Unicorn Sightings Are Rare These Days

Peter Fonda's in the news, after he posted a tweet suggesting Barron Trump be ripped from his parents and put in a cage with pedophiles.

Melania Trump called the Secret Service.

Fonda deleted the tweet and apologized. We are assured that the Secret Service visit had nothing to do with the cracks in his skull, black eyes, and individually broken fingers.

We checked Twitter for Other Tweets Peter Fonda Deleted:

1. Obama is black, the bastard
2. Watch me put my penis in this pencil sharpener
3. DAMN my daughter is hot
4. I've got snails in my rectum

ABC has apologized for a graphic declaring Manafort pleaded guilty to manslaughter. What they meant to say was "Manafort builds model cars." Anyone could make that mistake.

• Many have predicted that the apocalypse will occur on the summer solstice, for some reason or another, ranging from Billy Graham dying to Kelloggs discontinuing Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. As the solstice has passed, some are starting to doubt the dire predictions. The people who predicted the tragedy said they made a mistake and pushed the date forward, but refuse to tell us when.
• Hollywood blames the NRA for the Apocalypse's failure to occur.

Speaking of proof of God's existence, Star Wars sequels have been put on hold after the most recent cash grab flopped. Also, there is only one treehouse show left on tv.

• Janet Jackson revealed her battle with depression.
• My wife is bipolar and has never bared her nipples onstage.

A woman is suspected of serving her ex-lover's remains at a barbecue.

Guests said, "He tasted like chicken."

• A Kansas man was charged for repeated attempts to have sex with a parked car's tailpipe. 
• The man's blood alcohol was four times the legal limit. His lawyer said, "There is no legal limit for having sex with a tailpipe."  Asked for comment, the man said, "It was a really hot tailpipe."
• Florida's Governor proposed a new state motto: We're messed up but least we didn't try to have sex with a tailpipe.
• Peter Fonda blamed Trump. Democrats called for gun control.

Canada has announced that it will not be attending the Philadelphia Guitar Show this year. The prime minister will be dress shopping with Celene Dion. A spokesman for Dion said she hopes to find him something nice and not too splashy.

• Guilt is twelve times stronger than gravity

Software tip: if you're looking for linux software that does what popular Windows software does, check out AlternativeTo - it also works for other operating systems. OS Alt finds open source alternatives to closed source or commercial software.

My new old office at home is proving quite useful, if for nothing else, escape from humanity. There is a phone on my desk, which makes me feel important. It isn't connected to anything, which also helps in my quest to remain invisible. It still has its original dust, which has kept the insects from taking over. One of the little buggers had developed speech and says stuff to confuse me during evening hours... it can successfully imitate my wife and gives conflicting orders, successfully imitating my wife.

Nothing has fallen and injured me, which is a very pleasant surprise, suggesting that the room exists in a parallel universe. The door, which doesn't shut fully, is actually the portal into the alternate universe. Thus far, everything is the same in the new universe: a profound disorganization, inability to find a single thing that I need, and every flat surface taken up with Stuff. This is precisely the kind of place Hoarders would put on tv, but there is no such show in this universe and the original show won't touch it because their union won't cross universes.

I have a new fan, with six speeds.. I feel so decadent using it. And it has a remote control, so I don't have to reach three feet over to adjust it.  My bigass old tube shortwave boatanchor receiver still works. Pro Tip: do not leave anything with batteries on top of this radio unless you want to see what happens to batteries when heated. In the winter, the radio will heat the entire office, if not the entire alternate universe. Still not answered is the question of why there is an odd number of speakers. Just like in the universe you know, the room eats screwdrivers. Unlike the universe you know, all the pens write. 

I need to speak to someone about getting cold running Snapple and hot running coffee. Somewhere is an old black and white tv. If I try to move it, one of the piles will fall on me and they'll never find my body. There are new popsicle sticks on my desk. There is a great story about these, but I don't know it.

The only serious difficulty occurred when I moved the wireless router into the office, rendering the rest of the house unable to connect. Unfortunately the wireless signal won't cross universes...

• A woman stabbed a stranger in the head with a high heel in a Queens subway brawl.
• Taken to Bellvue Hospital, the man required several staples in his head. A week later he was back at Bellvue because he tried to take them out with a staple remover he had on his desk.
• Democrats, England, and Canada demanded something be done about Shoe Control. Hollywood was strangely silent.

Saudi Arabia's ban on women driving has been lifted.
Saudi comics have requested American comics send them women driving jokes.

• In a nationwide phenomenon, people are dying in Walmart parking lots I told you that shopping there was dangerous.

