Adjusting Ring Adjusters - or - Forced Vacation, more or less Day 11

 lefty.

lefty?

LEFTY!

huh.. oh.. uh... what? Is the house on fire? Sale on ice cream? Does somebody want sex?

What's today's date.

You have no phone?

I don't know where it is.

So it's my problem, then. 

Yes.

Never, even on forced vacations, wake me at 8:30 to ask the date.

Ok. Don't forget - you have to go shopping with us today.

I know.

What day is today?

This is more than you've said to me all weekend. Why does it have to come out all at once, during NSH (Normal Sleeping Hours)? 

I'm... sorr.... [snore.....snore...snore...]

So... she goes back to sleep, I can't sleep, and the city is about to knock on my door, asking to see my permit for operating heavy equipment. It's ok, the inspector will hear her snoring, we'll laugh, and he'll go back to prosecuting people who put pools in their yards or built some outdoor furniture. But you seriously want to be careful if building something in Philly. It's not that the inspectors are on the take, but there is a pre-printed, plastic covered sheet with the building activity and the suggested bribe for it.

POOLs (below 4')     $20

POOLs (above 4')     $40

Fix broken concrete sidewalk     $30 before it hardens, $40 after, 

POOL (in ground)     $100-500 depending on complexity and level of bikini around it

Homeowners are advised to make the 'donation' early. If my supervisor has to come out, all suggested donations are doubled. Beer would be nice too.

Please place 'donation' in brown envelope, on nearest steps, then turn around for 30 seconds, as if you were remembering something, Make sure you look thoughtful.

Kentucky is very busy cleaning up after that horrible 'weather event.' 

When they're done, they want to change the state motto:

• Kentucky - WHY?
• Kentucky - our tornadoes are better than your tornadoes
• Kentucky - there are states that don't have tornadoes at all
• Kentucky - roads are clear, drunken tractor races are on!

Our Kentucky reader had some damage to the house but is safe. And everybody is terrified.

PTSD is quite real, and as soon as the wind blows over 10mph, they're right back there, in the midst of things. Houses will be rebuilt - people take longer.

Being Attention Addled, I have to use every trick I can to help myself function.

I have a small container by the door, with everything I need to take with me when I go out.

This helps immensely.

Until last night.

I grabbed everything I needed, drove away, and realized I forgot my phone.

Why?

Because it was next to the container with everything I needed to go.

Sometimes I even outsmart myself.

Here's our tribute to 'Who's on First', called 'Who Has 98.6'

So I'm getting ready for that aforementioned shopping trip, now that it's 1:30 and everybody's awake (but me). I have a wisdom tooth that likes to pop up, just to annoy me, and cause mouth pain. It somehow knew I was desperate to get out of the house and popped right up. Just for fun, I decided to see if I had a temperature....

Where is the thermometer this week?

Hang on.... 

Ah, on the toilet. I should have known.

[takes temperature]

Well, I have either 96.7, 98.4, or 99.5. Isn't it supposed to DING when it's done? Why is this so difficult? 

Lemme look at it. I guess LO means it needs batteries.

I'll back you on that. The next question is where the batteries are today.

[looks in bathroom, dining room, under car] Dammit - where are they?

[returns with different thermometer]

We have a second one?

Yes, push the button and scan across your forehead.

Beep beep beep. 70.5

I TOLD YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND SCAN ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD.

Which is, strangely, what I did.

[grabs thermo, puts it to head, looks at result] Great - this one needs batteries too.

Good, I was terrified you wanted me to shove it up my ass.

I could do that, you know....

Perhaps later, thanks. Any idea which number we like?

You feel warm. Stay home.

Ain't technology grand?

• What's that noise?
• Something fell off the table, so the dog is barking at it.

Captivity - Day 68 It's a stand up desk, Susie

One does not telecommute in the dark (unless one wants to).
We get things like machine overheating, human overheating, wife overheating, but I won this morning: I went for a chocolate covered breakfast nugget and dunked most of my hand into my coffee cup.  Beat that.

Sensing the temperature had exceeded 80 degrees, a fan blew up.
No problem - we can borrow my office fan until we get a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow never happened (a temporal anomaly) and for some reason, the fan is now sticking to the floor, as if it has been there 24 years. How does this stuff happen? The keyboard already smells like coffee - now the fan will smell like dust and dog treats.

Which brings me to The Chair.
For purposes of this blog entry, let's say you know the chair. It's a long, leather, vibrating, articulating chair. It's pretty damn comfortable, especially as our dear departed cat thought. He shredded the hell out of it. There are handles that lock the chair in place. In a very clever move, the manufacturer of the chair has the handles move out to trash the knee of whoever's walking by. In the other direction, it trips them AND trashes their knee.  WHAT- we don't have enough trouble in the house without dangerous furniture?


