At Least I Pooped Today...

You know you're living with PTSD when....
There's only 2 of you, but you have the 48 pack of toilet paper.



Your love is like  your mother's.


The goog is starting to take security more seriously. So seriously, I can't get into my own gmail with my own phone. I used to... but it suddenly told me that someone used my password to try to access my mail. Yes, of course someone did - it was ME. Apparently I've done such a good job of disguising my phone, the goog doesn't recognize it.

Sometimes a time machine would be fun.
Can you imagine going back to visit Ben Franklin, noted bright guy, inventor, and ladies' man, with an android tablet. With transexual videos. Ask him what he thinks about SJWs. Or forward 100 years, to watch people just shake their heads in silence, looking back at our time in history.


AI, the Buzzword for the next 10 years, is moving forward by leaps and bounds. You probably don't know this, but you've seen AI for years. It's a very early and flawed implementation, but sourced reveal it's Larry King.  Larry's been dead for 10 years, and what you're seeing is an AI likeness, complete with wheezing, coughing, and heart arrhythmia.


To the science-minded and anyone concerned: sperm swim more like otters than eels.


Libertarian candidate for president, Jo Jorgensen, has to get 5,000 signatures to get on the ballot in the hole that is PA. Republicans and democrats require 2,000.



Dear lefty:

• To what do you attribute the serious rise in global readership?
• Bad taste knows no boundaries.

What do you do when you drop to earth in a space capsule, and have 5 hours to kill until the ship comes for you? You use your satellite phone to make prank calls. This is why America is the greatest nation on Earth.



The NSA recommends privacy-conscious turn off find-my-phone, wifi, and Bluetooth whenever not using them.  HA. The NSA is finally taking my advice.

They turned me loose today. Or I escaped... however you'd like to phrase it.
What did we learn today?
First, we learned that the Flying AIDS is keeping people inside. Where there should be stopped traffic, there was no traffic.

We learned that someone needs to give some serious thought to dog-proofing the car. And the GPS. Especially the GPS.

Our original GPS and I had a very bad relationship, like the mower. The touch screen caused an incredible amount of grief, and not just with me. After it tried to drive us into a large body of water, we gave up. It would say things like, "Turn 500 feet at .. Road." I suspect it had better things to do than give us directions.

When the new one showed up, I started getting douche chills and asked Mrs lefty if she was deliberately trying to torture me. She said not at all, but she said it too quickly and I thought I saw a twinkle in her eye. There was no need to plug it into a computer to have it run, which was good. The screen went from the horrid push screen to a touch screen, and behaved pretty well. It only screwed up about 10 times for me, which was a great improvement over the old one. Unfortunately the device is not dog-proof. We kept trying to figure out why the device was on a screen we had never seen. It was Penny, touching it with her nose. Repeatedly. Cars used to come with bench seats, like your couch. This left much room for a 3rd passenger or a dog. The tiny individual seats are no place for canines. Penny is happy to try to get past this by sneaking up from the back, sitting on my lap, scratching the crap out of my legs, and trying to stick her head out the window. As for the car being dog-proof, Penny either knows how to open the window or keeps hitting it by mistake. We have to literally lock the window controls so she doesn't open the windows. It's pretty funny to watch her flaps flapping in the breeze, but we like to err on the side of caution. One squirrel and it might be over.

We were in outer Mongolia, visiting. You see different things in outer Mongolia. For instance, we watched a chipmunk walk up to someone and take a peanut. That was amusing, but I didn't expect to see a young bear, popping by, eating some food, then putting his paws on the railing, looking for more. He was just fine with people; mainly looking for more to eat. I saw pictures of the Three Little Bears, playing in the tree, with their momma watching. Next to the porch. If there's one thing you don't piss off, it's Trump. If there's another thing you don't piss off, it's a momma bear. There was also a video of the little ones, trying to figure out what to do with a marshmallow. Discovering it wasn't much of a toy, they did what all children do: stick it in their mouth. I get in trouble for sticking things in my mouth to this day. The local authorities say that it's ok to feed the animals. Ok, then. It's pretty cool to look at bears. At about a mile away, or in those nice postcards. Having to change your underwear frequently is tiring. Penny went nuts, less so for the bear than the chipmunks. She stood guard the entire time. We felt secure in the knowledge we were going to go unmolested by chipmunks. This is one serious hunting dog (when she's not anchored to her mommy, napping). Hospitality is the same everywhere, which I realized when our host provided us with vodka bottles and straws. These were the good straws, not the kind that collapse. Although it would've made the trip more interesting, we declined, hoping for Drano instead.

