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 Your love is like  food poisoning

ThermionicEmissions tries to bring helpful information to everyone. 

If you're going to 'play' with candy canes, do not plug them into the female genital interface. The sugar upsets the delicate chemical balance. It's already a deep, dark mystery in there, so don't complicate things.

Seasons Greetings

• NOTE: if you're in IT and adopting the Zero Trust model, it does not apply to your boss.

Today I identify as  a girl scout, at the girl scout jamboree. If you say otherwise, I'll sue and shut the entire organization down. And you'll be canceled.

This week is also the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, when the Ethiopians bombed Eritrea and blamed it on England. This resulted in the bombing of Japan, cuz why not? It laid the groundwork for all future attacks on oil-rich countries starting with "I".

• hate exercise? don't like getting out of bed? think jogging causes heart attacks?
• the UNFitBit ignores your heart rate, instead showing pictures of ice cream, fudge, and brownies. 
• you can alternate with 100 sets of high fat foods. you can even set it to random!
• when you're stuffed, it shuts off
• No data sent to any servers.    
• Pick up UNFitBit at stores near you. Better yet, order online - walking is hard.

Flying AIDS News   

Italian Man Tries To Avoid Getting COVID Jab With Fake Silicone Arm

Judge blocks Biden vaccine rule, citing “liberty interests of the unvaccinated”

More omicron detected as hospitals strain under delta surge

Omicron variant may be less dangerous than delta, US health officials say

NYC has mandated vaccine passports for 5-11 year olds to enter places of public accommodation.

Belgian police used water cannon and tear gas to disperse protesters in Brussels as the country tightened COVID-19 restrictions to counter a surge in infections.

COVID vaccinations spike in US as delta rages and omicron looms

A massive 8-year effort finds that much cancer research can’t be replicated

• I've been working diligently to figure out quantum computers. As best I can tell, they stop working when you observe them.

Some people hate trackpads on laptops.

Much like some people hate bullies and gray weather.

I never had any problems and kinda like them, up until the current laptop. 

It's bad.Very very bad.

But I do my best.

There are some people, however, who shouldn't use trackpads.

In fact, they shouldn't be in the same room with a trackpad.

Better yet, the same city.

Mrs. lefty is one.

I sat and watched, for hours, trying to help, while she shopped.

It was not pretty.

What's worse was my pathetic attempts to help... 

Some married couples can patiently, ably assist each other with new tasks. This, of course, would not be us. We're like a pair of alpha lions. Leaders of the pack. The pack of two. All growling and no learning.

Overheard:

• You don't have to push the button, you can tap the pad.
• WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
• You just shut down my blog.
• I can't make that happen. How did YOU?
• LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
• I'm not sure, but I think you just threatened China in email.
• Please tell the dog that trackpads weren't designed for paws.
• How about I get you a mouse instead?
• Click on the tab, don't close it.
• What do you mean 'why did that happen?' You MADE it happen.
• Don't click on... never mind. Bring it back up.
• Perhaps you should shop for shoes in the store....
• No, the browser in your phone works the same way.

And speaking of trackpads, my laptop's keyboard bit the Big One, so I had to order a new one.

$25 to ship the thing USPS. I wouldn't trust USPS to mail a letter next door, especially after last year's debacle getting the xmas presents to me. 

When I first got the laptop, I put in NVMe drives, so it was no trouble to  open and work on.

That is, until I tried to open it this time.

I took a ton of screws out and it would not come apart.

At one point, it looked like a few screws had put themselves back - I briefly considered taking up drinking.

I had no choice but to take the option of last resort. Go online and find the manual.

The manual rated this operation as easy(!). Fortunately it listed the number of screws and pointed me to the one I couldn't see. BOOM - the thing came apart.

Have you ever seen flat cables? There were two that connected the keyboard. This is precisely the point you need to call somebody who doesn't do coke (or meth) and their hands don't shake.

I finally got the new keyboard in, with only one broken plastic part and two screws left over.

You shoulda seen me - cock of the walk. I bragged to Wife that I fixed it. I swaggered when I stepped. I jumped over the dog (tripping and spraining an ankle). 

After all that crap, I had Side Effects, completely unrelated to the keyboard: a new battery icon, greater difficulty with the touchpad, and an HDMI port that decided it too was going to bite the Big One. 

