Swedish Meatballs Are Made with Octopus

Your love is like   an IRS audit

We escaped the house over the weekend and found ourselves in a very large Swedish home furnishings store, that has an actual cafeteria with Swedish meatballs. At least it had Mt Dew too, although we didn't go near the meatballs. My back was giving me grief, so I brought ibuprofen, then realized I didn't bring anything to drink. VOILA - 2 water fountains. I popped the ibu in my mouth and went for water. Annnnd the water fountain didn't work. Either of them. Have you ever tried to swallow pills without water? It's similar to swallowing cotton balls (don't ask). Mrs. lefty said they're probably shut off because of Flying AIDS. I don't care - put a damn sign on them - don't leave them sitting there where people are bound to try to use them. I found a bathroom, praying I could use its sink, provided it worked. Annnnd it was occupied, so in effect, it didn't work. At least I scared the crap out of the person in the bathroom.

This place, whose name rhymes with Ikea, and is famous for furniture you cannot assemble, in fact - NASA couldn't put this stuff together. Fortunately we avoided the furniture. We went through two floors, looking for one item, which of course they didn't have. I don't know what the designers of the place were on when they designed it, but everything was conveniently arranged so it was on the other floor at the other side of the store. How do they do this? Somehow we wound up with bags of stuff. I told Wife that there was a weight limit moreso than a spending limit - the bags started to get heavy and we didn't have a cart because we weren't buying anything (famous last words). 

It was an extremely annoying trip, even though we used to like it. Of course that wasn't the end... they had self-checkout lanes. In fact, every lane was a self-checkout lane. This goes in the rather large category of Things That Piss Me Off. It is quite possible to hire cashiers, like the ones that were there last time. I wonder who would have been hurt if they retained cashiers. I don't hate self-checkouts randomly - they just never work right. I also don't like the monitoring, but at least it's not facial recognition. The person with the most patience in the world was the poor guy who had to keep resetting the machine after it locked up or the poor customer pressed the wrong button. He got hazard pay. We'd scan an item and find it was the wrong price; there was no way to correct this, so we started again. BLEEP -  manager will help you. So we're standing there with a BLEEPING machine, awaiting the arrival of the Swedish police, when Hazard Pay kindly helped us. Mr Pay is probably still laughing or cursing at us. I was cursing at the machine regularly, and I'm not pleasant on a good day, even with pharmaceuticals. Even wife, whose job it is to try to calm me down or just duck and run, was cursing the machine and the entire trip. A day later she was still cursing it.

 

There is an actual book called 'How to poo on a date.'

 Don't.

US may pay 3x more than EU for Moderna’s US-funded COVID shot

 $1.7 billion we gave Moderna.

Food Delivery Robots Are Feeding Camera Footage to the LAPD, Internal Emails Show

of course they are...

•  Life sure is interesting. I've long wanted a considerably less interesting life. One without constant shit involving health and huge amounts of money to fix things.

Hyundai recalls 1.6 million gas-powered cars due to potential car fires

I won't mention Tesla, but combine this with the Hyundai/Kia security shortages and we might just have something... if someone tries to steal the car, it will burst into flames. What other car manufacturer can offer that kind of security? I still haven't mentioned Tesla.

Here’s what the latest Mars rover has learned so far

1. sadly, there is no Marvin the Martian
2. the next rover will be the best rover. Its finding will be 42
3. Marvin might just be hiding
4. there are a LOT of rocks and nobody ever sweeps the dust
5. the Martians enjoy playing pranks on the rover, like writing WASH ME on its surface
6. Martians have frightfully large penises for their size (this is a lie, used to recruit more female astronauts)
7. always end with a dick joke

Social media restrictions “profoundly damaging,” Biden admin tells SCOTUS

Look - how can we BS the people if we can't go full throttle on social media? This is what Obama fought so valiantly for.

Asked for comment, Biden said, "Pop Tarts!" 

