready for driverless trucks?
    Bonus points: it can read license plates, so it can....


Speaking of koalas, the FAA is going to test detection and mitigation systems for drones at a few airports. Mi-ti-ga-tion: the reduction of something harmful or the reduction of its harmful effects. This should be interesting...


Trump declared the California wildfires a major disaster. Nancy Pelosi said the wildfires were another tactic by Trump to postpone the election.



Let's Dance!  Let's Vote!

So the election is coming up, raising all sorts of questions about the Flying AIDS. Children are being kept home from school and others are going to school. Restaurants can seat people indoors, with distancing. Theaters can open, with distancing. Some cities mandate a mask while outside. The Post Office is a mess, but that's not anything new.

As we maintain, they have no clue, thus we have no clue. Many procedures contradict each other. If 6' is ok, will 7' keep you free of risk? Masks are to prevent the wearer from transmitting sickness, not to protect the other wearers. Thus I can go mask-free, because I'm Flying AIDS-free. If the mask prevents the wearer from spreading germs, why do we socially distance? If socially distancing works, why wear masks? Then there's temperature taking, which is fine to detect current infection, but no good to detect asymptomatic carriers or incubation periods.

So let's make our own decisions and head out to the polls. Lines at the polls are pretty packed together and long, inside a firehouse/library/whatever. Not taking some kind of precautions would probably be pretty stupid, especially given the results of Flying AIDS parties, where the kids don't take precautions. So the lines will go on forever, with 6' between voters (inside), and unhappy voters who have to wear masks. Then the Susie Snitches, who whine loudly if you don't have a mask or aren't distancing.

The elderly are encouraged to use absentee ballots.
This is made easy for them by trying to find an absentee ballot request form, mailing it to an address not listed on the form, waiting for the ballot by mail, then filling it out and mailing it in, hoping the USPS isn't out back, smoking a doobie. Then fighting off the Russians, who are trying to interfere with the elections by blocking the mailboxes.

I think I might go absentee ballot, as early as possible. Maybe tomorrow.

SO how are you going to register your vote?



The new landline phone arrived recently. It is largely like the old landline phone, except less grungy and will hold a charge (hopefully). We require 2 handsets so we can find at least 1 when it rings. Better stated, we will always have 2 handsets that need to be charged. The new set has a block feature that really gets my nipples atwitter. It will also speak the name of the caller. This is pretty cool also, except for the fact that in order to speak, one must first be able to read. This is where the phone fails. We can definitely hear it announce a caller, but we're damned if we understand what it said (do not tell me it's from the deep south - that's not nice). I noticed the dish rack ringing recently. This is not common in our house, but I've learned to expect anything. Someone hid the 2nd handset and charger behind the dish rack, ensuring it will always be charged and never be found. It made its announcement and, as usual, I figured we had the voice set to Swahili. You have to go to the phone and read the Caller ID to understand what the announcement said. This is less a feature than an annoyance, like taking out a hot date, with your mom in the backseat of the car. The answer to this quandary is my answer to all phone quandaries: don't answer it. It's never for me and I don't want to talk to anybody calling.

Also remember the golden rule: just because it rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.



SJWs STILL

Another shooting of a black man sparked another peaceful protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Vehicles were set on fire, there were reports of armed robberies and shots fired, all peacefully. Meanwhile, the cheeseheads were delighted to finally be put on the map with their own negative press. The mayor has declared that all peaceful protests in Kenosha be held with cheese hats and masks. There was no social distancing at the protest, and very few masks, so the police broke everything up by 8pm.


The existence of police is brutality. No bad protesters, no good cops.
-Richmond, VA, protest flyer


BLM street painting to become permanent along Hollywood's Walk of Fame

no.

You've Got A Nice Angina

Welcome, folks.
We're at this precarious balance between Captivity and Running Around, so we're not ruling anything out. The Venutians could land tomorrow and it would all be off, knowwhatImean?