Keyboardwese, evetytngh's werknng fahn.

The head of the European Space Agency has urged the continent’s leaders to stop facilitating Elon Musk’s ambition to dominate the new space economy, warning that the lack of coordinated action meant the US billionaire was “making the rules” himself.

-- doesn't Musk understand WE want to make the rules? We better teach this young whippersnapper a lesson. No, we don't have any actual ships there, but that doesn't matter. Dammit.

Biden News  

RIP Bob Dole. They told Biden that 'Bob was going away on a long trip, ok?'

The video conference with Putin went well, after the staff explained to him that it's just like the talkies, and he can watch that guy with the funny accent. Afterwards they promised to take him to Disneyland.

• Noting the crippling ransomware attacks on worldwide businesses, worldwide businesses said, "[silence] NA NA NA NA NA NA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU NA NA NA NA"

Billy Joel referred to Taylor Swift as the Beatles of her generation.

Swift said that 'broke her brain.'

Billy was quickly hauled to the Happy Place<tm>, then scheduled for a hearing test.

• 'I had to move across America when I became allergic to the sun'
• all the poor lady had to do was to move to SE PA. We're allowed 2 days per week of the sun, maximum. We just crossed over from the hot and rainy season to the cold and rainy season

You're probably saying to yourself, "Gee, I'd love to build my own stun gun."

You're in luck.

This basic taser page has the info..

If you're even halfway decent with electronics, it's pretty easy. 

There's only a wiring diagram. It's a 9v battery into a stepup transformer (about $9).

Basic cautions apply. I don't want to hear your funny stories about tasing yourself.

Ok, I do.

• with all the cyber attacks and ransomware in the news, it's a great time to remind you to USE CASH. Don't give out any personal info. It worked perfectly well for a very long time and never got hacked. Robbed, yes, but no one got your details.

Nobody has seen anything like it... New York is running short of cream cheese.

Three Left Hands and Two Left Feet

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bizarrely crazy (or crazily bizarre) on command? I don't plan this stuff.. I sit down and type. The sarcasm comes naturally, but the topics.... I think I channel them. Like from some long-dead comic wannabe who is so incompetent in death, that he can only reach one person among the living. Unfortunately that person is me. Whether or not I'm living is another question entirely.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I steal all this stuff from some other unsuccessful blog.

• Greetings to my visitors from Ukraine. We go way back.. I knew you when you used to be The Ukraine.

I have already warned against the Ring video doorbells.
In my previous rant, they were given to police to shill in their neighborhoods, allowing 'video sharing.' Video sharing means warrantless surveillance. The icing on the cake comes with facial recognition plans, via a neighborhood watch app. Amazon itself has stated this is on its way.

The people shocked by 1984 agree that we're already in 1987.

You're already at risk with the Ring: anything that connects to the net should be bulletproof. Wanna make a bet the Ring is? Who has access to this data besides you?  Are you sharing data with the neighborhood, the police, and Amazon? If not (yeah, right), what is the legal process for the police to obtain the video? Sure, you could turn it over voluntarily, but what if you don't want to? With facial recognition, everybody's going in the database. Nothing good will come from any of this.  How do I know? The same way you do: look at our history... if something can be used, it will. No exceptions. This is another step in Surveillance Society. Like England, we'll not be able to go anywhere without being on camera - including our own front porch.  Combine this with our Alexas, and Amazon has our entire lives, with the police being one click away.

Before you say, "Let them watch - I have nothing to hide," understand that you are guaranteed freedom from illegal search and seizure via the Fourth Amendment (in the US, in theory). This also applies to phone/email/net spying, but that ship has sailed.




Dear lefty

• Why do they call it global warming when it's so cold outside?
• Because you touched yourself too much when you were little.

YouTube has a closed captioning option. I had no idea.
How did I find this out?
The dog.
She thinks she's the only thing allowed on my lap, which is unfortunate when I'm using my laptop. I removed her paws from the keyboard and discovered that she somehow managed to scroll to the bottom of the page and turn on CC. At least one of us has some brains.




