After 12 Hours, Your Crotch Smells a 6 on a scale of 10

Don't ask me - I didn't write that. That's the claim of the alleged doctor, trying to sell some cream that makes your crotch, and other parts of you, not stink. You know, that annoying commercial that looks like it was shot with an old cell phone. Whoever came up with this idea for a commercial was completely under the influence of something and was mostly joking.

In related news, we escaped from the house last weekend. This is never good news, and it had been weeks since the last time, so I was a bit.... prickly...  from not getting out for a few weeks.

We found the one mall that wasn't half empty of stores, due to the Flying AIDS. We have no idea why, but it was good to see. Unfortunately we were there to eat first, so we went to the place with the cheesecake. They told us it would be 30 minutes' wait. I told them no, it wouldn't, and walked.  I shouldn't have to wait 30 minutes, especially when it's not mealtime and anyone with halfway decent vision could see the many tables that were waiting for customers. 

Then we walked to the 'food court.' Cajun Asian food? A Philly steak place in Philly? A closed Chik-Filet (because Jesus didn't eat chicken on Sundays). It was pretty miserable. A salad store? ACK! Oh wait, a brewery.. it was supposed to have good food, and we don't drink beer at all, so it was perfect. And when I say perfect, I mean we waited by several entrances and nobody could be bothered to greet or seat. I guess they were too busy for customers.

Our final hope was Friday's. I've had ok food at Friday's, so we went there, with great hope. Of course with great hope comes great expectations and with great expectations comes great disappointments; they were closed. How many large chain restaurants are closed? It looked dusty in the windows, like they were getting ready for Halloween, but we feared it hadn't been open since last Halloween.

My powers are great and they're back! I can halt all customer service and entire businesses by merely showing up.  The power is awesome, but with great power comes great responsibility. Local restaurants as well as national chains pay me not to come anywhere near their businesses, so they'll stay open. I don't really work in IT security....

So we went to our favorite diner, where I have no apparent effect on the service. Perhaps because there are never any other customers there.  I wonder if that's my fault too....

Q. How do you know you're in trouble purchasing Eeyore merchandise?

A. The attractive foreign girl at the kiosk asks, "What [is] Eeyore?"

Have you ever had to describe a depressed purple cartoon donkey to anyone? 

 

Across Israel, Jews and Arabs Join Forces to Help War Victims and Prevent Riots

It's not the people - it's their alleged 'leaders'. With exceptions, nobody's looking to kill civilians. I think people should get day jobs that they share with the 'other side.' You'd be surprised how well they work together and don't want to kill each other.

The people mentioned above are living their religion and morals.  Do not kill. Help others.

 

The Mormons were around last Saturday.

My friends wanted to know if I answered the door naked, or with a leather outfit.

Neither.

You gotta feel sorry for people whose religion has 'rules' that not only get you up early Sunday, you also have to get up early Saturday and knock on doors of people, none of whom want to see you. Maybe they weren't Mormons - they were definitely trying to look hip. How many hip Mormons do you know? They even had black Mormons. Most of the door-knockers had t-shirts that said 'At least we're not Scientologists'.

• The Phillies once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and managed to lose. My friend says she's a lifelong Philly fan, so she's used to loss. As the AntiSports, I cackle and move on.

surveillance world

• ICE Uses Tool To Find 'Derogatory' Speech Online   Ze Fuhrer vill decide
• Oops! Google Search caught publicly indexing users’ conversations with Bard AI
• A Key US Government Surveillance Tool Should Face New Limits, a Divided Privacy Oversight Board Says
• UK passport images database could be used to catch shoplifters
• ICE, CBP, Secret Service All Illegally Used Smartphone Location Data
• Chinese citizens feel their government is doing such a fine job with surveillance

--Americans do too, the difference being the Chinese government is SUPPOSED to spy on its citizens

There are LEAVES on my lawn 

I sure as hell didn't put them there.  Last time I looked, the grass was there.

You see, leaves are the final stage of mowing, the thing I hate most.

The dear departed Crazy Lady next door went to war with me about raking leaves. I hope she doesn't come back to haunt me, this being Halloween and all....

This is the back yard; the dog's personal bathroom. I look at it every day, several times, because she has to go out there. Since the weather got ugly(er), the grass was alerted to stop growing. Well, the grass out back... the grass in front ignores any seasonal cues and grows, just to spite me. And when I say grass, I mean weeds. I mow and within 2 days, the weeds are taller than the grass. Within a few more days, it has to be mowed again. I know it's personal and I never get over it. I remember previous Halloweens where the grass needed to be cut (excuse me, the weeds). 

After the final stage of mowing, the actual final stage will arrive. This takes  the form of Wife and me arguing about raking leaves. The dog's bathroom is full of leaves but I don't see any reason to rake them. It's not a public walkway and involves lots of raking, putting the little bastards in huge bags (the leaves, not the kids), then towing the bags out front. It's too much work and I see no benefit, aside from the cessation  of the screaming, so there's that.

Halloween itself is an interesting time of the year. It's getting colder (it was in the 70s last week, so it's 40 today). It's time when parents dress their kids in some crappy old outfit that no one can guess, then bus them into our neighborhood, where they heard we give out good candy, or we give out full size candy bars. I don't care which, I just find it a little annoying. Our neighborhood seems to be mostly dogs and their people; I can go days without seeing a child. Yet on Halloween, there are tons of kids. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of them (I just found out this is not a universal phrase - people, I don't swing dead cats, it's a figure of speech). 

Due to Supply Chain Issues, the candy got smaller and the cost doubled.

One of us is really fond of the holiday... really fond. You could guess, and you would be correct, that it's the one of us who likes kids. You know, the one who doesn't author this blog. The problem is that she isn't always around, having made some incredible excuse as to why she couldn't participate this year (sudden fear of children, no dead cats to swing, forgot to get candy..), so I get left holding the (empty) bag, which should be full of enough candy to withstand the busing and a few months' supply of candy. Since the timing is inconvenient and there's pr0n on the net, and since I don't like kids, I put the candy in a huge bowl and let the little bastards children pick their favorites. From time to time I refill the bowl. This absolves me of responsibility for Halloween and allows me to get back to Important Stuff<tm>. Then we both get to eat the leftovers, provided they're not lollipops, gummy dead animals, anything that even looks like fruit, or diet chocolate. Have you ever had dietetic chocolate? You bite into it, expecting the glorious chocolate goodness, then all of the sudden, you realize someone has tried to poison you. If you're still alive you ask why there isn't a HUGE yellow label on the box, that says WARNING - THIS IS DIETETIC CANDY - THERE IS NO SUGAR - DO NOT EAT! Then you dispose of them after consulting the HAZMAT people for proper disposal instructions. It turns out the precautions for disposing of dietetic candy are more stringent than for disposal of spent nuclear rods.

To my surprise, Wife has come up with yet another original excuse for missing Halloween (parents in hospital, need to stay in the will), so it's just me. Again.

The problem here, aside from my severe dislike for holidays, weeds, and people, is that there's no candy. This tends to loom large on this holiday. Why, you ask, isn't there any candy? Good question.

THE CAR HAS A FLAT.

Of course it does. We've had it for years and only $10k in body damage, but never a flat. 

We even have a donut (or something... it's covered by Stuff and I refuse to deal with it when I'm working) so somebody called the service with a lot of A's in it. This is not always a good idea. We knew this wasn't going to be a delightful experience when they wanted to tow the car to the AAA garage 30 minutes away. Not to make waves or anything, but why not the one around the corner, where they towed it last time?  "Oh, we don't have a listing for that." Imagine that... well I don't have a listing for patience.

