So Good My Toenails Hurt

 

Your love is like  free samples of new Chunky Milk - the milk you chew!

There is a show called The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

Needless to say, I did not authorize this biography 

Today I identify as  Elon Musk's love child

At the mall the other day, I saw one of those twats that shaves the sides of his head but it's long on top. I realized he's pretty much the direct opposite of me (non-voluntarily).

Flying AIDS News

$9.8 Million Awarded Last Year by Fauci’s Agency to Test Monkeypox Treatment

strangest coincidence....

Why Masks Work, but Mandates Haven’t

May 31, 2022, New York Times

FDA advisers overwhelmingly endorse Novavax COVID-19 vaccine

With BA.2.12.1 now dominant in US, experts eye new subvariants BA.4 and BA.5 [Updated]

Why are boosted Americans testing positive for COVID more than those without extra shot?

Microsoft still hasn't patched the latest serious flaw in Windows.

This morning, Microsoft held a press conference, in which they apologized for not patching the operating system, but they're inundated with all your personal information and may just stop patching Windows altogether.


Is it the end for the lush lawns of Los Angeles?

I hereby donate mine 

• Emotet malware gets into Google Chrome and attempts to steal saved credit card info.

1. don't use Chrome. I prefer Firefox.
2. don't store ANY info in ANY browser.
3. always use Private mode, which flushes all info when you're done.
4. if you insist on Chrome, use Chromium, which doesn't report back to Google

Dolphins recorded having a conversation 'just like two people' for first time
September 11, 2016, The Telegraph

Heya, Fred.

Hi, Bob.

Say, inflation is looking bad.

And the Ukraine situation isn't any better.

Whatever it is, the humans can be counted on to fsck it up.

Even the fish aren't as tasty; they're full of plastic.

Plus I think they're taping us. They're getting hip to us talking about them.

You think it's time to get out of here?

Douglas Adams was right.. it's getting to be time for "So long and thanks for all the fish."

I don't know why they put us here.

Maybe they thought we could help provide a positive influence...

You have a point - we manage to get by without nukes or ICBMs, on a bit of fish.

The problem is humans don't or won't learn. Even from the whales. 

The whales are certainly big enough to make a point, that's for sure.

Have you heard of Musk?

Damned if I know. Humans talk about him a lot.

I hear he's building underwater electric cars.

Great - they'll probably dump the batteries in the water when they're dead.

But he boinked Amber Heard.

What's Amber Heard - some kind of shark?

Yeah, a kind of shark.

I'm feeling a little slow today.

Have you tried coffee?

The only problem is we can't use a straw.

Have you ever seen a dog try?

No, must be hilarious.

Check it out on DolphinTube.

NHTSA upgrades Tesla Autopilot probe, could lead to recall
Up for debate is whether Autopilot, or humans behaving badly, is the reason for Tesla's iffy safety record

This is a tough one. Is it Basic Human Stupidity, Musk, or something else?

ThermionicEmissions always goes with Human Stupidity. The autopilot states plainly that it is not fully auto. Considering the Subaru Outback's stellar safety record, if people kept driving them into buildings, would it be Subaru's fault? They'd still get sued for it....

• $2.51 (457 pounds British) for a 12oz Coke at the store today
• food seems to be racing gas, but I doubt it will come close 

Multiple Governments Buying Android Zero-Days for Spying: Google

the better to illegally intercept your calls, my dear...

How to Turn a Coke Can Into an Eavesdropping Device

just imagine what a Mountain Dew can will... uh...  do...

Ok, so I have trouble with putting things into bags. Trash or small, it doesn't matter. When I try, whatever it is inevitably winds up on the floor. It must be another of those strange injuries I suffered as a child. It's a wonder I made it to adulthood, with all the strange injuries I suffered as a child. Sometimes I have trouble opening bags, like potato chips. I figured out what this is about: if I can't open them, they're diet chips. Today I went to open some pretzels, gave it a serious pull, and the bottom of the bag opened, spilling half the bag on the floor. This was a new one. I spent most of my childhood on the therapist's couch. Apparently it wasn't enough.

RING RING

Hello?

Hi, what do you need at the store.

I need soda

Ok

Lettuce

Ok

Cookies

Never mind, I'll just come home to get the list.

Aren't you writing it down?

No, I'm driving.

Well if you wanted to know what I needed at the store...   never mind.  The doctors want to know the source of my headaches.. I think I just found it.

• Jeff Goldblum and Will Ferrell are still visible. This remains a problem for the civilized world.

