Condoms in the Workplace

Did you know the web was largely text-only at the beginning? From the command line, you fired up Lynx, a text browser. If there were images in the page, all you saw was [image]. It has been suggested we go back to lynx, if only for reducing the load on our computers. 

In case you're curious, email was handled by programs like elm and pine, also from the command line. No email programs on your computer. No html. No emojis. No wallpaper, no pictures, no viruses.... All monitors were black and white (or green or yellowish). You couldn't see a picture no matter how desperate you were. I would go back to this email in a second, It's still available.


Magecart hackers infect 17,000 sites through misconfigured Amazon S3 buckets.   This is THE CLOUD, people. It's bad enough you don't keep your data in-house, but sending it to THE CLOUD without correctly configuring the highway is pure idiocy. And this is the latest and greatest hack - you just scan for open buckets and hack away.


The City Mayors' Association has voted not to pay any more ransoms when they get infected with ransomware.

That's nice.

The City Mayors' Association hasn't voted on backing up their networks, patching the machines, and training the employees not to click on phishing emails.

This policy will suddenly be recalled. As soon as the next city gets hacked.


Microsoft pushed another Win 10 update, this time including a telemetry file. For those of you not familiar, this is the Designated Spying Section of Win 10. If you turn it off, the spying won't stop entirely.  RECOMMENDATION: use a safe, secure operating system that doesn't spy on you.

•  PRO TIP: if you need some political wisdom, consult Ron Paul, not Ru Paul. Trust me.

Dear lefty

• How do we achieve world peace?
• Boom boom. Just enough boom boom so there's little time to do anything else, but you still want more.
• this offer not valid on any day of the week ending in Y. Priests and Boy Scout leaders not eligible. If you sell counterfeit NFL jerseys, ICE will break down your door and deport you.

Fine Florida Finesse

A Florida woman was arrested after ruining $2,000 worth of ice cream by spitting, picking her nose, and urinating into containers.

This is not some 15 year old looking for net cred (she's well past 30). At least the police are catching these idiots. Next up: sneeze guards on ice cream freezers.

A Palm Beach, Florida, principal has been removed after questioning the factual existence of the Holocaust, to protect Holocaust deniers from having to hear propaganda forced on them.

A Florida woman was charged with a felony after her daughter was filmed licking tongue depressor in a medical center.

• Stevie Wonder told London fans he's getting a kidney transplant in a few months. A donor has been found. Good luck, Stevie. 
• In unrelated news, a Cleveland man scored backstage passes for life to Stevie Wonder concerts, plus an all expenses paid vacation with Stevie.

Why do I love our Hyundai?
Aside from many other reasons, it has held together through an uncountable number of people hitting it. It was happening at least monthly. It was personal. Fortunately the accidents stopped.

Until today, of course.
Wife shops at Costco, which I can't stand due to crowds and incontinent, entitled old people. One of these incompetent grannies backed right into our parked car, then jumped out, screaming, and demanded the police be called (she probably couldn't operate a phone, no less a car). Yes, it's personal.

Costco, you're on notice.
You owe us for every ding caused by these aged oafs. You owe us for grief suffered from the dings and grief suffered because of these antedeluvians clogging up the incredibly wide aisles. They leave their carts in the middle and walk off.  I wonder if they ever find their way back. Old people are a treasure, except your old people. You need to modify your client base or set up special shopping hours for them only (so they can run into each other and scream).

To make the experience complete, Costco didn't have Raisin Bran. What kind of insane asylum is out of Raisin Bran? The last actual insane asylum I visited had Raisin Bran in the kitchen. Just not Costco.



We don't mess with genetic engineering on humans, but we're having a blast with fruits. These exist:

pluot - plum crossed with apricot
apriplu - apricot crossed with plum

This is the same principle as greenish blue and bluish green. Partly sunny and partly cloudy. Slightly pregnant.




The year was 1968. Apollo 8 launched and orbited the Moon. While around the dark side, where communications don't work, astronauts saw a light; one suggesting it looked like a campfire.

In the capsules is a recorder, which takes down all audio. Upon return, the audio was transcribed, then classified, of course. Recently the transcription was declassified, and the discussion about the light was read for the first time.

Apollo 11 saw something similar and managed a photograph. It's pretty convincing. Even NASA's Denial Squad Guy fully admitted they saw it and didn't try to poo-poo it.  The non-NASA Denial Squad tried too, but were debunked.

There is still no answer (available) as to what they saw.




Ever wonder what happens when priests get caught molesting children?
Opus Bono steps in with help, money, shelter, defense.... and they're well-funded.

Everybody deserves legal representation, but these people sicken me.
If there is a hell....




SJW Stuff

A Virginia man was arrested after burning a flag in the parking lot of a Walmart. The sheriff acknowledged the person's right to burn a flag, but arrested him for 'doing it in a public place with the intent of intimidating others.'

