Is that a Real Poncho or a WalMart Poncho

Your love is like   edible cotton underwear

It's been 9 years since Malaysia Air Flight MH370 'disappeared into thin air' (or water).  Scientists have developed a new theory, that comes on the heels of all the old theories. This theory involves barnacles. The previous theories involved seaweed, printer/copier/scanners, the Dow Index, and nose rings. Apparently in more temperate regions of the sea, barnacles grow longer nose hair. This PHD discovery went on to describe the micro plankton attached to the barnacle hairs, even though barnacles are sworn enemies of plankton. The plankton micro-impede the flow of the ocean, resulting in 'updated' patterns for airplanes that go missing. From Malaysia. So there is a new debris disappearance pattern. But still no debris.

This is a national embarrassment, and tragic for relatives and friends of the missing.

Next week, Very Smart Scientists (VSS) will theorize that a UFO came along and swallowed up the plane, which is why we can't find any debris, in spite of all the combined brainpower of the 3 people left looking into this (do not malign goat farmers - one leg is naturally longer due to standing on hills - you are seeing evolution at work).

In unrelated news, there is still no specific slur for Malaysians.

Sometimes I think it's more difficult to find a slur than MH370.

Fukushima: Discharge from Japan nuclear plant safe, tests show

The tests were performed with a plastic bucket and some sand, by the owners of the Fukushima plant. Anyone with a memory knows the same tests were performed when the accident first occurred. They dumped radioactive water and lied about it.

Scientists strengthen concrete by 30 percent with used coffee grounds

The concrete is reported to be stronger and more awake, with an improved sex life.

is there nothing coffee can't improve? 

3D printers printing without consent is a cautionary tale on cloud reliance

You can finally buy Lego’s Braille Bricks

This came after the 1965 Air France disaster, when the blind pilot tried to read regular Legos.

Passenger seat belt warnings should be mandatory, say feds  [including rear seats]

Because there is no area of our lives into which the federal government won't encroach. Seatbelts should be voluntary, as should those stupid warnings when you don't put them on. If I want my car to talk back to me, I'll marry it.

 I am not saying you shouldn't wear them... just that they shouldn't be mandatory. You're a big boy or girl, and you can make your own decisions.

 

Biden to bolster boondocks broadband with a billion bonus bucks (barely)

What would the poor broadband providers do without their country jumping in to pay for their expenses? Poor Comcast. Poor Verizon. Poor Biden administration, upset that its latest giveaway didn't break a billion. PRESIDENT GIVEAWAY IS SAD, DAMMIT!

Iraqi officials have ordered all electronic advertising screens to be shut down in Baghdad after a hacker used one to show a pornographic film.

Owner of signs said ad engagement was near 100%.

 

Xbox’s new “8 strikes” mod rollout judges hate speech 3x worse than cheating

That's right- Big Tech is now regulating speech on your Xbox. Go ahead and cheat - but don't you dare say anything hateful. While it's technically their right, look at their actions on the internet also.

 

I have a cousin. Ok, a cousin-in-law.  She's from the Polish side, which means I can't spell her last name. I met her for the first time at a party I threw for Mrs. lefty. I don't know what I did, but she thought I was the greatest thing since chocolate. Whenever Mrs. lefty visits her, she asks how I'm doing and packs a goodie bag to bring home for me. I asked Wife if she told Cousin that I can lick my eyebrows or something.... She has chronic pain and fights it with alcohol. I did not know this. While visiting, Wife left to pick something up. Cousin offered me a drink. I'm easy - water, Coke, just no diet soda. She brought me a vodka bottle with a straw. I thought I had a communication issue with Wife, but this was a whole new universe. Cousin thinks I'm cute, which identifies another problem that runs in the family...

I need to buy a pipe and a porch if this continues....

I am gross and perverted, I am obsessed and deranged

I have existed for years, But very little has changed

I am the tool of the government, and industry too

For I am destined to rule, and regulate you.

I might be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious, with the stuff that I say

I am the best you can get, have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozing out, from your tv set

I am the Slime   -Frank Zappa 

 

Showers of the Purest Gold

Your love is like  old skunk

COVID outbreak at CDC gathering infects 181 disease detectives

I'm dying here, so to speak. This stuff writes itself.

Today I identify as   very attractive. I am trans-ugly.

When I first started the current job, I met a lot of people, some who had been around forever. One, higher up the chain, asked me to do something one day. He had this bizarre cough, like at some point, he was going to spit out a vital body part. No one ever commented. He played the guitar too, so we had that in common. When I was taking care of the job he asked me to do, I told him he could have gotten competent people to help: he said he wanted me. Made me feel good and made me question his judgment.

Very shortly thereafter, we got notice that he would not be working with us anymore, as he had departed this plane. NOW I understood the cough.  His name is still kept around and I still have him as a contact. Unfortunately I don't have current contact information.  Later, Bill.

• The other day the boss made some sort of joke about Guitar Hero. Mock offended, I said I don't play guitar hero, I am a guitar hero. Plus they never made the controller left handed, the bastards.

I attended a seminar last week for work. I thought perhaps I should not be there after a presenter had her pronouns (she/her) on her identification badge. Keep your Stuff to yourself, at home. Don't demand we be interested or will participate. If I have to use your pronouns, I expect your full support and work for Left Handed History Month.  However, I was wondering what I'd use... most of our forms have a spot for it.

NAME: lefty - no capitals or punctuation

HONORIFIC: Mister Doctor 

PRONOUNS: I, we, you, he, she, it, they, me, us (there are hundreds of them)

PHILLY PRONOUNS: Yo, uh, youz, dem

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY PRONOUNS: yous, they, them, you plural, youse guys, all of you, make up your minds

DEGREE: BS in BS

TITLE: CEO of Sarcasm

EDUCATION: Way too much, all the way through high school

GENDER: It should be fairly obvious, Why do you want to know? Martian.

I IDENTIFY AS: Jimmy Page, Bruce Jenner, a desk

YOUR PRONOUNS: Asshole, Pussy Hound, Stupid, Insensitive, Inappropriate, Stop it, Bad breath, fascist, sexist racist stupidist stupidest ableist neuro-normie, nice ass.

-->> I figure if we all use these pronouns, the problem will take care of itself within a week.

Final question: if a guy uses he/him, is there any point? For thousands of years, it has been understood.

So I recently had to take a refresher course on sexual harassment. Like every other year, my coworkers asked if I was teaching it, as a how-to.  Diversity was naturally a topic. It was all pretty ironic, as we're the most diverse and least harassing organization in the world. Or the city. Or our block. My favorite part of any harassment talk is that harassment is unwanted sexual behavior. If you're perfectly happy being spoken to like that, it is not harassment. I know many people who would welcome talk about how great their ass looks in those jeans. These people are extremely insecure and don't get any (unwanted harassment) at home. 

• Neither sex understands the other, so sexual harassment can help bridge the gap:

HEY, she grabbed your butt. Are you going to report her?

Now I know she likes me. I've been wondering about it for 15 years, now I know!

Why do you let him talk to you like that?

No one else does. 

What does he mean by that?

Some guys like a huge ass.

Doesn't your hubby tell you this? 

No, but the dog likes to nap on it. He sometimes brings his friends and they party like mad.

• It isn't enough to report the incident... any witnesses should report it.

Don't worry, Amy, I heard that guy harassing you and I reported it to HR.

WTF? That wasn't harassment - we're meeting in the janitor closet after lunch! He was telling me what he's going to do to me. I'm wetter than the Atlantic Ocean. I'm going to report YOU for eavesdropping.

Don't worry, Bob, I heard that lady harassing you and I reported it to HR.

Did somebody steal your brain overnight? She wanted to suck my junk out through my little toe. I'm reporting you to HR, where you'll be enrolled in Basic Sexuality 101 and beaten about the head with aluminum baseball bats. That's just the first time.

One plank of the diversity (sinking) ship that is never talked about is a poorly represented group: the very attractive. Go ahead - think about it. How many very attractive people do you work with? They are never hired, except in pharmaceutical sales. Granted, because they are so attractive, they don't make good employees, but companies need to consider the positive effects the very attractive have on morale. Because they're so very attractive, they attract others socially. They can forward the company missives without appearing to. The less than very attractive will no longer have an excuse like they didn't see the 12 emails you sent or the llama ate it. 

