Does A Brexiteer Wear Mouse Ears?

Florida News

A daycare worker was caught on camera throwing toddlers.
This is now a problem?

Florida man detains burglar by holding his iPhone like a gun until police arrived.
Thieves, like politicians, always send their best and brightest...



India plans to launch a lunar mission in July.
Yes, they're going to be the first fourth nation on the moon!
They're looking for water and other goodies, like all lunar visitors. And, according to Apu Nehasapetapetaloma, to open the moon's first Kwickie Mart.


CERN, the Large Hadron Collision people, just had their academic credentials from Microsoft revoked, causing a tenfold increase in license fees. As a result, CERN has a new effort called MAlt - Microsoft Alternatives. They're looking for open source software.

Let's see.... open source...  hmmmmm.... get rid of Windows and other MS software... hmmm.... I wonder what could possibly work for them....

In completely unrelated news, I upgraded to the latest version of Xubuntu linux (19.04) the other day and things are running better and faster.



Dear lefty:

• If Boris Johnson wins the election, will his 'hairstyle' become popular in the UK?
• No, but his teeth will.
• in North Korea, Kim ding Dong's hairstyle is all the rage (among people who wish to remain alive).

Ever since Obama, there have been charges of America sending billions of dollars to Iraq. Trump mentioned it too. I have a memory of the money being a return of money frozen by a previous administration. Anyone have a reading on this?

Speaking of Iraq, the warhawks are beating the drums again. We just sent a Rather Large Ship to that neighborhood. Whatever happened, we need to remain out of it. History shows the Powers That Be cause a False Flag event as a pretext to war (Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9-11).

• Toronto won its first basketball championship. No one knows how. It's the Jamaican Bobsled Team all over again. It wasn't easy -  they had to build stadiums and import black people.

According to the BBC, the countries using the Euro have agreed to have a common budget. What? Now explain how the conspiracy theorists are nuts because they refer to the coming New (one) World Order.

Shopping Time

My luck has been good lately, which was probably just setting me up for yesterday. Mrs. lefty had lots of shopping to do....

WALMART
Her: Could you tell me where the milk is? I can't find any.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't have any.
Her: Milk?
Them: Milk.

How could the largest vendor in the country not have milk?
It's like Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch....

Well, we don't carry milk here.
You don't carry milk? It's the single most popular shopping item in the world.
Not much call for it around here, Sir.

Her: How about yogurt?
Them: We have this yummy probiotic stuff.
Her: It tastes like particularly bad dog excrement. What else?
Them: Oh, nothing.
Her: You have a huge food department.
Them: Yes we do. Largest in the area.
Her: and all I'm asking for is normal yogurt.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't carry normal foods.

Her: Dare I ask about potato bread? It takes much longer to turn blue and fuzzy than white bread.
Them: Since you asked, we will no longer carry it.

Her: Snapple's on sale.
Them: Yes, but we don't have the flavor you want.


LOWES
Her: I just spent a long time trying to find a 3/8" ratchet.
Them: that's because we don't carry them separately. You have to purchase the complete kit.
Her: But I already have doubles of all the sockets.
Them: Now you'll have triples!
Her: You bought the name Craftsman from Sears, which stocked everything. Why don't you?
Them: Because we don't have to. Now STFU and go buy the complete kit.


This is why Mrs. lefty doesn't allow me to shop.

Decorating?

Didja ever walk into a house and marvel at the decor or style?

My parents' place is antiseptic, yet warm. Mom got it from her mom, who scrubbed the bathroom tile with a toothbrush.

The rest of the family has it all together, with different styles and lots of space.

Then there's our house.

There is no style. There is no decor. There's barely any space. At least the walls are painted. Our method is buy something and stick it Over There. Or put the groceries on the floor.  Nice poster, let's thumbtack it to the wall. Has anyone seen the dog?

We are two decor-impaired people. And one who is directionally-impaired.

