What is the Airspeed Velocity of Congress?

 Your love is like  painful constipation

Door-opening cicadas?

H-bombing Bumblebees

Gun-shooting cats (not really a surprise)

Tunnel-Boring Giraffes

Sort of related: drones that hunt down humans by listening to their screams.  Ummm.... what if they're not screaming? Do they drop $1500 hammers on them? Are they preceded by notification that the Masked Furry has been canceled?

Today I identify as  Siamese twins

• Your iDevice is taking pictures of you, without your knowledge or permission 

US House Rep Mo Brooks tweeted his Gmail password and PIN Sunday.

How?

He had it on a yellow sticky on his monitor, of which he took a picture.

This is the worst negative stereotype in the IT world.

People like this shouldn't be allowed near computers. It's 2021, people. Computers aren't new.

Cyber athletes to form US Cyber Team

can you imagine?

I have a preliminary list of games....

• the 500 minute gaming chair sit
• fastest involuntary Windows reboot
• largest consumption of Monster drink in 60 seconds
• pass the browser cookies
• 100 second login sprint

Are you still using Gmail? Check out the 11 best Gmail alternatives  

[HINT: Protonmail]

50 years ago, NASA relaxed quarantine rules from returning Moon missions.

However, we still scrub down the Moon-bound ships so we don't contaminate the poor Moon

Can you imagine the Moon contaminated by...

• the Flying AIDS
• Cardio B - Top Hits radio
• the common cold, which would kill the Moon aliens
• the Masked Furry
• Chinese-made American flags

You know when they land, Elon Musk will be there, waving at them.

So that Alzheimer's drug the FDA approved that they shouldn't have?

Since the FDA’s approval yesterday, researchers and pharma watchers have called the agency’s decision “disgraceful,” “a grave error,” and a “dangerous precedent” that will end up “eroding confidence in the agency as a whole.”

Can you imagine confidence in the FDA eroding?

"Wait," you say... "That ship already sailed?"

• ThermionicEmissions would like to sincerely apologize: the Bay of Pigs was not Rob Reiner's pool party. We have made a note and it will not happen again.

The dog seems to take some strange pleasure out of making me work.

Two days ago she disembowled one of her stuffed animals, but instead of stuff, it was little plastic balls. I spent a while getting them up with our single cooperative vacuum.

And last night, there was another pile of little plastic balls.

Add these to the pile of toys she keeps at the foot of the couch, and you have Pretty Penny, the Dirt Dog.

I know dogs aren't supposed to have these kind of emotions, but it happens every time. Somewhere, somehow, she earned her Vacuum Badge.

She also got hold of a Lindt white chocolate truffle, wrapped. She's been carrying it around for days. I don't know about you, but if there's a Lindt truffle near me, it's going to be eaten immediately, not carried around. Maybe she's saving it for the right moment. Maybe she hasn't figured out how to unwrap it. She can open a peanut shell, eat the peanuts, then spit out the shell. 

She's a complex dog.

Inanely complex.

Good thing she's cute.

• Chipotle is raising prices to offset its $15 minimum wage hike
• isn't that nice? people demand an exorbitant wage and the customers pay for it

I'm a victim of Microsoft Teams. Sometimes I have to amuse myself.

I wait til my friend is in Presenting mode, then send an email with the subject: herpes treatment

If the settings are just right, 'herpes treatment' pops up on their screen, while they're presenting.

(There is only one person who doesn't think it's hilarious)

• Breast Implant Illness is a thing?
• don't test the theory - perhaps you should stop putting bags of silicone under your skin 

I think my fridge does stuff while we're asleep.

We haven't caught it yet, but something's always out of place.

Wife thinks it does stuff around the house.

I think it goes places.

Some say you go places in your dreams.

Imagine going somewhere and running into your fridge...

I wonder.... is the fridge somehow involved in hiding the mustard?

There's this phenomenal horseradish mustard that's the only thing we use. It's so strong, it will singe your nose hair. In case you're wondering, that's a good thing. You never realize how many things require mustard until you're out of it. Sliced turkey sandwich? Mustard. Corned beef and cabbage? Mustard. 4 day tenderized breast of transmission? Mustard. Roast beef sandwich? Mayo. [NOOOOOOOOO... that's just not right. you don't put mayo on beef].

