Hack Hack Hacking a Lung

A UK woman, for some reason a model, wants to be so fat she can't move. No, really. He boyfriend, a feeder, is feeding her obsession. She currently weighs 50 stone, which, according to an online converter, is 700 pounds. Regardless of conversion accuracy, she's a flipping disaster. Her plan is to reach 1000 pounds. This is a sexual fantasy, people.  I figure she must have some interesting life insurance and the boyfriend is gonna get his jollies then she's going to die in short order. Apparently nobody told them it's dangerous to be to fat.

Oh yeah.. don't say anything bad or you'll be fat-shaming.

• Apparently fax machines can be radicalized. Yes, binLaden figured out a way to turn your machine against you. If you still have one, keep an eye on it. You never know what it will get up to. The real problem is not the fax machine - the real problem is that the government is getting involved to help us. (article is from 2015)

There is now a petition on Change.org to End Discrimination of Young Women by the Boy Scouts of America. I don't know where these miniature Einsteins come up with this stuff, but it looks like they're serious. It also looks like they're not aware of the Girl Scouts and Brownies. Until the Girl Scouts are petitioned to end discrimination against young men, I'm not signing. The good news is that gays can now join Boy Scouts but atheists are still persona non grata.

• Senate democrats are holding up a Zika funding bill over language inserted by republicans relating to Planned Parenthood. This sounds like a perfect time to enact my One Topic Rule: all legislation will be restricted to one topic only. No inserts or backdoors. One topic.

Amy Schumer says that anyone who isn't a feminist is insane. Amy is a Subject Matter Expert (SME).

• A potential entry for Best Headline: Fish Fraud is Absolutely Rampant. In a recent study, one in five samples was mislabeled. Next time your order flounder, remember that in reality, you could be eating the bumper of a 1975 Pinto.

In a very alarming trend, HSBC bank has become the latest financial institution to allow selfies as a form of identification. This must certainly be the final horseman of the apocalypse.

• Londoners were urged to look out for and report brothels so the government could watch for sexual exploitation. It's for the children. In other news, the IRS has urged Americans to report businesses and people not charging income tax, so the government coud look out for sexual exploitation. Tax cheating is the gateway drug to sex-trafficking.

According to just-released research, over half of 18-24 year old female students experience sexual harassment. one in seven males too. Just short of half 18-24 year old female students and six in seven male students are protesting for the right to be harassed too.

• My best friend got dragged to a Springsteen concert. It was only fair - he drags his wife to his concerts (although his concerts are naturally lots better).  This morning he sent me a link to an article noting that Bruce just broke the record for longest concert held at that venue. It's like being 'volunteered' for the Afghani army. The torture never stops.

My company has done a tremendously safe thing and outlawed Firefox from its desktops. In fact, the system is so safe that even its own administrators cannot install Firefox to the desktops, despite incredibly expensive software and systems designed for just this purpose. Although I require Firefox to perform my duties and have Supervisor Permission, nobody in the entire corporation can install the program.  Just between us, I installed Firefox when I first arrived. The other day I was using it and POOF, it completely disappeared. Uninstalled by itself, by the same system that cannot install it. The institutional incompetence is mind-boggling.

• A woman has been accused of setting fire to a blanket and a control panel on a jetBlue flight. We're sure glad the TSA has protected us against this sort of thing. Good thing she didn't have a box cutter, eh?  Did we have this level of Crazy before 9-11, which went unreported?

In another bold move for equality, Brown University will be making tampons available in men's restrooms. No word yet on where men are going to put them...

• Mark the date: September 8th is National Ampersand Day. Because we've run out of all other days. Well.. maybe National Twig Day. National Belly Lint Day. National Termite Day. National Mother-In-Law Day (although that's going too far).

I know you're asking yourself how to generate a good, safe password. While you're waiting for an answer, here are the top 40 passwords - please don't use any of these:

Think it can't happen to you?

I strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to get your affairs in order. Life insurance for those who will be left behind, will, power of attorney, advanced directive, burial wishes and payment, disposition of your Stuff, etc. Please do this before it's needed. Save those left behind a lot of additional grief and assure your wishes are enforced.

Happy 15th Anniversary

This Blog Brought to You by Peet's Coffee

Intrigue in North Carolina. In case you missed it, North Carolina passed mandating that a person use the bathroom matching their gender on their birth certificate; the only state to do so.  As a result, PayPal will not locate there. Further, Bruce Springsteen and Brian Adams have canceled shows there. You can decide for yourself whether this is a good thing or not. I'd pass any legislation necessary to keep Katy Perry out of my state.