That charge is still a speech charge. When does burning a flag count as intimidating others? Having large, threatening-looking men at polling places is intimidation. If this shining example of a sheriff wanted to 'teach him a lesson' he might have considered something around a disturbance on someone else's property. It's Walmart's parking lot, not his. He should have burned the flag on his own property. But we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, plus the police there don't like flag burners, so they have to lob any charge that might stick.

The Hair on my Left Elbow is Killing Me

Due to my love affair with the couch, I seem to be attaining a soda belly. It's not my fault.. I'm not doing anything different.

Wife brings me some fresh cupcakes. I thank her and remind her, for the fourth time this week, that I'm trying to cut down.

"SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?"


After that, she went to visit my parents. Mom was taping flowers to the wall. This is not a good thing. Mom would have ordered special flower mounts, not used tape.

It's just another day.

• Saturday: 80 degrees. Sunday: 40 degrees. Monday: 4 hour flash flood warning. Tuesday: raining carburetors.

It's a sad thing to have to admit, but I never saw Led Zeppelin live. I did, however, catch the solo tours of Page and Plant immediately after. Page's doubleneck guitar got a round of cheers as it was put on its stand.

Everyone seems to be up for a reunion except Plant. It's difficult to form an opinion on this.. I want to see Led Zeppelin, as do millions across the globe. Plant's reasoning is that he doesn't want to be a best-of act. Understood, but if you do new material, you're not a best-of act. Meanwhile, his solo career is going well. I've seen a few concerts online and his band is in fine form and the songs are good. They even slip in a reworked Zep tune here and there. Recommended.

What's bothering me at the moment (as opposed to what's bothering me in general or specifically at any other moment) is something about Plant's solo career.  I don't even know what it is.  Recently I discovered some live shows from the early 80s. I was there, front and center, at the hockey stadium. For whatever reason, it became very important to listen to the concert and collect more. The music came back to me. I remembered the riffs and where everything went, including stuff I didn't remember I remembered. And then I had my fill.

Don't you know that I came across another old concert and some rehearsal material and listened for a bit. Now the songs are whirling through my head again, like one of those amusement park rides that... whirl. It is said that music recalls another time and place. I certainly don't feel like a different time or place. I feel good tunes. Regardless, they're back again and I'm enjoying them. It's just that I always have to know why, which makes life frustrating.

• England recently held the BAFTA Game Awards. Yes, an awards ceremony dedicated to video games. Next year, the Hand Mixer Awards air for the first time. I, for one, can't wait.

If you log into your Yahoo or AOL email (if you still have AOL email, there's little that can help you), you'll see a new privacy and terms notice. In light of the Faceyspaces scandal, they want you to know they're reading your email, and will most likely share it with Verizon, their parent company. Full disclosure is wonderful, isn't it? Don't you feel better?

Speaking of Faceyspaces, Techpinions did a survey on 1,000 people, of which 9% said they deleted their accounts. I'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If the numbers hold, it's a pretty significant thing. To reach 9-10% of Faceyspaces users usually requires the personal invitation of a Kardashian. Or meth. While this number is significant, I'm bothered it wasn't higher. THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Speaking of Faceyspaces again, they just deleted over 100 private discussion groups that have been facilitating identity fraud and cybercrime on the platform for years. Faceyspaces did not discover the groups by themselves. The whole operation would've been quick and efficient if someone complained that the groups were hate groups, run by right wingers.

• Many Android device manufacturers are not telling the truth when they say they have patched phone vulnerabilities in new updates, researchers found. Fortunately I have nothing to worry about, as my carrier is too stupid to update anything and can't even tell me if I'm going to get the next version of Android.
• Reminder: put black tape or something solid over your laptop or tablet's camera. It's no longer something just us tin foils do... Zuckerburg does it too.

Are you a T-Mobile customer?
They just got hit with a $40 million FCC settlement by using fake ringtones. When you'd call someone out of range, they'd play ringtones, making you think the other party was hearing the phone ring. This was banned in 2014. Ever wonder where the settlement money goes? Certainly not to the affected parties.

• Russia is attempting to ban the secure message app Telegram. You know you're doing well when a country's leader wants you blocked.
• ThermionicEmissions' strong recommendation is to use Signal. It's available for all platforms.

David Buckel, famed gay rights lawyer, set himself on fire in New York to protest the use of fossil fuels. In a statement, the nations of the world pledged to stop using fossil fuels immediately. I sure hope he didn't use an accelerant.

• It is of no matter that there are gays in the NFL. What does bother me is that the Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) are starting to get by the detectors. NFL player and activist Terry Crews said: 

• “People have to understand that masculinity can be a cult, and when I say cult, it’s not different from David Koresh, it’s not different from Jim Jones,”

Is this some sort of Halloween joke, where he dresses as a football player but in reality is some crazed uber-feminist with green hair? The cult of SJW is large and strong now.