It was great to get back home to my couch, where there was no danger of bears, except on the tv. Aside from discovering the new GPS added an hour to our trip, the ride home was fine. This is much better than last time, when we drove through a hurricane. We saw flying tree branches, trees, small houses, trucks, and bicycles with Nancy Pelosi riding them.



Always late to the party, I discovered you can't pay a turnpike toll: it's all billed to you. Hmmmm.... that would be pretty convenient if EZ PASS wasn't working to remove cash, tracking, and toll takers. Watch the alleged coin shortage get blamed for cutting off other cash transactions. As it is, some stores say you need exact change or you have to use a card. I'm starting to vibrate (harder).

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.

• A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.

This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dear lefty:

• I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
• Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.

As I type this, Betty White turns 97.

After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.

There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.

• BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
• The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.

It was so cold yesterday...

HOW COLD WAS IT?

It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.

The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.

It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.

It's not a climate - it's a plague.

• Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
• At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.

Dear lefty:

• Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
• Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?

Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.

• I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
• You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
• I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
• If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?

I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.

I Have Plenty of Hair - Just Look in the Drain

Life is Python.
Python is Life.

I just caught a really good documentary on Monty Python, covering the lead up to their O2 appearance. One of the points they hammered at (and got hammered on) is their age; constantly referred to as septuagenarian, or 70s, in French. Well, they certainly looked older, but consider that the shows started in the late 60s. They're certainly going to have gray hair and other normal issues related to age. Graham Chapman had the ultimate issue related to age: he's dead (although technically it was related to illness).

They covered what the Pythons had been up to, Eric Idle taking the reins of leadership for the appearance, and rehearsals, which some couldn't make due to prior commitments. Putting on a show of this magnitude required an immense effort, from Eric to dancers to props. There was a scene where Eric was driving through his 'hood in L.A., headed off to a storage unit. There he found a picture of the first time he met George Harrison, some gold records, and finally, the albatross he was after.

The following day I watched a relatively recent Deep Purple concert, noting that our classic rock heroes are getting up there. Jeff Beck and the Zeppelins are all septuagenarians. Contrasted with the Pythons, the rockers are still relatively young, hair dye aside.

What have we learned?
That rock and roll keeps you young and that if you put mayonnaise on corn on the cob, I will lose my previous meal upon your person.

• In a survey, half of Americans don't want self-driving cars. Of course they don't want self-driving cars - they crash. They're not ready for prime time.
• Maybe some Americans aren't as stupid as they look.

Turkish protesters took sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones.
Why? Do the Turks feel like I do about iDevices?
No, they're protesting Donald Trump's administration.

I call on you, readers of this blog, to follow the brave example of the Turks and take sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones, to protest President Trump's failure to jail Hillary Clinton. If you're unwilling to destroy your own $1,000 property, maim someone else's. If that fails, join my other protest: we're burning old, broken printers to protest Turkey's protest. We'll show them.

• I'm seeing commercials for a tv show called Born This Way, about people born with Down Syndrome. Could someone please explain the attraction of the show and its high ratings? Disclosure: I haven't watched the show, as the commercials provided nothing of interest for me. There are enough disabilities around me - why watch them on tv?

A 41 year old Iraq vet suffered from PTSD, attempting suicide five times after his 2009 discharge. The medicines he was prescribed left him with side effects and he still felt suicidal. He participated in a clinical trial of MDMA (ecstasy/molly), and within a few doses, he wasn't suicidal.

I'm glad the soldier got some help. Our veterans are sometimes treated like collateral damage. This is because Lockheed Martin doesn't build soldiers. Make no mistake - Iraq, Afghanistan and many other wars are unnecessary, but if these men and women served, they deserve the best we can provide. The president has made VA reform a high priority: I hope he succeeds.

Incidentally, ketamine (vitamin K, animal tranquilizer, party drug) is being used to treat depression. War on drugs my ass. Just wait til the drug companies start to sell these.... all of the sudden they will become Miracle Cures.

• The Powers That Be in dog rescue have indicated they're still looking for a dog for us. If you know of an American or English cocker in the Philly area, please get in touch. We're looking for a young adult who's not insane and has no issues.

My favorite religious skewer is the satanists. It would almost seem that they were put together to defend freedom of religion. Little Rock, Arkansas, has unveiled an eight foot state of Baphomet at the Arkansas state capitol.  How did this happen? The legislators approved a Ten Commandments monument. The satanists insisted on inclusion for the sake of plurality and got what they were asking.

