Bra Burning Had A Lot of Support

• Work has its own way of doing things. The other day I got notice that my request was completed. (Last October)

Let me say something nice about the dog: she comes when called.

Let me say something that was observed: ripping apart all sorts of stuffed animals was bound to have an effect. Her output is very.... colorful.

Dear lefty:

• Sam Suck, from Surrey, Saskatoon, South America, asks when we're going to feature stories on right handed people.
• Dear Suck: you were dropped on your head a lot as a baby, weren't you...

The final, egregious insult to the tv-watching public was just observed: there is a dental commercial in the UK with a spokeslady I like to moon over.  The other day I saw the same commercial in the US and the hottie spoke American.  This is not acceptable. They think we don't know. Although the British accent sounded smarter and more trustworthy.

• After doing the Science and proving that I cannot fly, I decided to stop trying. Even inadvertently. Ever helpful and safety-conscious, Wife went out and salted the ice. This morning we have ice with a lot of holes in it, like Jerry Seinfeld's comedy.

SNOW ALERT!!!!
It's that time again... I think they call it winter.
You know what that means.....PANIC!
There are two storms forecast for the weekend. Last time they forecast a dusting, then 3-6, and we got a dusting.

People were lined up at the supermarket before it opened. It's only a matter of time til the governor tells the National Guard to stop their research on medical marijuana and warm up. Shovels fly off the shelves, ice salt cannot be found, nor can thousand dollar snowblowers. A gallon of milk will go for $27.50 on the White Market and bread will be way beyond your means. Heaven knows you won't find anything in the stores. Except bologna and head cheese, which always seem to be in stock. That's because they're the same bologna and head cheese that were there when the store opened.

• She was watching a movie so old, John Wayne had no rug.

It might be time to leave when your IT department gives you the password password1.

• In the What Could Possibly Go Wrong department, Divers got to swim with one of the biggest great white sharks off Hawaii.

Millions of Oklahoma government files were exposed by a wide-open server. Patients with AIDS and FBI information (1986-2016) were available to anyone for about a week. The server was listed with a site that shows vulnerable servers and open devices connected to the net.

The FBI said not to worry, it was only 3 terabytes of data.

I'm kidding - they said nothing.

• Why you should clear your browser history.

A baby was found dead in a Phoenix Amazon distribution center.

They really need to go easier on their packages.

• Has your email address been stolen? Check at haveibeenpwned.com

Del Rio, Texas, got hit with ransomware attack, taking them offline and back to the ancient times of pen and pad (without the little i in front of it). No word on whether they got everything back together. All it takes to get back up is a good backup and a competent IT staff. I'll guess they weren't doing backups because 'they're not important' and 'we don't have the budget'.

Dear lefty:

• My cousin wanna know if youz coming downa shoor onna weekend.
• Horseradish.

A Microsoft partner portal exposed every support request filed worldwide. How do you measure something so large? Must be half the internet.

• Two people were killed at an Alabama IHOP the other week. Apparently Waffle House was closed.

Braiding Nose Hair

I had a few blogs in the can for emergencies. I guess this qualifies.



An employee of spyware maker NSO Group 'allegedly' stole government spyware and hid it under his bed.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered a new era in spyware and security: Mattress Net. No matter how benign or destructive the software is, it is perfectly safe, stored under the mattress. Unless you flipped your lid and installed an Internet of Things Connected Bed, the mattress has no connection to the Internet, thus cannot be hacked by traditional means. It's so simple and brilliant, no government or spyware company could come up with it.

We all know no system is infallible or 100% hack-proof. Mattress Net is vulnerable to an old hack called Sneaker Net, whereby the software is moved from here to there by someone wearing sneakers. Possibly loafers, but that is beyond the scope of this missive. Also possible is Putin Net, where a very attractive female spy sleeps with you because she just wants to get under your mattress. Lastly there's Parent Net, a very crude hack, wherein your parents clean your room and check under the mattress.

"Simon... I found this USB under your mattress. Are you looking at code porn again? I told you that will make you go blind AND give you Repetitive Stress Injuries! You zero out that drive RIGHT NOW, young man."

• Hey - do you have a Sony, Sharp, TCL, or Phillips smart tv? A feature called Samba TV is probably tracking you, for the purposes of serving more targeted ads. The claim is that you have to opt-in. Samba can identify other devices in the home.
• Don't hook your friggin' tv to the internet. Or your fridge. Or mattress.