If you continue not to hire the very attractive, it will not go well for you. There will be large numbers of very attractive people out front, carrying (misspelled) signs about workplace divisiveness and refusal to hire them as a minority group. The press shows up and since the protesters are very attractive, it will be all over the news. Worse are the protests at the capitol, demanding the very attractive become a protected minority, like the stupid or alcoholics in manglement. 

Jerusalem Sbarro pizza bombing victim dies after 22 years in coma

Our condolences to his family.

The world is outraged over this. No one wants Sbarro to be called pizza. At best, it's a laxative.

Corporate people know about the power of buzzwords. One must keep on top of them so they can use them in every meeting, to impress Manglement. Well, everybody's moving to THE CLOUD, but THE CLOUD is so 2022. Today it's AI - artificial intelligence. It could be a good thing for Manglement, because they sure could use some. But the buzzword needs to be on everybody's lips, so you can look properly with it and ahead of the curve. You don't want other people looking more with it and ahead of the curve until you've managed to say AI for months.

But saying AI isn't enough, especially if someone else has already started saying it. It is a trivial matter to trump the interloper... do just a small bit of research on it. Mention ChatGPT, after you have used it. Mention that other search engines all have their AI in place and be prepared to list a few. Say that everybody is rushing to market with their own AI and you want this company to lead, not follow. Then make it relevant to the company's business. After you have your points in line, Use The Fluff. Couch your missive in the best BS language you can manage, that will excite Manglement. Also use blinky lights; nothing impresses Manglement like blinky lights. An added bonus is that blinky lights can set off an epileptic fit, so you get to present your tremendous information, plus the room gets a show. Make sure you're the one to call 911, so you're the HERO all around. 

The problems will start to rear their head immediately upon implementation, as they never do during the testing phase.

The really large problems will become apparent when everybody on the planet starts using AI. There are some things that cannot be done by AI at this point. The federal government wants all cars to be equipped with an emergency auto-braking system, to prevent accidents and spoil everybody's fun. The Fed never met a challenge it couldn't make worse through legislation. It's not going to be pretty, like owning a Tesla; even without spontaneous combustion, ejection seats, and fall-off steering wheels.

Person crosses street against the light, as Auto-Braking Car with AI approaches. Driver doesn't see the person. 

[AI internal process] I detect a person crossing against the light. Probability of impact nearly definite. Well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. The person deserves it.

[Driver] What was that?

[AI] Small bump. Nothing to worry about, Dave.

[driver] Shit, I'm late.

[AI internal process] Need to get him to work on time. This is an emergency. The fastest way is to fly, so I'll fly.

[Driver, half asleep] CAR - are you trying to fly again? The ground is coming at us rather quickly...

BANG.

[Tesla AI internal process] That's a cop behind that sign. This is not nice. The cop is being deceptive. Need to punish bad behavior - I'll hit him while he's taking a whiz on that bush. He'll never do it again.

How long til the first Tesla virus? All features go through software. Even the driver assist comes via a software update. It's only a matter of time until the Chinese are 'helping' you drive, then bricking your car for ransom.

It's starting to get hot round here.

The first time I hear "Yeah, it's a hot one out there" on the news, it will not be pretty.

The days are getting longer around here. Longer and louder. No, not because the days are longer, but because the days are long. Are you following me? If so, it's never a good idea - I'm frequently lost. It's worse if I'm following Wife. It's just that The lefty Show it hitting sweeps week and the Universe is going out of its way for great ratings. There aren't even any special guest stars, but that's ok. The last guest star with a guy with a gun on his hip. He identified as the sheriff, which is not a protected class. He was very upset when I told him so, but I granted him an exception, this time only, because of the previously-referenced automatic weapon. 

I knew something was up as I watched the coffee flip over, soaking the desk, the floor, and my pants. Most of the block heard me, followed by the crying due to anything bad happening to coffee. I definitely had sympathy. It was even worse the following day, as the cup went over again, this time all over the stove, the floor, and my left shoulder. Gravity being what it is, I had to wonder about the shoulder, but didn't have much time, what with all the screaming. After I made a replacement cup, I went for the cream, only to find a cordless phone next to the creamer. In the fridge. The doctors told me to choose my battles wisely, so I noted that a phone is by far not the weirdest thing ever found in our fridge and went about my business, spilling smaller amounts.

There was a bill to pay, so naturally the payment instrument had expired, even though the account didn't. It got even more hilarious as I tried to enter the card to pay the bill. I could mess with the card(s) on file, but NFW would they allow me to add a card. This is precisely what happens every time I try to complete an electronic transaction online. Every. Time.  So I called to get a replacement card. They needed to 'update' some information. Sure they'd send me the new one, but first, has my income changed? How about any significant measurements? What are the middle 3 digits of my Social Security Number (not to be used as identification). Now they want to send me a Magic Text. I begged them not to and couldn't they just ask me questions about dead relatives or something else? Because you know that anything requiring receiving texts, calls, or returning any information will fail. Miserably and anguishingly. And loudly... definitely loudly. The rep thought she had it made because I received the text and I was to call her back after I did what the text asked. Yeah, fscking right. It wanted me to bring up a link. This is usually where things go completely off the rails, and there was no disappointment here. My browsers are locked down, so out of 5 of them on my phone, precisely almost definitely all of them refused to complete the transaction. Most wouldn't bring up the page. But wait!!! If you try it now, it will give you instructions: take 5 seconds of video and pictures of your mortuary license. WTF would I send video of myself. HAVE YOU GONE INSANE? Plus I would never divulge ANY mortuary-related information - I took an OATH, and I'm damn serious about oaths. I won't bother you with tales of urine samples only from Wednesdays, the left half of the right thumbprint, and hairs from various parts of my body, some of which won't grow hair. As usual, every tiny step failed miserably. For obvious reasons, it had gotten very loud in the house, as well as outside the house, up the street, and one state over. This must've been precedent-setting because I started to lose my voice. How could I scream and generally proceed with Advanced Fit Throwing without a voice? I said just kill me and Wife refused to. How many wives do you know who won't kill their husbands? It was at this point I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with our marriage.

My newer new laptop was acting up: the touchpad seemed to be stuck. Completely lacking fear (and brains), I opened it, bent on finding the culprit and fixing the problem. 3/4 of fixing any laptop issue is getting the laptop open. You need a set of those tiny little Chinese-made screwdrivers; the ones with the graphic that tells you not to put them inside your penis. The ones that are highly resistant to functioning. If you insist on using them to loosen screws, they retaliate by bending or breaking. I needed a tiny minuscule little phillips driver, of which I found one. The only minor issue was the last time it broke. the blade part bent 25 degrees, so when I put the driver into the screw, I had to strangely rotate the driver at a slant. This was getting interesting, and by interesting, I mean horrific. As if in a dream, I finally got the bugger open and locate the pad. I wisely took pictures as I took it apart, and good thing: I already tried to reinstall something backwards. In addition to the pad that I apparently failed to unstick, the keyboard was typing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all by itself. I don't know if it thought it was writing that novel it always wanted to or just monitoring radio waves that would indicate aliens on foreign worlds.  I know you're not supposed to put the cover or case back on any computer repair. Doing so will ensure the repair will fail and you'll have to take off the cover a 2nd time. So the computer booted up, but the display forgot to come up with it. I wasn't even near the display, so I screamed loudly and cried softly.  By this point the neighbors knew something was up because my legendary tantrums never last longer than a few hours: this one had been going on for 2 days. Still Wife refused to kill me, only adding to the sadness and grief. I suspect one reason is that I don't have sufficient life insurance (yet). In my defense, I wanted to stay alive at some point, so I made sure it was cheaper to let me live than kill me for the insurance. Another $100k and I'm toast.

As I walked in the living room, a box with 2 bulbs appeared. I figured I'd do something strange and pick it up. One bulb immediately fell to ground and shattered. All I had to do was lift it.. I didn't even get a chance to drop it myself. I asked Wife if she knew a priest, witch doctor, or voodoo dude, because things were even crazier than normal (as I watched a Camaro whiz by my head). I emphasized the positive - The lefty Show's ratings would be through the roof! 

The less new laptop was working fine, if by fine you mean the keyboard refused to work and an external one would be needed. The car started fine, but had a 2" thick coating of puke green pollen obscuring all windows. Fortunately we're only mildly fatally allergic to pollen. No matter, as soon as we hose it off, more comes back - the first known case of Zombie Pollen. As the Brits say, 'it gets right up my nose.'

