Your love is like Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius, going over the cliff again
As the Mars Lander landed, it let loose the ACME Mars Explorer.
Was it just me who saw that?
Ladies and Gentlemen, I come to you today on a matter of great importance: Toast.
I believe toasters specifically are a plague upon our great nation, as well as a conspiracy. The problem is that we're not sure who is behind it. Do we make our own toasters? That would be shooting ourselves in the feet. Is it another handy country on which we can pile the blame?
Let me explain: I have had an acrimonious history with toasters my entire life. A watched pot may never boil, but a watched toaster gives you no useful information. No matter what I put in the toaster or how I set it, everything burns. I could make the perfect piece of toast (no I couldn't) and the next day, on the same setting, it will come out black. I have yet to form a theory on why this is, but I'll do it right now, as I do most things, while I type.
First of all, the toast color knob is a fraud. If you looked inside, you'd find it wasn't hooked up to anything, but it has a happy face sticker on it. This is to symbolize the laughter the manufacturer gets from your toast burning and your overall unhappiness. Even on $400 toasters that people with too much money and odd facial hair buy, the control is there for fun. It gives the user some sense of control, without actually giving the user any control.
The infernal device works on quantum physics: nothing burns until you observe it. You can pop the bread down, wait 3 minutes, then inspect it, at which point you'll see no results. You'll think, "Oh, it must be warming up - I'll just leave it alone" and walk away. Unable to stop yourself, you look at it again,1 minute later, and it's coal. Not wanting to be beaten by a toaster, you put in another slice of something and vow to stand there, observing. A few minutes in, you see a tiny bit of golden color, indicating it's actually toasting! You clap, do the Happy Dance, then look back down, at your toast so black that it can't be identified. Einstein is spinning in his grave at this point. Einstein is getting rather tired of spinning and has had to get industrial grade spinners in his grave because he spins so frequently.
You call your boss and take one of your days off, because you're still not going to be beaten by a machine. This time you put in some wheat bread, which is much harder to burn, but you wouldn't eat if you were starving. We will not address where you got the wheat bread in the first place, other than to say it was hidden somewhere in the car and you're putting a slice in the toaster now. This time, you vow to keep on top of it and get it out before it becomes blacker than all of the emo chicks on the videos on tv. You stand and watch. And watch. And look at the timer, which also has an interesting relationship with reality. You know that if you take your eyes off the toast to look at the timer, the bread will burn. So you focus in on the bread, in a war you're betting you'll win. No matter what the screaming voices in your head tell you, you will NOT look at the timer. Even though the names they're calling you are more rude than the ones your friends called you in 5th grade. Don't worry, your mom told you.. if they didn't like you, they wouldn't call you names. 18 years later, you told your mom that your spouse loves you and doesn't call you those names. You showed HER. Unfortunately, Mom's completely out of her mind and just laughs a bit whenever you say anything.
Hmm... where was I?
Oh yeah, you're still giving your Toast Monitoring Activities 100% of your visual acuity. And it's still not even starting to brown. The voices are getting even louder, now using names your spouse calls you when they don't like you very much. They're insisting you check the timer. Maybe reality has compressed and it hasn't been 20 minutes since you pushed the bread down. Even the voice of Albert Einstein, who momentarily stopped spinning to tell you the logical thing is to check the timer. You can't do it. But you know you will.... your will is being chipped away by your indecision and lack of self-esteem. You can handle it no longer - it turns out to be 3 minutes. Phew. You look back and the toast is burnt. Again.
You go back to the car and get some of that Special Powder that makes the gas all clean and helps you think when you're particularly stressed. Now, you think to yourself, you're in a good spot to Tango with the Toaster. You decide to switch up and get a bagel. If you live in Philly, it's called a beggle. Your problem here is that no one or no device can slice a beggle so it will go in the toaster nicely. Sometimes the 2 halves are very different in size. Sometimes there are bits of the end which stick out just enough to get blackened before the rest of the round bastard starts to toast. Sometimes you almost cut your finger off because they're too hard to handle and cut at the same time. The real problem comes if they're onion or garlic beggles... most of them are onion or garlic on one side only, which sets you up for failure before you've even got the thing cut. If you can even find it within yourself to get the thing into the toaster, even if you've got it cut perfectly in half, all of the onion or garlic is going to burn, even if the beggle doesn't. Meanwhile you have an onion or garlic smell on your hands for the rest of the day (week?) that's worse than cutting fresh onions. This is why I eat my beggles without toasting them, even if they were in the freezer.
