"Moo," Went the Little Couch

Your love is like   condom pie

Please buy my new book:

Congressional Ethics - a History of Oxymorons

Today I identify as  an Olympic judge, bribed by the Finland Mafia

My text alert just went off. Four times. This drives me up a tree. A very thorny tree. A tree with a lot of branches thin enough to hit me repeatedly and hurt. There are very few people who have my number, and this is on purpose. I'm just not interested. In much of anything, especially of the quality sent by people who don't have my number. Not to mention the people who DO have my number. When the texts come in in numbers, it can only mean someone sent a picture of their kid doing something, and several others replied how wonderful he looked, although you couldn't really pick him out in the crowd. The final text was Mrs. lefty saying WOW. We've been together so long that it was sad she would do this to me. The more texts come in, the more ANGRY I get. The more angry I get, the greater chance I will respond negatively in my own text. This is the reason not many have my number. Even if my phone is quiet, I sometimes make Wife silence her phone, because it's like some sort of Special symphony, constantly interrupting whatever else is going on in the Real World. She just got a text after speaking with that person. This is like when she visits her mother, comes home, calls to tell Mom she got home safe, and doesn't get off the phone for two hours.

So I like a quiet phone. And I have a quiet phone. It sits next to me all day, not making a noise while I'm in my office. Lately it has begun to take notice when I'm not near it. When I leave my office to have lunch with Wife, THEN it rings. This is obviously personal. Her doctors call me because they can't find her. They seem to think *I* can. Sometimes she's not there while sitting next to me, while we eat lunch.

This is why I set it so if I don't know you, you can't call me. The effect is satisfying. In fact, the only time the phone rings, it's for Her. Ok, that's not satisfying. I should just let her carry it. But if I did that, she'd leave it somewhere, with hers, and we'd have to use the landline to call the phones so we could find them.

• Microsoft says the internet is the nicest it's been since 2016.
• and that Windows 11 doesn't collect any of your information 

We try to be good neighbors... well... at least where the dog is concerned. If she starts barking in her yard, we bring her in immediately. Thus it's been confusing lately, when we hear her barking and think she's supposed to be napping in the house. Yes, another dog has developed a Penny impersonation. So now, in the middle of important work meetings, I have to go running to see if she's in the yard. I think my house is somehow involved in this... maybe it taught the other dog how to impersonate her.

• on Wife's sweet creamer, it says "plus artificial flavors"
• what's artificially flavored - the sweet or the cream?

I ask for so little. Really.

No snickering, please.

STOP LAUGHING.

At the end of the day, like most people, I get in bed. As far as I know, it's a pretty standard thing. It's good to know that there are one or two pretty standard things happening in my house (and life). Just one or two.

Since it's the end of the day, it's the last thing I do (duh).

All I ask is that it can be accomplished in the least difficult manner possible. You'd think this would be an easy request, and it would, in normal circumstances. But I don't live in normal circumstances.

First of all, and all men will know; like football, bed is a territorial acquisition game. We lost before we started because She Who Will Be Obeyed has all the bed. Even after she acquires the entire sleeping area, she will try for more. The life of man is to 

1. hold onto the meager sleeping space they have
2. try to get a few more inches, so his butt doesn't hang off the mattress, getting cold in the winter. Because a man is not a man with cold buttocks. Or even a cold buttock.

When you tell Spouse about this, you'll get all sorts of sympathy. This is called Alleged Sympathy, and it's all part of the Mystique. She will then make a small adjustment to make it look like you're getting something out of the deal, and your buttocks remain warm. After all, if you're not married, she may want to do something that cold buttocks makes alarming. Ahem. This doesn't matter, as the next night, cold buttocks will be back. It would be worse if you were a dog - they have no buttocks. But this is also a meaningless distinction, because even the dog has more space than you.

While doing that dance, you may find your spouse is a twirler. It's important to figure out the direction of the twirling. Mine twirls counter-clockwise, so she gets all the blanket and 90% of the sheet. This has resulted in us using two blankets and two sheets. Even then she sometimes gets the second blanket. In the morning, you discover she wins. It's like football, but uglier. And in football, you can use your strength to get what you want. Try that with a Wife - go ahead - I dare you.

