The Mating Call of the Adult Male Mud Shark

Your love is like   not much, really

What habits are cute when you're dating, but irritating in a relationship?

1. breathing
2. the way you pick your nose when you think I'm not looking
3. your side hustle as a highly-paid assassin
4. braiding your nose hair
5. your squeaky speech
6. the fact that you speak at all

Today I identify as  trans (species). I insist you use the correct pronouns. I'll let you know what they are as soon as I figure them out. The first one is OMFG.

I just returned to using my ergonomic keyboard. Now I make twice the mistakes in half the time.

The cat is permanently out of the bag with Apple. 

Tim Cook says ‘buy your mom an iPhone’ if you want to end green bubbles

Even if she's old and can't read the screen. If Apple made an iDevice that slit your wrist, they'd expect everyone to slit their wrists. It wouldn't even matter that they're killing their customers - they're the first, the best, the only. Use the standard messaging format? Yeah, right.

If Apple were a person, his therapist would diagnose him with delusions of grandeur and psychopathic. He's already dictator of a huge cult, which does nothing to keep him grounded.

Auto Trash Update  

For those of you who might have skipped or just plain did not read about it, we experience Auto Trash. At some point after the cans are picked up, they are taken to the back, where we keep them until it's time to take them out again. We have no idea who does this or by what manner it happens.

We figured since we got a new neighbor, Auto Trash had stopped. 

Nope. This morning I saw that 2/3 of the cans were back where we keep them. The other 1/3 was still waiting for pickup.

We've very curious about who our benefactor is. We'd like to send them a gift for being so nice. No luck. 

The thing is, these cans are large, and make a serious noise when moving, like huge diesel trains, crossing bridges before the bridges are blown up, using way too much expl*sives.  Yet I sit across the house from them and never hear them being moved.

I wonder if it's like quantum physics: the act of observing them makes them stop moving. If I put a motion-activated camera on them, nothing would happen.

Since there's no noise, it's a real head-scratcher. This leads me to believe there's [suspenseful noise] a conspiracy. Perhaps the aliens transport them the 20' (30grams Canadian), which would explain the lack of noise. Maybe JFK is moving them, from beyond the grave. Maybe RFK. Maybe they take turns, like they did with Marilyn. Again, a beyond living explanation would take care of the lack of noise when moving them.

We recently found out that some of the more distant neighbors think Mrs. lefty is single, or we got divorced, because they don't see me much. This could be the funniest thing that happened since we moved in. We moved in with a 24' truck, with a friend running the length of the truck, banging congas and screaming, "We're heeeeeeere!" So long as Mrs. lefty doesn't begin dating, I'm more than good with this. Her No Dating Policy is similar. The other explanation is that they try to help her, because she's 'single' and uses a cane. But that doesn't explain the noise. Or the fact they might see me putting the cans out. Maybe the government is testing out its new Trash Moving Ray and wants to make me look foolish. The joke's on them: I've looked foolish since the second grade.

You're probably thinking I have a lot of time on my hands, generating paragraphs on a blog about this. You probably have a bit of a point, but because we apparently don't live together, I have to keep busy somehow.  Don't forget - ThermionicEmissions is merely the chronicle of one guy's descent into madness. Some would say he already arrived at his destination.

Ukraine: Ben Stiller and Sean Penn latest Americans banned from Russia

I dunno about you, but I figured Stiller was a given, regardless of what he said. He can stay home with Adam Sandler. In fact, we can threaten to export them both to Russia, if things get really bad. That should put a stop to the hostilities.

Russia's getting pretty hip to public relations, using the word Russophobic. All they need now is for Putin to declare he's trans. Somehow I don't see that happening.

Bob Iger (Disney) said the reason they didn't buy Twitter is they found a substantial portion of users were not real.

Holy poop, Batman. Do you mean the tons of great people I met aren't real? All those lesbians... I have no idea why, but I met a lot of great people who were lesbians. All those guitar players? We can only reach one conclusion: *I* am not real. This will come as a great shock to my parents. Maybe Wife too.