Restaurants are allowing indoor seating! (but you have to wear a mask)
Malls are welcoming customers, but you have to wear a thong.
You can get a haircut, but you have to go naked. Know those little hairs that cause so much grief? It will not work out well.


I itch like a mf-er.
This is not normal.
After inspection, it appears I got eaten up by something of the insectual variety.
Notice Mrs lefty isn't eating me up and causing bumps.  Ok, this might not be good.



The Uber PC Crowd Follies continues, this time in even weirder ways.

1. Advertisers are pulling out of Faceyspaces. Led by a left wing hate group, the Anti Defamation League, its demands are hiring a “C-suite level executive with civil rights expertise to evaluate products and policies for discrimination, bias, and hate.” Now let's see.... a completely unrelated entity is telling huge corporations who to hire. Perfectly reasonable. Upside Down World continues, but gets weirder. I can't stand Faceyspaces, but I have to side with them... they're a private corporation - they don't need to bow to the agitators. I saw a video where people were talking about aliens, and the ADL referred to that as antisemitic.
2. Reddit, one of the ugliest and nicest places on the net just purged over 2,000 subreddits, including The_Donald. Reddit started as a free speech outlet, then started whittling away what they didn't like, claiming to retain the free speech title. I haven't seen the list of what got sent packing, but I never visited The_Donald. Why would I? If I had the keys to Reddit, I'd keep it open, in the spirit of free speech, and because I used to hold Reddit up as a bastion of free speech.
3. As it has been, the only truly free place to speak is Gab.

Speaking of Gab, their Visa payment processor dropped them, for 'hate speech.'

This is not new or surprising. What is surprising is that Andrew Torba, Gab's CEO, is blacklisted by Visa, as is his wife. Neither of them will be able to do business with Visa. It might go even further.... 

'Stop using our pain to attract black consumers'

I'm laughing... not at anyone's pain, but at the fact that almost everyone has a Black Lives Matter bit in their ads. Even Guitar Center.

Gucci owner Kering will have a new person on board, to try to reduce its environmental impact. Yes, no greater an environmental champion than Emma Watson has joined the board. Who knew playing Hermione had the built in benefit of conferring Environmental Impact Specialist upon the broom-rider.

Go ahead and laugh, but next week I start as a Good Taste Consultant with the Metropolitan Ballet.

In a tweet that was later deleted, rapper Gucci Mane (Susan Smith) called his label 'polite racist.'  He's just posturing for a date with Hermione.  See how I strung that together? Imma call myself Fender Pate.

The president says he's heard some interesting things about Roswell, but he's not sharing, even with his eldest child. What he tells his children is his choice, but I hereby demand he tell the American public, who are overdue for an explanation. I'd bet Trump knows something - he's somewhat incapable of keeping his mouth shut.

33,000 Floridians may have incorrect results from their Flying AIDS tests.

This entire pandemic is a shit show and nobody has any idea what they're doing. By design?

Joe Biden said he would make masks required in public if he were president.

He would also make half the people wear those whirligig hats, and the other half wear the ones with the arrow through them. 

As all good people must, I went to the dentist the other day.

The place looked like Fly by Night Dentistry. The voices were telling me "RUN RUN!" but it took so much to get me to a doctor in the first place, I stuck it out.

As you'd expect, I caused a ruckus when I wouldn't let them copy my license. Three members of their staff spoke to me on this Heavy Matter<tm>, finally deciding that the ugly face on the license matched the ugly face in the chair, so I was me. This came as both relief and horror to Mrs lefty: she'd prefer that I were someone else. Anyone else.

As per prophecy, the office was a regular UN, with America, China, and Ukraine in attendance, at very least. And the gay guy. The gay guy did not like me, which is just fine - I don't need acquaintances that sneer behind my back at me. The Ukrainian tech made most of my cells do a little dance. The way I saw it, there were few obstacles between us: my wife, her fiancee, and my looks. And of course there was the stereotypical black girl with the attitude and large posterior. After drawing up a lesson plan, with costs, insurance payments, and copayments, they turned me loose. The did not perform a single Dental Thing - they just let me go. They told me my copayment for the next visit, but I noticed they never told me the total - they just sent me home with the estimate. This might have had something to do with the 4 figure total for copays. I already put the vet's kids through school, I'm not doing it for the dentist too.