While the anti-2nd Amendment forces are out (again/still), it turns out the police in Uvalde, Texas, are in deep doo-doo for an hour's delay in doing anything, while sitting outside the school. Yes, they sat there and did nothing while people died. They admitted this. "Wounded teacher condemns police as cowards"

Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey is also against the 2nd Amendment, stumping for gun control.

Mosquitoes prefer dozing over dining when they are sleep-deprived

With this fascinating scientific tidbit in, plus the administration's historically bad ratings, the Biden team is putting together a $57 billion program called Operation Mosquito. In it, the government will pay people to party with the mosquitos, keeping them awake, thus the government can claim they've done something about the scourge of mosquito bites. Others will be paid to play loud music near known mosquito apartments and condominiums. We will have the most sleep-deprived mosquitos on the planet. Other countries will want to consult with us on this groundbreaking program. 

• Cancer, dementia, some gender issues, reality tv... I think we're causing it ourselves. The amounts are massive, considering The Olde Days<tm>. Look at the crap we put in our food and in the air and sea.... it goes into our bodies.

Your Taxes at Work

The US Treasury Department has started approving broadband grants to states from a $10 billion fund created to expand access to Internet service and other digital connectivity tools.

This is not the job of government, with our tax dollars. We pay a lot of money for service, as well as a lot of surcharges and taxes. Why can't the providers deal with it? Why does the deficit climb so rapidly? 

The Biden administration has inaugurated a new $2 billion program to explain Dark Matter to Americans.    The surprise from all of this is that Americans don't care.

The Left Handed Heater Eater

 Your love is like  mange

Our mouse problem here at the ThermionicMansion went nuclear after a neighbor told us they were Microsoft mice.

• Scientists Think Warm Balls Could Be the Next Male Birth Control
• No, it's ok, I brought my heater!

Today I identify as  Debbie Reynolds and Rock Hudson

RIP Ronnie Spector (Be My Baby)

In the morass of things I don't understand is my little office space heater. I set it to a temperature and it heats the room. It does this cyclically. When it hits the temperature, the heating elements turn off and the thing shoots out cold air. Even though I don't fully grok heating, I don't see where the heater is supposed to spew out cold air. Maybe it feels insecure and is trying to keep its job by making it cold. Maybe the manufacturer wants me to keep buying them, because I don't understand why the fan runs - maybe it's broken. Maybe I'll return it for a bigger one, with a remote control. Cuz, you know, it sits 3 feet from me, and leaning over is strenuous and stressful. Maybe Wife stays up all night, worried about it trying to get me sick. Maybe Wife stays up all night anyway, and this is just a decent place to hang her hat.

Since it's cold, maybe it has something to do with the soda we just bought. We can open a can, take a sip, and put it back for a day or two, with no trouble. The latest cans won't last overnight. Just flat. Incidentally all Coke products. This is very disconcerting. Perhaps Coke wants us to take in mind the fact the cans don't sit well, and just drink a can at a pop. Then buy more cans. We're probably lucky the cans stayed twelve ounces, as opposed to my grapefruit soda, at 11.5 ounces, and the ice cream, at gallon quarts liter. The Great Ice Cream Shrinkage works out well for the manufacturer and the company that makes the cartons. Whenever they shrink the ice cream (again), there's a new charge for prototyping the new carton. The only people not happy with this arrangement are the buyers of said ice cream. Screw the consumers anyway. Always make sure of which frozen treat you're purchasing, because Breyers, an old favorite, can no longer call itself ice cream, because it doesn't have the required ice. Or cream. Or milk fat. This is by law. You certainly don't want to be taking out your carton of Breyers, when someone says 'ice cream' and SWAT knocks down your front door, because you can't call it ice cream by law. Like removing the tag from a mattress. If you forget and this happens, I find that offering the SWAT guys a bowl of 'frozen ice treat' usually calms things down.

Then you go to places like Dairy Queen, where the white, frozen stuff flows from a lever or knob or something. I've heard it called Soft Serve. It's definitely not as tasty as actual ice cream, but in a malt, it works just fine. Or over a hot fudge brownie, but don't get me started. Now that the wife's out visiting for a few days, there's no tellin' what I'll get up to. She may come home to find me sitting in a pile of half-eaten formerly hot fudge brownies. Again, this is her fault for not getting me a babysitter when she goes away. If she had gotten our hot neighbor to sit, there would be no chocolate fudge brownie mess on the living room floor. I cannot vouch for chocolate syrup mess anywhere else, though.

But I'm just kidding - we have no hot neighbors. I don't know if there was a zoning issue or what, but there isn't a single hottie up and down the block. And 90 year olds on either side of me (ok, one just died from the Flying AIDS). It works out wonderfully, as there are also no kids, but why no just-short-of-models? Professional babysitters? If they're younger than me, I can adjust... I try to be flexible. We could play rock star and groupie, Find the Stratocaster, and Do You Want Cream with That.