In these days of Commercial Excess<tm>, Black Friday seems to be creeping up on us. Not because it's close, but because it keeps getting earlier. Bloody xmas decorations are up in stores, weeks before T-Day. Then the pre-Black Friday sales. Now the Black Friday sales the week BEFORE Black Friday. I got notice of these recently, days before the week before Black Friday.

Fair warning: next year, Black Friday will be on Valentine's Day, and you had better have the lights and tree up before the end of February or the Commercial Police will throw you in Retail Jail.

Last year we finally managed to get a tree up. And when I say finally managed, I mean we definitely stated we were going to have one up. Then it was definitely going up by xmas eve. Then xmas day, but screw it. This year we have agreed early that we're going to have a tree this year, so we'll have even more time not to put it up!  There was a lot to be said for those very silly artificial jobbies, that came right out of the box, complete with lights and ornaments already installed. All you had to do was locate it first (it had been in the way the entire year, so now you can't find it) and put on the single personal ornament you bought a few years ago, but haven't had a tree since, so it's new! You will also discover that you have two trees. You have no idea where the second one came from.

The sales flyers (all in email now) are coming fast and furious. One guitar company has been doing 50% off days. An amplifier website has 15% off everything. They're giving away pedals that aren't 35% off. I tell Mrs lefty about all the money I'm saving her with these sales, but she reacts the same was I do when she tells me how much she saved ME by buying 5 pairs of shoes instead of one.  Look at the advantages... you don't have to shop or wonder what I want, or stand in lines and fight the rest of humanity, many of whom have been up for 3 days on meth and think it's Easter. Simply click the online form, insert payment information, and they'll friggin deliver it, regardless of how much it weighs. If we feel nostalgic for in-person shopping, for a small fee they'll give the delivery driver some meth.



Speaking of saving money, I managed to find the same deal as last year, at Southpaw Guitars (THE lefty guitar store). By selecting a used guitar, I saved my wife $1,000! The $4,000 Custom Shop Fender 1956 Stratocaster reproduction is only $3,000 used, thus saving $1,000. I am willing to make the sacrifice for my wife.  It's at least what we spend on shoes....

Also speaking of which, Peets Coffee has a subscription plan, where you pick your favorite coffee and they'll send as many as you want at whatever interval you like. If you're serious about your coffee, their French Roast is the only thing I drink - highly recommended. If you aren't a dark roast person, they have light and medium, in all sorts of varieties, from countries you didn't know existed, plus teas. No, I don't get anything for mentioning them (the bastards).

• Black Friday deal from a local venue: Air Supply, Dancing with the Stars Live, and Teresa Caputo (aka Hair Helmet).
• No thanks, I'm having elective dental surgery those days.

According to a study, cows might produce better milk when fitted with VR headsets. The study failed when the cows were found tuning into humanality porn.

• Here's a mind-bender. George Harrison watching the Beatles performing 'This Boy'.

President Trump is designating Mexican drug cartels terrorists.
Oh great - War on Mexico. What could possibly go wrong?

• I just saw a listing of audiobooks. Among them was Playboy.
• How does that work?
• Well, you're not getting any, so look at pictures.
• You could listen to the audiobook, because you don't deserve to look at the pictures. You know it's over when......

Speaking of books, I found a few others....

Abnormal Psychology: I don't need a book. All I have to do is look around.
You Are Worth It: No, I'm not.
Why We're Wrong About Nearly Everything: ah, finally a present for your spouse
Facing Codependency: not without you I'm not...
Handbook of Forensic Psychology: learn how the dead think and feel

• Emoji are a vital part of online communication
• How long til they discover memes? Good God.....

Today I identify as bits of string



The FDA has granted permission for a studies of psilocybin for treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).  In other words, if you're seriously depressed, ask your doc for shrooms, man. The FDA's carefully considered medical decision is brought to you by the MMB (Mushroom Marketing Board).

While we're on the subject, another study found that a dose of ketamine may cut down on problematic drinking.  By making the person so stoned, they can't pick up a glass.


India's prime minister has said defecating in the open has ended in rural India.
He is competing for the $150 million contract for California.

• Very large water main break in San Francisco: governor passes law against water main breaks because it might clean the shit off sidewalks, which is racist.

Heroes of the Stupid

An Australian firefighter has been accused of arson.
Firefighting attracts arsonists like priesting attracts...well, you get the idea.


