Your love is like green eggs
- This morning Windows said it couldn't connect to my home network, then offered to let me disconnect from it.
Weather News
The news is screaming SNOW - SNOW! Of course they're screaming snow - we're 5 days out so it will probably be 75 degrees instead. Regardless, there will be PANIC in the streets, with no more bread or milk left at the stores. A recent survey revealed that people don't eat much bread or milk, so we think this is programmed behavior (like watching tv shows with judges).
Sane men and women, about 6% of the population, have different reactions to snow.
HIM (me): grumble. This is not even a climate. grumble.
HER (her): I got the shovel out, found your gloves, and got some snow melter that's ok for pets.
Let's forward to late December.....
HIM: It's holiday time - time to make the cookies! I got the mixer out, found your cookie sheets, and stocked up on chocolate chips.
HER: Tell me again how you wound up in the hospital with 4 broken limbs...
- The "biggest snowstorm in years" has been forecast for the Northeast US. You can tell they're serious because they said 'blockbuster', 'nor'easter', and used numbers like 2', 47", and I-95. How do storms know to go up I-95?
- Forecasters said there will be low pressure, high pressure, and winter wonderland. There is a lot of room for interpretation, which means the storm could hit the west coast or the east coast.
- Frosty the Snowman has fled to Bermuda, you can't find a snowblower in the continental US, and everybody working from home is going to... continue working from home. California governor Gavin Newsum said the storm may not enter California without a vaccine certificate.
Today I identify as yellow snow
I just discovered our tv gets a Delaware station. My favorite is their news: it's channel 69. Can you imagine trying to say 69 News with a straight face? The anchors are taught to think of dead relatives (or baseball) for the first few weeks.
On the other hand, everybody in Delaware, when asked where they get their news, screams "69!!"
- Ghislane Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein associate, denies "whatever they're accusing me of" and seeks $28.5 million bail
so I can be killed outside of the prison, instead of insideso I can disappear before my trialso I can get facial surgery to appear on tv as the new, retarded Kardashian.
Dear lefty
- What do I do if it snows?
- shovel, idiot
- Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam leader and friend of the Jews, referred to the Flying AIDS vaccine as 'toxic waste' and to white people as 'crackers'.
- Farrakhan, a race-baiting, antisemitic black man, has all the charm of Charles Manson, without the humor.
Mark this date: The FDA finds Moderna vaccine safe and 94% effective. This is the 2nd vaccine, after Pfizer-BioNTech. 1 issue is the Pfizer vaccine requires -70C (4 kiloliters) Very Cold Storage (VCS), which not all transport and hospitals are equipped for. Moderna requires -20C (4 grams). The FDA will also vote on labeling things in Farenheit, noting "the rest of the world can suck it."
I have an idea: let's put the board members of Pfizer and Moderna into cold storage until their vaccines meets their claims, with little in the way of side effects.
Rammstein Air Base, in Germany, alerted staff of a potential incoming missile. Then it alerted staff that this was part of a "training exercise."
Because America's massive German hub can't tell the difference between an incoming missile and a (surprise?) training exercise.
My car insurance has been calling me since the accident, for some reason. Whie nobody will ever understand car insurance, I figured sending them an email that said "It's totaled" would be sufficient. They keep telling me to create an account online. I did - that's how I sent them the email. I could see where this was going.
Not needing the headache, I called.
Thank you for calling Grubby Insurance. Your time is important to us. You can handle whatever you're calling for online. Press 1 to file online, press 3 to wait for the next available claims representative, press 7 for janitorial."
Your time is honestly quite trivial to us, so wait until someone gets around to answering the phone.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, here's my claim number.
Ok, hold on, I'll transfer you to collision.
Why did you tell me to call you if you're going to transfer me?
It's part of our No Care service.
BLEEP. Thank you for calling Grubby Insurance. Your time is important to us. You can handle whatever you're calling for online. Press 1 to file online, press 33742Q* to wait for the next available claims representative, press 7 for suicide."
Hi, I'm Bambi. What's your name, your date of birth, shoe size, and how much sex do you get, on average?
I'm sorry, what does this have to do with my claim?
Absolutely nothing. We just like to see if you'll answer the questions.
This is an exercise in futility.
yahoogroups, truSir, I forgot to remind you that this call may be recorded, to help with training, or because we just like a good laugh. The agent who upsets the caller the most each month wins a trip to North Dakota.
I am featured in training calls across the country.
But seriously, where's the car. Can we have it? Does your wife have big boobies?
Hang on a second... the axle broke, the car is totaled. Why are we continuing to talk?
Because we'll tow your car, in case it hasn't gotten tired of being towed yet, and pay you its value, minus your $5,000 deductible.
When did this become Obamacare? Rest assured that the green book value on an old car would have us pay you to total it.
That's the point of insurance, Sir. You bet a huge corporation that something bad is going to happen to something and pay them for it. Then if something bad happens, you pay them for it.
That's quite a racket.
We think so.
Well, Bambi, it's been a pleasure.
