He's not dead - He's respirationally challenged

Siri “unintentionally” recorded private convos; Apple agrees to pay $95M

Unintentionally. Just like Alexa. "Oh, we only record commands. Ok, we record everything."

Speaking of Evil Apple:  Apple auto-opts everyone into having their photos analyzed by AI for landmarks

For certain, no readers of this blog read Pornhub. If they did, this is how they'd get around the block, put there by legislators who fsck sheep in the bible belt.

Federal Court Blocks Louisiana Law Mandating Posting Of Ten Commandments In School Classrooms  [the next part of the republican agenda. Freedom of religion dictates that no religion should be pushed by the state. This law would also not do anything to help the children learn.]

Just in case you forgot what you read here, Elon Musk Uses Cybertruck Explosion to Show Tesla Can Remotely Unlock and Monitor Vehicles

Every now and then I look around and find myself back in the 1950s. The doctors tell me it's not anything they can treat. I was never in the 50s to begin with, so it's even more strange.

Why do I mention this?  A pharmacy that knows me by name. A vet where everybody comes out to say hi to the dog when we're there. A mailman who takes heavy packages inside (against regulations). A little coffee place that's pet-friendly. But mostly it's the neighbors. There's the one couple that's extremely nosy. Another family we exchange (legal) favors with. After Mrs. lefty lost her war with the railing, the neighbor snuck over and fixed it. I am assured this kind of thing went on all the time in decades past.

It's a shame that my temporal trips don't allow me to pick up a few guitars.... 50's guitars start in the 5 figure range now. Sometimes they get to the 6 figure range.

My neighbor is extremely handy - he does this for a living. I am extremely sleepy, but not for a living. I feel bad that I have little to trade...it's not like they need their guitars tuned or amps fixed. I know some stuff about being handy but it fails a bit in the execution. I know you need to drill holes in the ground and use a lot of super glue to put up a fence. I know to pick up the soldering iron by the cool side. I know not to solder in shorts, but none of this is too helpful to the neighbors. They should be happy, though - the neighbors stopped going missing last year or so....

Much like the government letting some UFP/UAP info slip through, cats are starting to show themselves. A guy's cat runs off. He chases and grabs. The cat claws his legs to shreds, after which the owner died from blood loss.  Just in case you had any doubts about cats.

My dog got out of the yard once. We found her, sitting by the front door, waiting to be let in. 

 Speaking of UFOs, 4 experts testified that the government is operating secret UFO/UAP programs.

Even a few moments' thought would make this obvious. They've been running secret UFO programs ever since there have been UFOs, maybe longer. Visits by men in suits or Men in Black have been documented. This didn't start last year.... and it's all documented somewhere....

We discovered a plumbing leak the other night. My dad used to rush over and fix plumbing issues, probably to get away from my mom. We miss them.

 Speaking of the dog, she dumped a lemon pastry on the floor the other day. She doesn't like lemon. We have no idea where she got it. I'd probably dump a lemon pastry too, but I know I don't like lemon either (and I'd just wind up having to clean it up. Again.).

Them Mushrooms Made Me See Pink Anvils

Your love is like  an artichoke smoothie

 Well, here's the announcement you've been waiting for: Psilocybin has no sort of long-term detrimental effects in healthy people.

Hopefully the study was done longer term than Flying AIDS meds.

psilocybin can be safely administered at doses of either 10mg or 25mg to up to six participants simultaneously.

What does six participants have to do with long-term safety?

potential treatment for a range of mental health conditions, including treatment-resistant depression (TRD) and PTSD.

Naturally we'll all be interested in seeing if this helps. Can you imagine the trials?

• Oh, wow, man... I forgot I was depressed
• I think the variations in talking hand tools really helped my PTSD
• Do I still have to avoid the brown acid?
• Is it ok to put these mushrooms in everyone's salad?

Today I identify as  a word people aren't allowed to say

New French Law Requires Car Commercials to Tell People to Walk or Bike Instead

The French are sometimes strange....

This is probably related to

• gambling abuse info during online gambling commercials
• alcohol commercials tell you to "drink responsibly"
• cigarettes carry a large warning saying "Cigarettes cause cancer"

Coming up are the following:

• electric cars advise you to use Hot Wheels
• houses advise you to rent cardboard boxes
• bicycles and masks tell you to Stay Home 
• red meat advises chicken
• cats recommend dogs
• cell phones tell you to go visit someone
• social media advises you to be nice to everyone
• YouTube advises you to open your front door and see what's happening

Flying AIDS News

WHO Downplays Threat of Covid-19 Variant Found in France

Italy bans unvaccinated people over the age of 50 from going to work, starting Feb 15

CDC muddles message on rapid tests while defending controversial guidance

John Deere now has self-driving tractors!

The advantages include:

• Run over your neighbors, blame the tractor
• Go into town and buy some fancy overalls
• Slip on over to Martha May's to sample her 'dumplins'
• Find more and better hayseeds to suck on, to maintain that suphistocated look
• Produce more youngins, after Ma gets the self-loading dishwasher
• the Tesla model, of course, spontaneously combusts

The tractors are banned in Kentucky because drunk tractor races require an actual drunk to actually operate them.

• Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?
• I'll take Questions that Nobody Asks for $500, Bob

President Biden was asked about the riot on 1/6.

He said, "But that's today!"

But seriously, folks... without taking sides, the most interesting thing to me was the difference in press coverage, especially abroad. You might see 'riot' in the US, while ARMED INSURRECTION was in the press overseas.

• Ghislane Maxwell was found guilty. This is no surprise.
• Ghislane Maxwell was found alive. THIS is a surprise.

The Grammys have been postponed. Pick a reason:

1. not enough white people getting awards
2. no music produced in the last year
3. even your pets won't watch
4. they have been a farce since the 1970s

• Rocket Launching has is becoming a huge thing.
• What we're missing is that we need new technology. Sure, watching that BOOM and splash of fire is great, but we need another way to do it. This technology is ancient. We can go farther and faster without the BOOM.