Dammit, things have changed. Protesters mad about the death of George Floyd (RIP) had a protest last night. They maintained social distancing. Read that again. 4 police were fired.



No masks, no service becoming commonplace.
Well, it's their store. I try to visit stores without this BS. Or my very smart wife does it and leaves me home, where she doesn't have to listen to me grumble.


Bible verse warning against 'religious masks' exposed after Pope's Sunday mask.
Ummm... Mr Pope... it's not a religious mask. Stop your buddies from raping children, please.

Sex workers in Switzerland offer to limit customers to 2 positions which 'minimize the risk of transmitting coronavirus' to enable brothels to end lockdown in Switzerland.

1. sex workers?
2. which 2 positions?
3. how were the 2 positions determined?
4. sex workers?
5. brothels?

THIS is where the outrage should be.
The US cannot legislate sex, but is allowed to. If they want to have sex and have people pay for it, what's the problem?

Captivity - Day 54 Advancing Backwards

The Neighborhood Sun Association has been holding meetings about the near-constant light in the sky. The Association hasn't had to meet in years, since that one week in 1962, when there was 2 days of sun in a row. This caused a bit of trouble with the rules and formalities.

Here we were, in 2020, with several days in a row of sunshine - unprecedented. Some members referred to it as End Times. Other members, who perhaps were wont to smoke less ganja, were confused. The people who smoked nothing were totally black-faced, agreeing that ganja would have worked out better for this particular situation. The Temperature Subcommittee tackled the question of February temperatures in May. Fortunately, there was no consumption, so their meeting was through 3 hours before the main meeting.

The Temperature Subcommittee had ruled, very early, that there was, indeed, some cold motherf-ing temperatures for this time of year and adjourned for hot chocolate and Ghiarrdeli brownies (the best).  The Sun Association consumed donuts and special brownies, unaware of the legality of 'brownies.' The Association got off on 1st Amendment grounds, because it was a religious celebration (Rastafari Something). Things got testy when the Christians said it was End Times and the Rastafaris said it was time to score more End Times Special Blend.

Both committees ruled that something must be done, dammit!


Kentucky, home of drunken tractor racing and comical accents, has received a date when their captivity is over. Kentucky doesn't know why, where, or what time their captivity will end, but the citizens go on, safe in the knowledge that their leaders are idiots and have absolutely no idea what they're doing. My lone Kentucky reader, who also happens to be my lone gynecological reader, is overjoyed, because it's somewhat difficult to deliver babies virtually.


World leaders are unlikely to meet at the UN in September.
Drat - a taste of their own medicine is overdue (not death).

The Inn at Local Washington will fill his socially distanced dining room with midcentury mannequins. Tips expected to rise 20%.



Meanwhile, in The Show Goes On department, Gordon Ramsay will yell at someone and people will turn off in droves.

Typhoid lefty and the Amazing Weather Event

The new job is going well. No, really, it's going decently. I have very few complaints, with the exception of the heat.  It's traditionally women who complain about the temperature being too cold, so I thought they were responsible for the eighty-degree temps in our humongous office.  Where I work is a bit of a cliche, so I asked if we had to fill out a form 8753 in order to get the temperature down below roasting. Even the women were complaining.

Speaking of women, I work near three women or so, who have apparently been sick off and on for months.  I told them if I got typhoid, it would be their fault. Little did I realize that they had been playing Pass the Germs for way longer than I have been there.

Sure enough, my throat began to feel icky. This was followed, in short order, by my head ringing and being in a vise.  It is difficult to concentrate on your job when you're desperately attempting to fail at falling off your chair.  This all happened in one day.  So I chose to stay at work and irradiate the rest of my coworkers who had not yet become sick.  I'm a giver.

You'll be surprised to learn that I don't get sick like normal people. Being a man, I had to ask my wife if I had a temperature, which she verified. The joke is somewhat on me because whenever I ask if I have a temp, my wife tells me yes. Why we do Fever Theater<tm>, I'm not sure. One day when I'm well, I am going to ask her to feel my forehead, just for fun. And then maybe I'll tell her that's not where my forehead is.  I figured the smart thing to do, aside from consuming copious amounts of ibuprofen, would be to take some Nyquil equivalent to help me sleep. It kept waking me up at hourly intervals, like a seriously snoring spouse with a chainsaw.