Much as I love the point and the apoplexy it caused, I'm coming out against pluralism, satan or not. #1A is about the State not having anything to do with religion. In this case, 'plurality' is a sneaky end-around, in order to get one group's religious symbol put up. 

What would Attorney lefty, Constitutional non-scholar and not-noted libertarian, recommend? The removal of all religious iconography. Require the virtue-signalling legislators to take a Constitution 101 course. Require they view a presentation on satanism. Then send them back to their overstuffed office chairs and have them practice minimal government. 

The nerve of these Bubbas is astounding.

Naturally, Little Rock's Great Unwashed is marching in lock step, mounting a protest against the satanist statue. Because their religion should get preference over freedom of religion. Also because there are no other problems in the state.

• It's 7am. I'm technically awake, and there's an ungodly noise coming through the windows: it's heavy equipment. Equipment so heavy, it sounds like someone doing construction on a highway. This is the loudest noise to grace our street since the 757 landed in our driveway. The neighbor is already busy cutting grass. She doesn't push the mower - it moves away in fear. She's been at it for over an hour... I think she's going blade by blade.
• Ancient astronaut theorists believe the neighbors are building survival complexes, seven stories deep. Or maybe the neighborhood is a CIA front. Except for my house, of course: we're a front for the city garbage inspectors.

Meanwhile back at the airport

"I'm going to need to see your porn, please," said the customs agent at the airport. 

Excuse me?

"I need to look at the porn on your laptop."

Why would you possibly want to look at my porn? How do you know I have any?

"Sir, I'm specially trained to detect porn and see if it's the kind of porn which violates our laws."

How do you know I have any porn that violates your laws?

"I don't. That's why I have to review all of it. No telling where you might hide it.  Please sit over there. A few colleagues will assist me to make this process faster. I'll be back in a few hours."

• Phew.. it's been a long but productive day: I finally got Word 2016 to open in draft view. I'm beat.

There was a party the other day.

No one was entirely sure why.

You're about to ask yourself what a party has to do with a bathroom door. 

Go ahead.

I needed a new bathroom door. I was incapable of putting it up because I had never done it before and it was fairly complex. The solution, as always, was to call Bob. Bob is my buddy of many years. Bob is to construction as lefty is to computers. Bob stopped by, assessed the situation, and had it hung in short order. Wife was impressed. For about 15 minutes. Bob put the door on backwards. Bob are a perfesshunul.

Months later, I had to install an air conditioner shelf brackety thing. I was terrified of it requiring drills and other tools I knew the names of but did not have. Sure enough, Bob was kind enough to stop by on his day off. He looked at the instructions and shook his head... he wasn't understanding. Since we were both standing there in Man Pose (arms crossed, looking pensive), the Man Code stated I had to look at it. I too shook my head and sent Bob home. We just weren't getting it.

Wife, who called Bob, was less than happy that the professional (and I) failed to have the thing installed. When I protested stupidity, she handed me the device exactly as it was supposed to be attached.  Boy, I really WAS stupid. I didn't have the heart to call Bob. But at least I finished with the Man Code: I told her if she's so smart, SHE could install it.

Bob's wife threw a party.

She has different ways of going about things.

When I say threw a party, I mean something closer to arranged a party. She made sure to delegate absolutely everything but being the hostess. When the day came, everybody had brought something, except Mrs. Bob. After all, it was her party. Then everybody arranged the food over tables, tents, and inside. Mrs Bob stayed inside because it was 90 outside. She certainly looked summery, in her very short skirt, which let most of it all hang out. And when I say it, I mean several great handfuls of cottage cheese and some used telephone poles. 

After we left, I hear Mrs. Bob was already planning her next party. Why? Because everyone else cleaned up for her. 

• I hate rain. I hate clouds. I picked the wrong state in which to live. We've had a pretty bad spell lately. Today we're aware of the sun, but the clouds are doing their best to obscure it, like Michael Moore in front of Gwyneth Paltrow. Yet I feel myself longing for rain. WHAT? Because if it doesn't rain in the next hour, I have to mow.
• Well, I had no choice. We went to a battery-powered mower, which is very light and very quiet. This is the problem: everyone else's mower is loud and bothers the hell out of me. I can't even reciprocate. Maybe I'll contact the manufacturer and find out if there's a VOOM retrofit. They have to put them on electric cars, so people will know they're coming.