But the above is just what everybody must go through. I mention it because each blog entry requires a certain amount of words (no it doesn't).  My life is different, while simply asking to get in bed without grief and aggravation. I spend all day fighting dragons and making sure my paycheck was deposited directly. I just want to fall into bed and go to sleep. Or, you know, the other thing. I don't even mind the dog's nighttime ritual of standing on my chest and licking my forehead until she physically has to be pulled off me. No, I get Other Stuff....

Dog toys. It started out cute... "Look, she brought a toy to bed."

Then "Why are there 4 dog toys in bed? 2 of them are buried under the sheet. On my side, of course."

"Could you please tell your dog not to leave crumbs where my feet go? I wouldn't normally complain, but the pile is 2" tall - it's like boulders."

"Who spilled something on my side of the bed?"

"Why has the mattress moved 6" and my end is hanging off?"

"I know my blanket was there last night. Oh, the dog?"

"There's a dog on my pillow... no I'm not sharing."

"I can't imagine how there is now a line of shoes tripping me, in the dark."

"Ok, who let the alpaca in?"

"I told you to park the VW Bug in the living room, not the bedroom"

Then "HONEY, THERE'S A TRAIN CROSSING in front of the bed. Did someone put a station in our bedroom?"

The answer is inevitably "Sorry!"

I strongly suspect I'm going to need a guide, with a flashlight, to take me to the bed every night. I know I'd be doing my bit for the local economy, but wouldn't it be easier to just give me a clear shot to the bed, and a place on the bed?

What do you mean NO?

I see.

• The British can look down their noses at us Colonists, thinking they've got it all together with their National Health and their bloody royals, but the manual transmission is standard there, while the automatic is standard here. We are going for progress, and are secure enough to have our gears shifted for us, even in our relatively humongous police cars.
• Suck it, Prince Andrew.

Flying AIDS News  

Abrupt end to mask mandates reflects a shifting political landscape

Boris Johnson plans to end England’s Covid rules a month early

Under pressure to ease up, Biden weighs new virus response

As states drop masking, CDC stands by guidance: “We are not there yet”

Global freedoms have hit a 'dismal' record low, with pandemic restrictions making things worse, report says

GLAM ARMY

• Meet Ukraine’s gun-toting military girls sharing videos and pictures from the front line ahead of Russia invasion
• can US troops defect?
• is there a regulation lipstick? eyebrows?

Happy V-Day, everybody.

It's a happy time for us, as it's our anniversary.

Or a nasty time, depending on moods.

We normally go out to a (her) favorite restaurant the day before or after, to avoid the crowds. I better get flowers, before they go to $100/dozen.

How many years has it been? I don't know - I'm a man. Men are incapable of remembering trivial numbers, that's why they have women. Some men are even smart enough not to say that in front of women.

It's been a lot of years. A lot of years.

She hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her.

And regularly thereafter, with a single brick.

I only found out recently we were set up by our coworkers.

Most are still in jail, so there's not much I can do.

I begged her for months to move in.

She still complains about the house.

She says there's no space.

Because of all the shoes she bought.

My pronouns are GTFO.

Hers are you(plural), they, them.

I like pizza.

She likes lobster rolls and something called rangoon.

I sleep all night.

She sleeps all day, guaranteeing a long marriage, because we never see each other.

I work in my home office.

She talks to me all day, especially during important meetings.

We fight nicely.

We keep the volume below a Metallica concert.

We will go down with the ship together.

Probably because we've been drilling holes in it.

meh - V-Day. Just another holiday created to sell stuff and make singles miserable.

And to make married people miserable, but that may be redundant.

• TikTok shares your data more than any other social media app — and it's unclear where it goes, study says

Frontier flight from NYC to Orlando makes emergency stop after unruly passenger yells that woman is trying to 'steal his DNA', threatens to kill everyone on board and has to be restrained by six other travelers

now this is the kind of plane stop headline I want to see. No more fighting over masks.

A Clean Colon is a Happy Colon

I had an interesting weekend, so I thought I'd share the highlights with you, dear friends. And when I say an interesting weekend, I mean it would have been better to work 7 days, 7am to 7pm.