It's a darker shade of gray than normal out today. Looks like snow, which is odd, as it's supposed to snow tomorrow. So let me bitch that it's ugly and it snows in winter. People who move west sometimes bitch that there's no snow at Christmas. Me, I'm perfectly ok with no snow at all. The only time I want to see snow is on tv news. And I don't watch tv news.

Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray.substack.com) has been thrown off Paypal. He is the second right-leaning person to be thrown off. Now we can add Paypal to the list of companies setting the narrative. First it was banks dropping adult industry workers. Then social media chucking people with viewpoints they didn't like. Pretty soon, having certain viewpoints can make you invisible and unable to collect money. You need to pay attention to this even if you're not right-leaning. It's only a matter of time til your group is shut down.

As we're aware, plumbing is not my strong suit. So naturally the plumbing is messing with us. I wonder if it reads this blog. It's not bad enough the toilets get stuffed - this morning a sink didn't drain. We all know toilets have magic inside of them, but sinks... they go into black holes and warp space-time. Some stuff goes in and never comes out. I never took theoretical physics in high school, so I just take the Beatles' advice and Let it Be. For all we know, the top half of our sinks are right where we can see them, but anything under that comes out it a different universe. If we add quantum physics into the mix, plumbing only exists when we aren't observing it. So instead of calling a plumber, we need to call Michio Kaku, or really warp things and call Steven Hawking. Do you wonder what heaven looks like for Hawking? He can move freely and there are plenty of strip clubs (his assistants would routinely wheel him into strip clubs). 

So if Kaku and Hawking aren't available, I will have to don my Super Plunger cape and get in there. The plunger is the only piece of plumbing equipment I am qualified on (I took an internet course). I guess the only question is, while plungering a sink, will I suck up a different universe? If so, I want one where I'm almost deliriously happy and Wife is very well.

He's Not Writing About Sports Again, Is He?

Only a tiny bit, I promise.
It came to my attention, indirectly, that the Philadelphia Eagles won an important game. If you're from Philly, it's pronounced "Dem Iggles." I say indirectly because that's the only way I'd hear about it. I was in a mall or slaughterhouse somewhere and my phone started making noises, telling me my friends were in a group chat. It got really annoying, as any more than one DING does. They appeared to be commenting on a game. Since it's cold, it was probably Dem Iggles. I could see the straining through the phone. I suggested fiber. Apparently they won. My friends probably had to change their shorts after that. It took me quite a while to wash out the flying bits of animal that were intercepted by my clothes.

The whole thing reminded me of a lovely, happy celebration I saw once. It should be on a billboard that says "Welcome to Philadelphia".

I think she's a cheerleader

I told you it would only be a little bit.

I lied. Here's a little bit more: people are making dog masks and wearing them, in support of Dem Iggles. We are a nation of morons.

• Fortunately for Hawaii, the incoming missile alert was false. Triggered by one mouse click, the entire state went into panic. While one click set it off, there was no Cancel click, so 30+ minutes of panic ensued until somebody figured it out. Is it remotely possible that the alert system is about as mature as Carrot Top? That no one knows where to go? That we need a $*#)ing incoming missile alert? grumble grumble grumble YAH.
• The employee who clicked must be the most hated and horribly embarrassed person in 50 states. He was reassigned because it was a 'mistake'.
• Remember the Good Old Days, when the missile threat was from Russia?
• To give you an idea of how serious Hawaii is about security, they posted a serious looking picture of a serious looking man in front of serious looking computer equipment. It all looked pretty serious.. especially the password on the Post-it note, attached to a screen. It's apparent that we should just surrender now.

It's bloody snowing again. I flash back to winters where we barely saw snow [sigh]. True to form, our 'annoying dusting', which was to show up late tonight, managed to rear its ugly head at least twelve hours in advance. To be fair, the forecasters said eight. So they were damn near correct, especially for them.

But wait!!!!  It will snow tomorrow morning very early.  4-6" forecast, maybe 1-2", depending on day of the week and who you ask, and if their dice are rigged.

As soon as I started grumbling, I remembered a very early adopter of this (alleged) blog, who is completely friggin' buried under snow in Kentucky. Kentucky is prepared for snow only a little more than Hawaii. The drunken lawn tractor races have been postponed for a while, which is a shame, as this is the official sport of Kentucky. The KKK is deliriously happy, as it's white all around. They expect to have a highway cleared. At some point. The locals may be expected to clear streets themselves, which may require chains on their lawn tractors, and worst of all, being sober while running them. The local police have sprung into inaction, triggering heart attacks, because they thought it was raining cocaine. Can you imagine... 8+ inches of cocaine all over the place? People would be so stoned they couldn't move. Which may not be a bad thing for Kentucky.

The Kentucky Tourist Board says Come to Kentucky-it's a great place to rest.
Because you can't go anywhere.

• Indiana, free of snow (temporarily), is the site of yet another ransomware attack. Hancock Health got stung, forcing the entire crew to go back to pencil and paper. Employees under 25 had to go for training, as none could operate a pencil.
• Hats off to Hancock, which got back up shortly after the infection. This is due to good backups. How did they get infected? The most likely culprit was some genius, who was 'forced' to click on a link. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no law that says you must click. Practice safe surfing. Remember the ThermionicEmissions motto: Just Don't Do It.

If you use the Chrome browser, or browsers based on Chrome, you'll want to make sure you're not using these extensions: Change HTTP Request Header, Nyoogle - Custom Logo for Google, Lite Bookmarks, or Stickies - Chrome's Post-it Notes. They were designed to allow Bad People<tm> to send Bad Commands to your browser. Uninstall NOW.

• Perhaps it's my advanced age, but I'm flummoxed at the new trend of kids eating Tide laundry pods. Whatever happened to live frogs? As best I can tell, this stuff is not a part of the Recommended Daily Allowance of food, plus it would appear to be bad for you. If you're going to do it, don't be a sissy and just drink some radiator unclogger or Drano. Besides - everybody knows Tide with Bleach tastes better.
• When I was a teen, we put M-80s in glass soda bottles (remember them?) and ran like hell. Good clean fun - not like these kids today.