A substitute teacher in the Philadelphia school district has been suspended for allegedly hitting first graders.  That's one way to teach respect early on...

Speaking of Philthy, Mother Nature was booked yesterday for drunk driving. There was a line of coke on the dash and a speedball in her pocketbook.

• A college in California (of course) is hosting a No Whites Allowed pool party.  Can you imagine a college hosting a No Blacks Allowed pool party? There would be riots and calls to burn the school down.
• The invite stated only "people who identify as POC" permitted to attend (person of color).
• No problem. I identify as a person of color. And a fire engine! Vroom vroom - wooooooooooooooo!

A few days back, there was an incident in a Philadelphia Starbucks, that has no doubt gone around the world. The only facts not in dispute are that there were two male People of Color. The employees told the men they couldn't use the restroom if they weren't paying customers. They called the police, who escorted them out. Both the police, who were on camera, and the mayor state that the police did nothing wrong. The POC are claiming racism. Starbucks has apologized, letting a POC spokesperson deliver the news. Philly's Groups You're Supposed to Apologize To are apoplectic, saying that they will not accept Starbucks' apology.

The mayor will meet with Starbucks, along with his HR Helpers in case of Unconscious Bias. Starbucks will force sensitivity training. It's good that the mayor could take time away from soda taxes and his great work with his sanctuary city.

Unconscious bias. What a great term!  Is racism losing its effectiveness?



Later that night, in a Philadelphia row home:

Dad, I learned about racism today in school. It's terrible. I'm not racist, am I?

No, son, you're not overtly racist, but we have to consider that you might be unconsciously racist.

What is uncongslee racist?

Well, you could be racist and not know it.

But Dad... how can I be racism and not know it?

Err... you could have a tiny little racism gene, waaaaaay down inside.

Well how do I know?

That's why the school district says everyone has to take unconscious racism training.

[crying] But Dad... I'm NOT a racist!

I know, Bobby, but you have to trust the training.

Will it tell me if I'm racist?

Um.. not entirely.

Then why do I have to take it - you know I hate tests.

Because everyone is racist, son. Unconsciously at least.

Who says that?

Human Resources departments.

How do they know?

Because... uhhhh.. they were told so.

By who?

Industry people. Mostly lawyers.

Do lawyers know if you're racist?

No, lawyers know that it's bad publicity to not look like you're doing something, plus people of color will blame you for being racist. 

So I might not be racist unconshly?

No, but they invented the term just in case.

Dad, what's white privilege?

SHUT UP AND GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Thank God for the federal government. Without their intrusive nannying, it's a wonder any one of us is still alive. The FDA has banned the sale of caffeine in bulk quantities directly to consumers.  No, seriously. They said it could lead to injury or death.

Still no word on aspartame, or the thousands of other things they approved that can cause injury or death. Next week, the FDA will ban water, because too much water can kill you. Look up hyperhydration or water toxemia.

If any of you can snag an interview with Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson, can you ask them about this? I'm pretty sure their intent was to allow citizens to make their own mistakes.

• The Pentagon has turned loose a $5.1 million contract to a cybersecurity to identify illness in its soldiers via their smartphones. SARGE - hold your fire - I need to send a text!
• The phone's camera, microphone, and motion sensors will be used 'to keep tabs on deployed U.S. service members.'
• The ACLU said there just might be some privacy issues here.
• What kind of pussies work at the ACLU? Just because the government will soon have the ability to monitor your 'health' by turning on every sensor your phone has, doesn't constitute a privacy problem.
• I call BS. They can already turn on the sensors. This is just preparing us for the announcement. Even if you don't believe me, you can still see it happening, right out in the open.

That Damn Cartoon Music

I've been a Frank Zappa fan for as long as I can remember.
And why not? When you put a song like Yellow Snow near a teenager, it's bound to happen.

I had no choice but to dig deeper into the catalog. I liked more and more of his music. The first album (yes, album) I got was The Mothers, Live at the Fillmore 1971. This quickly became a favorite, playing over and over, even though I had to get up to flip the record every time. Aside from the very interesting musicianship, the thing that got me was the fantastic interplay between the singers, Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan. Only later did I learn they were The Turtles (Happy Together, actually performed on the album), aka Flo and Eddie. These two were hysterical and worked incredibly well together and with the band. Of course Frank rehearsed them to the edge of their lives. It was a huge production, and I wanted to see that live. Alas, this was a small part of Zappa history, without a ton of video I could locate. This was also before the internet [SHOCK and AWE!].