I took off V-Day for V-Day. It took me a while to figure out this would be a 4 day weekend, because I can never remember when I have off work. I am among the top 11% in IQ, so I miss qualifying for MENSA by 1 percent. You'd know if I were in MENSA because I'd mention it within 3 minutes of meeting you, like vegans do.

Four days. It's like heaven to any normal person.
Uh-oh.


Day One: This was the day we were celebrating. So we slept til 3pm. We didn't do anything fun - we just slept til 3pm.

Day Two: After repeatedly telling Wife I didn't want company on our next try, she invited my mother. This made me unhappy, and when I say unhappy, I mean there's an entire wall I have to replace. I suggested she take my mom. As any smart woman would do, she did. I stayed home and made sure the couch stayed in its spot. It was good of me to stay behind and make sure the couch didn't get up to anything - it might upset the dog.

Day Three:   A Sunday. During which most places open late and close early, just in case we wanted anything. First, we pulled into an optician, because I still need glasses. I will get my colonoscopy about 4 weeks after my colon gets removed. And the store is clooooooosed!  A good author would say something about this foreshadowing the rest of the day, but I'm only a blogger.

Down the street there's a mall. I love this mall like I love colonoscopies. I told Mrs lefty that this mall was voted World's Second Worst Mall, right after the one 30 minutes down the road. Imagine my surprise when we discovered a plaque on the wall: Welcome to Bob's Mall - voted World's Second Worst Mall! Sometimes it's uncanny.

This mall has 3 floors of nothing. How, you ask, do they cram nothing into only 3 floors? It's a closely held secret, like Rob Schneider coming out as conservative, a few times, yet still nobody knows.  What does one do in a mall crammed full of nothing in only 3 floors? Damn if I know - I was there under protest. I prefer to do most things under protest: this way, I never have to guess whether I did something under protest or not.

When I was young, I was the happiest kid in the world when the new Victoria's Secret catalog came out. I memorized their entire inventory. Ok, I memorized their entire palette of models wearing their entire inventory. The catalogs still show up, but now there are stores in malls! Every mall! In the same spot! With the same layout! I used to love the stores - especially going in with Mrs lefty, where I could preview what I hoped I'd be doing later that night. For whatever reason, perhaps marriage, it was no longer fun to visit there. Plus we finally realized that no matter how many things we bought there, she wasn't going to look like the model in the picture right above it. She would, however, smell just like the models smelled after putting on their perfume, so that was an acceptable purchase... also because they were a great gift, so we usually left with a small number of them (40). I asked why were in there - she orders everything online. She said she gets bras there. No, she gets those online too, because Victoria's stocks only sizes that fit on models. I suggested she stop hitting her head on the metal doors, even if it feels better when she stops. Did you know that in spite of the mall being 2nd worst of any mall, they have very comfortable padded benches outside of some stores? I tried my hand at holding it down and making sure it didn't get up to anything, like my couch. There was no way of knowing, but mall traffic makes it difficult to concentrate on what the phone says (never mind what the voices say). I had to cross to the other side of the mall at the Apple store - I can't stand the way it makes my skin burn, even though I like the way every device in there goes haywire when I walk by.

On our way out, I noted that the mall certainly lived up to its billing as the 2nd worst mall anywhere. Mrs lefty noted that a mall is in trouble when 90% of what's there fails to grab her attention.

2 years ago, when my father was still around, we stopped at a donut shop, on a long trip. They had a crushed ice coffee drink that brought tears to 4 sets of eyes. They had donuts that were larger than most - around the size of a tire. And delicious. We made a verbal note to get back there at some point. We talked of it frequently, and I found one of their stores close to us. My father left, my mother is working on her new hobby: driving everyone crazy, and we never got around to getting that incredible drink. Until today, because it was our special day (or at least our third try at our special day). 30 minutes later we pulled into the parking lot, excited, and went inside, where we couldn't find our drink on the overhead menus. I asked. The answer was no, they did not have our drink. I thanked the nice girl and left. Then I blew up, in a lightning and thunder-ish fury that cannot properly be described, other than to say power to half of the county was out for a few hours, glass was broken for a few blocks in every direction, and the entire parking lot had turned to hot liquid tar, in 23 degree weather.

