The Ionosphere is Full of Trees Today

 Your love is like  an epidemic of STDs

After the Meghan and Harry interview, everybody is coming out of the closet to say how much they understand Meghan's plight. I want to say that I understand Meghan's plight, being Martian-American. I don't understand Harry at all, but that's not such a big problem: he does what he's told.

She said something about running for office. This could be a brilliant effort on the part of Politics. People will be so busy looking at her, she can say any old thing she wants. They'll never hear it. Let's face it: you listen to everything Nancy Pelosi says.

Today I identify as  a particularly efficient 900MHz yagi antenna that I constructed, right before I found out my area just went to 700MHz

• Tinder will soon allow you to do background checks
• although why would you want to do a background check on a stranger you're about to have sex with? 

David Brewis: Tracking Down Jimi Hendrix's Wayward Gear

How I discovered Jimi Hendrix's psychedelic Flying V

some fascinating articles on finding and verifying some of Jimi's gear.

[sigh] some day....

I haven't gone to onlyfans.com but am reading an interesting article. Apparently their terms of service fluctuate often, with the latest casualty being outdoor sex. An outdoor sex performer got a Taken Down notice out of the blue. They suspect it's the payment processors, who don't like the boom boom business. This is going to wind up hurting onlyfans and the performers, as well as affecting the entire industry.

My stance remains the same: private businesses should be allowed to do what they want, without (government) interference. While payment processor interference is perfectly legal, their prudish attitudes are hurting the entire industry. Interestingly enough, you can perform a lot more sex-related activities than 'hateful speech', which will get you banned, period (see: Gab). It must be difficult to operate any business when the Terms of Service keep changing.

Betcha didn't know you were sleeping on the couch tonight..

HIM: you've been really naughty

HER: what do I get for it?

HIM: naughty girls get a spanking

HER: ooooh.. I hope it doesn't hurt

HIM: It shouldn't, with all that padding...

• The Google Nest hub now knows how well you slept.
• And you keep paying Google for the privilege.... 

Russia and China say anyone will be able to use their south pole Moon base for 'peaceful' science and exploration

• Except for America and those warhawks in Canada.
• They promise to cooperate and share all tools. Except the hacking tools - bring your own.
• The Moon's south pole has 180 consecutive days of sunlight. Philadelphia and London are thinking of relocating- they have less than 80.
• Rules: don't f- with the aliens on the dark side, no requests for Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon - we've heard this 1,000 times already and the station isn't even built yet
• Saturday nights we play "count the 'communication' satellites in orbit around Earth. Pretend to get targeting vectors."

Apple has done something decent with iOS: required privacy transparency. All software must tell you about data it collects. The Google example will make your head explode

I was feeling a bit under the weather, because who feels over the weather, and decided to sit and rest a bit (that's 'set a spell' for our southern readers). I never fail to mention how smart, courageous, and sweet Mrs. lefty is. Sometimes I forget to mention that no one had better mess with her, if they enjoy living. Their body will never be found. Then there's one level down: don't piss her off. I'm not sure what I did to piss her off, but as I sat down, I noticed TMZ on. "TMZ - gays making fun of straights since 2008."  

Well, she put it on and she was there first. I tried for a UN Humanity Exemption, but no dice. It's against the Geneva Convention. It's absolutely the worst example of what humanity has become. How can a show have less than zero content? You found it.

Being the definition of ADHD, she got up to smoke or do something. No matter how many times I've begged and pleaded, she will not turn off the tv or mute it when she leaves the room. I'm married - I've done some serious begging and pleading. The compromise we reached is that when she leaves the room, I mute the tv. Oddy, me having to do what I asked her to do does not show up as 'compromise' in any dictionaries, online or offline.

Thus far, I'm feeling unwell and sit down for a rest. She's watching the worst show ever put on tv, then gets up and leaves. She has hidden/lost the remote. Is this passive aggressive or just downright evil? I cant imagine what on earth I've done to displease her. I buy her flowers and cook regularly. I mow all winter. I totally respect her No-Dating Policy, and mention it to any female who is in any way slightly attractive (just in case).

Yet there I sat, not feeling too good, with TMZ on tv, muted. This is the 2nd best way to watch it, the 1st being with the tv off. "Why didn't you just turn the effing tv off, you whiny bastard," you ask. Because the replacement remote control does not turn the tv on or off and I cannot bear the 15' trip across the room to turn it off. So I (don't) watch a lot of tv with it muted.

