Voluntary Captivity

If you're bored and happen to have an Alexa, Siri, or Google Assistant hanging around, here are 1,000 phrases that 'false trigger' them...


The US has purchased the world stock of Flying AIDS drug Remdesivir.
Little is known about the drug, which may or may not treat the Flying AIDS, on several days of the week, but at least we own it all now, nyah nyah.


According to the Detroit police chief, facial recognition software misidentified 96% of the time, which is "good enough for us."


Happy 4th to everyone!
People died so you would have social media. Thank them.




Don't forget about your unconscious bias.
You know... the bias you have against certain groups, of which you're not aware.

A recent study revealed that 95% of people had an unconscious bias against people pointing guns at them. The Union to Destroy Unconscious Bias said this was unconscionable and would work diligently to remove this stigma on people who just happen to be carrying weapons. The Union further said this is a particularly nasty bias if the weapon-holder is black. They suggest that if you encounter a black person pointing a gun at you, you should give him everything you have, even taking him to your house and giving him everything you have there too, to atone for your unconscious bias, white guilt, and the lack of reparations. Perhaps if you admit your bias and give up all your worldly possessions, the person with the gun won't shoot you. You must understand their struggle.

The Anti Defamation League is revving its engines, figuring out how to get in on the Guilt Thing.  They have seen what black people are able to accomplish and believe they can rise to the occasion, after the black people are done, and take advantage of Guilt. What the ADL is not counting on is Guilt Fatigue. This is when the crackers give and give and give, so they have nothing else. They're not interested in hearing more guilt: the black people have worn them out.


I need all my readers to get on this: visitors to national parks are still over 70% white. We cannot let this go unanswered.



I was bored, so I thought I'd go out surfing to find some new stuff.
I finally found the solution to all net boredom: find the lists of sites to be blocked for children and visit the sites it recommends. There are porn new sites I never heard of!



Hillary Clinton mourns the upcoming suicide of Ghislane Maxwell, associate of Jeffrey Epstein.




GUITAR CONTENT

So, that Tech 21 Fly Rig from ebay..... it had a little trouble, in the form of motorboating or oscillating. Whenever I turned the gain up, the thing started making noises. At one point, it was so bad, the box seemed to have a built in tremolo. It was a pretty cool box, when it wasn't motorboating. It had 2 preamp sections, Tech 21 and Plexi. Tech 21 sounded like any old tube amp, but with a master volume. Plexi sounded a little like a Marshall, plus it had a boost on a separate switch. It had delay and reverb, but the reverb was only available with the Tech 21 setting, which I found odd.

Since the rest of the Fly Rigs are pretty expensive, I'm looking around for something else. Doug Aldrich has a signature distortion pedal out for about $100, that seems to do everything from light boost to distortion. I'm leaning this way. There are over 14 billion different overdrive/distortion pedals. If you don't believe me, check ebay. Some are just rebranded, like Mooer and all the rest. Just in case you're asking, a $90 Mooer is not going to sound just like a $400 whatever it's attempting to be, but it can get close. Your best bet is to head to YouTube to listen for a demo. That Pedal Show is really good. Their Dumble shootout was very interesting.



ROME — Pope Francis told members of the Catholic Press Association Tuesday that the media should build bridges, defend life, and help people, especially the young, “to distinguish good from evil.”  Because we're very busy molesting little boys.

RCA 11 Delta Pro Tablet micro review

It's blue.

Be here next week for my 1998 Fender Stratocaster review.


Well, it IS blue. I'm not positive, but my favorite color is blue, so it could only have come from Wife. Wife does nice things like that. Wife (et al) is not your standard wife, so I beg her (and everyone) not to give me presents. I once got a hair brush (that was cruel). Follow along with me as I recount the Tale of The tablets.

I bought a Samsung Mildly Expensive Model, because I wanted something serious. Naturally it quit, going into a boot loop in short order. I found out what a 30 day guarantee is: it's a design that allows you to keep a broken device for at least 31 days before you even get started finding the device's box to ship it back. Because it would take me at least 230 days to think about finding a box, a new box showed up. Since I don't like new boxes, I suggested just sending it back. It was way too small to be a guitar, so this was not going to be a good idea. [have you ever heard someone bitch about getting presents before?]

With dark, somber, Vincent Price music in the background, I opened it. I was both relieved, shocked, and annoyed. There was an RCA 11 Delta Pro. They got a deal. If one follows the logic, when my main guitar was in the shop, they should've bought me another guitar, just in case. Since they know me, they said I had 90 days to not like it (then why buy it?); I said it came from HSNQVCHomeDeliveryNetwork. Both of us were correct.

So it's blue.
It's an 11" display, which is relatively large, in a field where it is legal to say 12" equals 10.34". It comes with a detachable keyboard, which certainly ups the Gee Whiz Factor. It's actually a decent keyboard, as far as spacing goes. It's not very accurate, but I suspect it's PEBKAC-related (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair). The not lying when they say the keyboard detaches. Thus far it has detached itself 3 times on me, without me asking it to. Don't take this as a fault or cheap construction. In fact, it's damn sturdy.

The build is surprisingly compact and sturdy. While it's possible the other colors are of the same size and sturdiness, I cannot say. I got the blue one. All the holes and stuff are located on the tablet left side, which is convenient, unless you want to use it. I'm kidding but you probably want to charge it without touching it. It uses the standard micro-USB that your phone uses, unless it uses a C (real newer android or a thunder/lightning (Apple). It also has other holes, none of which I understand. Ok, I lied: there's a power switch, a headphone jack, a usb, the aforementioned microUSB, additional RAM slot, Bluetooth, AC adapter, mic, DC adapter.,

SPECS:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie
* 1366 x 768
* touchscreen
* Bluetooth
* Dual 2MP camera
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie)
* preinstalled Google apps
* Up to 6 hours battery life


Comments:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb- if you never put anything on the tablet, you'll be just fine. Otherwise, buy the damn extension.
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie - it's Blue
* 1366 x 768 - standard laptop resolution (I think)
* touchscreen - works just fine and confuses the hell out of me when I change to my laptop, without a touchscreen.
* Bluetooth - it's Blue
* Dual 2MP cameras  (are you kidding me? my phone has 16MP)
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie) I honestly don't know if this will upgrade to android 10 but it's worth finding out
* preinstalled Google apps  - get rid of this shit unless you really don't care. Google is a stain on the planet and exists to get your data to advertise to you.
* Up to 6 hours battery life - how do they figure this out? Here, Bobby, we're going to give you a few cups of coffee - now go play with the tablet.