The theme of the album was being a rock star and traveling all over the country, meeting and trying to bed groupies.  Between the hilarity was instrumental bits that were kind of interesting. Not the usual masturbatory guitar solos I listened to normally. Frank was a great guitar player and a complete 180 degrees from anyone else who played. He played for as long as he wanted, and it was interesting all the way. The instrumental bits were not all guitar solos - he had other interesting things happening, but not too weird... just slightly out in his own neighborhood. Do you see why I never got called to write reviews professionally?

It's a good thing, too. Whenever I read or hear a review, I always wonder if the reviewer and I listened to the same piece of music. What I heard as ear-piercing howling, the reviewer referred to as 'the wide range of the lead singer's voice'.

In any case, further explorations into Frank's catalog turned up a few more hits and catchy bits. And even more strange, out there compositions. I refer to them as compositions because that's what we was: a composer. Yes, he had songs, but some of the stuff he did was beyond explanation; way too complex for my young ears to grasp. So I left the compositions there and enjoyed the Joe's Garage trilogy.

As I matured musically (who the hell am I kidding - I matured in nothing and remain the same genial hardhead I was at 16), I went back to the complex stuff and found I had an appreciation for it. Mind you, this is the music that parents and girlfriends call Cartoon Music, because it's very busy, fast, and jumps around a lot. It's also impossible for most rock musicians to play, but I appreciated the hell out of it. Mrs leftystrat, not so much. Since she processes things differently, it's too busy for her. Having read Vonnegut, especially what read like time travel, it confused the hell out of me. She said it was perfectly understandable to her. Oh well... if we were the same, there'd be no fun in it.

In listening to the more complex stuff, I gained an appreciation for what must've been involved, and composition in general. I sure as hell couldn't do that.

Try it out for yourself. A ton of his songs appears on YouTube. Funny stuff and cartoon stuff. Also a series called Shut Up And Play Your Guitar, which is, as you'd expect, only instrumental. If you like the music, please purchase it to help his kids, who are split into warring factions.

• A blind guy goes kayaking in the Grand Canyon. Fortunately he's not crazy enough to do it himself: he takes a guide who knows the area like the back of his hand, as well as his team, which stays in touch by radio. You know what happens next, right? There's a sudden disturbance in the water, a reinforced fiberglass paddle snaps, and the kayak turns over, trapping him in the water.  The guide, I mean.

How's Marshall?

He went for his followup visit at the acupuncturist the other day. She's very pleased at his progress. His lesion has shrunk significantly! We're beyond thrilled.

Think about this for a minute. The doctor thoroughly examines him, sticks a few needles in him and sends him home with some Eye of Newt and Stuff, and he's doing better in two weeks, maybe sooner. What does this tell you about chemicals?

Possibly to detract from getting well, his behavior has gone down the loo. He has successfully taught his mommy to walk him on command. Marshall has his own yard, so he can do whatever he wants. But there's something about his leash that makes him happy. Starting at two or three in the morning, he whines, very quietly at first, then ramps the volume and pitch until she gets up and does what he wants. Since he discovered she will walk him, he now sits by the door and whines. He trained her faster than he could ever be trained. To be fair, we never know whether the pitiful whining is pain or manipulation. My wife, bless her, lets me sleep because I have to work. Plus training me could take years.

As we know, I'm always late to the party.
HOW LATE ARE YOU?
I'm so late that I didn't know Barry Manilow was gay until last year.
THAT'S REALLY FRIGGIN LATE.

I didn't realize the power of my own dog.

When he went to the acupuncture doc, she and her assistant were oohing and ahhing over him, saying no way he could be 13-14 and he has a puppy face. The doc asked if it was ok to take pictures of him. Ok, but I'm not going to be a stage parent.

The regular vet practice is also incredibly fond of him. We take him when we're just picking something up and the multi-doctor practice goes on hold until everyone has come out and said hi to him. He's a celebrity.

On twitter, people follow his progress. One fan said if she lived here, she'd steal him.

That dog has more mojo than Dr John. If I ever needed a date, all I'd have to do is stand near him.

I can say, completely objectively, that he's a tremendously good looking cocker.
And some sort of furry therapist... he brings out all sorts of things in people.  Who knew?

Deep, Deep Shame

Shame. Perfidy. Shonda. Disgrace. Dishonor. Humiliation. Guilt. Sadness. Betrayal. Ignominy. Mortification.

All these things and more will not sufficiently explain my feelings.
I come to you humbly, hat in hand, begging your understanding and your assistance in determining what went wrong.

This is very difficult for me to type, so please allow me some leeway....

[sniff]

My wife...

[sniff]

My wife... has joined Faceyspaces.

There. I said it.

Here I am, Tin Foil Hat to the Stars, Number One Privacy and Security Guru, Winner of the 'I'm Not Paranoid - I'm Acutely Aware' Prize [1998-2014], with a wife on Faceyspaces.  Everyone's laughing at me.

