Here it is, the day I've been waiting for.
THE SUN!
It's out and as bright as ever.
It is confusing the hell out of me.
It makes me want to do stuff.
I'm full of energy.
I should really clean.
Yup. Clean.
I feel like cleaning.
Like I feel like going outside in the 41 degree sunshine and dancing naked.
It's 2018.
Have you noticed how quickly things get into public domain after they happen? I'm talking politics and Bad Stuff in general.
Notice how long after a scandal breaks, we get the news and frequently the perp. Same with mass shootings (except Las Vegas).
Russian collusion in the election. Russians and Trump. Obama henchmen, entrenched in high positions. Leaking on a massive scale.
[Jay Leno voice]
Hey, what's with these mass shootings, especially in schools.
Before Columbine, it barely happened.
Now it's every few weeks.
Are the kids that mad about homework?
Faceyspaces has fired Cambridge Analytica for harvesting the demographics of 50 million subscribers, without their knowledge, and providing it to the Trump campaign. The cynical (you rang?) would say they were fired because they helped Trump. The slightly less cynical would notice that Faceyspaces said, "If there's anyone violating personal information, it's going to be US."
- In case you missed the news, gay sex robots are on the rise, so to speak, at a brothel in Spain, allowing straight men to experiment with homosexuality. Among other features, the doll has a customizable penis. What is a customizable penis? Can you order colors, sizes, glowing, and monogrammed? Does it go limp and ask for Viagra?
- I don't care what you want to do with/to the doll or what you do at brothels, or what you do at home - it's none of my business. My small question is how straight men experiment with homosexuality. Wouldn't they fail to be straight at that point? Do law-abiding citizens experiment with thievery?
- At the brothel, the dolls are available for rental. In other news, businesses in Spain are hiring maintenance people to clean lifelike dolls at hourly intervals.
Pelosi Watch
To cheers from the masses, Nanci Pelosi announced her retirement in 2016. She decided to stay on to ensure Washington had at least one woman in power. The bar is pretty low, apparently. We used to vote for candidates based upon their lies qualifications. Now we vote for them based upon their plumbing.
Pelosi wanted to let everyone know she's not going anywhere. Some Democrats are running against her because she's politically toxic and they don't want her as their leader. If I were a democrat, I'd vote for that senile old guy with the coke bottle glasses on the Sopranos. Oh wait, he's already there.
Highlights from Pelosi's speech to female congressional candidates:
They tell me my medicine isn't working, but I say HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.
We will not stop until California is 99% illegal aliens. Who among us hasn't had a gang bang with Mexicans and their horses - amirite, ladies?
I promise more rocks in salads.
And in closing, I say vote for Trump in 2020!
In a 6 minute video, Nancy has 23
brain glitches while giving a speech at the Office of Strategic Services.
She's the perfect candidate to lead both political parties; old, frail, and failing.
Who's more unstable: Pelosi or the people who keep re-electing her?
On the other hand, she's a goldmine of material.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- best headline of the week: "Inked EVERYTHING at body art convention" Wait - are you trying to tell me that people.. have tattoos... at a tattoo convention? Wow - who could've seen that coming?
On hiatus from packing to leave the country after Trump was elected, Barbara Streisand said she was never sexually harassed and joked it might be because of her looks. Of course I'm kidding. It was her personality.
- In England, a man kicked out of a club took revenge by ramming his Suzuki into the club. Lives were saved when the Suzuki crashed into the front window of the club and immediately collapsed into a small plastic ball. Police escorted him away but declined to charge him, saying that the way people in the club laughed at his little thing was punishment enough.
Over in Kabul, parents named their child Donald Trump, hoping that he would be as successful as his namesake. This is not going over well for some reason. Some Faceyspaces users have issued death threats, forcing the parents to close their account. I say anything that causes people to close Faceyspace accounts is a good thing, even death threats.
This poor child has no idea what awaits him as he meets other children. Other youngsters who had a rough childhood are Leslie Neilsen, Marion Morrison (who couldn't take it and eventually changed his name to John Wayne), and Bernie Schwartz, who changed his name to Tony Curtis, to make himself sound less Italian.
- What flavor are white jellybeans?
- speaking of which, I'm a huge fan of Jelly Belly cinnamon and hot cinnamon. It's been a while since I consumed an entire pound of them, so I went to Amazon, where everything's cheaper. A pound of frickin' Jelly Bellys runs $9-12. Sometime in the near future, people will abandon hard currency and bitcoins, trading instead in Jelly Bellys. The government will announce a War on Jelly Bellys. Every airport will contain Jelly Belly detecting dogs and air ionizer testing machines. China will start counterfeiting Jelly Bellys, some better than real ones. TSA agents will be retrained to check all possible hiding places for Jelly Bellys. You will be prohibited from carrying more than 3oz of Jelly Bellys on the plane. Shoe and crotch bombs will no longer be searched for, along with guns. Huge ships and little cigarette boats will be stopped. Illegal aliens will be pushed to the side, as customs agents swarm the boats, in search of the sugary little devils. Women will purchase $1,200 Coach bags, with a small, undetectable pouch for their Jelly Bellys. The underground trade in Jelly Bellys will far surpass all narcotics combined. Children with dead eyes will wander the streets, asking people, "hey man - got any Bellys?" The stock market will have trillions in activity on Belly futures.