OBSERVATIONS
I haven't played with it a lot yet, so here goes...

I like it so far. I love the larger screen, which allows me to make larger mistakes. It's almost weird to do things onscreen.  Every control does what it's supposed to. It's solid (dog hasn't pushed it off the couch yet).

Irony: When I was little, we'd send toys back when they forgot to put in the instructions. Now we're thrilled if they put in instructions at all.

Speaking strictly of the blue one, I think the battery could last longer. It's not crisis level but still...I'd make sure to turn it off between on(s).

Definitely PEBKAC on the keyboard. After spending a little more time with it, it actually helps make less errors. Your mileage may vary. I am cursed with the onscreen keyboard in my phone, so this is a blessing. Along these lines, I don't think the screen opens enough. Either I'm too short or the angle of opening is too long. Or both. It would be easier to see if it opened further.


To be continued....

Captivity - Day 48 Measles?

According to one of the many attractive weatherladies, it's cold today. It's cold for the season. It's bloody May and we're not even in August. Somebody better have a bit of a chat with Mother Nature - this is unacceptable. Today's WeatherHottie was very pretty and knew her topic but there's something about a woman with shoulders the size of a football team's Front Four...

Mrs lefty's hobby is finding local channels and watching their news and commercials. This is not a difficult hobby, in that you turn on a local channel and watch their news. The best bit is watching the commercials. You wind up saying to yourself that the production quality would greatly improve if they hired a 5 year old with a crayon to produce the commercials. HAH. This iz Bahb, of Bahb's Tractor Feed and Phonograph Repair. Let Bahb takes care of yer tractor's phonograph feed! If y'all buys this week, we'll throw in a free baby and a bottle of local wine, with real grapes.

Last night I saw some yogurt, thinking I'd have that today for breakfast. Since I can't find chocolate yogurt, I eat other kinds. This morning there was no yogurt. I gave up trying to figure out why a long time ago, but the math says Mrs lefty or Penny the Wonder Spaniel. Penny can't open the fridge (as far as I know) and Mrs lefty opens the fridge too much, so I'm going with Mrs lefty. I think she rearranges the entire fridge after I go to bed. Aside from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I'm not sure why. I am sure it affects my already brittle sense of where things are. So if I'm the only one awake, I can't find any yogurt. It is also possible that she forgot where she put it, so no yogurt there either. This is starting to look hopeless for the yogurt so I go back to sugary chocolate cereal. Ahhhh.... I get it! She wants me to eat junk cereal so I die sooner. This is exactly why I keep the life insurance at levels where it's not worth it to kill me. A place for everything and nothing in its place.

I have a Google Math question: Google tells me I have 8192 page views for the day. I have 8191 page views for the week. Is this algebra? Quantum physics?


KLINGER - put on some pants!
Flying AIDS survivors banned from joining military.
Men in panties still ok.



Report from New Scientist: Mini-brains grown in a dish rapidly develop signs of Alzheimer's disease when infected with the common herpes virus that causes cold sores. Who comes up with this shit?  Hey Max... Yeah? We got this mini-brain grown in a dish.. let's put some herpes in it, ok?  BRILLIANT!



WATCH YOUR MEAT: Like the previous rioting over toilet paper, we're on the cusp of Meat Rioting. The story is that meat processing plants are shutting down because the animals are suspected of having the Flying AIDS. Or the employees. Or the employees who do things they shouldn't with the animals. The price of meat is going through the fake factory ceiling.


The hidden cost of gun violence: a NJ State Police detective shot on duty proposes to girlfriend after being released from hospital.


I've been through Kardashians, I've been through Survivor, and our current foe is Furries. You know - the Furries that get into costumes and sing for alleged judges? I didn't know about it til I saw the commercials - JFC, we have degraded. We need to get back to 'normal' from this Flying AIDS thing, lest people have what's left of their minds food processed into (more) mush.  TV is now owned by 2 entities: Wolf (any police or SUV show) and Mindless Live (Survivor, Contest, Love in an oil tank).

Literally the only thing I watch on broadcast tv is 911 (the original).  Perhaps because I don't care about my other tv setup or I don't care in general, Wife and I swap the remote control. She has all the power because she cares, and because she knows what stations are which numbers. Me - Big Vacuum Tube and Computer d00d, relies on his wife to know what channels to put on. I have made some progress, in that I can now change channels. She got me again, though, because she knows which channels we have. Since we have the Cheap Option, which includes internet and broadcast tv, we only pay $249 per month, so we can't expect too much.  My parents used this service the moment it became available in our old hood. I can't mention their name (because of some rule I just made up), but it rhymes with Bomcast. Now for the Old Man Rant: Why, I remember when it was $15 for basic cable. Now it's $15 to drive by one of their skyscrapers in Philly.

I have loved my job since day 1. My boss is a little weird, in that he trusts me, but we can work through these little bumps. Since we're Sheltering Here In Terror (SHIT), we have meetings from his house. Boss likes to keep his team sharp and every time we meet, there's a loud sound in the background. Once the screaming was a cat. Then what sounded like his shower was the coffee machine. After that, we heard a Caterpillar 4B, digging up the basement. This turned out to be a Caterpillar 4B, digging up his basement (for the panic room/bomb shelter). Next week we expect his entire family singing Christmas carols (but his son sings off-key.



This corporate sucking up to everybody who's a hero during the Flying AIDS pandemic is nauseating. The first commercial is nice. The next 12 are mind-numbingly insane. We get you, Ford... we understand you're offering no payments forever on your new trucks, but does that mean the front line responders assemble them? How about the trashmen? The clerks at fast food stores? They guys at the sex shops?

The 2020 Prolapse Awards Are Here!

There are way too many videos online.
Most of them are ill-advised.
You can talk at them and tell them and advise them, but POOF - up they go.
Learn from these misguided ballfaces.
Ask yourself one question: "Will I be proud of this when I'm somebody's grandparent?"

So, kids, take your penis out of that woman (or man), put it back in your pants, and sing or something. That will be a lot less difficult to explain to the grandkids than sodomy. If you don't care, wait 5 years and ask yourself again.


Bob: Bill! Howya doin?
Bill: Oh great, man. How are you?
Bob: Couldn't be better. How's the family?
Bill: Well, Susan's fine. You remember my daughter, Wendy?
Bob: Sure - how's she?
Bill: Great. She's an escort.
Bob: You must be very proud.

And they say *I* have no filters....