Can we talk about naked or semi-naked women? Of course we can.

Let's separate the nakedness and salacious nature of this and just appreciate the wonder of sites like Onlyfans, where women (and men, I guess) can have their own place to earn money (a living?). The US has turned into a service economy and this is certainly a service. They could be giving guitar lessons, but they're a service and a desirable one. I'm not buying but I appreciate what they're doing.

Hey, now that I think about it.... naked guitar lessons! This way the spouse can't complain.

Drone captures flock of sheep crossing US highway

Sheep were promptly individually ticketed by Philly police, some developed black eyes. Sheep cautioned to only cross at Sheep Crossing signs. Dog was not ticketed or harmed.

 

You Didn't Wound the Front Steps, Did You?

Your love is like  a 40' table for 2, where they're so far apart, conversation is impossible.

 

I love those How It's Made shows.

However, they don't always love me. Today, while eating, I learned how waste water is.... fixed? It was probably an episode better left for non-eating time. I learned that by the time the water is through the plant it has 80% less floating particles and 60% less phosphorus.

Ummm... 80% less floating particles?  

[new plant manager] Ummm... guys... hi. Nice to meet you. So... about this 80% less floating particles thing...  I'm just not.....comfortable... with it.

We're sorry, Sir. How can we make you more comfortable?

Thank you for asking. How close to 100% do you think you could get?

Today I identify as  a car condenser, which is actually a capacitor, which is no longer used in cars.

There's nothing funny about dementia.

Ok, there are just a few things.

My mother is completely obsessed with clear saran wrap. Nobody knows why. Whenever we visit, before we leave, we have to check the saran wrap, to make sure there's enough. Generally this task belongs to Mrs lefty. The other day, Mom chased me down the hall because Mrs lefty wasn't there.

Mom has the Industrial Size Saran Wrap - the size the animal processors use to wrap all the different parts, by the hundreds. Every time we check, there's still a ton of wrap. To make things easier for her, we bought her another box. For some reason, that was not good enough. So we have to check the existing box, which also requires discussion because it is thought to have less. When we mentioned the new box, a mild panic set in. All of the relatives are 15 minutes away, so if there's a Saran Wrap Emergency, we can drop what we're doing and get right over there.

The other day, I was all sorts of proud (chuffed for the British, WooWee for the Canucks) because I solved the Saran Wrap Issue. I opened the 2nd box and pulled the wrap through, making it ready to go in case of Saran Wrap Emergency. It's got this wonderful zipper thing that fits over the cutter, so you don't cut yourself (unless you try really really hard). She looked at it with suspicion and asked me to make sure she had enough in the original box.

Then I told her the problem with the toaster cord falling out was that one has to plug it all the way in. Apparently this is not the first time this has been discussed, but we can't get past the idea that it would work perfectly if she stopped pulling it out. We got the general feeling we had spoken heresy and politely backed out of the apartment, facing the Saran Wrap at all times.

Dear lefty  

• I get an erection whenever I'm around my girlfriend. It's really embarrassing. What should I do?
• f-ck her

For those of you who can't sleep, wondering what I did with my 6 hours of use or lose vacation time, I have your sleep aid: I took a whole day off. As you know, 8 hours is more than 6 (except in New Jersey), so I dipped into my reserves. But wait!!!! I also took another day off. Mrs lefty broke into applause and the doctors all said this is great progress, and they'd like to see me again as soon as I pay their bills from last time.

I feel like my life is finally going somewhere. 

It's going to sleep late 2 more days.

They let me in the kitchen the other day. This only happens at holidays or when my EZ Bake Oven breaks. Mrs lefty was in pain, so I got to cook. It was the least I could do. I came in in the middle of sweet potato pie casserole thing. Mrs lefty had gotten out all the ingredients, for which I was forever grateful. If I had to look for stuff, I'd still be looking for stuff past retirement.  "Everything in its place, and the place changes every day." 

