Rabies and the Perfect Ring

 Your love is like  that new untreatable strain of gonorrhea

Yes, welcome to the (sloppily arranged, last minute) annual ThermionicEmissions Christmas issue (that started this year).

Apoplectic because nobody's listening to him, Dr Anthony Fauci had a screaming meltdown on national tv (have you ever seen a sign language translator translate a meltdown?), re-stating that no one should travel this holiday. Last year, 90 million people traveled. This year it's down to 88 million, but Fauci feels unheard and unheeded. As a result, all cars can have no more than one person in them, preferably the driver. Cars and trucks will be inspected coming into and leaving the states. If found to have more than 1 occupant, they will be removed from the vehicle, forced to pay a Fauci Tax, and held in Non-Compliant Flying AIDS Transportation camps, until their party returns. Responding to the accusation that these camps are nothing but forced labor, Fauci said "It's not hard labor - they're just helping build my summer homes. The children only do cleaning, no construction work."

In other holiday news, a public transportation bus in Philadelphia saved some cars by intercepting 5 bullets. Nobody was hurt. 

This is the time of year Philly Police dress as Santa and give children presents. Many thought the tradition was stopped last year after Santa and his protection detail was mowed down by automatic weapons fire while riding a bus. Philadelphia will be the first city, after Detroit, to dress their police Santas in Kevlar vests. Police Commissioner Outlaw (that's her name) commented "Ha, yeah, you can't keep those children from getting excited when Santa and automatic weapons are in season."

Delivery marches on, or rather, delivery stops dead and has no idea where it is.

The package that went out 2 weeks ago, from 1 state north, will arrive, I am assured by the US Postal Service. It will be late.  No, you're kidding me. 2weeks+ to go 1 state. That's literally a trip across the country and back (not that we have any idea where it is now).  We don't know where it is, but it will be late - the USPS.

The one halfway across the country, at 2 weeks out, is supposed to arrive yesterday. Supposed to. The USPS is late for being late.

I'm sorry - I'm a little bitchy today because something ate my xmas gifts and it's my time of the day. 

They tell me I have to learn patience. They've been telling me this for many many years, yet they still tell me this. Maybe they need to learn to stop telling me to learn patience.

Let's trace a package:

Dec 8 - label printed

Dec 9 - USPS got its grubby little hands on it

Dec 10-22  - it's in the system

New York to PA

Dec 8 - USPS is touching the box

Dec 9 - at USPS facility in Batman, NY.

Dec 10 - leaving Batman, NY

Dec 11 - at Plant City, FL facility

Dec 12 - somewhere. It will be late, but it's definitely somewhere.

Dec 13-20 - Maui, Hawaii facility. Wouldn't you stay for a while too? Maui Wowie, man!

Dec 21 - Portland, Oregon, telling BLM that antifa dissed their mother

Dec 22 - Intercourse, PA facility. Finally in the right state.

Dec 23 - Wright Patterson Air Force Base, OH. Partying with aliens.

Dec 24 - Blue Ball, PA facility.

Dec 25 - It's Christmas, man. Do you expect us to work on Christmas? Or other days ending in -day?

Dec 26 - Batman, NY. Returned to sender because postman got TO and FROM mixed up.

Dec 27 - Picked up. Again. Note to recipient: it will be late, but at least we know where it is this time.

Dec 28 - South Dakota facility, because if you ever complain about your weather again...

Dec 29 - St Raul, Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes; each one of which package has been dropped in.

Dec 30 - deliver to 1234 Main St, PA. Postman can't find 1234 because he's on the wrong side of the street, return to sender.

Sign in Post Office:

December delivery schedule

Guaranteed Next Day Delivery: 2-4 days

Guaranteed 2 day delivery: 4-8 days

First Class: 2-30 days

Regular: good luck

Tracking: $25, will not be tracked

Guaranteed Lost: $50, may not be lost

Hey... I smell the beginnings of a brand new conspiracy theory.

The USPS is wrong nearly 100% of the time. Who else is wrong nearly 100% of the time? Weather forecasters. Coincidence? I think not.

Today I identify as  Jewish. HEY - WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY THING....??

Idiot Mayor hath decreed the restrictions will continue until late January.

Thou shalt not dine indoors, whether in a restaurant or your home, excepting that the number of diners in your home does not exceedeth 3. If thou shalt eat outdoors, the number of diners shall not exceed 4 from the same household. Thou shalt not dine outdoors without a permit or within 20' of a waiter.

Thou shalt not celebrate holidays, including in-person or on Skype, lesteth the Guardians of the State breaketh down thy door, and haul thee to the Flying AIDS Detention Center. Unless thou art an illegal alien, in which case thou shalt doeth whatever thou wanteth.

Thou shalt not purchase hoagies, steak sandwiches, dirty soft pretzels, or any other handmade food, lest the Department of SWAT visit and confiscate whatever looketh good, seeing they have not had lunch today.

HEY, HOW'S YER MOM?

For those of you playing along at home, my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The primary doc said only test the old, frail lady if she shows symptoms. But... a pharmacy is offering testing! Make an appointment and go! Yay! I am already more effective than her primary doctor! Many first graders are already more effective than her primary doctor.

Show up at pharmacy, making sure to have Mom along, Shotmaster asks regular or rapid test.

STOP. HALT. CEASE. Deploy Confused Face.

If you want rapid test, you have to cancel today and reschedule for later or tomorrow.

That's nice. Gee, it sure woulda been swell if I knew this.