It took the better part of a year to figure out the dog's smarter than me.
Penny - wanna go outside?  POOF - to the door.
Penny - let's go nite nite.  POOF - up the steps, into bed.
Penny - wanna go for a ride in the car?  POOF - to the door.
Penny - take out the trash, please - [dumb look]



Oldest material on Earth discovered
Unrelated: Nancy Pelosi strongly objects to her baby rattle on display.

• Cut undersea cable plunges Yemen into days-long internet outage
• Last time there were 2 cut, a letter agency's ships were in the area

The military is building long-range facial recognition that works in the dark.
Of course they are.



Google plans to drop tracking cookie support by 2022.
Since this amounts to shooting themself in the foot, wait for the other shoe to drop.

Verizon offers no-tracking search engine - promises to protect your privacy.
Kick the ball, Charlie Brown.


Want to try linux? Check out Linux Lite  
Should you use linux?

Microsoft's new Edge browser released - what you need to know
Don't use it.



US may subsidize Huawei alternatives with $1.25 billion fund
Oh look - reps and dems came together and it's going to cost you. Every time they come together it's going to cost you. Like the recent budget bill....



European lawmakers want all phones to have same charger
Apple wet its pants laughing.


Bose is closing all of its retail stores in North America, Europe, Japan, and Australia
Requires closing 8 countries and a special adapter for full fidelity




I'm at work, on a conference call. The audio is LOUD, and the volume control won't turn it down. *$(#ing Windows 10, I say to myself. After some examination, I figure it out: Bluetooth managed to connect one machine's audio to another machine's speakers. By itself.



Today I identify as   large crud cottage cheese with anchovies



Alex Winter (Bill and Ted's Great Adventure) has finally finished his documentary on Frank Zappa. Alex had unprecedented access to all the music, interviews, and family documents. This was a labor of love and backed by fans (I contributed to the Kickstarter). It will premiere at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin, Texas. I won't exactly be able to fly there, but can't wait for it to go national.

Speaking of the great Frank Zappa, he often cited Edgar Varese as an influence. I listened to some Varese recently, and there's absolutely no doubt about his influence. This is not the influence that made it to Catholic Girls or Titties and Beer; it's the one that led to what I've heard called 'cartoon music'. Orchestral music plus binging and bonging and percussion. Give him a listen if you like the Zappa stuff.

• Google researchers used neural networks to make weather forecasts
• They had to be more accurate than the guys on tv

The president wants Apple to unlock the phone of a shooter.
Meh- it's only the Constitution.

Dating and fertility apps among those snitching to 'out of control' ad tech

• Text alerts: Time to Fuck!
• Text alerts: Call her, dammit
• ads from diaper companies
• ads for pregnancy tests
• ads for maternity bras
• ads for lacy bras

DING: text message
Welcome to Bob's Health System appointment reminders.

DING: reality
Why yes, I have an appointment, but my welcome did not remind me of it.

• A Komodo dragon destroyed a BBC camera by trying to have sex with it
• You know you're doing it right when your partner can no longer move!

How digital sleuths unravelled the mystery of Iran's plane crash.
Iran had to admit they shot it down. "In error".

• Parasite that makes mice unafraid of cats may quash other fears. 
• Dentist?

Heroes of the Stupid

"Nasal Ranger" nasal smell-amplifier to crack down on marijuana
I keep looking for the April Fools date.  
The war on drugs is a dismal failure. The only people who benefit are the people hired for it, plus the contracts, like above.




SJW Snottiness

Associate dean at University of Illinois came out in defense of mandatory diversity statements in university hiring practices... because "traditional markers of mathematical excellence" get in the way of diversity."

In other words, smart people are disrupting the cause of diversity.

We Need to Have a Talk. About Your Pancreas.

To my readers:
Happy Whatever
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas

Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year.


And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out.





Why is there glitter on my keyboard?
I'm the only one who uses it.
I don't own any glitter.


As happens on most days, I'm sitting there, minding my own business at work, when a meeting pops up. This isn't anywhere near as bad as most places... my boss grew up as a tech, so meetings are short, informative, and to the point. However, and there's always a however, non-boss meetings do not conform to that style. They're virtual, so we have to sit there, nodding our heads, while the lights blink and we sing songs of loyalty to our employer.

No, wait, I mean we sit there, noting some sound is coming out of the speaker, and do something productive. Yeah, that's it - productive. Then we check the speaker again, to make sure no one said our name or we don't need to go THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH!

Naturally this was one of the second kind of meetings.
This job is just slightly weird. This is a grave improvement over most of my other jobs, especially the Twilight Zone<tm>, where each meeting existed solely to go over the last meeting, then schedule the next one. This place doesn't like meetings quite that much, but there are still too many; like flu shots or appendectomies.

Last month's meeting was to go over documentation. Did you know that there's a Format<tm> for documentation? Not only is there a format, there's a person. You put together the documentation, send it to her, she marks the incorrect bits in red and returns it to you to fix. So there I was, with a document all in red, even though I had followed the 234 page Style Guide. I thought it was some sort of test... I had the brilliant idea to document something for the next people to get hired, and they 'subtly' discouraged me by telling me it was all wrong. It turns out I was right. No matter how correct the document is, they like to bounce it back to you a few times.

Along those lines, this meeting was also about documentation, but not as specifically. This was about access for people with (visual?) difficulties. A Very Serious Lady talked for several hours (no, wait, it was just one hour that felt like several hours), with a Very Serious Voice, about how our documentation, emails, and anything else has to be for any possibly otherly-sighted coworkers. I'm looking around to see if anyone else is laughing with tears in their eyes because someone's pulling a joke, but alas, no. This place lacks a sense of humor.

The Serious Lady made points about type points, type fonts, graphics, and never publish in pencil- crayon is still the default. Most shocking was the list of things we shouldn't do: underline, fonts below 37.5 points, color, type while not sitting in an ergonomically correct chair, typing on a Monday, and the greatest sin of all: italics. I sat there, looking shocked, when it hit me: this total absurdity is actually part of the meeting format: say completely bizarre things and people will stop Faceyspaces surfing because they're filled with horror. They will actually tune IN because they can't believe what they just heard. Did she really say italics? Are my emails going to have to be in crayon too? What's the font we have to use on Monday, and what happens if there's a holiday on Monday?

Toward the end of the meeting, she was telling us why fonts are important and which bits of them give people trouble. An idea occurred to me.. there are fonts specifically for dyslexic people. I'm sure no one knows about them and they are not the required fonts for the other differently-abled people. If I asked the question, would the entire panel explode? Because I was in that mood.

