Happy Whatever
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas
Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year.
And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out.
Why is there glitter on my keyboard?
I'm the only one who uses it.
I don't own any glitter.
As happens on most days, I'm sitting there, minding my own business at work, when a meeting pops up. This isn't anywhere near as bad as most places... my boss grew up as a tech, so meetings are short, informative, and to the point. However, and there's always a however, non-boss meetings do not conform to that style. They're virtual, so we have to sit there, nodding our heads, while the lights blink and we sing songs of loyalty to our employer.
No, wait, I mean we sit there, noting some sound is coming out of the speaker, and do something productive. Yeah, that's it - productive. Then we check the speaker again, to make sure no one said our name or we don't need to go THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH!
Naturally this was one of the second kind of meetings.
This job is just slightly weird. This is a grave improvement over most of my other jobs, especially the Twilight Zone<tm>, where each meeting existed solely to go over the last meeting, then schedule the next one. This place doesn't like meetings quite that much, but there are still too many; like flu shots or appendectomies.
Last month's meeting was to go over documentation. Did you know that there's a Format<tm> for documentation? Not only is there a format, there's a person. You put together the documentation, send it to her, she marks the incorrect bits in red and returns it to you to fix. So there I was, with a document all in red, even though I had followed the 234 page Style Guide. I thought it was some sort of test... I had the brilliant idea to document something for the next people to get hired, and they 'subtly' discouraged me by telling me it was all wrong. It turns out I was right. No matter how correct the document is, they like to bounce it back to you a few times.
Along those lines, this meeting was also about documentation, but not as specifically. This was about access for people with (visual?) difficulties. A Very Serious Lady talked for several hours (no, wait, it was just one hour that felt like several hours), with a Very Serious Voice, about how our documentation, emails, and anything else has to be for any possibly otherly-sighted coworkers. I'm looking around to see if anyone else is laughing with tears in their eyes because someone's pulling a joke, but alas, no. This place lacks a sense of humor.
The Serious Lady made points about type points, type fonts, graphics, and never publish in pencil- crayon is still the default. Most shocking was the list of things we shouldn't do: underline, fonts below 37.5 points, color, type while not sitting in an ergonomically correct chair, typing on a Monday, and the greatest sin of all: italics. I sat there, looking shocked, when it hit me: this total absurdity is actually part of the meeting format: say completely bizarre things and people will stop Faceyspaces surfing because they're filled with horror. They will actually tune IN because they can't believe what they just heard. Did she really say italics? Are my emails going to have to be in crayon too? What's the font we have to use on Monday, and what happens if there's a holiday on Monday?
Toward the end of the meeting, she was telling us why fonts are important and which bits of them give people trouble. An idea occurred to me.. there are fonts specifically for dyslexic people. I'm sure no one knows about them and they are not the required fonts for the other differently-abled people. If I asked the question, would the entire panel explode? Because I was in that mood.
- Ketamine is showing promise against depression. Sorta.
Dear lefty:
- Why does your wife do all the food shopping?
- Because she's tired of eating ice cream, soda, and candy bars every day.
There's this show that someone told me to watch. It's about aliens, so naturally it was on the History channel. I remember this in great detail, but of course I can't remember what it was called. No.. wait.. Alien Highway (I think).
At some point, there was a guy who might have had an experience with something in the past. They brought in a hypnotist, who put the guy under. Apparently this poor man took a ride with some short gray beings, which he filed away somewhere because it terrified him. While this is going on, the investigators are in the next room, asking if they should pull the guy out of hypno because he's really upset. Because these guys know better than the hypnotist, who does this for a living.
One of the main investigators was a young lady who was a Ghostbuster in her last show. When the men are out, in the cold, hunting aliens, she was in the basement, running around with her Ghostometer, asking if extraterrestrials where there. Fortunately she didn't have to learn too many lines, because on Ghostbusters, she ran around with her Ghostometer, asking if ghosts were there. It was pretty funny when the guys were running around in the snow. They set up a trail cam and an alarm cam. When they went back to check them, the trail cam's strap had a huge twig in it and was missing a battery. The alarm cam was pointed in the other direction from where they left it. One guy looked puzzled and the other put on his best Serious Look.
The truth about this is that are all sorts of aliens: grays, reptilians, and congress. There are also the little known Joker Aliens. These guys are very smart and able to look just like any of the other aliens, humans, or the 1980s American Motors Pacer. Their thing is traveling around, messing with ufo investigators. It's about all they do after discovering free energy. All their needs are met, they got bored, and now they trawl the universe(s), messing with investigators and other aliens. Earth is one of their favorite targets, with a population of paranoids, a dollop of deniers, and a government that wouldn't admit that it's light out during the day.
One of their favorite gags was cattle mutilation.
"Hey, I got it.. let's do weird shit to those cow-things. We'll exsanguinate, tear off random bits, and get this - core out their anus!" [mass laughter - especially the anus] "We'll turn off our invisibility shield and make sure they can see us, so they think it's the grays. For good measure, we'll put a cow in the tractor beam, so one poor farmhand, who speaks little English, gets to watch it rise. Then he'll try, desperately, to relate this to the farmer and the police." [more laughter]
"Wait - I got another one..... we'll dress up as grays, abduct them from their bedrooms, then do silly things to them, under the guise of physical examinations. When we snatch them, we put everyone else in stasis, so no one believes they were abducted."