Unfortunately, my head turns in the direction of motion or blinky lights, so it keeps turning to the muted tv, when I remind myself I'm not watching that garbage. Eyes on sofa, then POOF - back on the tv. This is especially annoying during sports, which I don't like at all. It's also the reason I never eat in sports-themed places, unless the tv's are broken.

I think I got a passive-aggressive break when She Who Must Be Obeyed went off to take a nap. Mind you, without muting or turning off the tv. Maybe some day I'll find out what I stand accused of, even if it has to be used against me in a court of law.

Because she watches a lot of tv, so do I. I'm a heavy passive tv watcher. Think about this for a second... passive tv watcher. The main thing I've noticed is that the Flying AIDS has absolutely ruined what was left of tv. 

• There are newscasts where each member of the news team is broadcasting from their den (or the only place where there aren't rude items on the walls and shelves). Hey Bob- you might want to move your dildo collection down a shelf, or even to another room. We're getting a lot of emails about it. No, wait, never mind - they want to know where you got them.
• Game shows. It's great to say you've changed things up so you can still go on the air, but...  the 'audience' consists of 6 people, where there were 125, because they're all socially distanced. You can't jump up and down and molest the host, even if you have a mask. Some of the contestants are playing from home, usually over bad connections, in small, dirty little rooms, with their little ankle-biters running in and out, plus the cat barking.
• Judge shows. Flying AIDS or not, why are there so many judge shows? There may be a small audience, in their little welder's masks, but the plaintiff and defendant are, you guessed it, virtual. The effect is incredibly cheesy. Moreso. Audience or not, some of these judges should be put back in their cages and never let on tv again. They're obviously not socialized well enough to be near people.
• Any show that keeps cutting back to a person to explain things has to go regardless of pandemic. No one needs to know how you feel. No one needs to know how smart you are or what you did. Just shut up and let us figure it out by ourselves, unless it's a particularly good practical joke that requires a setup.
• Sports are kinda like game shows, in many ways, but they set a horrible example for the youth. No social distancing or masks on the field at all. What are children supposed to think? The audience consists of about 6 people in the entire stadium, with banners covering the rest of the seats, so the poor advertisers have somewhere else to see their names. They pipe in cheers and applause. In Philly, they pipe in boos, screaming about the cost of a beer, and have special machines to throw things at the players. They have pictures of bags full of money so the players will keep moving.

But if you make me miss my one show (9-1-1), I'll shiv you in the back.

• How a metal with a memory will shape our future on Mars
• one of the items recovered from Roswell and others is a metal that you can bend and it will return to shape.
• is this the same metal? I dunno. Interesting, though.

Speaking of Asian Americans, we're seeing a wave of attacks against them, in retaliation for the Flying AIDS. WTF is wrong with these people? Are these the TMZ audiences? We get a nasty virus from China, so these people verbally or physically assault Asians. Koreans! Even with my public school education, I know that Korea ain't in China. These Bubbas need to finish 3rd grade.

The best line was, after a horrible string of massage parlor shootings, the Atlanta chief of police said, "It appears they may be Asian." Obviously because the all black massage parlors were closed that day. As were the Caucasian cleaners. The Indian dentists had better watch out too, in case the assailants mistake them for Asian. The real brain-buster would be if they got mad at England... who would they shoot? Maybe themselves....

There is a reason other countries laugh at us. This is the one I agree with.

• IBM's CEO and outgoing exec chairman take home $38m for 2020 despite revenue shrinking by billions
• why is this any of our business? they obviously signed for it. the only function of this headline is to inflame.

Age Crisis 

We all know the stereotype of a man with a middle age crisis... motorcycles, skydiving, affairs with younger women, fast cars, Yahtzee. If you stand back and look at it, you realize it's not just middle age. We (and society)  have somehow imposed crises upon ourselves. It's not like anyone said, "lefty hit middle age - he really should be screwing around with much younger women," because if they did, Mrs. lefty would see to it nobody found their bones.