 

 Best Headline 

Living fast may have helped mammals like ‘ManBearPig’ dominate

You know you're doing something right when South Park leaks into Serious Science.

The IRS is looking into free E-filing.

With the $80 Billion Old Joe just dropped on them, they're also looking into individual vacations.

 Faceyspaces Engineers: We have no idea where we keep all your personal data

In Lord Zuck's basement Data Shelter panic room. Not even Mrs. Lord Zuck has the key. There's 54 incoming internet lines and 1 outgoing. Also, his astounding collection of aardvark pr0n.

Was This Viral UFO Photo a Hoax Generated By an AI?

No comment on the photo, but for years and years, skeptics have been asking for pictures. Now there is allegedly a picture, and the skeptics want to know why there aren't more pictures. Notice that after every serious sighting, the Denial Squad comes out and explains why this isn't a UFO. It doesn't matter what you think about UFOs - just sit back and watch this dance.

The Miss America pageant is in the headlines again. The promoters have added a new skill: walking all the way across the stage without checking their phones. The contestants are up in arms, referring to the new skill as 'pure torture' and 'completely impossible to pull off.' The UN is threatening to get involved.  Stay tuned for more on this developing story-check your phones.

And now a word from Mrs. lefty: If you have dark brown hair, don't put blonde highlights in it. You're not fooling anybody.

It's nice to know, with all the worry about Tik Tok taking over, that people still choose to livestream their murders on Faceyspaces, like the Memphis murderer. Mark Zuckerberg is in touch with the murderer, offering to pay for his legal bills in exchange for a commercial. It would go something like this: "Yo, I could choose any number of social media services to livestream my killings... but I chose Faceyspaces. People may be flocking to Tik Tok but Faceyspaces is the shit for me. Killing people is a serious thing and it deserves serious streaming. Faceyspaces has always been there for me. So I choose Faceyspaces."

Faceyspaces: when you've just got to kill somebody

A Long overdue letter to my first blind date

Dear Mariah:

I apologize for taking so long to write, but I said I would and I'm a man of my word (even after 30 years). I was against the idea of a blind date, but my friends noted my 100% strikeout rate with sighted girls and wouldn't leave me alone til I said yes. Imagine my surprise when you could see after all. And that was only the beginning of the surprises.

Your playful insistence that I play blind and put on a blindfold when we went back to your place was well thought-out. It was only when it came off that the wheels started to come off the date. You will have to excuse my shock upon discovering you had one too, and it was considerably larger than mine. This sort of thing can really disturb a guy who's not fully experienced sexually, as you saw. I would have to call things off solely on this matter, as I'd never function well, knowing yours was bigger. It's a neurosis common among men, which you should probably know, having been one until recently.

Having to explain that the famous singer and professional unwell person was named after you would get old quicker than one of her scarves, but not one of her breasts, which are significantly newer than the rest of her.  Yours too, now that we're discussing it. If it weren't for your mustache hair, no one would know. It's just that I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of meeting people and watching their eyes go to you, then me, you, me, to figure out which one of us was a guy. I suppose you could end the debate quickly by whipping yours out, but it will get old quickly. Fortunately the police do not show up for much besides gun calls.

On the bright side, I wouldn't fight you for the tv remote. I'm man enough to let you drive, unless you find the sidewalk more appealing than the road. Meeting my parents would be a bit sticky. My mom can tell your hair color from smelling my bedsheets. There's no telling what else she can detect, and I'd prefer to avoid any embarrassing 'talks'. She can also tell by looking at you if you're pregnant, which doesn't look like it will be a problem. Which brings me to an important point: our component parts do not fit together in a way that would produce children. Mom would be heartbroken, even though I told her she'd always have a grand-dog. At least you'd only tell me you were late when you expected to arrive past the agreed-upon time. I think it's great you don't go crazy every 28 days, but telling me you're always like that put a damper on my enthusiasm.

We didn't have pronouns when we dated, which was a good thing. I'd only call you she or her, no matter how butch you looked that day. Speaking of component parts  not fitting, I gather that would be a real pain in the ass. Yours. Speaking of bolt-ons, I love boobies, but I'm terrified I'll break them. Imagine the internal war set off when you removed your bra... I'd naturally dive right in, then have to stop out of fear of causing damage. My head would eventually explode. That one too.

