Showing posts with label osama bin laden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label osama bin laden. Show all posts

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Don't Forget to Change Your... never mind

I can't figure this time change out.
Arizona is a great place for a number of reasons, one of them being no time change.

One of the many reasons I love my mom is that she always reminds me to change the clock.
I remembered on my own this time (you'd think I'd have it down after all these years) and that's where things got weird(er)....
I set my alarm clock back.
Phones set themselves back automatically, but I had to set a new alarm. I typed in 7:30am and it changed to 8:30am. If I start an hour late, that wouldn't be good. No amount of fiddling would set the correct time.
So this morning, the phone went off an hour early. When the alarm clock went off, at the correct time, the display ran an hour late.
It's a wonder I get anything done at all.


  • The governor of Texas says he thinks the recent church shooting was not random: the shooter had a connection to the church. He declined to elaborate further. When I have a problem with my family or church, I let them know. Usually without an automatic weapon.
  • His mother-in-law worshipped there. He sent her threatening texts. Who among us hasn't sent their mother-in-law threatening texts?


I'm trying to tune into bias in news. It's not difficult to find, especially MSM - mainstream media. We know who CNN/NBC/CBS are playing for. We know who Fox is playing for. We know that, like politicians, none of them is playing for US.

Today I was listening to NPR interview the attorney general of Texas, who recommended concealed carrying to church. The interviewer sounded like the top of his head was going to come off and his heart was leaping out of his body. I hope they got those professional crime scene cleaners in afterwards.

  • A woman in New York is blaming her car's GPS for leading her straight into a river. It's a shame it didn't tell her to shoot herself.

ME: I'm looking for the Q file. Is that in the 2017 set?
COWORKER: We should be able to find them all.
COWORKER: But we don't see a lot of Q.
ME: answer the ($&#ing question! My wife could kill you and no one would ever find your body.


  • The latest game from our friends at the CIA is "What's on Osama bin Laden's Hard Drive?"  
  • I'll take porn for $500, Bob.  You're right - everybody has porn!
  • Copyrighted material: Cars, Chicken Little
  • National Geographic and CNN documentaries on himself - no selfies?
  • Many of the documents contained malware, proving 'criminal masterminds' are every bit as security conscious as 'plain schmucks'.
  • The irony is that the CIA gave us bin Laden



Ever wonder how Faceyspaces figures out everyone you've ever met?
No.


  • So that Equifax leak... security expert Bruce Schneier testified in front of Congress on the topic. Very interesting read.


If you purchased a Mantistek gaming keyboard, don't worry; it is not sending your keystrokes to China. It is sending the number of keystrokes to China. That's much better, isn't it?


  • A Qatar Airways flight from Doha to Bali made an unscheduled stop in India. A lady used her sleeping husband's finger to unlock his phone and discovered evidence of infidelity. She very calmly started beating him, forcing the plane to land. 


A man in Germany went out for a beer. While out, Alexa (the Amazon spy device personal assistant) decided to have a party on its own. Alexa, for some reason, decided to play very loud music after 1am. The police had a locksmith break in and install new locks. They turned off the music. When the man returned home, he had to go to the police station, where there was a nice sized bill and keys waiting for him. Amazon has not commented on the incident. It turns out Alexa was partying with all the other Alexas on the block. Amazon told it where they were, their mean income, members of the household, and their sexual histories.


  • Faceyspaces has a program to stop revenge porn. This means the lawyers have spoken. Get this: they want you to upload your personal porn, so they can keep a record of it in case someone tries to upload it later. They were instructed to CC me also. If you too want to be on the CC line, contact me with your email address and a small contribution for the Marshall Vet Bill Fund.

Only eleven percent of cyber workers are women. Kaspersky conducted a survey, which found out 52% did not have any interest in cyber, and 45% didn't have any idea what it was. 57% did not have any experience in coding. Kaspersky said 'This suggests a need for young girls to have access to advice and information about the industry at a younger age so they don't rule it out in favor of more traditional occupations.' We must siphon them off before they become lawyers or Victoria's Secret salespeople.

What is the mad rush to get women in the field? If you think about it, this is sexist. What other groups are being pushed to be hired? Homosexuals? Asians? Seventh Day Adventists? The homeless?