But let me say something positive: The show Hoarders rejected our application because we have clear paths and the piles of stuff don't come past our knees.

We sit there and look around, trying to imagine how one would 'design' a room. The closest I've gotten is a fake lisp and imitation of one of those home design 'experts' from tv. Don't let the LGBTQrstuv lobby tell you they have no representation on tv: straights have no representation on home improvement shows. If any straight guys happen to wander onto screen, they look gay.

Let's say we like southwest decor. The closest we'd get is painting one wall salmon and another wall turquoise. Maybe putting out a token figurine skeleton that says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". Viola - Instant Decor.  

We are horrible examples. It's sad. Maybe we can start a GoFundMe to get us some decorating lessons. Let's face it - even with lessons, we'd find a way to make it ugly. I was thinking about having a person with decorating skills move in, but Mrs lefty says no. I'm sure it had nothing to do with her being stunningly attractive. The bonus would be someone to babysit me when Mrs lefty visits family out of town. But noooooo......

So until we somehow acquire skills, the house will remain Decor by Tornado.

The president recently celebrated a birthday.
In case you're curious what he got from other countries....


Kim ding Dong, Supreme Haircut, North Korea, sent a hand-delivered note.

Teresa May (RIP) sent the Trump Balloon
Boris Johnson said he couldn't make it.
The Queen said, "We ARE amused."

Mohammed Somethingorother, Lord High Poobah, Iran, issued a press release stating the door was closed for birthday wishes and he had a much better hat than MAGA.

Vladimir Putin, King for Life, Russia, said that Trump's birthday was adequate, but Soviets have much better birthdays and he could kick Trump's ass in any sport.

China, asked for comment, said, "Who Tlump?"
"China has the advantage on America because Chinese food is really McDonalds and Burger King. Suggest Tlump stuff egg rolls..."

Australia sent a card that said "Good on ya, Don," but the postal kangaroo died and the card never made it.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Acceptance, Canada, sent an autographed picture of himself in his newest minidress. Melania was horrified. Donald hung the picture in the Oval Office, proclaiming Justin the best Canadian ever, after the other 40 million. The other 40 million spat in a hat then refused to send it because Americans have guns.


It's a sad day when North Korea sends the best gift.

Go Ahead - Ask the Fat Lady if She's Pregnant

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for ten years gave birth.
In a vegetative state, gestation doesn't take ten years, so....
The facility has rushed to completely fix the situation, by requiring anyone going into female patients' rooms to have a female with them. The CEO resigned the day after this hit the news.

STOP IT

• In today's hacking news, over 1,000 records of German citizens and government officials were stolen. Das is not goot.

We get the good ones:

Last week we lit some candles, mumbled some words, then took the drastic step of running the vacuum. The dog was not happy. Not only didn't she like the vacuum, she didn't like a push vacuum. Fortunately she didn't like them silently. 

Within 24 hours, the entire floor was again covered in white stuffing, from stolen stuffed animals.

Last night, completely without candles, I vacuumed again (it's a record). Never complacent, within ONE HOUR, the dog had eviscerated a large stuffed animal, making the entire floor look like it had snowed. Does this mean I don't have to vacuum anymore?



Dear lefty:

• Is it true that looks don't matter?

Pigs Fly department:

A federal grand jury will hear evidence that 9/11 was a controlled demolition.

This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great. 

Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.

I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney. 

• Another thing police shows taught me: attractive people don't commit crimes.

Ancient Astronaut Theorists, at least the interesting ones who appear on tv, believe there's an Area 52 and a formation on Mars that looks like Stonehenge. I believe that things got way more interesting after the SJWs demanded Ancient Astronaut Theorists start including women. This caused mass disruption, when the fat, pimply Ancient Astronaut Theorists discovered there were now Ancient Astronaut Theorists with breasts. This is why, as of 2008, there has been very little heard from Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Some Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe this was a government plot to disrupt Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Since there are more female Ancient Astronaut Theorists, tv shows have seen a great boost in ratings (and female Ancient Astronaut Theorists have learned to use the phrase, "Hey, I'm up HERE.")