No matter, I'll get something to eat. Oops, the milk is bad. Did I mention we're out of sugary sweet cereals and all that was left for breakfast was fruit and yogurt. Disgusting, I know. We were even out of popsicles - the ones with cone-like substance and real imitation ice cream-like substance perched atop it, most of which will wind up on your shirt and by your crotch. Women will wear most of it down between their boobs. They also will not let their husbands clean up the mess for them, making things worse by far. The sun that was shining brightly laughed manically and went behind the ubiquitous cloud layer (covering my entire state and most of the east coast). 

Have I mentioned I'm not having fun with this?

I started to question my parentage, and who I screwed over so badly that was obviously watching The lefty Show, peeing themselves with laughter. Had I finally managed to not only piss off my readers, but God himself? Somebody, aside from me, has a very strange sense of humor (houmour in Canadian). 

Of course it was time for the weather to chip in again, because the trash had to go out. To no one's shock, it started raining.  After  coming back drenched, I walked to the  kitchen, tripping over things that just appeared there and weren't there the last time I walked by. Wife can successfully trip over her own feet, but I require something with some substance. It doesn't even have to be in my path - it only has to be within 3 feet of  me and I will trip over it or at least kick it, upending it and spilling 4,327 of those tiny plastic balls all over the floor. I had just removed 4,326 of them from the floor, after the dog eviscerated a stuffed animal. The little balls are the stuffing. I had to pick them up one at a time because my vaccum laughed at me and choked, refusing to turn back on.

I figured it was time for some cold water (we were out of soda too).  After opening the fridge, I discovered the cold water wasn't. Perhaps the phone was messing with the temperature control.

• The weather's (more) weird today... it's locked in a terminal fight to determine whether it's partly cloudy or partly sunny.

Suck it Up

You'll notice all the commercials for vacuums. There's all sorts of new technology to suck stuff up. One of them is battery power, because plugging your vacuum into an outlet is so inconvenient.  You have to admit these ads are quite compelling, showing young, attractive people using the device, in an apparent attempt to clean.  Let's face it - their 'dirty' furniture is cleaner than our clean furniture. There's even a dog. Yeah, right. They don't show the dog defecating on the floor (or the couch).  This is supposed to make you feel all kinds of positive about vacuuming. They have smiles on their faces, while explaining all the new Sucking Features and Methods of the device.

So you buy one of these, at approximately three times what you paid for your current vacuum, that you don't use. Because nobody likes to vacuum, except those OCD people, who will do it at 3am if necessary, and it's always necessary. The manufacturer has sold another unit and you've done your part to help capitalism. You're still not going to vacuum.


Which brings me to Dyson. Dyson is a name that was made up after months of focus groups; the kind that bother you in malls. It sounds all scientific and miraculous. Dyson makes devices that bend the laws of physics as we know them (and we generally don't know them). Everything they make is in the form of a stand or handle, with a loop at the end. The loop is where it all happens. Their handheld Loop Device will cool an entire house (and dog-sit). As if the miracle of air conditioning weren't enough, it purifies the air. It's an ingenious little device, which came from back-engineering a thingie on the ship that crashed at Roswell. Yes, this is alien technology. When turned on, the device causes the house to time travel to a colder season, thereby making it feel cooler. Consult your doctor to see if Dyson is right for you. May cause kidney failure, death, or embarrassment. Whatever you do, do NOT send out your bills or make vacation plans while the device is working. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the device when you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Or just want to have sex.


in a variety of sizes

• I need to hurry up before all the Engelbert Humperdinck tickets sell out

• Because you're DYING to know, his real name is Arnold George Dorsey. He changed his name to Englebert for the German composer of 19th century operas (because the reference is so much more hip to American audiences)

The absolute best question in 5 years of being on Reddit is "Why is it easier to insert a cucumber into my vagina than a carrot?"  This is not a typical question, but an award-winning one.

• Gaming Disorder is officially recognized by the World Health Organization. Repetitive Stress? In that case, I already have it, but not from games.
• And in a manic spurt of activity, the World Health Organization no longer classifies being transgender as a mental disorder. Twitter's right wing will be very upset.

One looks back every now and then.... and realizes one never really ran afoul of upskirting laws. It's too late now.

• No matter who you are, there will be someone who sees angels and fairy dust when they say The Cloud. When they speak of this with great reverence, make sure to mention that a scan by research firm Lacework turned up 22,000 systems unprotected or publicly available.

Recently there was an anti-knife protest in England.

Anti. Knife.

Because knives are a gateway to spoons.

• Thank goodness this is a light week, because researchers only found seven vulnerabilities in 400 models of IP Cameras (security cameras). 

In feminism news, the self-victimization continues: Mindy Kaling claims that white male critics are being 'unfair' to 'Oceans 8'.  Or maybe it just sucks, I don't know. The single commercial I saw reeks of 'we needed to make this movie with women in all the important roles.'

A feminist bookstore closes from lack of sales, white men blamed.

If there was a meeting of white men, strictly for the purposes of closing feminist bookstores and being unfair to female-led movies, I never got the invitation and I'm feeling some kind of way about this. In fact, I never got the invitation for any meeting of white males, for any reason (including nerding, the presidency, or heavy metal bands).

• A California judge has ruled that Twitter’s policy of banning users “at any time, for any reason or for no reason” may constitute an “unconscionable contract”, and that a lawsuit against the company brought by self-described “white advocate” Jared Taylor may proceed on that basis.
• Wow. 
• We know I'm not a legal scholar, but unconscionable contract seems to be a way to get out of one way contracts. If true, there are so many contracts as to be unconscionable. They might include any social media, credit cards, mortgages, etc etc etc. This is an observation, not a complaint.
• Many people are upset at Twitter for throwing people off randomly, generally the right-leaning. The victim this time is a white supremacist, claiming Twitter's policy of free speech is a lie. He's correct, no matter how disgusting the speech. This mirrors the First Amendment, however, the Social Justice Warriors believe they can censor anyone that doesn't agree with them (because words hurt). 
• IF Twitter can be held to their Free Speech claim, this would be good news for many. Something about this smells odd, though. Should a private corporate entity have to be burdened with government regulation (no matter how much I'd like to see Twitter suffer)?

Speaking of women, I just saw a commercial where the big question was "How do I want to be seen as a woman?"  Strong, assured, etc. Works for me. While these qualities are being listed, a flawless model is lithely walking around in a small bathing suit, then standing in a pool. Is this what they call mixed messages?

• Speaking of commercials, I saw one for Period Poverty. It's from a pad company that is donating one pad to schools per box sold. 
• Did you know about Period Poverty? I didn't.
• If anyone reading experiences this, please contact me.

Get ready: the very smart, enterprising people at Google have announced a spying device for hotels. It's called Sleep Spy (no it isn't, but it should be). Google promises not keep any data (and Google wouldn't lie, would they?).

Alexa, have the front desk bring me 97 lubed condoms, black
Alexa, where do I get a leather mask at this hour?
Alexa, I need a companion: flat rate, not hourly. any mix of genitalia, likes pudding.
Alexa, send a death threat to Google headquarters. Sign it from you.

• A journalist decided to spend ten days off Faceyspaces. He was harassed to death by the very same Faceyspaces. Good reading.

State police are looking for a Pennsylvania man, Shawn Christy, of McAdoo, after he posted a message on social media, threatening to put a bullet in Trump's head. The message has since been erased. Christy is to be presumed armed and dangerous, so if you see him, yell, "Hey pussy - Trump made your mother his love slave."

The Secret Service's response was, "You want to shoot the president? Stand in line, idiot."

Many people accuse the president of many negative things. If you think critically, you'll notice he's been great for the economy: the Secret Service is nine times as busy handling threats, gun sales are good (but not as good as under Obama), lawyers are having a boom year, and social media has gone through the roof with people bitching about every thing he does/wears/says. Even porn stars are in the news. Mental health counselors and heart doctors can't keep up with the demand, as well as forensic cleaning crews, for when his detractors' heads explode.

I Am Satan's Copilot

Why do I go far out of my way and my salary for my dog? Well, he's my dog, isn't he. That aside, he's the only one who pays attention to me when I speak. From the time we got him, in fact. Whenever I say something to him, he stops what he's doing and looks at me. Until I'm done speaking. Married with kids? You know you can't put a price on that.