 A few hours later, Junior left us a message. This is a futile endeavor. SOMEBODY (the dog?) left a house phone out back. While the grass might have stopped growing, the weather continued.  Surprisingly, the phone worked when brought inside, covered with a towel, fed it coffee, and sung to it. It only had a problem when we went to actually dial. SO, soon we'll have our 4th wireless phone in 1 year.  Where was the 2nd handset? Nobody knows, but it definitely wasn't near the one out back, that's for sure.  Where is Mrs. lefty's cell phone? Over there. It won't charge. Ok, use my phone.... just don't tell anybody to call back because it refuses any number not in the address book. Naturally Junior called back on my phone. So I called him, waited the standard 45 minutes for his workmates to find him, and got.... hold on... surprise! I got his voicemail. 6 hours later I called again, pretending I didn't know his name and asking for status (this way always works). The flat, with free towing, was going to cost about $700.

I know for a fact that the car found out the guitar show is this weekend. There's no other explanation for it developing problems. My house, car, and family are all in it together, to deprive me of more guitars and guitar-related equipment. I want to be fair - when you replace a tire, you should replace the other one too, get it aligned, then fly in a bishop to bless it and sign off on the work. I don't trust AAA mechanics - and sure enough, there were additional charges, like warranties, nose-picking charge, FAA charges, and something about safe disposal of dietetic candy charges. After this bout of sticker shock, we thought we were done. You're fsking kidding me, right? It needed brakes and a left handed smokeshifter, along with a left handed catcher's mitt.  I'll let you guess which of these items doesn't exist.

And after the regulation 27 hour period to complete any job at all, including filling a tire with air, off Wife goes to visit sick parents in hospital. And I'm stranded, without candy, and filled with remorse that I'm depriving the little children out of the Holiday Experience<tm>. Maybe next year, they won't bus the kids in.

Somebody is Drugging my Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like blue cheese that started out yellow, then turned blue

It's the little things. They pile up. They gang up. They multiply.

Until they fscking eat you.

Today I identify as a 2nd grader, fighting my parents, who keep telling me I'm transexual.

Seen in your inbox: The meeting on effective scheduling of meetings has been postponed.

Laundry 

Around about 2 weeks ago, I put my winter blanket in the dryer. As we know, I have night terrors over operating the washer and sometimes the dryer. After drying, I assumed, foolishly, it would somehow make it to the actual bed. I mentioned it was foolish, right? While the wash process was happening, a different blanket appeared on the bed. Wife put it there (I hope). The blanket is not just heavy, it can protect you during arctic expeditions. I do Weird Stuff in my sleep, but to the best of my knowledge, I do not have arctic expeditions. I don't even go as far as North Dakota. So although the blanket is very comfortable, I sweat in my sleep. I can't remember if sweat is supposed to be full of manly hormones to attract women (or my wife) or it just makes me smell. Out of an abundance of caution, I asked for my original blanket, which doesn't make me sweat (or make me attractive to anyone). 

Have you seen my blanket?

It's in transit.

This could be the single silliest thing I've heard about how things happen in the Thermionic Mansion. In transit? Does it get loaded into the semi and get hauled to the bedroom? I could imagine it would have to be signed for at every stop, like Fedex, because I would dearly like to track it. I wonder if she has one of those cute little tablets with all the tracking info on it. I wonder how much it cost me. Is there a url I can check to track it? I didn't get a tracking number, which is how the system will get out of actually giving me the tracking information.  Was it Linus that always carried his blanket around? Well I don't carry it, but I really like it on my bed. I know I'm being unreasonable, but if she asked, I'd have carried it up the steps to avoid it being eaten In Transit. Must be with the missing dark wash. Tomorrow it's socks, so I'm prepared not to see them again for weeks.

For Halloween, Army base Fort Sill loaded up and fired its High Mobility Artillery Rocket System (HIMARS) full of candy. Over 275 children were killed or injured. Or both.

Halloween was rough this year. Due to Supply Chain Issues, we had to give out the smaller candy bars (and I had to keep my hands out of the bag). Neighbors walked by and talked to each other about my  scary costume (I wasn't wearing one). Other neighbors stopped to tell me they thought I didn't live there anymore because they never see me. Mrs. lefty was welcomed, as always. A 'Halloween tree' appeared on the lawn (so long as I don't have to mow it, I don't care). I begged to be let out of Candy Distributing Duties, but alas... The scariest costume was Joe Biden. He had to keep being pointed to wherever he was going by the Secret Service costumes. My neighbor came up with the greatest costume ever: a vaccination. There was an awesome green alien. I asked the kid if he wasn't supposed to be gray. Perhaps that was over his head. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to interact with children. 

Since we are where we are, it rained for a good portion of Candy Day (the only holiday endorsed by the American Dental Association). Smart Wife bought chocolate candy I don't like, so it will stay around a while. I have never seen so many nice people before. The same people who would stab you in the back were wishing us a Happy Halloween and thanking us for the candy. I must live in a good neighborhood (in spite of me) because I never recognize any of the kids; they are dropped off.

Smartphones "have made it easier than ever to avoid interacting with the people in our immediate environment

Can't argue. Wouldn't want to. 

Besides.. if you wanted to interact, you could text them.

UC Berkeley is in the news again, this time because of an IRS audit. The IRS wants to know, given 3,000 students, why there are 5,000 listed Jew/intolerance monitor deductions. They say the math doesn't add up. UC Berkeley will allow the fascist invasion of their books, but not if the examiners are Jewish. If so, they will not be allowed on campus.

After monitoring this blog for a month, UC Berkeley decided it needs to start picking on a different group, because 'the Jew thing' has gotten too much mileage here. They're debating on which group is next; Christians, astronauts, pregnant women, waste processors, or pregnant men. If you try to point out that men cannot get pregnant, YOU will not be allowed on campus. 

What are the evolutionary origins of nose picking?

Fifty bucks the Smails kid eats it.

What are the evolutionary origins of ass grabbing? Ball scratching? Michael Jackson? 

We're getting to that time of year. The time where I check my Use or Lose vacation time and realize I should have started taking off already and will basically not be working the month of December. I'm trying to take it easy on my coworkers, because this year most of them know my name. They are likely to be upset if I take too much time off because it will force them to speak up in meetings and answer actual questions. Some have volunteered to pay my vacation days if I still come in. It's not that I'm any smarter than they are (I am); they just don't speak up. Ever. With 15 people in a meeting, it always sounds like the boss is having a conversation with me.

I was replacing a part in a server yesterday when I saw something. I had to shake my head and rub my eyes to make sure I was getting correct information. In our server room, there was an actual woman, of the female persuasion. This was unprecedented. In my entire time at this job, I have never seen a woman in the server room. This has nothing to do with gender or hiring - it's just that I have never seen one. I have also never seen a Corvette or gila monster in the server room and I would have been almost as surprised. We have women and minorities out the wazoo, it's truly a diverse environment. Just not in the server room. Attractive IT women are like ugly Victoria's models.

Now, lets get down to the nitty gritty: not only was she female, she was very attractive, made almost to my exact specifications. This sort of thing just doesn't happen. She asked a few questions, so I spent another minute or two with her. Sigh. It appears that I'll be going into the office a lot more in the next few months. But then I went back to my car and remembered my wife's strict No Dating policy. Sometimes she's most unreasonable.

After the fully-vaccinated head of the CDC got the Flying AIDS, it returned. 

But by all means, get the shots. Do your patriotic duty. If not, do your duty to Pfizer's shareholders.

• CostCo ran out of Halloween candy
• It was a great secret, kept from 99% of their employees. We asked where the candy was, and they had no idea. Normally this could be explained by Product Shifting. After they close, everything in the store is moved around, so even the most frequent shoppers can't find it next time. The product shifter is a real sadist, putting the cases of soda all the way at the rear of the store.
• I am told we got Rice Krispies treats. They're much harder to 'modify' than the candy. Now with the flus and Flying AIDS variant Q, the hospitals are full and unable to xray the candy for the kids. What have we come to as a society?

