We're Being Strangled by Wireless Cell Phones

Your love is like  eating some bullets

SIM Swapper Abducted, Beaten, Held for $200k Ransom

I think we have the way out of malware....

Today I identify as  an umlaut

 I was just hung up on in text chat! I didn't even know it was possible.

I have now been hung up on in every way possible. My life is complete.

A $6 charge appeared on my phone bill, out of nowhere. The page told me it was for making a plan adjustment. After waiting 20 minutes for somebody who was hopefully brighter than the chat bot, I was told it's a surcharge and was notified months ago. Yes, I'm being charged $6 extra for keeping my existing plan. But if I wanted to upgrade to their spiffy new 5G unlimited free Apple music Disney+ plan at a similar rate, everything would be ok and God himself would smile upon me. I'd become a rock star and actresses and models would throw themselves at my feet.

That's nice, but I don't want or need that plan. The amount I use my phone is laughable. I never even came up to the 1gig limit when I had a 1g plan. Then they forced me to take a 5g plan, of which I don't use 1g. I don't use half of 1g. But she keeps telling me I could upgrade. I keep looking around the room to see who is typing here, because I kept typing that I wanted a tiny plan with limited data. Between you and me, I think God was getting angry, and I don't blame Him. I was screaming and the dog was barking.

I decided to play their game and asked how much was 'a similar price.'  Are you ready? My already ridiculous plan was going to go up to $105. Or keep paying a $6 surcharge. So I figured we'd play my game and asked her would she pay $105 monthly for a phone she barely used. I had to ask her 5 times because she kept ignoring me and trying to sell me the 5g plan. Her training was excellent, and I told her so, but she wasn't listening to the customer. That's when she 'hung up' on me.

Did I forget to tell you who my carrier is?  It's the one that rhymes with Purrizon. I've stayed with them forever, for the coverage. Not anymore, apparently. To make matters more funner, my phone won't work on the carrier I'm looking at.

I'm not positive who regulates the cell phone industry, but we're going to have a chat about Purrizon, and the industry in general. If enough people complain....

Now, let's talk about a related matter.  If your phone plan is $60 monthly, you're paying $60 PLUS $30 in TAXES, state, and federal nonsense. Your monthly bill is now $90. And I'm pretty sure you're not paying for a $60 plan. This is obscene. It's not the fault of the carriers, unless they tack on other charges. This is from our state and federal legislators. You might want to look at your bill and have a chat with them.

And now, the final chapter of the leftys vs the Hospital 

"Hey, come get me - I'm being discharged," she told me.

Rushing to the hospital with glee (my pet attack cheetah), she said we're just waiting for some paperwork.

Hour 1.

Hour 2.

Hour 3. - I didn't want to interrupt lunch at 2:30

Hour 4  - wait... I think we see a doctor. Flag him down, with a flamethrower.

Hour 5 - "You're a free woman," said the nurse,

Doctors all suffer from some sort of temporal disorder. They have no sense of time, like the DMV. They'll get to it in an hour actually means any time between 5 hours and next month. The hospital process is completely broken in the first place, but the discharge process has jumped ship and took off for Uranus.

Food Delivery Robot Casually Drives Under Police Tape, Through Active Crime Scene

There is no better way to point out that self-driving vehicles are Not Ready for Prime Time than this. No one was mowed down, inside or outside the vehicle. The only thing that would make this better would be a 4 hour gun battle, with police shooting the robot full of lead. And the robot still delivering the food.

What actually happened was a nearby bomb hoax at a high school. While the hoaxers were waiting, they ordered pizzas. Sounds reasonable, no?

Bridgestone has put more than $100M into eco-tires made of shrubs

You must bring me.... a SHRUBBERY

Yes, eventually everything goes back to Monty Python.

Gates-Funded 'Green Revolution' in Africa Has Failed, Critics Say

When philanthropists spend vast sums of money on a project, jubilation and high expectations ensue. But money doesn't necessarily produce results.