Is your computer sluggish? Does it have a bad attitude? Do you wish it was faster? Get yourself a solid state drive (SSD). I use them and can attest to the speed boost. Buy the largest you can afford because data expands - especially porn. You can even buy a small one to put your operating system on, the your data on your existing drive. A larger one will allow you to just duplicate your existing drive - the SSD comes with directions. If the thought terrifies you or you fear reading, ask your local teenager or geek. Everybody knows a geek. They can be paid in money, Dunkin Donuts gift certificates, or sex.

• Today's oxymoron: delicious vegetable lasagna.

The New York Times reports that the Pentagon has suggested countering cyberattacks with a nuclear response. That sounds like a perfectly normal response. I don't want to come off as any kind of expert on cyberattacks or nuclear retaliation, but I was wondering if maybe we could get some really hot cybersecurity people to harden the systems and some really hot hackers to put on the offense. The NSA has demonstrated that it has 'goodies' planted in foreign networks. Ah, now that I think about it, if we can't bill Lockheed for it, the Pentagon doesn't want to hear about it.  But using the nuclear option will certainly assure us that they won't do it again.

• Apropos of nothing, Pornhub saw a 50% increase in traffic from Hawaii in minutes after the false alarm was rescinded. The internet (the world) runs on porn.

Today we ask the question "Is this the golden age of drag?"
Why we ask the question completely escapes me. Stay tuned for other escapeful questions.

• New Jersey is a great place. It's a town where law and order rules the day If you don't believe me, ask the guy in Hackensack, who got a ticket for jaywalking, right after he got hit by a truck. 

Whither Plumbing

Meanwhile, on this Martin Luther King holiday, I have tackled trash, drains, toilets, dishes, and occasionally, the dog.  I'm strangely pleased. Instead of a four page screed on Manual Labor being hispanic, I'm borderline tipsy with glee. Wait, make that joy.. glee is a little too gay for me.

For those of you keeping track of and guiltily enjoying some of my horror, we had a Plumbing Event a short while back. Let's say that we came to appreciate the little things in life, like a glass of water, flushing the toilet, and showering. After paying yet another ridiculous bill, allowing Roto Ranger to buy a new truck, we were allowed to shower again (whether we wanted to or not). New truck aside, I have only good things to say about Roto Ranger. Nice guys, great work, they left it much cleaner than they found it, and they were polite enough not to say anything after they saw Jimmy Hoffa's body, over in the corner.

A coupla days ago, someone flushed a toilet. This is a fairly normal occurrence, which normally gathers no notice. This time, however, the other toilet let out a house-shaking gurgling, as if Satan himself had taken residence in our pipes. As the toilet was still on its mount, I gingerly backed out of the bathroom, content to let the Dark One do whatever dark ones do in plumbing.

Unimpressed by my display of leaving him alone, Satan continued his work, by making the toilet overflow when I flushed it. I swore, when it was all over, I was going to bill him for all the Playboys and Vintage Guitar magazines that got ruined. Later, I was summoned to the torture chamber basement, where it was raining. Now it wasn't raining outside, so I used my Science Brain to deduce that it was only raining inside. This is why I get the Big Bucks. She had just showered, which must've had something to do with the rainfall (I told you I was good). She shouted out directions in the way only she can, which meant I only understood about half of what she said. This served only to annoy her, at which point I started to feel bad for Satan.

The rain seemed to be coming from a large diameter pipe that had the nerve not to be cloud-shaped. Fortunately for us, the water was coming down outside the pipe. Yes, it was still raining, but it wasn't from a burst pipe. In my life, it's always the little things.

Out of nowhere, I wondered if it had something to do with that little lever jigger that you use to keep the water from going down the drain if you want a bath. In a stunning display of bravery and confidence, my wife had removed it because it wouldn't shut all the way. Unfortunately, bravery didn't extend to putting the new one in. Apparently this way My Job, but I didn't know it until just that moment, in the basement rain. There was no transfer paperwork or customary thirty days' notice. The only problem was that I didn't see it come out and had no idea how it worked. I checked with the brand spanking new Master Plumber, who told me all I needed was to put back the screws. This went swimmingly, only causing a few trips up and down steps, and about thirty minutes of screaming at the parts. It still didn't work, which made the Master Plumber give up. A few adjustments later and I fixed it (he said proudly). If I were a real plumber, I would have charged her $550 for it, plus the off hours fee.

A day later, the basement sink got clogged. Satan had been a busy little bee. The Master Plumber got right on it, with her lotions and her potions, designed to blow a hole in the ... ummm... hole.  At that point, the Master Plumber handed things over to the Reluctant Apprentice and promptly retired, screaming about someone had better fix it or we'd have to take out a fourth mortgage to pay the real plumber. She was kind enough to leave me detailed instructions that only left out a few steps here and there. If you ever get bored, or get a clogged sink, pour baking soda on/in it, then some vinegar. It's like a mountain of an explosion that gets down there and cleans and shines your pipes to a mirror finish. One pot of boiling water and two plunges later, we were back in business.

I didn't expect or deserve a parade; it was my damn sink too. I told her maybe just a little kiss on the cheek and a high-pitched "You're my HERO!" Judging by the way she held the chainsaw in her hand, I was unlikely to get much of anything, except for bloody.

HALLELEUJAH, we had achieved pipes! Water flow. Dishes. Toilets flushing.
Just for fun I plunged a toilet, which flushed effortlessly.  The other one... well.. Satan was still in the house, making that horrible noise when the other toilet flushed. This time it sounded like an earthquake, with the toilet about to shoot across the room at any moment. Flying toilets are not in my job description, so I called the Plumbing Police and told them to bring a priest. He did his magic and blessed the place, stopping only long enough to ask if there were any good little children who wanted to be his special altar boys.

In other news, we're thinking of laying off the fiber.


