- split the IT news onto its own blog, so people don't have to read the other crap Consider it penitence.
- if you write one more cute dog story, I will hunt you down and put you on Faceyspaces. I surrender!
- didja ever consider black text on a white background? didja ever consider poison?
- You don't use your real name so you can be nasty and obnoxious. Untrue - my real name is nasty and obnoxious too.
- why don't you ever write about nice stuff? why don't you ever stop complaining?
- why do you think you're so funny? someone has to.
- why do you always complain about the weather? Because I finished complaining about everything else for the moment.
- you sound really paranoid. Come live in my house for a few days, then we'll see who's afraid the government is colluding with the ants to stop me from farting really loudly in public.
Dear lefty
England has a major crime wave on its hands. In the loud, prostitute-filled vacation town of Skegness, just yesterday, no fewer than five people said fuck. One person was found with a dull steak knife and faces life in prison. His wife was found with scissors and the police are in the middle of a four week investigation as to whether people should be allow to carry scissors without a concealed scissor permit. Every four months, there is an instance of scissor-related crime, which is now at epidemic proportions.
As if things weren't bad enough, a Birmingham man held up a bank. It's difficult to even say this.. with a piece of paper (shrieks!). He threatened to give paper cuts to the teller if she wouldn't give him everything in the till. The cruelty is beyond words. It was a tense, three hour standoff, because the police don't have any weapons available against a man threatening paper cuts. The Ministry of Defence has gotten an additional $4 billion pounds ($1.75 lbs American) to research and develop anti-paper cut strategies).
Police in Manchester are doing a door-to-door search of a block of flats because somebody went on the internet and called someone doodyhead. This is a serious breach of the anti-free-speech laws and just ruins everybody's good time on the internet. An entire construction crew was thrown in the pokey after a police informant observed them 'watching lasciviously as a woman walked by'. The crew is proclaiming their innocence by stating they didn't say a thing or make a noise. Yeah, boys, we know what you were thinking. That sort of thing is illegal in the UK.
Finally, a Lower super Mud woman was arrested for breach of the peace after she waved too loudly at her friend. Someone might be offended at the way she waved. We can't have all sorts of people waving willy nilly around here. The country is going to hell. This is why we have laws.
On a lighter note, taking advantage of understaffed, overworked police departments, someone stole all the Queen's jewels, raided the treasury, burned Parliament's powdered wigs, and stole all the men's bras and panties. Good thing they didn't say fuck.
p.s. why does the spellchecker pass willy, but not nilly?
NEWS YOU CAN'T USE
Dear lefty
- reader Janice Labia asks what's the point of having a junk drawer when they all become junk drawers?
- kinky sex.
WARNING: nice dog story
A Delaware family is alive today because of Greta. Greta is a German Shepherd the family rescued, dumped due to behavioral issues. At 3am, Greta went nuts, barking and whining, until Dad got up. He walked into the kitchen and discovered it was full of propane fumes. The entire house could have been lifted hundreds of feet in the air. Greta saved them.
The cause of the propane was one of the pets turning it on, trying to get somewhere. Our dearly departed can, Ren, did this. We had to pull the knobs off the stove so he wouldn't blow up the house.
Sometimes you rescue the dog. More often, the dog rescues you.
More animal news:
145 whales were found dead on the beach in New Zealand.
Dead sea lions are washing up on Puget Sound shores - with bullet holes.
The whales 'musta got lost and mass-stranded themselves.' Yeah, that's it - they mass-stranded themselves. They've been depressed for months. Every pod has that whale.. we'll call him Bob. Bob thinks he knows the best way to get anywhere, even though his 'shortcuts' add 35 minutes to every trip. Bob screwed up royally and steered the entire pod onto the beach, while trying to get sushi.
As for the sea lions, they discovered something on the Clintons and committed mass suicide. With their flippers tied behind their backs.
- Elon Musk, of the Idaho Musks, announced he's going to Mars.