By the next morning, I was on our Natural Cocktail: zinc, echinacea and vitamin C. You start taking this the moment you feel sick and it will either help you to ward it off or shorten its duration.  If you don't have trouble swallowing pills, you will when you see echinacea.  It looks kinda like a clear capsule of oregano, only it's the size of a small football (deflated, of course).  And it's a good thing I dumped all this crap down my throat because the relatively simple act of sitting on the couch made my skin hurt. When the phone rang, my head exploded.  When my wife spoke, the hair follicles on my arm contracted and sent pain shooting to my brain (what was left of it).  Even innocent email checking rendered my eyebrows non-functional. My nose does not run but my stomach does: right to the fridge. When I get sick, my appetite goes through the roof. Keep your hands and feet away from my mouth.

SNOW

We're about to get a noreaster, whatever that means. It means PANIC. It means clean out the stores of milk and bread in mass PANIC. Depending on who you listen to, we're getting two or three snow storms. This includes between one and twelve inches of snow, depending on which attractive weather woman you prefer to watch. At least this time they came right out and admitted that there was no way to accurately predict the amount of snowfall, instead offering four different scenarios. This happened on three different networks, as if they were colluding.

The news is calling this the storm of the century. This indicates that total snowfall will be somewhere in the area of an inch to an inch and a half.  Mind you, the news also features shots at grocery stores, where the shelves are literally picked clean. You'd think they weren't going to get out to the store for three weeks. They're now calling it Snowmageddon.  This is why I get my news online.

The real mess is going to happen tomorrow, so naturally my wife asked me to stop at the store and pick a few things up. She is the one who goes shopping, so it's a crapshoot when I have to enter that dark place.  Let's start with walking in: most people have no trouble - not me.  I walk up to the door and it won't open. I strongly suspect it is refusing on purpose, perhaps on principle.  I'd have the store manager come out and explain it to me but as it is, he's busy plowing the lot (or one of his cashiers).

In front of me at the deli counter is an old lady who is apparently feeding a small battleship's complement.  She requires a pound and a half of swiss but it has to be in three packages for some unknown reason. Then some turkey.  No, that's not thick enough. Then a half a pound of ham. That's too thick. I held on well, managing not to strangle her with her own turkey pastrami and half an hour later, it was my turn. Mind you, they didn't have what my wife sent me to purchase. It's friggin' cheese - what's so difficult?

Just to make things more interesting, the Deli Lady wound up in front of me at the cashier. It turned out she had a husband, who kinda popped up when the bags were in the cart. I have no idea where he was the whole time; perhaps he was off trying to convince them to sell him three gallons of milk, but in seven plastic containers.

Once outside of the store, I tried carrying the packages to the car. Fortunately for me, it remained in the place where I parked it.  My wife's creamer took a leap right out of the bag, while I had four plastic bags on me. When I got home, the creamer, which obviously had something against me, had once again removed itself from its confines. This was made more amusing by the fact that I keep confusing the trunk release with the gas release. This won't be a serious problem until I start filling up the trunk with gasoline.

The cherry on top of the ice cream sundae has to be the mayor of Philthydelphia's press conference. It's fun to watch because we like to laugh (we're outside of Philly). He emphasized that they're serious about snow removal.  If so, this would be the first time.  There will be 375 people and 800 pieces of equipment deployed.  Two days later, people will be wondering why there's snow all over the place, as if they had no idea it was going to snow.  Furthermore, do not throw snow back in the street - it's disrespectful. Disrespectful is promising to clear the streets and failing completely.  It would be a fair bet that it's been snowing here for longer than there has been a city of Philadelphia, yet they have consistenly failed to do an even passable job of cleaning up. There are actually cities all over the country that manage to clean up way more snow way more frequently.  Driving in Philly is a nightmare with no snow.

I have to go now. The dog is doing us a favor, protecting us from the last bag of Cheese Jax (by eating them).  After it gets done snowing, the Abominable Snow Span will grace the freshly-washed blanket on the couch, which was washed yesterday because he was out in the rain and mud.

Of Colds and Classic Rock

Argh..... 

Sorry, had to be said.

I just spent a week with a particularly nasty bit of a bug.  The blasted optimists would say I should be thankful that I didn't go down for two weeks, like my wife.  This little bugger just sat there and refused to leave, kinda like Congress.

While this thing inhabited my body, I was kind of useless.  If you ask certain people, that was not much of a change.  Suffice it to say that I kinda sat there with a fever and a fuzzy brain.