• Ketamine is showing promise against depression. Sorta.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your wife do all the food shopping?
• Because she's tired of eating ice cream, soda, and candy bars every day.

There's this show that someone told me to watch. It's about aliens, so naturally it was on the History channel. I remember this in great detail, but of course I can't remember what it was called. No.. wait.. Alien Highway (I think).

At some point, there was a guy who might have had an experience with something in the past. They brought in a hypnotist, who put the guy under. Apparently this poor man took a ride with some short gray beings, which he filed away somewhere because it terrified him. While this is going on, the investigators are in the next room, asking if they should pull the guy out of hypno because he's really upset. Because these guys know better than the hypnotist, who does this for a living.

One of the main investigators was a young lady who was a Ghostbuster in her last show. When the men are out, in the cold, hunting aliens, she was in the basement, running around with her Ghostometer, asking if extraterrestrials where there. Fortunately she didn't have to learn too many lines, because on Ghostbusters, she ran around with her Ghostometer, asking if ghosts were there.  It was pretty funny when the guys were running around in the snow. They set up a trail cam and an alarm cam. When they went back to check them, the trail cam's strap had a huge twig in it and was missing a battery. The alarm cam was pointed in the other direction from where they left it. One guy looked puzzled and the other put on his best Serious Look.

The truth about this is that are all sorts of aliens: grays, reptilians, and congress. There are also the little known Joker Aliens. These guys are very smart and able to look just like any of the other aliens, humans, or the 1980s American Motors Pacer. Their thing is traveling around, messing with ufo investigators. It's about all they do after discovering free energy. All their needs are met, they got bored, and now they trawl the universe(s), messing with investigators and other aliens.  Earth is one of their favorite targets, with a population of paranoids, a dollop of deniers, and a government that wouldn't admit that it's light out during the day.

One of their favorite gags was cattle mutilation.
"Hey, I got it.. let's do weird shit to those cow-things. We'll exsanguinate, tear off random bits, and get this - core out their anus!" [mass laughter - especially the anus] "We'll turn off our invisibility shield and make sure they can see us, so they think it's the grays. For good measure, we'll put a cow in the tractor beam, so one poor farmhand, who speaks little English, gets to watch it rise. Then he'll try, desperately, to relate this to the farmer and the police."  [more laughter]

"Wait - I got another one..... we'll dress up as grays, abduct them from their bedrooms, then do silly things to them, under the guise of physical examinations. When we snatch them, we put everyone else in stasis, so no one believes they were abducted."

"Anus. Anus. ANUS. ANUS..." went the chant.

"Why is it always the anus with you guys?"

"Remember Clinton?"  [more laughter]

"Ok, anus. We'll probe their anus. With a special tool Bob made out of a wooden spoon and some tin foil. When they wake up, we start making bleeping noises and throw our voices so they think we're talking in their head. When we get them back, no one will believe them. And they'll blame the grays. That will teach those short little bastards to date our sisters."  [applause]

"Tell us about this Men in Black thing you were thinking about."

"Ok, well, after the 'abduction', the police show up. After the police, we send three dudes in black suits, all looking alike and official, to tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then we steal some silverware and get out. This way everybody blames the government, which couldn't possibly know who got taken or visited."

"Wasn't there more?"

"Oh yeah, we keep visible, so the jets and helicopters will chase us. Naturally we'll leave them in the dust, then disappear."  [applause]

"Remember the royal family - that was hysterical!" [crowd falls over]

"That was a good one. We took video of them and added a tiny little segment where they turned into reptilians. Of course WE were the reptilians." [standing ovation]

"I know everyone's off duty tonight, but you're all invited to the main deck, cuz we're gonna buzz the White House again. Anyone in?"  [all hands go up] "They spent 50 years denying it after the last time we did it. This time we're going to get the banner that says WE'RE ALIENS, STUPID and hang it from the tail of the ship."  [no more... we can't breathe!!!!]


[why do people think I have too much time on my hands?]



Today I identify as an old glove compartment key, way back when they were separate from the ignition key.

• Dear Mandarin Phone Spammers/Scammers: you might get more hits if you try English. My Mandarin is rusty.
• I'm about to go to a whitelist-only phone system, where all calls are rejected by default. Since about 7 people have my number, I won't ever have to worry about it ringing again.

How about those wacky feds?
They got a warrant for 1,500 phones within a certain area, to work on an arson case.  I'd be shocked, but the only shocking thing is that they got a warrant first. Google defends itself by saying it only gives out info when asked by law enforcement.  In the meantime, turn off your location services, and possibly your phone.

• Boeing is thinking about suspending production of its 737 Max, due to their propensity to stop flying in midair.
• On the positive side, Boeing will introduce the 738 Max.

Boeing 7378

A man from country X commits rape. The identitarian right blames all people from country X, and the identitarian left blames all men. Identity politics is poison  - twitter

Do you enjoy arguing with people on social media?
Of course you do - that's how everyone communicates on social media.
I've just spent a few weeks, on a few services, discussing Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) with 'experts'. All of them told me DID doesn't exist. Alrighty then. They gave all sorts of scientific-sounding reasons why it didn't exist. Alrighty then again. One of my favorites is that the patients are faking it and/or attention-seeking. With the last estimate at about 1 million people with DID, that's an awful lot of attention seekers.

Another is that the therapists led the patients. It's possible that some did, maybe a long time ago, but let's be serious... It's been in the psych disorders manual (DSM) for the last 2 volumes. It's being treated all over the world. The CIA admitted it created Manchurian Candidates (multiples) for spying after they got caught and had to appear before Congress. There are entire facilities to treat DID (or there were - insurance is a bitch).

The 'experts' pelted me with their scientific proof.
I deliberately kept my mouth shut to see how far they'd go.

My wife has DID.
I know many people who have DID - there are at least 5 in my area of the city. There's still a lot of broken people running around the US and Toronto because that's where the CIA did their torture experiments. There are support groups for DID. There are support groups for significant others of DID.

Are you seriously going to tell me my wife's faking a disorder she had no knowledge of? Or that she's attention-seeking? Or that a number of docs who diagnosed her were wrong? That she's not losing time? That there aren't times when things get done that she didn't do? That random people don't 'pop out' and talk? Or that her main therapist was not only wrong, but she led my wife to have the disorder?  Ooh, sorry - I was there. She led nothing. Her first doc said he didn't believe in DID. He had to change his mind when she was getting better with DID therapy.

When I told my wife they didn't believe in DID, she suggested they spend a week at our house. This is one of the reasons I married her.