Moon has been drifting away from Earth for 2.4 billion years, rocks reveal

This must explain Trump's Space Force. They were formed to drag the ungrateful bastard satellite back into its proper orbit. Get ready - I think this is going to cost us a LOT of money.....

SHTF at Twitter after Elon Musk purchased it. He sent executives packing, will reinstate Trump's account, and says the blue check might cost monthly. COST will be a fun thing to watch. The whole thing will be fun. Since Big Tech is controlling the narrative, maybe this will be a break for speech and opinions. It will be interesting to watch him start fires without batteries....

Comcast, one of the greediest companies on the planet, wants to raise prices, again, because they're not getting enough new business. I've had Comcast since day one, for something like $25. I don't expect to pay that little today, but it's gotten out of hand. They claim the average customer pays $136, which doesn't sound right to me. There are special plans for low-income people. I don't even use tv and shouldn't be paying that much. I'm sure the fees and taxes are ridiculous too, but I can't even get one of my state senators to respond to me, yet he wants my vote. Don't forget Amazon and Google for the Greedy-Fest.

New neighbor has a leaf blower. New neighbor is home during the day. Therefore new neighbor uses leaf blower during the day. First time today. Therefore exactly when my work meeting started. What new neighbor doesn't know is that *I* have a leaf blower too. I would not stoop so low as to use it, but I will spend some amount of time tuning it to be LOUDER. It's probably electric (probably because I spend no time with it at all and simply take Wife's word that we have one) but I will find out whatever engineering the manufacturer did to keep it quiet and reverse each and every bit of it. I know we're all going electric, but maybe there's an electric to gas conversion kit somewhere, on a back shelf. We could go with gas, then I'd 'forget' to install the muffler. If I spent as much time doing as I did plotting...

One of the frequent arguments against a government agency that studies UFOs is that it would leak. Consider the Stealth airplanes. They were made in absolute silence and the public did not know about them for 15 or so years, when they saw them fly. And The Bomb - the public knew nothing of it. Coincidentally, one of the bomb-handling sites was Roswell Army Air Force Base: there was no separate air force at that time. Yes, the government can keep a secret. 

Now that the jury was dismissed, I thought Darrell Brooks, of the Waukesha SUV murders, should waive the penalty phase and go with a good, old-fashioned ranking with the judge. The judge has been over patient with his antics, so she might be up for it...

Mr. Brooks, are you ready?

Your Honor... your mom's so ugly, politicians won't shake her hand.

Mr. Brooks, you have the legal talent of a dead squirrel.

Your Honor... both your parents are blonde - did your mom screw a skunk?

Mr. Brooks, go ahead and claim Darrell Brooks isn't your name. Were you hatched?

Your Honor - You so ugly, your parents didn't touch you til you were 5.

Mr. Brooks - Yo mama is so loose, you probably had many uncles.

Your Honor - you need to go back to school to learn how to rank. I'll plead guilty.

I was watching the news and a suspect was picked up in a 5 year old murder of two teen girls. They were out walking, there was no cell signal, and they were killed. I wonder if their parents could sue their cell carrier, along with everyone else involved. Cell carriers should be held responsible for their alleged service, or lack of thereof. We must pay our bills in full every month, no matter how horrid the service. My text messages now take up to 24 hours to reach my wife. Tell me that shouldn't have been solved by now. Our condolences to the parents, relatives, and friends. The saddest thing in the world is burying a child.

• Scientists invented a quantum watch. This way, it can be 1:00 and 2:33.

If you shop on Ebay, Amazon, or anywhere else online, check your privacy settings. Not that you wouldn't anyway. The companies will get your preferences and personal info, but you need to make your purchases private, lest some of those items come back and get you. I had a buddy tease me because I bought Eeyore items, including underwear, for Wife. If he ever found out I bought that dual-headed... hammer, I'd never live it down. Although it sounds like my friend needs a real hobby.

UC Berkeley is prepared to strike, pending the decision on whether or not Eeyore is Jewish.

Hey lady... yeah, you... I'm glad you took your health in hand and started jogging - good for you. You should try it on the sidewalk, not the street. Street for cars, sidewalk for joggers. Because if you got in the way of my car, I would somehow be responsible for your injuries.

You really need to keep up on local politics. Here's an example: we have a road that is always a mess. The road got fixed, and now we have a bicycle path too. Why do we need a bicycle path? The road narrows for the bicycle path. This creates a dangerous situation for the bicyclists. This is getting ridiculous, especially as these are highly congested areas. Although you have to thank bicycle manufacturers for using much lighter materials, so they fly farther when you hit them. 

Oh Lord, please deliver us

Provide us with a tracking number, 

and keep us out of the hands of the USPS.

The Dog and the Elephant Will Drive. I'll Nap.

Your love is like   last year's Halloween candy

Ok, so it was Halloween. All Hallows Eve. Samhain. Elvirahain. Halloween is when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. And when parents drive their kids to nicer neighborhoods to get better candy. 

The past few years, Mrs. lefty, who enjoys the holiday like Cher enjoys plastic surgery, chose to hand out candy elsewhere. This left me to gather our Candy Credits. My area has candy credits, and if you don't get enough, they won't pick up your trash. I kid - they already don't pick up our trash.

So it fell upon me. This was rather a shame, as I don't like Halloween. Or kids. Or people knocking at my door while I'm masturbating watching tv. But it IS the official holiday of the American Dental Association. And to some degree, mine too. I like candy. A lot. If it can be separated from children, it would be called lefty Day. I like $100,000 Bars and Rolos. But they've got to be fresh, as in just packaged from the factory. I can tell, you know. One sniff and I'm like a bloodhound. I can't smell much else, but I knows my candy. My olfactory screwup was caused by a vacuum cleaner explosion when I was little, but enough about that.

Since it was left to me to distribute the sweets, I did what any red-blooded American would do: shut the curtains and turn out the lights. And then it hit me... we see a ton of children, but there are no children living around me. Halloween is the tax we pay to keep the children away the other 364 days of the year! I gotta go - I hear the little bastards approaching. I'll give them the large candy bars, because nothing's too good to keep the little tax collectors away from here every other day.

Today I identify as   that stuff my wife told me not to identify as

Buy Early  

With Thanksgiving weeks away, we advise you to pick up cranberry products quickly. The manufacturers are having trouble getting the cans, so the prices are going up.

I think this is great, for all the money I can save. I hate cranberry sauce, juice, and cranberry-related products. Naturally this is canceled by Mrs. lefty's love of cranberries.

When we were growing up, we always wanted to know how Mom got those lines around the cranberry sauce.

• if you can, buy a turkey for people who were affected by the Flying AIDS' money-suck. Thank you.

In case you haven't heard Supply Chain Issues enough, desktop and laptop computer prices are rising.

If you have computers that are slower than Congress, it's time for linux. It will run on computers you threw out years ago. There are distributions specifically made for older hardware. Even the newer ones will work. Installation runs about 20 minutes for me, no matter which. You can even test drive it without affecting what's on the computer by trying out the Live feature.

Have I mentioned you won't be profiled, used as a customer, and your data won't become property of Microsoft, NSA, and whoever else?

• Another year, another ridiculous Rock and Roll Hall of Fame back-patting induction ceremony
• This year: Jay-Z
• Show me where Jay-Z plays rock and roll........... I'll wait........
• He joins <wait for it...> ....  Tupac

Faceyspaces just changed its name. To Fecespaces. 

Internal documents show that Facebook has been actively hiring employees to build products that target children as young as 6 to expand its user base.

Do you not believe me when I say Faceyspaces is evil?

• Startup That Wants To Let You Fly Helicopter With an iPad Gets $200 Million
• I can't imagine anything going wrong here.... 
• the explosions would be spectacular and would make a great tv show: The Masked Copter Crasher

An underwater pumpkin carving competition has taken place off Key Largo, Florida.

