Your love is like Crunchy Frog
- James Corden?
Today I identify as The Pink Panther
So you're having one of those incredibly happy days, that nothing can ruin.
Did you know There's a 10% Chance Rocket Debris Will Kill Someone on Earth This Decade?
What a sad species. We trash the planet and then we trash space around the planet.
Besides - falling rocket debris never touches the people who deserve it most.
Voters decided to pull funding for the only library, proving nobody can read in Jamestown Township. Sheep are nervous.
Toyota and Subaru are recalling EVs because the tires might literally fall off.
Bolts come loose and tires go bye-bye.
Tesla is insanely jealous.
Your ‘digital footprint’ might shock you: Average person posts 10,000+ times on social media in their lifetime
The average person posts everything. But you need to read this.
Today the president was found wandering around the White House, saying, "Tax..tax..tax..taxit." The alternative media claimed dementia. The White House spokeslady said it was only Joe being president.
Speaking of Old Joe, his $80 billion gift to the IRS has upset many. It had been allowed to languish, but Joe's doing what he can to promote Big Government and pay for all of his ridiculously expensive projects.
No.
You can be filmed, with the excuse that you're in public and have no expectation of privacy. Same for police.
However, it's probably a good idea to stay out of the action.
Police: Ma'am, what are you doing?
Citizen: I'm filming this. I don't trust the police.
Police: You're two feet from my face.
Citizen: I need all the data to upload to all the social media sites.
Police: Can you move back two feet?
Citizen: DON'T CENSOR ME!
Police: I can't handcuff him with you in the way.
Citizen: Don't use that excuse to hide your abuse and misdeeds.
Police: But he could get away.
Citizen: Maybe you didn't need to sit on him then.
Police: He could steal your phone.
Citizen: BEAT HIM! SHOOT HIM. Sit on his neck - criminals don't need to breathe.
If I could make this happen with $100 bills...
I left a cereal bowl out. This morning it had a nickel in it.Whenever I go to vacuum, I have to watch for coins.Nobody knows how or why this happens.
Usually stuff disappears. This is the only thing that appears (aside from dust).
A man was sentenced to 65 years in prison for the murder of his wife. His testimony differed from his Fitbit location data. Isn't it bad enough Google tracks you... Fitbit does too. People reading this blog know this; they are well informed. Some don't care, but they know this.
So it's the penalty phase of the Parkland shooter trial.
The trial is getting kind of iffy and the lawyers are getting kind of persnickety...
Lawyer: How do you know the defendant?
Lady: He's my friend.
Lawyer: He's your friend?
Lady: He's my friend. Are we supposed to repeat things?
Lawyer: Were you a good friend?
Lady: I'd say we were just friends.
Lawyer: On a scale of 1 to 10....
Lady: about 5...
Lawyer: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT. TELL ME EXACTLY.
Lady: Ok, exactly 5.5.
Lawyer: Use whole numbers, please.
Other Lawyer: OBJECTION! Prosecutor being an asshole.
Judge Hottie: Sustained.
Lawyer: So you knew the defendant, right?
Lady: Yes, I knew the defendant.
Lawyer: And were you closer to acquaintances than good friends?
Lady: He thought we...
Lawyer: DON'T TELL ME WHAT HE THOUGHT.
Lady: We were somewhat friendly.
Lawyer: You didn't always live in the same state as the defendant.
Lady: Correct.
Lawyer: What other state did you live in?
Lady: New Jersey.
Lawyer: Ah, New Jersey. I see. How frequently did you travel to his state?
Lady: Every now and then.
Lawyer: What the hell does every now and then mean?
Lady: You know...
Lawyer: No, I don't know.
Lady: Every few months.
Other lawyer: OBJECTION! Prosecutor being a little less of an asshole.
Judge Hottie: Sustained.
Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, why are you wearing a mask?
Lady: Flying AIDS.
Lawyer: If you're wearing a mask to prevent the Flying AIDS, why is your nose sticking out?
Lady: It is not.
Lawyer: SIDEBAR, your honor, to decide whether Lady's nose is covered by mask.
At Sidebar: I'd like a beer, please, and a Gin and Tonic for Her Honor.
Lawyer: Ok, ma'am, we've established that your nose is not covered by your mask.