One of my greatest regrets is that I didn't get my alleged friends back for setting us up. I could have told them we flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis. Or that you don't seem different than any other girl. That you bought me flowers and have been stalking me since the date. That we went on a 12 state murder spree... stuff like that. That we decided one of ours has to go, but we haven't figured out which yet. The coin toss will be later this week. Got any ideas?

I have to admit, that thing you did under the seat was pretty cool, but the rest of the people on the bus seemed to disagree. It worked better at the restaurant, but next time we need longer tablecloths. The waiter almost tripped over you, but he asked for your number, so it wasn't a total loss.

Would you be in menopause now? Just askin'.  Have you been in any videos I might have seen?

We could probably go out again, mustache notwithstanding, but my wife has a very strict No Dating policy. She's very nice and came with a factory-installed vagina, but boy does she have balls. And personality. Many of them. You did really well in not continuing to date me, because she always tells me I'm good for nothing and you wouldn't want that.

I know you're pining away for me, but perhaps it's best we leave it at that one date, instead of wondering what could have been. I admit, it took balls. Four of them.

Warmest regards,

lefty

The suspect in a stabbing spree in Canada which left 10 people dead and 19 injured has died after being captured by police.

Myles Sanderson, 32, experienced "medical distress" after the arrest on a motorway in the province of Saskatchewan following a high-speed chase and died later, police say.

Medical distress, eh? He fell down the concrete steps of the jail and hit his skull on every one of the steps. Some twice.

They gave no details. An unnamed official earlier said that Sanderson died of self-inflicted injuries.

It was self-inflicted because he was driving when the police caught him. If he didn't lead the police on a chase, he wouldn't have inflicted himself by throwing himself onto the police.

Since Myles' brother is already bereft of life, there's no one who knows what really happened. Other than innocent people getting stabbed to death.

What Do Armadillos Do for Fun?

 

Your love is like  a poison ivy sandwich

The easiest way to entertain a baby

Don't have one.

Today I identify as  Boris Johnson [sigh]

My kingdom for a cake?  

A cake appeared yesterday. I like cake, but didn't ask for one. It's not my birthday, nor anyone else's. But a cake appeared. Maybe it was a gift from the Sugar Fairy.

As this is by far not the weirdest thing to happen around the house, I didn't pay it much attention. And when I say I didn't pay it much attention, I mean I really wanted some cake, regardless of the method by which it appeared. 

It turned out this was not a problem, as the next time I went past it, it was sitting out, and the box was nowhere to be found. There were divots all over the icing. The only thing it didn't have was fingerprints. Oh, wait, I located the box.. it was torn apart, with remnants of icing all over it. And if I looked carefully, I could determine the exact trajectory of the unboxing, by the icing all over the cabinets and drawers. 

Obviously the first thing that needed to be done was to ponder this, while cutting a piece of cake. It is an unspoken rule that I get any icing roses or anything tall on top of the cake made from icing. It was a superior piece of cake, and only slightly too large for my stomach. But we eat and learn, no? No, we eat, get stuffed, then do it again the next time.  I moved the cake near the stove, as I needed the space for cleaning. I'm just kidding - I needed the space to make coffee.

This morning I entered the kitchen to find an interesting mini-disaster. Half the top level of the cake had dislodged itself from the other half, then slid down off the rest of the cake, smearing itself on the burner, knobs, and handles of the stove, then down to the floor. Naturally this was the part with the most icing. Wife cried because there was a huge piece of cake on the floor. I cried because all that icing I wouldn't get to eat.

Is it a coincidence that Wife is watching one of those horrid old Poltergeist movies? How does a cake slide off a flat surface? Who is going to clean it all up? How much of the cake will I still be able to eat? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of As the Stomach Turns 

UPDATE: Have you ever tried to remove buttercream icing from a kitchen floor?It stuck to the floor like women stick to George Clooney. Wife has an insane stock of cleaning products, for every surface and emergency, except buttercream icing. Since I am now the only one who can bend down*, I got the pleasure of doing all the scientific cleaning experimentation. I can safely say that nothing in our store of cleaners was up to the job. I gave up and used a scratchy sponge and dish liquid. It damn near almost worked. 