Go online to reschedule: not a single appointment available for the next few days at any location.

Merry Xmas.

Hey - let's check the city website. They have sites! They require registration! They don't tell you how to register! Then you need an account, but they don't do antibody testing. WTF is antibody testing? Is it rapid or slow? Does she need to lay off the whiskey for 24 hours before the test? The next page has all sorts of local services, such as condoms and pregnant woman mosquito advice. I'm thinking if you used condoms, you wouldn't be needing the mosquito advice (unless mosquitos can bite through condoms - this is just more shit we're expected to know). 

So it's 9am and there is a 2 mile line of old ladies and hypochondriacs (and old lady hypochondriacs). They're signing up, talking about their kids, and complaining that it's taking so long and why aren't they serving sandwiches. It's a self-service test, so now the line is 4 miles (8 miles with social distancing). Most of the old ladies are wearing masks that don't cover their noses, so if you don't have the Flying AIDS when you get there, you'll have it by the time you get home. 

This just goes to show that masks and testing are irrelevant.

 Let's Visit the North Pole

Santa Claus and his old lady - Cheech and Chong

So it's 2020, the Flying AIDS has hit the North Pole, and the elves are getting a little itchy. A particularly ugly elf from Portland Antifa came to visit. After a week, the rest of the elves were talking about unionizing, then tried to burn down the workshop, before issuing their demands

• Santa declared the oppressor, his assets go to the elves
• if they see 1 more candy cane, the building goes up
• the Fat Guy has to pay overtime even when they don't work
• Mrs Claus can no longer visit the production floor: that woman is like Yoko
• more elves of color
• special dorms for LGBTQ* elves
• gambling counselors for the reindeer
• Mrs Claus must confine her pole dancing to the bedroom
• Black Lives Matter wrapping paper on all gifts
• no more Mariah Carey specials from the Pole
• a non-gendered Santa

Meanwhile, Santa got some new electronic devices to watch you so he knows if you've been good or bad. It's hush-hush stuff from the NSA and uses a lot of AI. More cannot be said due to Non-Disclosure Agreements. The sleigh got some new guts, courtesy of the aliens, and runs on batteries from Elon Musk. Santa said all in all, the aliens were ok, but Elon Musk scared him. 

Rudolph was replaced with an off-the-shelf GPS and has spent the last year in therapy, after the 'guiding the commercial airliners to Somalia' incident. Although the drug companies can produce a Flying AIDS vaccine in 10 months, they can't get reindeer antidepressant right after 10 years.

The North Pole City Council smoked a lot of dope and hasn't been dealing with the occupation situation well. There might be a slight delay in Christmas this year, kids. Look on the bright side - they're not using the US Postal Service to deliver the presents.

• Overheard at (illegal) family gathering: Why do I have a planter attached to me?

Let's smile a bit. Please.

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore - a bit of a chat, the Frog and Peach

Groucho Marx - I'm against it

Monty Python - Biggus Dickus, French taunting

some Airplane

In closing, I give you the words of Bob Dylan: Once upon a time you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't yewwww? 

No, I never understood Bob Dylan either - I'm just a dumb guitar player.

Captivity -- Day 85 My Boobies Lie Over the Ocean

The humidity went into hiding today.
Nobody missed it.



In November 1963, a popular young president drove into an ambush.
Various unstolen video and pictures show the crowd running toward the grassy knoll after the shooter.

Can you imagine, heaven forbid, if that happened today?
The crowd wouldn't move because the shooting came from the crowd. Antifa would be high fiving each other, half the crowd would cheer, and the limo couldn't get to the hospital because BLM was peacefully laying in the street (reloading). All video from every angle would be on YouTube before the FBI could confiscate a single phone. The newspapers would say the fatal shot came from a killer satellite over Australia, which bounced off Russia first. In spite of YouTube's policy of not glorifying violence, they left the footage up because it was 'uplifting.'



Today's best had to be the little kid asking his mom why that lady's pocketbook said FUCK on it. Because he was looking at Mrs lefty's FUCK keychain. Mrs lefty apologized, the mom would have no apologizing, and they laughed. If the kids ever go back to school, I give him 2 days before suspension.

Speaking of which, the police appeared at the home of an 11 year old boy, in a  virtual classroom. A teacher spotted the child's bb rifle on the wall and called the police. The police asked for Mom's permission to SEARCH the house, then they turned up the bb rifle. Of course there were no charges, because there was nothing illegal. They should have charged the teacher for causing a panic. The child was terrorized.



They let me out today.
After checking with the doctors, Mrs lefty was told ok, but not for too long, and to get me home immediately if I started to look stressed. How could anybody be stressed while picking up a pizza from our favorite place?

Even though it was never a problem before, all of the sudden they required masks.
Uh oh.
Mrs lefty took one look at me and suggested we go home. NOW.
She says I tend to look more homicidal than normal when we go out.

Trying out a few new things the doctors taught me, I figured I'd get into the restaurant. With a mask.

By way of explanation, even though I'm perfectly correct, I don't have to wear a mask in the house, except when Mrs lefty's feeling kinky. So I don't feel like wearing one when occasionally permitted outside.

NO. NO. No. N. No mask.
I don't NEED a mask.
I didn't have to wear one 2 weeks ago - why now?
They're foul. They're wrong. They make my nose sweat. And they stink.

So I got a gold star from Mom, who loved the pizza. Mrs lefty said I was allowed to remain alive (at least til the evening).