Wife attempted to explain to me that perhaps they were not franchised and could carry or not carry whatever they wanted. If this was designed to make me feel better, it had roughly the effect of pouring gas on hot, smoking tar.  After the number of years we've been married, you'd think she'd know what sets me off. HEY - WAITAMINNIT... of course she knows what sets me off... that's why she said it!

At this point we agreed we'd have to make dinner instead of going out. If we went to our pizza place, they'd be out of pizza. If we went for malts, they'd be out of ice cream. If we went to Wendy's, it would be their first ever instance of being out of burgers. I haven't had this much effect on the universe since an entire chicken chain went out of business when I tried to order a sandwich.

We made dinner at home, just like I friggin' said in the paragraph above. Do I really have to repeat myself? I helped out by grabbing a pan with an uninsulated handle, rendering the entire block without electricity or functioning toilets. Here's a tip: when you burn yourself badly, do not put a hot baked potato on it.

Just as dinner was finally ready, Mrs lefty's last nerve finally snapped and tried to kill her, by wrapping itself around her neck, rendering eating impossible, like finding something you like at a mall. Not to be outdone, I ate some, then got put off food when she put the tv on.

Hours later I was hungry and figured I'd finish my cold, previously-baked potato. I picked up a piece, which promptly took a leap into the sink. I tried again, which revealed a black spot I just ate, after which it took a leap, this time to the floor. Sad but undaunted, I took the remaining half of potato and carried it out of the kitchen. I took a bite and large pieces rocketed to the ground. I figured I'd give the dog a treat. I took another bite and the entire potato rocketed to the ground. I was hungry, but perhaps I shouldn't have tried to eat.

We have one more day until I have to go back to work. I am very afraid of what Day Four of our attempted celebration will do to me.  I tried to give my vacation days back at work, but they won't take them. Apparently I'm the first person who ever asked.

If we go for glasses tomorrow, they will be out of them.



Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing more useless than a tv injury lawyer?
• Two tv injury lawyers.

400 Americans trapped on cruise ship with coronavirus get to go home.
It's great that they will escape their captivity.
For a 14 day federal quarantine.

• When did overweight become curvy?

Today I identify as   curds, but not whey

What do you call something so insipid, vacuous, meaninglessly trendy, completely without merit, and non-deserving of anyone's time; that can suck your brains out your nostrils, like ancient embalmers did to kings during mummification?

Daytime tv, of course.

lefty ruins film classics:

If Vincent Price's character in The Raven took his medicine, he wouldn't hear the bird talking to him.

• Search giant Baidu released an open-source tool to detect whether individuals in crowds are wearing face masks.
• If we didn't have this software, we'd never know.

Best Headlines:

• Jellyfish snot can sting swimmers who never touch animal
• Israeli soldiers tricked into installing malware by Hamas agents posing as women. This could get very ugly very quickly.
• Fish monsters, barking dogs, and roach patties: the films of Bong Joon-ho
• a 13 year old girl who got pregnant with a 10yo boy has signaled that she wishes to become a social media 'influencer'   Who says America isn't leading the pack?  Mom: "Initially we thought she had food poisoning..."

Stop and consider: living brain tissue experiments raise new kinds of ethical questions. Tissue contains our awareness and memories. Same with organs.






Random Observations

• Melena Kanakeredes(?) is now on one of those cops shows (Hawaii 5-0?). I remember being very sweet on her many years ago. She has barely aged and has not had surgery.  Some women have great skin. Why is this crap on my blog? Don't ask me - I just type what the voices tell me to type.

All the coronavirus news you can stand (and more):

Coronavirus cancels F1 and Formula E races, could make EU miss CO2 target. Pushes Chinese concerts online.
Also threatens to cancel movie premieres and entire seasons of tv shows, if it doesn't get what it wants.

Head of Wuhan hospital critically ill with coronavirus.

Chinese authorities 'disinfect' Wuhan with fleets of trucks spraying chemicals in the air.