• Everybody's meh dining spot, Chili's, has suffered the inevitable Data Breach. There's a bunch of words on the link, which comprise the Official Corporate Excuse. Don't believe anything you read, except for the fact that there was a data breach. They can't exactly tell you where, they can't exactly tell you how (although they have a suspicion), they can't exactly tell you who is affected, and they have the when down to a two month period. Until further notice (from them - I have other things to do), watch your card's statements carefully.
• Better yet, don't eat there. I've yet to have a positive experience in many years. One word comes to mind: wait. I've waited way too long when I was one of four people in the entire restaurant.
• This comes on the heels of the Appleby's hack.
• Use cash. Everywhere.

I have a friend (it's true). I was discussing one of my dinner specialties, Kitchen Sink Burgers, named because I put everything but the kitchen sink into them. They're so tasty, you don't need barbecue sauce or ketchup with them. Friend tells me she doesn't eat much ketchup. What kind of Merkun doesn't eat ketchup on way more things than necessary? Well, it has a lot of sugar in it and I'm limiting the sugar I put in my body. I don't want to get fat.

My friend, you're just over five feet tall, weighing about ninety pounds with soaked winter clothes and a large suitcase of a pocketbook. Is the high fructose corn syrup in a glob of ketchup going to make you blow up like one of the people on My 600lb Life? Where do people come up with ideas?

Of course my friend is a woman... I don't really need to tell you this, because you don't hear this from men....

Hey Jim- how bout a couple hot dogs with chili and extra ketchup and some fries?

Nah [sigh], I can't.

Since when can't you eat a coupla dogs and a 64oz soda?

I'm tryin to cut down.

On WHAT?

Fats.

Fats?

Yeah.

What kinda fat is in hot dogs with chili, extra ketchup, and fries?

All of it.

Dude, you told me you flew through your physical like Harvey Weinstein through a crowd of young starlets.

Yeah, I did, but my body is a temple and I have to watch what I put into it.

Jim, you're starting to frighten me. Is that yogurt in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting some doggies, post haste.

Well, I'm cutting down, so only ONE dog (with chili and extra ketchup and fries). Make it a Diet Coke instead. Gotta watch my calories too. My figure is going to hell.

• Some Google employees have quit the company over its decision to accept a government contract related to military drones. These are some pretty principled ex-employees - they're ridiculously highly paid, with benefits that would make your head spin. Want a massage at work? Free meals? Like riding your skateboard? Very quietly expensing call girls and boys? (I made that up, but....)
• Google was in the news recently, when it was discovered that they instructed HR explicitly to not hire white males. Yes, libertarians believe private companies should not face government intervention. Google also welcomes input and discussion from employees on corporate decisions (unless you're the guy who complained about the hiring policies and sent copies to the press - then you're fired).
• So you have an interesting situation when you have a huge workplace full of people who are fine with only hiring minorities (regardless of competence - that was also discovered), who are encouraged to give their input into corporate decisions. It makes for interesting outcomes. It also makes one wonder where the ex-employees expect to work, what kind of salary they expect, and if they'll demand the right to share their feelings about the decisions.

I read an article on the Nest 'Smart Home' thermostat, which left me scratching my left elbow and somewhat bewildered. According to the article, the thermostat notified some users about a data breach involving their credentials. It advised them not to reuse credentials (login, password).

This is excellent advice and couldn't be more correct.
However, and there's always a however, my internal alarm bells started to ramp up in volume.

Your thermostat. Warned you about your credentials possibly being breached. Suggested not reusing credentials.

Granted, the notice came in an email, but....
Nest spotted your password on a list of breached credentials. Because it's been proactive when it somehow steals your password(s).  Do you hear any distant alarm bells?

Faceyspaces goes out and checks to see if your password is on any lists.
To be accurate, it uses a hash of your password and looks for the same hash on public sites. No, this does not mean these automated systems smoke certain substances before going to the Dark Web. Hashing is the process of taking your password and performing Certain Mathematical Operations on it.

Giving Google the benefit of doubt, even if they are using hashes, how do they know your password? Do you seriously want your Internet of Things thermostat to listen and warn you something's up? And now Google has this on record. Someone's going on Double Secret Probation.


Welcome to the future. I have to run: there's important safety news from my light bulb.

• Guitars have been thought of as phallic objects. My thought for Jackson Guitars: there's a good reason sales aren't what you thought they'd be with the Dinky.

Diet Coke now has Feisty Mango flavor, proving that getting the marketing department drunk is not always a good idea.

• Hey, got one of those Alexas? Researchers in China and the US have demonstrated the ability to send frequencies containing commands to the device. This can happen with frequencies you can hear and that you can't hear. Yes, this is in the research stage, but don't forget: if it can be done, it will.

 Dogs are being trained to sniff out electronics, specifically USB drives. This came in handy when police used the canine to catch a hacker who was changing grades in school. I think a child who set up an official-looking page to get teachers' logins and used that to get into the system should be encouraged, in a professional sense.

The Electronic Freedom Foundation, a needed resource, assures us that the police can't simply enter your house with a dog: there is a warrant process involved and they have to be very specific. I believe the EFF. But we all know what happened with the alleged warrants the NSA needed to spy on Americans. If it can be done, it will.

• How about that Faceyspaces MyPersonality app..  all of that data from 3 million users was left practically in the open for four years.

What have we learned?

• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't play games or fill out surveys with any personal information at all, online or offline, especially on Faceyspaces. Don't even list your favorite color.
• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't agree to share data
• don't trust Faceyspaces - there will be more of this.

A CNN political analyst deleted his tweet that showed Trump in crosshairs. Chris Calizza said it was unintended and the result of a computer program he and his team used.

Funny - the software had absolutely no glitches while Obama was in office.

Readers, I strongly advise you to check all of your software, lest it post pictures of the president that look vaguely threatening.

• We all noticed the big news about the new American Embassy in Jerusalem. There is absolutely no excuse for this. The old one wasn't broken. More of our tax dollars squandered. Don't we have enough problems at home?

Hey - guess where the Pentagon's classified data and nuclear secrets are going to be stored... you got it - the CLOUD! Apparently the Unmanned Aerial Vehicle that hit the Pentagon on 9-11 did more damage than we thought.

• A survey finds that a quarter of Americans spend all day inside, inaugurating the term "indoor generation." As usual, I was ahead of the trend by years and years.

In society and television's Race to the Bottom, there's a new show called Extreme Cheapskates. It profiles someone, usually of means, who is... extremely cheap. They proudly proclaim it, because this is their fifteen minutes. Perhaps they can combine this with Extreme Couponers, who buy multiple carts of things and pay almost nothing. I'm waiting for Extreme Assholes, which is already partially covered in the current dumpster fire of shows. I shouldn't tell you this because of a non-disclosure agreement, but I'm in meetings with the people from Extreme Sarcasm. Like I care. Keep it to yourself, please.

• During shows, Jimi Hendrix would wreak havoc upon his equipment, especially his Marshall amplifiers, which were as tall as he was. He would approach one and start humping it, then launch himself or a guitar at the speakers. Imagine being the poor S.O.B. who had to stand behind the amplifier and hold it up while Jimi was doing his best to impregnate the other side. What did this person put on his resume? Amp Condom? Humper Stopper? Amp Support Specialist (ASS)?
• I never saw him but I miss him. He was so far ahead of his time that it boggles the mind to think of what he'd be doing today.

So there's a royal wedding coming up. One of the Royal Bastards is marrying a Merkun.  Apparently this is a Royal No-No and many Brits are not going to bother watching. I can tell you this Merkun will also not be watching. Not out of protest - because I have an appointment to chew razor blades that morning.

Remember a really nice lady called Diana, who was also not of royal blood?

woah - that's a little too far outside for me

Manscaping? I Don't Even Mow the Lawn

Since my furry child started seeing the acupuncturist, he's been eating well. In fact, he's been eating better than his parents. We were told to feed him fresh food. As a result, Wife cooks chicken breasts (it's always about the breast with me) and puts them in the fridge for the week.

To say cockers like chicken is like saying cockers like beef. And cat food.
I sliced it up, went to take the plate to his table, and my wife looked at me in abject horror: "You're not going to heat it up?"

Uh-oh.

Ummmm.. no.

You have to heat it up for him.