A case study, according to critics, is the push for a "green revolution" in Africa, which has spent $1 billion to date, much of it from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

They write these headlines just for me. 

Well, what do you expect from the developer of a failed operating system?

We have been sending billions in aid to Africa, yet things never improve. Why is that?

I know that politicians had themselves exempted from spam laws. Yesterday I got a text from the NAACP, asking me to help get black people to the polls. The NAACP, as far as I know, isn't a politician, although this might tell me more than I wanted to know. I will tell the NAACP what I tell everybody: until there is a left handed history and appreciation month, I'm not helping anybody.

As far as I know, I'm also not black, if that's a requirement.

Of course it doesn't end there.... Google is launching a pilot program to keep political emails out of the junk pile. Not that having a gmail account is a good idea, but how about giving everybody a choice?

Don't want to get run over by a Ford car? There's a Bluetooth app for that

I keep banging the warning gong because self-driving software is just not ready yet, but is being foisted upon an unsuspected public, ready to mow down a few citizens. Ford has a Bluetooth app to keep you from getting run over by a Ford car. It's a great idea in a vacuum, til you realize you can still get run over by every other brand self-driving car. While an interesting idea, it's attacking symptoms instead of the problem. Have I mentioned the range of Bluetooth would require beyond-human reflexes and perhaps a small physics change to allow your safety?

Wanda Sykes used to work for the NSA. Uh-oh. Laugh at my jokes or I'll have you taken to a place where they will never find your bones. That aside, privacy and civil rights groups are putting on the pressure not to air Ring Nation, which will feature video taken from Ring doorbell cameras. They're normalizing surveillance. 

Footage from Ring cameras was used to track and monitor protesters who took to the streets, exercising their First Amendment rights, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. These are not isolated incidents. Racial profiling and racist policing are core components of Ring’s business model, which profits off fear.”

Remember: Ring operates independent of the Fourth Amendment. It has become a huge surveillance network that works without warrants or oversight.

After news that an AI-generated painting won a prize, creative-type people are really seeing red, claiming AI is killing art. Hollywood is working on a statement and we have the draft: How the hell are we supposed to make millions for a movie, so we can walk around and say things, as if we were important and our voice somehow counted for more than the Ugly Americans? We will all have to get real jobs. How can we ever walk on red rugs, get trophies, pat each other on the back, and bitch because we deserved that, if we have to get jobs? It's not like we have the skills to work at convenience stores or gas stations. Society sends us to Hollywood because we have no discernible talent (and some of us are waaay better looking than the rest of you). 

I would never bolster their case, but we said drum machines and rap were killing music. We weren't wrong. 

The Department of Homeland Security (the Motherland) has awarded nearly $700,000 to help keep gamers from becoming terrorists. Security Theater has gone completely off the rails. More of your money will be heading to other known radicalizing activities and trades, such as plumbing, jump rope, sweeping up after elephants at the circus, and working at the DHS. 

Lighthouses Don't Fly

The above is an answer to people who say the Rendlesham ufo incident was just people seeing a lighthouse. This is per someone involved.



New York City is considering its own digital currency.
Unfortunately your purchases will be limited to $16 because $32 is too much to spend and the local government wants to protect you from it.



Speaking of Rendlesham, I just heard (KGRA) a show called Phenomenon Radio. John Burroughs was one of the military people who went outside the base and saw the UFO, 2 nights in a row, in December 1980.

Right after the sighting, he was diagnosed with health problems (atrial fibrillation, mitral valve prolapse, cataract). He got sick and was fixed to some degree. Years later, he got sick again, with congestive heart failure. The doctor was confused about what was happening and said it would be helpful to see his medical records from the Air Force.

When they tried to get the records from the VA, they were told no - the records were classified. They could have the records from before and after Rendlesham, but not during.