Speaking of the professionals, people who are allegedly faking DID cannot possibly do some of the things people with DID do. My wife went to the optometrist and asked about colored contact lenses. The doctor said probably not, as her eyes changed color 8 times. The alters have different voices, different genders, different gaits, and different abilities/disabilities. In some cases, one alter may know a foreign language that no one ever learned. Would this be possible if people were faking it?

Someone please save us from the 'professionals.' I shouldn't have to argue with them online. I am not in the psych field, I have no degrees or college education, and I pass out at the sight of blood. All I am is a guy who tried like hell to advocate for his wife (and others) for over 25 years. 

• Do you use Firefox? I do.  Here's 15 keyboard shortcuts to speed up your tasks

Mice watching film noir prompted a study.
Neurons didn't respond reliably.
Thus proving mice are immune to film noir, and therefore, superior.
They're in charge too (of life.. the universe... and everything).

• JBL's new solar-powered headphones promise 'virtually unlimited' battery life.
• The disclaimer states that this does not apply in Philadelphia, because the sun rarely shines.
• This also applies to sun roofs and solar lighting in Philly.

Best headline: IBM tailors Swift relationship....

Heroes of the Stupid

In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.




SJW Dribblings

I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much.   - Lor on Twitter

British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!

Karen, You're a Blithering Genius

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Fishing for Washing Machines

Many thanks to my non-US visitors. There are a lot of countries represented, although I can't imagine this blog translating to anything or anywhere else.

Also thanks to US visitors for our second 4500+ visitor days.
Something in the counter for this blog is on acid, but I'm not complaining. I shouldn't have killed the ads.



The Goog is in trouble. Read the article for only minor horrors about how the Fair and Balanced search engine works, and how many fingers are on the results you see. Yet another reason to use Duckduckgo. You can tell goog is important because they've already lied to Congress.


So long as we're talking about my favorite megacorporations, Apple banned all 181 vaping-related apps from their store, over concern about the possible health impacts of vaping. Cigarettes, anyone?

Since the next story caused too much of a headache to research, I figured why not vaping? Why not vaping indeed. I don't understand this concept, specifically why one needs an app for it. You appear to stick something in your mouth and inhale - why does this require an app?  So I checked... the first few search results were from vaping organizations(!), so I looked. The reviews were for top 5 vaping apps. One was "basically a Faceyspaces for vapers". Another was a calculator (because vaping affects your ability to spell). It shows Stuff About Coils, voltage, and how many cancerous additives to use. E-liquid recipes? Wow, a cookbook for your lungs! There's even an app that allows you to wish for and select the type of cancer you might get!

The best was an app that calculates how many ciggies you have not smoked since you 'quit' and how much money you've saved. The review doesn't mention whether it adds the cost of vaping in there anywhere, since you didn't quit, so much as change the Nicotine Delivery System<tm>.

I checked with my in-house expert, who looked at me quizically, and said she had no idea why one would need an app. You just stick it in your mouth and breathe (until you can't breathe anymore).

But wait!!! A brand-specific app allows you connect the device via BlueTooth, so you can "explore new capabilities".  Try that with your generic old cancer stick.

The greatest thing about vaping can never be controlled.. it's Smug. Yes, Smug: the feeling you get when you quit smoking cigarettes. People 'quit', then walk around with these things in their mouth. Some walk around with these things in their mouth for the rest of their lives, and boast that they've quit cigarettes. Umm... it's supposed to be a step-down program, not an Alternate Delivery System.

The FDA, which is Very Concerned about this, has banned flavored vaping, so as not to appeal to children. Vaping manufacturers have taken Great Offense at the insinuation they're marketing to children, and insist that Lungy, the single-lunged camel, and the YooHoo, Coke, bubblegum, and chocolate flavors are just great sellers.

ThermionicEmissions is aware that nicotine is more addictive than crack and it's borderline impossible to quit.

• I've been thinking of redesigning the blog, or at very least, making ThermionicMalware less incredibly ugly.
• I could use some input, so let's do this: if you like the way this blog looks, do nothing. If you think it should be changed, do nothing.
• If you appreciate the amazing ugliness of the other blog, do nothing. If you desperately desire a redesign so the Geneva Convention doesn't prohibit looking at it, do nothing.
• I looked back at the beginning of the blog and noticed a semi-active comments section. Drag your friends here and start commenting!

Physicists capture first footage of quantum knots unraveling in superfluid.
Yes, Superfluid - the Liquid Crimefighter! Disguised as a puddle with a teeny tiny cape, it's Superfluid. Wetter than water! Stronger than Regularfluid! Able to leap tall glasses of chocolate milk in a single bound... it's Superfluid!*

*I love me some quantum physics, but this is so far down in the dust, I can't make sense of it. People who understand it will probably be ok with the article. The footage captured was of a quantum knot, decaying into a spin vortex. Got it?

A quantum knot is what happens when you pull your shoelace to untie it. It never unties smoothly and you wind up with a quantum knot: the kind it takes 10 minutes and a woman to remove.

Also included was a picture of the equipment used to generate quantum gas (read the damn article). Blogspot will not allow me to include a picture of what generates quantum gas where this blog is typed. Why am I still using Tiny Font?




Dear lefty

• Why aren't HD cameras working out in cars as crash cams?
• Because drivers turn them around and take selfies.

Ever have one of those days? Of course you did.
My situation strings together a lot of those days, after which I type them here for your entertainment. This morning I was jolted awake by the light being on. It was the light Mrs lefty turned on, as she pointed to the small lake in the middle of the bed. Logically speaking, one of us had put it there. Since it wasn't me, that left 2. Since Penny hasn't peed in the house since right after we got her, that left 1. And the 1 was Penny. She probably has a UTI, as she never fails to alert us, sometimes by walking on our sleeping heads, that she has to go outside.

We bought this bed almost new, and have already caused more damage than it got since it was put together.  My father gave me his very worn but reliable car, which sprouted a dent the first week I drove it to work. Then it started overheating. The cherry on top was when the tree limb from hell fell on it, smashing the rear window and various body bits. Mind you, none of this was my fault, unless you call owning it my fault.

My grandparents gave us this wonderful old dining room set; waaaay older than me. Simply getting it to the house caused more damage than the 50 years they had it. This stuff just happens.

Since Dad had the unmitigated audacity to die and Mom doesn't drive, we're getting the car. I would strongly advise you not to come within several states of it.