After a while, the game became finding something to do whilst sitting there.  Not wanting to waste a sick day on actually being sick, I went to work for most of the week. After four days I still had a fever.  I decided that would not do.  The typical remedy was failing me (vitamin C, echinacea, zinc) so I alternated between Daytime Cold Stuff and Nighttime Cold Stuff.

Taking my temperature is something that has never gone well at my house.  This tends to be largely a problem of not being able to locate the thermometer.  Yes, living with a multiple has many joys.  And I will continue to pin this on my wife for as long as I can because it's partially my fault: if I were that interested in taking my temperature, I'd have purchased a second thermometer (or third or fourth) and hid it where I could be the one who didn't know where it was.

So I used the shortcut used by men around the globe: "I feel like a have a temperature."  This brings out the Inner Nurse (who also doesn't know where the thermometer is), who holds her arm up to my forehead and announces "You're hot."

I thank her for the compliment.

But seriously, she's my wife and has to say that stuff now and again.   After she gets done explaining that, she tells me I'm really hot.  I decline to repeat the joke, no matter how much it hurts.

So by this point I'm reasonably certain I have a fever.

The thing is.... whenever my wife feels my forehead, she tells me I have a temperature.  Sometimes I just ask her for the fun of it, even when I feel ok.  Who says science is dead?


So I took a sick day in spite of myself, hoping I could use the three day weekend to heal and be back to work.

Three days later, I was a little worried, as I still had a fever.  Fortunately it left toward the end.

Somewhere earlier I was talking about finding something to do while I was pretty much no good for anything.  When all else fails, there's the computer.  And when the laptop is on the lap, there's internet activity.

VIDEOS!

As I've mentioned, I'm a little slow on the uptake.  I don't do a ton of streaming video or audio.  Somehow I located Justin TV.  This is a site where people create channels and broadcast things that (hopefully) others will view.  There is no shortage of entertainment and content there.  The thing that really confused me was the video games.  People play video games and broadcast them for others to watch (and sometimes comment on).  Since I'm obviously not of that demographic, I have to wonder if this is really popular or goes on elsewhere.  I could find out this information with a search but I'd rather just comment on it and scratch my head.

In any case, there is a ton of content to be found at Justin.  If you can possibly tear yourself away from watching someone else play video games, you can see movies, tv shows, cartoons, ancient programming, and puppy webcams.  While I am a sucker for puppies, I haven't spent much time there.

The first thing I discovered were the `conspiracy' channels.  And my oh my are there a bunch of them.  I seriously recommend viewing some of the content, remembering to question everything and use your BS Filter at all times.  A person could really learn something there.

Then I stumbled upon some of the rock video channels.  There's one fairly constantly broadcasting channel that has a comprehensive collection of videos and concerts (you can look this up on the site's directory).  There's another guy who runs concerts on Friday nights.  He's the epitome of internet amateur broadcasting: great content, amusing comments, equipment breakdowns during the show, and you get to watch him drink soda while he comments (Yay!).  He's the genuine article.

So without further interruption (or temperature checking), I got to see a lot of video while the germs steadfastly refused to leave my system.  Here are some random thoughts....

WHITESNAKE

The Concert Dude<tm> ran a Whitesnake show from 2004 in England.  Like them or not, you have to admit that these guys are tight and put on a show.  Coverdale et al are something of a guilty pleasure (because my guitar playing friends laugh at me when I say Whitesnake) but there are some seriously good tunes there, combined with some seriously good playing.

The first highlight came when a young lady presented David Coverdale (or Coverversion, as Robert Plant refers to him) with some flowers and a note thanking him for his music and his voice.  He seemed genuinely touched but quickly recovered and thanked the lady for her f-ing t*ts, allowing as to how they were inspirational too.

I would have spit out my tea, spraying it all over my monitor, if this happened twenty years ago.  In spite of the fact I always laugh at fart jokes, it just seemed like David might have been a tiny bit long in the tooth to make these jokes.  Or perhaps he could have done it a hair more creatively.

Speaking of old fellows, one also has to give it to Mr. Coverdale for his voice.  The man can hit all of the notes, which is quite a feat for most people north of fifty.  I remember reading that he trained with a cantor after a vocal injury.  Regardless, the man sounds fantastic for any age.

The band was very well-rehearsed and tight (although way too old for Jerry Sandusky).  Tommy Aldridge played drums and has been with this incarnation of the group the longest.  He was a favorite of mine way back when he played for Pat Travers.  That was a killer rhythm section.  This man is a maniac on drums and makes the whole band sound better and tighter.   The bassist was Marco somethingorother.  They even had a keyboardist but he was way down in the mix.