I'm Nothing if not Something

A halloween costume of Caitlyn Jenner is causing outrage, prompting cries of disgraceful and transphobic. I wonder where these Social Justice Warriors were when Reagan, The Decider and (Bill)Clinton masks were in heavy rotation. Where were the charges of idiotphobia then?  I have to admit the costume is hilarious, with a dress-like thing and a sash that says Call Me Caitlyn. And what had better be a wig.  BUT WAIT: A second controversy has sprung up over a Lion Killer Costume! These costumers are a delightfully sick bunch.

• My first job was nine months of sheer hell, dealing with the public at an electronics store that shall not be mentioned (it gave out free batteries and just went under). The job taught me a very important life lesson - that I hate people. And that retail was not my strong suit. But in the interest of fairness, we should all read this article about retail. We can all learn something from it (and it validates hating people).

There's no doubting it: farts are funny, to all ages and sexes (mostly the male sexes). I have often wondered why (because my mind needs to know this sort of thing). Here is a piece on why fart jokes never get old. The old anal exhalation. The wind beneath my sheets. One - single flatulation, stuttering between my cheeks.

• Homeland Security has raided a gay escort site. Precisely which part of national security is threatened by gay escorts? Are they afraid of outing DC? They have been charged with prostitution and the website was seized. I wonder if the straight services are next. Maybe they'll seal the records for seventy five years, like JFK's.

A bar in Sydney, Australia, has caused outrage by using naked women as fruit platters.  I'm desperately trying to figure out the problem here.  I do have to admit that the bananas were sitting rather tall on one platter. An outraged Social Justice Warrior referred to the practice as contempt for women. Seems more like love for women. All they needed was a guitar somewhere and you'd have my three favorite activities on one table.

• Speaking of the cheating site Ashley Madison hack, it has been discovered that only about one percent of women who signed up ever actually used the site (men paid, women signed up for free). Where are the Warriors crying about male inequality? Don't delude yourself, guys... women run the planet. The sooner you recognize this, the better off you'll be. The Ashley Madison story is going to get more and more interesting in the coming weeks. For some really sad news, check out some of the passwords used for the site.  IN ADDITION:  Hundreds of thousands of people signed up for the service last week - AFTER news of the hack.  If it weren't for the great stupidity of the Great Unwashed, I'd swear that the hack was just good publicity for Ashley Madison.

Drought? LA County supervisors wash their cars 2-3 times a week. This is an outrage! How can governmental supervisors be expected to wash their own cars? 

• You absolutely cannot PAY for this headline: Unrestricted Urine Flow in San Fran Streets Corroding Metal Light Poles. SF has started using urine-resistant paint.  After 9/11, BART restrooms were closed as a safety measure. The City is obviously protecting the citizens from people using the bathroom in subways. Most surprising, not a word about Philadelphia.

In addition to transgender tv sitcoms and reality shows, transgender porn is on the rise. So to speak. Especially in California, New York, Illinois and Texas. DC is probably number one in underage transgender porn.

• Man arrested after his dog tests positive for meth. It's a good thing the vet doesn't test Marshall... he'd blow positive for cat food every time.

A PF Chang chef, Jaquan Huston, stabbed another chef, Eliveton Dias, to death in the kitchen during the dinner rush. My wife has been trying to get me to go there for years. As if the food weren't enough to put me off, now I have to worry about danger to my person via chefs with knives. This doesn't seem to be a problem at my favorite pizza place.

• Roberto Esquivel Cabrera has what some would consider a problem: he has (this stuff kills me) the world's longest penis. He's trying to get some sort of disability payments for it (and him too). He claims that he can't get a job, it hangs below his knees and that women are too afraid to have sex with him (he's still a virgin). Yes, this is a World Record Academy award (Guinness didn't have a category for this). Oddly enough, another record holder is the world's smallest man, at two inches larger (taller) than Mr. Cabrera's Monster Member. We wish him luck. Stardom awaits  when California's porn producers come across this story.  This picture was to the right of the story - they couldn't have picked a better one.

You thought I couldn't top the penis, didn't you?  The wife of a New York administrator claims she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from her husband's twisted sexual practices.  So he wore a chastity belt to work. So  he wore diapers and a horse tail during foreplay. So he dressed like a sissy maid and called himself Jessica.  

The divorce papers say he engaged in “predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct so egregious it shows a blatant disregard for the marital relationship that it shocks the conscience.” Hey now - one person's "predatory and extreme depraved antisocial sexual conduct" is another person's idea of Marital Bliss or bit of good clean fur for an evening.

