He Covets My Curly Cord

 Your love is like bulimia

MOM MOM MOM, I'm gonna be an astronaut! Finally!

Son, I'm so proud of you.

I'm going around the Moon!

Your father and I knew you'd make it. Are you landing on the Moon?

No, I'm on the Artemis II, to test the life support system.

Oh.

On the Orion craft.

I see. Mrs Agogo's son will be flying the Orion, while my son is just re-flying the Apollo 8 mission, making sure it's safe.

But Mom, this is very important work.

So is cleaning up after the elephants at the circus.

But we're testing the life support system!

And if it fails?

Oh.

NASA has been studying an incoming object since last August. They had absolutely no idea what it was, but they knew for sure it was not an alien ship, no sir.

Turns out to be a Surveyor 2 rocket booster from 1966.

Also found in orbit:

• 462 candy wrappers, mostly gum
• 1 used NASA condom, we don't wanna know but DNA tests will be done
• a box of unused air from Apollo 13
• 3 missing pieces from Monopoly, including the car
• the first test of the PONG game, jettisoned for secrecy reasons
• poop items of national secrecy 

It is estimated that at this rate, no flights will be able to leave the planet due to the trash orbiting. Vice President Mike Pence toured NASA and congratulated them on making space just like Earth. He also got a spiffy blue NASA jacket. Upon arriving back at the White House, he told Trump that if man were meant to fly, God would've given him wings (and breathing apparatus). Have you ever seen what happens when you pee in zero gravity?

Today I identify as  a broken axle on a Hyundai

• Remember - crunching numbers is always better than crunching abs

President Trump is holding a Virus Summit.

None of the vaccine makers agreed to come.

Instead they'll be showing naked pictures of that hot press secretary.

• The new game Cyberpunk 2077 can trigger epileptic seizure.
• It is guaranteed to keep the epileptic kids inside, virus-free, and not causing any trouble.

Apple's AirPods Max will sell for $549

The iPhones are $1249 to start.

The chargers are $349 and don't come with the phones

The charging cable is $149, because you need a break from high prices

You can only charge them at Apple-approved charging stations that use Apple-approved electricity. Thus far there are 2 in New York, with plans for a few more across the country. Non-Apple-approved electricity will brick the phone and you'll have to buy a new one. Apple Genius Bars now serve Apple-Ativan and Apple-Anthrax

• After getting in trouble for possible revenge porn and child exploitation, Pr0nHub has ended uploads from unverified users and banned downloads of much of its content.
• It would be irresponsible to report this without verifying. Yes, you can still download.

People in the UK with serious allergies are warned not to take the Pfizer vaccine.

Also warned off are people with breathing problems and people who breathe.

Did they forget, in their whirlwind testing, to test people with serious allergies?

Just in case you're not bothered by breathing problems, 4 people developed facial paralysis after the vaccine.

In security news, Flying AIDS vaccine data was accessed in the hack of the EU body that's going to approve it. It would just be easier to hook windows 95 machines directly to the internet with this information on it. No firewalls, no virus protection. Then post the private information on the front door in the form of handouts.

• We could save a lot of money if we defund Congress...

In the last issue I mentioned that Idiot Mayor was isolated. As of today, Idiot Governor has been diagnosed with the Flying AIDS. PA has a real swift team. We wish them a speedy recovery.

• Dear Tastykake: how do you make a cinnamon roll taste so bad?

There is an alleged breakthrough in battery technology, but let's first discuss how lithium-ion batteries work: 

All modern lithium-ion batteries are, in a way, a compromise. The original concept was a “lithium metal” battery, which could hold substantially more energy in the same volume. There was just one small problem: they invariably self-destruct.

HELLO? 

In the first documented use of tools by Asian honeybees, they are using faeces (US spelling-poop) to defend their hives from hornets. I think they have something here. What is the likelihood your house is going to be broken into and robbed if there's shit around the door? How many door-to-door businesspeople are going to knock? How many relatives are going to visit? I see no downside.

Dear lefty  

• I'm stuck going to a family event. What do I wear?
• nothing - you should be in and out fairly quickly 

Can anyone please explain to me why the dog is running around the floor, licking a chicken bullion jar? I'll wait.

YouTube bans videos claiming Trump won.

Are you starting to get the point? It's not about people watching videos, it continues to be a political platform. I'm not saying Trump won- I'm saying these sites have become Mainstream Media, and are used to put across a point, like Mainstream Media. While investigations are going on into the election, you are not allowed to say anything about them. Again, they're a private company and can do anything they want, but when all of the social media outlets behave the same way...

• Hey, couples... you should develop marital issues: trials of MDMA therapy are starting.

Top 10 questions I’d ask an alien from the Galactic Federation

1. how accurate is Star Trek?
2. does Exxon-Mobil already have your secret to free energy?
3. Kirk or Picard?
4. have you seen any planet more bent on its own destruction?
5. why so many Star Trek and Star Wars sequels?
6. what is so bloody fascinating about our anuses?
7. is the Federation anywhere as useless as the UN?
8. Will Kirstie Allie ever slim down to Star Trek weight?
9. I hear Earth is popular with aliens because we're the only planet with sex. Is this true?
10. This question has started wars: chocolate or vanilla?
11. [SJW question] are there LGBTQ99+47 aliens?