Amazon pulls Aushwitz-themed Christmas Ornaments (?)




SJW Stunts

• To fight stigma, New Zealand is opening an HIV-positive sperm bank.
• New Zealand tax dollars also used to open the first Ebola-positive pancreas bank.

Elizabeth Warren introduced a bill that would revoke Medals of Honor from US soldiers involved in the Wounded Knee Massacre on 1890. This is the kind of prompt action you can expect if you vote for her, the 1/6400th Indian African American candidate.

Imaginary Interview: Mike Nesmith

From time to time, ThermionicEmissions interviews interesting people, usually ones who play guitar. Imagine that. So far Justin Currie (Del Amitri) and Jimi Hendrix (Jimi Hendrix) have appeared in these pages. Unfortunately the interviews are all one-way because.... can you see me trying to contact Jimi? Justin? "Hey, man, big fan. Would you do an interview for a blog with several actual readers?" Or "I thought you were dead, man..."

Inspired by a recent interview video on YouTube, I figured Mr. Nesmith (Nez to people who know him. I don't know him.) would be a prime target person of interest for the blog.

• Nez (may I call you Nez?), it's so great to see you after all these years. I'm not sure what it is that's different.. must be the hat. No, wait, we're related (one pair of chrome domes).

• Congrats on that Liquid Paper thing - your mom was a genius.

• Where did the hat come from? Was it after a meeting of the Executive Committee? Did you know that your concessions don't sell the proper shade of green? And no choice of buttons.

• You mentioned you're not a collector, even of guitars. What are/were your favorite guitars over the years? What is your desert island guitar?

• The guitar-centric interviews always talk about guitars, but what about amps? I saw some old footage of you guys, dressed in white. You were playing a 3 pickup SG (LP) through what looked like a combination Marshall and Acoustic(?) speaker setup. Did you enjoy that? Where are you on the tube/solid state argument? What is your desert island amp?

• Some of the Monkees interviews have taken time and experience into view, specifically about the external producers/band as a product years. You put your hand through a wall during a meeting with Don(nie) Kirschner. Can you tell me about that, along with any differences in your thoughts today?

• Joanne is a song that really resonates with me. Can you tell me how it was written - by experience, perhaps? Did your writing methods change during and after the Monkees?

• Aside from the obvious differences, how do your solo work performances compare to Monkees shows? Have you ever been chased by adolescent girls after a solo show?  <-- this is what we call a setup

• I write some mean parodies but can't seem to cross over into serious songs. The parodies go over well but I think it's time to add real songs to the resume. Any advice?

• Did growing up in Texas prepare you for stardom and fame around the globe?   <-- this is also what we call a setup, or a Really Dumb Question.

• Does the quality of groupies change over the years? Do you have any film? Regale us with stories, please. Are the STDs any better or worse these days?

• There were Monkees feuds over the years: how do you view them and what are your thoughts on them now, in light of 50% of the group missing?

• You and Frank Zappa always strike me as being too cool for the room, but not intentionally. You're both bright, but tell me why I get that impression. I know Frank appeared on a show and in your movie, Head.

• How could/should Head have been made differently? Would it include less of Certain Substances in the writing process? Do you ever see Jack Nicholson these days? Speaking of Certain Substances, do you ever see Jimi Hendrix these days?

• Were you ever inspired to stand in front of a wall of Marshalls and pull a Jimi? Did you ever get the Purple Haze riff down after he showed it to you?

• Aside from Jimi and the Beatles, what other rock royalty did you meet? How about Jeff Beck? Would you guys sign my #1 Strat?

• You guys are pretty humble in your talk of the Beatles, but they threw a party for you, partied with you, you saw them record, and you outsold them at one point. Do you have any further comment on that? The four kings of EMI are sitting stately on the floor....

• How could anyone drive the Monkeemobile with that huge intake thingie coming out of the hood? Didn't it obstruct the view (or was that the idea)?

• You were (and are) a serious hero to many kids growing up in many generations. I know you were to me. You don't think highly of yourself as a guitar player, but you were very influential. What do you think about that?

• If you could be a lawnmower, what kind of lawnmower would you be?

Thanks so much, Nez. We'll be looking for you on tour with Mickey and solo.