While the gentleman in question is now without a wife (who has reportedly been safely ensconced in a local nunnery), he has a line around the corner of women (and men) who like a good time. Most are dressed in leather, carrying a box of diapers and a brand new french maid outfit in his size. I'm dying while I'm typing this.

• A Maine man crashed into a tree while taking a selfie, driving home (oof) this blog's extreme dislike of selfies.

Miyuki Harwood, a hiker missing for nine days has been found alive in a California forest. ThermionicEmissions does not condone the use of Asian driving jokes.

• North Dakota is the first state to legalize weaponized Unmanned Aerial Devices (shooting and bombing drones) for local police departments. Firing in Fargo, anyone? Bombing in Bismarck? Shooting in Stanley? Murder in Minot?

A package of radioactive material that was supposed to be delivered to an on-campus office at Texas A&M University has gone missing. Perhaps they mistook it for Anthrax. If they try to trace it through the postal service, they're screwed.

• Firefighters were called out to a farm in England because a curious cow got its head stuck in a chair. After freeing the poor large beast from the chair, it was discovered that this was no ordinary curious cow - it was just Kim Kardashian (for the second time this week).

An Afghan man and women were given 100 lashes in public for adultery. In the US, you get a website, press coverage and a tv show.

SO MUCH FUNK, ONE BLOG CANNOT STAND IT ALL

Once again I'm going to abandon my guitar leanings and give you The Funk. Few solos here... just the almighty groove. I'm talking Sly & the Family Stone. 

If You Want Me to Stay is prototypical Sly. This version is from the classic Soul Train program and is done live. The drummer is Bill Lordan, who I know from Robin Trower, a real surprise.  All the way from the phenomena that was The Midnight Special comes Thank You (Falettinmne Be Mice Elf Again). Sly plays guitar on this song (did you know Sly played guitar?). This particular drummer is not Bill Lordan, which seems to work better for the band. I call him Bouncy because I don't know his name but have seen him with the band in other videos. He's all over the place.

Enjoy Higher, from Woodstock. You'll know all these tunes from their studio versions but I was looking for variety and performance. It is rumored that Sly was notoriously late and refused to go on at Woodstock. When the organizers threatened to not pay, Sly asked everyone what they were waiting for. Great performance, great concert.

Unfortunately, time and recreational pharmaceuticals had their effect on Sly, who, at least reading, lived in a van, paranoid and penniless. He's supposed to be getting back on his feet with a little help from his friends. I sure hope so, espcially considering what passes for music on the radio these days.

The Unemployment Follies (#6) - Lefty's Flying CIrcus

Yes, it's another installment of the Unemployment Follies, starring the leftystrat household; the wives, the pets and me.  Judging by the title, you know I'm still without serious employment (or even non-serious employment).

SINKING?

How are things, you ask?
Things are, by and large, still things, only shrunk down by fifty percent. It getting time to call some creditors.  Do you think I can explain to them that since my income dropped by fifty percent, my payments will drop accordingly?

Perception is everything, though.
To anybody looking in, I must look like I'm on some pretty heavy drugs. I spend every day looking for jobs for a few hours, then do some housework (while my wife holds me at gunpoint).  But I'm surprisingly calm.

Of course, I'm probably the only one who's calm. The wife is absolutely Not Impressed with my state of Not Working.  She (et.al.) is in a state of PTSD-induced unrest.  She keeps me on the straight and narrow, memorizing my phone and in-person interviews and asking me if they're still happening.  While the dog is still loving having me home, the wife is definitely not.  Since I have been home, she has taken up a new hobby: laundry.  Nobody knows why but a girl has to have her recreation time.  I tired telling her that it's not necessary to wash clothes every day but there's no dissuading her.  I was kinda hoping she would take up nymphomania but things don't always work out the way one would like.

The neighbor who asked if the house will be going up for sheriff's sale has been really nice, bringing over stuff from the garden.  The other neighbor has been leaving care packages.  For some reason, they include a lot of bread.  Fortunately the dog loves bread, as if we could keep him out of it.  My mom just made us dinner.  We're not destitute by any means but I feel rich in friends and family (ok, and slightly embarrassed).  I even took down the NOT STARVING sign on the house.

AUTO-MOBILE

I'm not exactly certain which neighbors know what but the reactions are priceless. The lady across the street came over to congratulate my wife on the new car.  My wife had to tell her it was a rental.  The good neighbor took one look at the rental car and said, "Oh dear... not again!"  Several other neighbors no doubt think we own a car lot (or are drug dealers).