SJW Something 

The struggles of getting a haircut as a non-binary person.


Accounts run by men receive roughly double the retweets of those run by women. Even online, we are talked for and talked over. Even online, men’s voices carry twice as much worth. It matters. When you see women writing about things that interest you, retweet us. It’s that simple.

TMZ is FB for Television

My wife is establishing how deeply she hates me: TMZ is on the television.

No matter how frequently it happens, I still go completely red in the face, as in blood boiling. Then make some sort of negative comment, as is absolutely necessary. The other day I came up with TMZ is like Faceyspaces for television. She thought about it and agreed, smiling. What she doesn't know is that I know the smile was for the reference and the fact that she turns it on just to piss me off.

• Speaking of Valentine's Day, what do you get the lady who wants everything? Shoes, obviously.
• What do you get the guy who wants things that are sometimes worth more than a house? Rolos, apparently.

Valentine's Day is the day named after St. Valentine. St. Valentine used to be known as Valentine, because they were so poor back then, they couldn't afford first names.  Valentine, as was customary in those times, was married to Mrs. Valentine. They lived simply because, as I mentioned, they were poor (stay with me here).  Valentine was known throughout the area, not for his deeds, so much as the fact that Mrs. Valentine was a raving bitch from hell. She was the kind of woman they burned at the stake; not because she was a witch, but because she annoyed the hell out of everyone, including pets. And those little rodents that might be moles or voles or elephant shrews - nobody cared about biology in those days.

One particularly miserable day, Valentine set out to buy his wife some flowers. This kept the bitching and carping down to a manageable level. He visited Flow, the flower guy, who apologized that he was out of flowers. Out of flowers? What kind of flower guy are you? Flow explained that in their village of Filthyralfia, it rained so much, the flowers drowned. When it wasn't raining, there was no sun to make them grow.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Valentine was on a tear, bringing grief and destruction to the people of the town. Starting with the priest and working her way down to the rubbish people, she made sure to insult each one of them personally. She considered her job very important and brought great skill and commitment to it. Some of the peasants formed a Village Watch and would let the others know when she was near. Grown men would hide under their houses and poke their ears out, rather than listen to one syllable from Mrs. Valentine.

Valentine had to walk ten miles, in the rain and gloom, to find a florist in the next town. He was struck by the sun there, and the fact it wasn't raining. He purchased their finest bouquet of roses (roses were initially brown, just like everything else in those days) and made the ten mile trek back to his village.

He gave the roses to Mrs. Valentine, who had only seen roses on television (they were poor but very advanced).  Then the most amazing thing happened: she stopped bitching. For five whole minutes.

A cheer went up into the air.

The village cried with joy. Children came down from the trees. The carnival re-opened. Pets walked the streets, unmolested.

From then on, Valentine was known as St. Valentine. Every year, men bought their wives roses (although the wives didn't shut up for any length of time). Or whatever they could find in the village. The date was February 14th, as close as they could tell, because most of them could not read or write.  

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially St. Valentine, who eventually shacked up with the florist's wife, since the florist never seemed to do anything useful anyway. And that, children, is how we got domestic partnership.

• In celebration of Valentine's Day, there has not been a murder in Baltimore in ten days. Experts, who get paid a lot of money to make this stuff up and go on tv, theorize that the murderers don't want to buy anything for their ladies, so they made themselves scarce. Expect the murders to go back to normal next week.

Former Canadian Minister of Defence, Paul Hellyer, has come out and said the Illuminati is real and running things from the background. You may recognize Hellyer as the hoser who said ufos are real and there are real foreigners visiting.

To some, Mr. Hellyer is a conspiracy loon.

To those of us in the know (or just passing by this blog), he's largely correct.

The irony is that most of this is in the open now, or starting to creep in.

• What kind of health insurance do pirates use?
• ARRRRRRRRRR-P

If you get goosebumps from listening to music, your brain might be special, according to Matthew Sachs. His study showed people who strongly connect with music have more dense fibers between auditory and emotional parts of the brain. Whether this proves anything or not, Sachs won't tell anybody. Furthermore, when listening to Led Zeppelin, pungent smoke started to appear out of nowhere.