There were several problems with me cooking, the first being I've never had or baked a sweet potato pie casserole thing. This means when I screw it up beyond belief, I won't know (unless it's red and crunchy). There's the tiny chance that I won't screw it up, but I still won't know. The pressure was massive. Fortunately it was just the 2 of us, plus the Chopped Liver Bandit.

Another small problem is the small print on the can. I used to be able to read War and Peace, printed on a grain of rice. Now I can't see the grain of rice. While funny, 3/4 tsp might read 3/8 tbsp and we'll wind up with a sweet confection that's mostly flour. 

After the fact, as one would expect, Mrs lefty made it to the kitchen and hit me with some Cooking Knowledge. Cooking knowledge that might have been helpful had I known it before they let me into the kitchen. Apparently 'mix' does not involve a mixer. Stupid me. 

Mix means Fold. 

Well, if mix means fold, what does fold mean? Which one involves the hand job... err... mixer?

Mix. 

Ok, how about mash- it was a really funny tv show? 

Oh no. No no. No no no no no no. You can't mash with that... thing. You need the masher. 

We have a masher?

Of course we have a masher - it's over behind the thing.

The thing?

The thing.

The thing?

You know.. the THING. The thingie thing.

Ohhhhh, the thingie thing. Why didn't you say that the first time? Nope, no masher.

Oh, sorry. It was under the sofa.

Stupid me. Why don't I ever start looking there? So I mash with the masher.

Yes. I have to sit down.

The other problem is ADD. I have to try really hard not to miss ingredients, instructions, and anything about ovens. When I'm done 1 step, it takes a while to figure out where I was. Entire sections of directions sometimes go unread, like that asparagus brownie cake last Christmas. 

Someone told me I am dyslexic too. This is less bothersome when cooking because 3/4 cup is just not going to be 4/3 cup. There just ain't enough medicine for this.

She watched me take it out of the oven. The kids helped me put marshmallows on it. Not a peep. This either meant it was as-expected, or she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Nah, it had to be as-expected. Hurting my feelings is a family sport.

I tasted it. Carefully. It definitely wasn't red and crunchy, so I had that going for me. It was... marginally ok. Kinda weird, like it could have been much better. The next morning, quite a bit was missing from the pan, so I figured someone liked it. There were no tombstones with RIP on them, so I guess it didn't taste poisonous. So tonight, as I go to bed, I'll ask Mrs lefty what she thought of it, as she's getting up out of bed. The secret to marital longevity is sleeping on opposite schedules so you never see each other.

We have established I cannot let the dog out because her mommy does it better. This morning the dog got up and I asked if she wanted to go outside. She got all excited, wagged her tail like mad, and ran back up the steps at top speed. Either she's not the smartest pup in the litter or she wants me to think she's not the smartest pup in the litter.

The Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is still hard at work. The package that bent time at least one week still hasn't arrived, so I told them to do something physically impossible with it. Mind you, it's supposed to be out in the wild somewhere. I'm checking Ebay for a few things and the delivery times look pretty good, except things from Hungary, which can take up to a month. Even Asia has it down better. Drat - I was really looking forward to those Hungarian items. More hilarity will ensue, I promise.

We also need a name for buying too much in quantity. I needed 2 diodes (stupid little electronic parts). It was cheaper to buy 50 than 2. When I was 16, that wouldn't have been a thought.... sure - I'll use them eventually. Perhaps not so much now. Amazon Economic Scale Quantity Principle? Regardless, if you ever find yourself short of 1N4148s, let me know.

• One press rag listed groups most likely to receive Flying AIDS vaccines first. According to this list, I'm in one of the groups.
• Ha. Ha ha ha.
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• I'm going to rent a Formula 1 car so I can get to the vaccine location first!
• Ok, stop it. I have to go to work now.

A few months ago, my email provider returned a payment, saying I was overpaid. Apparently I was over 4 months overpaid, cuz I haven't heard a word from them. I'm way too honest, so I called, and the number wasn't in use. I got them to email me: it seems my account was closed a year ago. This came as quite a surprise to my email.