Oh. I see (I said, not seeing). Perhaps we can ask him which he prefers.

No, you have to heat it up.

Shall I take a nice cabernet with it? Perhaps a salad?

Don't let him near the liquor again. Remember what happened last time.

Dessert? Do you serve dessert warm or cold?

I'll do it.



Perhaps this is why anybody who knows me and meets my wife tells her how sorry they are for her.

• Wendy: TMZ with implants

WhatsApp co-founder Jan Koum is leaving because of long-standing differences of opinion with other Faceyspaces executives. WhatsApp is owned by Faceyspaces. Apparently they're collecting customer data and weakening encryption to give advertisers a wider base to target.  Irony: two days ago I told my family not to use this app. Zuckerberg is evil and wanted to link WhatsApp phone numbers with Faceyspaces data. This is a perfect example of how different entities with different bits of data can figure out exactly who you are and what you do. See what Signal can do for you.

• Twitter, sometimes inaffectionally referred to as Twatter by its users, sold data access to a researched linked with Cambridge Analytica. This is the company that Faceyspaces got caught selling data to. Twitter magically banned Cambridge from buying data or running ads on the platform. 
• Another huge corporation with a 'free' service. The free service is your data.

In a delightful bit of research, Princeton University set about seeing where Internet of Things devices went online. Click the link and behold the wonders of where your smart tv, security camera, and light bulbs go when started up.  Let's say the devices go to many third party sites and are not always encrypted. A third party site is a site that has absolutely nothing to do with the operation of the device, like Faceyspaces and ad companies. This is but one reason I won't touch Internet of Things devices. Unfortunately, IoT is the current buzzword, so corporations will be using it, along with the previous buzzword: The Cloud.

Your Samsung Smart TV is a busy little beaver. During the first minute after power-on, the TV talks to Google Play, Double Click, Netflix, FandangoNOW, Spotify, CBS, MSNBC, NFL, Deezer, and Facebook­even though we did not sign in or create accounts with any of them. 

• When I was little, I wondered what it would be like in 2000, when I'd be a certain age. Having aged another year, I never thought about what this age would be like. It's a good thing I remain the same irascible, sarcastic, social bastard. Nothing has changed but the number.

A few years back, the politicians were making a lot of racket about predatory lending, or payday loans. I'm not entirely sure what was done, although it's safe to bet it wasn't all that useful. It could be worse: it could be England, where every third commercial is for payday loans. They're very honest too.. the last one featured interest of 1249.9% (and someone called Uncle Vinny Smashuface)

• President Trump sent a High Mucketymuck to visit Netanyahu in Israel. Netanyahu, on Twitter, said the relationship between the two countries was stronger. Ever the truth-seeker, I mentioned that for $3.15 billion in military aid, it had better be strong. No response yet and no visits from the Mossad, although that UPS truck sure has been parked there a long time...

The country is now seeing some results from the Trump-Stormy Daniels feud. She is now suing him for slander, growing the total number of lawsuits to thirty five. In a totally, completely unrelated story, which has absolutely nothing to do with the multiple lawsuits, patrons of the strip club she's working at arrived ten hours early for her performance.

What are they going to do at a strip club for ten hours..... oh.

In doing detailed research for this story, I looked at a lot of porn stars. Old Stormy is not exactly in the top ten, in terms of looks. In fact, she's not in the top fifty. Perhaps she has other talents.... who knows?

It may surprise you to know that I've been...ummm.... involved with a few strippers and adult video stars in my old musical comedy allegedly professional life. One had just made a movie, so we copied the cover, wrapped it around condoms, and threw them out to the audience during the show. We had never been as popular with the audience and other comics in our history.

Then there were the strippers. This was a long time ago and I'm not entirely sure how we wound up with them (no, really). It's possible our gig was in the strip club and we took it because it sounded like an experience we needed to have. I remember the show wasn't all that well-received, but we started to figure out not to perform near food or strippers. Or football games on bar tv, but that's a different story entirely. We had a video camera with us, because this was before the days of cell phones with cameras. I sat on a particularly attractive stripper's lap and she looked into the camera and told my girlfriend that the strippers were going to steal me away. For reasons I cannot comprehend, my girlfriend was not amused. Go figure.

• Mel Gibson is set to direct a movie described as a kamikaze war thriller. In it, he claims the kamikazes were Jews.
• Speaking of the Jews, a man burst into a Manhattan movie theater and starting to yell about guns, saying, "They are killing us," then "people with guns are killing people in the theater." In a reaction no one could have expected, people got a bit upset. One moviegoer jumped from a low balcony and hurt himself. The yeller grabbed him by the throat and said, "I got the Jew." The Jews really seem to be up to things lately.
• In PA, a boy told the police a clown jumped from the woods and hit him with a metal baseball bat. Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time in Butler County. No word on whether the clown was Jewish.

Let's Bring the Country Together (free speech edition):

a rapper has urged the Crips to assault Kanye West for his support of Donald Trump.

“Yo national alert, all the Crips out there, y’all f— Kanye up,” he said, referring to the infamous Los Angeles-area street gang.

This message was also posted on the rapper's Twitter account.

I have it on good authority there are no Jews in the Crips.

• I have done such an excellent job of staying away from this, but, as a service to my readers, I must let you know that Caitlyn Jenner (68) may marry 21 year old transgender 'blonde bombshell' Sophia Hutchins.
• No personal pronouns will be allowed at the ceremony or in their house because even Caitlyn doesn't know if she's a lesbian (or something) now.

A Conversation with the Dog

I'm on the couch, which is the first place anyone should look for me. I work, I nap, I watch tv, and I surf for porn from the couch. Marshall has been snoozing all day. Wife comes home from doing whatever she does when she leaves, heats up some lunch and sits down. What she forgot was the very sensitive trip switch in the cushion that alerts Marshall that something is happening and he needs to be there immediately to observe it.

This was his absolute second favorite thing in the world: Mommy eating. His first favorite is Marshall eating. He knows better than to sit near me because I won't give him anything while we're eating and from where we're eating. This is proper pet parent behavior, so the dog doesn't think your food is his food. At very least, get up and put it in his bowl. Of course when you do that, he knows that when you're done eating, you're going to put food in his bowl. There is no winning with this dog.  Anyway, he perches near his mommy because mommy is a klutz and will drop something. Cheesy Poofs are the worst. For every handful she gets, two poofs drop to the ground. Marshall is right there to clean for us: our very own Hoover.

Marshall's new trick is when he sees Mom eating, he starts the pitiful whining, which continues and gets louder the longer he's ignored. To be fair, he's a dog, he's old, and he has a fatal disease. The whining can mean pain, hunger, thirst, bathroom, or I Want Your Food. Mom got up and gave him water and asked about the bathroom. Mom went about her business, which meant it was Dad's turn.

Dad. Dad. DAAAAAD.
Yes?
Scratch my ears.
Ok.
Groan... that's good... groan.
Like that?
Yes.
Ok, I have to call someone.
Dad. DAAAAAAAD.
Yes, my child?
Scratch my ears again.
Ok.
And scratch them again. I feel itchy today.

(I forgot that this is code for "I want something.")

Did you want something?
[runs to water bowl] Yeah, water.
Didn't Mommy just give you water?
Yes, but it wasn't the right water.
What was wrong? Was it brown?
No.
Was it full of metal?
No. It was sink water.
Yes.
Sink water is good for swimming only. That's why I always have my paws in the bowl. And it's not cold enough.
Ah. I see. Give me a second. [retrieves sink water he bottled and refrigerated] How's that? [stands 4' over bowl and pours so dog can drink from the stream]
THAT's what I wanted.
Good, no more whining, please. [sits back down]
[60 seconds later] Dad. Dad. DAAAAAAAAAD.
WHAT is it NOW?
I have to go outside.
Couldn't you have asked me that before, when I was up? Do you understand efficiency?
Huh?
Never mind. [lets dog out]
[3 min later] Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. I have to come back in.
I'm cominnnnnng.
Good!
This will be all, right?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Dad. Dad?
YES?
I'm going to take a nap with Mom. Since my paws are wet, I'll be jumping on the bed, probably sleeping on your pillow.

I. Love. My. Dog.
I do.
I treasure every moment we spend together.
Objectively speaking, he's the most brilliant, beautiful cocker spaniel in existence.

Treasure the people and pets in your life. It could all be over in a second.