)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((


Apparently I typed too quickly.

The Demons of Stupidity came back for another exciting round.
After working 2 jobs, I had to go food shopping because I was OUT OF COFFEE. You understand the implications of this.

Let's say never send a man to do a woman's job.

She shops, which is good. She physically couldn't, so I did.
She wrote out a list, assuming I knew what she was talking about and where everything was. See where this is going?

First item, special cheese. I had to call and ask what this was.
Call cell phone: goes right to voicemail. sigh.
Call house phone: all circuits are busy.
WHAT?
All circuits are busy. Since when? It's 2018 - why can't I complete a phone call?
Plugged earphones into phone, so I could listen to music. The cord tied itself around the phone and every other object it could find. This is when one or the other wasn't falling out of an ear. I see people using earphones every day. Do I need a class for special earphone users? Does the valedictorian get his picture taken with President Nixon?

Have you ever seen somebody go completely MENTAL in a supermarket?
It was all I could do not to scream bloody murder. My day apparently wasn't going as well as I hoped. My phone helped by readjusting the volume to 'protect' me. This is almost as welcome as my car DINGING at me repeatedly when I take off my seatbelt. Seatbelt: the thing that holds your dead body in the car after the crash. The thing that gets caught and keeps the door from closing.

I was finally going to get my lemon Snapple.
Oops, I was prematurely optimistic, as I tend to be premature in general. No lemon Snapple except for diet. People who drink Diet Snapple also drink 2% milk. They eat two hoagies and a diet Snapple, because they're worried about their weight.
I think the store just stopped carrying it and is just screwing with their customers, telling them it will be on the shelf tomorrow. I would definitely do that. This is one of the many reasons I don't work in retail. One of the others is that customers who annoyed me (most of them) kept mysteriously developing burns on random parts of their bodies. They never found out how it happened.

How about some chocolate milk from the list?
Good luck finding chocolate milk. There is a wall with four separate doors, full of milk. But no chocolate milk. Oh wait - how about some lactose-free chocolate milk? Ummmmm..... no. Hmmmm.... 2%?  No serious person drinks 2% chocolate milk. Hey, there's another cold section with actual chocolate milk. Of course there is. And it's not chocolate milk, it's some bizarre chocolate drink-like substance, probably with no actual chocolate in it. Meanwhile, the phone is continuing to help me by adjusting the volume of the music, sometimes in the middle of a song. I'm singing out of tune with a song only I can hear in my head. I was very busy shopping, but it had something to do with chopping off heads and general indiscriminate maiming. My eyeballs are spinning like a slot machine. People were fleeing the general vicinity. Little children were crying. And I could find bags of lemons but no actual loose lemons. I'm told it's inappropriate to hurl bags of lemons over your head like some kind of 'special' superhero. Lemon Man - Lemon Man can! Am I digressing? You bet your car's blown fuse that keeps the interior lights from coming on, I'm digressing.

There are certain facts that are helpful to know.
The most relevant one, aside from letting someone ELSE do the shopping, is that you cannot buy real chocolate milk - only 2%. It's apparently been this way for a while. All this time I've been protesting getting screwed by two political parties that aren't different from each other, when I could be protesting something important - who the hell says I can't have real full fat-engorged chocolate milk? Who is 'protecting' me from chocolate milk? 2% milk is for people who think 2% is going to make the tiniest bit of difference in their lives. Like drinking it is going to make you look like a Victoria's Secret model. "Oh, I drink 2%. You can keep your real milk."

At this point, seven people move their carts directly in front of the milk, as if choreographed. There was chocolate milk back there, but I'd have to go through all seven of them, grab the chocolate milk, then pay and run to the car, hoping they wouldn't call the police. The irony here is that the police were down the street, at the convenience store (no, not the Dunkin Donuts).

Once home, I put away some groceries, after it being noted that everything I purchased was wrong, and I look slightly to my left. Where both huge halves of the sink are completely full and backed up from Satan knows where. All over again.

The wife reminded me that murder stubbornly continues to be illegal.

My hard-earned, small, just for me bonus?
It's going to the plumber.
Sometimes they like to torture me by letting me touch the money first. I get actual money and can feel its crispness, smell the fresh glory of the green. If I were a dog, I could smell the drug residue on it, as most money has drug residue on it. I can imagine what I'll do with it. Then the sink backs up, the money leaps out of my pocket, and if I don't pay the home improvement salesmen, they're threatening to send more of them around, especially during dinner.


Epilogue:
The job took my entire bonus, plus another ten percent, for good luck. I saw things that people should never see.

The NSA Does Not Follow This Blog (officially)

Here's a very simple guide to privacy on the net: browsing, messaging, and email.

• Ever have a dream continue over sleep and several naps? I just had a real doozy, involving family (no idea whose), military aircraft, fresh roads, and a talking bunny named Frank.

Some more Philly Firsts: Philly is ranked 6th in longest commute times (averaging 52 minutes). However, Philly is 16th on the list of most stressful commutes. Los Angeles being first.  Last but never least, Philly is sixth in sweatiest cities, as determined by central air conditioning, popularity of public transportation, citywide bike sharing programs, and the “hottest” professions. In other words, we don't know either, but we're proud to be near the top of any list.

• It's starting to get cooler, unfortunately. For the past few days, I've had my portable heater on, to take the chill off.  Today, it was going to be rainy all day. The sun is out. I just heard the air conditioner turn on. You can't blame a weather forecaster for the weather, but you can blame them for being wrong most of the time.

I'm looking at new cell phones. It's very interesting, from a consumer perspective, and even from a Weird Consumer perspective. I'm not certain any of my choices are a serious improvement over what I have. One actually has the same processor. The new features do not impress me at all (your mileage may vary). If you're shopping, pay careful attention to the specifications and features, comparing your current phone. If you're looking at an android, head over to androidforums.com - they have lots of information about most android phones and have been an invaluable asset to me.