I have come up with a solution for our next car.  The first part is to NOT LET HER DRIVE.  The other part is to purchase the car and three entire sets of bodies (to be stored at the body shop).  This way, when people hit us (and they WILL hit us), all we have to do is drop the car at the shop and have them replace the body part(s) from our existing inventory.  We won't even have to call the insurance company (at least until we're through the three entire sets of bodies).

Speaking of accidents, my dear wife finally realized that she has a sprained knee and opposite ankle.  This is somewhat compounded by both of her feet swelling like clown feet.  The neighborhood children want to use them for pool floats.  In fact, she's sitting next to me as I type this, blissfully unaware of the content.  Swelling feet are going to look minor in comparison with what she's going to do to me.

Speaking of doing things to me, I have to do my part to help by wrapping ace bandages around her ankles.  Here we are, with this perfect deviant sexual aid, and we're using it for health reasons. Again, I am embarrassed.


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

So when I'm not job-hunting, doing housework at gunpoint or wrapping my wife's ankles for health reasons, there is always TV.  I prefer internet tv, as there's almost always something I want to watch. My wife, on the other hand, lives on broadcast tv. You know, old style, plug in the rabbit ears, horrible reception television.  What makes this really horrible is that she likes to watch ancient black and white movies (from just after they added sound) and really old, horrible sitcoms from before we were born. Leave it to Beaver, anyone?

The absolute worst time of the day is during the day, when all the court shows are on. Judge Lynn, Judge Stanislaus, and the most repugnant (and famous) show of all, Judge Judy.  I am convinced that we can eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to have a whack at Judge Judy with a two-by-four (with a railroad spike in it).  There's Divorce Count, People's Court and Banana Nut Bread Court. After being an involuntary spectator in all of these courtrooms, I figure there's really only one court we need: Grammar Court.  Have you heard how these people speak?

With any tv, you get the absolute best part - commercials.  There is a current commercial for a digital tv antenna that boasts tremendous reception and no cable costs.  For those of us with a functional brain, this is a rabbit-ears equivalent that's being sold as a small miracle.

I also discovered that with a certain cable service, one can DVR up to fifteen programs at once.  This is stunning news, that must be reported at once to either Guiness World Records or your local exterminator.  The first thing that occurs to me is why you need to record up to fifteen programs at once when you can barely find one program that's even halfway decent at any time.

Then there's the sue Sue SUE attorney ads.  No matter what the ailment, they can get you MONEY. And they can do it NOW!  Their close cousins are the drug ads.  If you have suffered from a sore groin, hypertension or death, please call 1-800-SUE-YOU2.

Huh? If you have suffered from death, please call?  Dunno about you, but I'd love to be there to watch that phone call.

Today we got an extremely rare treat.. we got to watch CHIPS on the Antedeluvian Channel.  I never saw the show when it came out but I was aware of it and the fact that it was a joke.  Today I found out precisely why it was a joke.  Absolutely the worst acting, writing and shooting job I have ever seen.  You know things are bad when you find yourself longing for the clarity, wit, and fashion sense of The Fresh Prince of BelAir.

We watched stuff like that?
CHIPS was bloody huge in its day (tell them, Eric).

Also amusing were the wacky antics of the police in ADAM-12.  This museum-view of the police took place when people used dial phones and before police started randomly beating people, shooting dogs, and breaking into apartments, shooting babies, then discovering they had the wrong house.  They used antiquated phrases like 'Yes Sir', 'Yes Ma'am' and 'You get it, Pete.'  There was something odd about police in California arresting lowlifes with southern accents.


THE JOB

So how goes the job hunt?
Apparently pretty poorly, judging from the title of this post.  I hope I'm still going to be amusing when I get a new job.

Since I last wrote, I've been approached for jobs in Arkansas, New York, New Jersey and possibly Saudi Arabia (relocation costs covered!).  When travel time is over an hour, the job stops being local.

I'm told this is the time for information security people.  You'd think that the recent breaches at Target, Home Depot and (horrors!) Dairy Queen would indicate the need for security professionals.  One recruiter told me all the security people are employed (except for this one, obviously).

But I'm online, on phone and on the toilet a lot.  Things are opening up (so to speak).  I'm even in a pilot program from the state to help the unemployed find jobs.  The last time I went to the pilot program, the doors were all locked.  I suspect the pilot crashed.  It does make me wonder why I was specially chosen.  Is it because I'm the first ex-Jew they have ever seen?  Maybe it's because my dog is black.