Lady: YES IT IS.
Lawyer: Your Honor, permission to treat her as a hostile witness.
Judge Hottie: Why?
Lawyer: I've always wanted to say that.
Judge Hottie: Granted.
Lawyer: Did you see the defendant in 2015?
Lady: I don't remember.
Lawyer: You said you used to visit him.
Lady: Yes I did. I just can't remember when.
Lawyer: You never really saw him, did you?
Lady: You're not even human, are you? Yes, I did see him.
Lawyer: GUILTY, Your Honor.
Judge Hottie: Counselor, this is a witness, not the defendant.
Lawyer: Sorry, Your Honor, I got a little carried away.
Lady: You should be carried away.
Lawyer: Didn't your mother ever teach you to speak only when you're spoken to?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: What did you wear when you hung out with the defendant?
Lady: Uh... what do you mean?
Lawyer: Were you naked?
Lady: No, of course I wore clothes. Your Honor, is she always an asshole or just with me?
Lawyer: What kind of clothes?
Lady: A dress, like I'm wearing now.
Lawyer: Did you wear that dress?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: When did you purchase that dress?
Lady: I dunno... a year ago?
Lawyer: Was it a year ago, or, in fact, a year and a half ago?
Lady: (crying) It could have been a year and a half... I forget.
Lawyer: So you have no idea when you bought the dress.
Lady: You're twisting my words.
Lawyer: Where did you meet the defendant when you met him?
Lady: In his house.
Lawyer: Just in his house?
Lady: No, sometimes on his steps.
Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, it's obvious you never met the defendant.
Lady: What are you going on about?
Lawyer: You can't even tell me where you met him.
Lady: Your Honor, has anybody ever assaulted her in court?
Judge Hottie: Only a few times, but I'd advise against it.
Lawyer: How many trashcans did he have out front?
OBJECTION! How does the number of trashcans impact this trial?
Lawyer: Life and death trial, Your Honor. I'm throwing out whatever I can.
Lawyer: When were you aware of the shooting?
Lady: On tv that day.
Lawyer: Were you not at the high school?
Lady: No, I was in the courtroom next door on a prostitution trial.
Lawyer: So, you're a prostitute?
Lady: No, an expert witness.
Lawyer: Are you sure you're not a prostitute?
Lady: Positive. Unless I have one of those disorders where you wander around and have sex in your sleep.
Lawyer: So you could be a prostitute.
Lady: No, I am not a prostitute.
Lawyer: Ma'am, you just said you could have sexsomnia.
Lady: I don't.
Lawyer: Have you been tested?
Lady: No, I haven't.
Lawyer: So you could have it.
Lady: Your Honor, do you have any .357 rounds?
Judge Hottie: Give her a break... she's on her fifth marriage and it's already on the rocks.
Lawyer: Did he ever talk about shooting up a school?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: What about other places, like a mall, a vegan gathering, or a sex dungeon?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: Did he have guns?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: Clearly he had guns. Didn't you watch the news?
Lady: He didn't point any at me or show them to me, or try to have sex with them.
Lawyer: Did you know his mother?
Lady: Yes.
Lawyer: Why did she look like a man?
Probably the drugs.
Lawyer: Are you a doctor?
Lady: No.
Lawyer: How are you qualified to say it was because of the drugs?
Lady: Just a guess, Sally.
YOUR HONOR - make her stop calling me Sally!
Lawyer: What kind of drugs did his mom do while pregnant with him?
Lady: Pretty much whatever she could get her hands on. Plus anything she could drink.
Lawyer: Did you ever say anything to her?
Lady: I didn't think it was any of my business.
Lawyer: So you, in effect, are guilty of allowing this to happen.
Lady: Do you get crabby when your period hits? Does it last 27 days a month?
Next witness: the defendant's psychiatrist
Lawyer: Did you see the defendant in your capacity as a psychiatrist?
Shrink: Uhhhh....... yes.
Lawyer: How long did you see him.
Shrink: Twice.
Lawyer: That doesn't sound very long.
Shrink: I didn't require very long.
Lawyer: What, in your professional opinion, was he about?
Shrink: Ohhhh.... he was clearly Koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.
Lawyer: Can you explain that for the man on the street?