I truly think this is the new face of democracy. Put Congress underwater, with knives and pumpkins, cover with a metal grate, then let democracy work its magic. It's not exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind, but the existing system has been corrupted beyond belief. Did I mention no air tanks?

• NASA (Never A Straight Answer) proposes new methodology for communicating the discovery of alien life.  Ummmm.... the SPACE agency is not finding new life, they're worried about communicating its discovery.... Your tax dollars at work.

You're gonna love this: back in the early 1900s, banking services were provided by the US Postal System. Billions were banked with them. It is being suggested we go back to this system.

Sure, that's a great idea. It would be like Jeffrey Epstein starting a babysitting service.

The USPS can't be trusted to get a letter next door, First Class is being devalued, and the entire service has gone down the toilet. Yeah - let's give them our money too!

• I forgot - there's a local election. I don't have to remember... the democrats start texting me. They think my name is Shakila and I live on the other side of the state. They can't keep a list together and they want my vote?
• you can't force them to stop, either. Politicians wrote themselves an exemption to the spam laws.
• there's no central place to cancel this spam - you an only cancel it per-call.
• it then becomes my job to annoy them back. Usually mentioning the 2nd Amendment puts them right off. Telling them the Rs and Ds are 2 sides of the same warped coin. Tell them we want government out of our lives and to stop being the Nanny State. Remind them of President Taxit. It's Libertarian Time!

Happy Birthday: Lyle Lovett

Happy Death Day: Jimmy Carl Black (drums, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention)

• The UK now wants to throw online trolls in jail
• UK citizens - it's time to call your people and do some protesting... want to get thrown in jail for offending someone?

President Taxit appeared to nod off during the climate conference's opening remarks

They promised him a Tootsie Pop if he managed to stay awake for the 'important parts'

• Rodent-infested Popeyes in D.C. shuts down after video shows rats running around kitchen, climbing up walls
• If that ain't a metaphor, I don't know what is....

Best Headline

Florida ‘Teacher of the Year’ arrested for hitting pupil who criticized award

You ask what about the happy news - why is there none of it?

Ok, there is a resurgence of syphilis in the US

Normally things like 'cable management' and 'organization' start my sirens and make me run screaming out of the office. The 'concepts' in articles are way too fancy and even more expensive. Plus I wouldn't be caught dead using any of it. The odds are in my favor, though, as no one can get into my office to see any of it, sometimes including me. I found a neat article on 22 best desk accessories that I actually hve to recommend. Sure, a few of them are downright silly (a foot hammock?), but there are some really useful gadgets, and not all of them are over $400 or have designer names.

According to the Wall Street Journal, favorite news source of the homeless, Apple is bringing car crash detection to the iPhone. Never one to rest on their laurels, other types of detection are in the pipeline:

1. lets your undigested food know if a crash is imminent, so it can leap back out your esophagus (thank you, Mr. Pither)
2. detects an impending argument with your spouse (just figure you will be)
3. detection of new, wildly overpriced accessories  (stays on all the time, for some reason)
4. new iPhone model detection, so you can start lining up in front of stores
5. detects the person in front of you not using turn signals  (also on all the time)
6. lets you know if you're about to be shot
7. detects there are too many detections

As if your government wasn't large enough, the Pentagon has hired a Climate Czar.

Among his suggestions for cleaning up the environment

• make all ICBMs electric
• install nuke charging stations at all convenience stores
• use only 'clean' nukes
• replace gunpowder in all bullets with climate-friendly flour
• convert tanks to cooking oil instead of diesel
• have the NSA convert to pedal power to run their supercomputers

Flying AIDS News

• The Fire Department of New York announced more than 2,000 firefighters are on medical leave, in apparent response to the vaccine mandate.
• NYC has issued a state-wide call for volunteer firefighters from areas such as Long Island and Upstate New York
• Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva continues to rail against the county's vaccine mandate, warning it is causing a "mass exodus" in his department
• US prisons face staff shortages as officers quit amid COVID
• Marines who refuse the vaccine will be booted
• J&J shot 3.5 times more likely to develop rare blood clots
• Judge suspends deadline for Chicago police to get shot(s)
• American Airlines canceled over 2,000 flights due to 'weather'
• the Amish don't want vaccines and were among the first to achieve herd immunity

The Cost of Raising an Anvil in These Confusing Times

Your love is like  the anal probe during an alien abduction

• Libertarian Jo Jorgensen's running mate, Spike Cohen, just got a page in one of the world's smallest books: "Famous Jewish People Named Spike"

Halloween's coming.
I'm not exactly in the spirit, if it hasn't been canceled already.
Just in case, I'm blasting "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer". That should keep everybody from bothering me.



Dear lefty





There's been serious rioting in Kyrgyzstan. Some say it's over the Prime Minister, some say it's because they can't spell Kyrgyzstan, some just say Kyrgyzstan doesn't have enough vowels in it. Asked for comment, the Pentagon said it stood by its friends in Kyrgystan, and would send military aid 'because we cannot afford not to be there.'

• Once again I am steamrolled by the computer virus known as Windows. A program starts but fails to do anything. I have to reboot and it offers me the choice of updating and rebooting or just rebooting. I suggest the latter, knowing it doesn't matter, then it spends the next 15 minutes telling me it's Restarting. Then it's Getting Ready, Do Not Restart. Then it's updating, because I told it not to. This is the work box, as I'd never run that piece of horse manure on my machines. And naturally I'm late for work because of this. 12%. 30%. 3%. 92%. 45%. Finally it reboots. Well, it looks like it's rebooting. It tells the hard drive to make Rebooting Noises. In reality, it's just snickering at me.
• I told my boss' boss that the company should be using linux on the desktop. Turns out he uses it at home too. 
• Now we're 'Working on Updates' again. That little wheel thingie that runs while it keeps you waiting is designed to hypnotize you - "Windows is great. I love Windows. I will send Microsoft my firstborn. 
• It's BACK!  Now it's welcoming me. It's a very welcoming operating system. Now I can get into work.
• Oh, wait.. it has to Personalize my Settings.

The Philadelphia Police Department has been put on alert, by Mayor Jim "Illegal Aliens Matter" Kenney, to begin an unprecedented gang crackdown. He said the lawlessness has to end, and there will be no more drive-by shootings until every gang member in the car wears a mask.



Continuing on the Van Halen theme, very talented musicians are coming out of the woodwork to pay tribute to Eddie, and talk of his influence upon guitar and music. I hope they let him know before he took his final solo. Once again, if you admire someone, if they make you laugh, if you catch them doing nice things for people, if their talent bowls you over, tell them. You never know what effect you could have on them.


Microsoft is in mild doo-doo, after it said it would double its number of Black and African American bosses and senior staffers. The Department of Labor sent Microsoft a friendly letter, reminding them that this policy is potentially racist.
The home of Windows said they hired the right person for the job.

Sorry, guys, but you can't have it both ways. You can't wiggle out by saying you didn't say what you said. The policy is blatantly racist, as is promoting only women or any specific group. If you are at all interested in your corporation, it behooves you to only hire and promote the best, regardless of other criteria. Stop pandering and virtue signaling: you have enough to atone for, having unleashed Windows upon the world.

P.S. is there now a difference between Black and African American?

I learned hiring by watching and doing. I only hired the most qualified person. Guess what... we were an incredibly diverse department. Male, female, Ghana, black, white, Muslim, Chinese, Cambodian, pastor, Jewish, Christian, at all levels.



Russian interference in the upcoming election continues unabated, with reports of the sales of "The Importance of Fair Elections" reaching 15 copies. The book gets filed under comedy, because Putin thinks it's hilarious.



Filmmaker James Fox just released The Phenomenon, a documentary about ufos. I've seen his previous movies and I'd highly recommend it. The amount of VIPs in this movie is huge. Don't take my word - it's available for digital download. We'll be watching it.