• In testimony, FBI director Comey revealed that he puts tape over his webcam. This is the same guy pushing backdoors into all software. Why does he cover his webcam and why should you? Check it out. In case you were curious (and got hit by heavy construction equipment), I covered mine before Comey.

A Rhode Island man has been ordered to take down more than a dozen dead chickens hanging from trees outside his home.  Is nothing sacred? Doesn't he have a right to decorate as he pleases?

• There is no doubt that if you purchase that bra from Victoria's Secret, you will look like Adriana Lima.

No longer after me Lucky Charms: Arthur Anderson, voice of the commercial, has died at 93.

• SELFIES have caused a surge in lip surgeries in 2015. Wow, someone is benefitting from selfies..

I don't PLAY Guitar Hero - I AM a guitar hero.

• My wife used to do Catholic Aerobics: sit, stand, kneel, repeat.

PRO TIP: always remember to take down your adult swing, before the kids tell the neighborhood you have a swing set in your bedroom.

• A lot of people ask who I am.  I'm that guy. The little red guy on your left shoulder, whispering nothing sweet in your ear.

I sure picked the wrong occasion to discover that baby christenings are very different from ship christenings.

• If you run, you get a heart attack and die. If you swim, you get a heart attack, drown and die. Hardly seems worth the effort.

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.

DINSDALE!

Just in case you're short of good news lately, scientists have identified a new type of sexually transmitted disease (STD) that often has no symptoms (NS). It is estimated that one percent of the porking population is infected. But since it has no symptoms, carry on!

Thermionics send best wishes to Charlie Sheen after his HIV diagnosis. Although none of this is any mystery, we prefer to remain in the 70s, where sex, drugs and rock n roll didn't have life or death consequences. We're behind you, Charlie (so to speak).

• Glass Houses: Donald Trump referred to Hillary's hair as 'massive'.

SCHOOL PC POLICE RUN AMOK

Students all over the country are about to march against debt and for free college. Personally I agree: they should march. Right back to their classrooms. If they think free college is free, their math department is failing to do its job.

A Houston high school just held a Unity Meeting. The sticky point was that only African-American students were invited (parents were not invited either). Administrators stated that the intent of the meeting was to improve the academic performance of the students. So... Unity Day does not invite whites and the purpose of Unity Day was for African Americans to improve their academic performance. If the point of Unity Day was to offend everybody, the school succeeded beyond its wildest dreams.

A nine-year-old Texas boy has been threatened with sexual harrassment charges after writing a love letter to a classmate. This fella is going to need some extended sensitivity training. And nightly cold showers.

• "Sextrepreneur" plans series of hedonistic sex parties in the Bible Belt. The natives are restless: they prefer their hedonistic sex parties in dark basements, public restrooms and Capitol Hill.

A couple goes to a rental storage facility. She undresses, asking if he wants any. He suggests she lay down. She doesn't like that position and strikes him in the head with a solid object. As if that weren't enough to express her displeasure, she moved the car while he was halfway in, running over his foot. The moral: if she wants to, do it, and do it the way SHE wants to.

• A Secret Service agent has been accused of trying to have sex with a female under eighteen.  Aw, it's just not fun anymore. Can't they get back to what they do best? (Columbian hookers)

WHOOPS: The Kremlin says that plans for a Russian long-range nuclear torpedo should not have appeared on Russian TV news. The Kremlin is very sorry and kindly requests that the world forget it saw the news. The Kremlin says that the nuclear torpedo is capable of hitting Missouri.

• Over at Denny's, a woman became unhinged when a waitress told her she couldn't share her $4 all you can eat special with her friends. The police arrested her. University of Missouri students marched, demanding free pancakes for everyone.

Thousands of men around the world are to be sterilized in what organisers dubbed a global "vasectomy-athon". No matter how many of you beg, I am not going.

• The BBC would like to apologize for the following headline: "Stock markets steady but airlines fall"

The Flying Spaghetti Monster triumphs again! After a legal appeal, we can now wear a colander in a drivers license picture in Massachusetts. Next up: Pennsylvania.

• A French airport experienced a traffic backup the other day. This was due to lack of technicians who could work on Windows 3.1.  Windows 3.1. A French airport runs a system on Windows 3.1.  I'm a critic of our Air Traffic Control system but these guys take the cake. Hey guys - got any 5.25" floppies?