Today's question: What's something that seems obvious within your profession, but the general public seems to misunderstand?  (twitter, question via @Mantia)

1. Facebook is foul, evil, and ever-invasive
2. Google's new motto is Do An Awful Lot of Evil
3. Privacy is not possible. You only have as much as you work to claw back
4. People are stupid
5. If you're looking to date hot chicks, IT is not the field for you
6. If you're looking to date hot guys, IT is not the field for you

One way to retain some privacy is to use a safer provider; perhaps one that doesn't read your emails (like Google/Gmail does). You might want to have a look at Protonmail. Protonmail is encrypted. Protonmail doesn't care about the content of your email, provided it's not illegal. You can encrypt your emails directly to your intended recipient, even if they don't use encryption. There are two levels: Free and Not Free. Free gives you what you'd expect: an account and some storage. Not Free gives you a lot more, including IMAP, so your Thunderbird or Outlook can fetch your email. Free accounts must use the web interface or android/iOS apps. Your email cannot be read while encrypted.

I highly recommend Protonmail, especially if you have a gmail account. I know one reader of ThermionicEmissions looked into it and moved all their gmail over, closing that account. Very smart move. Go on over and have a look.

• For some reason, I am not frequently called upon to speak for the gay community. 

Just saw a commercial for a Citroen. After 30 seconds, all I got was that it's available in 32 colors. Not that American car commercials are any better.. look at the stereo...and the usb plugs!

MISSING FASHION

Anybody who has shopped for bathing suits or lingerie knows the Inverse Law of Material: the less fabric, the more it costs. Make yourself a Big Dude or Dudette at parties by telling everyone you know Victoria's Secret: how to get so many to pay so much for so little.

This year, the Inverse Law of Material seems to be showing up in women's fashion like never before. Women can (some say have to) buy shirts that are missing the shoulders. There's a big old hole where the shoulder material used to be. You might be used to it from seeing it everywhere, but for a person seeing it for the first time, it looks like it came back from one of the Mars expeditions. Let me get this straight: you have a perfectly good shirt. Yes. But some Fashion Expert cut out the shoulders. Yes. What happens when it gets cold outside? 

Funny you should ask... my wife, who all of the sudden knows everything about jewelry and clothing, probably from watching HSN until she becomes indistinguishable from the couch, refers to this as Cold Shoulder.

Taking great advantage of this concept, the women's shoe industry has this thing called Cold Ankle, where the material around the ankle is cut out, sometimes with the toe area. This is called Ankle Toe and isn't what you think it is.

Thinking it would save even more money, women's shoes are now required to look like they've been through a shredder. Take what looks like a pretty decent walkable shoe and put it through a shredder, so you have bits and pieces hanging about and can see many areas of the foot, depending on what angle it was put through the shredder. The joke was on the shoe manufacturers, as this  did not save money: it cost a lot of money because they had to purchase industrial shredders, through which to run the shoes. This came with industrial shredder consultants to oversee the operation, and eventually, shredder repair technicians, because they were built in America, in union shops. American unions insist on 10 minutes of break per hour. They also insist on 7 hours per day breaks.

The fashion industry has gone berserk, trying to keep up with the shredding pace. DKNY is selling designer shredded t-shirts, where everything is shredded (except the logo). JeanesCo, the jeans company so fashionable, you've never heard of them, will offer shredded jeans, right next to their pre-holed jeans (neither of which you'll see because you're not important enough and don't know any Kardashians).

Hoping to cash in on the shredding craze, Hanes will soon offer shredded underwear. This will fail miserably, based upon the Holey Principle of Underwear. In their rush to sell millions of Y-fronts, they forgot to beta test the shredded shorts, resulting in all kinds of embarrassing moments, most captured on hilarious and very stupid Hey Look At This video shows.

Shredded bras, meanwhile, stuck out (so to speak) for their incredible popularity with men. They were heartily endorsed by the Free the Nipple and Burn Your Bra crowd. They were also popular with the I'm Liberated But I Still Have to Work career women.

• I sit here, destroyed. Down to my soul. I fear there is no escaping this level of hell.  The kid who mowed our lawn last year can't do it this year. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I'm on suicide watch.

Silicon Valley: located just north of Silicone Valley

Because this is a multi-service blog, and because this is another sign I have too much time on my hands, here's a recipe. Recipe, you say? Yes, recipe. Now that we're done with the confirmations, let's get into it. We'll call it 

lefty's Real Imitation Mexican-like Food Substance

On nights I'm too tired to stand, I can make this in no time.

Refried beans. One can or more of any size.

Packets of Garlic or Spanish Quinoa you get at CostCo

Salsa. Any kind.

