What's in Hot Dogs? Fish Pancreas

 

Your love is like  toe jam toast

The 2022 Philly Summer Guitar Show is this weekend at the Philly Expo Center. This is not summer and the Expo Center is not in Philly, so we're in for a hell of a show. ThermionicEmissions will be there, as we cannot be stopped. It's a religious pilgrimage. I'll have pics if I can find anything interesting (and hopefully left handed). 

Delta Dental Insurance Silent on ‘Bizarre’ Video of Man in Hot Pants With a Shotgun, Declaring Independence From Delta Dental

I don't know why Delta isn't talking; it seems pretty self-explanatory to me 

Today I identify as  erectile tissue

The Great Twist Top Caper 

Once again, Weird Stuff<tm> is happening at ThermionicManor. Twist top lids are going missing. I bought a gallon of milk yesterday. Today it has no top. Both Worcestershire and Bat Nasal Passage sauces have no lids. The only reason the ketchup has a lid is that it pours out of the bottom of the container.

It took me quite a while to make something up figure out what was going on here. It turns out the fridge has what scientists (and the odd blogger) refer to as Microgravity. This is like micro-aggression, but without the entitlement. Oddly, with the whining. In any case, the microgravity only affects twist-off caps and only when twisted off. The microgravity causes the immediate area around the cap to have considerably less gravity than the other parts of the planet, except California. Because of this, caps drop to the ground. This is compounded by back issues, which make it near impossible to retrieve the errant cap from the ground, followed by complete refusal to deal with it. This makes microgravity worse, to compensate, so there are almost no caps on anything in the fridge, yet the floor is littered with them.

This causes a secondary issue: milk that tastes like fish, butter that tastes like fish, and fish that tastes like almost nothing. Oddly, cauliflower still tastes like shit. It looks like mini brains. Broccoli looks like mini trees. And asparagus looks like something you definitely don't want installed rectally. Lastly, guacamole is frog in a blender.

Until a solution is found, keep your twist-caps close to your heart. Hold onto them like the Great Unwashed holds onto The Masked Furry.

• I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled Downton Abbey is back. Now I can continue to miss it, plus I can miss new episodes.

Once again, a train has plowed into a truck. I've been unofficially keeping track of this because it fascinates me. It's almost a journal of stupidity; Darwin at his best. An Amtrak train, going 87mph, left little of a truck.  Normally I advise not parking or stopping on tracks, but there's somewhat of an exception here. The citizens of that area have been petitioning Amtrak for greater safety. For its part, Amtrak is totally ignoring them. Because they got caught, Amtrak will spring into action and install blinky lights and a bar. Yes, the intersection had no warning a train was coming. What's the worst that could happen? Oops.

Amtrak has also removed the air horns from its trains, for safety reasons. Amtrak also discovered conductors were frequently at fault, so it had them all removed too.

Who says our government does nothing?

Senators Obsessed With Creating ‘Space National Guard’ for Some Reason 

Now we can build and overinflate the military in space! It was a joyous day at Northrop Grumman, Boeing, and the other visible arms of the military industrial complex.

P.S. Don't look at contributions to politicians. Nothing to see here. Go on home 

• RIP Ivanka Trump (73).
• The death appears to be from a fall down the steps
• Pelosi and Feinstein have a small bedroom at the top of the steps, mistakenly thinking that Donald sleeps there.

UK Cousins

The bill on further net censorship to 'protect' everybody has run out of time this session. For once, you can thank the Tories for getting caught fscking alpacas.

'Why I invented Non-binary Day'

The author mentions being the strongest in class and fixing things around the house as the reason she is considered non-binary.  It doesn't sound like this is non-binary, it sounds like society has a sexism problem. If I stood up and said a woman could not replace a faucet, I'd be tarred and feathered, as well as being accused of being the worst kind of sexist.

- Everybody has their 15 minutes. Then tries to milk it for more.

Being married for a long time, some things change....

My face doesn't always light up when she enters the room; sometimes I run the other way.

We're not always holding hands, unless she's shopping. It's harder to pick stuff up.

We always watch which direction the steak knife is pointing

Sex is... more of a one-person sport

Instead of hitting the town, we hit the freezer for a pizza 

Somebody took the trapeze out of the bedroom 

 

Biden's ratings are sagging so they sent him over to Saudi Arabia, to meet the prince. Fifteen minutes into the meeting, Biden slips away to a Secret Serviceman and says, "Has anybody noticed they're wearing towels all over their bodies? What is it - Halloween or something?"

KY man arrested after fleeing from police — on a tractor

When I think of Kentucky, I think of drunk guys racing tractors on the street. If you don't believe me, read the link. Stereotypes don't come from a vacuum.

You're probably as concerned as we are about the Amazon Ring doorbell cameras and the footage being sent to the police.  So far, Amazon has given the video to police eleven times. Without permission from the owners. Amazon claims the video was subpoenaed. Even if it was, why are people aiding the state like this? This is a perfect example of slippery slope.