The small strip mall with Lowes has NO parking left. Hundreds and hundreds of spots, all full. A large store - all empty. I'm starting to shake, moreso. Breathing deeply, I agree to go to Bob's, where they always have the stuff we're looking for.

Except this time, when Bob's is completely sold out of everything we need. Never mind, we run into someone we haven't seen in years. In the next aisle, we run into someone we haven't seen in months. I wanted to leave before we ran into Mom, who we saw a few hours earlier. All of them came from Lowes, where they couldn't park.



I did my weekly check on visiting my favorite places. Both restaurants still don't deliver to tables, although one does in 3 stores in PA, all on the other side of the state. Idiot Governor thinks the Flying AIDS leaves the state from west to east.

I'm so desperate, I want to visit Guitar Center.
I pulled up their site, where half the screen announced BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Ok, good to see another corporation spouting the required rhetoric.
Currently there is only curb service. I have absolutely no idea how you try out a guitar at the curb, but who am I to question the wisdom.
Their plan for opening was that they would keep everything clean. They won't TUNE the guitars, but they'll clean them.

The customers and staff will wear masks (a grave improvement in looks) and the staff would help the customers at an appropriate distance. YES SIR - THAT'S A STRATOCASTER. IT'S A DAMN FINE GUITAR. WHAT? YES, I HAVE 2 AT HOME. CRANK IT UP! WHAT? I CAN'T TURN THE AMP ON BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO IT.

Perhaps I'll wait.

The end of the day was picking up the medicine the doctors gave me.
We got to the pharmacy on time. But they require masks too.
Life is cruel.

Blog? You Call This Thing A Blog?

Best Headline:

1 person sent to hospital after drinking internet personality's bath water.

No really... there's at least one young female making a bundle selling her (used) bath water. Is this one of those apocalypse horsies I always hear about?


Speaking of selling your bath water, the latest trend is going to a store and licking something from a package, like ice cream, then putting it back. Of course you video yourself and post it on the net.

Remember Ariana Grande? She went into a donut shop, picked up a donut and licked it, then put it back, stating that she hated white people. For once, she was ahead of the curve.

One person caught doing this faces up to 20 years in prison. I wonder if the trial will be livestreamed on Faceyspaces and become a trend....

The police apprehended one of these people and arrested him for tampering. The fellow showed them store video of him purchasing the item after the stunt, but he got arrested anyway.


UPDATE: The girl selling bathwater (or one of her friends) is also selling urine, as Gamer Girl Pee.

I don't do sociology, but I want to know that sociologists are saying about this.




Dear lefty:

• Why is my display so dirty?
• Too much one-handed typing.

NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was hacked for nearly a year without being detected. It was discovered in April 2018 and NASA temporarily disconnected several space flight related systems from the JPL network.  

In other news, the Mars Rover, NASA's coffee machines, and several lunar simulators belonging to JPL have all stopped working....


Do you have a MAC and use the videoconferencing service ZOOM?
Don't.
A security researcher discovered a flaw that allows to turn on your webcam without your knowledge or consent. The second flaw is that it installs a web server on your computer which stays there, even if you delete the software. This means things can be downloaded to your computer without your knowledge or permission. The company patched the first item but chose to leave the server, for 'user experience'.  

Don't use Zoom


Researchers discovered over 1,300 android apps collected data when you denied permission.


The US Coast Guard issued a safety alert following a cyber attack:

1. Do not use your computers under water
2. Use protection, personally and on your computer (they didn't).
3. There is a 90% probability your bunkmate does not want to play Hide the Salami.

• Microsoft partners told they're no longer getting free software to run their businesses.
• Partners should look into a free OS that is free of licensing and free of MS. We might know of one.....

Things We Can Do Without

1. Wasabi ice cream
2. the Duck Decoy Museum
3. bagpipes

UK News

In an interview, Boris Johnson said he couldn't wait to get his message out. The interviewer suggested perhaps showing up at debates might help. Boris terminated the interview, but allowed that he might send his lawnmower to the debates next time.

The British Labour Party continues to deal with antisemitism allegations. A party member resigned because he couldn't deal with the level of antisemitism. Labour said they regret his resignation and wish the goddamn Christ-Killing Jew the best.

In yet another move for world diplomacy, President Trump referred to the UK ambassador as 'wacky,' and a 'very stupid guy', after the ambassador referred to him as 'the kind of person who is tall and has good teeth', in a leaked paper.

Not satisfied, Trump then scolded Teresa May for not taking his advice on Brexit, then failing totally. Comments were immediate, saying that Brexit was none of Trump's business. The comments came during the protest against Trump's border policies.



UPDATE: the British Ambassador resigned.

Although my diplomacy skills are rough (largely nonexistent), I'm wondering about this affair. The way I see it, if the Prime Minister asked for a report, advice, or observation, the fellow was in the right in giving it. The leaker was a cheeky little bugger who needs a lesson. Was the ambassador correct in making the assessment? If so, leave him alone. If he was wrong, he should resign. So far, this is only a show (politics as usual). The issue here seems to be that he got caught. Will the ability to avoid this be the single criterion for his replacement?

Would the US do the same thing?

Please correct me if I'm off here or this is not how diplomacy works.

Note: I'm just asking about the process. I am not commenting on the note, the accuracy of the note, or Trump.

• RIP Rip:  Elmore Raul Torn, Jr, aka Rip Torn (88).
• Charles Elmer Taylor, aka Rip Taylor, is still throwing confetti.