-----------------------------------

The Social Justice Warriors are out (moreso), looking for ways to ruin Halloween. They didn't have to look far.... children now must be racially sensitive and only dress as their heroes that look like them, because of White Privilege. Only brown children may dress as Moana. If your white children are upset that they cannot be Moana, tell them it's because they're awash in White Privilege that the other children will never see. The other children are being dressed as Victims.

I don't want to be insensitive (well, maybe a bit). I'd like to hear your thoughts and stories about this important topic. Respond and tell me what White Privilege has done for you and when you renounced it. If you're not white, make something up.

By the same token, only people dripping in White Privilege can dress as ghosts. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Jesus, most of the Allman Brothers.... crackers only. Furthermore, Trump, Hillary Clinton, Harvey Weinstein, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, and Katy Perry... all for the melanin-challenged.

Still to be adjudicated is the matter of different species. Let's say your child wants to dress like a mouse. Mice have no ethnicity. Do you dissuade them until the ruling comes down, for fear of microaggressing some poor downtrodden minority? Furthermore, people of color cannot dress as horses. Even though they're largely brown, horses are a symbol of White Privilege, because they carry white people. An exception can be made if your caucasian friend takes the rear of the costume, because whitey should always ride in the back.


------------------------------------------

• COWORKER: you need to turn left at Main, then right at Broad to get to the building.
• ME: I need to go to the building? Which?
• COWORKER: turn left at Main, then right at Broad.
• ME: which building?
• COWORKER: the building you need to go to
• ME: what building is that?
• COWORKER: Oh, the one you need to go to. Main, then Broad.
• All day at work. Every. Single. Question. I. Ask. Guaranteed to be the  answer to the wrong question. This person is not stupid.

The NAACP has issued a Travel Advisory for American Airlines, citing a series of recent incidents. After checking out the incidents, it looks like pure, hideous airline customer service. In fact, if one were to put together a list of incidents during this time frame for all passengers, the list would dwarf the NAACP claim.

• Today, in a special feature, we are going to take a few moments away from our usual snark for empathy: FBI Director Wray, at a conference in Philadelphia, said encryption has kept the agency from accessing 7,000 mobile devices. 
• Ok, that's enough empathy. In other words, encryption is doing what it's supposed to do.

If you're visiting a website and are asked to run an Adobe Flash update, don't. And when I say don't, I mean don't, no, nay, nein, etc. There's a nasty bit of ransomware floating around called Bad Rabbit. It depends on you saying YES to the install. So don't, ok?

We're in the midst of the Great Plumbing Emergency of 2017.

What is the Great Plumbing Emergency of 2017? 

One day my wife, who notices these sorts of things, noticed a small pond in the basement. With her team of crack detectives (named so because they're on crack), she quickly traced it to a leak in a pipe.

In normal households, this would prompt a call for a plumber. You know what's coming next, right? Ours is not a normal household. Looking at Things in General, it was apparent that this was not going to be a cheap repair. And let's face it - whenever you need to call someone, it's not going to be a cheap repair (if they show up to repair it).  Keep in mind that every cent we have now goes to the vet's Mercedes Fund. If I'm particularly good, I get a Snapple on Fridays. We didn't always contribute to the Mercedes Fund; before this, we put her kids through college.

Enter Dad the Hero. Dad locates a gadget that stops the problem cold. He tells us this is an 'interesting' fix, which could last six weeks or sixty. Hopefully in the meantime, we can get our income switched from the vet to the plumber.

As if on target, about six weeks later, we sprouted a new, improved leak, from a new, improved location, about a foot to the left. With barely a WHOOSH, Wife ran off to locate another Dad Gadget. After combing the city, she located one. In precisely the wrong size. This was probably a good thing anyway, as the pipe would have laughed at us and developed yet another hole.

Some very loud fellow in advertising pitches this black tape that will, after you saw your boat in half, patch it back to new, with no leaks. Because this is As Seen On Tv, my wife has to purchase it. To this day, the doctors have not figured out why. The stuff works. It is very easy to apply, provided it does not get stuck to itself, which it did, requiring the purchase of more. We patched it up, with absolutely no leaking. For damn near a few days, at which point, the leak had moved a few inches to the left. At this point, in addition to the Daffy Duck nature of this effort, it's feeling a bit personal.

More black stuff acquired, we patched the new hole. Something didn't feel right, but for the second time in my life, I kept my mouth shut. And sure enough, within minutes, the leak continued. 

My intention is not to go all Mr. Spock on you, but logic would dictate that putting black, sticky material over a hole would seal the hole. Not apparently in lefty Universe. The new, extra black stuff wouldn't hold. There was a lot of frustration and looking at each other.

Have I mentioned we were cutting our water usage to bare minimum? 

A friend occurred, who said no problem, and repeated, verbatim, the advice we got on how to fix this. Cool - let's put him to work. After running around the city a few more times, just because we apparently like it, we were told to use this cement-like stuff that they use to seal battleships in the water. Joy! So off he went to do whatever he went to do and then apply the cement-like stuff. I'm at work, mind you, so I got way too many phone calls, describing the circus-like atmosphere.  

With the pipe all fixed and the promise to come back the next day to finish, with yet another Miracle Gadget, Mrs lefty went to check out the repairs. Sure enough, it was leaking from two small spots. With her eyes rolling back into her head, then bouncing against each other like a slot machine, she patched the two little spots. Yay wife! Aside from two continuing or new leaks, everything was fine and we were back where we started, with two leaks.

At this point, my suspicion is that if we hired the best plumbing outfit in the area, they wouldn't show up. When we called the second best plumbing outfit, they'd show up, give us a price that would cover a new car, then never return. Pulling a random plumbing outfit from the search, they'd show up, install entirely new plumbing, and watch, as two new leaks sprouted in a bathroom that wasn't involved in the first place. Daffy appears, feeling dejected, and goes off the walls, defying gravity and making very strange noises.

So we have thrown everything at this pipe but the refrigerator. This is a good thing, as the fridge is making a noise, indicating that it needs to be replaced. The normal three ring circus has expanded, with a load of clowns occupying the fourth ring.