We could absolutely continue living our lives without crises. Until we figure it out, here are the expected crises for certain ages:

• 30s: time to grow up, leave your wild drinking days of youth behind. Celebrate with wild drinking.
• 40s: middle age. Wild drinking, set up a much younger mistress in an apartment, date a few others, sleep late, wear your wife out (with repeated requests for boom boom), finding out you can't drive formula 1 cars, finding out you can't drive a Volkswagen, finding out you can't drive the mistress
• 50s: propositioning every neighbor up and down the block, propositioning barmaids as you find out you really shouldn't (and can't) wild drink, discovering the meaning of little blue pill, discovering what happens when you forget the little blue pill, discovering what happens when you take the little blue pill and have nothing to do and nowhere to go and no available targets, 
• 60s: huh? Weren't you supposed to retire soon - that's a real worry. Unfortunately you have to work til the next crisis before you can retire. Wild drinking now consists of 2 beers or 1 cooler. Women you'd like to chase, if you could get out of Your Chair, would laugh hysterically at you. Younger women cross the street when they see you coming because you're a Dirty Old Man. You discover your dirty reputation may have something to do with your junk hanging out of your shorts. You want boom boom but your wife says she doesn't do that anymore. Meanwhile, your parents are in the old folks community, getting STDs, because they're boinking anything in sight. Why can't you remember that word... you know... car keys? Sometimes you take the little blue pill to watch what happens - maybe give yourself something to do for the rest of the day. You call your grandchildren, only to discover you don't have any grandchildren. Meh - your dog listens to you. Sometimes.
• 70s: 70 is the new 50, say people who are 70. It's getting easier and easier to forget things. sometimes requiring no effort at all. You develop your own distinct shuffle. Your hobby is going to doctors' offices. A grand day is getting a procedure done. You wear your magnifiers on top of your regular glasses and you can't find either because you're wearing them. The news is on at 4 - dinner time. You finally got the discount at restaurants. You remember really enjoying boom boom. You start doing weird things in public, like picking up food and slamming it down on the table in restaurants. You call your wife Mother. Your liver enzymes prevent wild drinking, so you reduce it to weekends. Online pr0n is a memory and you don't have many of them these days. Trying to decide between Don't Tell Mommy We're Doing Her Boyfriend and Black Ass Suffocation is insurmountable, so you take a nap. If you could compete, you'd be a World Napping Champion.

.

Breaking the Streak

I promised (myself? you? somebody?) that I'd close down the ranting and raving, concentrating instead on captivity. I think I've managed to pull it off reasonably well, but, as you'd imagine, holding it in hurts too much and I need a release valve.  The Stupid... it hurts...

TV is a mess to begin with. They ran out of ideas ten years ago and this is a rehash of a rehash of a sequel of the son of the original's cousin. Watching this crap is physically painful. To see what garbage haunts us, just turn the tv on.

The Flying AIDS has even changed the way we watch tv. The talking heads are now broadcasting from their own (or somebody else's) home - each one of them. Their social distancing is 40 miles or 2 counties. Now most of the dingalings are doing it too. They look like idiots, which is rather convenient, as they are idiots.

I spend a lot of time listening to religious folks telling me we are in the end times. Aside from being amused, after reviewing their claims, I believe tonight has provided literal video proof that they're correct. It is a sad day for me.

We know we can't go outside, nor can the (alleged) artists, news and musicians, so we have to sit in the living room and save the world from there. Our jaws are on the floor, which surely is the indicator of something involving the end of the world. Alleged artists are watching tv and this is the tv show. The entire tv show is stars reacting to tv shows. It's easy to like because you don't know who most of the stars are. As it goes further, you turn to your tv partner and wonder aloud when tv died - the actual date. We're watching a show about people watching a show. According to quantum physics, this is a quark and will repeat on itself until a black hole eats the entire planet. Maybe this is the promised end times, minus the science.

Of course, we're just as bad for watching this excrement after 3 minutes.

Speaking of excrement, TMZ came on before it. TMZ: gays making fun of straights since 2008.



Because Mrs lefty has had a bad week with chronic pain, I offered to go food shopping with her. This is a very stupid idea, proving we do not learn from our mistakes.

I was very well-behaved. From the car to the front door of the supermarket. WHAT? WE NEED TO WEAR MASKS IN THE STORE? Mrs lefty, in a moment of true genius, said 'you should wait in the car - no, really.' Since I listen to no one, especially if they make any sense and are correct, I continued into the store. I put on a world class display of grumbling. Since we live in the hell hole that is Pennsylvania, the state owns the liquor stores and you can't buy serious alcohol after certain hours. So we found some girly drinks, then saw the line to pay first was 90 people long. This reinforced my already positive mood.

You cannot buy pasta. Even the weird shaped pasta, in different colors, with names you cannot possibly pronounce after 15 years of class and a few summers in Italy. Everything else is more of less there. Except, of course, what I want. Markets pay someone to follow me around and find out what I like, so they can stop carrying it immediately. There is a really good soda available; out of which every flavor was available; except mine. That's the way it went. I kept think my wife was right - I should have stayed in the car. There was a STOP sign at one point, where a concierge (not in her job description - I asked) takes you to your personal checkout person. I am not a virologist, but this would seem to indicate you get the Flying AIDS at the STOP sign or 15 feet past it. I feel better now. You?