I noticed that nobody looked like my former dentist, Dr Mengele, so I'm hoping for better results. Either his work was subpar or I've been in there, pulling stuff out and messing around. It took all I had to get me to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to do it again. This plan is not what the environment people would call sustainable.  They might have to get a trebuchet and launch me through the front window.

RIP Carl Reiner (98) 

A funny funny man.

Captivity -- Day 85 My Boobies Lie Over the Ocean

The humidity went into hiding today.
Nobody missed it.



In November 1963, a popular young president drove into an ambush.
Various unstolen video and pictures show the crowd running toward the grassy knoll after the shooter.

Can you imagine, heaven forbid, if that happened today?
The crowd wouldn't move because the shooting came from the crowd. Antifa would be high fiving each other, half the crowd would cheer, and the limo couldn't get to the hospital because BLM was peacefully laying in the street (reloading). All video from every angle would be on YouTube before the FBI could confiscate a single phone. The newspapers would say the fatal shot came from a killer satellite over Australia, which bounced off Russia first. In spite of YouTube's policy of not glorifying violence, they left the footage up because it was 'uplifting.'



Today's best had to be the little kid asking his mom why that lady's pocketbook said FUCK on it. Because he was looking at Mrs lefty's FUCK keychain. Mrs lefty apologized, the mom would have no apologizing, and they laughed. If the kids ever go back to school, I give him 2 days before suspension.

Speaking of which, the police appeared at the home of an 11 year old boy, in a  virtual classroom. A teacher spotted the child's bb rifle on the wall and called the police. The police asked for Mom's permission to SEARCH the house, then they turned up the bb rifle. Of course there were no charges, because there was nothing illegal. They should have charged the teacher for causing a panic. The child was terrorized.



They let me out today.
After checking with the doctors, Mrs lefty was told ok, but not for too long, and to get me home immediately if I started to look stressed. How could anybody be stressed while picking up a pizza from our favorite place?

Even though it was never a problem before, all of the sudden they required masks.
Uh oh.
Mrs lefty took one look at me and suggested we go home. NOW.
She says I tend to look more homicidal than normal when we go out.

Trying out a few new things the doctors taught me, I figured I'd get into the restaurant. With a mask.

By way of explanation, even though I'm perfectly correct, I don't have to wear a mask in the house, except when Mrs lefty's feeling kinky. So I don't feel like wearing one when occasionally permitted outside.

NO. NO. No. N. No mask.
I don't NEED a mask.
I didn't have to wear one 2 weeks ago - why now?
They're foul. They're wrong. They make my nose sweat. And they stink.

So I got a gold star from Mom, who loved the pizza. Mrs lefty said I was allowed to remain alive (at least til the evening).

The small strip mall with Lowes has NO parking left. Hundreds and hundreds of spots, all full. A large store - all empty. I'm starting to shake, moreso. Breathing deeply, I agree to go to Bob's, where they always have the stuff we're looking for.

Except this time, when Bob's is completely sold out of everything we need. Never mind, we run into someone we haven't seen in years. In the next aisle, we run into someone we haven't seen in months. I wanted to leave before we ran into Mom, who we saw a few hours earlier. All of them came from Lowes, where they couldn't park.



I did my weekly check on visiting my favorite places. Both restaurants still don't deliver to tables, although one does in 3 stores in PA, all on the other side of the state. Idiot Governor thinks the Flying AIDS leaves the state from west to east.

I'm so desperate, I want to visit Guitar Center.
I pulled up their site, where half the screen announced BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Ok, good to see another corporation spouting the required rhetoric.
Currently there is only curb service. I have absolutely no idea how you try out a guitar at the curb, but who am I to question the wisdom.
Their plan for opening was that they would keep everything clean. They won't TUNE the guitars, but they'll clean them.