- what's that thing between Unfinished Idea and Beating a Dead Horse? Oh yeah - Just Enough. Can somebody explain that to me?
A gorilla at the Philadelphia Zoo has been walking around on two legs when carrying something. Keepers say he doesn't like to get his paws dirty. He even avoids mud.
It's not bad enough that our chemicals are turning frogs gay, growth hormone from cows is getting into our bodies, and there's Prozac in the water... now we have OCD gorillas. When he's not out gathering food, he's washing his paws.
* My mom said that when I was little, I came in and washed my hands every time they got dirty. My wife says I need to get out of the house and get my hands dirty. You cannot please women.
Upside Down World
- A Democratic congressman from Long Island implied that Americans should grab weapons and oppose President Trump by force, if the commander-in-chief doesn’t follow the Constitution.
- Rep. Tom Suozzi made the remark to constituents at a town hall last week, saying that folks opposed to Trump might resort to the “Second Amendment.” This guy essentially threatened a sitting president. Oddly enough, that's one of the things the Second is for.
- This is the party that wants the Second Amendment destroyed. That doesn't want you to have guns. In unrelated news, republicans are urging women to have abortions if democrats don't pass anti-abortion legislation.
The pope condemned prostitution as torture and asked for forgiveness for the men who patronize them.
--
no word on child molestation.
- The Austin Bomber done blowed himself up, as police got close. It was rather considerate of him. He saved the city a lot of money in court costs
- The police believe he is responsible for all the Austin bombings. This is slightly different than the previous evening, when the explosion at Goodwill was not related to the bombings at all.
- The police accessed the bomber's Google search history and discovered that he was looking up other Austin addresses. This proves the need to use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you, plus set your browser to forget everything you do, or browse in private mode.
- President Trump tweeted "AUSTIN BOMBING SUSPECT IT DEAD. Great job by law enforcement and all concerned!"
- Twitter and Reddit exploded with the news that the president tweeted in all caps and condemned him as stupid and a dumb motherfucker.
A woman in Spain died from an allergic reaction to bee stings. While this isn't a rare phenomenon, she died during a live bee acupuncture procedure, where bee stings are used instead of needles. If the procedure hadn't worked, doctors were going to attempt the live elephant trampling procedure, which uses elephants instead of running the patient over with a car.
California's Stupid Backfires
- One day after Orange County, California, supervisors voted to spend more than $70 million to house the homeless, residents in three rich cities expressed alarm about a proposal to set up "camp" shelters in their communities.
- People in the communities are apoplectic. They're crying NIMBY! (not in my back yard).
- Some homeless are currently in hotels. Since we haven't been able to afford a vacation since the Iraq War, we're flying to Orange County next week, and claiming to be homeless. We will demand a nicer hotel, in a better neighborhood. One with a view. Close to the beach.
- To date, California has provided 80% of the country's GDP (Goofy Domestic Product, which measures the ridiculous and humors news).
Axe-throwing is gaining popularity. People are flocking to New Jersey to throw axes. They are going back home at record rates, when they discover that you have to throw the axe at a wood target.
- New York City, in a desperate bid to out-stupid California, has proposed a bill that would disallow smoking while walking. This is the same city that protected people from the scourge of soda by banning containers over 24oz.
- Next week, New York City will solve their burdensome traffic issue by banning cars.
In a desperate bid to out-stupid his entire party, Joe Biden said he would have 'beat the hell out' of Trump in high school. Trump really brings out the humanity in people.
- The bad news: there's a box that unlocks up to date iPhones.
- The really bad news: local police are buying them.
- not that we have much of a Fourth Amendment as it is....
After the Faceyspaces debacle, if you're silly enough to remain connected, here are a few ways to protect the micron of information you have left.
And while we're on the subject, a fellow downloaded the data Faceyspaces has on him. There were two years' worth of phone call metadata from his Android phone, including names, phone numbers and the length of each call made or received. Is this ok with you? This is just the beginning.
- According to Bloomberg, the music business is seeing its fastest growth in more than 20 years. Don't encourage them.
The Wall Street Journal informs us that the demand for American sperm is skyrocketing in Brazil. Wealthy single women and lesbian couples are the big buyers. I've seen quite a few Brazilian women and I'd fly there to donate personally.
- Video of the Las Vegas shooter has emerged. Six months after the tragic event. It doesn't take six months to edit video. Within a few days, the Austin bomber was identified and dead. This pattern repeats, almost unfailingly.
- I have no idea what anyone's up to, but it doesn't take a seasoned detective to notice something's off. Where there's smoke...