If I were an interviewer or staff (I have been both), I'd want the best and brightest- the most competent for the job. I don't care about gender, hobbies, skin color, or niche sexual practices (well, a little). There is no oversight, although People of Color and Hispanics are keeping track, at very least. One boss told me specifically that left-handedness was not to be a criterion (bastard).


As is painfully evident, I love women. I've worked with quite a number of them; all of whom answered ads and were interviewed and vetted. They got no special treatment - they were the best person for the job. As a result, they became team members.




Let's hit the Wayback Machine [woooo music]....
I'm in sixth grade or so. I sit next to a pretty cool girl and we talk. I ask pointy questions and she's very difficult to make turn red, so she's a challenge. Apparently she's not the only challenge.

I'm a bit thick. And when I say a bit thick, I'm bloody clueless about women. Most people are, but I have an extra layer of oblivious, that makes me even more special. If a woman were to sit next to me and put her hand on my genitals, while keeping her gaze locked on me and licking her lips, I'd wonder what her hand was doing there - is it possible she doesn't know she put it there? I would then proceed to let her know, very gently, that her hand was there, in case she didn't know. To this day, my wife laughs and repeatedly notes how out in space I am when women are attracted to me. At shows, she'd watch and comment later on the blondes who were chatting me up. Huh? What blondes? The ones you were ignoring while trying to pack up and get out of there. What blondes? Huh? So I'm a bit thick.

One day my little friend and I are sitting in home room, talking away. It occurs to me that she's wearing a shirt that.... her top was fashioned in such a way.... the shirt had prominent..... HOLES in it. Well, not holes exactly... kinda like a sweater, but knitted in a very loose way so there were 1/4" empty squares all over it. There were more intentional holes than yarn.

I thought about this for 1/4 of a second, wondering the purpose of this, and noting that there was no support garment underneath it. Ever the pussy gentleman, I asked her if she knew there were holes in her shirt.

It would be fair to say that even if the poor girl had a baseball bat and took it to my head while explaining why she wore the shirt, I still wouldn't have understood.

Regardless of how incredibly oblivious I was, I could not stop examining those bits of shirt where there was no material.






Monday, June 6, 2011

The Death of Doctor Death [and stuff]

Rest in peace, Doctor Jack Kevorkian.  Dr. K (83) died after throwing an embolism.  This was also stated as natural causes, depending on which article you read.

I believe Dr Jack is a national (world?) hero and should be honored for his actions and the courage of his convictions.  The notion that any government can hold itself above a person's sovereignty is ludicrous.

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The Richmond Federal Reserve building is flying a gay rights rainbow flag.  Good for them.  The real fun here is the reaction from some of the anachronisms.  Republican Robert Marshall says the homosexual behavior “celebrated” by the bank “undermines the American economy.”

I think I speak for most of America when I say "Huh?"

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Was Bin Laden deprived of sitting with Allah and seventy two virgins because the bullet that killed him was coated with pig-fat gun oil?  Yes, says Silver Bullet Gun Oil.

At this point I'm wondering what's sillier: believing in an afterlife with seventy two virgins or believing one will be denied said afterlife because of pork?

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Rabid beavers are apparently on the loose in Philly.  Three people have been bitten by at least one beaver which tested positive for rabies.

Speaking of Philly, people were shocked to discover a dog hung from a tree.  The details are disgusting and it made news all over the place.  Just today it was announced the animal was not a dog - it was a beaver.  Apparently Philthydelphians are having a difficult time telling the difference.

Rabid beavers might be the only sane explanation for the Philly Police arresting a man for carrying a gun.  The only problem here is that Pennsylvania is an open-carry state.  This means you can legally carry a firearm, so long as it's visible.  You need a permit to conceal a firearm.

Great job, police; arresting a man exercising his legal rights.

District Attorney (and part-time fish-fondler) Seth Williams also chose to play ignorant (going with his strengths?).  When Williams finally realized there was no crime here, he chose instead to charge the man with nuisance crimes.

It's astounding to me that ignorance of the law is no excuse, unless of course you are a law enforcement officer.

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President Giveaway's latest attempt to (further) befuddle the citizenry turns out to be a Golf Summit.  Previously the president held a Beer Summit.  I figure that since he has managed to accomplish precious little, why not make the summits a bit more interesting.  How about Stripper Summit?  Chocolate Summit.  Ice Cream Summit.  Guitar Summit.