"Anus. Anus. ANUS. ANUS..." went the chant.
"Why is it always the anus with you guys?"
"Remember Clinton?" [more laughter]
"Ok, anus. We'll probe their anus. With a special tool Bob made out of a wooden spoon and some tin foil. When they wake up, we start making bleeping noises and throw our voices so they think we're talking in their head. When we get them back, no one will believe them. And they'll blame the grays. That will teach those short little bastards to date our sisters." [applause]
"Tell us about this Men in Black thing you were thinking about."
"Ok, well, after the 'abduction', the police show up. After the police, we send three dudes in black suits, all looking alike and official, to tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then we steal some silverware and get out. This way everybody blames the government, which couldn't possibly know who got taken or visited."
"Wasn't there more?"
"Oh yeah, we keep visible, so the jets and helicopters will chase us. Naturally we'll leave them in the dust, then disappear." [applause]
"Remember the royal family - that was hysterical!" [crowd falls over]
"That was a good one. We took video of them and added a tiny little segment where they turned into reptilians. Of course WE were the reptilians." [standing ovation]
"I know everyone's off duty tonight, but you're all invited to the main deck, cuz we're gonna buzz the White House again. Anyone in?" [all hands go up] "They spent 50 years denying it after the last time we did it. This time we're going to get the banner that says WE'RE ALIENS, STUPID and hang it from the tail of the ship." [no more... we can't breathe!!!!]
[why do people think I have too much time on my hands?]
Today I identify as an old glove compartment key, way back when they were separate from the ignition key.
- Dear Mandarin Phone Spammers/Scammers: you might get more hits if you try English. My Mandarin is rusty.
- I'm about to go to a whitelist-only phone system, where all calls are rejected by default. Since about 7 people have my number, I won't ever have to worry about it ringing again.
How about those wacky feds?
They got a warrant for 1,500 phones within a certain area, to work on an arson case. I'd be shocked, but the only shocking thing is that they got a warrant first. Google defends itself by saying it only gives out info when asked by law enforcement. In the meantime, turn off your location services, and possibly your phone.
- Boeing is thinking about suspending production of its 737 Max, due to their propensity to stop flying in midair.
- On the positive side, Boeing will introduce the 738 Max.
Boeing 7378
A man from country X commits rape. The identitarian right blames all people from country X, and the identitarian left blames all men. Identity politics is poison - twitter
Do you enjoy arguing with people on social media?
Of course you do - that's how everyone communicates on social media.
I've just spent a few weeks, on a few services, discussing Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) with 'experts'. All of them told me DID doesn't exist. Alrighty then. They gave all sorts of scientific-sounding reasons why it didn't exist. Alrighty then again. One of my favorites is that the patients are faking it and/or attention-seeking. With the last estimate at about 1 million people with DID, that's an awful lot of attention seekers.
Another is that the therapists led the patients. It's possible that some did, maybe a long time ago, but let's be serious... It's been in the psych disorders manual (DSM) for the last 2 volumes. It's being treated all over the world. The CIA admitted it created Manchurian Candidates (multiples) for spying after they got caught and had to appear before Congress. There are entire facilities to treat DID (or there were - insurance is a bitch).
The 'experts' pelted me with their scientific proof.
I deliberately kept my mouth shut to see how far they'd go.
My wife has DID.
I know many people who have DID - there are at least 5 in my area of the city. There's still a lot of broken people running around the US and Toronto because that's where the CIA did their
Are you seriously going to tell me my wife's faking a disorder she had no knowledge of? Or that she's attention-seeking? Or that a number of docs who diagnosed her were wrong? That she's not losing time? That there aren't times when things get done that she didn't do? That random people don't 'pop out' and talk? Or that her main therapist was not only wrong, but she led my wife to have the disorder? Ooh, sorry - I was there. She led nothing. Her first doc said he didn't believe in DID. He had to change his mind when she was getting better with DID therapy.
When I told my wife they didn't believe in DID, she suggested they spend a week at our house. This is one of the reasons I married her.
Speaking of the professionals, people who are allegedly faking DID cannot possibly do some of the things people with DID do. My wife went to the optometrist and asked about colored contact lenses. The doctor said probably not, as her eyes changed color 8 times. The alters have different voices, different genders, different gaits, and different abilities/disabilities. In some cases, one alter may know a foreign language that no one ever learned. Would this be possible if people were faking it?
Someone please save us from the 'professionals.' I shouldn't have to argue with them online. I am not in the psych field, I have no degrees or college education, and I pass out at the sight of blood. All I am is a guy who tried like hell to advocate for his wife (and others) for over 25 years.
- Do you use Firefox? I do. Here's 15 keyboard shortcuts to speed up your tasks
Mice watching film noir prompted a study.
Neurons didn't respond reliably.
Thus proving mice are immune to film noir, and therefore, superior.
They're in charge too (of life.. the universe... and everything).
- JBL's new solar-powered headphones promise 'virtually unlimited' battery life.
- The disclaimer states that this does not apply in Philadelphia, because the sun rarely shines.
- This also applies to sun roofs and solar lighting in Philly.
Best headline: IBM tailors Swift relationship....
Heroes of the Stupid
In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.
SJW Dribblings
I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much. - Lor on Twitter
British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!
In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.
SJW Dribblings
I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much. - Lor on Twitter
British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!