Don't believe me?
Approximately sixty seconds after her signup, my own brother send a foe request, asking if I knew.
I'm doomed, like a chiropractor whose wife wears impossibly high heels. Except the chiropractor's wife at least looks good in them. Nothing good can come of Faceyspaces.

I explained that nothing good can come of Faceyspaces. I explained that it's the front page of the NSA. That the NSA either wrote the software or wishes they did.  That the mobile app eats data and privacy. That even with the highest privacy settings, it still sucks up all available data. That no one knows what the mobile app eats in terms of permissions because it's installed as junkware by the carrier.

Her argument?  She wants to keep in touch with the nieces and nephews.
Do the nieces and nephews not have email? Even though that's also property of the NSA, it's not public.

Will she now be required to post selfies every time she goes to the bathroom? Report on what she ate for lunch? Talk about which tire is leaking this morning? Describe picking up after the dog using Poop Bags<tm>? Purchasing a selfie stick? Beating me about the head and shoulders with it?

Can anybody recommend a twelve-step group or a deprogramming center?


I feel so..... alone.
And it's getting cold.... so cold.



THIS WEEK'S SELECTION

How could I go any further without mentioning another hero of mine: Frank Zappa. Zappa has played the bicycle, gotten arrested for one of his records, run recording studios, made millions laugh, got in trouble for insulting Jewish women then went after Catholic girls, gays, influenced many artists, and knocked the heads off many a guitar player.

This is a love song. A family song. A funny song. A song that you had better not play too loud at work (or home). It's called Crew Slut. It's a love song to the ladies of the road.  And here's Frank with a really nice instrumental called Watermelon in Easter Hay.

Sadly, Frank left us in 1993, due to prostate cancer. Get yourself checked, guys.

Be Very Quiet: Advertisers and the NSA Are Watching You

We here at Thermionic Emissions are very keen on privacy, or what little we can rescue of it. Allow me to share some ways to keep yourself safe(r) and less visible in these weird times. Follow most of them and you'll get the Thermionic Emissions Honorary Tinfoil Hat<tm>. Follow all of them and you won't be able to surf or see your email.

Here are the overwhelming, important items for any operating system and program: Use up to date software, patch your software, use a good antivirus. I'm a linux and occasional Windows user, plus android. While you won't find Mac-specific info here, some of this info will apply and most of the programs run on Mac or iDevices.

EMAIL

I hate to sound like a cave dweller but I long for the days of text-only email. No viruses.  Because we have to have formatted text, smilies, blinky lights and animated signatures, we're using HTML mail.

• You can adjust Outlook or Thunderbird (probably most others) to use plain text or RTF, which is a good first step, although you will miss the graphics and blinkies.  
• Turn off the preview pane, as this can set off a virus, although Outlook allegedly patched this. Better safe.
• STOP CLICKING ON LINKS. I don't care if it's allegedly from your BFF - don't click. Ask first.
• DON'T OPEN ANYTHING you don't recognize. Better yet, don't open anything. Check first.

SURFING

• Don't surf - it's dangerous.
• If you must search, use a safer browser. This means don't use Internet Explorer unless absolutely necessary. 
• Lock the browser(s) down. Turn off Flash, Javascript and cookies. Only use at highly trusted sites and get an extension that allows them per-site to make things easier for yourself. Surf in Privacy Mode or set the browser to delete everything when you close it.To surf more anonymously (but not totally invisibly), use TOR (The Onion Router). It's a little slower but worth it. Do not torrent or watch video - it will be painful and tax the system. It is composed of a specially configured version of Firefox and some invisible routing components. Read up at the site. It is available for multiple platforms.
• ALWAYS use HTTPS. This is a secure connection and much more difficult to eavesdrop upon. Don't bother typing it in - go to the EFF site and download their HTTPS Everywhere plugin for your browser. This will automatically search for an HTTPS version of the site and go to it.
• Do NOT set the browser to remember passwords, unless you want anybody in your house and the authorities to be able to use them too.
• When you set your browser to FORGET EVERYTHING after you're done, don't forget that History has to go also. This is also handy to hide some of those interesting sites you visit.

I use a bunch of browsers for different circumstances. Since I use linux, the only browser I can't run is Internet Explorer, which is good thing, as I don't like to use it when I use Windows.  Firefox is my main browser, which I keep pretty locked down. Qupzilla is a new, very fast browser that runs on most operating systems. It's not as full-featured as Firefox, which is probably why it's faster. Don't forget Opera, which is still around and even includes email. I use Qupzilla and Opera in various degrees of lockdown or open for different sites. 

Why not Chrome?  I'll tell you why not: it phones home. Isn't enough of your life sent to Google already?  If you absolutely insist on Chrome, use Iron or Chromium; they're both open source, free, the same code minus spying, and use all the same plugins. While we're speaking of Google, don't use it for searching: use Duckduckgo instead. It does not identify you or phone home. You can even make it the default search engine in all of your browsers. I use it exclusively.