- I'm making a list of all the people I'd like to send with him.
At our southern border, the caravan of illegals is lobbing projectiles at Border Patrol agents. Only in America (or just south) will you see this happen. They don't seem to be in a hurry to settle in any of the other countries they've passed through - just the one with the best Free Stuff<tm>. Only in America would we get called racist for not welcoming the right people with open arms (and wallets). I'm going to guess that Canada will not open all their borders to this entitled group, but keep in mind - we are the racists here.
Nobody lines up at the Russian or Israeli border demanding to be let in and given Free Stuff<tm>. I'm not suggesting we do the things they did to discourage this behavior, but we should probably move a little in their direction.
The other group up in arms is the legal immigrants, who did everything according to the laws of the land. They worked hard to become citizens and demanded nothing. They learned English, which some immigrants feel they don't have to. Why should entitled illegal aliens dictate the terms of their invasion/citizenship? I had to go through all sorts of paperwork when I immigrated (from Mars). Do you think it's a piece of cake? Have you ever experienced Saucer Lag?
Tijuana has declared a crisis as the illegals are getting attacked by Mexico's gangs. There have been protests against the presence of the caravan, which probably haven't been in the news. There's no gain in calling Mexicans racist.
Like him or not, you have to be impressed at the testicular fortitude shown by Trump. He sent troops and issued orders for lethal force, threatening to shut the border down entirely. I don't imagine too many other presidents would announce these actions: they're not politically correct, among other things. This will, of course, damage America's reputation further, as a Wild West being run by Adolph Hitler. Meanwhile, there have been no reports of other countries putting money into the Illegals Hat to help us vile racists out. [restating: I did not vote for Trump and I am not a Trumper.]
The libertarians like open borders. I disagree with them on this.
- about these sex robots and robot brothels... Artificial Intelligence (AI - the latest buzzword) will allow us to be rejected by robots too. We're living in the future, people.... One model is programmed to have a 24/7 headache.
According to some random UK newspaper, HIV cases could explode, due to Tinder users having riskier sex. Because nothing says sensible and safe like seeing someone's picture on your phone and deciding to have sex with them. Tinder should send Morning After Packets, with the morning after pill, penicillin, antivirals, and wet naps. Plus some condoms.. you know... as a joke.
- Sure I pick on the French - who doesn't? They are in Full Riot Mode due to a fuel tax. Stop and think about this... they're up in arms over a tax. In the US, we wouldn't notice it... we'd just turn the game up and continue posting cat pictures online.
- In the 60s, people vigorously protested The War. Now universities vigorously protest misgendering and microaggressions.
- Four students died in a protest in Ohio. Now, the brave children, hundreds strong, come together as one! (to demand that a speaker with different views not be allowed on campus).
- In the 60s, students did not want people in other countries to be murdered. In the 2010s, students would murder anyone who doesn't agree with them.
- The 60s protesters eventually grew up and got jobs. The 2010s... they are in for a rude awakening...
England has a major crime wave on its hands. In the loud, prostitute-filled vacation town of Skegness, just yesterday, no fewer than five people said fuck. One person was found with a dull steak knife and faces life in prison. His wife was found with scissors and the police are in the middle of a four week investigation as to whether people should be allow to carry scissors without a concealed scissor permit. Every four months, there is an instance of scissor-related crime, which is now at epidemic proportions.
As if things weren't bad enough, a Birmingham man held up a bank. It's difficult to even say this.. with a piece of paper (shrieks!). He threatened to give paper cuts to the teller if she wouldn't give him everything in the till. The cruelty is beyond words. It was a tense, three hour standoff, because the police don't have any weapons available against a man threatening paper cuts. The Ministry of Defence has gotten an additional $4 billion pounds ($1.75 lbs American) to research and develop anti-paper cut strategies).