What kind of summit would you like to see?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Bin Laden's Porn Doth Protest Too Much

There are things that are certain in life - generally these are known to be death and taxes.  In my own alleged wisdom, I'd like to add a few more, namely hacks and porn.

Now we all know I'm pretty skeptical about the entire Bin Laden episode (not to mention everything else in life) but for the purposes of this post, I'm going to go with what the press has been told to carry.

Among the goodies found in the compound were flash drives used for a roundabout form of email.  Among the emails was found porn.  The collection was referred to as extensive and modern.

Of course they found porn.  Porn is ubiquitous, like tax increases.  The only thing more sure than porn is porn found on religious icons who are specifically against it.  Where did some of the alleged hijackers spend their last night on Earth?  Getting lap dances.  The more hot air expelled on the topic, the larger (and stranger) the collection of porn.  Think televangelists. Or priests.  Or very pious republicans.

Why would Bin Laden want porn?  Because he's a guy: guys love porn.  Some women love porn.  Men are visually stimulated, women not so much.

Let's take a moment to get serious (I promise - just one moment): porn is part of a very necessary process, a release valve.  When there's no release valve, pressure builds up.  When pressure builds up, bad things can happen (see: priests).


Ok, enough seriousness.  I just wanted to bring you this news.
Simply because it amuses the hell out of me.  Bin Laden had porn - nyah nyah!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Wife Sues Husband for Depriving Her of Conjugal Rights

A Dubai woman is suing her ex-husband for $12 million for depriving her of conjugal rights.

This stuff almost writes itself.

And here we are, making jokes about suing our wives for lack of consortium.

So anyway, the woman is claiming mental anguish over being denied boom-boom.  Imagine what would happen if this were to infect the American legal system...

She married the guy, who failed to sleep with her for four months.  It turns out that the fellow had erectile dysfunction (and failed to make use of the internet's largest spam generator).  The guy had something going for him, reportedly being married twelve times.  I'm thinking money (and lots of it).

The case is of great interest in Dubai, due to it being the first of its kind, in a very conservative country.

IN OTHER NEWS...


The Early Darwin Awards will no doubt feature North Charleston, South Carolina's Dexter White (41).  Old Dexter felt he had been shortchanged during his most recent crack purchase, so he called 911.

Fortunately Dexter remembered to smoke the crack he purchased before calling police, who, for no apparent reason, locked him up.

WIN A PRIZE! 


Here's our first Reader Contest ever:  The first reader who can tell me the outcome of the legal case mentioned above will win first prize: naked pictures of Nancy Pelosi, dancing the Watusi over Osama Bin Laden's body (before it got tossed into the sea). 

If you can tell me the outcome of both legal cases mentioned above, you will win the grand prize: naked pictures of Nancy Pelosi, dancing the Watusi over Osama Bin Laden's body (after it got tossed into the sea).

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bin Laden and Kennedy, Together Again

Pardon my skepticism upon hearing that Osama bin Laden, CIA asset, has been not only killed, but buried at sea.

As a patriotic American, I felt a twinge of interest at the news, but then my rational thinking kicked in, eliciting my normal brand of skepticism and sarcasm.  My poor wife, who gave me the news of OBL's death, kept reiterating that she was just passing on the news, as I snickered repeatedly.

Remember that John F. Kennedy was buried at sea.   Funny that; the chance of autopsy or any testing at all becomes naught once a body is `buried' at sea.  Now we have a pretty good idea that the Kennedy affair did not go entirely as stated, he said, with typical British understatement (even though he was not British).  I am forced to suspect that OBL's funeral was more of the same.

The stated reason for burial was that the muslim religion wants to bury the body within twenty four hours.  Wasn't it incredibly considerate of the government to observe muslim tradition?  I wonder why they just didn't put the body in the ground, like most other muslim funerals.

Just for your amusement, I present a report from Fox News from 2001, stating that bin Laden had died.  And another stating that he is in very poor health.  Not to mention many reports about failed audio analyses and strange `current' pictures with different size noses over the years.

Many friends have asked me the big Why Now question.  Well, I can't say exactly, but watch and learn.  See what happens as a result.  Already the terror threat level has been ratcheted through the ceiling.  This is either a distraction or to someone's benefit.  Remember: follow the money.

And speaking of distractions, how about that wedding?

Q. What is the definition of wedding?
A.  Funeral where you can smell your own flowers.