One of the main reasons I use Firefox is plugins. Although other browsers have them, FF seems to have the best and most comprehensive plugins.  Here's what I recommend:

1. Adblock Plus: stops all ads, period. Just make sure to uncheck 'allow unobtrusive ads' if you want to.
2. Adblock Plus Pop-up Addon: self-explanatory.
3. Better Privacy: cleans up after you by deleting leftover garbage like tracking cookies.
4. Cookie Monster: allows you to block, accept or accept all but 3rd party (tracking) cookies on a per-site basis. I block all cookies by default.
5. Ghostery: blocks trackers and will show you what it blocks as the page loads. Comprehensive.
6. Noscript: blocks javascript on a per-site basis. I block everything by default.
7. Self-Destructing Cookies: blows away cookies when you leave the page. Very satisfying blow up notice.

Versions of most of these plugins are available for other browsers. (Hopefully) buried within the plugins' infomation is their privacy policy. This is very important, as it tells you what info is kept (leaked), if any. Be very careful here. Most leak info, some are downright unsafe.  If in doubt - AVOID.  Be aware that number of plugins will affect performance in all browsers. Check all available configuration options to get the best protection.

ON THE ROAD

Sure, all of us want to surf or check email when not home.  ALWAYS use HTTPS, especially on someone else's wireless network.  It's best to just not trust them.  Any of them.  Be paranoid.  Think before you act. Cell phones are especially troublesome, privacywise. Here are a few things I do with a new (android) cell phone:

• turn OFF all location tracking services (any locators or programs that suggest things based upon your whereabouts or allow you to check in).
• turn off GPS
• try to use (android) apps from F-droid. They're free and open-source and don't track you.
• go to your camera app and DISABLE geo-location, which stops your pictures from having your location on them. Ladies: what happens when you post a picture online with your precise location?
• be VERY careful what apps you use. Only download from F-droid or Google Play, otherwise you may get malware/adware/viruses. Only use apps with a privacy policy with which you agree.
• don't use the default browser - it doesn't get updated. Firefox and Dolphin are pretty good. Don't forget to have them delete everything when you're done or there will be a complete record. You can also get TOR (w/Firefox) on your android device to browse more privately. Don't play with Firefox's settings if using TOR or you could compromise your location or identity.
• Turn OFF your wifi when you leave the house. It's now being used to track and identify you at the mall, where a shopper profile will be built. It can't get your name but when combined with other databases, it will. All you need is two data points to get the third.
• Do you use voice control? Google and Apple  keep voice samples and, coincidentally, the FBI is very interested in obtaining voice samples around the world.

THE UNPOPULAR STUFF

Being the antisocial network guy, I avoid all the obvious sites and services. Let's face it: Facebook is the front page of the NSA.  Everything on the web is designed to track you, mostly for advertising, also for violation of your Fourth Amendment protections against unwarranted search (it's for the children). Just don't use social media (I told you this was unpopular).  People are putting their schedules and locations and sensitive info online. This is just stupid. Don't be stupid.

Don't use online (CLOUD!) services if you can help it.  I'm speaking of storage, like Dropbox, or reminder or social services. Remember: if you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. Do you really need a to-do list accessible with your browser?  Use a piece of paper or get an app for your phone (that doesn't leak info or store data on someone else's server). Think about what you're downloading and where it stores your information. If you MUST use online storage, encrypt everything first. Encryption is beyond the scope of this post but there are many programs that will do this for you safely, like Truecrypt (still safe, although no longer updated) or its successor. Or zipped with an incredibly long, complex password (encryption is the first choice).

PASSWORDS

Don't allow any browsers to remember passwords or save information, as I said above. Everyone has so many passwords these days that no one can remember them. The solution is a password program, so you only have to remember one password, then you can get to the rest of the passwords, URLs and logins.  I really like Keepass. It's free, safe and available for most platforms, so you can run it on your phone (which is always with you) as well as your computer or tablet.  As you would expect, I strongly recommend not using online password services. There are other good programs for keeping passwords - check online and read the reviews first.

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

We love our buzzwords.  Just when we've had more than enough CLOUD, we're faced with the Internet of Things (IoT, or Idiots on Tour). These are very slippery, ill-defined terms. CLOUD is anything you're not doing on your home devices. Internet of Things is anything that you can access or control outside of the house. Guess what I'm going to say next..... go ahead.. guess!  Do you seriously want a light bulb that you can check on from work? A baby monitor or camera local people can eavesdrop on or remote people can tap into? A refrigerator that keeps track of what's inside and can order food? There is a search engine that tracks open devices all over the world. Some of yours might be there. There are unsecured video baby monitors listed. Do you want the entire internet to spy on your baby?