Naturally the fun for me was in the guitar.  Reb Beach played largely second guitar, with his Ibanez custom Strat-style (with EMG pickups).  When he played lead, he proved himself more than capable.  He was more modern-sounding, for better or worse.  Doug Aldrich did most of the leads, using Les Pauls and Marshalls.  He used to play for Dio and had his stage act together.  This guy was something to see, with his fingers moving a mile a minute, perfectly executing the leads of the guys who recorded before him.  A lot of his trilling seemed to be executed with his first and second fingers, which is not common.  His tone was good but a little over the top with distortion for my taste.

It was funny to see most of the band shirtless.  I wonder, if I got to play all the time, would I be able to lose enough weight to look decent in only a vest.  Let's face it - I don't go shirtless because people have to eat - ya know?  Plus the hair spray would probably choke me first.

Recommended.

BLACKMORE ET AL

I got to see Ritchie Blackmore in Deep Purple and one of the Rainbow incarnations (with Dio).  Never got to see him live, so this was my first exposure.

I suspect Mr. Blackmore to have the best sense of humor in classic rock.  He never said a word but you could hear it in his playing and watch it in his antics.  At the end of both concerts, he annhilated his guitars.  Much as it hurt to see perfectly good guitars (John Hiatt) get smashed, it was also pretty amusing.  He thoroughly disembowled the Strats, yanking on the strings, breaking the headstock, using the edge of the stage to `play' the guitar, having a serious fit smashing the remains, and losing a few off the end of the stage.  He'd get another one from a roadie then proceed to atomize it, just like the previous one.  At one point he went through four guitars in minutes.  This was obviously before litigation became a hobby.

One thing I noticed in both bands was the tremendous control he had over the band. They watched him and he gave hand signals whenever he wanted something.  His equipment appeared to be stock CBS Strats into two Marshall stacks, using a reel to reel tape deck for delay and gain.

The playing was the real show, however.  From the bits I could see and hear, Ritchie seemed to almost be a bass player, as opposed to a guitarist.  He would play a single note then an octave up, just like the bass.  Not exactly a ton of power-chording.  Most interesting to observe.

Ronnie James Dio (RIP) fronted this version of Rainbow and was his usual animated (and short) self.  The man's voice defines rock vocals.  I also watched him with Heaven and Hell (pretty much Black Sabbath).  There shall never be another voice like his.

I tend to find power trios boring at times and this was the case with Heaven and Hell.  There's no denying Tony Iommi (another lefty) and his massive tone, but there's only so much one guitar can do, especially when he switches to lead.  Tony used his trademark custom-made lefty SG through Laney amps.  A good guess would be that he detunes his guitar south of normal E.


QUEEN

Speaking of power trios, I saw two Queen concerts.  One was at the Rainbow on the Sheer Heart Attack tour (Killer Queen was the big hit).  I'm at a loss for a date but I'll guess around 1972.  This was a concert filled with songs from earlier in their career. Unfortunately I'm not all that familiar with the earlier songs so it was a bit wasted on me.

Never wasted was the spectacle that is a Brian May solo.  He is a singular voice on guitar and manages to perform miracles in the power trio format.  His early work with delays was groundbreaking and still stands on its own.  There was a small mountain of his trademark Vox AC30 amps and his homemade guitar for the world to behold (along with all that talent).

The next concert was on the Night at the Opera tour (Bohemian Rhapsody was the hit).   There was a greater song selection because of two intervening albums, making for a more interesting concert (for me anyway).

Suffice it to say that you haven't lived until you have beheld Freddie Mercury in short shorts.

Well, maybe not.

In any case, Freddie (born Faroukh Bulsara) set the tone for rock frontmen.  He was bold, brash, incredibly gay, and had a voice that didn't have to be restricted to rock and roll.  [note to self: omit show tune jokes]

At the encore, they had confetti raining down on the occupants of the stadium, along with balloons tied to blow-up dolls.  Quintessential Queen.

Imagine a band with great writing, singing, playing, and a show.  You don't get that often.


ACDC

Amongst other stuff I saw a terribly early video of ACDC.  It was black and white and featured Angus before the dark schoolboy outfit.  They lacked nothing in attitude though.  It was odd to see Orange amps onstage but who's counting?

I even saw the tail end of a Blondie documentary.  To be honest I never liked the band but it was interesting to hear their story.  Can you say cocaine?  I knew you could.

---------------------------

So out of sickness came classic rock videos and concerts.  If you're a musician or rock fan, you need to check Justin out.  Even if you just like to watch videos.....


I'd stick around a bit longer but I have to wake my wife to see if my fever is still gone.