• this electric bike rental thing looks like a really good idea.
• provided your friends don't see you riding one 

We're having difficulty with phone companies. Who isn't, you're asking yourself. This time it's more insidious: it's text messages between phones with different carriers. Wife can text me about 50% of the time, I can't text her at all (before you say she doesn't want to hear from me, I checked). A friend had a lot of trouble texting me over different carriers. Everybody else can text me just fine. The carriers point at each other and naturally don't want to deal with this (I don't want to deal with paying the bill). Not at fault is our encrypted text app, Signal. Highly recommended.

• What's wrong with the UK? Before you send me a list, they're now watching Judge Judy. Aside from her being the nastiest, ugliest, negative stereotype on tv, it shows us the UK has no taste, plus a certain percentage of them will think we here in the US are all like that.
• from watching UK police shows, I know the worst thing one can do is raise one's voice and curse. They'll deal with a stabbing in its time, but if you start cursing, they'll lock you up and throw away the key. You can also be disposed of for using 'racial language.'

It's a big mash of guilt, abandonment, and Other Stuff<tm>, here at home. Since Wife is away for a few days, Dog is very upset. She sits by the window and pines for her mommy. I've heard actual whining.

So she sits next to me in my office (or rather, my heater). I'm the fallback parent. Unfortunately, I'm working, so I have less time to pay attention to the poor thing.

So she goes to her sofa (which used to be my sofa) naps, and occasionally gets up to stretch between naps. While it's a good life, it makes me feel guilty. I think I heard her whine by the (full) food bowl this morning, which makes me wonder what she gets fed along with her food in the mornings.

Oh, the guilt (it's my heritage).

Yesterday she got the whipped cream from my malt. She loves whipped cream, then stops at the actual drink.

So she'll continue to miss her mommy and pine.

I'll continue to feel guilty.

And her mommy will continue to have a great time visiting. What is wrong with this equation?

• North Korea says it's launched a third hypersonic missile, this time reaching Mach 10
• it shot down Santa Claus and landed on the Easter Bunny 

Flying AIDS News 

Omicron forces us to rethink COVID-19 testing and treatments

FDA head: Omicron is a “natural disaster… most people are gonna get COVID”

Scientists believed Covid leaked from Wuhan lab - but feared debate could hurt ‘international harmony’

Study Finds Cannabis Compounds Prevent Infection By Covid-19 Virus - Fauci says it's ok to smoke it through your masks.

Unintentional Violence 

The Bouncy Castles are Coming to Get Us

Second child dies after Spanish bouncy castle accident

This is the third bouncy castle incident in a few weeks. This time the castle went airborne due to wind. Perhaps they should have something in the rental contract that says they're not suited for flight and to contact the FAA (and the Happy Place<tm>) if it seems like a good idea. 

Near-miss for pilot saved from downed plane hit by train

I always wonder about people who park their vehicles on the tracks, or try to race the train, but this guy crashed his plane on the tracks.

lefty's Law: when doing something death-defyingly stupid, ask yourself what's the worst that can happen. Then wait for the fscking light to change.

Unfortunately, some spend most of their lives practicing the death-defyingly stupid. Survival of the fittest? 

• Man gets genetically-modified pig heart in world-first transplant
• wife warned not to take him to restaurants with large salad bars...

Elon Musk says he’s hiking “full self driving” by another $2,000

The man's a genius... he's never out of the press. 

On the positive side, spontaneously exploding batteries are free on every model.

Hey Maw - the smart guns is comin', the smart guns is comin'!

Of all the blitheringly bitingly breathtakingly dumb things we've seen, this is way up there. If people (most likely anti-gun groups) are afraid of suicides due to the wrong person using the gun, they already know a responsible owner keeps it in a safe and/or locked. By the same token, how does one defend against home invasion if they can't fire the gun?  None of this will prevent an owner from committing suicide, but the anti-gun groups forget to mention this. Serious security people don't use fingerprints for identification as it's insecure, yet it's good enough for guns?

I don't own guns. But we all need to be staunch defenders of the Second Amendment, as well as all the others.

Biden pushes overhaul of US election laws in fiery speech

In an impassioned speech, he said he supported changes that would allow his voting reforms to be passed without the support of opposition Republicans.

He's not just dangerous for his cognitive difficulties.....

Say, aren't there one or two important fires that need to be put out?

#NoSpendJanuary  -  a challenge to spend only on bills and food.

Who comes up with this stuff? Are they in a rubber room?

Hey, let's come up with a few other random challenges....