The problem now is the remainder of the cake. It still wants to fall this way and that, plus it tries to push the icing off onto the general area. Fortunately it cannot push more than half an inch or so. Are we having fun yet, or what? 

Remember that Twinkie that was left out until mold grew on it or it spontaneously combusted, like a Tesla? We left the cake out as our own science experiment. The icing suffered no ill effects. The cake got stale and hard, but cake is merely a vehicle to carry icing, so it doesn't count. Now you know what's for breakfast every day!!!! And snacks. And whenever we walk by it. New slogan from the Icing Marketing Board: Icing - it beats the fsck out of fruit!

* The combination of sustained abuse, age, deteriorating this and that, and side effects of medicines is taking its toll on Mrs. lefty. Is it 'fair' that after all the abuse, she now has to deal with physical issues arising from it? Life sucks - just ask a survivor. 

A Watauga, Texas, church where the pastor called for gay people to be executed is facing the possibility of its second eviction in a year.

I'm not what you'd call a religious person, but I recall something in there about not killing. I can't remember exactly where, but I definitely heard it.

Iran sentenced 2 LGBT advocates to death the other day. There is some real sickness out there and it ain't the LGBTs. 

[Picture of Tom Hanks' wife] Rita Wilson looks teary as Hollywood couple dine out  in LA with troubled son Chet Hanks, who faces accusations of cultural appropriation.

Oh. My. God. 

This is unconscionable.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm laughing so hard.

In prior years, parents were embarrassed and stressed about their children's drug problems, getting thrown out of school for blowing stuff up, not playing well with police, crashing the car, not having a gender reveal party, and failing their astronaut exams. Now, in 2022, parents are beside themselves because their little snowflake might have practiced cultural appropriation! I'll bet he refused to use their preferred pronouns too. Tom and Rita, we feel for ya, we really do. And as soon as we stop being hysterical, we'll try to contribute something positive to you two crazy parents, now get outta here [Bill Murray].

Cultural... [snicker]..... appropriation? [full laughter].

Wait, let me try it again.

Cultural... [snort]. No, it's not going to work. Gimme a few days. Weeks. Gimme a few weeks. I should be ok then.

Depending on who you ask, BPD stands for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Since it continues to be 2022, BPD now stands for Bizarre Pronoun Disorder. This is when people insist on using pronouns that wouldn't be obvious by observation. No, I'm not going to call you 'them' because you can't use that unless you have multiple personalities. And furthermore, you must refer to me as a firetruck, and communicate accordingly. No bells - air horns and sirens only.

You know from my rantings that I support LGBTQ+#&$ and will tolerate no state interference into their lives (or yours). Until I get Left Handed History and Appreciation Month, I don't want to hear about any other alleged infringements upon groups and/or minorities. Or what you think you're entitled to.

I mention this because I just came across this situation. Ok, I didn't, but my friend did, and that's pretty damn close, if you ask me (which you didn't). The person I know decided M wasn't working out and F was better. So she's a her, and everybody's happy.  I am frequently referred to as 'it' or Cousin Itt, which is part of the reason I don't go out much.

Faceyspaces and other invasions of privacy.

Easy to read, easy to understand 

 Got one of those nifty remote control thermostats from your power company?

Colorado Utility Took Control Of Thousands Of People’s Home Thermostats

They locked the thermostat and there was nothing you could do about it, citing electrical shortage.

 

The future will be ugly. In order to introduce some of the ugliness, companies must make them look attractive. Like this

OK Google, get me a Coke: AI giant demos soda-fetching robots

They almost had me....

with none of the great offices of state set to be held by a white man for the first time in British history

Liz Truss taking over for Boris.

Obviously she did an intensive study and found only women are competent for the job. Because she'd never practice sexism. It's only the leadership of a great country. Ho hum. Even Biden preached diversity.

