I took off V-Day for V-Day. It took me a while to figure out this would be a 4 day weekend, because I can never remember when I have off work. I am among the top 11% in IQ, so I miss qualifying for MENSA by 1 percent. You'd know if I were in MENSA because I'd mention it within 3 minutes of meeting you, like vegans do.
Four days. It's like heaven to any normal person.
Uh-oh.
Day One: This was the day we were celebrating. So we slept til 3pm. We didn't do anything fun - we just slept til 3pm.
Day Two: After repeatedly telling Wife I didn't want company on our next try, she invited my mother. This made me unhappy, and when I say unhappy, I mean there's an entire wall I have to replace. I suggested she take my mom. As any smart woman would do, she did. I stayed home and made sure the couch stayed in its spot. It was good of me to stay behind and make sure the couch didn't get up to anything - it might upset the dog.
Day Three: A Sunday. During which most places open late and close early, just in case we wanted anything. First, we pulled into an optician, because I still need glasses. I will get my colonoscopy about 4 weeks after my colon gets removed. And the store is clooooooosed! A good author would say something about this foreshadowing the rest of the day, but I'm only a blogger.
Down the street there's a mall. I love this mall like I love colonoscopies. I told Mrs lefty that this mall was voted World's Second Worst Mall, right after the one 30 minutes down the road. Imagine my surprise when we discovered a plaque on the wall: Welcome to Bob's Mall - voted World's Second Worst Mall! Sometimes it's uncanny.
This mall has 3 floors of nothing. How, you ask, do they cram nothing into only 3 floors? It's a closely held secret, like Rob Schneider coming out as conservative, a few times, yet still nobody knows. What does one do in a mall crammed full of nothing in only 3 floors? Damn if I know - I was there under protest. I prefer to do most things under protest: this way, I never have to guess whether I did something under protest or not.
When I was young, I was the happiest kid in the world when the new Victoria's Secret catalog came out. I memorized their entire inventory. Ok, I memorized their entire palette of models wearing their entire inventory. The catalogs still show up, but now there are stores in malls! Every mall! In the same spot! With the same layout! I used to love the stores - especially going in with Mrs lefty, where I could preview what I hoped I'd be doing later that night. For whatever reason, perhaps marriage, it was no longer fun to visit there. Plus we finally realized that no matter how many things we bought there, she wasn't going to look like the model in the picture right above it. She would, however, smell just like the models smelled after putting on their perfume, so that was an acceptable purchase... also because they were a great gift, so we usually left with a small number of them (40). I asked why were in there - she orders everything online. She said she gets bras there. No, she gets those online too, because Victoria's stocks only sizes that fit on models. I suggested she stop hitting her head on the metal doors, even if it feels better when she stops. Did you know that in spite of the mall being 2nd worst of any mall, they have very comfortable padded benches outside of some stores? I tried my hand at holding it down and making sure it didn't get up to anything, like my couch. There was no way of knowing, but mall traffic makes it difficult to concentrate on what the phone says (never mind what the voices say). I had to cross to the other side of the mall at the Apple store - I can't stand the way it makes my skin burn, even though I like the way every device in there goes haywire when I walk by.
On our way out, I noted that the mall certainly lived up to its billing as the 2nd worst mall anywhere. Mrs lefty noted that a mall is in trouble when 90% of what's there fails to grab her attention.
2 years ago, when my father was still around, we stopped at a donut shop, on a long trip. They had a crushed ice coffee drink that brought tears to 4 sets of eyes. They had donuts that were larger than most - around the size of a tire. And delicious. We made a verbal note to get back there at some point. We talked of it frequently, and I found one of their stores close to us. My father left, my mother is working on her new hobby: driving everyone crazy, and we never got around to getting that incredible drink. Until today, because it was our special day (or at least our third try at our special day). 30 minutes later we pulled into the parking lot, excited, and went inside, where we couldn't find our drink on the overhead menus. I asked. The answer was no, they did not have our drink. I thanked the nice girl and left. Then I blew up, in a lightning and thunder-ish fury that cannot properly be described, other than to say power to half of the county was out for a few hours, glass was broken for a few blocks in every direction, and the entire parking lot had turned to hot liquid tar, in 23 degree weather.