Mrs lefty wishes she stayed in the car. How do I know under the mask? I got the International Lefty Signal: eyes rolling. I see it a lot, for some reason.

The long and short of it is that we're being played.
We stand up, get in lines at least 6' apart, deal with shortages, flatten the curve, take the shot (as soon as there is one, Mr Gates), deal with greater limitations of our rights, and just pretend life goes on.


This isn't your garden variety stunt: it's all over the planet.
WHO is big enough to pull this off and why are they doing so?

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.




ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.


I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.



Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

• Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
• Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
• Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
• Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
• It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:

• Congress just put together a budget.
• it is a bipartisan effort

The news you were expecting:

• It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
• It will last two years
• It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
• It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
• Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.

The commentary:

• One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
• Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
• The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
• The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
• The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

• So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

• Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
• In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
• Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

• You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
• It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

• Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

• Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
• California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

• Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
• There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

• Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Uh-oh.

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.

Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

• Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
• The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.

TMZ is FB for Television

My wife is establishing how deeply she hates me: TMZ is on the television.

No matter how frequently it happens, I still go completely red in the face, as in blood boiling. Then make some sort of negative comment, as is absolutely necessary. The other day I came up with TMZ is like Faceyspaces for television. She thought about it and agreed, smiling. What she doesn't know is that I know the smile was for the reference and the fact that she turns it on just to piss me off.

• Speaking of Valentine's Day, what do you get the lady who wants everything? Shoes, obviously.
• What do you get the guy who wants things that are sometimes worth more than a house? Rolos, apparently.

Valentine's Day is the day named after St. Valentine. St. Valentine used to be known as Valentine, because they were so poor back then, they couldn't afford first names.  Valentine, as was customary in those times, was married to Mrs. Valentine. They lived simply because, as I mentioned, they were poor (stay with me here).  Valentine was known throughout the area, not for his deeds, so much as the fact that Mrs. Valentine was a raving bitch from hell. She was the kind of woman they burned at the stake; not because she was a witch, but because she annoyed the hell out of everyone, including pets. And those little rodents that might be moles or voles or elephant shrews - nobody cared about biology in those days.

One particularly miserable day, Valentine set out to buy his wife some flowers. This kept the bitching and carping down to a manageable level. He visited Flow, the flower guy, who apologized that he was out of flowers. Out of flowers? What kind of flower guy are you? Flow explained that in their village of Filthyralfia, it rained so much, the flowers drowned. When it wasn't raining, there was no sun to make them grow.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Valentine was on a tear, bringing grief and destruction to the people of the town. Starting with the priest and working her way down to the rubbish people, she made sure to insult each one of them personally. She considered her job very important and brought great skill and commitment to it. Some of the peasants formed a Village Watch and would let the others know when she was near. Grown men would hide under their houses and poke their ears out, rather than listen to one syllable from Mrs. Valentine.

Valentine had to walk ten miles, in the rain and gloom, to find a florist in the next town. He was struck by the sun there, and the fact it wasn't raining. He purchased their finest bouquet of roses (roses were initially brown, just like everything else in those days) and made the ten mile trek back to his village.

He gave the roses to Mrs. Valentine, who had only seen roses on television (they were poor but very advanced).  Then the most amazing thing happened: she stopped bitching. For five whole minutes.

A cheer went up into the air.

The village cried with joy. Children came down from the trees. The carnival re-opened. Pets walked the streets, unmolested.

From then on, Valentine was known as St. Valentine. Every year, men bought their wives roses (although the wives didn't shut up for any length of time). Or whatever they could find in the village. The date was February 14th, as close as they could tell, because most of them could not read or write.  

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially St. Valentine, who eventually shacked up with the florist's wife, since the florist never seemed to do anything useful anyway. And that, children, is how we got domestic partnership.

• In celebration of Valentine's Day, there has not been a murder in Baltimore in ten days. Experts, who get paid a lot of money to make this stuff up and go on tv, theorize that the murderers don't want to buy anything for their ladies, so they made themselves scarce. Expect the murders to go back to normal next week.

Former Canadian Minister of Defence, Paul Hellyer, has come out and said the Illuminati is real and running things from the background. You may recognize Hellyer as the hoser who said ufos are real and there are real foreigners visiting.

To some, Mr. Hellyer is a conspiracy loon.