The study also showed that people who listen to Kanye and Niki Manaj have no brain at all.

• A Malaysian newspaper published an article on how to spot a gay. Nobody knows why. Homosexuality is illegal in Malaysia and good for twenty years in the pokey, so to speak.
• Gay men could be identified by their love of beards and the way they checked out other men at the gym. Lesbians hug each other and belittle men.
• In reality, trans people can be identified by some combination of boobies and a penis, that just don't seem to go well together.
• Lesbians do not belittle men: feminists do, as do feminist men. Lesbians can be identified by their eyebrows going up when you say BOOBIES. They are extremely fun to watch girls with.
• Gay men.... well... stereotypes don't come from a vacuum. Sweater tied around the neck, owning a Yorkie, and belittling the clothes women wear are all sure signs there's a homo about. Another dead giveaway is having sex with men.

According to the Linguistic Society of America, there are close to 7,000 distinct languages on the planet (not counting New Jersey). As of recently, there are close to 7,001 languages, as one was discovered on the Malay Peninsula.

Maybe they have a specific slur for Malaysians. My multi-year search has turned up nothing.

• Lifehacker, is a very interesting and helpful site, featuring great tips and, well.. hacks. Today they wanted to let us know that if you put lemon in water, you get no magic properties, like detox - you just get lemon water. These guys are sharp.

The sun came out today.

People were covering their eyes. Wondering what that strange light in the sky was. Praying to the gods. Setting grain aside. Watering their dead daisies. Hope began to appear in all who saw it.

Not to worry. In ten minutes it was gone.

• I would like to share with you the lyrics to a song I just heard on a commercial. The wisdom and sensitivity of the words is inspirational. "Imma do it like dis, Imma do it like dat."  I hope these words stay with you as long as they stay with me.

The day has finally come... Hip hop is now the largest selling music in the country. This goes to show that, like the Kardashians, just because it sells well doesn't mean it is any good. My soul cries out in pain.

We know I'm a little bit off on very popular culture, so please bear with me. You know that show with the fat bleach blond mom who rode a scooter and had a daughter who might have been a beauty pageant contestant? It had an incredibly stupid name.  In any case, Mom (Momma June?) lost a few hundred pounds and now has her own show. Do you need further proof we're in End Times? As a person who likes words, I cannot possibly describe the blight on society these reality shows constitute. Everybody has had their fifteen minutes and now we're just scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You don't watch them. I don't watch them. But like spam, somebody's clicking on it...

• People in England purchased tickets for the Reading Festival, then wished they could unpurchase them. The lineup, typically rock, is mostly rap and other assorted garbage. One person said they were selling their expensive tickets for 17p because that's all they were worth. It's happening all over the world, folks.

Germany has ruled Faceyspaces is out of order.

"Facebook collects and uses personal data without providing enough information to users to constitute meaningful consent." They make it too difficult to find the settings too.

Unfortunately this is Germany only. 

I have to be fair: as a libertarian, I'm against government regulation. As nice as it would be to stop Faceyspaces from collecting ridiculous amounts of information by default, it's the user's responsibility to read the privacy policy and make the necessary adjustments. Or better yet, not sign up for a Faceyspaces account.

Children Are Our Future department

Princeton held a class on Free Speech.

You know what's coming, right?

The teacher said 'nigger'.

A student yelled 'fuck you'.

Some students walked out.

And the class was canceled.

What have have the students learned here? 

The SJW who whines loudest gets what he wants. Especially if he can get a 'racist' in there somewhere. Somehow I don't think this will be helpful in their careers.  Aside from the death of sense, the people who should be really upset are the parents, who are paying what amounts to a house for tuition.

A high school teacher jumped on the #MeToo bandwagon because her students were touching her and emailing her inappropriately. This was a week after another teacher went public with similar accusations.

What have the students learned here?

You have to sexually harass your target just enough to upset them, but not enough to go to the authorities.

aside:  I performed at Princeton. Never have I seen a better-educated, more polite, and smart audience. My group's song parody act ran about thirty minutes at the time. We did over an hour because of the applause and encouragement. It was the only place anybody got some of our political humor. It must've changed or something.