Today I identify as  the catalytic converter in a 1978 Ford station wagon (with real imitation woodgrain sides)



According to a mainstream media article (that was not from Pr0nhub), the most popular category of video is incest. Wow, we certainly have come a long way..... I'm sure this says something about us, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. ThermionicEmissions needs a Staff Socioligist/Psychologist... the pay sucks, the hours are long, and the blog hurts your eyes, but at least the staff is unpleasant.

Naturally none of us watch that sort of thing, but can you just imagine the (alleged) plot? A little sister sleepwalks and does her stepbrother in her sleep. The brother hits his head and believes he is his sister's boyfriend? The siblings agree to play Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the Oral Office? Son convinces Mom he's Dad? Daughter starts her life of Daddy Issues, and doesn't understand why Mom is so upset?

Why can't these people watch clown porn? Double belly button penetration? People dressed in latex, shopping at the mall? Hamster pr0n. People in giraffe costumes, with wombats on their backs? You know, normal stuff.

Dog - The Smartest Person in the House

Russian interference in the upcoming election has taken a step up, with several Russian IPs accessing Google, with the phrase 'how to hack american election'.


Your love is like a shot to the groin



Dear lefty

• What are you doing for Halloween?
• We got some of those huge bags of candy to give out. We're going to sit there and eat them.

Halloween's coming.
I know this because last month the candy displays were up at the grocery store.
So.....
Halloween in the age of the Flying AIDS.
Virtual trick or treating? Is there an app for that?
Perhaps technology will help - kids can stand at least 6' from your door and send a drone to get the candy. Maybe a 6' grabber, like the ones to get things off tall shelves.

Hospitals used to xray candy for free. If you want an xray, your copay will be $450. Will they test your candy for Flying AIDS for free?  Do you need to take the temperature of the person giving out candy at every house? Does every piece of candy have to be disinfected, in case someone breathed on it? How do hundreds of children incorporate a mask into their costume?

• The president has gotten more excited about Space Force. Apparently the aliens have been buzzing the Space Station again.

Yeah yeah, I'm always late to the party.
I know the Tonight Show is on but I've never seen any of the last few versions.
Until last night.

This is not 'old person telling kids to get off his lawn' - this is 'they call THAT a tv show?'

A split screen with the host on the left and guest on the right, talking from home.
When they went to commercial, a shot of a dude in his home studio, playing the guitar. He's the 'band'.

No. This is not a tv show. Especially one with a heritage that goes back waay before any of us were born. You can no doubt find clips with Steve Allen or Johnny Carson - funny stuff. Jay Leno too. This 'adapt to Flying AIDS' tv is sad, to be polite. Local news is also a parody of itself. I am not suggesting the host and guests shoot themselves - maybe just a hiatus. Although....

• I was raised well, in spite of what you read here. While at the mall for the first time, I yawned and went to cover my mouth. Stupid masks.

Today's best auction item: you can get the receipt for the purchase of a 1963 left handed guitar for only $500. Bargain at half the price. If you can't stand that kind of magnificence, you can opt for the $100 Ford Tractor receipt from 1950.



Today's best phrase: My parents were Chinese orthodox Jews from Iran.
I heard this because I'm not feeling well, so my darling wife decided to cheer me up with a nice tv show about the Holocaust.

Chinese Jews.
This lends itself to all sorts of jokes that would never be tolerated in public.

What do you get when you combine the Chinese with the Jews?
The owner of a car dealership who can't drive.

But I'd never lower myself to that level.

• And another thing.
• Working from home has been the greatest thing ever to happen to meetings. You can nap for the entire meeting, with no fear of anybody catching you. Not so much as a yawn, plus you get credit for attending. If you must use video for meetings, forget anything I said. Or get a picture of yourself and put it in front of the camera, then snooze blissfully. If anybody asks you a question, ask them to repeat please, because you're having audio issues.

Working from home is not all peaches and cream.
People are starting to resent workers who are also parents, as they have to juggle both jobs. Trust me, juggling children is not something that should be done at home.

You also have to adapt to normal business practices. H/R now sends you Black Lives Matter flyers to print out and hang in your office. I got one today for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. It will look fabulous next to my Worldwide Women's Breast Awareness poster. After last week's meeting with H/R, I no longer want to send them a picture of my prostate. Ok, I really do, but I'm not going to. My boss calls that 'growth'.



I just like to watch things burn....
The president was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the Israel/UAE peace agreement. The silence is deafening. I said last year that if Trump achieved peace in the middle east, people would find a way to fault him for it. On the 4th, Serbia and Kosovo agreed to normalize economic ties, in a US brokered deal.

Yeah, but why did it take him so long?
If Obama was president for life, he would already have it done.
Look at that tie!
He's an antisemite. No, wait... he's sexist.
Notice he hasn't brought peace to any latin countries. He's still a racist.

I'm still voting for Jo Jorgensen. We have the highest debt ever, we still have war or troops in more countries than we all have fingers. Civil rights are being shredded daily. You were just held prisoner in your own house. Government is the largest it has ever been, and only grows. 



You think your day was bad?
A Tennessee woman got test results saying she is positive for the Flying Aids.
She can't read the letter because she died in February.
The test was in June.
She anticipated the outcome: the letter said she had to isolate.



I hate Windows. Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.
Put in password, connect to work. Oops, it won't connect. Shock.
I've had it - just reboot. Since I was in a hurry, I selected "reboot without updates", so it sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before it performed the updates I told it not to, then finally rebooted, at which point it did a few more updates. Then it sits there and mocks me, while 'checking my status.' It knows full well that my status is 'sitting there, staring at it, wanting to reformat it and install linux,' but I'm still on probation for the last time I did that to a work computer.

This took 20 minutes.
I managed to get to my meeting exactly a few minutes late, as everyone was having their virtual coffee and discussing which words and phrases we should not use at national meetings (usually this part of the meeting focuses on me). The meeting, like most meetings, came complete with sound effects. The first one sounded like somebody dragging chains across a steel floor, then repeatedly throwing them up in the air. The owner of the noise apologized for his cat. Oh. We realized it wasn't chains - it was the cat playing a tambourine. This is a very interesting feline: normally it makes a noise like a baby screeching. Then comes the ocean noise.. kinda like a waterfall at its loudest point (turned out to be a coffee maker). This alternates with the construction on someone's home addition and minor demolitions testing (gotta keep the kids occupied). My coworkers told me not to say anything, because the last time, it only got worse. Plus all the noise is from The Boss.



Birthdays

Otis Redding
Buddy Holly (would be 84)
Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan - Grateful Dead
Ben Orr - Cars (sang "Who's gonna drive you home")
Chrissie Hynde - Pretenders
Joe Perry - Aerosmith


Checked Out

Keith Moon - Who?
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of cancer
Ernie Ball - pioneered development of guitar-related products
Hughie Thomasson - Outlaws
Diana Rigg (82) - The Avengers



SJW Stapling

Employees of the nonprofit DoSomething, which markets itself as "the largest tech company exclusively for youth and social change," are walking out today in light of allegations of racial abuse and toxic work culture at the company.   You will no doubt remember them as the company that pushed Apple to diversify emojis.

Hollywood is adding affirmative action rules to the Oscars

Laptops are for People Who Like Supermarkets

One android-related item: I've said it before, but you never realize how bad things are until you put a firewall on your phone. This might sound difficult, but hear me out...

Let's take our normal android phone.. you install a cool internet radio app like TuneIn radio. You fire the program up and listen to whatever stations you like. It became my #1 player.

Since my phone met its maker, I had to transfer everything to a new one (whatever you pay for insurance is worth it). LG, in addition to great phones, has a great transfer app. I found this out after I did everything manually on the new phone, because I only know how to do complicated things - I get nervous with anything easy. My original firewall was No Root Firewall, named because you don't have to root your phone to use it. I decided to give Netguard firewall a try.