Burroughs went to his senator, John Kyle, to help get the records. He was told that Burroughs was not in the Air Force during those years. The VA lied to a senator. Burrows has paperwork and pay records for the time he 'wasn't in the Air Force.' (DD214 form, which the Air Force tried to alter).

Burrows went to long time senator John McCain, whose office did a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for the records. It went unanswered. They could not get any information to show he was in the Air Force at that time.

Some information was released; enough to allow John to get surgery.
Burrows called the VA and was told he was being lied to - there was plenty of paperwork on him being in the Air Force during those years.

Burroughs' lawyer said he wasn't going to take the case because it looked like the VA was going to settle with him. Cheryl Bennett, of McCain's office, continued to fight, providing all sorts of documentation that he was injured at Rendlesham, during a ufo sighting. The records were finally sent to McCain's office, admitting that he was in the Air Force at that time.

Eventually the VA admitted he was at Rendlesham, and that the health issues were caused by exposure to a UFO.  Burroughs was given full medical disability.

DISCLOSURE! The government just acknowledged the presence of UFOs.

• I don't know what to do, but I need to not get it done in a hurry.

All this nonsense about the Royal Family has produced some openings.
I was offered a spot and I get to choose my title.
I'm going with what everybody calls me anyway: Royal Asshole

• I think the president unilaterally deciding to surgically bomb Iran was a good thing. By doing this, he drastically reduced the number of assholes involved in the decision.

Charmin has a 'pooptime robot' that will bring you a new toilet paper roll.
The next version will make a reservation for a seat, set your phone to Do Not Disturb, and warm the seat for you.


No way the cops are using SiriusXM to find criminals.
They're using SiriusXM Guardian.
This On-Star-like service tracks you and can give your info to police.
Rip this shit out of your car, along with any other connected feature.


Apple's scanning iCloud photos for child abuse images.
Yay - fighting child abuse is great!
Uh-oh.. Apple is looking at your pictures. Child abuse now. What's next?
Get yer frickin pictures out of iCloud. Look for a non-cloud solution, or something encrypted that the host can't see.


Google voice assistant acquires an 'undo' command.
Because you're upset that everything you say is listened to by Google, Google gives you an unrelated command to erase something you just said. So considerate and responsive.


Ring employees have been fired for 'improperly accessing Ring users' video data.'  Translated, this means they watched your videos. Note that this is not ONE employee.

[TOLD YOU SO graphic] 
Hey, I can see who's at my door!  
Wait - the police are endorsing these and want my video? 
Ring employees watch my video?



Alex Trebek has his farewell speech planned. There is no word on when he will give it. He's been fighting stage 4 pancreatic cancer since March 2019 and has shared the news with his fans.

Stop for a second and think about what it must be like, choosing to work under a death sentence.

“People all over America and abroad have decided they want to let me know now, while I'm alive, about the impact that I've been having on their existence," he said. 

This is your several-times-a-year reminder to appreciate and cherish the important people in your life. Resolve your differences, because you never know when you won't see them again. Tell people you appreciate them and what they do.



Cosmologists have no idea why the universe seems to be expanding more rapidly than expected.

They should've ask me: it's because the universe is in a hurry to get away from Earth.



A Pentagon official told Newsweek, off the record, than an Iranian anti-aircraft missile shot down the Ukranian 737-800 over Iran by mistake.

They thought it was a 737 MAX and didn't want it crashing into a school.

Speaking of which, the BBC quotes a worker as saying the plane was 'designed by clowns'

Internal emails from Boeing were released.
"Would you put your family on a Max simulator trained aircraft? I wouldn't."

Remember this next time you send email at work. Everything you type can be seen and can be released to the public.

I’m sick of hearing how we celebrities are in some kind of bubble and we don’t understand real life. When I’m out in public and people approach me, I’m always interested in what they have to say to my security detail.        - Pat Sajak

• I'm just not ready for this. "Ordinary Man" from Ozzy, featuring Elton John.
• Yes, anything is better than Cardi B, but still....