Mrs lefty came home from shopping (never a good omen) and showed me her bounty. She tells me she saved me $100 on these shoes. Suspending disbelief, I asked her how. Well, these shoes were on sale, as were these... $100 off the bill!

That's nice, Dear. By the way, I just saved you $1,000.
HUH?
Well the left handed guitar shop has a Custom Shop 1958 Strat. If I ordered it new, it would be $4,000. Since it's used, it's only $3,000. I saved you $1,000!

Turns out savings doesn't work both ways.

• I love recruiters. Just received info on a job 5 hours away. I politely declined, stating the 10 hour commute would be too much.
• What is wrong with these people?

SJW Stuff

Salon magazine: exposed: The Declaration of Independence is sexist, racist, and prejudiced.


Bette Midler tweeted that it's 115 degrees in France and Trump is only interested in putting tanks on the mall for a salute to himself. 36k likes. I'm a fan of hers.

Twitter: where you find your favorite stars' personal opinions lack any sort of discernible logic.

Perhaps she wants the president to load up an aircraft carrier with window air conditioners for the people of France. Or send emergency ice. Will she carry air conditioners and do a USO show for the troops? She can sing her hit, "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Who Voted for Hillary."



Remember Antifa - the anti fascists?
Remember they committed acts of violence against people who didn't agree with them in Portland? With masks on?
Remember how they and their friends honestly believe they can assault people because they deserve it (for showing up and disagreeing nonviolently)?
Remember how the police did nothing, under orders of the mayor?

One day, Antifa is going to protest in the wrong neighborhood, say somewhere in Texas. There will be some dirty diapers that day. Open carry is a religion in Texas.

I really don't want to see this. No one should get assaulted, milkshaked, or shot at a public protest. No matter how much you want to see someone get some instant karma. As they say online, Shit's Getting Real.

How do you convince a misguided group of people that it is not a human right to hit people with crowbars if you think they're Nazis? They're going to get way more than they anticipate.

It's almost like Divide and Conquer.

Oh.

Vegan Shampoo: Gluten Free, Meat Free

In my latest Florida IT Disaster rant, an unnamed IT person was fired for clicking on a phishing link, 'forcing' that city to pay ransom.

You will notice that no action was taken against the designers and maintainers of the network that wasn't patched and didn't have backups. This is a tactic worthy of a political debate.

As for the IT person, they should be required to take a remedial phishing safety class, then teach safety/employee education classes at work. In lieu of being a sacrificial lamb.



I've mentioned this, but Ancient TV escapes me. A local-ish station pops up out of nowhere, playing absolutely ancient shows. I believe the shows are royalty free, so there is little cost to run the station. So now everyone can be treated to the absolute BEST shows of the 70s. And when I say absolute best, I mean shows that weren't all that good in the 70s.  Then there are the networks with 50s shows. You can now watch ridiculously formulaic, black and white shows that your parents and grandparents watched. You know, wholesome comedy.  The absolute worst is Buzzer, the game show network. One would think that a network featuring various game shows would be entertaining. However, they play the original shows. You are now watching Match Game 73, meaning the show aired in 1973. Everybody on the show, including the contestants, is dead (except Betty White, of course). There is one fun part, though: the prizes. The cars you could win are hysterical to see. The furnishings are even funnier. And you could get the absolute latest in audio - an all-in-one stereo system, featuring a turntable and an 8 track player!

I couldn't figure out why I sit next to Mrs lefty and watched some of this nonsense. It's because I like to see manly cars. Huge cars. 8 cylinder cars. With trunks you could fit a family in. Where you can have separate arguments in the front and back seats, without disturbing the other. Cars where you could ride around the block and watch the gas gauge go down. With bench seats - favorite seat of spaniels and all other dogs. They hate having to climb over the hump, with nowhere to sit in these stupid bucket seats. When tires were large and the wheel wasn't. When you could run over smaller cars and not notice it.

Sigh.
The good old days.
Can't buy a real car anymore.

On the bright side, our Hyundai is magnificent; with a mileage figure that old cars didn't match, ok fuel consumption, and absolutely no tuneups or getting dirty. The most maintenance required was putting in washer fluid and taking it in for regular oil changes. Highly recommended.



Dear lefty

• Please answer - I haven't gotten any personal abuse lately and I miss it.
• Answer what, you twat?

RyanAir has performed a little Marketing Magic. The 737 Max has been grounded for its propensity to fall out of the sky. In their marketing wisdom, Ryan has repainted the 737 Max logo to read 737-8200. Yes, this is another name for the plane, but....

In unrelated news, the Twin Towers have been renamed 737 Max.

Smoking and Drinking

Boris Johnson, (R-UK), came out against sin taxes, like taxes added to unhealthy foods. As the mayor did in Philly on 'unhealthy beverages.'  Boris (R-Missing), says obesity is the NHS' worst problem, costing a ton of money. He said that taxes are not the way to go, preferring a science-based solution.

A pleasant surprise is politician and newscaster referral to the Nanny State.
Hey - that's MY phrase!   This would never happen in the US, as government creep gets larger and larger, and we never met a single thing we didn't want to legislate; screw the Constitution.  For a ridiculous example, see tobacco in the US. There is an obscene amount of taxes levied on tobacco. Most don't complain because they don't smoke. Even when the "Don't Smoke - You're Going to DIE' warning appeared on ciggies, it did nothing. Obviously taxing doesn't work, nor does dictating. Taxes were found to affect the low income segment disproportionally, especially on sugary beverages.