Amateur Plumbing Dude appears with this saw contraption that looks like it will burst into flames the moment he tries to use it. He has a Great Idea that involves removing a section of pipe, then putting in a new section with paste that he no doubt ate in second grade. Inspecting his work, we discover two plastic containers used to support something or other, welded to the pipe. I'm sure he had a plan for these but we're starting to notice that he has perfectly sound concepts that he perfectly fails to execute. We're trying to decide if the fact that he brings his girlfriend is a positive or negative. Since she is not harming Marshall, we call it a draw. Yes, it's Hopalong Plumbing.

I forgot to mention the really fine guy across the street, who does home repairs and plumbing. We're terrified to let him into the house, lest he find Jimmy Hoffa somewhere in the dark, past the small ponds, and alert the authorities.

It's early morning, it's raining and horribly gray, there is still some construction outside, complete with what sounds like someone sawing concrete, the phone calls have stopped due to the wife stopping, and I'm at work, with no idea how this is going to be completed.

I am also scaring my coworkers, because I look like a combination of the good old boys who hunt ghosts on some horrid reality show, and the people who inexplicably feel it's a great idea to live in Alaska during the heavy snow period (August to July). Not to mention the guys who build tree houses, because they too have no plumbing.



Fast forward some random period of time. The Fly-by-Night Plumbing having fallen on its face, I was sent to work on the issue by The Boss (aka Wife). She handed me a bag and told me it was self-explanatory.  

What - the bag?

The self-explanatory bag contained Plumbing Repair Stuff and was somewhat less self- explanatory than stated.  Off I went, to watch the 'repaired' plumbing drip. The professionals managed, with the aid of piles of repair stuff, to consolidate all the drips to one small stream. 

I gave up and called a national chain, which immediately flew in a plumber to assess the situation. He asked if we were ready to go and I told him to look around. Ten minutes later, he was back, letting us know he couldn't find anyone to help him with the task and they'd fly in tomorrow morning to do the work.

That's self-explanatory, no?

Holes in My Hose

I was sitting there, minding my own business, as most of these stories begin, and there's a voicemail from the Good neighbor. The one who hasn't called the city because my lawn hasn't been edged 'correctly'. This lady is the neighbor you want to have; the sweet old lady. She is the one Marshall has trained to feed him on command. He goes out by her door and barks once. She appears with a hot dog or something and feeds him.  If she fails to feed him, he will sit there and stare at her door, through sun, rain, and snow. He 'buys' her flowers and assorted goodies, like a Pet by Proxy.

The voicemail said that the hose was leaking and there was a lot of water.

Uh-oh.

My wife collects many things, among them hoses and hose accessories. Just last week I attached a new hose and nozzle. Why? Because the other one was old. Ok. We started with a generic hose. It's the same kind of hose everyone had. It was a good hose, a sturdy hose. When you needed to water or fill the dog's pool, it was the hose to use. Because the hose sat, I ran it over on one of my dreaded interactions with the mower. Then the flat hose, featured on countless infomercials, with very loud, fast-talking pitchmen. This either sat in its box or spontaneously disappeared - I can't keep track. The next hose either got old or a house fell on it.

The new hose is green, as they tend to be, but has some odd fabric covering on it and tends to shrivel up or something when there's no water flowing. While I'm fine with computer systems and networks, the Hose Parade escapes me. With the overriding motto in my head (Happy Wife, Happy Life), I tightened all the fittings. There, Dear; new hose.

After the neighbor notice I went immediately to the Hose Site. When I say immediately, I mean after a brief stop at the snack table and Snapple dispensary.  My sharp-eyed neighbor was correct: there was lots of water. The nozzle itself was in perfect condition, not allowing one drop of water to flow. The hose, however, had quite a number of pinpricks in it, with little sprays of water gracing the air, causing a misting effect in spots. While this is good on a 95 degree day at Disney, while waiting in a two hour line, it's not so good toward a summer evening by a house.

A new hose.

The faucet was wide open, which verifies Wife used it. Wife seems to think that if it works, it'll work better turned up full. Unfortunately this is her attitude toward too many things in life. I'm surprised the plumbing in the shower hasn't spit pipes or fixtures at us yet. After I applied the software updates and manual intervention (I turned off the faucet), the deluge stopped.

Upon notifying Wife that new hose needed to be returned, she said it was years old. Well if it was years old, why wasn't it hooked up years ago? And why does an old hose automatically develop quite a number of holes? And why am I even blathering on about this? Maybe there will be some Intensive Hose Expeditions in our future. Just so long as I don't have to mow.  Know what keeps me awake at night? The thought that the kid we have mowing the lawn will grow up and move away.

• There is a very old, very serious vulnerability in Diebold ATMs. Mind you, this is the company that manufactures voting machines. Although serious, the vulnerability requires putting a rod through the speaker, jacking open the top half, then doing some software jiggling, hopefully someone would notice this happening, even if the guy with the crowbar was wearing a coverall that said ATM MAINTENANCE GUY.

The Gun Grabbers are atwitter about 'smart guns', which can't fire without certain factors, like a special bracelet. A hacker recently did a presentation on a number of ways to defeat a specific German system, one involving radio waves and another a few cheap magnets. One also wonders if there will be time and opportunity to put on a bracelet before having to use the gun, but that's a different matter entirely.

• I wanted to bring you this important bit of information before you hear it somewhere else: not being attracted to trans people is deeply transphobic. 
• In response, someone ventured: Hey lesbians, refusing to sleep with straight guys is deeply heterophobic. Bring your girlfriend too. Monogamous relationships are a patriarchal western ideal anyway.

An unnamed casino got hacked. How? The Internet of Things fish tank. After they got in through the tank, they went wild on the casino's network. This is a preview of what's coming to your house.

• After you buy your router, here are some tips to secure the beast. They're all pretty simple and common sense, but help immensely.

If you're a customer of Virgin America, WestJet, or Spirit Air, your data may be in the wild. Check with the airline and change your passwords, at very least.