• #NoSexSeptember
• #NoEatingMarch
• #NoChocolateApril
• #NoShoeSaturday
• #NoClothesAtWorkWeek

 I hate to burn down your childhood notions, but it turns out Vikings didn't really wear the helmets. 

(They wore bathtubs)

Scientists went to work and confirmed it, by dating a piece of tar found on a helmet.

(the two hit it off and wound up living together)

• I didn't want to say anything, but the sun's been visible for a few days
• I wonder if it's that North Korean Hyperspeed missile....

If you can immediately tell someone what size bag goes in your vacuum, you have your shit together. And you desperately need to get laid.

“Aw, screw it”: LAPD cops hunted Pokémon instead of responding to robbery

When they found him, they beat him like Rodney King. 

Graham Chapman is Still Funnier than Jerry Seinfeld

 Your love is like  noticing it's starting to rain. as you're at the picnic.

In the latest We Have No Idea What We're Talking About - Flying AIDS Division:

US officials publicly question AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine data

“may have provided an incomplete view of the efficacy data,”

America's Doctor (Mengele), Anthony Fauci, said

The announcement may contribute to some unnecessary hesitancy around the AstraZeneca vaccine

 the public said

OMG, are you f-ing kidding us. Again?

 the American Association of Bicycle Repairmen said

Eh, somebody's not telling us the truth. Hand me that wrench?

 the World Association of Drug Addicts said

and they're upset at the stuff WE put in our veins....

 Douglas Adams' note to self reveals he found writing to be torture. He was so good at it. The man was hysterical.

The man who wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe had a lot of anxiety around writing.  You can get in on the crowdfunded hardback book, to be published in 2022. I will.

• To the shock of absolutely no one, President Biden has already jumped up to call for gun control, in the wake of the supermarket shooting.

Endowed by their creator... life, liberty, pursuit of happiness... etc..

The First Amendment acknowledges that Americans are already endowed with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Second Amendment does the same for guns.

They are pre-existing rights.

"Common sense gun control" is a phrase to catch people who don't think critically and don't know or care about their rights.

It is up to all of us to guard our rights. They're being taken away by bits... soon we'll have few, if any...

• Miami has overreacted with the emergency curfew (black leaders)
• agreed
• It's so bad, 2 on spring break were bitten by sharks
• the sharks are obviously racist

Today I identify as  Jimi Hendrix. It's done wonders for my playing, but not much for my respiration.

• Lemmy Kilmister was one of the baddest asses in rock. He had his ashes put into bullets, given to his closest friends.

There are hierarchies to everything in life.

For instance, the UFO people comb the tv networks and internet for news and documentaries.

While combing, they come across Bigfoot documentaries. This is beneath them. These people are nuts. Bigfoot! Imagine.

There's that Tsoukalos guy... ALIENS! Aliens built the pyramids. C'mon.

While I haven't checked with any particular groups for their reaction, I just came across a documentary on Latina trans beauty pageants. I have no thoughts or ranking of these folks - they deserve their own, like everyone else. But the guy with the large wig, 5:00 shadow, and lisp, is somewhat obvious when you hit that channel. There is an episode of COPS when they pull over a guy on his way to a female impersonator contest. Be honest - he looks like he did his homework. Except for the full beard. To keep the hilarity going, the cop asks about pageants.

So I'm going to take a step and rank trans beauty pageants a step below 'conventional' beauty pageants, which are already below Bigfoot level.  

Before anybody gets upset or offended, if I can poke fun at UFOnauts, Bigfoot hunters, and beauty pageants, trans pageants are fair game. 

So we've established that I've never sued anybody, and that I'm not offended. 

Not much of an American, am I?

I feel kinda....  small.

I seek your help. Please send suggestions, via Comments, about what I can be offended by. Not your niggling little offenses that I write about. A really GOOD offended. A take to the streets, write to the editor, blind rage, red-in-the-face, cancel culture offended.

Thank you.

• Just to make things more interesting on the Flying AIDS front, some of the hand sanitizers that people hoarded contain a carcinogen called benzene. We were told to wash our hands like Obsessive-Compulsive hand-washers.
• Apparently benzene is ok, then. You know, aside from than cancer thing...
• yet another reason to scrap most of the government - they're useless and only suck up tax dollars.

Speaking of which, the gunman, Ahmad Alissa, was known to the FBI.

The FBI: known for setting up acts of terror then arresting the hapless perpetrator...

So the NSA, which is not allowed to play on American soil, taps every conversation in the country, but the FBI knows of an Islamist, who has made ridiculous Faceyspaces posts... his own family said he was mentally ill.

Scrap most of the government. Peacefully. At the voting booth.

