Will Somebody Please Pronounce Ghislane?

Your love is like  gray meatballs, from the convenience store. 

Yes, I'm easily impressed. It absolutely knocks me out to watch people typing on their phones with 1 hand. As a guitar player, I have some manual dexterity, but typing with 1 hand is like petting a giraffe's head from Dick Cheney's underground lair. Watching people type quickly is also mind-numbing. I have non-professionally graded my typing as 1 error for every key typed, and this is typing slowly. 

So if you want to impress me, show me you have no gag reflex bang away at the drums phone. Or pop by with some pizza, from the place we tithe to. Like I said, I'm easily impressed.

These made-up days are just giving me headaches.... Black Friday, Black Sunday, Cyber Monday, and now, Giving Tuesday. I noticed there's never a Give to lefty Wednesday, or Show Sympathy to Mrs lefty Sunday. Mind you, sympathy to Mrs lefty is a universal concept. No matter who I introduce to Mrs lefty, their first words are always "I'm so sorry." It doesn't matter if they're from work, bands, plumbing organizations - they always say that. Don't ask me - I have no idea. I'm a heavenly experience every day.

Today I identify as   that alien thing from the movie, that covered their faces

As the Flying AIDS vaccine approaches, we need to decide who gets its first. And who decided who gets it first. At this point, a committee of 'expert' advisers for the CDC makes recommendations. We need someone with more mojo, like the people who decide which shoes are going on sale at Target, or what coffee will be the special at Starbucks - people with import, style, and the aforementioned mojo. 

After we (they) decide on who decides, it's time to decide who gets the Magic Flying AIDS Cure<tm> first..

• some of the most important people in the world are the staff of convenience stores. Where will you get your coffee and donuts in the morning before going off to do your important work? Think about it.
• operators of adult websites - they're the highest rated for some reason or other, plus we need something to do while imprisoned in our own houses
• pizza delivery - do I really need to explain?

Of course we'll need a list of the last people to get vaccines too...

• anybody in media - do you really need to read about this shit anymore?
• Congress
• people who send emails with emojis in the subject
• the Top 20 album sales - truly disposable
• CDC and WHO executives
• anybody who doesn't want it and/or doesn't trust it

My very complicated relationship with Guitar Center continues, with the latest email telling me to have no regrets about taking advantage of the deals. Just the other day it was threatening to tell my wife about some visit I made with a woman who wasn't her, and now it wants me to take advantage of it. This is what you call a dangerous retail establishment: you know no matter what you do, it's not going to work out well, possibly involving the police and a no-contact order.  So I'm warning you, good readers, not to fall for any of this stuff. It will not work out well, and you cannot access ThermionicEmissions in jail.

Perhaps because of the holidays, the aliens are still at it. The disappeared Utah monolith which turned up in Romania has itself disappeared. These guys are really active this season, maybe because the Betelgeuse situation has been solved. I don't know these aliens any better than you, but I'd watch my anus, if I were you.

• UPDATE: the monolith re-reappeared, atop a California mountain. Although the aliens have an interesting sense of humor, it is somewhat less than fully developed.

Dear lefty  

• Should I remove my hat when indoors?
• although it is societal convention, you should definitely keep yours on - you do not want the top of your head visible, generally from the neck up.

It Went BOOM 

The Arecibo telescope, starting to have 'destructive events' lately, has gone all the way and collapsed. 

Invasive wasps are creating incidents with passenger planes.

An absolutely ingenious way to get rid of surveillance tech has reared its absolutely ingenious head: discover the tech is actually racist, misidentifying black faces and confusing broom handles with guns. As we know, anything even accused of racism is a non-starter. So we just identify all surveillance tech as racist - no problem.

One of the biggest booms in my life was Led Zeppelin. I never got to see them live. This article puts kind of a nasty period on one of my favorite bands. For years, I've wondered why we hear no more... I think we have an answer.

• the Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is in high gear, having proved thus far that November 31 is November 31, but packages to be delivered November 31 will be delivered December 1-2. 
• The aforementioned Principle has been further modified to show that any day a package is promised for delivery has a higher chance of a Kennedy being elected (and remaining) in high office.