• Remember lefty's Law: anything worth doing can be done from the couch

I mentioned that we were testing out Zakk Wylde's Valhalla and Death Wish coffees. Death Wish has much more caffeine than regular coffee. I was told they drink like medium roast and they weren't kidding.  They weren't bad but I'm continuing with Peet's French Roast. I missed the body and roast. The caffeine boost didn't do much for me. I am not panning the brand - I urge you to try it, especially if you like medium roast coffee.

• It should come as no surprise by now that there are internet-connect car washes. As we, ThermionicEmissions readers know, if there's a system, there's a hack. And this one's a doozy. This particular hack can literally have the car wash attack your car and you! Not really as bad as a feature-length movie about a rogue car wash attacking a small city, this one can potentially strand your car, hit it with some sprayers, and dump some water. Note to first daters: you can be the hero and rescue your date from the Evil Car Wash. That would have to be worth some points...

Speaking of hacks, check out  https://haveibeenpwned.com/ - put in your email address and see if it exists on any number of hack lists. This may be a depressing click.

In strange related Hose News, we experienced a Plumbing Issue. The issue got what looked like a bandaid. The Issue sprouted up in another place. While attempting the Bandaid Maneuver, it popped up in other places. Suffice it to say that it has become a Rather Large Plumbing Issue, which insurance may or may not cover. It's potentially an Expensive Rather Large Plumbing Issue, unlike the Hose Issue.

You will note the timing on this coincides with the upcoming biopsy on Marshall's oral growth.

Notice we have savings: Marshall's biopsy and Plumbing Issue

Notice we don't have enough savings: Marshall's biopsy and Plumbing Issue.

Notice that, as George Harrison said, It's All Too Much: Mrs. lefty has been non-functional for a while.

Marshall, bless him, has to be bribed to take his ridiculous amount of meds. We've been through peanut butter, cheesecake, lunchmeat, leftovers, French Toast Sticks, and now American cheese. He's walking around like Tommy Chong; saying, "Wow, man" and sleeping a lot.

Giving Darwin a Little Push

So I'm driving along, minding my own business, and everybody else's because none of them can drive, and there's a biker, biking in my lane, outside of a bike lane. I would be the bad guy if I ran him over.

A little later there was a person walking in the street on a tiny two lane road. I remember thinking it was getting late and maybe he should have tried in an hour, when no one could see him. I would not be the bad guy then.

• If you're a Snapchatter, and who among us is, you should turn off SnapMap yesterday, especially on your children's phones. It's a new location tracker, letting everyone know where they are. You know.. everyone. Friends. bullies, neighbors, child abusers, etc...

Ever have an earworm? No, not that thing in the Star Trek movies that eats into your brain. An earworm is a song that gets into your head and won't leave (kinda like that thing in the Star Trek movies). 

You know you've raised a great kid when they come up with creative, personal gifts for your birthday. My friend's son picked up his ukulele (stop it) and belted out a Foo Fighters song, her favorite band. She was joyful and sent copies to everyone. And now I've got "Learning to Fly" stuck in my brain. On ukulele.

• I stll can't type.

Among the most interesting(?) facts I learned in the past few days is that Patti Smyth ("Goodbye to You") married John McEnroe and gave up music until recently. In addition to being a great lefty tennis player, he's a lefty guitar player. Another fact is that he said Serena Williams is a great tennis player, but would be ranked 700 on the men's circuit. I smell war.

• A Southwest Air flight was diverted after a passenger tried to open the door while in the air. She was subdued. Those of us who have seen a season or two of Air Crash Investigation know it's physically impossible to open a plane door in flight because of pressurization.

My laptop power cord has a problem with me: second day in a row, it has disconnected itself. Either that or it feels it's due a vacation. I wouldn't want me pounding on me either.

• We are enduring some sort of cosmic mess starting with plumbing. The small lake in the basement was caused by a broken pipe. A temporary patch was applied, with the warning that we really need to get the pipe replaced. So we're saving. As we get close to the Magic Number, Marshall's vet bills and the new windshield arrived.
• The new small lake in the basement was caused by a brand new break in the pipe, about a foot or two down from the first break, whose repair has held up wonderfully.
• The toilets are no longer talking to each other, but have developed an allergy to solid matter being flushed. 
• I was looking for an excuse to stop eating fiber and now it's here!

You heard it here first: the National Endowment for the Arts is spending $20,000 on a film about an illegal immigrant lesbian who falls for a TSA agent. I'm against federal funding for all arts, but this time the Motion Picture Agency of America is on my side, of all people. They are terrified of the public discovering that movies can be made on a $20,000 budget.

• The University of Arizona wants to set the record straight: they have no relationship with a visiting scholar from France who identifies as a hippopotamus.
• To set the matter even straighter, the hippo is an alter-ego.
• This week I identify as a fire truck. Let me know what you identify as...

Last week, Johnny Depp asked when the last time an actor assassinated a president was. This week on the Presidential Hit List, John Cusack put up a graphic that states "You are dead. Get yourself buried."

You know me - I hold freedom of speech sacrosanct. I don't want to imply they shouldn't be allowed to say it. It's just pretty ugly. This didn't happen when Hollywood's Hero, the Obamachrist, was in office. I sure didn't wish for his death in public (or private), although I don't exactly have the reach of celebrity.

Predictably, the right is going mental about actors issuing death threats.
Predictably, the left is as quiet as the press was on Obama.
Do I believe that actors are issuing death threats? Please.
Do we need to look at what's happening upstream and who's trying to divide us? You tell me.

• Mozilla has a new privacy-focused browser called Focus. It was already available for iOS and now you can get it for android, both from the usual places. It's a very fast, stipped down browser that blocks ads and all sorts of trackers. If any of this breaks the site you're viewing, you can turn it off.
• I just installed it. It's very fast. Give it a shot.
• Having said that, I'll have to look into how this is different from Firefox with proper blocking extensions installed. I'm guessing the extensions are just integrated.

