Your love is like a poison ivy sandwich
The easiest way to entertain a baby
Don't have one.
Today I identify as Boris Johnson [sigh]
My kingdom for a cake?
A cake appeared yesterday. I like cake, but didn't ask for one. It's not my birthday, nor anyone else's. But a cake appeared. Maybe it was a gift from the Sugar Fairy.
As this is by far not the weirdest thing to happen around the house, I didn't pay it much attention. And when I say I didn't pay it much attention, I mean I really wanted some cake, regardless of the method by which it appeared.
It turned out this was not a problem, as the next time I went past it, it was sitting out, and the box was nowhere to be found. There were divots all over the icing. The only thing it didn't have was fingerprints. Oh, wait, I located the box.. it was torn apart, with remnants of icing all over it. And if I looked carefully, I could determine the exact trajectory of the unboxing, by the icing all over the cabinets and drawers.
Obviously the first thing that needed to be done was to ponder this, while cutting a piece of cake. It is an unspoken rule that I get any icing roses or anything tall on top of the cake made from icing. It was a superior piece of cake, and only slightly too large for my stomach. But we eat and learn, no? No, we eat, get stuffed, then do it again the next time. I moved the cake near the stove, as I needed the space for cleaning. I'm just kidding - I needed the space to make coffee.
This morning I entered the kitchen to find an interesting mini-disaster. Half the top level of the cake had dislodged itself from the other half, then slid down off the rest of the cake, smearing itself on the burner, knobs, and handles of the stove, then down to the floor. Naturally this was the part with the most icing. Wife cried because there was a huge piece of cake on the floor. I cried because all that icing I wouldn't get to eat.
Is it a coincidence that Wife is watching one of those horrid old Poltergeist movies? How does a cake slide off a flat surface? Who is going to clean it all up? How much of the cake will I still be able to eat? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of As the Stomach Turns
UPDATE: Have you ever tried to remove buttercream icing from a kitchen floor?It stuck to the floor like women stick to George Clooney. Wife has an insane stock of cleaning products, for every surface and emergency, except buttercream icing. Since I am now the only one who can bend down*, I got the pleasure of doing all the scientific cleaning experimentation. I can safely say that nothing in our store of cleaners was up to the job. I gave up and used a scratchy sponge and dish liquid. It damn near almost worked.
The problem now is the remainder of the cake. It still wants to fall this way and that, plus it tries to push the icing off onto the general area. Fortunately it cannot push more than half an inch or so. Are we having fun yet, or what?
Remember that Twinkie that was left out until mold grew on it or it spontaneously combusted, like a Tesla? We left the cake out as our own science experiment. The icing suffered no ill effects. The cake got stale and hard, but cake is merely a vehicle to carry icing, so it doesn't count. Now you know what's for breakfast every day!!!! And snacks. And whenever we walk by it. New slogan from the Icing Marketing Board: Icing - it beats the fsck out of fruit!
* The combination of sustained abuse, age, deteriorating this and that, and side effects of medicines is taking its toll on Mrs. lefty. Is it 'fair' that after all the abuse, she now has to deal with physical issues arising from it? Life sucks - just ask a survivor.
A Watauga, Texas, church where the pastor called for gay people to be executed is facing the possibility of its second eviction in a year.
I'm not what you'd call a religious person, but I recall something in there about not killing. I can't remember exactly where, but I definitely heard it.
Iran sentenced 2 LGBT advocates to death the other day. There is some real sickness out there and it ain't the LGBTs.
[Picture of Tom Hanks' wife] Rita Wilson looks teary as Hollywood couple dine out in LA with troubled son Chet Hanks, who faces accusations of cultural appropriation.
Oh. My. God.
This is unconscionable.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe I'm laughing so hard.
In prior years, parents were embarrassed and stressed about their children's drug problems, getting thrown out of school for blowing stuff up, not playing well with police, crashing the car, not having a gender reveal party, and failing their astronaut exams. Now, in 2022, parents are beside themselves because their little snowflake might have practiced cultural appropriation! I'll bet he refused to use their preferred pronouns too. Tom and Rita, we feel for ya, we really do. And as soon as we stop being hysterical, we'll try to contribute something positive to you two crazy parents, now get outta here [Bill Murray].
Cultural... [snicker]..... appropriation? [full laughter].
Wait, let me try it again.
Cultural... [snort]. No, it's not going to work. Gimme a few days. Weeks. Gimme a few weeks. I should be ok then.
Depending on who you ask, BPD stands for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Since it continues to be 2022, BPD now stands for Bizarre Pronoun Disorder. This is when people insist on using pronouns that wouldn't be obvious by observation. No, I'm not going to call you 'them' because you can't use that unless you have multiple personalities. And furthermore, you must refer to me as a firetruck, and communicate accordingly. No bells - air horns and sirens only.
You know from my rantings that I support LGBTQ+#&$ and will tolerate no state interference into their lives (or yours). Until I get Left Handed History and Appreciation Month, I don't want to hear about any other alleged infringements upon groups and/or minorities. Or what you think you're entitled to.
I mention this because I just came across this situation. Ok, I didn't, but my friend did, and that's pretty damn close, if you ask me (which you didn't). The person I know decided M wasn't working out and F was better. So she's a her, and everybody's happy. I am frequently referred to as 'it' or Cousin Itt, which is part of the reason I don't go out much.
Faceyspaces and other invasions of privacy.
Easy to read, easy to understand
Got one of those nifty remote control thermostats from your power company?
Colorado Utility Took Control Of Thousands Of People’s Home ThermostatsThey locked the thermostat and there was nothing you could do about it, citing electrical shortage.
The future will be ugly. In order to introduce some of the ugliness, companies must make them look attractive. Like this
OK Google, get me a Coke: AI giant demos soda-fetching robots
with none of the great offices of state set to be held by a white man for the first time in British history
- Quiet Driving - you'll want to avoid this
- Quiet Missile launching - only if they Quiet Quit first
- Quiet Drone Flying - this could work
- Quiet Food Shopping - I hate this - go to CostCo and there are always idiots parking their carts in the middle of the aisle while they shop on the other side. They take up the entire aisle.
When apprehended, criminals said, "What do you want from us? We can't have guns."
guaranteed to keep the honking down. I hope.
Black Lives Matter (BLM) leaders on Friday sued an executive of the Black Lives Matter Global Network Foundation (GNF) on charges of syphoning $10 million in donations to the organization for use as his own “personal piggy bank.”
He really should have used his golden parachute.
[oops]
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