Onion.

beef, chicken, pork - fresh or leftovers.

spice - whatever works for you. garlic at minimum.

Dice a few slices of onion. Dump into pot.

Dump refried beans into pot.

Dump meat into pot.

Dump garlic and whatever other spices into pot. I love chipotle powder for its medium heat and smoky flavor.

Heat. Be careful - it heats quickly and boils and blurps - use low heat and stir frequently.

Make the quinoa in the microwave (it takes 90 seconds). Let it sit for a minute and dump into pot.

If your salsa is cold, dump some into pot, to taste. Otherwise put in after.

Dump the glop onto plates. Eat.

It's surprisingly good. 

If you're one of those vegetable people, omit the meat (duh) and don't tell me you're one of those vegetable people. I don't care. No one does, unless they're cooking for you.

The staff of ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce they procured good seats for Jeff Beck/Paul Rogers/Ann Wilson. Further, the staff wants you to know that if they EVER get hold of the evil entity that put together the websites and payment methods, they will not be responsible for their actions. Two operating systems and four browsers later....

Track THIS

An Australian man, working for a Western Australia water management company, was invited to a meeting at work, with their equivalent of Human Resources. Every employee was given a PDA (Public Display of Affection or Personal Digital Assistant, depending on day of the week), to track where they were. His records stated that he was working at different places but there was no report from his PDA/tracker that he was there.

The fella had a thing for a certain snack food. The bag it came in was foil and mylar. He placed the PDA in the bag, which acted as a Faraday cage. For those of us not electronically oriented, it's a device from which no signals get in or escape. This prevented the PDA from ratting him out. A brief investigation showed that he was out playing golf. 140 times. Now there's a man dedicated to his work. Or something.

• it's time for my non-seasonal rant about unboxing. As we spend a lot of time online (admit it - you'll feel better), we might have seen this. This is a activity wherein you take a picture of something you got and post it online. We, who work in IT and have a more evolved and nuanced sense of sarcasm, can find no useful reason for this behavior. We also make Lemon Face when we see people posting pictures of their food. Or stupid Dog Filters.
• This behavior is particularly egregious in the world of musicians. Some perfectly affable gent will take a picture of his brand new, just released effects box. Every reader is excited because they haven't gotten theirs yet or they're waiting for a demo on YouTube, to figure out whether they need this box or not.
• And what greets them, after the headline "New Illudium P32 Explosive Space Modulator"?  A flipping picture. Gee, that's helpful. Stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum, hence the stupid guitar player.

You've got a cell phone. Of course you've got a cell phone.

You have your location services on, either through ignorance, because of the Gee Whiz app, or you simply don't care. Even if location is off, you can still be tracked. What kinds of information is tracked and what might be traced back to you? Some ad companies will allow you to opt-out but want your Wifi and Bluetooth MAC addresses. Yeah, right. Does it matter that Google collected information anyway, after these were opted out?

Whether you have an existing or new android cell phone, here are five simple tips to keep it safe.

• What price security?  Paypal purchased TIO, a payment processor, for $230 million. TIO got hacked into. TIO halted all activities to avoid further losses. Meanwhile, the Personally Identifiable Information of about 1.6 million customers leaked. Paypal announced that it had found issues with TIO's data security program that did not adhere to its own standards.
• This infers that Paypal did not check TIO's security standards.
• Is a $230 million acquisition a mere pittance - too low to bother checking out its security? Where's the line? A billion?
• In addition to not bothering to secure itself (it owns TIO, therefore it's Paypal), the business has provided a lot of grief to a lot of people. Even though I was a customer, I'd advise not using it.

One of the largest (Chinese) manufacturers of drones stands accused of helping China spy on the US. Because we buy Chinese drones.... what could possibly go wrong? Once again, the government keeps us safe.

• It's a good thing the holidays are coming up. We now get treated to all sorts of ridiculous xmas commercials, some showing up as early as Halloween. This year we're treated to talking carrots and meerkats with German accents, that seem to go on forever. The Brits get a continuing story of two people who met on public transportation and are trying to hook up. This must have something to do with a cell phone provider, or why would they bother bothering us with this nonsense. The only reason I don't throw the screen across the room is that the female is cute, with a lovely, understandable Scottish accent. And I can't afford another screen. As I type this, I swear to you that the commercial just came on.

Yeah, I'm old school. Up til the current car, all my tires were cheap and large. The current car has tires that are small, with large rims and tiny (not thick) tires. What do you suppose would happen if current cars used real tires? My guess is a better ride, but I have absolutely no knowledge of tires, except that mine cost over $200 each, where they used to cost $60-80. Aside from the sound of Get off My Lawn, this is a genuine question. Any car people readers?