Only it's been really difficult to find lately. We have 3 local stores that 'carry' it, and when I say carry it, I mean we find it there once in a while. Maybe we put it in the fridge and it pushes the bottles to the back, where we can't find them. Especially me.. men can't find anything, anywhere. So when we open the fridge, if it doesn't personally fall off the shelf and hit us in the eye, causing the police and emergency room to get involved, while we deny anybody at all, specifically our spouse, hit us. We swear - it was the mustard. We couldn't find a huge turkey in the fridge. We're just not equipped to look for things. I think it's evolutionary. When we were cavemen (and cavewomen, and everybody was binary), men went out hunting. We had to find bison, deer, and wild soda. These were large. We had no trouble seeing them. When we brought them home, the women did something with them that made them virtually invisible. Little has changed. Then when we learned where things went, she changed it. So we already can't find things and it's now worse because she moved (hid) them. 

I'm just going to call the mustard place and have them ship me a case.

While this sounds like a smart move, the same thing is going to happen when we finish the last bottle. 

While trying to find the mustard, the fridge threw up some additional barriers, in the form of road closures. I would never complain about road work, but it just seems like you can't get there from here. If the road has a number on it, like 476, 29th, or 666, it's under construction and traffic is at a standstill. Some of the motorists have a rolling game of Yahtzee going. The older drivers are sitting around, talking about their favorite hobby, going to the doctor. Even the assholes, who will literally point a gun at you if they think you cut them off, are hanging out with the old folks, crying about their misspent youth and wanting their mothers. If you can find a way to make a U-turn, it's only going to become gridlocked in that direction too. The exit for the store that carries the mustard is closed. So someone buys a convenience store sandwich, gets 100 yards from the house, then has to go to the other store that carries the mustard, because the sandwiches required mustard. All of this is going on at 2pm, which is not rush hour, even for Philthydelphia. Browsing the website, I see a ton of horseradish products, none of which is mustard. I could have a sinking feeling, but no, they'll just ship me some personally.

Aaaaaaaaaaand it's fscking discontinued.

Mind you, the traffic won't be discontinued - just my mustard.

This is the kind of rollercoaster ride you get here at ThermionicEmissions. You experience it as I do. You feel my disappointments. You'll feel my triumphs too, as soon as I do.

• Fauci says when you attack me, you are attacking science.
• Nah, just your competence and salary.

The acting head of the Transportation Security Administration has issued a memo warning that 131 of the nation’s largest airports will face staffing shortages this month while asking office workers to volunteer to assist with airport checkpoints.

Because office staff has no training, it should put them on equal footing with airport staff.

They will need some direction....

• Here is where you fondle them
• Tell them no one will see their xray, then go behind the wall and look at it
• Tell them any amount of liquid is over the maximum and confiscate it
• Tell every 20th passenger they're on the no-fly list, just for fun
• If you find anything interesting, tell them they can't fly with it and take it home
• let any explosives or guns through - things have been boring lately

 

Last issue I said I wouldn't ask readers to contribute money or buy me stuff on Amazon. It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I didn't say Reverb or Lark Street Music, they were implied.

So today I told Mrs. lefty I had a difficult choice and sought her help.

Did I want the $1200 lefty Brian May (Queen) guitar or the lefty 1957 Stratocaster, which is refinished, so it's only $17,500. I'm leaning toward the Strat. Mrs. lefty was leaning in the other direction. Quickly.

I get the distinct impression I'm not getting either.

I tried explaining that a craftsman or musician is only as good as his tools. I bought Craftsman tools because they were very good and lasted. So why should I settle for $600 guitars? Mind you, she is the same person who told me to get the laptop I really wanted because I'm usually attached to it.

So I'm not getting horseradish mustard OR a ridiculously expensive guitar.

Life could be much worse.

Close That Window When the Boss Walks By

Most people hate Mondays.

Some people hate their jobs.
I'm an exception (as usual).
Last night I logged into work to check something and also answered an email from The Boss.
Within a few minutes, The Boss thanked me for answering so quickly, but drove home that there is absolutely no requirement to answer mail outside of my hours.
This is why I love my job (and The Boss).

• The maximum penalty for importing bear bile into Australia is $100,000.
• this will be on the quiz

Dear lefty:

• Do you have a middle name?
• Yes

RUN - don't walk
To see the epic, the show stopping, the viral...
The Empire Strips Back - A Star Wars Burlesque Parody

Somewhere, in a dark place, a sociologist has blown his head off.