To those of us in the know (or just passing by this blog), he's largely correct.

The irony is that most of this is in the open now, or starting to creep in.

• What kind of health insurance do pirates use?
• ARRRRRRRRRR-P

If you get goosebumps from listening to music, your brain might be special, according to Matthew Sachs. His study showed people who strongly connect with music have more dense fibers between auditory and emotional parts of the brain. Whether this proves anything or not, Sachs won't tell anybody. Furthermore, when listening to Led Zeppelin, pungent smoke started to appear out of nowhere.

The study also showed that people who listen to Kanye and Niki Manaj have no brain at all.

• A Malaysian newspaper published an article on how to spot a gay. Nobody knows why. Homosexuality is illegal in Malaysia and good for twenty years in the pokey, so to speak.
• Gay men could be identified by their love of beards and the way they checked out other men at the gym. Lesbians hug each other and belittle men.
• In reality, trans people can be identified by some combination of boobies and a penis, that just don't seem to go well together.
• Lesbians do not belittle men: feminists do, as do feminist men. Lesbians can be identified by their eyebrows going up when you say BOOBIES. They are extremely fun to watch girls with.
• Gay men.... well... stereotypes don't come from a vacuum. Sweater tied around the neck, owning a Yorkie, and belittling the clothes women wear are all sure signs there's a homo about. Another dead giveaway is having sex with men.

According to the Linguistic Society of America, there are close to 7,000 distinct languages on the planet (not counting New Jersey). As of recently, there are close to 7,001 languages, as one was discovered on the Malay Peninsula.

Maybe they have a specific slur for Malaysians. My multi-year search has turned up nothing.

• Lifehacker, is a very interesting and helpful site, featuring great tips and, well.. hacks. Today they wanted to let us know that if you put lemon in water, you get no magic properties, like detox - you just get lemon water. These guys are sharp.

The sun came out today.

People were covering their eyes. Wondering what that strange light in the sky was. Praying to the gods. Setting grain aside. Watering their dead daisies. Hope began to appear in all who saw it.

Not to worry. In ten minutes it was gone.

• I would like to share with you the lyrics to a song I just heard on a commercial. The wisdom and sensitivity of the words is inspirational. "Imma do it like dis, Imma do it like dat."  I hope these words stay with you as long as they stay with me.

The day has finally come... Hip hop is now the largest selling music in the country. This goes to show that, like the Kardashians, just because it sells well doesn't mean it is any good. My soul cries out in pain.

We know I'm a little bit off on very popular culture, so please bear with me. You know that show with the fat bleach blond mom who rode a scooter and had a daughter who might have been a beauty pageant contestant? It had an incredibly stupid name.  In any case, Mom (Momma June?) lost a few hundred pounds and now has her own show. Do you need further proof we're in End Times? As a person who likes words, I cannot possibly describe the blight on society these reality shows constitute. Everybody has had their fifteen minutes and now we're just scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You don't watch them. I don't watch them. But like spam, somebody's clicking on it...

• People in England purchased tickets for the Reading Festival, then wished they could unpurchase them. The lineup, typically rock, is mostly rap and other assorted garbage. One person said they were selling their expensive tickets for 17p because that's all they were worth. It's happening all over the world, folks.

Germany has ruled Faceyspaces is out of order.

"Facebook collects and uses personal data without providing enough information to users to constitute meaningful consent." They make it too difficult to find the settings too.

Unfortunately this is Germany only. 

I have to be fair: as a libertarian, I'm against government regulation. As nice as it would be to stop Faceyspaces from collecting ridiculous amounts of information by default, it's the user's responsibility to read the privacy policy and make the necessary adjustments. Or better yet, not sign up for a Faceyspaces account.

Children Are Our Future department

Princeton held a class on Free Speech.

You know what's coming, right?

The teacher said 'nigger'.

A student yelled 'fuck you'.

Some students walked out.

And the class was canceled.

What have have the students learned here? 

The SJW who whines loudest gets what he wants. Especially if he can get a 'racist' in there somewhere. Somehow I don't think this will be helpful in their careers.  Aside from the death of sense, the people who should be really upset are the parents, who are paying what amounts to a house for tuition.

A high school teacher jumped on the #MeToo bandwagon because her students were touching her and emailing her inappropriately. This was a week after another teacher went public with similar accusations.

What have the students learned here?

You have to sexually harass your target just enough to upset them, but not enough to go to the authorities.

aside:  I performed at Princeton. Never have I seen a better-educated, more polite, and smart audience. My group's song parody act ran about thirty minutes at the time. We did over an hour because of the applause and encouragement. It was the only place anybody got some of our political humor. It must've changed or something.