Where was I going with this?

Oh..
Yeah, I was thinking that Ancient Astronaut Theorists can find enough stuff on this planet before heading to Mars for more material.

• Explain Rush Limbaugh.
• Why is 80% of my weather gray and rainy?
• How's that search for intelligent life coming?
• Faceyspaces - this could take centuries!
• the popularity of reality tv, RuPaul, and Miley Cyrus
• why women are obsessed with their eyebrows
• Male Pattern Baldness

In completely not-related news, the History Channel is running a series on Project Blue Book. Of course they are - you can find anything you want on the History Channel, provided it's not history. There have been a few official projects over the years to deal with UFOs. What this means is to explain away UFOs. This is acknowledged. Project Blue Book was run to explain as many UFO sightings as possible, in a very boring way (even if it was clearly made up). The program 'explained' well over 90% of sightings, to avoid panic and so people could point at ufo investigators and laugh.

Yes, UFOs have been investigated for over 100 years. No, the results aren't available to us, unless they can be easily explained away. Even Roswell has had three official explanations. Temperature inversion and the ever-popular swamp gas were some of the ridiculous explanations for sightings.

J. Allen Hynek was a scientist brought into Project Blue Book to help explain away as many sightings as possible. As he continued investigating, he realized the phenomenon was real and became a 'believer'.  He will pop up in the show and had a cameo in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Ask yourself why someone who has seen and studied UFOs is called a believer. And why there were official projects put together to discredit ufo sightings.

• A Scottish woman has suffered chemical burns after being given male erectile cream for a dry eye.  No, it will not keep you awake all night.

A Nebraska man, declared brain-dead by doctors, woke up after the family's decision to 'pull the plug.'  Turns out he suffered from a rare condition called posterior reversible encephalopathy syndrome. That's gotta be slightly embarrassing to the family. Gee, sorry, Dad... we didn't mean to kill you.. really - they told us you were a vegetable. 

• You heard it here last: Sears is closing all its stores.
• People older than me remember the Sears Catalog. We remember shopping at a number of Sears stores and outlets. The only positive thing about this is that Craftsmen tools are now available at Lowes. RIP.

Why use TOR?

Because even though you have nothing to hide, you are still entitled to privacy. It's very difficult (but not impossible) to track people who use TOR. You can browse through it on your pc and phone (any operating system). You can check email through it. Consider it just like what you're doing now, except it may be a hair slower, but you're regaining your privacy. You can visit TOR or non-TOR sites.

• In a recent Dutch test, 42 of 100 android devices' facial recognition was fooled by a photo of the owner. Highly effective security.

Dear lefty:

• Top Topton, of Tottingham, asks how tall are you?
• Dear Bottom: ask your mother. Height is irrelevant in the horizontal plane.

As our 'leaders' (the children up top who steal and spend our money) are still stomping their widdle feets, government is still in a shutdown. You will notice that the entire country has not broken off from California and set sail to Europe. One reason is that the majority of government activity is already funded, so the strike doesn't affect the whole fetid enchilada. Yes, there are services missing, but let this serve as a small example of how overbloated this government is. You could easily cut it drastically, while not cutting services. You could cut it lots more to get rid of places (and countries) the government doesn't belong. 

• She said her hobby was playing banjo and her favorite band was Rammstein. If her hobby and band ever come together, the result would be like matter meeting antimatter.

Everybody loves a hot tub. Manufacturers love that everybody loves a hot tub. The new tubs have (wait for it....) Internet of Things connections! You can remotely set water temperature via your cell phone. The only problem is that so can anyone else near the tub... because who cares about security - it's all about features! It's so easy to get into (not the tub - the tub's alleged security) that it will almost immediately wind up on the huge site that lists open systems. Yes, Shodan has a list of open wifi, tubs, and even baby monitors that anyone can connect to. Until it's fixed (ha!), feel free to drive by your neighbor's house and set their hot tub to freezing.