Police in Manchester are doing a door-to-door search of a block of flats because somebody went on the internet and called someone doodyhead. This is a serious breach of the anti-free-speech laws and just ruins everybody's good time on the internet. An entire construction crew was thrown in the pokey after a police informant observed them 'watching lasciviously as a woman walked by'. The crew is proclaiming their innocence by stating they didn't say a thing or make a noise. Yeah, boys, we know what you were thinking. That sort of thing is illegal in the UK.
Finally, a Lower super Mud woman was arrested for breach of the peace after she waved too loudly at her friend. Someone might be offended at the way she waved. We can't have all sorts of people waving willy nilly around here. The country is going to hell. This is why we have laws.
On a lighter note, taking advantage of understaffed, overworked police departments, someone stole all the Queen's jewels, raided the treasury, burned Parliament's powdered wigs, and stole all the men's bras and panties. Good thing they didn't say fuck.
p.s. why does the spellchecker pass willy, but not nilly?
NEWS YOU CAN'T USE
- Data transfers from EU to the UK could become complicated post-Brexit
- So could blowjobs.
Remember when you have to go through a CAPTCHA to get to a web site?
I get all sorts of denials for all sorts of reasons. Users of TOR are CAPTCHA'd or flat out denied access to sites. Linux users can't get in because they're not using Internet Explorer. Today's denial was the best: The owner of this website (www.darkreading.com) has banned your access based on your browser's signature (47fd97022edac5fa-fie1). My browser's signature is only slightly more legible than mine. What the owner did was to ban use of Pale Moon - a browser based on Firefox. Is he afraid my browser will bring down the entire site? Date his wife? Force a paternity test on Jerry Springer?
Dear lefty
- Michael Coffetable, from Peoria, asks if the mass hysteria/hilarity of this blog is masking deeper negative feelings.
- Dear PeeOria: Fuck you and your entire family.
Sheryl Sandburg, Faceyspaces' High Muckety Muck, is under fire for her management style and ideas. She tried to manage the perception of each issue, as opposed to fixing the problem. I can't imagine why she's in trouble - this is the M.O. of every CEO in the world.
Faceyspaces is appealing its $644,000 fine for failing to protect UK users, when it gave their information out to app developers without permission. Faceyspaces is appealing on the basis that 'it's just not fair' to them: it sets a very bad precedent, in that they could be sued by anybody who wanted to sue them. Do we want to live in that kind of world?
- Shop online like a security pro, courtesy of Brian Krebs
Dolce and Gabbana, the online leader in Teledildonics (remote control sexual gratification devices), is in Deep Doodoo for anti-Chinese slurs around an ad campaign. Shmuel Gabbana, Marketing head, said their account was hacked. In fact every board member's account was hacked. This is the M.O. of corporations - every time you do something stupid, say you got hacked. The truth is that they were hacked - by the Chinese, who were pissed they didn't get the contract.
- Of course our darling dog has some health issues, as we heard during her first trip to the vet. She was treated as a celebrity for some reason. Of course she has meds. And of course, the staff told Wife that the meds are tasteless, but they know she will verify this when she tastes it herself.
- What else the vet staff know that I don't know?
In a fantastic feat of science, Earth landed a ship on Mars, to study the deep interior.
I can't wait for the results to start trickling in. We Martians are born with a wicked sense of humor, and we're ready to start pranking the hell out of them. The first thing they'll discover is Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-32 Explosive Space Modulator. As they probe the center of the planet, they will start to hear Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven over and over again (just like classic rock radio). The unmanned ship will finally leave the planet because it keeps getting blown 100' into the air at random intervals. We blew up the last two Earth probes with the Miley Cyrus Death Ray. With any luck, Earth won't send nuclear missiles to blow Mars up, like they did their own moon.
- FOR SALE: Robert Plant's Pictures at Eleven -first solo record, bought the day it came out (6/28/92). Record is in Excellent Condition, cover in Poor Condition (missing most of the upper right corner because Dog just ate it).
- FREE to a good home: I'll stop right here.
No comments:
Post a Comment