I suspect it has something to do with my original local provider having been bought out 17 times since I signed on. Some of the buyers were exceptionally dim, but never failed to mail me a bill. Either that, or Bill Gates is secretly running my email server. That would not be pretty. People out in the middle of streets, ritually disemboweling themselves. Children being pulled into houses to be spared the sight, instead playing violent Playstation games. I'll bet Steve Jobs has a hand in this too... posthumously.

An Arizona college student has taken over 60 driverless Waymo trips during testing. I feel sorry because he must have a relative who needs one of his body parts or a spouse who needs the insurance money. "He says it's been rock solid." Videos show easily cleanable, modular passenger seats, which facilitate scraping passengers off and cleaning up bodily excretions. ASU psychology professor I.M. Dimme, says it's a sort of adrenalin rush, similar to jumping out of a plane. It's also mighty handy when constipated... it gets everything flowing nicely. It's good for suicidal people: they get an idea what it would be like to die, without actually dying (57% of the time). 73% of people who survive the rides no longer want to kill themselves.

While this fails in Arizona, New York looks forward to drivers that ignore them. One of the issues is listed as waiting for pedestrians in Costco parking lots. Anyone who has visited a Costco parking lot knows you're supposed to speed up for pedestrians - you're doing a service for the rest of the world. Waymo has come up with a temporary solution: a huge banner that says "WARNING: this car has no driver". It scares the crap out of the people in the parking lot, making them less likely to behave like assholes. Waymo is working on a solution for the inside of Costco, in the form of driverless carts. The feature is in early testing and has killed twice the number of old ladies than Waymo cars in the parking lot.

In 6 million miles of driving, there have been 18 crashes during testing; all with safety drivers in the cars. Waymo is currently hiring safety drivers without Faceyspaces accounts or phones. 

• Coke, Pepsi, and Nestle named top plastic polluters for 3rd year in a row.
• Spokesmen for Coke, Pepsi, and Nestle said, "We are proud to once again receive this award. Anything else?" 

Aliens in hiding until mankind is ready, says ex-Israeli space head

Granted, this is the New York Post, but he didn't make this stuff up himself - most of it has been around for years.
 

“They don’t want to start mass hysteria. They want to first make us sane and understanding.”

 Apparently the aliens have infinite patience. 

In sad news, IKEA is ending their print catalog. Now customers will have to go to the store to look at items they have no hope of ever assembling. In happier news, IKEA's assembly business posted 900% gains.

Flying AIDS

A 91 year old woman in the UK was the first to receive a Flying AIDS vaccine.

She was so happy she wanted to sing, but she had lockjaw. She raised her arms in celebration and only 1 fell off. The doctors assured her the full body rash and inability to breathe would go away once she went home and took some benedryl (or died). The doctors were unable to explain her sudden attack of libido and were tired of a 91 year old woman chasing them around the hospital.

She looks forward to her 2nd jab.

In Russia, the Sputnik V vaccine was rushed out to wary Russians.

Asked for comment, Yury said, "In all countries, Flying AIDS attack people. In my country, vaccine attack people."

In case you're curious about Pfizer's vaccine, here are 5 questions and answers. For my money, they don't exactly inspire confidence. Ymmv.

 

Trump administration is requiring states to submit personal information of people vaccinated against Covid-19 — including names, birth dates, ethnicities and addresses — raising alarms among state officials who fear that a federal vaccine registry could be misused.

UN: Don't hug

US: let the UN go - don't hug it, don't support it

While the UN is on a roll, they warn 2021 could be the bleakest and darkest year.

They should see 2020!

The UN may have a point - theaters are closing and there will be no place to show Covid-20: Son of Covid-19.

China developing biologically enhanced snipers who can 'see twice as far as human being'

Jeepers these guys are slow. We were at work on this 40 years ago.