• The Flying AIDS has caused a rise of 7.4% in streaming music revenues
• hasn't done a thing to make music better 

Wow.... just above I mentioned the First Amendment and rights disappearing.

A doctor is up on hate crimes charges for using an ethnic slur. This, while not particularly nice, is still free speech. The SJWs are gutting #1A. The doctor's behavior was reprehensible, including keying the man's car. Again, sometimes free speech is ugly, but that's the price of free speech - sometimes you disagree with it. These laws need to be tested in courts.

• RIP George Segal (87) - complications during bypass surgery

Mike Ditka is shilling for life insurance.

The kind where you can't be turned down.

Best of all, there's a 60 day money back guarantee.

If you buy life insurance, how could you possibly use a 60 day guarantee?

I want my $10 back. 

Why?

Ummm..... just cuz.

Why?

Discrimination.

We do not discriminate. 

Yeah... but... you don't offer it for people over 100.

I'm going to rush you your refund. If you're local, I'll personally bring it by.

Why?

Because no business wants you as a customer. Entire customer service manuals are written about the likes of you. They all say to get rid of you, as quickly as possible.

I want my $10 back.

Why?

Substandard coverage.

You signed up for it.

Hidden clauses.

You had every clause on the papers you signed.

It was in 10 point Roman. 

That's the most readable font.

It's too small.

Operators are available 24/7 to read it to you or for any questions.

I didn't like it.

How can you not like life insurance? Did you have a chance to use it? 

Ummm... no. 

Then what's the problem?

Can I get it in a different color?

It's life insurance. It doesn't come in any color.

I want my $10 back

Why? 

It doesn't work right.

Doesn't work right? 

Doesn't work right.

In order to use it, you have to die. 

Oh.

Have you died within the last 60 days?

Er... no.

Then how could you say it doesn't work right?

I almost died.

Almost died?

I had an operation for a hangnail, which didn't go right, and almost died.

We don't cover almost died. 

But I had a Near Death Experience

Did it cost you anything to get there?

Well, no.

Then we don't cover it.

I wet myself.

Unless you actually died and your beneficiary makes a claim, you haven't used the insurance. 

I don't like it.

What about it don't you like?

Tuesday.

Do you have any serious complaints?

I found another company that charges $4.99 a month, instead of $5.

REFUND PROCESSED - you're worth whatever it costs to get rid of you 

• How much financial damage could you possibly do by shooting yourself?
• If you're an F-35, that would be $2.5 million in damages. Yes, the plane shot itself.
• the most expensive weapon ever made, at $135 million each. Expected to cost more than a trillion over its lifetime
• The Pentagon kept news away from Trump because they wanted to keep warring in Syria. And we've been in Afghanistan for how long? Are you starting to get the picture? It has nothing to do with 'defending our freedoms.'

Dear America:

We need $250k this week to buy some hacking tools to spy on you. 

That's on top of the regular budget, of course. Please. It's for the children.

Love,

the FBI

[the FBI's 2020 budget request was $9.31 billion, plus $144.9 million for 'program enhancements']

• After AstraZeneca's announcement that its new vaccine was 79% effective, the government smacked their little peepee and explained why this figure was incorrect. As a result, Astra downsized their result from 79% to 76%.
• And you said the Feds taking 30% of your income was too much.

Jay Leno is sorry for making at least 9 jokes about Asian-Americans in his career.

How does a comedian with that many years of work behind him make such a stupid statement?  OHHH.... Media Action Network for Asian Americans targeted him.

ThermionicEmissions' statement:

Comedy is comedy. We will make no apologies. Everybody is fair game. Comedy is no longer comedy when there are sacred cows of which we are not allowed to make fun. Comedy is about making fun of sacred cows.

We are in no way responsible for the actions of maladjusted, hate-filled miscreants and we condemn any and all violence. This is not the fault of the entertainers. The abusers need to take personable responsibility for their actions.

We will not be silent.

(he says, with upwards of 20 visitors and nobody saying anything to him about his content) 

George Carlin had that great bit - 7 words you can't say on tv

They are: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

We are saddened by George's passing but need to update the list for 2021:

fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, nigger, and asian

Also remember: stereotypes do not appear from a vacuum.

We don't make jokes about Asian drivers because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Asian students being so smart because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Jews being in high positions because we don't like Jews.

We don't make black crime jokes because we don't like blacks.

etc.

 

So things all over are higgledy-piggledy because there's a ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Seriously. It's affecting shipping worldwide, because the canal cuts 11 days off going around the continent. 

Turns out the captain was Asian, trying to make a u-turn in the middle of the canal.

[how's THAT for topicality and timing?]