• French president Emmanuel Macron said that 'France will strike' if proven chemical bombs were used in Syria.
• The entire country stands behind President Macron and is currently printing up signs and practicing calling out from work.

A study found that self-deprecating humor is linked to greater psychological wellbeing.

If I weren't such an idiot, I might agree.

• Kansas has ruled that a dog cannot run for governor. The dog was submitted as a candidate after a few teenagers were submitted, after some wag discovered there was nothing in the rules about age.
• Angus, a Vizsla, is described as a “caring, nurturing individual who cares about the best for humanity and all creatures other than squirrels.”
• Upon hearing about the ruling, Princeton canceled all classes and France went on strike.

STOCK TIP - because you get your best market info from some weird blog

Invest in corn starch and talcum powder futures.

The way people are sending white powder to politicians, there's going to be a mad run on it.

• Iran accused the West of using lizards for nuclear spying. Because their skin 'attracted atomic waves'.
• The West is just angry because Iran deliberately keeps being next to Iraq on the map.
• A little-known secret is that the Kardashians are Iranian. 
• It's all over: Iran won.

He's Dead, Jim

Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:

It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.

At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.

Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her.  So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.

Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for porn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.

The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.

I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.

• IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.

Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.

• What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
• What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
• On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
• WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.

Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).

• Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
• It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).

College Strikes Again!

Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address. 

• The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
• What could possibly go wrong?

Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.

So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.

What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?

• More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less. 
• Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.

Two for the Price of One

Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes. 

Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.

Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.

Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.

Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?

Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.

Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?

Son: Completely.

Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....

Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.

• The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
• Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.

A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him. 

CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.

It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.

Whether or not there is weather...

• Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
• The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
• It either was or wasn't a test...  it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
• There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
• New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
• Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
• You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
• In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."

There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.

Wanna see my javelin?

• Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
• In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.

It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger.  No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....

What are today's schoolchildren up to?

• Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
• Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a cracker honky white cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when a cracker honky bitch white cis female got the role of Esmerelda. 
• The agitators other-than-white privilege students wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong.
• In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
• The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
• A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
• The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....

The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...

Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.

But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.

• What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.

So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents.

Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information.  Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels. 

Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.

• Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
• Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
• We are a vapid lot.
• The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.

• Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
• and I thought circumcision was bad...

Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American).  Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.

The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.

The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.

Reflections on a Three Day Weekend (and Nineteen Years)

I took Monday off to celebrate Valentine's Day, which some people might find odd, as today is Valentine's Day.  I prefer less fuss and the roses are cheaper.  Wife agrees, so be it.

But V-Day also happens to be our anniversary.  You see, we were married by Blue Cross of Pennsylvania, after I learned that my work plan would cover her.  We sent email to the families, mentioning that we were married.  It took almost five years before some of the relatives began to suspect we weren't making this up.

So this year makes nineteen.  The woman deserves a medal for putting up with me that long.

Saturday my band practiced for the last time before this weekend's show.  They pleasantly surprised me by learning to play certain songs correctly.  It's the little things with me.

Sunday we went to visit a friend.  Since it was positively frigid here in the frozen tundra of PA, we got some hot drinks for the ride.   There's a Starbucks in a supermarket: beggars can't be choosers.  I ordered a carmel macchiato and a white chocolate mocha.  My wife and I each tasted both and we were unable to tell which was carmel and which was white chocolate.  Kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Monday found us at Barnes&Noble, dodging Kindle displays.  I didn't want anything to drink but that particular Starbucks advertised smoothies made with a banana.  I opted for chocolate.  My wife came back with a chocolate frappucino.  Why?  Because they were out of bananas.  Seems silly to advertise the drink on every flat surface (that doesn't already have a Kindle display) when you cannot produce it.  Maybe it's just me.  I've kinda had it with Starbucks.

Our main fun activity was a trip to the Camden Aquarium.  Camden is a study in extremes.  One one hand you have the waterfront area, with its stadium and aquarium.  On the other hand, you have the city with the most murders in the country, as well as the smallest amount of police.

New Jersey came up with some interesting ideas lately.  For instance, all bridges between PA and NJ are free going to NJ but you have to pay coming back.  I firmly believe that this is because after you've seen New Jersey, you'd pay anything to get back to PA and not bitch about the cost.  Very shrewd.