The mother of one of the Paris bombers said that he "didn't mean to kill anyone" - he blew himself up because of "stress".  He blew himself up over the stress of having to blow himself up.

A neighbor of one of the suicide bombers was intereviewed. He said the bomber had a nice haircut and seemed to be a nice guy.  

• SELFIES: According to a study by Pew Research, one million selfies are posted on the internet every day - most, 48%, go to Faceyspaces. The biggest offenders are the millenials (born early 80s to 2000s).
• And for a happier life, give up Faceyspaces. A study showed that people who went without it felt happier than others.  I rest my case.

MUSIC

I'm going to take you way back to the seventies. Peter Frampton was huge, there was a gas crisis, and these guys were all over the charts: Bachman Turner Overdrive. BTO came from Winnipeg, Canada, which explains their outrageous accents. Bachman Turner Overweight might have been a good alternate name, but the guys have all slimmed down these days (I say this out of love-they are important to me). You know them from the ridiculously overplayed Takin Care of Business and You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet. Let me see if I can provide a different point of view.

BTO went through a bunch of personnel changes, with the original crew being largely Bachmans, with one Turner. One of the Bachmans left and was replaced by Blair Thornton on guitar. This was the hitmaking lineup. Later on there seemed to be a revolving door. At one point, Randy Bachman (guitarist, vocalist, writer) wasn't in the band. Surprisingly enough, Bachman and Turner reunited recently, sounding like they never went their separate ways. They hauled out all the vintage recording equipment, making this almost another BTO album. As if that weren't enough trivia, Randy was a member of the Guess Who, responsible for the singing guitar in American Woman. Randy's latest release is Heavy Blues and it's damn heavy.

Roll On Down the Highway was another of their hits. They were very popular with truckers and this song was one of the reasons why. They always managed some interesting guitar interplay and the odd tone that worked well in the context of the song. An unsung (sorry) vocalist in the annals of classic rock is C. Fred Turner (the C stands for Cindy. No it doesn't.) His growl is instantly recognizeable. This is one of the few times that bands let the bass player sing. Best lyric: "I'd like to have a jet but it's not in the song"

Let it Ride should bring you right back to the 70s. If you weren't born yet, it won't.

You'd be hard pressed to identify this as BTO. It's called Lookin Out for #1. Randy can play a bit of jazz too.

One of my BTO favorite is Free Wheelin. It's a hot instrumental and dedicated to Duane Allman.

If I had to go with one album, it would be Not Fragile. If you like this sort of thing, I encourage you to dig deeper. Most of the songs remain in memory.

What is this.. Morning of Which You Speak?

The Czech presidential flag, which flies over the palace in Prague, was replaced with a pair of giant red underpants. This further shows how far America has slipped in creativity and protest. Any suggestions for what should fly above our executive palace (White House)? A giant condom? FOR SALE sign?

• In England, there has been an outbreak of 'Super-gonorrhoea'. Yes, Super-gonorrhoea: faster than a speeding Chris Christie, more powerful than Kim Kardashian's ass, able to leap large Colombian prostitutes in a single bound - it's Super-gonorrhoea!  

Why has someone put out an album of Taylor Swift covers?

• Captive Snake With No Male Companion Gives Birth, Again.
• Popemageddon continues.
• Microsoft writes its own linux.
• This is the END TIMES, people.....

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson (uh-oh, Tom) said that Muslims are unfit to be president. His campaign apologized for the remark and stated that what Dr. Carson meant to say was that African Americans are unfit to be president.

• Because of the probability of a nuclear deal, Iran is ratcheting down its rhetoric. Instead of weekly rallies with cries of DEATH TO AMERICA, THE GREAT SATAN, future weekly rallies will feature  NEAR-FATAL WOUNDING TO AMERICA, THE GREAT SATAN.

Secretary of State John Kerry says the US is ready to take more refugees (200,000). Skull and Bones to pick up the tab.

• The Great Unwashed are at it again: Obama supporters sign petition to nuke North Korea. This also explains the story this morning on women voting for Hillary simply because she's a woman.

Companies are offering sex reassignment in their health benefits packages. Meanwhile, I still have a $5500 deductible, Mr. President.

• Interesting fact: through the years, Protestants were afraid of a Catholic president because he'd impose his religion on the country.  Unlike the Protestants and the rest of the Christians. 

Defense bureaucrats are bashing numbers into a database in a bid to develop what the agency hopes will become an automated security scorecard, assessing vulnerability exposure across the country's networks and weapons systems.  A national database of hackable items and vulnerabilities - what could possibly go wrong?