Oh Atlanta

The city of Atlanta got hit with ransomware a few days back. FBI, Microsoft, and Cisco are investigating. Mayor Keisha Bottoms (good God, no!) announced that the breach had been ransomware.  There is no word on whether the ransom will be paid, as Mayor Bottoms (I'm going to keep typing this name for months) did not elaborate. As we all remember, if you keep good backups, you should be ok. And don't click on anything. Anything. Just don't.

• It is with great surprise that I congratulate my area's snow removal personnel. Before the very large storm was over, the streets were clear. Including mine, which tends to be toward the back of the line. With a day or two of sun, there was precious little to shovel. Remember: shoveling is the major cause of heart attacks. Don't shovel.

Many many people marched over the weekend to protest the recent shootings. Or rather, they marched for gun control. Thousands and thousands of people marched against their own rights. 

Now, the disclaimers: 

* the marchers have every right to march - it's their First Amendment right, which I support wholeheartedly. 

* what happened in Parkland (and every other location) was unconscionable. Beyond tragedy. My heart goes out to those left behind. There was no reason for any of it.

* is there really any surprise that the shooter had issues, after the police were called to the house approximately 30 times?

* the sheriff and other law enforcement people failed to enter the school while the shooting was in progress. Police response time was 20 minutes.

* had the school taught the kids about the Constitution, perhaps they'd think twice about leaving class to protest it. But we don't seem to have any investment in teaching our children anything useful. I continue to not use algebra.

* one of the marchers in New York was Sir Paul McCartney. I don't know what Sir Paul's country of residence is, but I am getting tired of being lectured by people outside the country, who do not understand our laws and Constitution. It's bad enough our own people don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only musician who isn't a liberal (or conservative).

* I don't want to lose one life, under any circumstances; child or adult. I truly wish I had a solution. Gutting the Second Amendment is not the answer.

* No word on the senseless tragedy from Atlanta's mayor, Keisha Bottoms (told you so).

In the past day, I discovered that permits were applied for two months in advance of the parade.

• My friends at the Wall Street Journal (I lied - they don't return my calls) tell us that a Vanderbilt University researcher claims that hospital data breaches lead to patient deaths. 2100 patient deaths each year, according to the study. After a breach, quality of care goes down for some reason. This is a great article to read first thing. I love the smell of doom in the morning. 

The other day at the airport, beepers started going off. They were plentiful, and they were shrill.  Lots of serious-looking men in uniform, with guns, started arriving and waving these odd wallet-size devices around. They would emit their own screeching, varying in pitch. Eventually they located a woman and turned their beepers off. There are radiation sensors all over the place and the devices were portable detectors.  What triggered them? A woman who had a medical procedure involving low level radiation, five days prior.  I read about this happening at a border crossing a few years back, again from a prior medical procedure. Well, it's a good thing people aren't carrying dirty nukes through the airport, I guess. You can decide if your tax dollars are well-spent.

• The encryption mechanism in Firefox and Thunderbird's "Master Password" feature was found vulnerable.  If you use either, they will be upgraded. In the "I told you so" department, do not store passwords in your browser, please. Use a password manager.

The Coworker Chats

Monday morning...

ME: I've got training today from 1-2 and tomorrow from 3-4.

Tuesday morning...

HIM: I'm a little confused. Do you have training today?

ME: Yes, 3-4.

HIM: ok, thank you. I got my handbook today. Did you?

ME: I didn't order the print version.

HIM: So you received the download?

ME: no.

HIM: you don't need the handbook?

ME: I haven't received it.

HIM:  but we all got an email from them, asking us which we wanted.

ME: Please do not talk to me in the morning. Or afternoon.

-----------------------------------------------------------

ME: that training on helpdesk I took was a mess
HIM: the service desk or ???

ME: one of us needs to take a remedial English class. Guess which? The other one of us needs to start drinking,.

My old boss suggested pills, "because drinking takes too long to get good at".

------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of old bosses, yesterday I flashed back to an old job. I was driving into work, when I got a call from my boss, who had gone missing for a week or two. He wanted me to be impressed because he admitted that he was an addict.

I pride myself on not overreacting to bizarre and sometimes tragic information, so I was able to drive while listening. I humored him (that's great, man, going away for 28 days?). He subsequently disappeared for another week, called to say hello, then disappeared completely.

Since that was the morning for phone calls, I got another, from a coworker. He got pulled over by the police, who found rather serious drugs, for some reason, and he was 'going away' for a bit.

So, aside from losing a substantial portion of our department, it was a pretty good day.

Epilogue:
I ran for boss. Coworker said he'd pray for me (he was serious). I became boss. Did good work. Drug Person went away for a while (we threw him a going away party). A year or two later, we were horrified to learn Boss died. Now I work for a place where gravity is more than a suggestion.