Thank you for calling Grubby!
- If you're in a Yahoogroups group, it has shut down. Check groups.io to see if it migrated there. Maybe Google groups. Maybe it never migrated and you're screwed. Faceyspaces too.
- The US Treasury's email has been intercepted by a nation state. Panic ensued. Russia, the nation state responsible, said no, they'd never do anything like this and are hurt by the suggestion. They also said, "You spelled trillion wrong."
We just took our first ride in the new car. I hated like hell to start out with a complaint, but if the Bluetooth fits.... you can't set up much of anything on the radio because it helps you keep safe by not allowing the driver to take their eyes off the road. Did the designers think there may be no passenger capable of doing things? Why do we need to be protected in the first place? Oh, lawyers.
After parking, I was allowed to play with the radio. I know this stuff has been around for years, but not for us: we called my mom through the car's audio system. Mom could not have understood what this meant before her decline, but she was overjoyed we got a car. We're taking her out this week.
The important test (drum roll, please) was getting my phone's custom music player to play through the car. And dammit - IT DID! Again, no big deal, but after having 2 cars with no AUX IN or Bluetooth, this was like heaven. No more FM radio! I felt free, joyous, and maybe a bit orgasmic. Have you listened to FM radio? We have 1 current and classic rock station, and 1 classic rock station that plays the same songs by the same artists all day long, then all week long. Listening to local radio here has been deemed torture under the Geneva Convention. Incidentally, I went to the Geneva Convention - it was long and boring as hell. Trust me, you don't want to see Henry Kissinger drunk, doing a striptease on his table. Ironically, this was also outlawed under the Convention.
Mrs lefty's eyes went back in her head when she discovered the heated seat switch. I find it creepy, but can't explain why. Maybe it was the weekend at that Mormon camp.... Anyway, we were 2 kids with new toys. Unfortunately we had to drive our new toys to CostCo. You have no idea how difficult it was to go, wear a mask, and keep my mouth shut about it. It physically hurt. There was a huge display of Old Spice. Of course there was a huge display of Old Spice - Old Spice is for displaying, not selling. Smelly Stuff is the gift you give when you want to really piss someone off. No thanks, no cologne for me - if I want to keep people away, I use my personality. We also found a temperature-controlled smart mug. Of all the random Internet of Things silliness, a smart mug? Does it tweet you when your coffee is ready? Does it send a note to all your Faceyspaces friends, telling them your tea is ready? Does it keep updating your temperature status? Keep track of all the likes? And the death threats?
I was texting my family and got a text that said "Bob liked your post".
WTF - is this Faceyspaces? We're now liking posts in text? Isn't it bad enough people can use emojis in texts? I can't wait til my texts start to get erased because of content...
- People are buying up large-size rations, doomsday bunker firm sees 2,000% interest rise.
- Conspiracy theorists' motto: We're not conspiracy theorists, we're futurists.
Discovery Science is a pretty damn interesting channel. You can find out how stuff is made by watching How It's Made. You can watch all sorts of sciencey shows about bugs and microscopic organisms that invade the human body and are very difficult to diagnose and treat. Much like any other network on any other topic, I'm not fond of any show that cuts away to anyone, sometimes an 'expert', and they talk. If you see a person talking, turn the channel.
Time is a very complex subject. It doesn't technically exist, being a manmade construct, like Oprah. [cut to person talking]
"Time is very complex." The caption under the person talking says Ted Kaczynkski, bicycle repairman. A few more words from the voiceover person, who is Morgan Freeman 87% of the time.
"Time is also relative." - Bill Szymszyk, breadmaker.
Morgan Freeman: In fact, time differs between you on the ground and you in an airplane.
"But only by a very small amount." - Barbara Timesly, model airplane builder.
Morgan Freeman: Larger differences in time are found on spaceships.
"Spaceships, depending on speed, can complete a journey of 1 year and when they return, the Earth is 75 years older." Doctor of Astrophysics, writer of '39', famous guitar player Brian May, of Queen.
"Doesn't anybody ever ask experts anymore?" - Dr Michio Kaku, theoretical physicist, wannabe tv star.
"Time is also relative to the cost of your watch." - Captain Obvious, wannabe comedian.
"Time is something you don't want to spend with your relatives." - Aflac Gottfried, tv duck.
Morgan Freeman: Time is getting way out of hand.
"I wrote Time." Alan Parsons, producer and part time umbrella.
"The Time I wrote never left the charts." David Gilmour, Pink Floyd guitarist, wannabe coat check girl.
And this is why you don't watch tv shows with 1 person talking as an 'expert'. - lefty, blogger of no repute, wannabe mid level rock star.
Know what's cool?
I have a preview function for the blog so I can see what it's going to look like, and it still looks horrid. When one has a talent, one shares.
SJW Squandering
Claremont Unified Methodist Church set up a nativity scene, with a small twist: in the manger are masked people with BLM and I can't breathe signs. Church leaders say they hope the display doesn't anger people....
No comments:
Post a Comment