Vogon Opera

Your love is like  winter in May

from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

“Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."

Ode to a Bolt I Found on the Carpet  

So you know what I was doing... I was minding my own business, on the way from one room to another. It had been sunny and mild for two days, so the neighborhood was on-edge, but at least they were quiet. The kids were down in their Panic Rooms, safe from the mysterious light in the sky. Grandparents still had their winter coats on, and were flummoxed when they got hot while walking outside.

As I walked, I said to myself, "GODDAMN, that really hurt." Always the brave one, I turned around to find the source of the pain. It was a rather large metal bolt, sitting on the carpet. Whether it was minding its own business or not, I cannot say. The thing is, I don't know where the bolt is from or how it got there. It was out in the middle of the walkway, so it couldn't have fallen out of a chair, or even the V8 engine I was rebuilding on the dining room table. And when I say rebuilding, I mean I had the idea to rebuild, got it on the table, took off a few bits and pieces, and allowed it to sit there while I waited for inspiration to strike me. It's been 4 years and so far nothing struck me (not even Mrs. lefty).

The thing is, the house is very quiet, as Mrs. lefty is out visiting for a few days. That leaves me and the dog. I'm reasonably certain I'd know if I left a large bolt on the floor. Logically, that leaves the dog. I know for a fact she doesn't like metal - it's just not tasty like tuna or lunchmeat. We do sometimes wonder if she knows that leaving her toys around and killing us would not be to her advantage. 

So I've covered all the logical causes, leaving only the illogical causes. Occam's Razor says the simplest solution is the right one. Unfortunately Occam never sharpened the razor, which grew incredibly dull with time and use. The obvious solution would be Mrs. lefty somehow managing to deposit the bolt there. BUT she could not put the bolt there from three hours away: she's good, but not that good. Whaddaya say about that, Occam? Back to illogical, non-Occam approved solutions, it could be the house just appearing and placing a bolt. It's not like we'd be too surprised. Much weirder things have happened, including carpenter bees and an entire expensive window hurling itself to the ground for no particular reason. I can't prove it, but I suspect the house moves a fraction of an inch every little while. It doesn't look really odd, but I just get the strangest feeling something's not right. This is where the house screws up. If it's gonna mess with me, it has to make things more obvious, so I'll catch them.  It could also be something living in the house that I can't see. Don't laugh - sometimes the dog sits and stares at things, motionless for a while. Sometimes I think we have Visitors.

So I'm essentially no further than I was before painfully discovering the bolt. I also can predict what's going to happen soon. Wife will return home, then step on the bolt too. It's not that I don't pick anything up, it's that I needed it to stay there, to give me the inspiration for this blog. This part of the blog might've shrunk and died (like the Grammys) if I didn't leave the bolt exactly where it was. Maybe she will have some idea where it came from. The dog sure ain't talkin'.

I can tell you another thing that will happen when she gets home. She will immediately pick up the phone and spend a few hours talking with all the people she spent the last few days with. "Give me a ring to let me know you got home ok" is code for "we need to finish our conversation about the proper plants for my garden and continue bitching about certain people we feel aren't carrying their weight, or are putting it on rapidly."

And I'm just sitting there, waving my hand, hoping to be noticed. You know, a little hello, a kiss, an 'I missed you', a bit of oral sex, something.

• Mental health apps have terrible privacy protections, report finds
• Shocking.
• Let's face it - the great majority of apps have no security or privacy. Nor do social media apps. Unfortunately it is the responsibility of the user to look out for themselves. READ the privacy policy first - don't just click OK.
• Most apps have ads that track, if not direct links to Faceyspaces. I have a game that tries to contact Faceyspaces every few minutes. I can't think of a single reason this is necessary, so it's firewalled off.
• If you have any doubts, do a little research. If it's still questionable, you're welcome to ask here, in the comments. Until you're satisfied, don't install the app - if you do, it can still access things without you knowing.

With the mad rush to 'green cars,' I asked what the ultimate cost was. Here's something interesting: "Clean energy's need for unsustainable minerals". Plus there's the generation of power to recharge the cars. I think we're going to find out that green cars aren't that green and we've been sold a bill of goods. Again.