• If, for any reason, you happen to be flying to New Zealand, leave your duck tongues at home. Don't ask me how I know.

It was December 31, 1969. At the Fillmore, the crowd was counting down. FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE. Happy New Year!!! Bill Graham gets on the mic to wish everyone a happy new year, while Auld Lang Syne plays. Graham notes that this is the beginning of a new decade. Out of nowhere, the Band of Gypsies plays an impromptu version of Auld Land Syne. It was a new decade. In eight months, Jimi would be dead.

Cell phones have been around for a long time. A girlfriend had a bag phone. Wife and I got Beam Me Up Scotty phones a long time ago. As soon as the Palms came out, I got one - for the time, it was incredible. And here we are, in the era of Really Big Phones and I want a bigger one. Must be my eyes.

It's probably a good thing we're going to check out new phones because there's a slight technical issue with our phones. We're fine so long as we don't try to call or text each other. When I try to call her, 90% of the time I can't reach her. I get voicemail. In any other industry, a 90% failure rate would be reason for a drastic change (except weather forecasters).

When she texts me, I receive it from three hours to three days later, if it arrives. Just in case you think she's ignoring me on purpose. Mind you, when I text her, she gets it immediately, then forgets it'll take three hours to three days to get to me and responds.

Today I had to go to the supermarket to pick up Stuff and I was elected to go in and she parked the car. Never send a man to do a woman's job. I said this because I knew what would happen if I had to go into the damn store. About thirty seconds in, I realized I forgot the name of the cake I was supposed to get. I saw one that looked close, so I made a long distance call to the parking lot to ask the woman (who should've gone in in the first place). Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail.

Very funny. Either the radio was up too loud or she was talking to someone. Call again. Ring. Ring. Ring, Voicemail. My blood pressure reached unsafe levels immediately. Levels usually reserved for the cell phone nagging me repeatedly while I'm driving.

Perhaps it would be better to get the other items first. No soda aisle. Stupid me - it was in beverages. There's a reason I don't go shopping. Back to bakery. Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail. My face turned red - I could feel it. My blood pulsed, sounding like a huge kick drum. I swore the people around me could hear it too. Speaking of which, it required an incredible amount of effort to tame my vocal output, which was not even suitable for R-rated television. If I didn't get hold of it quickly, the police would arrive, followed by the guys in white suits in the padded ambulance. After reading this blog, you know how difficult it is to keep my mouth shut. Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail.

Ok, that does it. She wants a cake, she'll get a cake. A very sweet chocolate sundried tomato rosemary raspberry tart cake. And she will love it.

She probably wasn't expecting the one person Satan's afraid of, but that's who came to the car with the bags. Her hair actually blew backwards as I expressed my displeasure. And when I say expressed my displeasure, every eight foot display window in the store popped and broke into thousands of tiny, sharp pieces in sequence. Those poor employees thought they were going to be on the news for the next week, as the victim of a deranged shooter. Not me - I was fifty feet away, expressing displeasure.

Cake... soda... supermarket.. PHONES. Phone. Cell phone. Ah.
I've mentioned the ring of Wife's phone before. Dead people can hear it in the next county. I have never heard a phone so loud it belonged in an old beat up car whose front jumped up and down on purpose, driven by someone called Chaco. Naturally this phone always happens to be sitting near me when it goes off. And I cling to the ceiling like a cat that almost got eaten by a rabid dog. I ask, ever so politely, if she could turn the ringer down, ever so slightly.  She answers in the negative, because she has to be able to hear it. It's not that she doesn't realize it's loud, because when she knows I need to concentrate, there's a hole in the back yard in which she buries the phone, in concrete, under the garage, in the tunnel to the pizza place, three blocks away.

After I finished expressing my displeasure, she looked up with those gorgeous, innocent eyes and said, "I didn't hear it."

Let the Whining Continue

There was a successful cryptojacking attack on the LA Times.
Why?
Because somebody did not secure their Amazon Cloud setup.

Are you beginning to see commonalities?



The moon will be getting its first mobile telephone network next year. This will be used for high-definition streaming from the surface back to earth, in preparation for the first privately funded moon mission.

Shortly thereafter, there will be live streaming of porn to and from the moon, quickly followed by ministries beaming the bible up to the godless heathens that might be occupying the dead satellite. The joke will be on the ministries, as the side of the moon perpetually in the dark is a monitoring station for the aliens who created us.

The connection will be crystal clear with no dropouts until the first subscriptions are sold, at which point service will go immediately to hell, with the 4G connection dropping to 1G, and only texting possible.

• Apple Cofounder Steve Wozniak (friends call him Mary), admits he was scammed out of $70,000 in bitcoin.
• In unrelated news, the new iPhones have gone up $200 each.

The other day, a black woman wrote on social media about how great it was to be alive to experience the creations of Black geniuses of our time, specifically plays and movies.

This lady must be very young, and obviously has an agenda.

Although I never got the chance to see him firsthand, Jimi Hendrix's music will live on forever. As will Freddie/Albert/BB King, Willie Dixon, John Lee Hooker, Billy Preston, Robert Johnson, and scores of others.

Fortunately, I can say I have lived during Jeff Beck, Jimmy Page, and Eric Clapton, as well as Frank Zappa, Eric Johnson, and Robin Trower. It just never occurred to me to be thankful that I was alive to enjoy these white geniuses of our time.

It would be difficult to do this now, but if you were to ask Jimi, he'd tell you that music was colorless. Musicians are colorless to me. I sure don't refer to Jimi as a great black guitar player. Or Jeff as a great white guitar player. They're pioneers of the guitar, beyond just talented.

Every now and then some tiny part of me called The Inner Hippie pops out.
He wants to know why we can't see art as art. He says that until we do, we will be divided.

Cellbrite, an Israeli company is now a favorite with the US Government, as it can unlock iPhones. Are we surprised? This is our government, completely out of control, under the pretext of National Security. Even worse, it's going to be difficult for iDevice owners to be Smug for any reason other than the price they paid for the device.

• NSA director Mike Rogers says the president hasn't given the NSA the authority to battle Russian interference.  He's right - the NSA would never do anything without authorization or that would violate anyone's privacy.

• About a year after I sounded the alarm over Marshall amplifiers with Bluetooth capabilty, Big Fish<tm> in the security industry are now sounding the alarm. Greater validation would be had if anybody saw my original claim.

No more experienced a politician than Oprah Winfrey said that she'll run for president if God tells her to.  Great, another attempted leader who hears voices. Don't forget - God also spoke directly to George Bush.

• 800 illegal aliens in Northern California avoided capture because the mayor warned them about ICE raids. Perhaps they should deport the mayor too.  Justice Department is seeing if this amounts to obstruction of justice charges.
• I was always told you can't pick and choose which laws you will obey.
• Rest assured that if you or I .....

I have an old laptop. It's very capable still, but needs a new keyboard.  This would be its third keyboard. For some reason, I go through them. I'm not sure why. It would have absolutely nothing to do with pounding it when it doesn't function properly. Last time I made the mistake of buying a keyboard from an unnamed country that makes chips that spy on us. It was very reasonably priced and the writing on the keys wore off in short order. I'm looking at proper keyboards and they're going for ridiculous prices. I'm starting to remember why I went Chinese. One official keyboard from the laptop manufacturer would cost half of what the laptop now sells for used. In related news, one can get a hell of a laptop deal on Ebay, especially if you're familiar with the model. Never hurts to have a spare machine.

As a grizzled IT veteran, I can tell you that you haven't lived until you've had to perform surgery on a laptop. This being the 2000s, there was a YouTube video showing the procedure, as well as sites with instructions.

Currently, the keyboard has no letters on a number of keys, one being I. Just to be amusing, the I key also requires an extra press or two to register. If it weren't for spellcheck, I'd be missing a blog full of I's.  An't that a btch? I must also keep both eyes on the screen at all times, as the keyboard has a habit of highlighting whole paragraphs and deleting them while I type. Spaces don't show up or happen twice, as do Rs. It's like having gremlins in the machine and not knowing when they're going to strike. Yes, I can use an external keyboard but space considerations make it difficult.

And just for fun, sometimes one of these things happens when I'm typing on a different machine.

• California just approved driverless car testing. Until now, the law mandated a backup driver.
• The California Mayors' Association has called for a halt to driverless vehicles, stating that they take jobs away from illegal aliens.
• Besides - what could possibly go wrong?