Speaking of Blighty, this is apparently a big time for the national pastime of cricket. Although we have some idea of football/soccer, we're flummoxed on cricket. Any who wouldn't be? Reports are that 57% of Brits don't understand it either.

There is a batsman that bowls the ball, which looks like it would cause an amazing amount of damage, should it come in contact with your person. It is referred to as bowling because the ball is made of the same thing bowling pins are made of, only there's no machine that returns them. No, the sport is so old that it relies on actual humans to move the ball. There is no sign of 3 finger holes on the ball, although rumor has it there are in the ladies' cricket league.

The field looks a lot like baseball, only with higher salaries and greater television ratings. This is carefully balanced by having to pay a tv license (they can't spell either) to actually watch stuff on tv. In spite of paying for tv, they also have an obscene amount of commercials. Embarrassed, the viewers claim American tv has more, but this is just projection, meant to make them feel ok with paying so much to watch men run around and get hit in the family jewels by balls with the tensile strength of SCUD missiles.

If the batter/bowler/truss-wearer manages to hit the ball, something definitely happens. This varies with the day of the week. Regardless, the sports reporters develop brain aneurysms commenting on hits, like hockey commentators in the US. Color commentary is slightly different too.

"Up now is Billy Hetherington-Smyth-Smith. Billy was conservative party ball washer, in addition to personally wetting his uniform in last year's finals."

"This score was quite the effort. It reminded me of two games ago, when they also scored."

"The team are playing wonderfully this season, allowing them to all work together on one player scoring."

In reality, nobody really knows how the game works, least of all the players. These athletes (ATH-uh-leets in the US) are not among society's best and brightest, referring to their jobs as somehow hitting the bowling ball and closely monitoring their bank accounts for copious rises in the balance. Some find this exercise too much and hire people to look at their bank accounts for them. Some make so much money they hire people to play for them, citing the risk of damage, should they have to run or something.

The bat is like a baseball bat, but flat, and more likely to cause damage on the other team's faces. The American practice of using aluminum bats has not caught on, even though it would cause more damage to faces (and groins). One reason for this is that the British pronounce it 'al you MIN e um', and the extra syllable costs more to air, due to the complex tax system, which reaches 90% of income.

Finally, the winner, although nobody knows how that is decided, takes the ashes. Nobody has ever questioned where the ashes came from, and why smoking is encouraged in this sport. Teams are considering changing ashes to rocks, as the sin tax on ashes is getting out of hand. Of course if they use rocks, they will also develop sin taxes.

Small wonder America gets a bad reputation for not understanding or following the sport... even the Brits don't understand it. This doesn't stop them from turning out in the hundreds of thousands to watch. Since the cricket watchers are of a higher socio-economic class, the sport lacks the excitement of soccer hooligan riots, the second most popular sport in the world; except America, where there are courts and jails in the stadiums.

Commenting on the upcoming acid test, Captain Ken Kesey said he was practicing all day, every day.

Lastly, no one has any idea why the founding batters chose to call it cricket. The name is slated to change, as the Society for the Protection of Insects, Brown Division, strongly objects to cruelty to crickets. Even if there are no crickets whatsoever in the game.

The preceding paragraphs are 100% fact free.

• 7-11 came up with an app!
• The next day, half a million dollars were stolen from customers because there was no security with password reset (anyone could change anyone else's password).

Are you tired of Security Theater? Being groped by the TSA in airports? Going through the body scanner? Wear sequins. They drive the body scanners crazy, so you'll go through the metal detector instead. And probably upset TSA agents.

• The family of a woman killed in the Las Vegas shooting is filing a lawsuit against gun makers.  Because them damn guns leaped into the air and shot her.
• There will obviously be lawsuits against alcohol manufacturers, car manufacturers, lake and ocean manufacturers, and anyone else who needs to be sued due to lack of personal responsibility.

After a recent typhoid fever scare, the LAPD recently announced the deployment of a germ-killing robot at Central Division on Skid Row.

The robot emits 5 minute pulses of UV light that the manufacturer says kills 80% to 90% of germs in the air & on open surfaces. I keep waiting for the punchline. If you tried this, you'd be jailed for practicing medicine without a license. This won't survive a lawsuit, good intentions aside. 

This is also a template for what's to come, should there be serious health issues.

• Coca-Cola says you can party like it's 1985 again, because they're re-releasing New Coke!
• This is what we call not learning from your unbelievably huge mistakes. New Coke was a major flop and was quickly discontinued. Probably because it tasted like Pepsi.
• In totally unrelated news, the Gremlin, the Ford Pinto, and the Nova are being re-released. Now you can get your Ugly, Exploding, Doesn't Go on.
• Other throwbacks planning a reissue include polyester pantsuits, bowties, Radio Shack computers, and gonorrhea.

SJW Antics

A SUNY professor penned an article titled 'Seeing poor white people makes me happy'.   If you want more entertainment, click the link. Even other racists will hate this guy.


Liberal Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz has noted that Ocasio-Cortez's comments make her a "Holocaust denier," which is a form of anti-Semitism.

Tonight's epic battle: the R Card vs the J Card.
Who will win this momentous social justice battle? Stay tuned!

Any group with more than one person in it will eventually eat itself.


Activists demand tampon dispensers in male bathrooms for "menstrual equality"
As with most things, Monty Python was years ahead of its time.

"Classical music is inherently racist." - an article in NewMusicBox.