• Think you're busy this holiday season? The poor folks at Amazon have been working 55 hour weeks, falling down on the job, and taken away in ambulances. Fortunately the problem was solved when the executives jumped to inaction and offered the employees small chocolates.

Everybody's favorite right wing tongue, Gene Simmons, was banned for life from Fox News. According to reports, he barged in on a staff meeting and exposed his torso, shouting, "Hey chicks - sue me!" Furthermore, he told Michael Jackson pedophilia jokes and mocked the intelligence of the staffers.

The article did not explain, however, why he was banned.

• Everybody's favorite perennial presidential candidate, Vermin Supreme, sued after he was denied a permit to bring ponies to a Hillary Clinton book signing.

Vermin Supreme for president

• After brief research, which is the only kind of research I do, Vermin is now a libertarian. Considering the recent candidates, as well as the Guy in the Loincloth, Vermin will be a welcome change.
• Vermin's 2020 slogan: How could I possibly be any worse?
• Before I decide on whether he gets my vote, I want to know if there will be personalized boots for our heads, or will they just say Vermin Supreme on them? How does one go about sizing them?

Today's Stupid Commercial: What worries you most about your financial future?

One of the kids pops up and says, I don't have any money.

• Also overheard on tv: "she's in an advanced stage of pregnancy." 
• What's that - the baby's halfway out?

Marshall Update: as mentioned previously, the oncologist canceled Marshall's last chemo treatment because he was doing so well. This week's appointment was looking around for lesions in his mouth. It turns out he's not fond of fingers in his mouth, much like the rest of us. 

So after all that, the onco wants to operate, to remove the lesion and go with pills for a while. When we got the estimate, one of us turned white, the other turned green. When we said we'd need to think about this, the doc said no problem - it just has to be done within two weeks. With oral chemo, it'll give him 6-9 months. Oddly enough, other options we discussed earlier would give him the same amount of time.

No one mentioned another operation until today.

Can't help but feel we're being led down the Golden Path, only we're giving away all the gold. Last I checked, neither of us are vets, so it's not like we can ask medically relevant questions. As you'd imagine, this is somewhat upsetting.

Mind you, Marshall's in great spirits; eating like mad, drinking like madder, and demanding everything be dropped so he gets what he wants at that moment. He's got bounce in his step, almost like a puppy. He's leaping on furniture he couldn't six months ago. 

The only criterion is that he's pain-free and comfortable.

this is probably a bad blog to read if you're an Apple fan

The Unemployment Follies (#6) - Lefty's Flying CIrcus

Yes, it's another installment of the Unemployment Follies, starring the leftystrat household; the wives, the pets and me.  Judging by the title, you know I'm still without serious employment (or even non-serious employment).

SINKING?

How are things, you ask?
Things are, by and large, still things, only shrunk down by fifty percent. It getting time to call some creditors.  Do you think I can explain to them that since my income dropped by fifty percent, my payments will drop accordingly?

Perception is everything, though.
To anybody looking in, I must look like I'm on some pretty heavy drugs. I spend every day looking for jobs for a few hours, then do some housework (while my wife holds me at gunpoint).  But I'm surprisingly calm.

Of course, I'm probably the only one who's calm. The wife is absolutely Not Impressed with my state of Not Working.  She (et.al.) is in a state of PTSD-induced unrest.  She keeps me on the straight and narrow, memorizing my phone and in-person interviews and asking me if they're still happening.  While the dog is still loving having me home, the wife is definitely not.  Since I have been home, she has taken up a new hobby: laundry.  Nobody knows why but a girl has to have her recreation time.  I tired telling her that it's not necessary to wash clothes every day but there's no dissuading her.  I was kinda hoping she would take up nymphomania but things don't always work out the way one would like.

The neighbor who asked if the house will be going up for sheriff's sale has been really nice, bringing over stuff from the garden.  The other neighbor has been leaving care packages.  For some reason, they include a lot of bread.  Fortunately the dog loves bread, as if we could keep him out of it.  My mom just made us dinner.  We're not destitute by any means but I feel rich in friends and family (ok, and slightly embarrassed).  I even took down the NOT STARVING sign on the house.

AUTO-MOBILE

I'm not exactly certain which neighbors know what but the reactions are priceless. The lady across the street came over to congratulate my wife on the new car.  My wife had to tell her it was a rental.  The good neighbor took one look at the rental car and said, "Oh dear... not again!"  Several other neighbors no doubt think we own a car lot (or are drug dealers).