California Congressman Maxine Waters, founder of Fairness in Politics, has ordered people to harass Trump officials in public places. "The thing I want you to know is that we're not desperate.  If anybody asks, blame it on the Russians."

Maxine also ordered the military to make fun of Trump's hair at White House appearances. "Nyah nyah should be enough to get our point across."

Asked for a quote, the republican party could not comment because it was rolling around on the White House lawn, tears of laughter running down its face.

Maxine also proclaimed God is on our side.
Reached for comment, God was really mad. He said a little birdie told him Maxine should make sure her affairs are in order.

A Witty Title

Today's network breach is Sonic, the alleged restaurant. Payment card information was stolen - rather a lot of it. If you go to Sonic and pay with a card, you should examine account activity immediately. I think this is revenge for some of the worst television commercials in the known universe.

Second on the hit parade is Amazon's Whole Foods, which is investigating their Point of Sale systems, which were hacked. Pay cash.

• What does that huge online corporation know about you? The author asked Tinder for her information. She got 800 pages back, which surprised her. I know we don't use Tinder (snicker) but replace Tinder with Faceyspaces, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. and think about what you may find.

Today's Fast Fact: even Bill Gates does not use a Windows phone.

• Guitar fans: check out the Rig Rundown of Metallica's current tour

A GOP senate nominee believes that homosexuality should be illegal. This is obviously another constitutional scholar. We remain thankful he's not a nominee for judge.

• This week's best headline (so far): Homeowner found naked burglar dangling from ceiling. He was surprised by police while hiding in the attic. No reason for his lack of clothing but can you imagine laying on insulation naked? The emergency room would spend six hours removing the fibers from your genitals alone.

The Maryland Zoo's polar bear could be the first to give birth by artificial insemination...

Hey Bob - what do you do?

I work at a for-profit that works inside a governmental non-profit putting together knock knacks to sell to people who stop by during the week.

John - what do you do?

Inseminate bears.

• A woman was pulled off a Southwest plane after claiming her serious allergies required removal of a helper dog and one other on the plane. The woman was unable to provide proof of her allergy. When told to get off, she refused. Staff and the police tried politely to reason with her. Failing that, she was forcibly removed. As the plane wasn't going to leave until this was settled, she's lucky the other passengers didn't throw her off.
• Entitlement lessons - $100 per session. Why so much? Because I'm entitled to it.

RIP Hugh Hefner. We all own the man a debt of gratitude. And a couple cases of tissues. He will be buried in a large, stiff sock.

• A wanted subject from the Dark Web was just apprehended. On the way to a beard contest. Sorry, this is funny in so many ways.

A woman pulled over for erratic driving was found to be drunk, with three syringes and $20 in her vagina. Potentially a very prickly situation, although I wonder why she needed to hide currency there. Unless she normally does, which would be cumbersome in checkout lines.

• If you were in an airport Thursday, odds are the entire computer system was down. Gatwick, Washington DC, Paris Charles De Gaulle, Frankfurt, Sydney, DC, South Africa, and Lufthansa were among the affected. Gatwick said there had been "no delays." A spokesman for Lufthansa said the Amadeus Altea software - used by multiple airlines - was affected. 
• The cause of the problem was unclear.
• What in the universe is wrong with airline software/hardware these days? Are they connected by bag phones? Rest assured planes are safe and the backup systems have backup systems. The systems on the ground seem to be where it's hit or miss.
• If this kind of thing happened at my job repeatedly, I wouldn't have a job. You either.

Latest news in the Injured Rock Star Department: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler collapsed after a show in South America. According to a source close to the band, it was a seizure. Still up in the air is Deep Purple's Glenn Hughes, with no cause for his collapse. Take care, guys, we've lost more than enough lately.

• Watch your emails carefully. More carefully. Some of the dangerous emails have gotten more dangerous. Emails from UPS, Fedex, and sometimes even your own coworkers! My friend received a message from her coworker in accounting and almost clicked on the link. It looked perfectly legit, until she hovered over the link and realized it didn't go where it said it did. This is how the Bad Guys<tm> get into your network to steal data or virus the system. If you have any doubt at all, please ask someone. You don't want to be that person.

The king of Saudi Arabia has ruled, moving them 3 days out of the stone age, that women may drive. But only if a man says so, or else she'll have to be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Saudi women are celebrating, very quietly, lest they be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Somebody had to alert the king that you have to hang them before you behead them. Meanwhile, in the United States, women (and their men, who do what they're told) are celebrating this great step for Saudi Arabia. Still no word on being dragged out, stoned, then beheaded.