Along those lines, the signage coming off the bridges is pretty good.  It's when you're trying to get back that things get interesting.  Tiny little signs say TO THE BRIDGE and usually point in the wrong direction.  You're not going to get out of your car to ask directions either.  To their credit, the radically understaffed Camden Police Department maintains high visibility on what passes for roads in New Jersey.  They're probably there to ticket you after you attempt to follow their street signs.

My wife was most complimentary about Camden.  She stated that, for an armpit, the place was really clean.  It showed pride in the neighborhood(s).  Oddly enough, this is not the first time my wife made this observation.  We were on vacation in Los Angeles and took an unfortunate turn.  The map indicated we were in Compton.  She commented on how nice Compton looked.  The people there really took care of their homes and surrounding areas.  [Take note, Philthydelphia]

After locating the aquarium, we were less than enthused at having to pay ten dollars to park our car.  Institutionalized robbery, in its finest form.  The admission had gone up from seventeen to twenty five dollars - also less than impressive.  A review today at work prompted coworkers to tell their favorite aquarium stories.  Tales of being accosted for change in the parking lot, while trying to get children out of the car.

Speaking of robbery, the sodas were two-fifty.

But nothing prepared me for the three buses full of ill-behaved, screaming children that unloaded just as we were walking to the gate.  This used to be a running joke with us.  When we went to a restaurant, I always requested the no screaming children section.  On planes too.  A friend recently told me of her trip to a bookstore with a section of screaming children, officially referred to as the leftystrat section of the store.

The first attraction was a small pool with a rather ragged-looking shark of some sort that you could touch.  My heart went out to the poor lady talking over the p.a. about the shark and telling people to only touch with two fingers, as the shark was sensitive.  The conglomeration of little bastards and bastardettes, all seemingly without parental supervision of any kind, were doing everything but leaping in with the poor shark (whose length barely exceeded a foot).  This might be the first time anyone has ever felt sorry for a shark, but that's the kind of people we are.  I made an off-mic suggestion to the employee (valium lollypops), who seemed to approve vigorously.

No trip to New Jersey would be complete without genuine stereotypes; in this case, Housewives of New Jersey.  They probably weren't the actual housewives but perhaps their good friends.  You could tell as their casual outfits cost more than my car.  Ever see a BMW stroller?  I think I did.

We saw Mike the alligator.  He was the largest alligator we have ever seen.  The employees at the aquarium are extremely helpful and friendly.  When I asked if Mike tasted like chicken, she indicated that he probably did, as that was all he ate.  She proceeded to tell us about when she ate alligator.  Ten points for sense of humor.

We like penguins.  I like them because of Tux, the Linux Penguin.  My wife just thinks they're cute.  These penguins, however, seemed rather lethargic.  They were way more interested in the door backstage than in their exhibit, which I found oddly amusing.

We saw a pair of hippos.  I can't see a hippo without thinking of my cousin Betty, the rude, obnoxious slug of a woman with the social grace of Genghis Kahn.  After she discovers your name, she asks you what you do and how much you make.  My wife thought we were kidding when we prepped her for the inquisition but had to admit we prepped her well.  When my wife asked why the water was brown, I told her because this was Philly/New Jersey, where all water is brown.  Most people won't drink it.  Smart people won't even put their boats into it.  The locals refer to is a Schuylkyll Punch (SKOO-kill).

There's a really cool tube-shaped section that makes it appear as though you're walking through water.  The wildlife is swimming all around you.  We saw some sharks plus what can only be described as a Hedge-Trimmer Shark.  Just don't plug him in while he's in the water, ok?

A cynic like yours truly can't help noticing that the all exits lead through the gift shop.  More clever Jersey marketing, no doubt.

All that aside, we really like the aquarium.  It could be bigger but there's still a decent amount to see.  It is very easy to navigate, even for people with some physical handicaps.  If they can let us know when there will be no busloads of children, we might go back.  More than likely we'll take the drive to Baltimore, where I hear incredible things about their aquarium.  And it's twenty bucks to park.