I have come up with a solution for our next car.  The first part is to NOT LET HER DRIVE.  The other part is to purchase the car and three entire sets of bodies (to be stored at the body shop).  This way, when people hit us (and they WILL hit us), all we have to do is drop the car at the shop and have them replace the body part(s) from our existing inventory.  We won't even have to call the insurance company (at least until we're through the three entire sets of bodies).

Speaking of accidents, my dear wife finally realized that she has a sprained knee and opposite ankle.  This is somewhat compounded by both of her feet swelling like clown feet.  The neighborhood children want to use them for pool floats.  In fact, she's sitting next to me as I type this, blissfully unaware of the content.  Swelling feet are going to look minor in comparison with what she's going to do to me.

Speaking of doing things to me, I have to do my part to help by wrapping ace bandages around her ankles.  Here we are, with this perfect deviant sexual aid, and we're using it for health reasons. Again, I am embarrassed.


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

So when I'm not job-hunting, doing housework at gunpoint or wrapping my wife's ankles for health reasons, there is always TV.  I prefer internet tv, as there's almost always something I want to watch. My wife, on the other hand, lives on broadcast tv. You know, old style, plug in the rabbit ears, horrible reception television.  What makes this really horrible is that she likes to watch ancient black and white movies (from just after they added sound) and really old, horrible sitcoms from before we were born. Leave it to Beaver, anyone?

The absolute worst time of the day is during the day, when all the court shows are on. Judge Lynn, Judge Stanislaus, and the most repugnant (and famous) show of all, Judge Judy.  I am convinced that we can eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to have a whack at Judge Judy with a two-by-four (with a railroad spike in it).  There's Divorce Count, People's Court and Banana Nut Bread Court. After being an involuntary spectator in all of these courtrooms, I figure there's really only one court we need: Grammar Court.  Have you heard how these people speak?

With any tv, you get the absolute best part - commercials.  There is a current commercial for a digital tv antenna that boasts tremendous reception and no cable costs.  For those of us with a functional brain, this is a rabbit-ears equivalent that's being sold as a small miracle.

I also discovered that with a certain cable service, one can DVR up to fifteen programs at once.  This is stunning news, that must be reported at once to either Guiness World Records or your local exterminator.  The first thing that occurs to me is why you need to record up to fifteen programs at once when you can barely find one program that's even halfway decent at any time.

Then there's the sue Sue SUE attorney ads.  No matter what the ailment, they can get you MONEY. And they can do it NOW!  Their close cousins are the drug ads.  If you have suffered from a sore groin, hypertension or death, please call 1-800-SUE-YOU2.

Huh? If you have suffered from death, please call?  Dunno about you, but I'd love to be there to watch that phone call.

Today we got an extremely rare treat.. we got to watch CHIPS on the Antedeluvian Channel.  I never saw the show when it came out but I was aware of it and the fact that it was a joke.  Today I found out precisely why it was a joke.  Absolutely the worst acting, writing and shooting job I have ever seen.  You know things are bad when you find yourself longing for the clarity, wit, and fashion sense of The Fresh Prince of BelAir.

We watched stuff like that?
CHIPS was bloody huge in its day (tell them, Eric).

Also amusing were the wacky antics of the police in ADAM-12.  This museum-view of the police took place when people used dial phones and before police started randomly beating people, shooting dogs, and breaking into apartments, shooting babies, then discovering they had the wrong house.  They used antiquated phrases like 'Yes Sir', 'Yes Ma'am' and 'You get it, Pete.'  There was something odd about police in California arresting lowlifes with southern accents.


THE JOB

So how goes the job hunt?
Apparently pretty poorly, judging from the title of this post.  I hope I'm still going to be amusing when I get a new job.

Since I last wrote, I've been approached for jobs in Arkansas, New York, New Jersey and possibly Saudi Arabia (relocation costs covered!).  When travel time is over an hour, the job stops being local.

I'm told this is the time for information security people.  You'd think that the recent breaches at Target, Home Depot and (horrors!) Dairy Queen would indicate the need for security professionals.  One recruiter told me all the security people are employed (except for this one, obviously).

But I'm online, on phone and on the toilet a lot.  Things are opening up (so to speak).  I'm even in a pilot program from the state to help the unemployed find jobs.  The last time I went to the pilot program, the doors were all locked.  I suspect the pilot crashed.  It does make me wonder why I was specially chosen.  Is it because I'm the first ex-Jew they have ever seen?  Maybe it's because my dog is black.