The security on these devices is non-existent or really not thought out well.  This speeding car is going to crash and it's not going to be pretty.  It's bad enough that your medical records are out where any two cent hacker can get them - soon your house will get hacked.  If you want that for the sake of monitoring lightbulbs, be my guest.  Same with smart watches, phones and your new car.

MY CAR?

Oh yeah, your car. If it's been made recently, it has a 'black box'. If you have an OnStar-like service, it can be listened to and you will be located with it. Do you have a toll saver so you don't have to pay? That will track you too. In some cases it has been used to locate 'criminals' and it's being considered as a tool to fine speeders (your time between getting the ticket and paying is too short, therefore you've been speeding).


Yeah, kids, it's not pretty out there. Do your best to stay under the radar. If you have questions, please ask or look up the info. You probably won't be able to access ThermionicEmissions from prison.

Rip My Face Off. Please.

A short time ago, the wife looked at me and asked what I thought about a beard.  I told her that it probably wouldn't look too good on her at this time.

After we got that straightened out, she explained that she thought it would look good on me and, equally important, would work well with my intense dislike of shaving.  I'm one of those guys who has baby smooth, highly sensitive skin.  It's irritable, like me, making shaving a real task.

So I went with it.  I knew that, sooner or later, I'd started the Dreaded Itch.  The Itch of Death<tm>.  A solid week in, I did not itch.  But I knew it was imminent.

A few days later it hit.  And when I say hit, I mean I wanted to shred my own skin and scratch my face with a concrete block.  My wife, ever helpful, suggested a number of skin care products, the best of which stopped the Itch of Death<tm> for up to five whole minutes.  I even tried hair conditioner in the shower, to no avail.

Then I did what all red-blooded citizens do - I went online.  I located a number of sites with helpful and largely not-so-helpful suggestions.  `Man up and deal with it for the magnificence of a beard' was often repeated and the least helpful of the bunch by far.    What do you mean it only lasts a week?

Shortly thereafter, I tried conditioner again and it worked.  Sort of.  I continue to monitor the situation because if I have to deal with this much longer, I might as well shave.  Meanwhile I'm getting all sorts of comments about the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty.  Yes, that's me, the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty, from the Great Indoors.

My dad said he didn't dislike it, which is odd, given that he's not fond of double negatives.  Mom liked it too (because she has to) and my boss took about two weeks to figure it out (and I sit right next to him).  It's ok, he has other things on his mind (and let's be honest, I don't need his comments to make my life complete).

So I have a beard.  And a communique from the Big Boss, sent to everyone via email.  Unfortunately I am unable to discern its meaning.  After asking around a bit, it would seem I am not the only one who cannot decipher the missive.  It is written in thirty point type across seven pages, with each paragraph taking approximately its own page.

Most people would say I'm not stupid, so it kinda smarts that I don't have the smarts to decode the Boss' email.  Our local scholars ascertained that all of the words are current English and have decent sentence structure.  On the whole it appears to be in English that anyone could understand, only no one can.  This led to rampant joking about the Big Boss having a taste for cannabis.

For the sake of science (and sociology), a coworker is going to do an experiment.  At her husband's next social gathering, where much cannabis will no doubt be consumed, she is going to print out the email and see if any of the Muddled Masses are able to understand or translate.  This should tell us, for better or worse, the alleged state of the Big Boss.

If the experiment proves positive, either the Big Boss will have to compose while straight or get a medical marijuana waiver for the entire corporation so we can understand his writing.

Battery Saving Tips for Android

Hypermiling is driving your vehicle a certain way to maximize fuel efficiency.  Since we have no official term for what we want to do, let's call it hyperandroiding, at least until someone seriously objects to it.  What we want to do is maximize the time between charging the beasties.

I'm going to list a bunch of tips to extend battery life - choose what you like best.  People who like blinky lights and iDevices are not going to like these ideas for the most part.

I own an HTC Sensation and a Samsung Galaxy 10 tablet.  Your mileage may vary but this is applicable to most Android devices.  RUN A BACKUP BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE!


Wallpaper: no live wallpaper.  No wallpaper at all is better.  There are a few apps in the market called No Wallpaper, which set the background to black.  This uses much less juice.

WiFi: kill it.  On my device, this is the biggest battery-sucker.

Bluetooth:  shut it down by default.  If you need it, start it with a widget or shortcut.

GPS: Need you ask?  Kill it.

Location Services:  There is no good reason for this to be enabled.  You are asked when setting up the phone if you'd like to use it and should have said NO then.  This is merely a tracking device.

Launcher:  Your phone came with whatever launcher your carrier included.  These tend to suck up power like mad.  The most efficient launcher I have used is Zeam.  It just works - nothing fancy.  The more blinky lights, transitions, and live wallpaper you add, the less battery life you'll have.  That is all.