• If you have Chrome or a Chrome-based browser, why is it almost impossible to get a cookie blocking extension? All the cookie managers let you play with the cookies. I don't want to play with cookies, I want to deny or accept cookies, on a per-site basis. I finally found a developer-related addon that does this. Idiots.

Today I identify as pudding.



There is something fascinating about Tunnel Boring Machines (TBMs).
Not fascinating is they're very temperamental and frequently require maintenance. They carry a small train behind them to get all the dirt out from boring.



No thank you, I'd rather debate politics in front of the White House



Because I'm a musician (allegedly), you get stuck with weird stories and recommendations. Today it's Paul Williams. If you're under 30(?) you may not remember him. You might know some of his songs, though: We've Only Just Begun (Carpenters), "Rainy Days and Mondays" (Carpenters), "You and Me Against the World" (Helen Reddy), "An Old Fashioned Love Song" (3 Dog Night), "Let Me Be the One", and "The Rainbow Connection" (Muppets). Embarrassingly, theme from the Love Boat (hopefully you don't remember that either). He won Grammys, Golden Globes, and Academy awards. He was bloody huge around the 70s.  Later on, excess got to him, he got clean, and is a certified drug and alcohol counselor, in addition to a very gifted writer. It's unclear if he wrote the music too, as it seems to be credited to 2 or 3 people. He was also a huge tv star, with an uncountable amount of appearances on the Tonight Show (Johnny Carson, anyone?), movies, and other tv shows. He's a funny little dude (5'2"), with a huge personality.

Just watched a documentary, kinda, on Paul, called Paul Williams - Still Alive. It's both funny and sad, in many different ways. The fellow who made the movie approached it as a fan, wanting to make a movie, and also become buddies with its subject. If you look carefully, you can find it online.

I'm going to flash back... way back, to my mom's record collection. Before I started playing guitar, I would listen to her albums (round black things, with a tiny hole in the center, pre-CD, pre-MP3). I discovered Joe Cocker there, which started me off on the right foot, as well as Procol Harum. I gave her Little Feat and the Allman Brothers, so it was even.  Among the records was Paul Williams - A Little Bit of Love. For whatever reason, I fell in love with it. It's bizarre, as this is not my forte, by a long shot (Mom, ya done good). Many years later, I still remember the songs, or parts of them (my musical memory is beyond weird).

In the movie, a lot of people said they were drawn to his music by the words, which dealt with loss and being lost. I think I was drawn by the music, then the words, but I'm generally not a words guy.

I saw him, many years later, in the Minneapolis Airport. He kinda stared at me, and I could hear his thoughts: What the hell is THAT? I really should have chatted with him.

Give him a listen, as well as the people who sang his songs.

• Bose continues their innovation, this time in headphones. Their phones have 130 microscopic drivers (70 facing outward), alleging that you get the full fidelity from them, plus 4 racks of pre-processing.
• The above is hysterical if you remember their 901s.

Heroes of the Stupid


Apple fired an employee who went through a woman's pictures and forwarded one to himself. He was very sorry (for getting caught) and had no idea how it happened.   Apple apparently hires people from Geek Squad.

Apple allows you to install other browsers on the iDevice, but they can never be the default. Regardless of what you install, it's only a fancy wrapper, because all browsers are required to use Apple's rendering engine.

Denver is suing a business owner for refusing to pick up the feces of homeless people who defecate on his property.

Australia wants to use facial recognition for porn age verification.




SJW Output

Anyone should be allowed to 'identify' as black, regardless of skin color or background, according to university leaders in the UK. In unrelated news, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had stereo heart attacks today.


There’s no one way to be a man.
Men who get their periods are men.
Men who get pregnant and give birth are men.
Trans and non-binary men belong.
#InternationalMensDay - courtesy of the ACLU, which is getting sillier with age


A studio exec has suggested Julia Roberts play Harriet Tubman.
This is every bit as stupid as demanding black and female actors play white male roles.


Millennials say workplace 'Secret Santa' gift exchange causes anxiety.
Know what else causes anxiety? Getting fired.

Just Pay a Separate Fee

The BBC has just put its site on TOR
I'm not sure why the BBC needed a TOR site; perhaps they don't want anybody to catch you reading it.

*TOR is where the 'dark web' is. It's much more difficult to hack into TOR, although the FBI has done it (for child porn and illegal substances). TOR helps avoid tracking by your ISP. You only need the TOR browser. No, you won't see any illegal sites unless you go looking for them.

Stay tuned for Google harvesting your medical information!



I would like to say hello and thank you to whoever in America sent 4537 of their friends here. It was probably a horrible glitch, but I'll take whatever I can get.



In an effort to be more inclusive and garner some positive press for once, Google has decided to allow their speaking devices to use different voices. I have suggestions:

• your nagging mother-in-law's voice
• your nagging spouse's voice
• the president - this will either inspire you or cause a heart attack
• British voice - it sounds like it's correct all the time, even when it's not
• Chinese voice - you can't understand it any better than tax returns
• Ebonics - it axe you way you wanna go, ho?
• Canadian voice - tells you where the nearest hockey game is, eh?
• Jewish voice - Oy vey, you vant to know where are the sales? Your mother, God bless her, should only know...
• Polish - park the car in the bathtub
• Wife - no, the other left

Dear lefty

• Who are some decent alternative presidential candidates?
• my cousin-in-law, who was autistic before it was popular

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans want to rewrite the First Amendment to "reflect the cultural norms of today" in order to stop "hate speech."

Another new poll, based upon the old new poll, has found that we are a nation of morons. Finish this sentence: If Ben Franklin heard this, he'd ................

• I'm shaking my head in disbelief and sadness: there are people against meritocracy (getting the job and advancing based upon your good work). They claim it produces inequality, stifles social mobility(?) and makes even the winners miserable.
• This is horrible parody and I wish it would stop.

Youth is wasted on the young.
When I think back, I regret that I didn't spend more time with people who are no longer around. People I can appreciate so much more, now that I'm an (alleged) adult. People whose wisdom is valuable.   Kids just don't know... I guess that's a good thing.




Today I identify as a dog bowl



We're trying to force life back to (ab)normal, after our loss. Today we took Mom to the mall. Life is always an adventure.. especially after I noticed there was no phone signal in the mall. While the ladies shopped, it became very important to text my friend to tell her there was a guinea pig in The Secret Lives of Pets 2. No signal. This seriously impacted my texting.

The movie itself wasn't as funny as the original, but isn't that always the case? The kids enjoyed it. It was the dog's first movie she actually watched.  It might have had something to do with all the dogs barking. She even stared when the cats meowed. She doesn't understand depth, so sometimes she runs around the back of the tv, looking for the dog or cat she just heard.