• It's not that I've spent a lot of time watching Monty Python, but I remembered a line that started, "Yeah, alright." I'm sure this qualifies as some sort of emotional disturbance.

Speaking of remakes, 20th Century Squirrel presents Catharine the Great, featuring members of her family you might not know about: her mother, Magnolia the Somewhat Less than Great, her father, Herbert Who Put the Fun in Funeral, and her brother, Ivan the Terrible.

• The dog's breath has been suspiciously minty fresh for a few days. Apparently she has a stash of Life Savers somewhere in the house.

Ah, the good old days, when you had to really try to shut down your airport. You pretty much couldn't do it pre-TSA. Now all you need is a drone, or in the case of South Carolina, a naked lady running around the terminal. I'm not entirely sure what kind of risk a naked lady represents, but I guess it can't hurt to be at the airport when she makes her move.

• Baked beans on toast? Toast with only one side toasted?
• Remind me not to be British.

Hey - do you use VFEmail email?
You probably don't anymore.
In an unprecedented event, a hacker got into the system and deleted everything, reformatting the servers. Not satisfied, they also got the backups. The owner seems unlikely to start back up from scratch. As of now, some can log in and use the service, but all historical data is gone. What kind of person......

• When you take the test for your pilot's license, do you have to parallel park?

Dear lefty:

• Should I collect trolls?
• Perhaps collecting anthrax would be better for you.

When you're in a restaurant or getting on a plane, ask for the No Screaming Baby section.
I made the mistake of forgetting this the other night. Our favorite restaurant for our anniversary. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  WAAAAHH.  SCREEEEECH!

I know now that you cannot assault the child. It's much more fun to go after the parent.
I asked the waiter if he'd throw drinks on them for a $20. He said he'd do it for $5.
Constant shrieking. Parents completely oblivious. Somebody took matters in their own hands and tried to out-yell the baby, momentarily interrupting the Screech Tirade. It worked (for approximately 20 seconds). Finally one of the parents was properly motivated (embarrassed) and took the child outside, looking none too happy. I heard applause, but it was muted applause. You know, cuz we're civilized or some such shit.

He makes a point..

Hey Hey We're the Monkees (again)

Never mind that someone had a baby in England; we saw the Monkees again.

Their Philly stop was at the Mann Center, a great venue in a bad neighborhood.  It is also proof positive that Philly is a screaming cesspool.  Some genius scheduled some sort of run at the same time, so traffic was a complete nightmare.  It must have taken an hour to get down the street and into the venue.  This was burning up valuable Monkees Time, turning what was left of my mood to black.

We managed to get seated seconds before the boys hit the stage, missing the entire pre-show video montage.  These fellows make very good use of video and traditionally have.  It ran during the entire show and was almost interactive in spots.  Not bad for the Pre-Fab Four.

The show wasn't seriously different from last year's mini tour; just expanded a bit.  The weather must've been quite a shock for the guys.  It was just short of ninety degrees with disgusting humidity (welcome to Philthy!).  They joked repeatedly about how cold they were, all the while toweling themselves off.

I had my Galaxy S3 and my buddy took his iPhone.  My pictures were craptastic, barely in focus at best.  I remember looking over the phone then looking at the phone to compare the scene.  We had tremendous seats but the pictures look like we were really far away.  This might be a physics thing - I have no idea.  I did manage to get a video of Daydream Believer, where they brought a guy and his son up to sing.  This turned out decently in terms of audio, as everything else I recorded was way overloaded.  The video was crappy.

My friend's iPhone exhibited the same crappy picture effects, albeit a litte closer and more clear.  The videos were much better.  Much as I hate to do it, I have to give the video advantage to the iDevice.

My poor wife suffered from the humidity.  On the way out, it started raining and we got quite a display of lightning.  Then we started our Sherman tank and began the exit routine, dutifully plowing our way through the completely unmarked parking lot onto the completely unmarked streets.  As part of their Neighborhood Beautification Project, they removed all the street signs.  The traffic was not only unbearable, it was quite dangerous, as people were simply driving anywhere they felt like.