• 49% of US citizens say government is an immediate threat to the rights and freedoms of ordinary citizens

The Pennsylvania Attorney General has been suspended from practicing law.  Note that she has not been suspended from being the Attorney General.

• A US pharmaceutical company bought the rights to a 61 year old medicine and promptly raised the price 5,000%, from $13.51 per pill to $750 per pill. The pill costs about $1 to manufacture. The CEO said they need to make a profit. UPDATE:  "We've agreed to lower the price on Daraprim to a point that is more affordable and is able to allow the company to make a profit, but a very small profit."

I'm learning that what happens in Florida should have stayed in Florida. It usually involves copious amounts of alcohol and is relatively bizarre.  This month's winner would have to be the couple that got drunk (told you so) and decided to have sex in their closet (don't ask me). Drunk Female called out her ex's name twice. Drunk Male became enraged and killed her (as any reasonable person in Florida would). The manner in which he dispatched her left pools of blood and 'stuff' all over the place. Stay. Out. Of. Florida.

This beer-soaked example of humility and grace is said not to be related to this Danish gem, who was found to have the genitals of 21 women in his freezer. For some reason, he does not reside in Florida.

• SELFIE NEWS:  Selfies killed more people this year than sharks. An embarrassed spokesman for sharks said they would try to do better next year.

Parents killed their two-year-old daughter because they thought she was possessed by demons. Kim Davis not available for comment.

• Scotland has 421 words for snow. And, according to tradition, you can't understand a single one.

Lancaster, CA has introduced iris scanners for school buses for special needs students. It's for the children.

• Donald Trump says he's the rare republican who can woo black voters. "Negroes love me. I have fried chicken and grape soda."

No greater an American legal authority than the pope has stated that government workers have the right to refuse gay marriage licenses. His Holiness also said Hillary's use of an external email server is unconstitutional and called President Obama a pussy.

• A New Hampshire man stole $1,000 of drills from Sears and left, making chicken noises. Because elephant noises are better for stealing couches.

TECH CORNER:

AVG Antivirus has announced it will begin selling users' personal data to advertisers. There is allegedly a setting in AVG that will stop some of this but I don't use it so I'm not positive. Please check it out. One alternative is Avira (also free). Please read the fine print.



ENOUGH. LET'S LISTEN:

Les Dudek doesn't get a break, although you've no doubt heard him. He helped with Boz Scaggs [Silk Degrees]. He played with Cher (pre-facelifts) and Steve Miller. He also played on the Allman Brothers' Ramblin' Man - check out the tasty guitar work and vocals. He makes the most of a trio format. That voice does not seem to belong with that man. As soon as I started listening to Les, it hit me like ton of bricks - he had a lot to do with the Allmans.

Gonna Move has a great groove and has been covered by many artists. Is that an African Blue? Beautiful plumage.

Old Judge Jones sounds like it should have proven a hit. Works for me.

Jailbamboozle is a cool title as well as a cool tune. You can hear Jeff Porcaro and David Paich (from Toto) on drums and piano. Bizarro 70's groove.

One of my favorites is Deeper Shades of Blues. After enjoying it, I realized that this song is essentially Still Got the Blues, by the late, lamented Gary Moore. No idea which came first.

GUITAR PLAYER BONUS: Here are Dickie Betts and son showing you how to play In Memory of Elizabeth Reed. Why hire a second guitarist when you can breed one? The DNA definitely delivers.

 Yes, it's a Chow in a stroller

White KKK Leaders Outed as Blacks

Headline of the Month: Jared underage sex shock - Enjoy a foot long in jail!

• Follow the script, people: In St Louis, police shot and killed a black man who pointed a gun at them. There were protests. People threw bricks and bottles at the police. The police used tear gas. A car was set on fire and businesses were burglarized. Days before, a 93-year-old Tuskagee Airman who lost his way pulled over in the neighborhood to call his daughter and was robbed. When he asked passersby for help, he was carjacked. 

Animal rights activist beaten with duck in Spain. Spain - a country of irony. Next week: Hillary Clinton beaten with a server.

• Mexico orders toll for pedestrians crossing border. Note there is no toll to get OUT of Mexico.

Three Americans and a Briton receive France's top honor for thwarting subway attack.  The gunman, with an automatic weapon and handgun, claims he was only there to rob people. After the Legion of Honor ceremony, France formally surrendered to the heroes. You think I'm kidding? "...passengers were abandoned by staff, who ran and locked themselves away in a service room."