A new view of international financial health has been introduced by a Chicago aquarium, which takes its penguins for field trips to movie theaters, art museums, and football stadiums. Apparently the birds like to get out and be stimulated, when they're not following their keepers around.

I have inadvertently wound up with a Wife Detector. It only works at home:

It's Penny, the Wonder English Cocker.

When Mommy leaves, Penny's by the window, pining away. While this doesn't tell me where Mommy went, shoe shopping is always a good guess.

When Mommy's in her office, I know because Penny's in my office, staring intently at me, hoping I'll open Mommy's office door so Penny can sit next to her. She will continue to sit there, with her huge brown eyes, begging me to get her mother.

Cockers with abandonment issues (redundant, I know) can be put to good use.

• Teen makes dress out of 1400 mangoes to highlight food waste
• might also be highlighting mental instability, which should be looked into

An International Council on These Sorts of Things<tm> has expressed alarm over the LGBT communities' inclusion, thus far expanding their abbreviation to LGBTQIA+. The Council warns that their moniker hurts tolerance by requiring more letters every few months, ruining old letterhead and requiring new, plus putting people who don't know the latest few letters at risk from the tolerant group.

An Oscar-nominated actor came out as trans; formerly coming out as queer. Pretty soon there will be a checklist, I fear. 

I look at this the same way as I look at hiring people: the best person for the job - not their color, gender, race, or feelings about vanilla over chocolate. Naturally this fellow is being praised as a superhero, not for his acting ability, but for coming out.

Warning: guys, if you look at his picture and say you'd ask for a date, you'd be queer too. Perhaps this will require even more designations, whereby you get some percentage for being attracted to someone's birth gender, as opposed to current one. Nah, you'd wind up tarred as some sort of -phobic. Contrary to current belief, there are some benefits to being CIS-hetero.

The fellow who played Darth Vader, in the costume, has passed

When asked for comment, his voice said, "We've got the MEAT."

The UK is the first country to approve a 'fully tested' Flying AIDS vaccine.

It has been stated to be around 95% (that's 15% British) successful. Aside from the conversationally nasty nose hair, tendency for eyeballs to stare at each other (when they're not rolling backwards, into the head, like errant slot machines), occasional sex change, tendency to make you threaten the Nicaraguan President, permanent foot switch from left to right, joining foreign nose-picking competitions,  voting repeatedly for Biden, and repeated efforts to kill your own children, or anyone else's), this is a perfectly safe vaccine. Boris Johnson would have taken it himself, but he is just a hair frightened about the dunking one's head in acid side effect, which the Ministry of Silly Side Effects has listed, in a sealed filing cabinet, at the home of the lead janitor, up on the roof, under 12 other sealed filing cabinets, for public display. 

Twitter - DC Cesspool6%

1. The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. 

2. If they survive, the vaccine is safe

3. If they don't, the country is safe.

Heroes of the Stupid  

France, which is closing its ski slopes over Christmas, to protect everyone from the Flying AIDS, is imposing random border checks to stop citizens from skiing in neighboring Switzerland. And we thought Idiot Governor and Idiot Mayor had some ridiculous ideas...

An apparent Taylor Swift fan defaced Lana Del Ray and Dua Lipa's (2 Lips) Spotify pages. It's good to see, that in these days of the Flying AIDS, that Really Important Work<tm> is being done.

I Got a Job Hammering Dulcimers

Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter



Dear lefty

• Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
• clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear 

Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]

In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.

There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of redacted for national security reasons.

• Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.

If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.

Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.



Eating at the Blue Sign

Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.

The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.

We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only.  Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.

Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.

Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).

• Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
• Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.

Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.

With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:

• higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
• that same airline food you know and love
• DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
• the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
• TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies) 
• with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
• No masks required on Covid flights
• Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.

Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s? 

• Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
• Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"

Happys 

Buddy Rich - the drummer

Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85

Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong

Less Happys 

Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago

Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player

Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.

Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.