Wife attempted to explain to me that perhaps they were not franchised and could carry or not carry whatever they wanted. If this was designed to make me feel better, it had roughly the effect of pouring gas on hot, smoking tar. After the number of years we've been married, you'd think she'd know what sets me off. HEY - WAITAMINNIT... of course she knows what sets me off... that's why she said it!
At this point we agreed we'd have to make dinner instead of going out. If we went to our pizza place, they'd be out of pizza. If we went for malts, they'd be out of ice cream. If we went to Wendy's, it would be their first ever instance of being out of burgers. I haven't had this much effect on the universe since an entire chicken chain went out of business when I tried to order a sandwich.
We made dinner at home, just like I friggin' said in the paragraph above. Do I really have to repeat myself? I helped out by grabbing a pan with an uninsulated handle, rendering the entire block without electricity or functioning toilets. Here's a tip: when you burn yourself badly, do not put a hot baked potato on it.
Just as dinner was finally ready, Mrs lefty's last nerve finally snapped and tried to kill her, by wrapping itself around her neck, rendering eating impossible, like finding something you like at a mall. Not to be outdone, I ate some, then got put off food when she put the tv on.
Hours later I was hungry and figured I'd finish my cold, previously-baked potato. I picked up a piece, which promptly took a leap into the sink. I tried again, which revealed a black spot I just ate, after which it took a leap, this time to the floor. Sad but undaunted, I took the remaining half of potato and carried it out of the kitchen. I took a bite and large pieces rocketed to the ground. I figured I'd give the dog a treat. I took another bite and the entire potato rocketed to the ground. I was hungry, but perhaps I shouldn't have tried to eat.
We have one more day until I have to go back to work. I am very afraid of what Day Four of our attempted celebration will do to me. I tried to give my vacation days back at work, but they won't take them. Apparently I'm the first person who ever asked.
If we go for glasses tomorrow, they will be out of them.
Dear lefty:
- What's the only thing more useless than a tv injury lawyer?
- Two tv injury lawyers.
400 Americans trapped on cruise ship with coronavirus get to go home.
It's great that they will escape their captivity.
For a 14 day federal quarantine.
- When did overweight become curvy?
Today I identify as curds, but not whey
What do you call something so insipid, vacuous, meaninglessly trendy, completely without merit, and non-deserving of anyone's time; that can suck your brains out your nostrils, like ancient embalmers did to kings during mummification?
Daytime tv, of course.
lefty ruins film classics:
If Vincent Price's character in The Raven took his medicine, he wouldn't hear the bird talking to him.
- Search giant Baidu released an open-source tool to detect whether individuals in crowds are wearing face masks.
- If we didn't have this software, we'd never know.
Best Headlines:
- Jellyfish snot can sting swimmers who never touch animal
- Israeli soldiers tricked into installing malware by Hamas agents posing as women. This could get very ugly very quickly.
- Fish monsters, barking dogs, and roach patties: the films of Bong Joon-ho
- a 13 year old girl who got pregnant with a 10yo boy has signaled that she wishes to become a social media 'influencer' Who says America isn't leading the pack? Mom: "Initially we thought she had food poisoning..."
Stop and consider: living brain tissue experiments raise new kinds of ethical questions. Tissue contains our awareness and memories. Same with organs.
Random Observations
- Melena Kanakeredes(?) is now on one of those cops shows (Hawaii 5-0?). I remember being very sweet on her many years ago. She has barely aged and has not had surgery. Some women have great skin. Why is this crap on my blog? Don't ask me - I just type what the voices tell me to type.
All the coronavirus news you can stand (and more):
Coronavirus cancels F1 and Formula E races, could make EU miss CO2 target. Pushes Chinese concerts online.
Also threatens to cancel movie premieres and entire seasons of tv shows, if it doesn't get what it wants.
Head of Wuhan hospital critically ill with coronavirus.
Chinese authorities 'disinfect' Wuhan with fleets of trucks spraying chemicals in the air.
SJW Something
The struggles of getting a haircut as a non-binary person.
Accounts run by men receive roughly double the retweets of those run by women. Even online, we are talked for and talked over. Even online, men’s voices carry twice as much worth. It matters. When you see women writing about things that interest you, retweet us. It’s that simple.
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