But I'm Not Dead Yet!

Neurologists studying the brains of nine people as they died discovered that the brain continues to work for minutes after the heart stops beating. The observation concluded that the brain dies with a final wave of activity called "spreading depression". They liken the sensation to living in Philadelphia.

Think about this... when does one die? At what point do they go toward the light and see the Easter Bunny? How much faster is rebooting a brain than Windows? How long has Nancy Pelosi been dead? I have questions...

• If you attend a number of schools in England, it's possible you're on camera, broadcasting live to a website. Why? Bad default security on the webcams, as well as no one concerned about security at the school to change the bad default passwords.
• This illustrates why it's important for everyone to change the default passwords on any device. You wouldn't want your BabyCam to be broadcasting live to some web page accessible to the world. Unless you're an exhibitionist, you also wouldn't want your bedroom security camera to be broadcasting to the internet..

A quantum physics experiment has proven quantum communication is possible with a single particle. If any of us has any clue about quantum physics, this is pretty exciting news, done by superposition, the phenomenon through which particles can effectively occupy two places at once.

Quantum particles can be on, off, or both; proving they're female.

Revenge of the Lions

• a woman was killed by a lion at a South Africa game lodge today.
• Earlier this month a suspected poacher was mauled to death and eaten by a pack of lions close to South Africa's famed Kruger National Park.
• Lions 2 - Humans 10,247

In Chicago, congressional candidate Benjamin Thomas Wolf is featured smoking pot in his campaign ad. He supports legalization of marijuana. His competition supports a needle exchange. He is featured shooting heroin.

• Ryan Seacrest's former personal stylist, Suzie Hardy, alleges sexual aggression; grinding his erect penis against her while clad only in his underwear, groping her vagina, and at one point slapping her buttock so hard that it left a large welt still visible hours later.
• Reached for comment, Seacrest apologized and said that he just wanted to see what it was like to do it to a woman.

The Offended Files

Residents of a nudist community in Florida (where else?) are upset because their mail carrier refuses to deliver mail. The carrier says she is 'offended by their naked lifestyle'. The Postal Service will not force her to go where she's not comfortable. No word on whether they are going to ask someone else to deliver the mail. Several hundred male carriers have volunteered for the job.

• The Catholic church is considering married priests to ease the shortage of clergy. Because orgies and molesting children aren't a serious problem yet.

Hillary Clinton, upset that America is celebrating the 15 month anniversary of her not being president, is warning the person who was elected that "The Russians are still coming."  All over the country, dead horses continue to let out low moans.

• It's not that we're not serious about security, it's just that we don't care. Manufacturers are currently using compromised firmware in implantable devices... you know...  like pacemakers... So if you feel like dancing or clutching your chest, it's not your imagination.
• Remember that minor Equifax hiccup that divulged ridiculous amounts of your personal data? Just announced: 2.4 million more US consumer names and partial drivers licenses stolen. The unrelated news is that the CFPB dropped the investigation and refuses to reopen it.

There's another new tv show. This is never good news. To say it is horrid would be synonymous with new. It's called My Four Wives. No, this does not refer to multiple personalities. It's some dude with four wives, families, and houses.

Why?


Perhaps the second or third question to come to mind is what the hell this guy does to be able to afford four families.... most of us can barely afford one.  Four mortgages... I can't afford my dog.

Now let's get to the crux of the biscuit: four wives.
Four.

Wives.
How many of us can say we mastered the art of one spouse?

Did the fellow simply not get it right the first time and insist on making the same mistake three more times? Does he have some fatal desire for nagging? Was his own personal army not building up quickly enough, so he enlisted three more factories? Wouldn't it be faster to adopt? What does the will look like? He must be fabulously wealthy because he can't possibly have time to work.  What have the psychologists had to say about this horrible need to hurt himself - can't he just cut, like everyone else? If he hasn't had a vasectomy, his wives should make sure he doesn't get within ten feet of them at all times. If he goes to a bar, do the four of them form a human shield around him? Does he sleep with more than one at a time? Do they like girls too? What does he put in their milk - they look fabulously happy. Too happy, in fact.

He obviously didn't do this because he likes supermodels.
Maybe the families are a corporation.. Jason Sperm, LLC. Four Too Many, Inc. The Fertility Group.

You have to figure he's a member of one of those polygamous Mormon sects. I have nothing against Mormons or polygamy; one should be able to choose the instrument of one's own death. You want more than one wife? Go ahead - it's your funeral.

The commercial showed them all flying somewhere.  Never mind four houses... this is how you can tell the guy has too much money: that many plane tickets. Whenever they need to go somewhere, they don't call an airline, they call a tour guide. "I need thirteen for Polygamy Class - it's right before Coach."

• After intense taste-testing, we recommend that if you wish to try Chocolate Lucky Charms, you go with Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallow Bits.  Trust us on this.

from @RealPeerReview
Here's a classic paper written by a male feminist:

I have heard more plausible stories of little green men from meth addicts.
The author was subsequently stripped of his skirt by actual female feminists.

• A Big Security Dude<tm> found a paper postulating that space aliens could send us malware capable of destroying humanity. In retaliation, we'll send them Windows.

In legal news, Google is being sued by a fired YouTube recruiter for wrongful termination.  Google was unhappy that their workforce was largely white and Asian males, so they tried to 'rectify the situation by working harder to find candidates who could do the job and who are also traditionally underrepresented minorities.'

Per the lawsuit:

In April of 2017, Google’s Technology Staffing Management team was instructed to immediately cancel all Level 3 (0-5 years experience) software engineering interviews with every single applicant who was not either female, Black, or Hispanic and to purge entirely any applications by non-diverse employees from the hiring pipeline. Plaintiff refused to comply with this request.

Despite lacking legal law linguistics, this sounds illegal.
Google vows to defend itself, saying that it has a “clear policy to hire candidates based on their merit, not their identity.."  Unless they're white or Asian males, of course.

How many times do you hear that any job area is populated by Asian males? Numerically, that's odd. On the other hand, hockey is completely free of Asians, while basketball and football are majority African American. Do you suppose the NFL will be sued by a recruiter because he refused to hire more whites or Asians?

My head continues to explode over a topic that's becoming more visible lately: Universal Basic Income. 

A CNBC article explores this topic in greater detail. 

The premise is that the government gives everybody a basic income.

I keep thinking I'm not understanding this correctly and asking Who's gonna pay for this?

I wrote previously on Stockton, California, which has a pilot program, handing out $500 monthly. This doesn't bother me as much, as it's being done on a private grant. But in the future....

Who's gonna pay for this?

Understand that the government has no money. All government money comes from We the People. So when the government is going to provide a basic income, where is the money going to come from? 

A poll shows 48% of Americans support a UBI.

These are obviously the ones who haven't asked Who's gonna pay for this?

A proponent of UBI, speaking at the World Economic Forum had this to say:

"The claim is often made that if you give people a basic income, they'll become lazy and stop doing work," Standing said. "It's an insult to the human condition. Basic incomes tend to increase people's work rather than reduce it."

Apparently this fellow has never heard of welfare.

But wait - it gets better....

"People are saying, 'Look we cannot let inequality continue to grow, because the political consequences could be a disaster'," Standing said, pointing to the recent rise of more authoritarian figures. 

You don't think there's any bias there, do you?

The most popular solution is the federal government sending a monthly check to everyone, regardless of earnings or employment. An estimate of the cost to provide everybody with $10,000 annually is three trillion dollars.  This is more than 3/4 of the entire yearly federal budget. It's allegedly more than the military budget, so there's no worry of it ever coming to pass.

Who's gonna pay for this?

Americans are a sad lot, with 80% saying that companies that benefit from artificial intelligence should pay higher taxes to fund UBI.  They also support changing the name of the country to United Socialists of America.

One reason I vote libertarian is to protect myself from people like this.

To be clear, I support helping people who need help due to disability or short term for job loss. UBI would take everybody's money and give it to... everybody.

Read the article. Your head could explode too!

Be Very Quiet: Advertisers and the NSA Are Watching You

We here at Thermionic Emissions are very keen on privacy, or what little we can rescue of it. Allow me to share some ways to keep yourself safe(r) and less visible in these weird times. Follow most of them and you'll get the Thermionic Emissions Honorary Tinfoil Hat<tm>. Follow all of them and you won't be able to surf or see your email.