This is why we can't have safe things: Britain's latest aircraft carrier, the HMS Queen Elizabeth (3.5 billion pounds, which is Very Heavy in dollars), is vulnerable to cyber attacks because some of its systems run Windows XP.  The latest aircraft carrier. Runs an absolutely ancient version of an operating system. That operating system is Windows. Do you see where I'm going with this? Isn't it obvious to any first grader that you don't use ancient, no-longer-supported operating systems for anything, no less a new aircraft carrier? The ship actually has a team of people checking for cyber attacks. HMS stands for Hack My Ship.

It would be much easier to just paint HACK ME, I USE XP on the sides.

Dear Mother Nature...

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Going to the Carnival

Carnival Cruises is in deep shit again.  By that I mean for the third time, a Carnival ship has experienced broken plumbing.  These people cannot seem to get it right.  The only positive here is that the ship was docked, not dead in the middle of some ocean somewhere.

An esteemed coworker wondered aloud why it is that every time there is a systems failure on a Carnival ship, it immediately affects the plumbing.

First Mate, the anchor has broken - man the toilets!

Captain - our radios have failed.  I'll get the toilet paper. 

Let me be the first to suggest some minor changes in their advertising:

Excrement Cruise Lines
Come Cruise with Us (and Shit)

We Strove for a Stove

I'm almost uncomfortable, now that I think about it, having to admit that I've had a broken oven for the greater part of two years.  We do have a toaster oven and a microwave, not to mention the stove works, so we were generally ok.  I terribly missed my wife's Xmas Cookies of Death but we must do what we must do.  Anyone can make or buy chocolate chip cookies but my wife makes them something special. I make a point of not having nuts in cookies but I don't mind when my wife does it.  They're even better than my mom's cookies, which is saying a lot.

Out of the blue, a stove/oven dropped on us.  Not in the same way the deer dropped on my car; more of a surprise exchange.  Since we knew it was coming, we were able to make plans to get it in the house, make room and see about installation.  Since installation was two hundred and fifty dollars, we opted for the Dad Fix (Dad would come over and do it).

Making room looked to be the most difficult part of the program.  You'd think it would be a matter of removing the old stove and moving in the new one, but we don't do anything normally.  Suffice it to say that clear floor space is at a premium (which is a nice way of saying that we're just a few square feet of space away from an episode of Hoarders).  Days of cleaning and moving stuff ensued, spearheaded by my ever-moving wife.  Since the kitchen is at the back of the house, we decided the oven would exit and enter by the back door (with the dog and cat).

The fateful day arrived and I took off work.  Dad arrived and took the wife to Lowes, where my wife likes to spend money.  When they returned, we unhooked the old stove and took it out.  And when I say took it out, I mean it wouldn't go through the back door, so we had to put it on a cart, wheel it through the house, out the front door, and around the back of the house because we can't leave it out front.  We have to call the township to remove it.

After much cursing, we got the old unit out then brought the new unit all the way around, up the front steps and through the house to the kitchen.  More cursing.   Then Dad discovered he had purchased the wrong size plumbing: the house had 3/4" gas lines because it was put together by drunken monkeys, piece by piece, over years.  More cursing and another Lowes trip later, we had all we needed.

I learned all about taping threads, shutting off the gas to the house, screwing things on and the liquid that looks for leaks (LLL).  I also learned not to shut off that other valve because that's not gas.  Fortunately I did not learn like I normally do - the hard way.

We turned the gas back on, tested the burners, pushed back the stove and we were off!  For some strange reason everything worked.  Since it was the beginning of winter, we were in a bit of a hurry to restart the water and house heaters.  Water came right back up but the house heater, which is at least as old as me, took longer.  If called upon, I could absolutely not remember how to start either of them.

My dad mused that this one hour job took four, which is about right.  The wife was thrilled that we had a working stove.  It even had a digital display and timer.  It was white, which will no doubt change quickly.  My back was saying nasty things to me in a rather threatening tone, so we all went out for lunch (at 4 o'clock).

An oven is nice but it's an awful shame about the plumbing.

The plumbing?

Yes, the plumbing.  My wife informed me that there was rather a lot of water in the basement sink.  It was going nowhere and apparently was backing up, due to the internal kids flushing paper towels.  No amount of plumber's helpering would clear the mess.  She got out chemicals, which usually work but also failed.

The wife consulted my dad, my brother and the Home Depot Handbook.  We borrowed a snake, which also failed.  Finally she flushed some RidX down the toilet and within hours, we had no water in the sink.

Let's face it - I'm a knowledge worker.  I wasn't built to move boxes or do plumbing.

CAR UPDATE

We took the car to the insurance-approved collision center.  They immediately got upset and said it shouldn't be driven.  We should hear back today on the status.

Venison: it's what's for dinner.

Toilet or Amusement Park Ride?

So I'm at work, sitting there, minding my own business, making use of the facilities.  All of the sudden, the device upon which I am sitting starts to display an in and out soft of motion, completely uncharacteristic of normal operation.

This is not to say that we haven't had more than our share of strange happenings in our rest rooms, no sir.  We have a urinal that's only operational one day per week, between being broken and physically being missing.  We have a stall that has a semi-permanent lake just to the right of it.  And we have automatic paper towel dispensers that never give you the same amount of paper towel twice in a row.  Regardless of what size they give you, it's not enough.

Doing a quick inventory, I assure myself that I have not forgotten any of my Happy Meds<tm>, nor have I forgotten to eat.  I have no outstanding appointments with any doctors. 

Plumbing has been known to shake a bit here and there, but I was experiencing rather a prolonged excursion, somewhat on the order of a child ride at the amusement park.  When porcelain moves, it's a bit difficult to determine whether it's just the porcelain or the entire building.

Bright soul that I am, I decided out would be a good place to take myself.

Back in my office, everyone was atwitter (does that still mean the same thing?) about the earthquake.

Oh.

How did we know it was an earthquake?  Because everyone on Faceyspaces said so.

Oh.