The customers and staff will wear masks (a grave improvement in looks) and the staff would help the customers at an appropriate distance. YES SIR - THAT'S A STRATOCASTER. IT'S A DAMN FINE GUITAR. WHAT? YES, I HAVE 2 AT HOME. CRANK IT UP! WHAT? I CAN'T TURN THE AMP ON BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO IT.

Perhaps I'll wait.

The end of the day was picking up the medicine the doctors gave me.
We got to the pharmacy on time. But they require masks too.
Life is cruel.

Breaking the Streak

I promised (myself? you? somebody?) that I'd close down the ranting and raving, concentrating instead on captivity. I think I've managed to pull it off reasonably well, but, as you'd imagine, holding it in hurts too much and I need a release valve.  The Stupid... it hurts...

TV is a mess to begin with. They ran out of ideas ten years ago and this is a rehash of a rehash of a sequel of the son of the original's cousin. Watching this crap is physically painful. To see what garbage haunts us, just turn the tv on.

The Flying AIDS has even changed the way we watch tv. The talking heads are now broadcasting from their own (or somebody else's) home - each one of them. Their social distancing is 40 miles or 2 counties. Now most of the dingalings are doing it too. They look like idiots, which is rather convenient, as they are idiots.

I spend a lot of time listening to religious folks telling me we are in the end times. Aside from being amused, after reviewing their claims, I believe tonight has provided literal video proof that they're correct. It is a sad day for me.

We know we can't go outside, nor can the (alleged) artists, news and musicians, so we have to sit in the living room and save the world from there. Our jaws are on the floor, which surely is the indicator of something involving the end of the world. Alleged artists are watching tv and this is the tv show. The entire tv show is stars reacting to tv shows. It's easy to like because you don't know who most of the stars are. As it goes further, you turn to your tv partner and wonder aloud when tv died - the actual date. We're watching a show about people watching a show. According to quantum physics, this is a quark and will repeat on itself until a black hole eats the entire planet. Maybe this is the promised end times, minus the science.

Of course, we're just as bad for watching this excrement after 3 minutes.

Speaking of excrement, TMZ came on before it. TMZ: gays making fun of straights since 2008.



Because Mrs lefty has had a bad week with chronic pain, I offered to go food shopping with her. This is a very stupid idea, proving we do not learn from our mistakes.

I was very well-behaved. From the car to the front door of the supermarket. WHAT? WE NEED TO WEAR MASKS IN THE STORE? Mrs lefty, in a moment of true genius, said 'you should wait in the car - no, really.' Since I listen to no one, especially if they make any sense and are correct, I continued into the store. I put on a world class display of grumbling. Since we live in the hell hole that is Pennsylvania, the state owns the liquor stores and you can't buy serious alcohol after certain hours. So we found some girly drinks, then saw the line to pay first was 90 people long. This reinforced my already positive mood.

You cannot buy pasta. Even the weird shaped pasta, in different colors, with names you cannot possibly pronounce after 15 years of class and a few summers in Italy. Everything else is more of less there. Except, of course, what I want. Markets pay someone to follow me around and find out what I like, so they can stop carrying it immediately. There is a really good soda available; out of which every flavor was available; except mine. That's the way it went. I kept think my wife was right - I should have stayed in the car. There was a STOP sign at one point, where a concierge (not in her job description - I asked) takes you to your personal checkout person. I am not a virologist, but this would seem to indicate you get the Flying AIDS at the STOP sign or 15 feet past it. I feel better now. You?

Mrs lefty wishes she stayed in the car. How do I know under the mask? I got the International Lefty Signal: eyes rolling. I see it a lot, for some reason.

The long and short of it is that we're being played.
We stand up, get in lines at least 6' apart, deal with shortages, flatten the curve, take the shot (as soon as there is one, Mr Gates), deal with greater limitations of our rights, and just pretend life goes on.


This isn't your garden variety stunt: it's all over the planet.
WHO is big enough to pull this off and why are they doing so?