The Perils of Home Recording

A long long time ago, in a musical comedy galaxy far far away, three guys got together to perform song parodies.  They weren't exactly a band and they weren't exactly a comedy act.  In fact, they defied categorization.  But they were pretty funny.

Way back then, if you wanted to do song parodies, you needed a bunch of talented musicians, a recording studio and a talented engineer.  Having very few of these, the guys decided to buy the remnants of a recording studio where they recorded their previous output.

The equipment was large.  It took up the better part of a bedroom.  It cost an exorbitant amount. The mixing board was so heavy it took five people to move it.  The reel to reel tape deck used half inch tape and recorded up to eight tracks; more than the Beatles had at their disposal during the early years.

It's been many years since the purchase of all that gear.  It still resides at various houses, in various states of disrepair.  We stopped recording and doing comedy because the market went to hell.

---------------------------------------------

An opportunity came up recently to 'put the band back together', as it were.  A rocker is having a party and we were going to submit a tribute in the form of a parody.  This would take place over two nights; a writing night and a recording night.

Writing went well, which left recording.  One of us went out and purchased an all-in-one recording device a few years back.  This one device, somewhat larger than a briefcase, replaced every piece of equipment in our former studio, plus it gave us more tracks and effects.  You could carry it under one arm (ain't technology grand?).  Again, we had more horsepower than the Beatles did during the greater portion of their recording career.  But let's face it - we were no Beatles.

----------------------------------------------

Recording night came around quickly.  The only problem with the recording device was that no one had the faintest idea how to operate the thing.  Back in our recording days, we had no internet and few places to turn for help.  Now we're in the twenty first century and it's all about the internet.  A short search turned up the manual download for the recording device and it was downloaded.  I studied the manual valiantly, hoping I'd retain the information when the time came.  Of course, anything having to do with retention is pretty funny in my case.  I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat and the retention of a two-year old (on a good day).

We set up in my living room, as that was the single patch of floor available in the house.  We're not going to be featured on an episode of Hoarders but we're headed in that direction.  As I mentioned, the original studio took up an entire room and was soundproofed.  The living room... well... not so much.  Plus we had a lot of assistance, in the form of a wife and a particularly precocious spaniel.  We have no idea how large a place they would have in the session until shortly after we started.

The first order of business was to get backing instrumental tracks onto the recorder.  This being 2014, the tracks were streaming through an iPhone (not mine, of course - I use android).  We set up the system and got right to recording.  When I say got right to recording, I mean we had to send someone to Radio Shack (you've got questions, we have silly looks).  Twenty dollars and thirty minutes later, we had enough cabling to tie the lot of us up and send a signal from the iPhone to the recorder.

About thirty seconds into recording, the iPhone went off, totally scrubbing the take.  No problem.  A little laughter and a reset later, we were off to Take Two.  A minute later, the iPhone rang again.  I looked at the iPhone owner and told him, in my best superior voice, that an android phone wouldn't keep ringing in the middle of a recording (untrue, but makes a great story).

The iPhone owner suggested Airplane Mode but let's face it - that would kill the streaming.  So he turned off all of his notifications, buzzers and bleeps.  

Take Three: this time the phone waited two whole minutes before the text message came in.  Apparently he hadn't turned off all of his buzzers.  Take Four finally made it through the recording maze without any interruptions.  We were so happy, the singer tripped over his own headphone wire and fell down, pulling the cable out of the headphones.  Fortunately for him, Koss made his headphones with a plug on both ends of the cable, so no damage was done.  This was a happy accident, like the fact that every appliance maker puts out devices that turn themselves off automatically (or my house would have burned down years ago).

Next it was time to record the vocals.  We got all set up, hit Record and got right to it.  At precisely this moment, my wife went outside for a cigarette.  First there was the terrible screech of the door opening. Then the grating sound of the sleigh bells that she put on the door for notification purposes.

Take Two went swimmingly until the moment the singer looked odd and kept pointing downwards. Apparently the dog had taken the opportunity to eat some of his crunchy food, five feet from the microphone.

Take Three sounded really good until my wife got up and went into the kitchen to wash some dishes. This was compounded by her Mobile Percussion Instrument (the sixteen bracelets she wears on one arm, that jangle horribly whenever she moves).