If you're still using Win 7 for some reason, this is what happens when support ends (1/14). Hint: there are other operating systems. Avoid Win 10 like the plague.





Dear lefty

• How is 2020 for you so far?
• Well, 18 days into it and nobody died, so I've got that going for me.

Today I identify as  an illegal incandescent bulb. I'm a outlaw.



Heroes of the Stupid

A state senator from Vermont introduced a new bill that would ban cellphone use by anyone under 21.  "Young people are too immature to use cellphones."
Don't stop at 21.


Army veteran has prosthetic legs repossessed after VA refuses to pay for them.
Who thought there would be negative press about this?


Not all queer people believe in astrology — and those who don't often feel alienated from the LGBTQ+ community at large. Read the author's name.

Three Left Hands and Two Left Feet

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bizarrely crazy (or crazily bizarre) on command? I don't plan this stuff.. I sit down and type. The sarcasm comes naturally, but the topics.... I think I channel them. Like from some long-dead comic wannabe who is so incompetent in death, that he can only reach one person among the living. Unfortunately that person is me. Whether or not I'm living is another question entirely.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I steal all this stuff from some other unsuccessful blog.

• Greetings to my visitors from Ukraine. We go way back.. I knew you when you used to be The Ukraine.

I have already warned against the Ring video doorbells.
In my previous rant, they were given to police to shill in their neighborhoods, allowing 'video sharing.' Video sharing means warrantless surveillance. The icing on the cake comes with facial recognition plans, via a neighborhood watch app. Amazon itself has stated this is on its way.

The people shocked by 1984 agree that we're already in 1987.

You're already at risk with the Ring: anything that connects to the net should be bulletproof. Wanna make a bet the Ring is? Who has access to this data besides you?  Are you sharing data with the neighborhood, the police, and Amazon? If not (yeah, right), what is the legal process for the police to obtain the video? Sure, you could turn it over voluntarily, but what if you don't want to? With facial recognition, everybody's going in the database. Nothing good will come from any of this.  How do I know? The same way you do: look at our history... if something can be used, it will. No exceptions. This is another step in Surveillance Society. Like England, we'll not be able to go anywhere without being on camera - including our own front porch.  Combine this with our Alexas, and Amazon has our entire lives, with the police being one click away.

Before you say, "Let them watch - I have nothing to hide," understand that you are guaranteed freedom from illegal search and seizure via the Fourth Amendment (in the US, in theory). This also applies to phone/email/net spying, but that ship has sailed.




Dear lefty

• Why do they call it global warming when it's so cold outside?
• Because you touched yourself too much when you were little.

YouTube has a closed captioning option. I had no idea.
How did I find this out?
The dog.
She thinks she's the only thing allowed on my lap, which is unfortunate when I'm using my laptop. I removed her paws from the keyboard and discovered that she somehow managed to scroll to the bottom of the page and turn on CC. At least one of us has some brains.




In these days of Commercial Excess<tm>, Black Friday seems to be creeping up on us. Not because it's close, but because it keeps getting earlier. Bloody xmas decorations are up in stores, weeks before T-Day. Then the pre-Black Friday sales. Now the Black Friday sales the week BEFORE Black Friday. I got notice of these recently, days before the week before Black Friday.

Fair warning: next year, Black Friday will be on Valentine's Day, and you had better have the lights and tree up before the end of February or the Commercial Police will throw you in Retail Jail.

Last year we finally managed to get a tree up. And when I say finally managed, I mean we definitely stated we were going to have one up. Then it was definitely going up by xmas eve. Then xmas day, but screw it. This year we have agreed early that we're going to have a tree this year, so we'll have even more time not to put it up!  There was a lot to be said for those very silly artificial jobbies, that came right out of the box, complete with lights and ornaments already installed. All you had to do was locate it first (it had been in the way the entire year, so now you can't find it) and put on the single personal ornament you bought a few years ago, but haven't had a tree since, so it's new! You will also discover that you have two trees. You have no idea where the second one came from.