MARSHALL UPDATE: After the first chemptherapy treatment, we were told that side effects, if any, would show up two to three days after. He slept the next day and has been fine! My mom shows up every day and does energy work with him. She says he is really strong and getting stronger. For his part, he loves the attention.

Not Selling You Anything - Just My Fragile Ego

Apparently there's an NFL draft In Philly. I find this stuff out on the news. The city is expected to be an even bigger mess, although I can't figure out why.  Send it to New Jersey, where they could cover it between shootings. But, there's little to report on these days since cancer was cured.

• Some enterprising bastard of a hacker took control of over 200 ISIS accounts, loading them up with gay porn. This is pretty fun news, although probably misguided. The should have gone with sex with pigs to get the point home. Ok, it's pretty close either way...

Surprise! 'Inbox tidying' service Unroll.me has been caught selling data. Who would have thought that a service that has access to your email sells data? In this particular case (wanna bet there are others?), Uber bought data on Lyft receipts. The data was 'anonymized'.  The CEO has apologized for not being clear enough that it sells anonymized data to clients.  Terribly sorry we didn't make it clear that we get your firstborn.

ThermionicEmissions would like to provide you with a Guide to Data Privacy.

No.

That is your guide.

Does a service want access to your inbox?  No.

Does a service want access to your network?  No.

Does a program want access to anything else on your phone?  No.

Does a program want location access?  No.

If you ever experience a moment of doubt, ask yourself WWTED: What Would ThermionicEmissions Do? HINT: the answer is generally going to be no, unless it involves mamallian protuberances.

• Webroot Antivirus 'mistakenly' flags Windows as malware and Faceyspaces as a phishing site. I'm not sure why they said mistakenly...

Saudi Arabia has just been elected to the UN Women's Rights Commission. In other news, Palestine has been elected to the UN Commission on Antisemitism.

• Serena Williams has confirmed her pregnancy on social media. Seriously, who cares? It's a good thing cancer has been cured.

How's Marshall doing, you ask?
Spectacular! Even better than an NFL draft!
The surgeon said his incision healed completely and he won't require more meds. When the Cone of Shame came off, he went right back to Puppy Mode (he's about 13), jumping on furniture, making himself at home on the bed, getting up and down the steps without difficulty, and generally being a Happy Spaniel. We're absolutely overjoyed and thankful.

• Here's an interesting little android stat: over two million users have fallen victim to malware from the Google Play store, in the form of guides to games.
• partial list: guides for FIFA Mobile, Criminal Case, Super Mario, Subway Surfers, Pokemon Go, Lego Nexo Knights, Lego City My City, Ninjago Tournament, Rolling Sky, Amaz3ing Spider-Man, Drift Zone 2, Dream League Soccer, and many more.
• Google has cleaned the mess up but if you have downloaded any of these, it's time to run an antivirus.

What kind of fresh stupidity is this? In the name of 'gender equality', a Washington teacher doesn't let boys play with Lego ..to allow the girls to 'catch up'. 

• Our long national nightmare is over: Costco has Chocolate Frosted Flakes back in stock. Good thing - we were going through detox.

Today's As-Yet Unheard Phrase: "He loaned the wheel from our mower to the neighbor."

• Today is Alien Day. As a Martian-American, I couldn't be more proud.

As we know, I'm usually behind the 8 ball because I don't keep up with Popular Shit. In an effort to fix that, and because I care about you, I want to bring you a new term: Stealthing. And I want to bring you its definition: a man removing his condom during sex. Yes, this is now a Thing.

• The latest payment card breach is brought to us by Chipotle. This is the firm that also brought e.coli to their burritos, so it would behoove them to get it right. They believe the breach took place between March 24 and April 18 and there is no more information provided. Chipotle has not enabled the chip on payment cards, claiming it will slow down lines.  I just ate there and have damn near full confidence in their ability to keep e.coli out of my food.

Google thinks my Ubuntu linux browser is Safari. To make things more interesting, it will not allow me to upload pictures.  It's all too much first thing in the morning.

• A headline from this morning: Murder victim's Fitbit contradicts husband's version of events.  We won't get into the article but check out the title... Fitbit data. The data collected by the woman's Fitbit. Remember: all of these devices collect your information. Even if you're not planning on murdering anybody, which I hope none of us are, be aware of this with any new program or device.

Hoo boy - Amazon's new Echo Look goes wherever you get dressed and will tell you if that outfit looks good (or makes you look fat). Amazon has confirmed this data will be stored 'indefinitely'.  Yes, you too can have Amazon in your bedroom - but it won't do 'that' for you.

• When we were young, we marveled at the thoughts of what technology would accomplish in our lifetime. It's 2017, we still have cancer, but damn, those Instagram filters are da bomb, no?