• French president Emmanuel Macron said that 'France will strike' if proven chemical bombs were used in Syria.
• The entire country stands behind President Macron and is currently printing up signs and practicing calling out from work.

A study found that self-deprecating humor is linked to greater psychological wellbeing.

If I weren't such an idiot, I might agree.

• Kansas has ruled that a dog cannot run for governor. The dog was submitted as a candidate after a few teenagers were submitted, after some wag discovered there was nothing in the rules about age.
• Angus, a Vizsla, is described as a “caring, nurturing individual who cares about the best for humanity and all creatures other than squirrels.”
• Upon hearing about the ruling, Princeton canceled all classes and France went on strike.

STOCK TIP - because you get your best market info from some weird blog

Invest in corn starch and talcum powder futures.

The way people are sending white powder to politicians, there's going to be a mad run on it.

• Iran accused the West of using lizards for nuclear spying. Because their skin 'attracted atomic waves'.
• The West is just angry because Iran deliberately keeps being next to Iraq on the map.
• A little-known secret is that the Kardashians are Iranian. 
• It's all over: Iran won.

Brussels Sprouts

Marshall the cocker will eat raw Brussels sprouts, but he prefers them slathered in butter and salt.

Moments after the explosion, the French rushed right in and did the right thing: they surrendered to the Brussels Airport, American Airlines Division.

• In England, sexting among under-16s is 'skyrocketing', leaving the rest of us to wonder, longingly, where this technology was when WE were young.

The FBI is warning new car owners about hacking risk (from the FBI).

• Batman vs Superman? We have truly exhausted every plot imaginable. God vs Muhammed? The Tick vs Bipolar Bear?

The self-lacing shoe? Have we finally reached the point where we're too lazy to tie our own shoes (people in pain aside)? I appreciate the surety of taking the trash out and untying my shoes automatically (and tripping). Or running out after the dog at 3am because he's barking. This way, the neighbors get the dog barking and me cursing over shoelaces magically coming untied. I think the neighbors look forward to these events (it's a quiet neighborhood). But seriously.. self-dressing underwear? Auto-install bras would take half the fun out of things.

• What happens when you introduce an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter? Well, it's kind of predictable - you get an evil Hitler-loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'-proclaiming robot. There is a slight possibility that aritficial intelligence is not ready for prime time.

A woman has married the sperm donor father of her child. Dates, like sperm, are hard to come by.

• TMZ, the foul, evil, stupid tv show, has been sued for naming the wrong rapper who cut his penis off. Is this a thing now?

A Saudi prince has been sued for trashing a $100,000 Hollywood mansion via wild cocaine, stripper-fueled parties. Who knew the Saudis could party like this?

• Flight MH370 has become so good at not being found that a remote-controlled robot that was searching for it disappeared.

Bill and Ted 3 is waiting for a script and has studio support. This includes Alex Winter (who is working on a Frank Zappa movie) and Keanu Reeves. Whether or not we want to see it is anyone's guess.

When I die and go to hell, it will look just like Chuck E. Cheese

Neal Schon: Love in the Wrong Places

I have been a Neal Schon fan for many years.  His work with Journey was always tasteful but my favorite moments were the two albums (yes, albums) he did with Jan Hammer.  There were many great musical moments happening there.  There are also some interesting solo albums, with much variety happening therein.  One can't argue with a guy who played guitar for Santana when he was nineteen.

Lately Neal's been getting lots of attention, unfortunately from the wrong arena.  Remember the White House gate-crashers?  The couple who got their fifteen minutes by getting into the White House uninvited?  These are the Salahis.

The other day Mr. Salahi called the police because his wife had gone missing for a few days.  The case was short-lived because Mrs. Salahi got in touch with him to let him know she was boinking Neal Schon and out on tour with him and Journey.  Naturally TMZ was there (TMZ - gays making fun of celebrities since 2008).

This no doubt also came as quite a shock to Ava Fabian, the ex-Playboy Playmate who Neal married two months ago in Paris.  A brief review of pictures and biographies indicates that Neal's genitals are also quite confused (perhaps shocked?).

Perhaps Journey can make things more interesting by using a different opening act:  Neal can come onstage and fight with the Salahi attention whore and his ex-playmate, soon to be ex-wife.  The crowd would go wild.  They could get TMZ to sponsor the whole affair (as it were).

Finally, this once again proves that rock stardom always trumps looks.