Your love is like that new untreatable strain of gonorrhea
Yes, welcome to the (sloppily arranged, last minute) annual ThermionicEmissions Christmas issue (that started this year).
Apoplectic because nobody's listening to him, Dr Anthony Fauci had a screaming meltdown on national tv (have you ever seen a sign language translator translate a meltdown?), re-stating that no one should travel this holiday. Last year, 90 million people traveled. This year it's down to 88 million, but Fauci feels unheard and unheeded. As a result, all cars can have no more than one person in them, preferably the driver. Cars and trucks will be inspected coming into and leaving the states. If found to have more than 1 occupant, they will be removed from the vehicle, forced to pay a Fauci Tax, and held in Non-Compliant Flying AIDS Transportation camps, until their party returns. Responding to the accusation that these camps are nothing but forced labor, Fauci said "It's not hard labor - they're just helping build my summer homes. The children only do cleaning, no construction work."
In other holiday news, a public transportation bus in Philadelphia saved some cars by intercepting 5 bullets. Nobody was hurt.
This is the time of year Philly Police dress as Santa and give children presents. Many thought the tradition was stopped last year after Santa and his protection detail was mowed down by automatic weapons fire while riding a bus. Philadelphia will be the first city, after Detroit, to dress their police Santas in Kevlar vests. Police Commissioner Outlaw (that's her name) commented "Ha, yeah, you can't keep those children from getting excited when Santa and automatic weapons are in season."
Delivery marches on, or rather, delivery stops dead and has no idea where it is.
The package that went out 2 weeks ago, from 1 state north, will arrive, I am assured by the US Postal Service. It will be late. No, you're kidding me. 2weeks+ to go 1 state. That's literally a trip across the country and back (not that we have any idea where it is now). We don't know where it is, but it will be late - the USPS.
The one halfway across the country, at 2 weeks out, is supposed to arrive yesterday. Supposed to. The USPS is late for being late.
I'm sorry - I'm a little bitchy today because something ate my xmas gifts and it's my time of the day.
They tell me I have to learn patience. They've been telling me this for many many years, yet they still tell me this. Maybe they need to learn to stop telling me to learn patience.
Let's trace a package:
Dec 8 - label printed
Dec 9 - USPS got its grubby little hands on it
Dec 10-22 - it's in the system
New York to PA
Dec 8 - USPS is touching the box
Dec 9 - at USPS facility in Batman, NY.
Dec 10 - leaving Batman, NY
Dec 11 - at Plant City, FL facility
Dec 12 - somewhere. It will be late, but it's definitely somewhere.
Dec 13-20 - Maui, Hawaii facility. Wouldn't you stay for a while too? Maui Wowie, man!
Dec 21 - Portland, Oregon, telling BLM that antifa dissed their mother
Dec 22 - Intercourse, PA facility. Finally in the right state.
Dec 23 - Wright Patterson Air Force Base, OH. Partying with aliens.
Dec 24 - Blue Ball, PA facility.
Dec 25 - It's Christmas, man. Do you expect us to work on Christmas? Or other days ending in -day?
Dec 26 - Batman, NY. Returned to sender because postman got TO and FROM mixed up.
Dec 27 - Picked up. Again. Note to recipient: it will be late, but at least we know where it is this time.
Dec 28 - South Dakota facility, because if you ever complain about your weather again...
Dec 29 - St Raul, Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes; each one of which package has been dropped in.
Dec 30 - deliver to 1234 Main St, PA. Postman can't find 1234 because he's on the wrong side of the street, return to sender.
Sign in Post Office:
December delivery schedule
Guaranteed Next Day Delivery: 2-4 days
Guaranteed 2 day delivery: 4-8 days
First Class: 2-30 days
Regular: good luck
Tracking: $25, will not be tracked
Guaranteed Lost: $50, may not be lost
Hey... I smell the beginnings of a brand new conspiracy theory.
The USPS is wrong nearly 100% of the time. Who else is wrong nearly 100% of the time? Weather forecasters. Coincidence? I think not.
Today I identify as Jewish. HEY - WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY THING....??
Idiot Mayor hath decreed the restrictions will continue until late January.
Thou shalt not dine indoors, whether in a restaurant or your home, excepting that the number of diners in your home does not exceedeth 3. If thou shalt eat outdoors, the number of diners shall not exceed 4 from the same household. Thou shalt not dine outdoors without a permit or within 20' of a waiter.
Thou shalt not celebrate holidays, including in-person or on Skype, lesteth the Guardians of the State breaketh down thy door, and haul thee to the Flying AIDS Detention Center. Unless thou art an illegal alien, in which case thou shalt doeth whatever thou wanteth.
Thou shalt not purchase hoagies, steak sandwiches, dirty soft pretzels, or any other handmade food, lest the Department of SWAT visit and confiscate whatever looketh good, seeing they have not had lunch today.
HEY, HOW'S YER MOM?
For those of you playing along at home, my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The primary doc said only test the old, frail lady if she shows symptoms. But... a pharmacy is offering testing! Make an appointment and go! Yay! I am already more effective than her primary doctor! Many first graders are already more effective than her primary doctor.
Show up at pharmacy, making sure to have Mom along, Shotmaster asks regular or rapid test.
STOP. HALT. CEASE. Deploy Confused Face.
If you want rapid test, you have to cancel today and reschedule for later or tomorrow.
That's nice. Gee, it sure woulda been swell if I knew this.
Go online to reschedule: not a single appointment available for the next few days at any location.
Merry Xmas.
Hey - let's check the city website. They have sites! They require registration! They don't tell you how to register! Then you need an account, but they don't do antibody testing. WTF is antibody testing? Is it rapid or slow? Does she need to lay off the whiskey for 24 hours before the test? The next page has all sorts of local services, such as condoms and pregnant woman mosquito advice. I'm thinking if you used condoms, you wouldn't be needing the mosquito advice (unless mosquitos can bite through condoms - this is just more shit we're expected to know).
So it's 9am and there is a 2 mile line of old ladies and hypochondriacs (and old lady hypochondriacs). They're signing up, talking about their kids, and complaining that it's taking so long and why aren't they serving sandwiches. It's a self-service test, so now the line is 4 miles (8 miles with social distancing). Most of the old ladies are wearing masks that don't cover their noses, so if you don't have the Flying AIDS when you get there, you'll have it by the time you get home.
This just goes to show that masks and testing are irrelevant.
Let's Visit the North Pole
Santa Claus and his old lady - Cheech and Chong
So it's 2020, the Flying AIDS has hit the North Pole, and the elves are getting a little itchy. A particularly ugly elf from Portland Antifa came to visit. After a week, the rest of the elves were talking about unionizing, then tried to burn down the workshop, before issuing their demands
- Santa declared the oppressor, his assets go to the elves
- if they see 1 more candy cane, the building goes up
- the Fat Guy has to pay overtime even when they don't work
- Mrs Claus can no longer visit the production floor: that woman is like Yoko
- more elves of color
- special dorms for LGBTQ* elves
- gambling counselors for the reindeer
- Mrs Claus must confine her pole dancing to the bedroom
- Black Lives Matter wrapping paper on all gifts
- no more Mariah Carey specials from the Pole
- a non-gendered Santa
- Overheard at (illegal) family gathering: Why do I have a planter attached to me?
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