• Fire broke out as a result of an explosion at a US Army base in Japan. Nothing is known about the explosion at all but the Army is positive that it is not the result of terrorism and that nobody important got hurt.

BBQ Gentrification:  Just when you thought you'd never go near a restaurant again, we are apparently in the early stages of a barbecue boom!  And since we didn't know about the boom, we also didn't know to wonder whether the food's African-American roots are being forgotten. See all the thoughtful shit we bring to you?

• Sharing child care improves sex lives of couples. Actually, not having kids improves sex lives.

A 3-D printed violin? Very early in the process but this has great potential. Never mind that it's not made of wood (BURN HER!).

• What do the Bangkok bombing and Auschwitz-Birkenau have in common? People are taking selfies there. We are a sick planet. I used to work with a comic who imagined a terrible traffic accident and some guy in a minivan who told his wife and kids to go over there and stand near the body - I'll take a picture. Gawker Culture at its best.

Duing a counter-protest to the Planned Parenthood protest, Temple of Satan members 'drowned women', simulating water-boarding to "illustrate the theocratic agenda imposed upon female bodies."  Satanists - always fighting for your rights.

• Salad is overrated and has a negative environmental impact. Told you so.

Woman's body stolen from funeral home.  Perhaps they can return it for the $20,000 reward once they're through taking selfies with it and posting them on Faceyspaces.

• Guess who's the worst president in history? Although there are tons of eligible candidates, only one came up on top. I won't spoil the surprise (his name rhymes with push).

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - they're easier to bomb when you know where they are.

• This week is one of many anniversaries: Windows 95 (Zero Factor Authorization) is 20, linux is 24 and Katrina is 10. Leo Fender would have been 106. I stopped at 18. And September 26 is National Dog Day.

Remember the female Viagra pill that got turned down twice by the FDA as ineffective and unsafe? Due to pressure from the manufacturer and women's groups, it has been approved. Now women can have their own horribly expensive pill that probably won't work and causes all sorts of negative side effects! What a win for equal rights.

• A man was stabbed outside the screening of "Straight Outta Compton". In other news, two men were sued outside screening of the reissue of "Fiddler on the Roof".

I just figured out who's flying all the drones around airports and a recent incident near a prison: the Secretary of the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services is going to ask for up to $400,000 per prison for drone detection equipment. 

At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, this won funniest joke: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."  If this sort of thing appeals to you, go to the link. If not, here's a lovely picture for you:

Hey Hey, it's the Music!

C'mon - everybody's favorite guilty pleasure is The Monkees. From their Prefab Four moniker to their tv show to their recent tours, they're stronger (and older) than ever. Contrary to popular perception, they did play their own instruments after a while, including at concerts.  Unfortunately Davy Jones passed away a few years back. Fortunately Mike Nesmith rejoined after many years' absence and tours ensued (I saw them twice last year). Their tv show was very successful, as they were very good in front of the camera and the writing was of high quality. The show survives in syndication and has returned every little while, to great acclaim. New generations keep discovering The Monkees - for good reason.

You probably know Daydream Believer, featuring Davy on vocals and Fab Dance Moves. It's a great sing-along and clocks in at 2:46. Davy was a child star (like Mickey Dolenz) and stage actor. Enjoy the wacky antics of the group and the really trippy set.

The lads did not confine themselves to recording and television - they also made a movie called Head (cowritten by Jack Nicholson). There were many contemporaries in the film, including Annette Funicello, Dennis Hopper, Terri Garr and the incomparable Frank Zappa (oddly enough, a huge fan).

You Just May Be the One is a Mike Nesmith tune. Mike does not get his due. His mother invented liquid paper and he has a successful solo career. He almost invented country rock, although he will not take credit.

Randy Scouse Git is a wild romp through psychedelia and kettle drums. Mickey looks like he's wearing a tablecloth and displays his scatting and vocal talents. He's a very good singer and front man but also does not get credit for it. He started as a guitarist and continues to play it in concert. Mickey had to learn the drums for the group, as Mike already played the guitar. ANECDOTE: the title was apparently a serious insult in England, so they released the single as Alternate Title there.

Valleri was a favorite of mine (and many others) from the early days, possibly because of the fuzzy guitar and really fast guitar solo. The solo was not played by Mike, as mimed here. He readily admits that he's not a very good guitar player. He did hold things together live.

I really want the Monkeemobile. There were eight manly cylinders in it, it could carry the entire band plus groupies and the header(?) popping out of the hood probably blinded the driver.