So we find ourselves shopping in a store with adult sleepwear in fantasy animal themes. You could put on this one-piece pajama and look like a unicorn. It wasn't enough that the kids wanted one - they insisted Mom get one too. Now the two of them can have a sleepover, dressed as unicorns. Like a small herd or something.

I have the only mother on earth who hasn't been to Starbucks in ten years or more. Even with a limited menu, it took 15 minutes to figure out what to get. Fortunately we had some help from one of the green-haired girls behind the counter. While waiting, we overheard a delightful conversation between Blue Hair and Pink Hair. Blue Hair's brother is apparently scoring with the girls big time, because they're giving him their scrunchies. At my last job, one of my coworkers would come into the office with someone's panties. You can decide for yourself which is the better trophy.

Then it got surreal.
I found myself, with wife and elderly mom, in Victoria's Secret. I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little. The possibilities for being uncomfortable and hysterical were many. Mrs lefty is trying to draw out what kind of underwear Mom wants... they are different languages. Then the color selection started. My job was to hold everyone's drinks - a noble post.

At this time, a very cheerful Annoying Sales Person came by. She didn't take subtle hints like NO, WE'RE OK, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE NEED ANYTHING. She asked if we had any questions in the meantime. I pointed to the picture of their model Adriana Lima and asked if she was from Brazil. Judging by the look on her face, she had never heard that question before and she honestly didn't know. I had achieved my goal: she was walking away.

Color selection finished, it was time to wander around. Mrs lefty wanders like a pro, frequently using her power of Disappearance, flummoxing the rest of us. Mom needs to be monitored a bit, lest she leave her purse on a bra or wander out of the store. I was the caboose, charged with making sure Mom didn't get lost, while simultaneously trying to locate Mrs lefty. Normally I like being asked what I think of things in that store (by Mrs lefty, you bastards) but it just wasn't working. We thought everything was free, because we couldn't locate a checkout counter. It was cleverly hidden at the back of the store, where everything was dark and you couldn't see it from anywhere else in the store. The cashier was wearing a tape measure around her neck and I asked if she was required to wear it or did she use it. She described the things it could be used for, specifically measuring women for bras, which women sometimes never have done. I'm chuckling along because I'm well aware of this. I have to give the girl credit: she didn't even flinch when I told her I can correctly size breasts with a tape measure too. This is the kind of employee you want working at your business.

In the next store, Mom went into Panic Mode<tm> because she couldn't find her purse. I ran around to the places she was looking and we were relieved to find that Mrs lefty had her purse, for just this reason. Apparently I need to get out less.

Mom is having fun and it was well-deserved. We enjoyed it also, except when she'd answer a question we didn't ask, then laugh inappropriately.

On the way back, she asked if we would stop at the store to pick up some water, because she was almost out of it. Sure. Translated, this means 'you go in the store and get me some water.' I keep running into this attractive shopper... it occurred to me, by her smile, I should say a few words to her or something, but then I remembered Mrs lefty's strict No Dating Policy and walked away. The wife has absolutely no sense of humor. The sad irony is that I could never figure out when a woman was being receptive or hitting on me... the wife would point it out and I still didn't get it. Now that I can make most people laugh and occasionally pick up when a woman wants to talk, there's the No Dating Policy. I get no reward for learning and growth.

So I am in a foul mood because it's past my naptime and I'm greeted by another Cheerful Cashier. She told me it's service with a smile; she's smiling and now it's my turn. I looked at her and said, deadpan, "I am smiling." The people in line were laughing but the cashier was a little upset. We discussed the vagaries of customer service. My first job was 9 months of Retail Hell, at which I discovered that I never wanted to work in retail for as long as I lived. People weren't my strong suit. The cashier's former job was in public transportation, so being a cashier was a vacation.

When we got Mom home, I put the water away. It was a good thing we stopped for water -she only had six gallons left. So with ten gallons, she won't need any emergency trips for water for at least a day or two.


Meanwhile my phone is still not working. I am still not happy. I'm rebooting the phone as if it had Windows. Still nothing. Still not happy. After the past weeks, I don't have the reserves to fight with my phone, or for any negative news at all. At home I see it's still not working and am forced to do the first level repairs: screaming at it. This failed miserably. Second level is screaming in general, but not specifically at the phone. This also failed. Still napless, I was not in good form. Much technical testing later, I chance a look at my carrier's last text, which said my bill was due a week earlier. As a long term technical person, I immediately put one and one together, equaling three, and get further mad, realizing the bill wasn't paid. You're probably saying to yourself that I must be a real idiot to not pay my bill, but in actuality, it's Mrs lefty's fault. She says 'pay your bill' and I pay it. Since she never said 'pay your bill,' I never paid it, which is why it's her fault. I went to pay it by phone and the phone was still not working. Of course it wasn't. Even after I yelled at it further, and told it I was using the phone to pay my $*#@ing bill. Bloody hell, I'm Desperate and Phoneless. Getting on the computer, it won't let me log into their site.... bad password. I know the bleeding password by heart, plus I keep it in my password locker for this reason. Strangely, I paid the bill and the phone worked again. It was like a miracle.

• Agoraphobes have a much smaller carbon footprint: it's hard to use resources when you can't leave the house.

No thank you, I'd rather express my dog's anal glands





Heroes of the Stupid

A Florida man was arrested after being caught having sex with a stuffed "Olaf" toy inside Walmart.    Well.... was Olaf any better than Elsa? 

An Arkansas hunter died after the deer he shot attacked him.
That deer got 4 hunters last week.


SJW Sentences   (didja ever notice there are always many true SJW stories here?)

Clapping has been banned at Oxford University to stop people being triggered.

A California veterans hospital, visited by women dressed as WWII glamour girls, now wants to approve the outfits before allowing them to visit patients.   No good deed ever goes unpunished

Using proper grammar is a sign of 'white supremacy' says ASU professor.
As someone who spent time in Arizona, I can certify this fellow spent way too much time out in the 115 degree sun, in addition to being a professor.

Why there are no exorcisms in Russia

Words Hurt - Here Are Some of Them

Here's a really disheartening article on another Google misdeed: selling you to advertisers.

• Last week the San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to brand the National Rifle Association a "domestic terrorist organization."

Dear lefty

• How many pees are in pea soup?
• No.

Today I identify as: an Abrams tank. Loud, obnoxious, deadly, and gets just under 1 mpg.