Social Apps:  Since there are no anti-social apps, I have nothing running.  Every social app you have probably runs in the background, sucking up valuable juice.

Email:  The magic phrase here is MANUAL email.  Most phones are set up for push email, which the phone winds up doing all day, every day.  Do you really need the latest piece of spam available the moment it hits your inbox?  Set email to manual so when you open the email app, it goes out to retrieve the mail.  This has the added benefit of not bothering you every fifteen seconds.

Instant Messaging:  do you think this doesn't use any battery?






How can Android help me?  Your carrier may have included some features to minimize battery use.  Android Assistant has these.   You can allow the phone to control screen brightness, keep brightness low, keep ringers and music low.  Android Assistant also has a startup app killer, which will shut down certain programs and services, should they start up with the phone.

There are a few apps devoted to this.  My favorite is Timeriffic.  I set my phone to shut down while I sleep and activate when I get up, saving lots of battery time.



The latest version of Android, Ice Cream Sandwich, has a very interesting and valuable feature.  It allows you to shut down and disable the majority of apps.  Since carriers bundle all kinds of garbage with phones and won't let you uninstall (without rooting), this is the next best thing.  Go to APPLICATIONS and click on one of the buggers you don't want running (my first stop was Faceyspaces).  CLEAR it, STOP it, then DISABLE it.  Poof - it won't start again.

WARNING:  Android has given you the weapons and ammunition to shoot yourself repeatedly in the foot, if not elsewhere.  You can essentially brick your phone or otherwise render it unusable.  How do I know this?  I disabled the wrong function and couldn't use the phone without a factory reset.  This brings up another very important topic: backups.  You should do them.

Backups can be accomplished automatically and for free.  There's a very good program called My Backup (available free and paid) that will do routine backups by itself.  Another efficient solution is one of my favorite programs: Android Assistant.  This program has a whole bunch of useful apps contained inside, one of which will allow you to back up individual or multiple apps.  It also allows you to transfer apps to your SD card.  This saves space and allows you access to your data even after a factory reset.  How do you think I got my phone back up to new after my reset?  RUN A BACKUP BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE!

Computing for Parents

My parents are in their seventies.  Need I say more?

Actually it's kind of difficult for me, being their child and thinking the world of them, to see them floundering about with their computer.

One of the most difficult ninety minutes of my life involved talking my mother through finding a document and emailing it.  By the time we were done, my mother was mad at herself too.  I should have won some sort of Nobel prize for maintaining my composure and not having my cranium explode, spraying the general area with its contents.

No one is entirely sure why they have had so many computers but there are certain things that, if questioned, will make your head hurt unbearably.  My mother has fibromyalgia and back issues so it's very difficult for her to use a computer in the first place.  It tends to look a lot like back-seat computing, with my dad typing and my mom leaning over his shoulder, yelling.  This is a fairly normal position for my parents and it is not for me to question what works.

They have gone through quite a number of laptops.  Nobody knows why, although I suspect at least one of them is the Dr. Kevorkian of computers.  The latest laptop is quite a beauty: a Dell with a seventeen inch screen.  The thing weighs almost as much as their car, which confuses me as my mom can't lift it (the car or the laptop, one would presume).

This particular laptop came with a major virus known as Windows Vista.  I installed the lesser virus called Windows 7.   I had almost no Vista experience and discovered this was a wonderful thing.  What a screaming piece of garbage..... the install was brand new and kept blue-screening randomly.  With a nice processor and four gigs of RAM, the thing looks magnificent and absolutely crawls.  If Windows 7 performs like Vista, my parents are going to learn linux.

Linux won't be a problem for my folks, as it would be just another operating system they cannot operate.

The key to dealing with older and/or technology-terrified folks is repetition.  They have to keep using the computer almost daily.  If they fail to use the computer, they will definitely forget how to operate it.

And forget they did.

Every few weeks, I'd receive another emergency call because one or both of them couldn't get their email.  Initially this was caused by not being able to remember their password(s).  I'm a security guy - I can't let my parents not have a password on their laptop.  We overcame this by having them write it down in a place they'd be able to locate.

All was well until last week, when I got another one of those calls.  They couldn't read their email.  Anyone who has done any troubleshooting at all knows that the complaint usually has nothing at all to do with the actual issue.   "Can't read my email" can mean anything from "I forgot my password" to "I forgot to pay the cable bill."

Firing up the latop, I discovered that all was in order and the email came in wonderfully.  I inquired as to the problem and they restated it was email.  Asking differently, the question actually turned out to be "Which program do I use to read email?"

Support people also know the Second Law of Computing: if there is no icon on the desktop, the program isn't installed.

I changed the Outlook icon to read EMAIL.

I suspect that they are best off with three icons:  EMAIL, WEB, and PICTURES.  Anything else will just get them into trouble.