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.




ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.


I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.



Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

• Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
• Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
• Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
• Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
• It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:

• Congress just put together a budget.
• it is a bipartisan effort

The news you were expecting:

• It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
• It will last two years
• It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
• It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
• Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.

The commentary:

• One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
• Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
• The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
• The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
• The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

• So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

• Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
• In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
• Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

• You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
• It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

• Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

• Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
• California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

• Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
• There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

• Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Uh-oh.

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.

Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

• Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
• The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.

Behaving is Overrated

Admittedly, I like watching car chases and COPS. Since police chases are the state sport of California, I get to watch them a lot. Yesterday I caught a stolen SUV, running through three districts of police, driving in a really strange manner, and winding up in San Pedro. The police called off the chase, as they do a lot lately, but there were helicopters in the air, including the one showing us the video (fox10phoenix.com always has video on very current events).

The guy pulls into a shipyard and starts driving from one end to the other, repeatedly. Someone driving like this is obviously not calm or well. The guy gets out of the SUV, letting it drive off by itself, finds some steps, and starts climbing. The police had arrived, but were not chasing the guy.

He climbs. And climbs. And climbs.

This facility has a massive set of really long cranes, for unloading ships that can't come closer. This fellow climbs all the way to the top of the crane, walks around the accessways, which have handrails. Then he leaves the handrails and walks out on the beam, about 100' above the water. Absolutely no fear. He continues to walk around, look down, shoo the choppers, and have conversations with people we can't see. He finally sits down and removes his socks. We're trying to figure out whether he's drunk or just not well upstairs. The different angles from the chopper were absolutely frightening and making me queasy. I didn't want the poor guy to fall (or jump). The police continued to leave him alone, which was probably the right idea.

The chopper had to go back for gas, so people from as far away as Chile were not able to watch further. I searched the following morning and unfortunately the fellow took all of his clothes off and jumped or fell to his death. No word on whether it was to the water or the street.

Why am I typing this?  I have absolutely no idea.

Meanwhile, I just saw that a van driver (terrorist) crashed into people on a sidewalk in Barcelona, killing thirteen and injuring many. There are gunmen on the loose.  That's why I'm typing this.... with the internet, we can see things in real time. There should be a Nobel Peace Prize for the net. It's much harder to pull one over on the masses when they can watch it as it happens.

• I was thinking of writing a book full of motivational advice - what do you think?
• Seek answers in the couch, Grasshopper
• Always deliver quality work: leave it for someone better
• If you shoot them, they'll never do it again
• When there is no room for failure, don't start

Some comic recently observed that a glory hole was not patriotic.

I think it depends on which side you're on... one makes you salute and the other just sucks.

• England's Jeremy Corbyn, having observed recent terrorist acts, has said that laws are needed to stop van attacks. Yes, somebody inform ISIS that driving vans into people on sidewalks is illegal - that'll do it. His Upper Class Twit of the Year trophy is on the way.

Maxine Waters just accused Ben Carson of being a White Nationalist. Please don't upset Maxine by reminding her Ben's black - it will ruin her day.

• My wife stood there, excitement on her face, and said, "Hey - who vacuumed the floor?" I thought about this carefully, looked around, thought about it some more, then pointed to the dog. 
• Did she think, perhaps, that someone broke in the house and vacuumed it for us?
• If we suspend disbelief for a moment, the vacuum is the Enemy of All Dogs Everywhere, so even if he could stand up and run it, he'd have to bark at it simultaneously, which would make a hell of a racket.
• It is relatively safe to say that nothing else in the house has evolved to the point that it can run the evil machine, no less want to. Including the dust.

How many years have humans had to evolve? We have finally arrived.

• When was the last time your cat chased a rodent?

After watching the antics of the antifa goons and the KKK, I find it sad that after one hundred years, we've gone from white dunce caps to black dunce caps.

• Firefox has updated itself to the latest version - the one they warned you about. Now almost none of your extensions will work. Extension People are allegedly updating their extensions. Since they do it in their own free time, it's bad form to complain. It is interesting to note, however, that only two of mine have been updated - with a large amount not updated.

Through no fault of my own, I came across a tv show that was telling the story of this overweight woman who opened her mailbox to find a note from a neighbor saying 300lb women shouldn't wear yoga pants.

Let's get the obvious over with: this is incredibly rude and inexcusable. Whoever did this wouldn't dare say this in person.

Now for the other obvious: they're right.

The victim of this horrible incident went on to talk about how she's always been large, because of a glandular issue. I feel for you, lady, I really do. But whatever caused your weight is no excuse for you to wear yoga pants. I don't wear tight clothes because it's damn unsightly, and I don't weigh 300lbs.

• Over 500 android apps have been found containing crapware that can download other programs. The issue is a plugin used by programmers, who did not know about the issue. The main target was Chinese teens, who downloaded rather a lot of these programs. Google rushed in and studied the issue, for three months, before removing the programs from the Play Store. Which programs were affected? Google hasn't chosen to share them with us. We don't have a need to know.
• How to avoid this? Very carefully.
• When you're searching for an app, read the reviews very carefully. Look for a lot of foreign reviews or really horrible English. Check how many downloads it has. Look for similar apps that feel less creepy, perhaps from a more reputable developer. See what else the developer developed.
• Whenever you install a program, pay close attention to the permissions it requests. A file manager doesn't need to make calls or send messages.
• Download Malwarebytes from the store and scan daily or on-access.
• ask

England has gone nuts (officially). The Crown Prosecution Service has just criminalized 'hate speech'. Call someone a bad word? That's a sentencing. Don't like homosexuals? That's a sentencing. Transexuals aren't real women? That's a sentencing. You're stupid? That's a sentencing. Priests don't approve of homosexuality? That's a sentencing.