Shrink: .... uh.... out of his..... friggin mind.
Lawyer: Can you narrow it down any?
Shrink: Ummm.... he was .... fscking crazy.
Lawyer: What made you think this?
Shrink: $500,000 in schooling.
Lawyer: What else?
Shrink: He tried to put his penis into everything. I was concerned that he didn't notice some of the holes were too small to succeed. He really liked setting the other children on fire, but it was only for attention. His mother would sodomize him. Later on, she'd include the family pets. He was a very smart child. Smart, but incredibly violent.
Lawyer: Anything else?
Shrink: His mother would chain him to her bed.
Lawyer: That's terrible.
Shrink: It was bad. It was terrible when she shared her drugs with him.
Lawyer: Was he damaged?
Shrink: Yes. He damaged my office because he was still chained to the mattress when he came in.
Lawyer: What did you think?
Shrink: Oh, there was no doubt.... he'd be shooting up some large building within a year or so.
Lawyer: Shouldn't you report this to the relevant authorities?
Shrink: I don't get paid that much.
Lawyer: Was he schizophrenic?
Shrink: What's schizophrenic?
Lawyer: Your witness....
In my years, I've discovered that most mental health professionals are crazy. However, the absolute batshit craziest are the psychiatrists.
It would appear that My Big Fat Fabulous Life hasn't bored its audience (both of them) yet, so it's still on tv. Excited by the attention, several other shows are being rushed to production
- My Arterial Blockage is Bigger than Yours
- My Dangerous Reality Show Addiction
- This is Borderline Personality Disorder
- It's All About Me, I'm a Narcissist
- Psychopaths Make the Best Leaders
- My Really Deep Clinical Depression
We have another new neighbor, bringing the total to two.
Which is good, considering there are only two sides to the houses.
Everybody has a dog now, which is unfortunate, as ours wants to eat anything else on four legs. She doesn't care how big they are - she just goes into Cujo Mode<tm>.
The new guy was carrying some interesting stuff into the place: bondage furniture, high end exterminating equipment, a donkey, several people of short stature, and a few cases of YooHoo. I'm pretty excited: I love YooHoo, and he's single, so there should be a parade of women through the house, on which to use the bondage furniture. I'm going to ask about a live video feed. I feel we'll be good neighbors.
Will also ban electric can openers, Jawbreakers, laundry detergent, and bridges.
California will protect you from everything except California
Speaking of the city by the bay, a startup is introducing software that will make any call center employee sound 'White and American.'
Now all they have to do it make Americans sound like Americans.
Many groups are against the software, saying it will erase the beauty and ethnicity and diversity of the individuals.
Many people who have to call tech support are chasing them around the table with pitchforks and torches.
Don't have one? You can get one free! Walmart lost to Amazon, which charges you for the device that steals your information. Don't have a garage? Walmart will give you one. Perfect for apartment dwellers. Don't have a fridge in your garage? Walmart will take the keys and come into your house. Walmart will sleep with your little sister and frighten the dog. Don't want Walmart in your house? Tough luck, it's inevitable. Get used to it.
Yes, Texas is in a race to be even sillier than California. They're going to lose.
Also on the No Talking List: armadillos, the French, contraception, the weather, talking about talking about trans people.
Missouri school district revives paddling to discipline students
If we cross Missouri with Texas, kids will get a beating for even thinking about trans people.
Parents: beat your own damn kids, instead of leaving it for the schools, you lazy bastards.
The president is canceling billions in school loans.
Do ya think he'll cancel my mortgage?
What kind of president just pops out and cancels business' collectibles?
Oh yeah, this one.
Republicans and some moderate Democrats have said debt cancellation will add to inflation by giving Americans more money to spend.
That's why we have taxes! We can't allow Americans to keep their own money!
Uvalde school shooting: Embattled police chief Pete Arredondo fired
I don't think they're being fair to him. There was only a 77 minute response in dealing with the shooter. Meanwhile the police kept the parking lot totally safe, by standing there for the entire 77 minutes.
Japan reverses course on post-Fukushima nuclear ban
"We are committed to clean, safe energy, no matter how much irradiated water we dump into the ocean. We promise safety because we won't tell you when we dump the irradiated water into the ocean."
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