• Dog breed is a surprisingly poor predictor of individual behavior
• This is a whopper... allegedly, breed makes up only 9% of behaviors. Not sure I'm believing, but make your own decision.

Today I identify as  Covid 20 - Son of Covid

These companies paid little to no taxes last year

This is a good read. Although they partially blame a Trump tax cut, what they fail to mention is the breaks written into the tax code by Congress. Corporations 'generously donate' to a Congressperson, who manages to slide some 'favorable text' into tax legislation. As you would expect, it's done in a sneaky way and the corporations are not necessarily named.  Although I don't have exact text, it goes something like this: A company incorporated in Bumfuct, Alabama. on March 12, 2001, shall pay no income tax.' You can look it up, but good luck trying.

Armed Robbery Staged in Front of FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.

I suppose this isn't too surprising. The FBI is the modern day Keystone Kops, and spends more time arming dummies and 'catching' them than doing anything helpful.

Ode to a Useless Operating System 

As I'm finishing up work the other night, I notice I'm no longer connected to work. The only clue I have is the little blinky that tells me Windows installed something and I have to reboot. Well, that's probably all I need to know... it was being helpful by knocking me off so I could reboot. I gave up on work because no more of it was going to get done until I appeased the Reboot Gods.

The next day, after I just gave up and let it do whatever it wanted, it took 15 minutes to boot. When it eventually decided to come up, I noticed things were operating strangely (more strangely). Why? It had randomly changed the buttons on my mouse to right handed. After another fifteen minutes, I managed to get to the mouse settings and they were set correctly - they just operated backwards. I had to change them to look like they were backwards to make them work correctly.

Windows: It's not an operating system, it's a virus

Part II

I put in a help ticket.

A helpful tech, Bob, called me. Highlights of the call:

• oh, you sent me a screenshot?
• Antivirus? Oh, we can't do anything about that.
• Yes, the new one will have the same problem, but it will have the same problem faster, so it will only put you out of action one day instead of five
• You used to work on the first floor? No, I'm on the third floor. I don't know where the first floor is.

Wife is unreasonable.

Apparently, running around the house with a lampshade stapled to my head, singing songs about how Windows has finally beaten me is scaring the dog and is NOT normal behavior, even for us.

All I have left is to back up some files. Windows assures me that it's copying them, and after 30 minutes, it's 2% complete.  

It's going to be a long week today.

Let's Go!!!! 

My car won't unlock. That's new. Maybe the battery's dead. Or something.

I went back to the last century and unlocked the door manually. Battery's fine. Key fob not detected. WTF do you mean key fob not detected? It was detected just fine last night. It has a brand new battery in it. I'd jump off a bridge, but there are none within walking distance. Borrowed Wife's fob. I wish that was as dirty as it sounded.

Bob hands me a new laptop, didn't copy my profile over, containing all my settings. It should only take the rest of the calendar year to put everything back.

Home Again, Home Again 

Run the new power supply wires. Hook up monitors, nothing is on the same side.

Annnnnnd the wireless won't connect. Why? Somebody turned off the power strip (I'm going to blame the dog even though it was probably me). FINALLY connected. My major job function tool JUST broke down, so I couldn't do much.

And I was able to provide my employer with an hour of productive work. It's probably more than a lot of my coworkers did, and they were at their desks all day.

• I sure picked a bad week to stop shooting heroin

Heard this coming out of the police scanner:

...one house flipped into the air and landed on another

Sounds like a 'concentrated wind event'

Why does this look like an old SNL sketch with Chris Farley?

The Feigned Fickle Finger of Fate Flocks to the Fore

 Your love is like  stage 4 anal probes

Never ever ever, in your wildest, dreams and thoughts, even think about pissing off a woman. El Chapo's wife is going to rat out the cartel. Apparently he was unfaithful.

Hey, Chapo... now would be a good time to beg for American protection. Even a small hole, with cockroaches, would be safer... Saddam Hussein had one...

2021 Golden Globes?

Who cares? 

• Eyes may show early warnings for Alzheimer's.
• The dems had this scientific breakthrough held til after the election 

QAnon, the conspiracy group following Trump, says he will be made president again next week. I'm going out on a limb here and saying this won't happen. If it were to, it would come as quite a shock to the old guy in the White House. Most importantly, it would come as a real aneurysm creator for his voters. This part might be kinda funny. They've spent the last 4 years with their brains THIS close to popping out their ears already. Then Trump will be declared the loser and we'll might as well put Vermin Supreme in, where he belongs. I believe the gist here is that someone needs to cut off the flow of hallucinogenics to QAnon.