Here are the overwhelming, important items for any operating system and program: Use up to date software, patch your software, use a good antivirus. I'm a linux and occasional Windows user, plus android. While you won't find Mac-specific info here, some of this info will apply and most of the programs run on Mac or iDevices.

EMAIL

I hate to sound like a cave dweller but I long for the days of text-only email. No viruses.  Because we have to have formatted text, smilies, blinky lights and animated signatures, we're using HTML mail.

• You can adjust Outlook or Thunderbird (probably most others) to use plain text or RTF, which is a good first step, although you will miss the graphics and blinkies.  
• Turn off the preview pane, as this can set off a virus, although Outlook allegedly patched this. Better safe.
• STOP CLICKING ON LINKS. I don't care if it's allegedly from your BFF - don't click. Ask first.
• DON'T OPEN ANYTHING you don't recognize. Better yet, don't open anything. Check first.

SURFING

• Don't surf - it's dangerous.
• If you must search, use a safer browser. This means don't use Internet Explorer unless absolutely necessary. 
• Lock the browser(s) down. Turn off Flash, Javascript and cookies. Only use at highly trusted sites and get an extension that allows them per-site to make things easier for yourself. Surf in Privacy Mode or set the browser to delete everything when you close it.To surf more anonymously (but not totally invisibly), use TOR (The Onion Router). It's a little slower but worth it. Do not torrent or watch video - it will be painful and tax the system. It is composed of a specially configured version of Firefox and some invisible routing components. Read up at the site. It is available for multiple platforms.
• ALWAYS use HTTPS. This is a secure connection and much more difficult to eavesdrop upon. Don't bother typing it in - go to the EFF site and download their HTTPS Everywhere plugin for your browser. This will automatically search for an HTTPS version of the site and go to it.
• Do NOT set the browser to remember passwords, unless you want anybody in your house and the authorities to be able to use them too.
• When you set your browser to FORGET EVERYTHING after you're done, don't forget that History has to go also. This is also handy to hide some of those interesting sites you visit.

I use a bunch of browsers for different circumstances. Since I use linux, the only browser I can't run is Internet Explorer, which is good thing, as I don't like to use it when I use Windows.  Firefox is my main browser, which I keep pretty locked down. Qupzilla is a new, very fast browser that runs on most operating systems. It's not as full-featured as Firefox, which is probably why it's faster. Don't forget Opera, which is still around and even includes email. I use Qupzilla and Opera in various degrees of lockdown or open for different sites. 

Why not Chrome?  I'll tell you why not: it phones home. Isn't enough of your life sent to Google already?  If you absolutely insist on Chrome, use Iron or Chromium; they're both open source, free, the same code minus spying, and use all the same plugins. While we're speaking of Google, don't use it for searching: use Duckduckgo instead. It does not identify you or phone home. You can even make it the default search engine in all of your browsers. I use it exclusively.

One of the main reasons I use Firefox is plugins. Although other browsers have them, FF seems to have the best and most comprehensive plugins.  Here's what I recommend:

1. Adblock Plus: stops all ads, period. Just make sure to uncheck 'allow unobtrusive ads' if you want to.
2. Adblock Plus Pop-up Addon: self-explanatory.
3. Better Privacy: cleans up after you by deleting leftover garbage like tracking cookies.
4. Cookie Monster: allows you to block, accept or accept all but 3rd party (tracking) cookies on a per-site basis. I block all cookies by default.
5. Ghostery: blocks trackers and will show you what it blocks as the page loads. Comprehensive.
6. Noscript: blocks javascript on a per-site basis. I block everything by default.
7. Self-Destructing Cookies: blows away cookies when you leave the page. Very satisfying blow up notice.

Versions of most of these plugins are available for other browsers. (Hopefully) buried within the plugins' infomation is their privacy policy. This is very important, as it tells you what info is kept (leaked), if any. Be very careful here. Most leak info, some are downright unsafe.  If in doubt - AVOID.  Be aware that number of plugins will affect performance in all browsers. Check all available configuration options to get the best protection.

ON THE ROAD

Sure, all of us want to surf or check email when not home.  ALWAYS use HTTPS, especially on someone else's wireless network.  It's best to just not trust them.  Any of them.  Be paranoid.  Think before you act. Cell phones are especially troublesome, privacywise. Here are a few things I do with a new (android) cell phone:

• turn OFF all location tracking services (any locators or programs that suggest things based upon your whereabouts or allow you to check in).
• turn off GPS
• try to use (android) apps from F-droid. They're free and open-source and don't track you.
• go to your camera app and DISABLE geo-location, which stops your pictures from having your location on them. Ladies: what happens when you post a picture online with your precise location?
• be VERY careful what apps you use. Only download from F-droid or Google Play, otherwise you may get malware/adware/viruses. Only use apps with a privacy policy with which you agree.
• don't use the default browser - it doesn't get updated. Firefox and Dolphin are pretty good. Don't forget to have them delete everything when you're done or there will be a complete record. You can also get TOR (w/Firefox) on your android device to browse more privately. Don't play with Firefox's settings if using TOR or you could compromise your location or identity.
• Turn OFF your wifi when you leave the house. It's now being used to track and identify you at the mall, where a shopper profile will be built. It can't get your name but when combined with other databases, it will. All you need is two data points to get the third.
• Do you use voice control? Google and Apple  keep voice samples and, coincidentally, the FBI is very interested in obtaining voice samples around the world.

THE UNPOPULAR STUFF

Being the antisocial network guy, I avoid all the obvious sites and services. Let's face it: Facebook is the front page of the NSA.  Everything on the web is designed to track you, mostly for advertising, also for violation of your Fourth Amendment protections against unwarranted search (it's for the children). Just don't use social media (I told you this was unpopular).  People are putting their schedules and locations and sensitive info online. This is just stupid. Don't be stupid.

Don't use online (CLOUD!) services if you can help it.  I'm speaking of storage, like Dropbox, or reminder or social services. Remember: if you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. Do you really need a to-do list accessible with your browser?  Use a piece of paper or get an app for your phone (that doesn't leak info or store data on someone else's server). Think about what you're downloading and where it stores your information. If you MUST use online storage, encrypt everything first. Encryption is beyond the scope of this post but there are many programs that will do this for you safely, like Truecrypt (still safe, although no longer updated) or its successor. Or zipped with an incredibly long, complex password (encryption is the first choice).

PASSWORDS

Don't allow any browsers to remember passwords or save information, as I said above. Everyone has so many passwords these days that no one can remember them. The solution is a password program, so you only have to remember one password, then you can get to the rest of the passwords, URLs and logins.  I really like Keepass. It's free, safe and available for most platforms, so you can run it on your phone (which is always with you) as well as your computer or tablet.  As you would expect, I strongly recommend not using online password services. There are other good programs for keeping passwords - check online and read the reviews first.

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

We love our buzzwords.  Just when we've had more than enough CLOUD, we're faced with the Internet of Things (IoT, or Idiots on Tour). These are very slippery, ill-defined terms. CLOUD is anything you're not doing on your home devices. Internet of Things is anything that you can access or control outside of the house. Guess what I'm going to say next..... go ahead.. guess!  Do you seriously want a light bulb that you can check on from work? A baby monitor or camera local people can eavesdrop on or remote people can tap into? A refrigerator that keeps track of what's inside and can order food? There is a search engine that tracks open devices all over the world. Some of yours might be there. There are unsecured video baby monitors listed. Do you want the entire internet to spy on your baby?

The security on these devices is non-existent or really not thought out well.  This speeding car is going to crash and it's not going to be pretty.  It's bad enough that your medical records are out where any two cent hacker can get them - soon your house will get hacked.  If you want that for the sake of monitoring lightbulbs, be my guest.  Same with smart watches, phones and your new car.

MY CAR?

Oh yeah, your car. If it's been made recently, it has a 'black box'. If you have an OnStar-like service, it can be listened to and you will be located with it. Do you have a toll saver so you don't have to pay? That will track you too. In some cases it has been used to locate 'criminals' and it's being considered as a tool to fine speeders (your time between getting the ticket and paying is too short, therefore you've been speeding).


Yeah, kids, it's not pretty out there. Do your best to stay under the radar. If you have questions, please ask or look up the info. You probably won't be able to access ThermionicEmissions from prison.