The Australian white supremacist who killed 51 people at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand was radicalized by YouTube, according to a 792-page report on the March 2019 shooting.  No, he was not radicalized by YouTube: he allowed himself to be overly influenced by YouTube content. No, the driver of the car did not 'lose control' because the car wrested control away from him. No, the White House didn't say anything. Let's stand up and take personal responsibility.

• Idiot Mayor quarantining after Flying AIDS exposure.
• unfortunately he will not be audio quarantining.
• that aside, we hope he's ok.

Mt Everest grows by nearly a metre to new height. The world's highest mountain, Mount Everest is 0.86m higher than had been previously officially calculated, Nepal and China have jointly announced.

Everest has a long and storied history of height disputes. When it was discovered, in 1984, it was measured at 8844.43m (14.43 grams celsius). During the civil war, it grew an inch, but it felt really bad about things and went back to its normal height. It experienced a growth spurt during its teens, but all the other mountains were mean to it because it was the tallest and it always had to stand at the end of the line. The extra foot was found to be a combination of excrement, plastic bottles, and dead climbers. Nepalese critics say the mountain never actually changed height; it was just a plot between China and Nepal to confuse climbers and enrich China's climbing equipment industry. Chinese critics have all disappeared and were not available for comment. Both countries, in a rare show of solidarity, advise you not to be on that fricking hill when it grows. The mountain was measured by tying together 450 KMart tape measures.

For reasons no one can understand, Japan wants to increase the birth rate, using AI matchmaking to help. The UN sent Bill Gates as an emissary, who wants to cut  80 million people to make the Earth more eco-friendly. The details will be available on X-Box, and can be ordered for $99.99, called Samurai Sperm Soldiers.

SJW but Not?

A women's university football match in China had to be called off after players were told they were not allowed to have dyed hair, state media report. - it wasn't black enough.

the Windows 10 truck also doesn't run

Muppet Paws Strikes Again

An Ikea museum has opened in Sweden, celebrating the firm's history. Next month, K-Mart is opening a similar museum. In a restroom somewhere in Detroit.

• Been thinking of a new pet for Marshall. The idea of a sloth is interesting. Even if you go to sleep for the night, he'll only get ten feet total from the bed.

During a planned active shooter drill at Andrews Joint Base, an real life active shooter alert was called. The base reported it. The press reported it. The Secretary of Defense reported it. And hour later, the alert was called off, stating it was a planned active shooter drill. Because the base, the press and the Secretary of Defense don't know and can't tell the difference. Nothing to see here - move along.

• According to a Baltimore professor, white people need to give all their money to black people. You can't even write parody as good as real life anymore.

Although we know that Faceyspaces is inherently evil, statistics dictate that some of the people here use it. I won't call you out by name (because I don't know it) but I'd like to share with you this guide to FB security settings.

• Over 100 women posed naked against Trump in front of the Republican National Convention. This is a short-term goal for me that's close to my heart.
• Speaking of the RNC, as we'd expect, it started with a prayer. Yeah, separation at its finest. Also, one of the featured speakers is from Duck Dynasty. That's putting your best foot forward, guys.

Did you know that your plane cannot take off until they're sure the coffee maker works?
I suspect they fear armed insurrection if it doesn't.

• I was told a long time ago that guitar players got all the girls. And I hear that women love a sense of humor. I should be doing better than Leo DiCaprio at this point...

A man shot at two teens playing Pokemon, mistaking them for intruders. I say he didn't mistake them, which makes it a service to the neighborhood.

• In the oasis of Afghanistan, a pregnant fourteen year old girl was burned to death in an 'honor killing'.  What other religion has these advantages... you can impregnate an underage girl then kill her for having sex and being pregnant?

Exercise, they said...the doc told me it would be a good idea. So I bought a stepper, assembled it with a lot of screaming, and proceeded to go against everything I stood for. It was horrible.