The Director of Public Prosecutions said the guidelines are part of a broader conversation we need to have about tackling "extreme views" and finding ways to "prevent such opinions from gestating in the first place."

By policing speech, they're policing thought. Think about it - it is a crime in England to say something bad about someone else. The US takes its freedom of speech very seriously (except antifa). We would do well to guard against this type of government interference. In the meantime, I urge our brothers and sisters in England to do whatever is necessary, within the law, to have this repealed.

PC Police Off the Rails. And Cancer.

As we know, England has gone a bit silly with their anti 'hate' laws, making it illegal to say bad things to someone else. One enterprising policeman put two stores on notice that their Feminine Care signs are sexist and must be changed, perhaps to something like 'personal hygiene' or 'personal care'. You know - because men can use tampons. Not to be stopped in his relentless mission of stamping out sexism, he insisted other stores change their restroom signs featuring a woman with a baby, because the men's signs didn't have a baby.

The twitter backlash started immediately, with the officer being slammed for wasting tax money.  Although the story is old, it resurfaced. Usually questionable laws come from Australia, but this one from England is Orwellian. Police are being paid to police speech. It's astounding. One wonders if all other crime has been eradicated so the police can bring the full force to bear on the scourge of people saying bad things.

The policeman in question deleted his Twitter account.

• Condolences to the family and friends of the young lady who lost her life in Charlottesville, when someone drove into a crowd, also injuring many others. The online commentary has very quickly gone nasty and divided itself neatly into predictable camps. Thoughts:
• We (the US) have a First Amendment that allows free speech, no matter how repugnant. The KKK has every right to assemble, regardless of how we feel about them.. to curtail their right is to curtail everyone else's.
• The counter protesters have every right to protest also. It should be noted that when there are counter protests lately, violence tends to follow.
• Free speech does not cover punching or other violent acts, no matter how much any group feels it's ok. Hate speech is a misnomer, used only to shut down opposing views. Speech is speech in the US.
• It is very interesting to note commentary from other countries which do not have our freedoms. They don't understand free speech and think the KKK should not be allowed to march. Period.
• The KKK is a small bunch of agitators, who count on news and counter protests. If people stopped showing up, they would more than likely stop marching.
• At very least, the counter protesters showed up armed for violence.
• The police were given orders to stand down, allowing the violence to occur and escalate. Find out who gave this order and you have a path to find answers.
• It is not difficult to predict that this is only the beginning.
• Ironically, the group calling the KKK nazis wants to shut down speech they don't like.
• Someone spraypainted Fuck Laws, in red paint, on a column at the Lincoln Memorial.
• The above thoughts notwithstanding, arguing over this is a perfect example of Divide and Conquer. If we fight among ourselves, we won't be paying attention to other things.
• Where is this coming from? For one, George Soros, who pours untold millions into creating social unrest.

There is actually a 'sport' called Footgolf. It's advertised as being more exciting than golf. To be absolutely factual, watching grass grow is more exciting than golf, plus you don't have to whisper.

• Speaking of Charlottesville, Anonymous hacked a website called The Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi site, which had published an offensive story about Heather Heyer, the lady who was killed by the person who drove his car into the crowd. After the hack, Godaddy, the provider of the page, gave the Nazis twenty four hours to move to a new provider.
• Anonymous says they have the location of the page's owner, Andrew Anglin, and promised to send allies to visit him in Lagos.
• We all love to see the neo-Nazis and Bad Guys get it, right? Does this mean Anonymous is good?
• I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to see the Bad Guys operate in the daylight, so it is easier to see what they are up to.
• GoDaddy states the page violated its terms of service. They were responding to complaints. The complainer, a blogger with an agenda, was outed, resulting in her phone number and address going online and being bombarded by trolls.
• The Daily Stormer registered with Google, which terminated the registration due to violation of terms of service. Someone's not reading terms of service.  I don't remember terms of service, but I do remember Google was pretty solidly behind freedom of speech. You're reading this on a Google site. Perhaps they have a term of service prohibiting neo-Nazis - I don't know.

There is a report of an Internet of Things thermostat playing music. How? It has an Amazon Echo built into it. The situation was remedied by the owner.

In related news, 500 folks who felt it was necessary to get 'smart' door locks found themselves in Deep Doo-Doo when the company shipped a software update that rendered the lock electronically inoperable. Owners had to use their keys, if they had them. The responsible party has offered two fixes, which take between five and eighteen days. Are you ready for the Internet of Things? This is a slow motion train wreck of impossibly large proportions.

• The government has demanded data on visitors to an Anti-Trump site, probably due to an investigation. Regardless of where you sit on the political spectrum, this sort of thing is bad. 
• On the other hand, perhaps the site should have been located on a server that did not keep this information.
• Some of the Antifa people are radicalizing. There were weapons and shields in Charlottesville. Does this justify an investigation?  Does this behavior violate anyone's terms of service?

So the aliens were giving a tour of Earth...

"This is Roswell, where we played a little trick on the Army Air Force in 1947."

"They call this the Bible Belt. Just ignore it."

"Dogs? They're ours.  Cats? The reptilians rounded them up and dropped them here."