Her theory is that men think with their penises. This is correct and not her theory. Her theory is that women think with their breasts and they have two of them, topping the single penis of (arguably) all men.

While we're in the neighborhood, a teacher from Ireland was suspended and jailed for not using 'they' instead of 'he' for a trans student. Ok, the headline was misleading (I didn't write it). He was put on paid administrative leave, but showed up anyway, so they carted him off. Transgenderism is against his Christian belief. 

Does he shun coworkers who 'live in sin'? 

Don't make me look up the commandments. Just wait til your father gets home.

Is this the natural successor to "Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new term - Quiet Quitting.

It's when an employee checks out mentally. There are others...

• Quiet Driving - you'll want to avoid this
• Quiet Missile launching - only if they Quiet Quit first
• Quiet Drone Flying - this could work
• Quiet Food Shopping - I hate this - go to CostCo and there are always idiots parking their carts in the middle of the aisle while they shop on the other side. They take up the entire aisle.

10 dead, 15 injured from stabbings in Canada.

When apprehended, criminals said, "What do you want from us? We can't have guns."

Time to criminalize knives......

New bumper sticker: HONK IF YOU'RE STUPID

guaranteed to keep the honking down. I hope.

Black Lives Matter exec accused of stealing $10M in lawsuit

Black Lives Matter (BLM) leaders on Friday sued an executive of the Black Lives Matter Global Network Foundation (GNF) on charges of syphoning $10 million in donations to the organization for use as his own “personal piggy bank.”

President Biden said, "That's racist," and gave them $100 million, saying it will help lower the national debt. Financial experts said on Friday that Biden's medicine "has not reached therapeutic levels yet."

Bed, Bath, and Beyond's CFO jumped to his death from a building. BB&B is going to close 150 stores and lay off 20% of its employees. 

He really should have used his golden parachute.

[oops]

There were 2 significant massive stock selloffs before the fact, including the CFO. Good luck to the employees, best to his family.

$&#)

@)$&

So on the first day back from the 3 day holiday, I checked my email and there were only 57 deleted emails. These are the ones I filtered from the massive amounts of spam we send ourselves. 57. Only 57. Some Mondays there are hundreds. My coworkers will laugh at me. Then I'll go right back to the time in 2nd grade, when I...  it's too painful... my pants... oh, the embarrassment... in front of the entire auditorium... I just can't....

There's more crapware in the Google Play store. This time it's fake antivirus and cleaner apps. You'd hope that with Google's resources, it would strenuously test all apps before they're allowed in the store, but apparently not. Once again, it is up to you to use due diligence and some sense when choosing an app.

Want an antivirus? Use one of the major ones, with tons of downloads. This advice goes for most programs. Also look for bad grammar and low downloads. Use a different repository, like apkmirror.com or aptoide.com, the other advantage being not dealing with Google.

Don't store your data (logins, address, credit card, etc) in your browser on any computer or phone. Yes, it's less convenient, but if you put the data there, it exists to be stolen. Use a password locker, like Keepass (free).

Although tv is a giant intelligence suck, if you look around carefully, you can find something to add to your intelligence. F'rinstance - after 21 seasons of Air Crash Investigation, I can not only determine what caused a plane crash, but I can also fly one. Court TV made me an expert on the legal system, to the point where I can prosecute or defend someone. This stuff normally takes years of schooling and practice, yet we get it all free! CSI et al can make you a crime-solving genius, or at very least, a weird crime solving assistant, with wacky hair, odd clothes, and a strange personality. Every show has one of these. Chicago Med will show you how to operate and save lives, with the presence of hot women to distract you. Chicago PD (and all the others) will help you keep your streets safe, any way you have to. They almost give you a gun. 9-1-1 will keep your area fire-free and help you solve personal issues. Bones will help you with all that forensic mortuary stuff you have piled up. And Seinfeld will let you know the tv has been on too long and you need to get up and RUN away. Contrary to popular belief, any of the Law and Orders do not help you with crime; they just plant the suggestion to watch the other 40 spinoffs by the same guy.

Anything else and the tv is just sucking your brain out through a straw.

stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum