Your love is like not much, really
- breathing
- the way you pick your nose when you think I'm not looking
- your side hustle as a highly-paid assassin
- braiding your nose hair
- your squeaky speech
- the fact that you speak at all
Tim Cook says ‘buy your mom an iPhone’ if you want to end green bubbles
Holy poop, Batman. Do you mean the tons of great people I met aren't real? All those lesbians... I have no idea why, but I met a lot of great people who were lesbians. All those guitar players? We can only reach one conclusion: *I* am not real. This will come as a great shock to my parents. Maybe Wife too.
Best Headline
Living fast may have helped mammals like ‘ManBearPig’ dominateYou know you're doing something right when South Park leaks into Serious Science.
With the $80 Billion Old Joe just dropped on them, they're also looking into individual vacations.
Faceyspaces Engineers: We have no idea where we keep all your personal data
In Lord Zuck's basement Data Shelter panic room. Not even Mrs. Lord Zuck has the key. There's 54 incoming internet lines and 1 outgoing. Also, his astounding collection of aardvark pr0n.
Was This Viral UFO Photo a Hoax Generated By an AI?
No comment on the photo, but for years and years, skeptics have been asking for pictures. Now there is allegedly a picture, and the skeptics want to know why there aren't more pictures. Notice that after every serious sighting, the Denial Squad comes out and explains why this isn't a UFO. It doesn't matter what you think about UFOs - just sit back and watch this dance.
The Miss America pageant is in the headlines again. The promoters have added a new skill: walking all the way across the stage without checking their phones. The contestants are up in arms, referring to the new skill as 'pure torture' and 'completely impossible to pull off.' The UN is threatening to get involved. Stay tuned for more on this developing story-check your phones.
And now a word from Mrs. lefty: If you have dark brown hair, don't put blonde highlights in it. You're not fooling anybody.
It's nice to know, with all the worry about Tik Tok taking over, that people still choose to livestream their murders on Faceyspaces, like the Memphis murderer. Mark Zuckerberg is in touch with the murderer, offering to pay for his legal bills in exchange for a commercial. It would go something like this: "Yo, I could choose any number of social media services to livestream my killings... but I chose Faceyspaces. People may be flocking to Tik Tok but Faceyspaces is the shit for me. Killing people is a serious thing and it deserves serious streaming. Faceyspaces has always been there for me. So I choose Faceyspaces."
Faceyspaces: when you've just got to kill somebody
A Long overdue letter to my first blind date
Dear Mariah:
I apologize for taking so long to write, but I said I would and I'm a man of my word (even after 30 years). I was against the idea of a blind date, but my friends noted my 100% strikeout rate with sighted girls and wouldn't leave me alone til I said yes. Imagine my surprise when you could see after all. And that was only the beginning of the surprises.
Your playful insistence that I play blind and put on a blindfold when we went back to your place was well thought-out. It was only when it came off that the wheels started to come off the date. You will have to excuse my shock upon discovering you had one too, and it was considerably larger than mine. This sort of thing can really disturb a guy who's not fully experienced sexually, as you saw. I would have to call things off solely on this matter, as I'd never function well, knowing yours was bigger. It's a neurosis common among men, which you should probably know, having been one until recently.
Having to explain that the famous singer and professional unwell person was named after you would get old quicker than one of her scarves, but not one of her breasts, which are significantly newer than the rest of her. Yours too, now that we're discussing it. If it weren't for your mustache hair, no one would know. It's just that I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of meeting people and watching their eyes go to you, then me, you, me, to figure out which one of us was a guy. I suppose you could end the debate quickly by whipping yours out, but it will get old quickly. Fortunately the police do not show up for much besides gun calls.
On the bright side, I wouldn't fight you for the tv remote. I'm man enough to let you drive, unless you find the sidewalk more appealing than the road. Meeting my parents would be a bit sticky. My mom can tell your hair color from smelling my bedsheets. There's no telling what else she can detect, and I'd prefer to avoid any embarrassing 'talks'. She can also tell by looking at you if you're pregnant, which doesn't look like it will be a problem. Which brings me to an important point: our component parts do not fit together in a way that would produce children. Mom would be heartbroken, even though I told her she'd always have a grand-dog. At least you'd only tell me you were late when you expected to arrive past the agreed-upon time. I think it's great you don't go crazy every 28 days, but telling me you're always like that put a damper on my enthusiasm.
We didn't have pronouns when we dated, which was a good thing. I'd only call you she or her, no matter how butch you looked that day. Speaking of component parts not fitting, I gather that would be a real pain in the ass. Yours. Speaking of bolt-ons, I love boobies, but I'm terrified I'll break them. Imagine the internal war set off when you removed your bra... I'd naturally dive right in, then have to stop out of fear of causing damage. My head would eventually explode. That one too.
One of my greatest regrets is that I didn't get my alleged friends back for setting us up. I could have told them we flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis. Or that you don't seem different than any other girl. That you bought me flowers and have been stalking me since the date. That we went on a 12 state murder spree... stuff like that. That we decided one of ours has to go, but we haven't figured out which yet. The coin toss will be later this week. Got any ideas?
I have to admit, that thing you did under the seat was pretty cool, but the rest of the people on the bus seemed to disagree. It worked better at the restaurant, but next time we need longer tablecloths. The waiter almost tripped over you, but he asked for your number, so it wasn't a total loss.
Would you be in menopause now? Just askin'. Have you been in any videos I might have seen?
We could probably go out again, mustache notwithstanding, but my wife has a very strict No Dating policy. She's very nice and came with a factory-installed vagina, but boy does she have balls. And personality. Many of them. You did really well in not continuing to date me, because she always tells me I'm good for nothing and you wouldn't want that.
I know you're pining away for me, but perhaps it's best we leave it at that one date, instead of wondering what could have been. I admit, it took balls. Four of them.
Warmest regards,
lefty
The suspect in a stabbing spree in Canada which left 10 people dead and 19 injured has died after being captured by police.
Myles Sanderson, 32, experienced "medical distress" after the arrest on a motorway in the province of Saskatchewan following a high-speed chase and died later, police say.
Medical distress, eh? He fell down the concrete steps of the jail and hit his skull on every one of the steps. Some twice.
They gave no details. An unnamed official earlier said that Sanderson died of self-inflicted injuries.
It was self-inflicted because he was driving when the police caught him. If he didn't lead the police on a chase, he wouldn't have inflicted himself by throwing himself onto the police.
Since Myles' brother is already bereft of life, there's no one who knows what really happened. Other than innocent people getting stabbed to death.
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