With a firewall, when you fire up TuneIn Radio, you will get ill seeing where it goes. The firewall shows you every destination. You will see the obvious packets to the radio's domain. Then you'll see a shitload(technical term) of packets going all over the place. Spend any time looking them up and you'll see they're all advertising. So for each call for radio, there are 5 or more ad calls. One of the things about android that pisses me off is the apps are allowed to 'come alive' when they're not being used. TuneIn runs constantly, contacting ad domains. It has absolutely dominated my logs, moreso than goog calls. 

Btw, you don't need goog. You don't need to put in a goog account. You don't have to allow goog outside the phone. Since all apps phone home, the firewall stops them. Many apps don't need any net access at all, yet demand it. If you install a puzzle app, there's no reason it needs access to your phone, camera, storage, and internet access. So stop it with a firewall. You also won't see ads on everything... it's a less automatic ad-blocker.


If you have any questions, please ask. 




RIP Bill Macy (97), who played the husband on the tv show Maude.

Today's Worthless Fact: Hollywood's William H Macy had to be identified by that name because you can't have 2 people with the same name, because of some ridiculous union rule. Another example is Aerosmith's Brad Whitford and actor Bradley Whitford.



Dear lefty

• Why don't you like Faceyspaces?
• Why don't you like flesh-eating bacteria?

How the FBI abused NSA mass surveillance data.

1. a kangaroo court (FISA) was set up to rubber-stamp requests for surveillance on foreigners only.
2. the NSA slurped up everything it could, including Americans
3. the FBI violated everyone's rights by warrantlessly going through the NSA eavesdropping data.
4. This is a very clear 4th Amendment (search and seizure) violation.
5. 9-11 was a bonanza for mass surveillance, as planned.
6. As Zappa said, the only thing we have to fear is our own government.

• Nancy Pelosi introduced an NSA Reform bill that is closer to a "Let Them Continue To Do What They Want" bill. 
• Nancy Pelosi is the lowest form of politician one can find, if one can even imagine such a thing. This is your voting, California. This is what we have near the top of the pyramid. Do you still think there's any difference between Reps and Dems?

Let's take the time machine: way back to a previous employer, which had a kitchen with actual silverware. They caught one person licking the silverware and putting it back in the drawers. He probably migrated to doorbells.




It Begins....

Amazon handed over audio from 2 Echo devices in a Florida murder case.
Yes, there was a subpoena.

Let's review, shall we?

• They bought a spying device that didn't eavesdrop.
• Ok, well, maybe it eavesdrops a little.
• The device didn't activate until its name was heard
• Ok, well, it kinda listens all the time.
• It only records your voice 'for more accurate voice recognition'
• Ok, well, it records everything.

Since it records everything, the police want the recordings because they might contain evidence of a crime.

Before you read anything else, run out and buy one of those Ring doorbell cameras that allow you to see who's there when you're not home. The police love that device, and have even helped sell them to neighborhoods, so they can review the footage.

Lastly, an IoT set of videocams around the house, so AmazonFaceyspacesGoogle can see what you're doing and so can the police. To prevent crime, send the feed to the police first, then Google. They promise it will be kept private.

Would we lie to you?

Again?

Today I identify as fuzzy chartreuse shag carpeting

Today in the news:  Multiple People Killed in Rollover Crash Involving LAPD Pursuit

That was the headline.

The story was that a 3 minute chase resulted in the perp crashing and rolling his vehicle. 3 dead and one hospitalized from the vehicle only.

• There is now a frozen rising-crust pizza stuffed with bacon. That's disgusting.
• I'll let you know how about it as soon as I finish it.

On Halloween, hospitals used to offer free xrays of candy to look for foreign objects.   If you want to xray your leg, that will cost $495.

Meanwhile, a child got sick because his candy was tainted with antipsychotic meds.

• Ain't technology great? Our gadgets automatically make the time changes. We no longer have to be aware, for those of us who were historically aware. My mother used to call her kids to remind them to change the clocks. Now the kids might have to call her.
• In completely unrelated news, I found a great way to get out of bed quickly: the one clock that didn't adjust itself told me I was an hour late for work. You shoulda seen me jump!

Say, do you live in the wildfirey areas of California?

If so, PG&E (We provide power, unless we shut it off) requests that you kindly stop shooting at its employees. Thank you and that is all.

How do we know this is fake news?

Because you can't own guns in California.

No thank you, I'd rather  have a long chat with Kim Kardashian, where she tells me all her ideas about things and stuff.

An analysis of 136 depression-related sites in France, Germany, and the UK revealed a majority embed an "impressive" number of trackers, mostly for marketing.     Well, that's depressing.

• ThermionicEmissions regrets to announce that Beto has dropped out of the race. Not that the rest of them are any better, nor are your Second Amendment rights safe.

Heroes of the Stupid  

There is a tumbler page on which an entomologist rates ant emojis.

A man buried 42 schoolbuses.
no word on whether they were full or not.

SJW Stinkies  

Do you have asthma and want to reduce your carbon footprint?

Stop using your medicine and find "greener" meds, per UK researchers.

Or you could stop your meds altogether and die, canceling your carbon footprint forever.

New York Times: refugees needed to fill 'void of cultural diversity' in white towns.

do NOT misgender the employees

National Breast Awareness Month

Penny got her first(?) whipped cream, which she enjoyed immensely. Marshall inaugurated this, by being in the car when ice drinks were bought for home consumption. He'd put his nose right through the hole in the top and consume the whipped cream (and drink if he could get to it). Penny also went nose-down and managed to get some of the drink too. Thus far, the only thing she doesn't like is actual lemon, which seems universal for pets. She has also discovered that it's best to sit under Mommy, who tends to drop stuff. She now guards the floor from dropped food. She also guards the bed from me getting comfortable.

Hours after typing the above, I got a call from Mrs leftystrat, who's visiting and took her new child with her. As you see in the commercials and real life, she loves to put her head out the window, flaps flying in the breeze. Mrs noted it getting windy, looked over, and saw Penny lowering the window. Twice. She had discovered the button, then discovered it doesn't work when it gets locked. So she flew across the floor to get a view from a different window. Another smart one. Several of us are apparently going to dog training class soon.

• I love this stuff... an employee at the US Geological Service (USQLK) managed to infect a government network with Russian malware, via visiting porn sites. An investigation turned up 9,000 visits. 
• 'Legit porn sites' are businesses. They can't afford to have malware.
• 9,000 visits, not broken down by site. How can a person do their job and visit 9,000 sites? Your tax dollars at work.
• You'd think government networks would be heavily protected, especially with a block on porn sites. Network security devices can protect against this, regardless of whether it's porn or anything else.
• Even if the network didn't protect itself, they could probably tell there was an issue by the guy having one arm much larger than the other.
• 9,000 visits. What kind of rocks require 9,000 visits?

I'll be honest.. I haven't spent much time on cryptocurrency, other than the basics and news. Yes, it's done wonders for some early adopters. Yes, the government hasn't gotten its paws on cryptocurrency yet. But there are downsides, as mentioned in this article. A number of exchanges have been hacked, leaking millions of dollars, if not more. There have also been complete scams, where a hack is claimed, then the owner(s) closes up shop and leaves town. This is why I don't spend much time or money there.

You might be shocked to hear me type this, but if the government DID get its paws on cryptocurrency, as they did with banks, things would have ended very differently.. the exchange owners would cry poverty, prompting the government to bail the poor billionaires out with taxpayer money.

• After all these years, I finally made it. I have a remote control for my fan. 
• Sometimes you don't know what you've got til you look back on it.

The very funny, crossdressing comic, Eddie Izzard, just did a commercial for some charity for either starving children or democrats who believe in gun ownership. I get the appeal of a celebrity, but how seriously are you going to take a comic, no less one wearing lipstick?

Speaking of Halloween (and charity), we're in the season. Or at least we were when I typed this. I find the best way to survive Halloween involves candy, booze, and something that fires projectiles. I eat the candy, of course.

