This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?
So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows? The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.
So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?" Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.
Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company
And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.
Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir). His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?
And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.
Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.
And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.
We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.
Dear lefty
- Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
- Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.
Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]
I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah
Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.
My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.
Seriously?
In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.
Seriously?
I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.
Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?
- We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.
Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.
During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely. No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call. Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.
- Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.
Dear lefty
- Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
- Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah
Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.
Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?
The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.
- Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop?
- Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?
Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.
- Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
- Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
- It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you.
Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).
- The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.
Guitar Players
Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender. If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.
Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.
If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.
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