Speaking of which.....

San Francisco cops want real-time access to private security cameras for surveillance.  You know, like doorbell cameras. George Orwell is spinning in his grave.

Judge rules Subway can be sued over claims that its tuna sandwiches contain other fish species or animal products

Claims like '100% tuna' are misleading, according to the suit.

An independent lab did some investigation and discovered the following:

• Tuna is a large category that includes haddock, scrod, splunge, and rubber boot
• Tomatoes are reddish-orange and are produced in digital hothouses, making them tasteless, with that familiar texture of rubber
• Subway claims the only non-tuna ingredient is mayonnaise, but tests discovered fish in it too
• If the lettuce tastes funny, it was grown in fishing nets and still has net attached to it, possibly with attached crabs
• The onions were found to include beef liver, making their taste last for hours

Subway says the presence of any other fish is caused by cross-contamination when making the sandwiches. So if you find swordfish in your tuna, it was from sitting next to the bologna.

The FBI Keeps Losing Desktop Computers

Do ya feel safer now? The Three Stooges are watching over us.

Scientists design contraceptives to limit grey squirrels

Scientists, however, are mum on who's going to put them on the squirrels

 

My Comfort Elephant Rides a Tractor

Well, not really, but she's probably the only one, especially in Kentucky.
Kentucky has some sort of strange affinity for tractors, especially mixed with alcohol. I am absolutely truthful when telling you this. The Kentucky state sport is drunk tractor racing. Today there was a new spin on an old theme: the police were chasing a man on a stolen tractor.  I lived in Kentucky before I could remember. My parents said we had to leave because we had all our teeth and people was lookin at us funny.

• The Kentucky Tractor Factory Meeting will take place the 6th Sunday in February - bring something stronger than Jack Daniels. Sign up for classes on evading cops while pickled. At the end of the day, there will be prizes for the best ride while passed out.
• The Dan Quayle Kindergarten class invites you to bring your tractors by for a tuneup. This week's special is one of those hats that holds 2 cans and you stick the tubes in your mouth. Don't drive without them!
• The Women and Children's Benevolence League is petitioning the city and state to widen all roads, so it's more difficult to crash when riding a stolen tractor.
• The Kentucky Bourbon Association is holding trials, and is also on trial. They are studying how fast a drunk Kintukkyin can go on his tractor while passed out.
• Tesla is working with Kentucky to automate tractors, so they can continue to run, long after the operator has passed out.
• The state of Kentucky is carefully considering gambling. People will be able to bet on which tractor wins the race on Friday nights.

You think I'm kidding, don't you......

NO LIVES MATTER department

Aren't you glad we're back?

If you're at Verily Life Sciences and were expecting a spot bonus, you're outta luck. The money went to fund diversity and inclusion initiatives.

Walmart stops selling "All Lives Matter" t-shirts.

Reparations bill gains steam...
You know it's only a matter of time til some Congressman gets caught saying, "They're only gonna blow it on crack and Thunderbird."

Since Code Green has broken out, I went to Wendy's dot com to see if we were allowed to walk in. That information was not present, nor was much about the food, but there was a huge ad about what Wendy's is doing for black people. Today's hot job is inserting "BLM" into the front pages of web sites.

I like to sit and think... if you sit and think, these sites translate to "Please don't burn our businesses down, black people and white supporters." Didja ever think you'd see that on a web page? Pretty soon there will be BLM banners in the stores.

Still no "Left Handed Lives Matter".



Mrs lefty is... well... let's say no one in the house, dog included, is the pinnacle of grace. We call it Elephants in Tutus. It's amazing that any of us can walk in a straight line without tripping, falling, soaring, and tripping over objects that aren't there. Aside from the physical injuries, it takes its toll on jewelry. Mrs lefty is... how do I say this... hard...difficult with... dangerous... she's rough on jewelry. I don't want to say this is a problem, but if you put motorcycle chain around her neck to hold a pendant, within a week the chain would be broken. In truth, we can blame some of it on the dog(s). What dog isn't happy to see their mommy, jumping up to say hi, and ripping the chain right off her neck. We are no longer surprised when this happens. We have a huge pile of ex-jewelry because jewelers don't want to work with exploding silver (sissies). The huge pile is disheartening because there's at least another half pile missing. I watched her go outside and a necklace simply burst open, spewing chunks (STOP IT) of stones all over the sidewalk. Maybe it was the exploding silver again.....



I just threw out the (clean) diaper. Still, no one knows how it appeared. Dog's not talking. How come needed stuff doesn't just appear?




Tom Seleck is on tv sellicking reverse mortgages, with teeth that are threatening to leap out of his mouth and maybe dance a bit, when they realize they're on tv.
Reverse mortgages are a very difficult concept to grasp. A regular mortgage is when you pledge your life to rich bankers for a house. A reverse mortgage is when you pledge the rest of your life to rich bankers.. See - I cleared that right up for you. All you missed was the interest, of which you have none.