The Presidential Clown Car

There are so many people running for president that ThermionicEmissions put together a brief comparison of the major candidates so you don't have to. I'm sure this matrix will allow you to make a more informed choice for next person to occupy the White House. Another public service from the liberty-minded folks here at ThermionicEmissions.

	Donald Trump	Vermin Supreme	Bernie Sanders	me
Party	Republican	Free Pony Party	Democrat	Left-Handed Party
Most Notable	Endorsed by ex-wife, who he did not rape	Only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ	Socialist	The best left-handed guitarist on his block
Best Known for	That thing on his head	Wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush	Socialist	Male Pattern Baldness, unsuccessful blogger
Platform	Let all the damn wetbacks in	Zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan), time travel research (in order to go back and kill Hitler before he was born)	Take away all guns	Jail the Kardashians, force Congress to use Obamacare
Slogan	I've got $9 billion and you don't	Screw world peace - I want a pony	The accent Trump wishes he had	Running with scissors for YOU

	Hillary Clinton	Libertarians	Chris Christie	Rick Santorum
Party	Democrat	Libertarian?	Donut	Barefoot and Pregnant
Most Notable	The only woman Bill wouldn't sleep with	Ron Paul	Stopping traffic out of spite, blaming it on others	Didn't realize Intelligent Design was religiously motivated
Best Known for	Sucking out all bodily fluids from Vince Foster	No government spying	Using storm aid for ads	Pennsylvania's emarrassment
Platform	Whatever the Bilderbergers, Trilaterals and Council on Foreign Relations say, personal servers for me alone	Maximum freedom, minimum government, free market healthcare (because that worked so well before), stop 'exporting freedom'	Shouting down anyone who disagrees, lap band surgery in every pot (belly)	Intelligent design, no birth control, no same sex marriage, deregulate pro wrestling, waterboarding
Slogan	I ran the White House for eight years - what the hell else do you want?	Leave us alone	Shut up!	My values are the country's values

Since I don't want to unduly influence you, dear readers, here is a list of famous libertarians:

Squint Eastwood, Vince Vaughn, Ayn Rand, Chris Rock, Christina Ricci, Dave Barry, David Letterman, David Lynch, Dean Koontz, Denis Leary, Dennis Rodman (his nose rings are reportedly voting for Hillary), Donald Fagen (Steely Dan), Howard Stern, Matt Stone+Trey Parker (South Park), Penn&Teller (Penn&Teller), Kurt Russell, Drew Carey, Frank Zappa (absentee ballot), Gene Simmons, Hugh Downs, John Malkovich, Matt Drudge, Matt Groening (Simpsons), Neil Peart (Rush), Raquel Welch (I rest my case), Robert Duvall, Tom Selleck and Tommy Chong (enthusiastic marijuana user)

Who's Running this Cathouse Anyway?

The Season of Politics is upon us.  We're about to be mowed down by advertising.  The Republican Liar Convention survived the weather and the Democratic Liar Convention survived the president.  Ron Paul got screwed, as one would expect, and no one knows who Gary Johnson is.

In essence, we're screwed.

This is also no surprise.  Since we're all inside this luxurious handbasket on its way downhill, we should at least be amused.

Cue Joe Biden:

No surprise, for the third time.  It's Good Old Joe, sitting at a diner with some bikers.  He is in very close proximity to the lone female biker, as opposed to the two male bikers.  As if this weren't jolly enough, it all happened in Seaman, Ohio.

As if this weren't enough to tickle the old funny bone for the day, I came across his boss, President Obama, having difficulty with an iPhone.  The headline should have read Head iHole Can't Use iPhone.

DEMOCRAT PLANNERS TAKE NOTE:

You know me - I'm a Ron Paul kinda guy.  I wouldn't give you a handful of rocks for a republican or democrat.  But it certainly is amusing to note that perhaps the democratic candidate and his second-in-command should switch place.  I think most reasonably sane people would rather have someone who can handle a biker chick running the country than a guy who can't grok an iPhone.

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My esteemed coworkers and I arrived at work this morning to discover a new parking policy.  I smiled when I read it, knowing that the natives would soon be restless, sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches.  The natives never disappoint.  In short order, I could hear the drums beating and smell the lighter fluid.

Out to lunch with a friend, I explained the whole parking brouhaha, including the pitchforks.  

He looked at me and said, "So there's a new parking policy that states people should not park in places where parking is not allowed."

"Yes," I assured him, "you understand."

He replied, "And people are outraged."

"Exactly."

"Ok," he said, and we went to another topic.