Speaking of which, an 800 year old Hebrew comment on the bible says Iran is going to bomb everyone, the messiah will be revealed, people will panic, and this will be before the Flying AIDS goes away.

We better keep these 2 groups apart or Trump will be revealed as the Messiah, and the democrats will bomb Iran. Close associates say Trump already thinks he's the Messiah.

Today I identify as  that brown stuff under the dirty snow

L.A. police are looking into vandalism, fire at a Buddhist temple. Someone's afraid the Buddhists are going to come after them.

So that American Airlines plane that saw a ufo? This isn't the first time.

Told you so.

There is no snickering in the article. Watch for more of this. For whatever reason, someone has decided to let some truth out. Regardless, it's a psyop. We've been watching these since at least 1940, probably before.

• A news photographer reporting on a suspected outbreak of youth violence..... was attacked and seriously injured. Officials are charging attempted murder.
• Officials are closer than ever to claiming an outbreak of youth violence

My coworker called me the other day. "I don't mean to whine," (he means to whine) "but how's that project I asked for help with?" (dumped on you) "The boss said he wanted it done by Tuesday" (I wanted to get it done to look good for the boss). "I know you're a database specialist" (I'm too fat and lazy to take the free classes) so I thought you could help" (do my work for me). "We're a great team when we work together" (when you do my work for me) "and the boss appreciates it" (and I get credit for it all). "I always make sure to highlight the great work you've done" (sometimes forget to put your name on it).

I'm the guy who 'gets in' to work before his appointed time. That is, until Windows 10. Now we just take it for granted that I'll be 5-30 minutes late. When I shut down, there are naturally all sorts of updates. Ok, this is perfectly acceptable, so long as the option to shut down with updates is there. It isn't? Oh, Microsoft got tired of the charade where you'd tell it not to update and it would update anyway. So I tell it to shut down, it ignores me and updates. Bright and early Monday morning, I fire it up and... it has to process updates. DO NOT TURN OFF COMPUTER. It could have processed updates when it got them, but nooooo, it has to wait til work time. TURN OFF COMPUTER. GET A BETTER OPERATING SYSTEM.

• If you're sitting at your desk, and things just aren't right, and you find yourself going for that 2nd cup of coffee, take it from me: MOVE THE DECAF TO ANOTHER SHELF

Hackers tied to China and hackers tied to Russia's GRU have been in US systems for waaaaay too long. But here are ThermionicEmissions, we emphasize the positive. For instance, if you want to learn Russian, you save a file to the network named LEARN RUSSIAN and they'll get back to you post haste. You'll be learning Russian in no time. Chinese is a little more difficult. LEARN CHINESE will get you Mandarin, but China has more dialects than late shows have Trump jokes, so know this as you go in.

Pfizer and Moderna are getting ahead of the rush for a new trail aimed at boosting effectiveness of their vaccines against new Flying AIDS variants. This could wind up being a real bonanza for vaccine makers! We'd need a shot for each PANIC variant. At this point, you could be getting monthly shots. It would be your patriotic duty to line up for your shots, old people first.  The manufacturers assure us they will make nothing on the shots. Pfizer and Moderna are quick to assure you that, as the variant shots come out monthly, the variants will speed up too, so it will be a daily cycle. Reps for Pfizer and Moderna cannot be reached, because they're partying like it's 1999.

• Leading Irish racehorse trainer Gordon Elliott says a photo circulating on social media of him sitting on a dead horse is real. He apologizes.
• We should have one day a week dedicated to apologies. Monday sounds good. This way, everybody who said something the Cancel Offended Brigade takes exception to can get right up there an apologize.

(British) Farmer A and Farmer B are having a chat. They're talking about the weather, families and expected yields.

Farmer A: Weather looks bout normal.

Farmer B: Yep. Clouds.

A: Sometimes I wonder why everything grown doesn't just wash out to sea.

B: sheep?

A: they're not grown

B: Yes they are

A: they're not planted

B: true. But if the ground goes out, the sheep are likely to go with them

A: true. (H)ouses too.

