HAPPY WHATEVER
May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodly appendage.
Your love is like hot buttered used motor oil
Happy Solstice. It's the beginning of winter, known and hated by most. Winter showed up determined to make its presence known, with very low temperatures and easier-to-find Carnation chocolate malt powder.
For some reason, known only to someone, I got to drive my own new car. How was I supposed to know you press the brake before it'll start? The UltraBrite<tm> display said I should probably start the car or it would eat up the battery and the neighbors would all laugh at me (again). It seems you can do anything you want via the display, except what you want to do at that moment. Also, no tv. But who needs tv when you can drive down the road with the UltraBrite<tm> display 'talking' to you. What would have been nice to talk to was the mirror adjust. Every little knob and button in the car is lit, except the mirror control.
Eventually I got it drivable, preferring to leave the seat adjusted for Mrs lefty. Gallantry comes with a price, and when I got out of the car, my lumbar region was over my head. It was not as funny as it looked... it was hilarious. I remember an older Lincoln commercial where the seats had presets(!), so 2 people could set it for their preference and not PISS OFF the other one. The center console had lots of buttons and stuff, none that seemed useful while driving. I am going to trust the designers of the UltraBrite<tm> display and that it's not distracting to drive with several floodlights in your eyes at night. Even if I crash, I can take solace in knowing what song is playing, what album it's from, and that I accepted the legalese I have to accept before I put the car in gear. Every time that displays, Sherman Mitnick, Esq., gets $0.57. Sherman's South Dakota firm came up with the paragraphs, that mean nothing, but you're required to agree to before you drive. Stop and read it some time... you agree to give your firstborn to the car company. In many cases, this is a perk of ownership, especially when you watch the true murder shows where the firstborn slaughters the entire family for the insurance money, but gets caught when he accidentally shoots himself and runs out of gas.
No matter how much Bluetooth pairing I did, I could not make my phone start the car from inside the house. This is a definite negative, in spite of the Butt Warmers. There are 3 levels of Butt Warmer: warm, mmmmm hot, and 3rd degree ass burn. There are Asshole Detectors: little lights on the mirrors that light up when there's an asshole driver near you. They stayed on the entire trip.
We're trying to keep the dog out for as long as we can, and enjoy not having mud on our asses when we arrive (we're known for that anyway). Sometimes we arrive at our destination and hear "Hey lefty, why is there no mud on your ass?" It really freaks out new people.
Before every plane flight, the pilot walks around the plane, to make sure everything's in order, and the 2 big wings are still there. It's better to find this out before you start moving than on the runway.... Southwest 757, uh, you're a little short wings, over. So I got out my imaginary clipboard (it's blue) and did a quick trip about the car: Tires - 4 - check. Body - 1 - check. Drink holders - 2 - check. Ready for takeoff. Like some pilots, I had my alcoholic beverage coffee all ready to go. This particular plane, when I put it in reverse, killed my music and tried to show me video. It was the most boring clip I had ever seen... it looked like something one would see if they were in the trunk, with the lid up a little. Of course this is impossible - I make sure to shut the trunk if anybody's in there.
The car rode damn fine, even with the banging of the bodies cargo in the trunk. I felt like I was driving a luxury car, which generally means it's over 20 years old. Aside from a few errant pedestrians, the ride was free of bumps. The most bizarre part of the entire new car experience was the family member concerned about the size of the trunk. We stopped asking why a long time ago and send her a picture with Mrs lefty posing in the trunk. Yes, it's roomy.
In spite of the fact that it is a 'dumb' car, it greets Mrs lefty every time she gets into it. This was a bit of a shock when I got in... it asked me where she was. This bothered me more than usual because the car has no speech function. It's like dogs: they're hers within a day. Meh- I'm not complaining.. she's a keeper. Mrs lefty too.
Today I identify as meat
First there was PONG. It was a console you hooked up to your tv, or rather you had your kids hook up to your tv. With a little line, you PONGed a ball back and forth, kinda like tennis, but without the screaming at the judge. It competed with Go Fish for the most boring game ever. Mind you it cost a lot of money. Then you went to arcades to play PONG (and Frogger), depleting the nation's supply of quarters, as well as your allowance for the week (and next week).
Games got better. Resolution got higher. They got more realistic and did more. You played on your computer instead of the tv. You raced cars on what looked like a real track. You ran people over and stole cars. The game ran much faster than you did. The only thing you were missing was the $5,500 arcade game that you'd routinely physically abuse. You lost your desire to abuse the game when it was on your computer, or else you bought a lot of controllers.
Years passed and you (allegedly) grew up. Now you can buy a small or medium sized arcade game console. You can choose to play PONG or Frogger. What goes around comes around. You give it to your nephew, he laughs behind your back, then his father plays with it. What goes around comes around.
- Best headline: Improving Windows' quality by making it not boot
The Vatican says the vaccine is morally acceptable.
Apparently so is child molestation.
The Moderna vaccine has been approved.