• The Federal Trade Commission announced it is launching an investigation into Faceyspaces' data privacy practices. Where have these people been for the last ten years?
• Rob Sherman is the deputy chief privacy officer at Faceyspaces, who said “We remain strongly committed to protecting people’s information. We appreciate the opportunity to answer questions the FTC may have.”
• In other news, Faceyspaces has a deputy chief privacy officer.  I hear the NSA has a deputy chief privacy officer too. Can you imagine that job? The main task is checking to see that your salary was electronically deposited on time. Perhaps the two of them play golf. Tiddlywinks? A second career in porn?
• Zuckerberg's take on your lack of privacy? You signed up for it.
• Atlanta mayor Keisha Bottoms has not announced whether she will appoint a chief privacy officer for Atlanta. Judging by the ransomware attack, the answer is no (I could go all day with this).

Dan Schneider and Nickelodon have parted ways.
Opted to end their longtime partnership.
Agreed to not extend the current deal.
Pursue other opportunities and projects.

Dan is responsible for The Amanda Show, What I Like About You, Drake & Josh, Zoey 101, iCarly, Victorious, Sam & Cat and more.

What this mealy-mouthed, extended litany of bull excrement translates to is: Hey Dan... the poop is hitting the whirling device's blades. The stories of your pedophilia are coming fast and furious. We cannot call you a pedophile, at least according to our legal department, so we'll agree to voluntarily separate.

Hollywood is a cesspool, although not the only industry we will hear from on this topic.

After thinking about this for a while, I finally remembered where I saw him.... he's Ricky from Better off Dead!

Dan Schneider

Ricky - Better off Dead

RIP David Ogden Steirs - Better off Dead (and M*A*S*H)

If you have not seen Better off Dead, stop what you're doing and find a copy. Rent or buy, if necessary. The movie stars a very young John Cusack, as the kind of guy that life likes to take a dump on every now and then. I cannot accurately describe it but it's hilarious and suitable for all ages (I think). If you have seen it, isn't it time to watch it again?

• This fella found out what kind of information Faceyspaces had on him...
• If you have finally decided to extract Zuckerberg's nose from your life, here are a bunch of URLs to add to your HOSTS file, along with its location.

Just the facts: Bishop Amvrosios (real name Athanassios Lenis, of course) is about to be retried. He labelled gay people the "dregs of society".  What kind of people are they hiring over there? Should Catholics be happy that he's not a pedophile (not yet accused)? Maybe he's just mad about the gay orgy held near the Vatican, with male escorts and all the trimmings. Yeah, that's it.

• Everybody loses stuff; we're just particularly good at it. Last week, somebody lost dinner. Ok, leftovers in a container, but still... 
• Somebody once said that we keep our landlines for the purpose of calling our cell phones to see where they are. 
• Yesterday, someone lost a case of dog food. Dog food. Can you imagine the talent involved in losing an entire case of dog food?
• Right before a job interview, I heard the famous phrase, "How does someone lose an entire suit?

Best Headline

Was Arianna Huffington involved in sex cult depicted in NETFLIX series?

• Not all news out of San Francisco is bad or involves Nanci Pelosi. An Uber car got stuck after accidentally driving down stairs. The driver was a senior citizen. He said he doesn't normally encounter this problem when driving off tall buildings.
• You know what's next, right? Uber car plows through convenience store. Senior citizen driver says, "I went to step on the brake and hit the gas instead."
• Mr Uber President? United Airlines is on line 2. They want to know if you want the name of their public relations firm.

A man near Seattle was arrested, suspected of sending suspicious packages to multiple military facilities in DC.  Police say his motive was not immediately clear, but [you know what's coming - sing along with lefty] there was no immediate connection to terrorism. And before you ask, I was nowhere near Seattle recently.

In unrelated news, a (non-elderly) man drove his car into the FBI building. In the moments after the crash, as they were hauling Muhammed bin Boom from his car, the FBI guys said that the crash had absolutely nothing to do with terrorism.

Today in Legal News

• New York, which has thus far saved its citizens from the scourge of drinking too much soda, as well as from people who are smoking while walking, has proposed making it illegal for employees to access work-related email outside their regular work schedules.
• Usually one must live in California to find this kind of outrageous silliness.

Something happens on the Supreme Court. Maybe it's the food. Maybe it's the atmosphere. Maybe stupid multiplies in proximity to other stupid, but in the interests of the country, someone had better find out.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been pictured falling asleep. She also said she would leave the country if Donald Trump got elected. And now former Justice John Paul Stevens says the recent demonstrators should demand a repeal of the Second Amendment. 