Speaking of charity, I saw an appeal from UNICEF, one of the best known groups. Speaking of Halloween (don't you love how I tie this shit together?), a long time ago, there was an effort to collect money for UNICEF, via children going out on Halloween collecting coins instead of candy. Now tell me what children you know who would forego candy for anything at all, no less charity? And even if they did (children are basically good... well.. most of them), then give the money over to charity? This is the fruit of their labor. Actually this is training for growing up and getting a job.

And here we are, in 2018, with UNICEF still in full action, collecting money, except now on tv.  I have had enough jobs to know that if I was still trying to accomplish my single goal after 40 years, I'd not only be fired, but I'd be fired long before 40 years (even in government service). Think about this for a minute.... same charity, same starving children, same parts of the world. Is there possibly some inefficiency? Have they failed to make a dent in the problem? Does their upper manglement receive $2 billion Halloween bonuses? Are they running the countries they're shilling for? Has the IRS checked for vacation homes in sunny climates? Child running? Solid gold utensils and toilets? Lighting spliffs with $100 bills?

Let's give them the benefit of doubt... say they're totally above board, but the countries with the starving children are run by tyrants who intercept aid and distribute it to their friends and paying for concerts by Bono.

Q. How many Bonos does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One. He stands there with the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Again, after over 40 years, they still haven't fixed the problem, not to mention the starving children having to sit through a Bono concert.

The only other way to deal with this would be the US invading. Unfortunately this won't happen because they have no native drugs (like..say... Afghanistan) or fossil fuels (like.. say.. the Middle East). They don't even have enough weapons to make it worth an extended stay and $4 billion in new bases. How will we feed Halliburton? And BOOM - we're back to UNICEF.

• Parsnips? They should be illegal. There's no reason any law abiding citizen needs parsnips.

You're probably wondering what the ticket agency has recommended for me this week. If you are, you have great psychic abilities (or are in the mood for a little self abuse). Let's start with KISS. Better yet, let's not.  Ariana Grande, perhaps? No, perhaps. Dan + Shay? Who is Dan + Shay? Gordon Lightfoot! Isn't he dead? No, the Canuckian decided to do a solo tour for the first time in 78 years. If you could read my mind, love... you wouldn't want to. On the positive side, it's at the Hershey Theatre. You can go, avoid the concert, and gorge on chocolate! Hanson String Theory. I know there's a Hanson and a String Theory. There's no way they joined together. It would have caused major disturbances in the time-space continuum. Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. No one has heard from Mrs Paul Simon in decades. You can tell she's serious because there's no 'the' before New Bohemians. New Kids on the Block? This is everything about childhood we hated, coming back to bite us in the groin. Again.

Out of the 15 shows promoted, they managed to get one right, overcoming great odds. Generation Axe, featuring Steve Vai (Zappa, David Lee Roth, Whitesnake, solo), Zakk Wylde (Ozzy, Black Label, solo), Yngwie Malmsteen (God himself), Nuno Bettencourt (Extreme), and Tosin Abasi (Animals as Leaders). I saw them last time and it was Christmas for guitar players. I have a great picture of Zakk playing about 15 feet from me. How many readers divided by how many play guitar.. I will be sending (bear with me a minute) ...approximately zero people to the concert.

• I just got a new, expensive vintage left handed guitar. I'm stunned.
• No, wait, what's that other word.... I really want a new, expensive vintage left handed guitar. Sorry.

The Fifth Amendment protects against self-incrimination ("I'll take the Fifth"). Sometimes this merges with the Fourth Amendment (search and seizure). In a recent court case, the owner of an iPhone was ordered to give up the passcode, so the prosecutor could get at the evidence in his phone. This issue has been banging around the courts for a while: giving up your PIN is a violation of the Fifth Amendment. The legal wrangling and technicalities are very interesting (to me) and it might be a good idea to take a look. It never hurts to be up on individual rights.

• This shouldn't come as too big a surprise, but 90% of free apps on Google Play Store share data with Google parent Alphabet.
• Nearly 43% share data with Facebook  - this is interesting, given my direct observation that nearly every android app calls FB the moment it comes up.

In the five months since GDPR came into effect, I finally figured out what's going on. Europe, or some of the people living in Europe (I'm easily confused) got mad about sites not being transparent about stealing your information, so they put up the draconian law stating that sites had to let you know what was going on. This met with incredible resistance, with some companies pulling the European versions of their web pages. They claimed it was to comply with the GDPR, but in reality they were pissed. No one had ever demanded they be honest before and there was no internal procedure to deal with it.

A compromise was reached, resulting in those horribly annoying popups about accepting cookies before looking at the page. So they can continue to screw you, but they have to announce it first.

• So about Faceyspaces getting rid of those foreign fake political ads.... Lord Zuckerburg said measures were being put in place to stop additional accounts. OOPS, it seems the alleged measures have failed. Vice News and Business Insider applied to buy ads, with all sorts of funny business, like 'paid for by 100 senators' and using the same text as ads that were banned. Each ad was approved.
• One can safely assume Lord Vader Zuckerburg is not amused. I would not want to be the employee blamed for this. The beatings are going to be particularly harsh, compared to the regular beatings.

I just saw an alert that a local high school has been locked down by the police. But there are no known threats. Obviously the police are just doing surprise visits to check for no known threats (and to cause parents to lose bowel control).

POLICE: knock knock

SCHOOL: yes?

POLICE: Police!

SCHOOL: what do you want?

POLICE: We've come to inspect the place.

SCHOOL: why? have there been threats?

POLICE: No, not at all. We're just here to really upset people. No threats, though.

SCHOOL: are you sure? Last week, the bomb squad came by to make sure there were still no bombs here. We caught them 'monitoring' the girls' showers.

POLICE: Oh no, no, no, nothing like that. Not at all. We're just doing random drills to cause panic, so we can practice saying "DON'T PANIC!" And to announce that there are no known threats.

SCHOOL: Ok. Well, come in then.

Moments later I heard the subject they were not looking for because there were no known threats had been detained and had 'it'. 'It' turned out to be a gun.

After briefly monitoring the situation for six hours or so, I think I have the factual sequence of events... I'm like some sort of unwell private dick... errr... reporter.

Hello, Police Tip Line..

Is this the police tip line?

Isn't that what I just said?

Did you say something?

I did.

No you didn't.

I most certainly did.

I have a tip.

Thank you for calling with a tip. I DID say that earlier.

You're lying.

We're the police - we NEVER lie!

You did. Just then.

Did you say you had a tip?

I don't want to talk about a tip now. You lied to me.

-- ten minutes later --

So I have a tip for you.

Good thing. This IS the tip line.

There's some kid.

Ok.

He's going to school.

Yes, that's rather serious.

No, he's going to school with a weapon.

WEAPON? Why didn't you SAY weapon?

I just did.

What kind of weapon.

A rocket launcher.

Rocket launcher?

Yes, a rocket launcher. Why do you repeat everything I say?

Are you saying I repeat everything you say?

You just did. Right there.

No I didn't.

Are you going to do anything about this rocket launcher the kid is bringing to school?

Yes sir, we're going to call every student in, plus their parents and the weekend staff (and their mothers). 

Why?

Higher body count. Works great in the news the next day. We get more funding.

-- ten minutes later, Lieutenant's office --

Sir, we have a creditable threat.

No you don't.

Yes sir, we do. I just got a tip... a student is bringing a rocket launcher to school.

This is horrible. Rocket launchers can be folded up and carried in pants, or up butts. Something must be done.

Yes sir, that's why I came to you.

Oh, is that MY job?

I believe so, sir.

Right... send SWAT, the dog team, the bomb squad, the drug lab, and the guys who wash the Special Neighborhood Police Tanks, wouldja? I want a detailed search of everyone in that building for a rocket launcher. Check a lot of pants. And make sure to get a good look at the girls' showers: SWAT didn't finish their last reconnaissance. Something might have changed. And put out a statement to the press.