The differences between this and the Pfizer vaccine are slim, but here is what we know so far: instead of your right arm, your left arm falls off. It makes your nipples permanently hard but kills your sex drive. Instead of not being able to sue Pfizer, you're not able to sue Moderna. Your toenails will turn green, then rainbow, in support of Black Lives Matter.
A growing number of lawmakers are declining an early shot. Some claim they're waiting for frontline people to get theirs first. The rest of the cowards are getting theirs due to Continuity of Government plans. Continuity of Government is a concept by which American citizens get killed, but government has special procedures and hideouts so government can continue in the event of something terrible.
You're probably asking yourself if there's any different, good news, now that we've all had it with the Flying AIDS. Well hold onto your hats - the scientist who helped discover Ebola says a much deadlier virus is eventually on its way.
It's very interesting to see what is purchased during the Flying AIDS lockdown. Sexbots are coming. I told you, ladies, you'd better start being nicer to men.
- I hear there are a lot more cybersecurity jobs available.
Dear lefty
- What do you want for xmas?
- peace, man. the Non-Aggression Principle. the Constitution. a 1950s left handed Stratocaster.
- What are you getting for xmas?
- a car payment
- Peter Jackson (some movies) is putting together a different view on the Beatles' 'Let it Be'. It won't be out til 2021 but check out the montage.
- John Lennon would have been 80 this year. 80.
I get bored easily. I have a big mouth. As a result, I like to push things.
At my first real job, I got my coworker to take her shirt off so I could see her in her bra. She said it was no big deal. I have perfected raising one eyebrow, ala Spock, occasionally adding a 'fascinating'. She also couldn't see the point of sex- it didn't do much for her. One of my greatest failures was not being able to get her to let me practice on her, to see if I could bring more joy to the act. It was one of many unselfish acts I proposed.
At the Twilight Zone<tm>, I got a coworker to stand still so we could shoot gummy bears down her shirt. Come to think of it, it might have been more her idea than mine. All I wanted was to be a gummy bear (or to retrieve them). God, I miss those days. Mostly I miss the coworker.
We had another coworker that agreed to gummys down the shirt, but he lacked a few of the necessary parts to play the game properly.
This is why I don't babysit. Well, that and I don't like children.
My current place of employment has no fun like that. The lone female in my group has 15 years and 150 pounds on me, plus we never see each other. It's a blessing that my coworkers don't see me. We also have one who's a dead ringer for Predator and I'm not asking him to play the gummy game. I suspect one of my coworkers has another job that he does while allegedly doing ours. Other team members occasionally have to be awakened, leading to the question 'what do they DO while working?' Some of these people have all the speed and ability of government workers, without the healthcare plans. I get a lot of credit for getting things done. Little do they know I'm off napping and it's the dog. Another guy is completely immersed in taking selfies. He changes his picture every week and is usually busy banging his (or someone's) wife. Because I'm a little more awake than the others and occasionally answer questions, I've become the go-to guy. I spent 10 years trying to avoid this at the last place. It's like a curse: you've been found Competent, therefore you're stuck with it forever. You know what happens to people found Competent in tech? They're promoted to Manglement. Because if you're good in tech, you must be good at managing people. I still wake up screaming from the last time this happened.
- Youtube banned any videos having anything to do with election fraud. Whether there was or wasn't... banning?
- If there was fraud, it's a public service.
- If there was no fraud, it would just show how stupid the uploaders are. Nothing to lose, Youtube. Unless there's an agenda....
2 people and their service puppy opened a Delta jet cabin door before takeoff, and took the slide down. They realized The Masked Furry was on and they had forgotten to set their DVR. The police were going to take them into custody, but let them go after everybody in the plane beat the crap out of them for causing a 9 hour delay. An Airbus A321 carries 191 people, each one had their whacks at the 2 Furry Watchers. When it was over, their service puppy peed on them.
- I remember growing up and what it was like to be a child at this wondrous time of year. On Christmas eve, we'd all gather around the tree until one of us figured out there was no Christmas tree. Weird parents are a bitch.
The news is outta hand with stories of Russian hacking of our high government departments. Can you imagine what would happen if the Russians hacked your network?
- uTorrent operations, downloading the latest movies, generating complaint emails threatening to sue
- a few teammates downloading Johnny's pr0n stash of coworkers, taken from when people asked him to copy pictures from their phones to the network
- 127 petabytes of mp3s and cat pictures
- a very small amount of what your company actually does
- It turns out this is even better than antivirus, because the hackers get so bored looking for anything of value, they give up and go elsewhere.
Microsoft says the Russians were not the first to hack SolarWinds but doesn't name names. President Trump agrees, naming Switzerland.
I tried SolarWinds a long time ago. It was a real pig. That aside, it's time to get SolarWinds servers back to a blank state and install something else. SolarWinds was warned about this at least a year ago, plus the Russians weren't the only ones in there.
On the other hand, the hacking has done a lot for world relations: nation-states get to sit in our important servers, pooling resources and getting along like never before.
- I washed my blanket. An entire dog came out of it. Penny was incredulous, stuck her nose into it, and vowed to start all over again.
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| The Flying Spaghetti Monster |
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