Next up: frozen, pre-sliced beggles. You pry the halves apart without ripping too much of the beggle apart and throw them at the toaster. Realizing this will fail quicker than a Cardio-B 1 hour tv show, you give up and put it in the slots. You set the timer, but this time you beat the voices: you duct taped over it so you can't see, even if you have to. You watch. You watch some more. You watch again. Nothing is happening. Even though it's been 43 minutes, it's not toasting. You know it's plugged in because the toaster wires are red hot. You tested this by burning several of your fingers on it. Still no warm glow of toast. Your phone rings, you grab it, annnnnnnnd your toast is black.
So. A watched pot never boils and a watched toaster never toasts.
You will not miss any more work.
You will not get any toast, unless you learn to like it as black as Dick Cheneys moods.
And you will no longer contribute to Albert Einstein's underground whirling motion.
- How to stop your emails from being tracked
Now that it's (temporarily) stopped snowing, the entire country is worried about what to worry about next. Never disappointing, here's a story of garden variety germs possibly making a comeback. It's nice to not have too much of a gap in our worries, isn't it? You could get a near-fatal nosebleed. You gotta figure there are a whole bunch of nasty things not happening as much, due to the Flying AIDS. So if you find yourself (temporarily) without something to worry about, I'll try to help
- robberies (inside social distancing boundaries)-they may have a gun, but you could have the Flying AIDS
- bus and train person against person rubbing
- long lunch lines
- gridlock
- injuries from sex in public places
- the boring old flu (last year's vaccine was under 20% effective - think about that)
- doctors giving you antibiotics for paper cuts and colds
.... includes a variety of features. It can lock or unlock the vehicle remotely, perform location tracking on the vehicle, enable the headlights or horn, adjust or activate climate control features, track destinations through the navigation system, provide the status of whether doors and windows are open or closed, and report the current fuel level.
I still have to find the modem and pull the plug on mine.
- Bored? Tax money just sitting there? Deficit not big enough? The semiconductor industry wants a bailout too.
- In the end, you can't blame business for wanting a boost. The real problem is the government that gives it to them.
- of course less burdensome taxes would help everyone, as would smaller government
Today the president reduced unemployment by sending the troops back out to war. Asked about Trump's major steps toward peace in the Middle East, Biden said he wanted to undo all the terrible things done by his predecessor.
- Having more friends may help female giraffes live longer
- of course it does - they get together, drink coffee, and shop like mad
- the study doesn't mention the life span for male giraffes decreases when they get the bills
Ghana scientists are gene editing sweet potatoes to make them healthier.
I'm all for some of these great gene hacks. But didja ever wonder what the back side of this is gonna be? We could be messing with nuclear fire. Can this bite us in the butt down the road? Will anything happen by making potatoes healthier? Yeah, we'll get healthier potatoes. But.... will it stop certain healthy insects from eating or otherwise interacting with them... causing another blip in the chain...? Is this stuff studied? Does the healthier gene carry anything negative with it? Will it turn us all into Roseanne and get us kicked out of our own family we started?
I worked with a dude from Ghana.
He borrowed a car from the pool over the weekend. A week later there were parking tickets from another state. He swore he wasn't in any other state.
So I'm wondering about this gene-editing scientist from Ghana, knowwhatimsayin?
- If there were ever a sentence that screams NO, It's "Listen to Post Malone cover Hootie & the Blowfish for Pokemon's 25th anniversary"
Today the Russians hacked some more and practiced blaming it on the Chinese. The Chinese got pissed and sent out the plans for the microwave the Russians are using to cook Americans in the embassy buildings. This thing causes headaches and nausea faster than a session of Congress.
For many, Facebook is their internet. Getting people off Facebook is like clearing a country, village by village; the history of clearances and forced migration is not good. --The Register
For the 27th time in recent memory, a drone got into Gatwick Airport's airspace. England's 2nd busiest airport has announced that it will stop accepting planes, effective tomorrow, and only play host to drones. "It's the safest thing to do," said Ernest Smeg, Airport Chief of Operations (and janitor). We're powerless to keep these annoying little buggers out of our airspace, and me mum always said if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
England's largest airport. Heath Bar Heathrow, replied that it had taken away Gatwick's key to the liquor cabinet and expected airplane flights to continue without interruption (at least until the next drone).
- Imagine if some of the unidentified things flying around in our skies are not ships - they're life forms.
- That should keep us from falling asleep for a good long time.
- The chief of the Cherokee nation says it's time for Jeep to stop using Cherokee and Grand Cherokee.
- I wouldn't want a car to be called "CIS-Hetero White Guy" so maybe he has a point. Aw, who am I kidding, I'd drive that car....
- Fry's Electronics is out of business - all stores closed.
- Fewer and fewer reasons to leave the house
- YouTube’s ‘supervised experiences’ help parents choose what content their kids can see
- bypassable by not signing in
- This telehealth thing is wonderful: now you can wait an hour for your doctor in the privacy of your own home.