• in another unfortunate event, the latest StarX spaceship launch blew up.
• Elon Musk somehow managed to make $4 billion on the crash.

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

Someone has to help her sister get to some appointments, which is damn nice.

Uh-oh

I get a call from Someone, who was busy talking to someone else. I dunno about you, but I hate when people call me and are talking to someone else. I mention this fact and realize I've been butt-dialed. Then I get butt dialed again, but this time I hear someone saying, "We are just concerned that you're alright."

Uh-oh 

Phone rings again.

"I was in an accident. There was no fault and everything is ok, except the car."

Then she uttered those 4 magic words: "The axle fell off."

Well, I guess I better take off work and fetch you then. I'll take the car you don't like.

Hmmm... I better look up the directions on Mapquest.

Hmmm... I should know better than to do anything on Mapquest. It literally shrugged its shoulders and gave up.

It was quite a scene. 'The axle broke' is the best description I can give, although it's not entirely correct. 'It looked really bad' is a very accurate description. Also, 'the sandwiches are cold.' It was a bad afternoon. The axle broke and naturally spun the car right into a parked car.

She had been trying to call AAA ever since, so I took over. You have to make sure you dial the right number, on the right day, and stand in the right place, with only 1 foot in the air. It's a good thing we weren't hanging off a bridge. They dispatched their fastest tow truck, which would reach us in an hour. Did I mention it was snowing?

No matter what you hear, the Philly Policewoman was incredibly nice and efficient. The truck showed up in 10 minutes. The guy looked at it and asked what we were going to do with it - it was totaled. 

Uh-oh 

We'll ask the mechanic.

We take them donuts, so they're always nice to us.

I called and told him we were sending him a present on a truck.

Mechanics are endlessly entertained by the descriptions of problems. He giggled a bit. "Well, the axle thingie that attaches to the wheel... the other end of it was let loose when the thing that holds it broke." He sounded appropriately sympathetic. Mechanics, the good ones, take Sympathy classes, so they can sound like they're relating to customers. "

Customer: my tires broke

Mechanic: that's terrible. Bring it in and we'll take a look.

Mechanic thinking: well, that's $400 I didn't have this morning.

So we're on our way home and Mrs lefty says she could go through a rather large pastry. As it happens, there's a bakery right there. I pull in and park, telling her to go in. Since there was no door opening, I looked over to find her eating something else. "Hi. I took off work for this. You said you wanted pastry, You cannot get pastry if you're sitting here eating something." I found myself remarkably cool through this, because I'm really trying to keep my inner Satan at bay, except on holidays. She wants to know why I pulled to the curb to get her, which is because I read the HOURS sign and the place is closed the entire day. Because why would anybody want anything from a bakery during the week?

Ok, we'll see if there's anything else down the road, but I have to get back to work. 

Huh?

We'll try somewhere else.

[glassy stare]

Don't laugh - I got some good fresh cakes from the convenience store. I want a chocolate chocolate swirly chocolate thing.

[glassy stare]

Ok, we're here.

What do you want?

The same thing I just told you. Never mind- get what you want and get back quickly.

[rummaging in purse]

[continued rummaging in purse]

[my eyes banging against each other]

[watching checkout line and wondering if they forgot how to ring up pastry]

Did you get lost?

No, people had no idea what they wanted and were taking a leisurely browse through the convenience store.

Boy, it's a good thing I got back to work - that only took 2 hours.

And the 2nd car, the Saluki, is exhibiting Engine Light Trouble.

RING RING

Hey lefty, it's the mechanic - how ya doing?

It will probably depend on what you tell me.

Well, I haven't even put it up on the rack yet, but you lost the axle, tire, trash compactor, front end...

[glassy stare]

So aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

[using Mechanic Sympathy] Yeah, I feel really bad about this, but you're looking at several grand to make it work and Blue Book value is 59 cents, 64 in great condition.

Uh-oh 

I am not a hypochondriac. In fact, one has to drag me to the doctor, but my chest started banging, my ears in sympathy, and I kept trying to remember the steps to diagnose heart attack.

I thanked the gentleman and complimented him on his Sympathy.

Yeah, so no good deed ever goes unpunished. Next time the sister needs to go somewhere, she can walk. Interestingly, this is the 3rd car totaled coming back from this sister's house. Just an odd statistic.

Many many years ago, my brother told me to get a Hyundai. I bought one. It went through hell, with a stop in New Jersey, then back through hell again. Then the axle broke at 150k. Obviously I'll be looking at another Hyundai, but do you have any suggestions? I want a reliable and large sedan.

Of course it gets better.... the Hyundai was the last year before the stereos got an AUX IN. This is trivial, but everything got electronic after that. GPS, OnStar, rearview mirrors that communicate to the mfgr, 'infotainment' systems that cut out the middleman and send all data right to the NSA.... I now have to find a large car with no Phone Home Electronics. It's gonna be a rough night at the car lot. The salespeople have never had a request to 'pull out all the modems and let me see that it runs'. Tin Foil Hat meets Car Lot.

A number of people have told me I'm good in a crisis.

I will honor them today by being very angry, running around and barking like a chicken, watching my eyeballs stare at each other, and pulling out all ear hair in record time. Anybody's ear hair. My boss doesn't know it, but he picked a bad day to ask me to pay attention to stuff.