I am not a legal scholar - far from it. I am hoping that Stevens is, but it's dubious. The Second Amendment was to protect ourselves from tyranny, locally and governmentally, yet he sees no more use for it.  Somebody's been drinking the Kool Aid, Justice Stevens. You should be ashamed.

It was inevitable, but this is pretty quick

• In the news, yet another attractive high school teacher is up on charges, this time for performing repeated acts of oral sex upon an early teen boy. She will go to jail. The boy will get a wing of the school named after him, as well as straight A's and more pats on the back than all of the sports teams combined.
• Today brings us the news that more nursing assistants have been arrested for sex with patients. This is the second bunch to be charged, out of an Iowa care facility. 
• I don't know what you think, but before they are sentenced, can we have a study on this particular healing modality? At very least, sex releases endorphins, which are the body's own painkillers. That alone should qualify as therapy, so long as they don't try to bill it to the insurance company. What is more uplifting than sex with a 20-something nursing assistant? Except sex with the 44 year old assistant, who knows a few tricks the 20-somethings don't.
• The women were charged with sexual exploitation by counselor, therapist, or school employee.  Let's have a non-legal, non-medical, non-expert discussion of these charges. Sexual exploitation... let's ask the patients if they felt exploited. It's not like they were forced (unless they asked to be forced). The CNAs are not counselors, therapists, or school employees - there is no doubt or wiggle room there. Marshall the cocker could verify this.
• Stop for a moment. Think about baseball. Now, let's ponder sex with patients... I fully expect Weird Stuff to happen in any industry. We'd hear about it from time to time. But this particular Weird Stuff has happened at one facility. Do they do STD testing of employees? Do they hire from the horny pool? Is there something about new employee orientation that sets them upon the patients? What kind of weirdness would cause this to happen at one site? Something in the water? Depression caused by living in Iowa?
• If you, faithful readers, and I got together, we could solve many of the world's pressing problems. Meanwhile, I'm feeling ill. Perhaps a stay in Iowa would do me good.

Continuing the legal beat, a woman in Ohio was arrested for making lewd comments to the Easter bunny, while having her picture taken with it/him/her. Technically she was arrested for drunkenness, because, as we all know, it's not illegal to make lewd comments to the Easter bunny (unless you're in England and hurt Bunny's feelings).

• In-N-Out Burger in California (you think we'd get this far without a California story?) is filing suit against a prankster pretending to be their CEO. The prankster is a YouTube video-maker, and the chain wants damages of more than $25,000. Because pranksters on YouTube make that kinda money.
• In other news, employees of In-N-Out Burger in California have voted to keep a prankster claiming to be their CEO, as their CEO. An employee in their Van Nuys store said, on the condition of anonymity, "He's much nicer than the real CEO, so we're going with him."
• "This kind of thing would never happen here," said Atlanta Mayor Keisha Bottoms.

Seriously, people, you need to get control of these drones. I'm not kidding when I say lives are at stake. Down There in New Zealand, a drone came so close to a plane that the crew worried it would get sucked into an engine. Although planes are designed to operate on one less engine, you don't want to test the theory, right? The Boeing 777-200 was coming in for landing. 

In related news, New Zealand has planes? 777-200s?

Philly has planes too. And three-deep parking in the No Parking zone.

South Philly has double and triple parking in front of row homes. If you tell someone they cannot do that, they get up from their pasta and meatballs, come out their front door, and put a .45 right between your eyes.

• The dog just barked at a trash truck. Not that I mind him defending us from trash trucks, but this is Dog Behavior. It always freaks me out when he does something normal dogs do. I'd expect that he'd be guarding his mommy, in bed, at this hour of the morning.

Back to the Parkland shooting for a moment... there was a drill on that day.
Just like 9-11 and countless others. Note to everyone: if there's a drill scheduled for anything, take the day off sane. Or sick.

• I don't care how old you are; going from Bangkok to Phuket is funny.

Way back around 2000, I found an interesting online group, spending a lot of time chatting with them. I noticed some kind of common knowledge of an event, not related to the topic of the group. Finally I asked why it was a good idea not to be in New York around that time. And would I be in the path of whatever happened.... they indicated that I'd probably be ok but didn't know much more, other than a large, dangerous event.

Years later I recalled this and realized they were talking about 9-11-2001.

People and organizations are studying all sorts of odd things. At different places across the world, there are electronic coin-flippers, all connected to the internet. As we know, the odds of odd/even coming out on a coin toss is 50-50, more or less. The online flippers bear this out. Approximately a day before 9-11, they went widely out of pattern. Some people report dreams of burning buildings. Just information for you - do with it what you want.