• Until 1990, it was illegal for homosexual foreigners to enter the US.

No thanks, I'd rather make sweet love to Nancy Pelosi

• There's only 510 messages in my inbox. It's going to be a good day.


"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can." - Cullen Hightower



Now that Hasbro has Monopoly that addresses gender pay gap (see below), I have some ideas for new versions of Monopoly:

• Misgender Monopoly - men get thrown in jail for misgendering opponents
• Racist Monopoly - go to jail for being a racist, which you already are. Black people get all the properties for Reparations.
• Libertarian Monopoly - no rules or penalties, so long as you don't commit aggression. If you go to jail, it's your own damn fault.
• Shame Monopoly - anyone fat/slut/boob shaming loses their property to the person they shamed. Then everybody shames them.
• Crackhouse Monopoly - you give all your money to social issues so you can give your money to them again when nothing happens.
• Social Justice Warrior Monopoly - cis white hetero males aren't allowed to buy property. $500 extra for punching someone who disagrees with you. Extra bonus for brightly colored hair and unwashed clothes.

Heroes of the Stupid

A Haverford College student (at the time) pled guilty to trying to hack the IRS to obtain President Trump's tax returns.   Let's hack the IRS - what could possibly go wrong?

According to the New York Post, broke men are hurting marriage prospects for American women.   Feminism has worked out well, hasn't it?

Last week the San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to brand the National Rifle Association a "domestic terrorist organization."

A Staten Island teen on vacation with her mother, was arrested in Russia for pot.  She wasn't arrested for the pot - she was arrested for being stupid enough to carry.

Kamala Harris: ‘Emotionally, It’s Hurtful’ When People Attack My Criminal Justice Record


SJW Skills

"Hey guys" seems innocuous but you should try a different greeting. You're normalizing a term that misgenders and is not inclusive.  [@nowthisisnews Twitter]

Hasbro launched Ms. Monopoly, the board game that addresses gender pay gap; Women make more than men.   Good going, Hasbro... you're addressing pay gap by instituting pay gap.

The BBC is teaching children that there are over 100 genders.


Last week the San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to brand the National Rifle Association a "domestic terrorist organization."

This issue brings us a first: Response to ThermionicEmissions
from Anonymous in SF.

I'm really surprised that they took time out of their schedule to vote that... they're super busy making sure all the city street names are gender-neutral.   first things first!

They should rename the council to the People's Front of Judea.

'ok ok.. besides the fiscal stability, the massive oil and tech industries and the tax base they provide oh,, and all the farmers... providing CA with the best produce ..they're all Republicans..

.. What have the conservatives ever done for US?

I rest my thong, Your Honor

Fred Sanford - You Heathen!

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Incoming!!

Perhaps I'm wrong about the Internet of Things....
A hacker did his thing on a Nest security camera then warned the household that North Korean ICBM missiles were heading to the Los Angeles. 

You have to admit this was clever: additional points for terrifying the occupants.
Google, Nest's owner, said it was bad passwords.
Everybody else says it's the crappy 'security' built into the cameras, plus bad passwords,

Warning: never use default passwords or passwords you use elsewhere.

Next week on Internet of Things: your dishwasher tells you your daughter's pregnant.

• I pick on Apple but it's not their fault entirely... it's their customers.  A teen who sold a kidney for an iDevice is now bedridden for life. Yeah, but he's bedridden with an iDevice.

Dear lefty:

• Bobby Bollinger, of Brampton, AlaBama, asks if we're kinky here.
• Dear Ballsinger: when you were born, did the doctor spank you a little too much?

Remember the case of the unfortunate brain-dead woman in a facility who gave birth? A suspect has been arrested, strangely, a nurse working there. He was nabbed by DNA. Who expected that to happen?

We got way too many calls about housing for aging relatives. I asked if the relatives were likely to get pregnant. The calls stopped.

• An Oregon man was sentenced to prison for sexually assaulting a horse. 
• The horse visited weekly.

Genetics or Environment?

Every pet in our house has figured out how to open bi-fold doors, because you shouldn't be alone when going to the bathroom. This is four dogs and two cats. How does this happen?

The latest figured it out yesterday. She also magically appears when I'm eating. From a different floor, while napping. With me making no noise at all, including silverware, opening bags, chewing like a cow, or shrieking adult pleasure noises.

• There's an online forum for the discussion of the Internet of Things. It's called Dumpster Fire.

Next on Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• The one with the ridiculously huge lips breaks down and cries when the other one accuses her of not getting her lips done.
• The entire cast says, "We're still on tv?"
• The camera crew pisses the actors off because they don't understand the Joisey dialect.
• Gene Simmons guest stars as the rock star who's banging them all. What do you mean he already did that?
• The women jump into someone's olympic size pool and can't go under water because of their augmented flotation devices.
• Yo Angie has Yo Tina's eyebrow tattoos removed, without her knowledge.
• Crisis is averted when the crew helicopters in hair spray and gel. The helo crash-landed in the olympic size pool, but they rescued the hair products.

It was gettin a little quiet here.....

It was 5am and I was rudely awakened by something like thunder. We looked at each other and said "TREE." Looking outside (I hate outside - it only causes trouble), we verified TREE. The gargantuan shade thing had split quite nicely, landing on the sidewalk. It also got a few overhead wires. This is but one reason why 5am is no good.

It happened by a streetlight, so the damage was well-lit and nobody lost power. Sure enough, within an hour, some idiot drove right through it, breaking the wires and landing them on the street. They courteously drove away. This is but one reason why people are bad.

The power company was very concerned, letting us know they'd send someone around if a truck became available - definitely by next Tuesday.  Ever helpful, a neighbor called police, who courteously blocked the road. In spite of this, people still tried to get around him. It's a good thing we didn't block the street with a line of kids....

Police apparently multiply, as they had become a small battalion, with yellow tape. We're thinking of taking them some coffee. Crime must rampant here. The boys in blue confirmed how utterly idiotic people are. Apparently people are coming up to them, telling them how inconvenient this is and how long will it last. If they're so concerned, they should band together, move the tree, and fix the wires themselves. That should produce complete silence...

The electric d00ds were uncharacteristically nice and pleasant and got it sorted out quickly. Now we call the Tree People. That should deplete the guitar fund completely. Oh yeah, there's the smashed rear window and dented rear of the car.

The problem here is the house knows when I have a surplus and breaks accordingly.





Dear lefty:

• My neighbor really really bothers me. Is it ok to shoot her?
• Keep holy the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Caught

Tonight for dinner: cooked sushi.