• They say he found Christ in prison. 
• What was He in for?

Some interesting fellow spent three hours licking doorbells in one neighborhood. As of yet, this fetish has not been classified, so it's up to us:

• Lickomania
• Germophile
• Pranker
• Lickus Bellus
• Fetishist Dumbass
• Sick F-ing Bastard

My Dog Has Fleas

He doesn't, really.
He has diarrhea. Ask me how I found this out.
No, wait, don't ask.

Twenty eight gigabytes of sensitive intelligence agency files were left on a public Amazon server by one of the nation's top intelligence contractors without a password, according to a new report.

Twenty eight gigabytes (60,000 documents - rather a large amount) were left, exposed to anyone, on a public cloud server. With no password. Including a passwords to a government system containing sensitive information and the security credentials of a senior employee of Booz Allen Hamilton, one of the country's top defense contractors. This means no hacking was required-you could have Top Secret Department of Defense access, for the taking.

The list of what is wrong with this is endless, even for first-year computer security students (and possibly their dogs).  This doesn't look good for Booz Allen, the same firm where Edward Snowden worked.

My prediction is that this will disappear quietly, if it even gets out of the gate. If it were to ever surface again, there will be an announcement that the federal government is very unhappy with Booz Allen, and have given them a stiffly-worded letter saying so and urging them to never do it again. Plus a several-million dollar fine, which will be of no consequence against their next humongous government contract.

• EMERGENCY warning, ladies, from England's Daily Star: Don't put wasp nests up your vagina. That is all.

A motorcycle gang stole Jeeps by accessing the secret database of replacement key codes. They stole them out of parking lots or wherever they could find them, started them via the stolen codes, then drove them to Mexico. Never underestimate the power of Motas, Chi Chi, Guero, Guerito, and Edwin, among others. On your way out, don't forget to make fun of me for having an older car that won't remote-start.

• Kmart is dealing with its second credit card breach in less than three years. They could have planned this at a more convenient time, with Sears closing both stores.
• It is my observation that hacking Kmart didn't have to be such a laborious project. They could just hack it from the inside. One or two guys with t-shirts that say HACKER, in bright yellow letters, just walk up to a register and install the malware. Kmart is such an unholy, understaffed mess (at least mine are), that no one would notice.
• When asked for comment, Kmart said to wait in one of two lines with ten people in front of you and two cashiers running all over the store for unpriced items.

Piper Harron, a professor at the University of Hawaii has said that white men should be banned from teaching. She wrote an article saying 'If you are a white cis man, you almost certainly should resign from your position of power. Thats right, please quit. Too difficult? Well, as a first step, at least get off your hiring committee, your curriculum committee, and make sure you're replaced by a woman of color or trans person.'  It's good to know that in 2017, it's perfectly ok to come out and make this statement. It's a very good thing that it was not made by a caucasian, or the shitstorm would be monumental.

• One of Jerry Garcia's guitars (named Wolf for its wolf inlay) just sold for $1.9 million at auction. Next month, his body will be auctioned. It is expected to fetch between $900k and $3billion.

Earlier I told you about Evergreen State College, where leftist students demanded all white people take a day off. The college was evacuated and closed today due to a "direct threat to campus safety". I'm sure they will launch an immediate investigation (into how to make the lives of the threateners more comfortable and listen intently to their demands).

The world continues to get weirder by the day, just when you think it can't get any more weird. What's worse, you couldn't possibly make this stuff up in the wildest of literary satire.

• One of those nice Muslim men claimed to have explosives with him, as he tried to enter the cockpit of a Malaysia Airlines flight. He was tackled by eleven passengers and did not make it to the cockpit. The industry could save a lot of money on air marshals because travelers are FED UP with this and will use it as an excuse to act out. I predict hijackings will stop as the hijackers realize they're more likely to get the stuffing beat out of them than hijack the plane.