Yes, sir.

Members of the press: SWAT and the bomb squad are doing random checks at a high school today - nothing to worry about. No credible evidence that there is a threat. 

What are you looking for?

Oh, nothing in particular.

Who made the threat?

No, there is no credible threat.

How do you know then?

It came over the tip line.

So there IS a credible threat.

No, we're just doing a surprise inspection to make sure there continues to be no credible threat. You can't be too careful, can you.

So in brief, an entire department is going to lock down an entire school to make sure there's no credible threat.

Exactly.

 --  Press Conference, 6 hours later  --

Members of the press: thank you for coming. We'd like to announce that SWAT, the bomb squad, the drug lab, and the guys who wash the Special Neighborhood Police Tanks visited a high school today and put it on lockdown. 

Why is this?

No particular reason.

Was there any credible threat?

None at all.

What did you find?

Nothing at all. Just a small, foldable rocket launcher. Nothing to be concerned about.

How long was the lockdown?

Not long - about six hours.

Where was the rocket launcher?

Uhhhh... in two people.

IN two people?

Yes. 

Are you aware there are midterm tests today?

No more questions, please.

Don't Ask for Creativity Before 8am

A little joy for you this morning: iPhone apps with camera permissions can take pictures and video, using the front or rear camera, without you noticing. There is nothing you can do about it at present, other than cover your camera lenses.

• Hey - where's your stick? Sensitive data on Heathrow Airport security was found on an abandoned memory stick. Most of it wasn't encrypted.
• This can be avoided in a number of ways:

1. hold onto your memory sticks, stupid.
2. encrypt the entire stick, stupid
3. don't allow this data to leave the network, stupid
4. if this didn't come from an insider, you're in deep doo-doo, stupid

• This isn't new security practice. It shouldn't come as a surprise to any computer security student.

A bug just discovered in LG IoT (Internet of Things) communication technology can allow someone to create an account and access all your LG smart appliances. This could result in your toaster committing suicide by walking into your preheated oven, then calling police and fire to tell them it's a false alarm after your smoke detectors go off.

Do not put this stuff in your house. When you go appliance shopping, tell the eager salesperson that you want dumb appliances. You want your appliances so dumb, they can run for office.  When the salesperson ignores you because he has no dumb appliances to sell, tell him you read ThermionicEmissions and you're scared shitless. This blog will either become highly read or Google will be petitioned to remove it by the IoT Safety Committee (somewhat related to the Congressional Ethics Committee).

• It's time for the Weekly Marshall Update.  Marshall is halfway through his chemo. His bloodwork is very good and Doggy Onco Doc is very happy with his progress. He has a small colored bandage around a different leg after each visit.
• We are extremely thankful for the clinical luck.
• As you'd expect, there's weirdness afoot. For the first time in recent memory, Marshall is acting like he used to. The dog who was having trouble getting up steps and jumping on furniture now sleeps in bed and relaxes on the couch. 
• Tissue shredding has recommenced! It's a good thing I get into bed in the dark, lest I see that night's freshly-shredded tissues from the trash can. The dirty ones make much better shredding.

This morning, the news introduced us to Rosebud, the therapy chicken.

Therapy chicken.

This is going to be hysterical on airplane flights.

mmmmm... tastes like chicken...

• It's dark and dreary. I suppose it's not necessary to say that, as it's our default weather. Regardless Loud Construction, Inc, is already out, making the circular saw on concrete noise.
• This goes on roughly seven days a week, yet water never gets into the power tools and electrocutes the handler.
• WTF are they building - a secret bunker? Pizza shop for soon to be missing children?

Pretenders' front woman Chrissie Hynde warned the audience of their strict no cellphones policy. The phones came out and never left. She let the audience have it midway through the first song, saying if it continued, she'd stop singing. They continued but she didn't. The band shortened its set as a result.

The self-important screaming from the audience on social media stated that the band was there for the audience and the audience was paying for the band, so they should be allowed to do whatever they want. 

I'm not a fan, but go Chrissie!

• To my vast legion of left-handed musician readers, The Southpaw Store, Disneyland in Houston, is having a sale on lefty ukuleles. The policy of this blog is still that it is not polite to speak French or play ukulele in public.

Don't forget, kids... it's Halloween!  Now get out there and offend somebody!

Appropriate someone's culture. Be creative. If all else fails, try blackface.

• My wife is so good to me... she got me a Halloween shirt that says JACKING-LANTERN.

Harvey Weinstein has been banned for life from the Producers Guild.

Because he got caught.

None of this was a secret within the industry.

Nor was Kevin Spacey. The stories are coming out about many underage males he got drunk and propositioned. He used the Gay Excuse to get out of it but gay does not equal pedophile.

Define Cruelty

I remember all the way back to Friday.  I was telling a friend that I was going to get up off my posterior and head out over the weekend.  I was almost excited.

Then it snowed.  It was almost as if it were personal.

But the true definition of cruelty, and I'm sure you'll agree if you think about it, is a non-cooperative coffee machine on Monday morning.

I've been at the present job for ten years.  Over that time, we've spent days, weeks, and months working on a suitable Coffee Strategy.  Coffee doesn't come easy.  Yes, we do have the coffee machines thoughtfully provided by our employer.  These are really convenient little machines and, when loaded, produce something in the general neighborhood of coffee (or hot chocolate) but not close enough for me.  And they're frequently not loaded, producing the sickest shades of coffee and hot chocolate imaginable.  Unfortunately they don't taste much better than they look, loaded or not.

Being a proper coffee fanatic, I decided the only way to go was to bring in beans, a grinder, and a four pot coffee maker.  This became so successful that we evolved to a twelve cup coffee maker.

It was at this point that we hit our Major Stumbling Block<tm>.  I noticed that if I didn't make coffee, it didn't get made.  Somewhat coincidentally, if I didn't clean the pot, it didn't get cleaned.  Suffice it to say that a dirty coffee pot can grow some of the most interesting blue-green `stuff' you've ever seen.  After a while it evolves speech.  This, while interesting, becomes a bit of a pain in the ass, as it just sits there, saying:

"Clean me."
"Clean me."

Then we discovered Keurig.  These are miraculous machines, wherein you fill them with water, put in a cup, put in a little coffee pod, push the button, and coffee appears in your cup.

And you don't have to wash any pots.

This was a miracle for us, provided we could get someone to pick up the coffee pods.  It was almost foolproof.

Until this morning, of course.

Here we are, yet another Monday, coming into work and pressing the BREW button for some of that magical go-juice.

And the machine just stared back at us.


A helpful person observed that sometimes it starts slowly.  I added that perhaps it's having prostate issues: it gets started slowly but eventually disburses liquid.

And it gave me half a cup of brew.

This is simply cruel.  Monday morning, of all mornings, is precisely the wrong morning to mess with my coffee.  I have barely enough oomph to operate the coffee machine, no less hurl it across the room in a petulant frenzy (a petulant frenzy?).

While we're on the topic, this particular machine is not without its drawbacks.  While it's basically effortless in the coffee-making area, one still has to procure things like cups, sugar, and creamer.  I have noticed that at least one of these things is missing when I go to make my singular cup of coffee.

I may go to put in sugar, only to find it empty.  After I procure more sugar, via an act that is probably illegal in at least thirty states, I get back to notice that the creamer is also short.  It took me way too long to remember to check everything before I hit BREW.

Since there were no additional cups, I had to go to the kitchen to dump out my measly half cup of coffee (which was starting to eat through the cup anyway) and get some more cups.  I ran a cup of plain water, which took on an eerie brown and crunchy shade, and had another go at regular old coffee.

VOILA!  An actual cup of coffee.  Success at last.

Of course I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me today, but at least I got my coffee.

----------

Today is Halloween.  My department is dressing as MIS people with bad attitudes.

By all accounts, we've nailed it.