B: and monkeys

A: we don't grow monkeys

B: but if we did, oh boy they'd be dragging on by

A: you can't plant a monkey

B: sure you can

A: have you ever tried it?

B: err... no.

A: well how do you know?

B: Farmer C said he'd tried it

A: and you'd be ok substituting his word for actual experience?

B: well..... yes.

A: do you have any idea what's involved in planting monkeys? The variance from the council alone would bankrupt you, no less the picketing from the animal rights groups. Then you have to feed them. You can't go to the store and get Monkey Chow.

B: curry

A: you don't feed monkeys curry. 

B: then what do you feed them?

A: well, bananas for one. This is a zero sum game, because you're either growing or buying bananas to feed the monkeys, what you planted a while ago.

B: you could plant a lot of bananas

A: you'd wind up with acres of bananas, most to feed the bleedin monkeys, which, as I said, can't be planted. An exercise in futility, it would be.

B: you know what's really an exercise in futility?

A: what?

B: crop circles

A: why

B: well, you wake up one morning and there's bleedin crop circles. I wouldn't plant them, no sir.

A: you don't plant crop circles.

B: listen, wisearse, if you don't plant them, then how they grow?

A: they don't grow... they kinda show up.

B: well then you might as well plant them.

A: you can't plant crop circles.

B: why not?

A: there are no crop circle seeds.

B: Farmer C has them.

A: have either of you done anything below ground level?

B: Yes. No. It's because of the bleedin crop circles.

A: what about them?

B: they take over your wheat

A: how so?

B: you plant fields of wheat, then in the morning, there's a bloody bleedin intricate crop circle. POOF - there goes your wheat. They just show up, they do, then they start lounging about, encouraging people. Because with the crop circles come the dowsers, the new age people, the press, and 20 people telling people that the crop circle they're standing in doesn't exist. There's less wheat than if everything ran off into the sea.

A: My last crop circle was on the news. I couldn't get a tractor up there for a solid week.

B: Maybe we should complain.

A: Oo you gonna complain to?

B: Ministry of Crop Circles?

A: nah, they closed up last year, along with the Ministry of Refrigerator Size, in the big NHS cutback.

B: what do they mean?

A: The Ministry of Crop Circles?

B: No, the crop circles.

A: some say they're a hoax. some say they're aliens, leaving us a message.

B: you know, it would be a lot more cost effective if they didn't leave it in our wheat.

A: Ay. And a lot more efficient if they just spelled it out in letters, rather than this vague circle nonsense. Better yet, they could just talk to Boris, or someone intelligent.

B: yeah, this Vague Routine is wearing thin.

A: It makes one quite discouraged, especially the farmers.

B: I've got an idea.

A: what?

B: we could plant monkeys.

Toyota is recalling some of its cars, due to their unfortunate habit of catching fire, sometimes while parked. If you remember, Tesla was having this problem recently. Rather than be public about this, I believe the car companies should keep this quiet. If not, pretty soon, all the car companies will feature exploding vehicles. Ford, Chevy, Nissan will all have to get their explosive chops up to speed. They will have to start hiring munitions and demolitions experts, which will do wonders for the economy, as there has been little work for them during the Flying AIDS pandemic. I'm happy to say Hyundai is on the ball.. the other day I got a recall notice because my car does not spontaneously combust. They want to do a retrofit, so we'll have that feature. And it's all free. This is the Korean-American spirit: if you can't beat 'em, make a bigger fire.

I hate to say something positive on this blog...  it kinda kills the atmosphere... but I calls em as I sees em...  We have had 2 major disruptions in payment systems recently: 1 with the major clearing bank for all transfers, and 1 with an outage for a payment processor. Both were serious. The processor outage affected Chik Filet, among others. Not flinching, Chik Filet served free food. If they were only open Sundays...

Chik Filet is where the employees come rushing out to meet Penny when Mrs. lefty is in the car line. I like their food. And now I'm hungry....

SJW SPUNK

School districts are canceling Dr Seuss for "racial undertones"

BURN THEM! BURN THEM! 

Analytics vendor Splunk has followed up on its 2020 decision to stop using the terms “master” and “slave” with a new guide to writing “unbiased documentation”.