The sales flyers (all in email now) are coming fast and furious. One guitar company has been doing 50% off days. An amplifier website has 15% off everything. They're giving away pedals that aren't 35% off. I tell Mrs lefty about all the money I'm saving her with these sales, but she reacts the same was I do when she tells me how much she saved ME by buying 5 pairs of shoes instead of one.  Look at the advantages... you don't have to shop or wonder what I want, or stand in lines and fight the rest of humanity, many of whom have been up for 3 days on meth and think it's Easter. Simply click the online form, insert payment information, and they'll friggin deliver it, regardless of how much it weighs. If we feel nostalgic for in-person shopping, for a small fee they'll give the delivery driver some meth.



Speaking of saving money, I managed to find the same deal as last year, at Southpaw Guitars (THE lefty guitar store). By selecting a used guitar, I saved my wife $1,000! The $4,000 Custom Shop Fender 1956 Stratocaster reproduction is only $3,000 used, thus saving $1,000. I am willing to make the sacrifice for my wife.  It's at least what we spend on shoes....

Also speaking of which, Peets Coffee has a subscription plan, where you pick your favorite coffee and they'll send as many as you want at whatever interval you like. If you're serious about your coffee, their French Roast is the only thing I drink - highly recommended. If you aren't a dark roast person, they have light and medium, in all sorts of varieties, from countries you didn't know existed, plus teas. No, I don't get anything for mentioning them (the bastards).

• Black Friday deal from a local venue: Air Supply, Dancing with the Stars Live, and Teresa Caputo (aka Hair Helmet).
• No thanks, I'm having elective dental surgery those days.

According to a study, cows might produce better milk when fitted with VR headsets. The study failed when the cows were found tuning into humanality porn.

• Here's a mind-bender. George Harrison watching the Beatles performing 'This Boy'.

President Trump is designating Mexican drug cartels terrorists.
Oh great - War on Mexico. What could possibly go wrong?

• I just saw a listing of audiobooks. Among them was Playboy.
• How does that work?
• Well, you're not getting any, so look at pictures.
• You could listen to the audiobook, because you don't deserve to look at the pictures. You know it's over when......

Speaking of books, I found a few others....

Abnormal Psychology: I don't need a book. All I have to do is look around.
You Are Worth It: No, I'm not.
Why We're Wrong About Nearly Everything: ah, finally a present for your spouse
Facing Codependency: not without you I'm not...
Handbook of Forensic Psychology: learn how the dead think and feel

• Emoji are a vital part of online communication
• How long til they discover memes? Good God.....

Today I identify as bits of string



The FDA has granted permission for a studies of psilocybin for treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).  In other words, if you're seriously depressed, ask your doc for shrooms, man. The FDA's carefully considered medical decision is brought to you by the MMB (Mushroom Marketing Board).

While we're on the subject, another study found that a dose of ketamine may cut down on problematic drinking.  By making the person so stoned, they can't pick up a glass.


India's prime minister has said defecating in the open has ended in rural India.
He is competing for the $150 million contract for California.

• Very large water main break in San Francisco: governor passes law against water main breaks because it might clean the shit off sidewalks, which is racist.

Heroes of the Stupid

An Australian firefighter has been accused of arson.
Firefighting attracts arsonists like priesting attracts...well, you get the idea.


Amazon pulls Aushwitz-themed Christmas Ornaments (?)




SJW Stunts

• To fight stigma, New Zealand is opening an HIV-positive sperm bank.
• New Zealand tax dollars also used to open the first Ebola-positive pancreas bank.

Elizabeth Warren introduced a bill that would revoke Medals of Honor from US soldiers involved in the Wounded Knee Massacre on 1890. This is the kind of prompt action you can expect if you vote for her, the 1/6400th Indian African American candidate.

Fred Sanford - You Heathen!

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