We were starting to miss our very old technology, as well as the soundproofed room at about this time. It became necessary to explain recording and the concept of SILENCE to the wife (insert wife joke here).

Take Four was pretty successful, if you don't count the ridiculous display of thrashing about and groaning really loudly from the local fuzzy spaniel, who was sitting in someone's chair at the moment.  Fortunately it was far enough from the mic that it didn't get onto the recording.  Twenty years from now,  someone will pull up the vocal track to this song, isolate it and will hear all sorts of Doggy Orgasm noises competing with the singer.

Take Five went well.  No, really... it was a keeper.

Take Six was only interrupted by the dog again; this time slurping water from his bowl.

We were one minute from sending the dog AND the wife upstairs with some crayons to keep them busy for a while.  We were not beyond welding doors shut.

An hour later, with no falling, Doggus Interruptus or Wifus Car-Revving Noises, we had a semi-professionally produced song, ready for sending.  The recorder had a built-in cd burner, so I burned a few copies, after consulting the manual.  What the manual also mentioned, many pages later, was that you had to first burn the disc, then finalize the disk.  It was intuitive (assuming you designed the device and wrote the manual for it).

Which is how I engineered the most recent parody that's going to make some serious noise.

The recorder is now old school... the new ones are all computer and software based. Sometimes I miss  playing and recording.  Then I remember the smelly, dingy bars and too many takes of one track and sometimes I don't miss it at all.

Joe Walsh - Analog Man

I'm a big Joe Walsh fan from way back.

It's rare to find a rock star who shares so many of my passions: tone, tubes, lunacy, ham radio, guitars, and writing.  It's also rare to locate a writer whose melodies stick inside my head in a forever kind of way.

We haven't heard any solo Joe since 1992's Songs for a Dying Planet, which would be our loss.  Joe's back with Analog Man, which was, of course, recorded digitally.  The title refers to being an analog man in a digital world.  There's a great line about having to ask a ten year old how to operate something.

Joe has loosely joined the extended Beatles family by marrying Ringo's sister-in-law (or something like that).  Ringo appears on two tracks.  But nothing says Beatles like being produced by the Invisible Beatle, Jeff Lynne.  Usually Jeff's sterling production is stamped all over the songs in a very sonically apparent way.  Fortunately this is not the case here.  Don't get me wrong - I like Jeff Lynne as a musician, writer, singer, and player.  And occasionally a producer - he has done some great work.  One Day at a Time is pretty heavy Jeff.  The combination of the acoustic guitars and too heavily compressed clean guitars leaves no room for guessing.

So what's new?  Joe has stopped drinking.  You can tell from the song titles and a bit of listening that he is a happy ex-drunk: Family illustrates this well but not in an over-the-top way.

I got on the mailing list so they notified me that today was the official release.  Joe himself will be appearing in New York, but unfortunately at an Apple store.  If I go anywhere near an Apple store, I may melt and don't want to take that chance.  My browser broke last time I had to go to apple.com and I'm still trying to clean out the smoke.

What I'm looking for from the new release is the same thing I'm looking for from any Joe Walsh music: some tunes that will not leave my head.  Melodies that get stuck and will be replayed forever, like Indian Summer and At the Station.

Want some familiar, radio-friendly Joe?  Funk #50 would be your tune, complete with hooks you might already know.


Joe: thanks for being part of the soundtrack to my life.  Stop by when you're in Philthydelphia (no dates scheduled) or drop me a line.  We'll talk tubes and you can try to convince me to learn code  :)

Fun News from the World of Music

From the Unlikely Suspects department, did you know that Hulk Hogan almost played bass for Metallica?

George Harrison's son, Dhani, discovered what sounds like a sketch for a lead on the original Here Comes the Sun tracks.  He is shown with Sir George Martin and his son.

For reasons upon which I would rather not speculate, Ozzy Osbourne is giving away a free colonoscopy.

Since it's borderline illegal for the mainstream media to mention Ron Paul, here's a bit from non-mainstream media about celebrity endorsements. [hint: he's got them]  The question remains what to do with off-center endorsees like Snoop Dog (or worse, Gene Simmons)


I just discovered Brad Pitt is roughly my age.  Yet he continues to be very good-looking.

----------------------------

Bevilacqua and Paterno took the easy way out.
Discuss.