All of this beauty was brought to us care of a fifteen dollar fee to park.  It's not enough we paid the userous price for the concert tickets - we had to pay a further amount to sit our car there for two hours.

Below are a few pictures but they're pretty bad.  I would post the video but it's huge.  Maybe later on YouTube.

It's early in the tour - you should really get tickets and see the show.  It's very entertaining for fans and newbies alike.

Well It's (not) Flooding Down in Texas

No serious musician can read that without hearing Stevie Ray Vaughan tearing it up.

As it turns out, it's not flooding or even raining or misting in Texas.  It's a regulation mess.  They need the water.

The irony here is that the Philly area has had more rain than they can deal with.  Chicago has had more rain at this point than other entire years.  Texas can have all of Philly's rain, as far as I'm concerned.

I am not a climatologist, weather forecaster (although chance is almost as accurate), or marine biologist, therefore I cannot being to figure out where to place the blame for this horrendous weather.  As we say here, it's not a climate - it's a plague.

We recently had an earthquake on a Monday.  By Friday we were in Total Panic Mode<tm> over an impending hurricane.  The hurricane was more news fury than damage (thankfully), except for several inches of water in the basement. 

I am also not an excavation specialist or basement magician, yet my task was to remove the water from the basement with the aid of a wet-vac.  As it turns out, water is very heavy, especially in five-gallon containers.  I spent the next three days feeling like I was run over by a small fleet of eighteen wheelers.

Just for fun, the area got five and a half additional inches of rain last night.  While this isn't too far from the norm, there is simply nowhere for the water to go because it won't stop raining.  Hence the lovely happy voicemail from my wife on the ride in this morning (since I moved from Verizon to T-Mobile, calls tend to go to voicemail), stating that we got more water in the basement, this time encroaching on our freezer at the far end.

Water eradication used to be an easy task years ago.  The water stopped pouring into the basement after we re-graded the soil outside.  The remaining puddles lefty via the sump pump.  This worked perfectly and automatically, therefore the township had no choice but to start inspections, insisting that all sump pump evacuation routes be blessed by the county (looking up, reverentially).  We actually had to let them into our basement to see that our pump was correctly installed.   Since the pump drained into the sink, we were ordered (HEIL!) to spend five grand to have it drain into the street or remove it totally.   We removed it totally.

So I have that to look forward to after work.  Small wonder my back is trying to send me images of Texas and Arizona at this moment....

So aside from my own full-size olympic basement pool, the first order of the day was to get to work.  Normally a relatively easy task, I had no idea of the Herculean feat that would be required.  Fox News was already in Total Panic Mode<tm>, advising people to stay off the roads (although they hadn't yet announced that they were pre-empting their normal schedule to go wall-to-wall flood coverage).  Because it won't stop raining, there was simply nowhere for the water to go.  Because there was nowhere for the water to go, it pooled.  Because the water pooled, people tried to drive through it.  Because people tried to drive through the pools, their cars died in the flood (one of the first was a police car).  There are very few live brain cells in the Philly metro area, especially among its drivers.

One of my carpool signaled he would need a ride.  A few moments later, he texted that he would be running ten minutes late, as his recycling bin had ridden the rapids and he was out in a futile search for it throughout the county - he needed a hosing-off then a shower.  This fellow comes up with better and more creative excuses than a crack addict.

When I got my most recent car, it started snowing as I drove home.  To keep things consistent, carpooler #2 just purchased a car and she has to drive us to work through a flood.  Things only get better from here.

It's a twenty minute ride to work, normally.  When I say normally, I mean with no traffic, during summer recess, when there are no buses or parents taking their godforsaken brats to school, choking up the roads.  Since school just started, the ride went to forty minutes overnight.  When you add in flooding, it's anybody's guess.

Because of flooding, one of the major arteries had to be closed, dumping all traffic onto the small road we use to get to work.  It was jammed solidly for a few miles in all directions.  Total gridlock. 

To make things just that much more interesting, we had Stereo Cacophony.  On the right, we had the constant blaring of horns, from `helpful' people beeping at cars that were simply not moving.  Why do people beep horns at gridlock?

Even more unnerving and infuriating was the noise in my left ear, which turned out to be the new stereo, which was playing the new `music' from the new stations.  When I say total f-ing garbage, I'm not kidding.  The noise made me long for Britney Spears - it was that bad.  I didn't hear a single real drum for the entire ninety minute ride.  There was even a discussion of which we hated more, country music or rap music.  I noted that both terms are oxymorons.