Back at the doctor's, he asked how it was coming. I told him exactly how it was going: I got on the stepper and watched every second go by, calculating how long it would take til I could stop. The doctor, bless his soul, said that if exercise caused me this kind of grief, I shouldn't do it.

I now have Doctor's Advice not to exercise. My life is complete.

Go outside, they said.. feeling brave, I took the dog out back. Smelling the air, post heatwave, I looked around at my back yard (that I hate because I have to mow it). There sure were a lot of trees that I didn't know existed. They provided needed shade. I began to think that maybe I could spend a few minutes out there, maybe with a laptop (there's no helping me). 

Feeling positive, we went back inside, to the air conditioning... where I noticed the itching, where several bugs bit my legs. Up and down. 

Now I need a doctor's note to keep me inside, on my glorious couch.  

JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

Just when you thought you had had enough of Google and their pervasive tracking, they introduce a feature that will track you outside of Google. This means that when you do a search, watch a YouTube video, or play with your android phone, Google can track you further 'to show you more tailored ads'. The only positive to this is that the service is opt-in, meaning you have to set your controls to allow it. This is as opposed to Faceyspaces, where it's opt-out, meaning you have to turn it off. I have to give Google credit for this one piece.

• Speaking of Faceyspaces, it either does or does not use your location to suggest friends. One guy noticed people he had never heard of popping up in his suggestions. He traced it down to people who lived in or near his building. Is this ok with you? It's not with me, but as we know, I don't use Faceyspaces.

I can't imagine why people are so upset about ISIS. So they shoot random people in the US. So they blow themselves up at airports. So they throw gays off buildings. It's a peaceful religion.

• Paul Simon said that he was ready to give up music. You don't hear that often.

A study found that for boys and girls, higher (Disney) princess involvement was associated with higher levels of stereotypically female behavior. Who knew that boys shouldn't necessarily play with some girls' toys?

• This week we bid a fond farewell to Scotty Moore (84), Elvis Presley's original guitarist.

A smartphone is set to launch in India next week. The cost? Less than 3 pounds (47.59 and a half in dollars). Your $600 iDevice snickers in superiority then wilts a little.

1. Why is Hillary so often with the word "bitch"? If the shoe fits, shove it up their noses.
2. How offensive is it? Do you think she cares? Donald has been called all sorts of names.

Ikea has recalled 27 million (top-heavy) Malm chests of drawers in North America because of six child deaths. North America only? Birth control is savage these days.

• A Michigan prosecutor is considering whether the squawkings of a foul-mouthed parrot can be used as evidence in a murder trial. Polly wanna DON'T SHOOT DON'T SHOOT FUCKER..

The Grief Brigade carries on: Marshall misses his brother Ren. We thought they just tolerated each other but since Ren left us, Marshall has developed new, weird, and annoying habits. He wants to be physically attached to us most of the time. The only rescue cocker we ever had without separation anxiety, he now barks and howls when we leave the house. He has become fond of drinking some water, the playing with it, then dumping it on the floor and taking his wet paws with him onto the couch. Since we're no longer paying ridiculous amount of money to the vet for a sometimes diabetic cat, Marshall has stepped up to the plate and required biweekly trips himself. And this morning, he tripped my wife down the steps by running through her legs - a cat trick if there ever was one.

Hmmm... yesterday he kept bumping his head into my wife's leg for attention... just like the cat used to do. Has the cat possessed the dog?

Last week, he located a large zippered freezer bag, tried chewing through three sides of it, then somehow managed to get the zipper open and eat a Whole Lotta Steaks. This was followed, in short order, by diarrhea in the house (he always goes outside) and French Painting (Vomet) on the rug. Say what you will, Marshall is a really smart dog and a hell of a problem-solver.

We consulted the vet, who recommended another cat. NO.
Then she recommended a puppy. NO.
Then I suggested we get him a dog. Wife said NO.
After the fall, she might change her mind.
Marshall's an American Cocker. I think we should get him an English Cocker.