• Ok, I'm dying here... in Atlanta, angry people (antifa) protesting violence defaced a peace monument. Then they all ganged up on a single policeman, shouting PIG! 
• Wait, it gets better... Black Lives Matter put themselves between the policeman and the antifa protesters.
• I'll admit it - I refer to BLM as a terror group. Kudos to them for this selfless act.
• Tomorrow morning, be sure to look for grass, which is now in the up direction, while the sky will be below.

Thus ends the game of Naked Monopoly.

• Given the opportunity, Americans would deep fry furniture

Marshall Update: The biopsy came back positive for malignant melanoma. Sort of. They're 'pretty sure'. There is, of course, another test, but we were told to assume positive. The good news is that they cut out all of it. The bad news is that it still has to be treated, just in case.

So Marshall will now get to see the Doggie Oncologist.

We love him unconditionally, but he's going to need his own GoFundMe page if this continues.

• It's time for my Yearly Tire Rant. Attempting to keep the car legal and maintained, it went to the mechanic. Bulb replaced, oil changed, and by the way, it will need four new tires. The car is obviously conspiring with the dog.
• For reasons I absolutely cannot fathom, my Hyundai requires performance tires. Performance tires. It's not like, at any moment, the engine will leap out of the car because the tires aren't performing. We don't race, we don't bumper car (anymore), and we are never in a situation where the car has to perform anything but starting and running.
• This is the first car I've ever had that has huge wheels and tiny tires. There are no other tires for this car. I'm thinking the car would ride much better with real tires on it but what do I know, aside from the fact that every car I've ever owned had them.
• To make things even more amusing, the tires are in the neighborhood of $250 each. I realize my cars were older, but that's almost what I paid for all four of them.

You're No Fun Anymore

The US Navy and Marines are cracking down on nude photo sharing. Yes, this can no longer go on without permission of the person photographed nude. Apparently this regulation makes it more illegal to post nudes, as it was already illegal under "conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman." Kinda like hate speech.

Which brings me to my next thought: do the armed forces only hire gentlemen? What about ladies? Do we want an armed forces that only hires gentlemen - or would it be like Britain, where they apologize for bombing countries? "Oh, terribly sorry... our planes seemed to have dropped bombs on your factories."

No, I don't want gentlemen - I want rude, crude, lewd, and bright fighters.

• When the lovely folks from AntiFa peacefully attacked Trump supporters with violence and bike locks, the Reddit Detective Squad went into action to identify the culprits.  What did they turn up?  Diablo Valley College and SFSU professor Eric Clanton.  From the site: His work in political philosophy also centers on mass incarceration and the prison system. Yes, a college professor assaulted 'the enemy' with heavy metal. I don't remember these classes in college....
• Rioting 101: how to dress. Will this face mask make me look fat? What is the correct shade of black for my skin? Dreads: are they right for me?
• Rioting 201: weapons. Bicycle locks, Hyundais, and small anvils. Demonstration by the Acme Weapons Company.
• Rioting 302: when caught, how to blame Trump for your actions, the weather, and how your free speech has been eroded by being prosecuted for assault. Releasing a statement to the press about how the whole thing has been caused by the White Male Patriarchy.
• Remember, California: all of this would not be possible without your tax dollars!

A 19 year old pair of McDonalds dipping sauces sold for more than 11,500 pounds on Ebay. My calculations put that figure at $47.533 grams but the article specifies $14,700. Believe whichever you choose. Say what you want about the economy, but someone has too much money.

• Berkeley campus on lockdown after loose pages from Wall Street Journal found on park bench.  Ok, this is from The Onion, but it's not far from reality.

In today's Internet of Things news, there is an internet-connected juicer. No, really. It has a brand new feature, in that it doesn't work when the internet is down.

• The local Fox morning show, a favorite target of ThermionicEmissions, features a local kid playing hackeysack. The show is never short of useful information.

In Marshall news, he's headed to the surgeon for his (hopefully) last post-op visit. He gets his Cone of Shame removed, which should make things easier on him and his parents. It didn't take him long to get used to it, by which I mean walking around, smashing into things and knocking other things over, then circling back to do it again.

Now we have this thing I call The Doggie Dance, largely because I can't think of any other names at this moment.  Whenever he wants something, he whines. Unfortunately the same whine can mean "I want to go outside," "I'm hungry", or "I'm thirsty" and you have to try each of them to figure out what he wants.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. He stares at me and doesn't move. I sit down.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. Again, he stares at me. Again I sit down.

Dog whines impatiently.  Oh, it must be food. Fill bowl. Dog eats food. I sit down.

Dog whines and walks to door. Apparently he has to do things in a certain order. Doggie OCD? Don't ask me. And I'm not asking the vet, as we've already bought her a Mercedes and sent her entire family on a cruise to the Bahamas.

As I sit back down, Dog Barks and whines like he's being tortured. This means "I'm ready to come back inside."

By the time I'm temporarily sitting again, he's satisfied that he's caused the maximum amount of carnage and grief possible at the hour, he goes upstairs, bashes through the bedroom door, and has a nap on the bed. Who runs this house anyway?

• If you use LinkedIn and updated your iDevice app, you got a little surprise popup that asked you if you wanted to make your data available to nearby Bluetooth users, even when you're not using the app. This was a problem for anyone who watches what pops up, especially as this update was just a fix. LinkedIn, owned by a small firm called Microsoft, apologized immediately and is working on a fix. Because I want my phone to ping random strangers near me so I can talk to their owners of the joys of LinkedIn.

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