I also realized that if I was lucky, I might be able to get a job as one of those guys in rap groups who looks angry, wears a wool cap, and says HEY into the mic every now and then.  It would suit my mood well.

To add to the hilarity, after the ninety minute car ride, the entire department was abuzz over fantasy football.  I have half a mind to go into the firewall and block the URL.

Certified Ethical Hacking?

The first reaction seems to be `isn't that an oxymoron?'

But no.  Oxymorons are words that don't belong together, like:

• Microsoft Works
• jumbo shrimp
• military intelligence
• congressional ethics

Certified Ethical Hacker is the name of a title that one earns, as well as numerous books and courses.  CEH is where one learns the tricks of the hackers so as to apply them to defense of the network.

In my case, my employer (the Twilight Zone<tm>) paid an awful lot of money send me to this course.  I've been there rather a long time and this is my first real course benefit.  Others would see this as the first time they let me out in ten years or so.

The company doing the teaching allows one to take the course in a number of ways, generally at their place.  Their place is generally a good idea, as trying to learn anything at all at work would be a near-impossible task, similar to dancing across a war zone, naked.

Unfortunately their place has two locations; each one more difficult to reach than the other.  Difficult may not be specific... let's just say that either requires over an hour's drive on a good day (for a twenty minute ride).  I allowed over an hour the first day, figuring that this was the most highly-trafficked route in the area.  Philly has done a tremendous job of ruining interstates, with both the turnpike and I-95 completely jammed by close to six hours of rush hour traffic daily.

Thinking I could outsmart the turnpike was, in review, rather stupid and naive.  Leaving over an hour for my trip did nothing but ensure that my drive would be frought with frustration.  In fact, the parking lot started over two miles from the actual exit.  We crept, ever so slowly, to the toll booth, where I inquired whether this was normal.  The nice lady taking the money said that contractors had closed some lanes so this wasn't normal.

Knowing that this Grand Journey taking over ninety minutes was not normal actually did nothing to make me feel any better.  I did almost hurt my neck due to shaking my head vigorously at the futility of it all.  Take the absolute busiest turnpike exit and close a few lanes here and there during rush hour - yeah, that's sheer genius.

I can't say enough about the staff, largely consisting of one stunningly attractive receptionist who got me in, seated, and situated in no time flat.  And off I went - learning.  To be truthful, it had absolutely nothing to do with the Otis Spunkmeier cookies, but they certainly helped.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED

Since it's just you and me, let me share something: it was roughly the early 1980's when I last parked my bottom in a classroom chair.  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) so I'm completely self-taught.

Years later I discovered I had Attention Deficit Disorder, which explained an awful lot.  It has also kept me from going back into the classroom until recently.  I just can't wait until the test for my certificate...

Boy was I pleasantly surprised.... the teacher was quite engaging, the material very interesting, and I somehow managed to keep my attention on the screen (large headphones covering my ears probably helped too).  The teacher was physically in San Antonio so technically I could have taken the course from anywhere.

Armed with that knowledge, I arranged to take the rest of the course from home.  I don't have any serious distractions and keep the room's door closed.  Thus far only the dog has stopped by to say hello.  This is a good way to learn (Marshall agrees).  I could also see this course being horrible if the teacher was boring.  Today's tornado probably didn't help either, although it missed by a few miles.

THE THINGS I CAN DO...

All of that aside, I am learning all sorts of new skills, none of which are particularly pleasant.  But the skills are very useful for network defense.  You would probably be shocked at the number of things hackers can do to your computer, some without even being near your computer.  I knew Windows wasn't exactly a secure operating system but some of this stuff is off the hook.  Another great reason to use linux (as if we needed one). 

Don't use wireless, while I'm pontificating.   WEP can be cracked in five minutes, WPA in about twenty.

We also learned about social engineering, starting with the phrase `there is no patch for human stupidity'.  This is truly the weakest link.  People are so generally helpful (or stupid) that they are your best shot for hacking, short of wide open systems.

I have refused to participate in electronic medical records, knowing what is in store (look at Sony).  This class made it worse.  Even the inevitable I told you so isn't going to make me feel better.

Caveat computor.