I'm pulling my hair out faster than it can leave on its own.
I don't recommend it.
I really like my printer, from last February. Only recently it's been giving me a hell of a time. When I need to print something, I have to give 30 minutes' fair warning to the neighborhood, my wife, and the dog. The screaming and invoking Satan's name for several hours isn't conducive to getting things done, plus I keep getting interrupted by police and the SWAT team.
Today I was not disappointed.
Unfortunately neither were the authorities.
Normal people can print things. I'm not normal. I don't want to be normal. But I'd like to be just normal enough to do stuff like print.
When I get really angry and the screaming reaches eardrum-shattering levels, things start going downhill like dominoes. It's not enough that the printer won't print.. every attempt to get it to print other ways failed. I'd turn on another computer, which didn't want to boot. When I got it booted, the printer failed there too. After much re-cabling, it continued to fail and I continued to wrap cables around myself, slip on things, and ram my head, inadvertently, into Large Metal Pointy Things. It goes downhill from there and will continue to go downhill for several hours, including after I've surrendered and wiped up the blood.
TWO operating systems, three computers, and three printer cables later, there was nothing I could do. Every computer told me it couldn't find the printer. I could find the printer - it was next to me, plugged into the usb port, where it always printed. My guess is that the jack at the printer end broke, which means I have to take the thing apart and/or buy another printer. This will have to come out of the Chemo Fund: I hope HP is happy.
Let me say something positive: the copier function still works.
Now I can pull my hair out more slowly.
Speaking of Penny, she's caught and eaten two mice, two birds, and four bumblebees.
Showing posts with label satan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satan. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Monday, December 19, 2016
Here Comes the Noise Again
I like to tell people we live in a nice, quiet neighborhood, right up until we moved in, but that's not correct. We're pretty quiet too, surprisingly. We only have odd bursts of noise, like the TRASH TRUCKS. There are three of them, plus both sides of the street, so we get treated to six trucks stopping at every house, with all the noise involved, up and down the block, for as long as we can hear them. Plus the lady who blows her #*@&ing horn at 7:05 every morning for no known reason, perhaps rudely picking up some brat or other. And the mailman, who Marshall used to bark at. Marshall's getting older and isn't always aware that his mortal enemy is coming up the steps, but once a day or so, Marshall sits on his own steps and barks at someone or something I can't see.
I love Marshall but...
Speaking of trash, if you care to look, you can tell which neighbors are retired or not working by their Trash Patterns. What are Trash Patterns, you ask?? Glad you asked. Trash Patterns are when they put the trash cans to the curb and when they move them back to the house.
It is said that good neighbors take care of each other but this was never more apparent than when my wife started to let loose that she knew an awful lot about the comings and goings of the neighbors. The guy across the street must be sick, because he goes to work every morning at 7:17 and his car has been in his garage all week. Next door usually goes to church every morning but hasn't the past two days - I hope she's ok. There's a Monty Python sketch about this (there's a Monty Python sketch about everything, as it should be), with two women running the equivalent of the early 1970's NSA in their apartment, one reporting what she sees and the other bringing it up on one of their monitors. My wife needs no monitors.. she can tell everything from sitting on the step or just looking out the window. She also catalogs the dogs that walk by and sometimes their owners. It's weird but consistent that people always remember the names of the dog but not always their owner. "Hey, remember Max's mom? She's having surgery this week. I forget her name."
Let me wander back to Trash Patterns. The Crazy Lady, who recently celebrated her 439th birthday, puts her trash out the night before collection. My wife can tell you what time, but no doubt it's militarily consistent. In the span between 6.7 and 9.6 minutes after the trash trucks have left, The Crazy Lady emerges from her hole and drags each humongous can back to the safety of her Can Spot. I know she has a Can Spot but dare not make a note of where. Then there's the old retired dude across the street, who in spring and summer camps out on his lawn with coffee and a lounger, waiting for the trucks to come. As soon as they've driven down the street, he marches out, also with military precision, and puts them perfectly back in their place, because everything has a place to ensure Order. This dude either needs a hobby or is desperate to get away from his wife, thus turning trash into a multi-hour escapade, after which he goes back inside and cleans off his hand tools, that haven't been used since the last time he cleaned them.
But I digress. Always.
Hillary
Today's information breach occurred at PayAsUGym, further proving there's absolutely no value to exercise and in most cases, it's dangerous. 300,000 accounts were affected.
I love Marshall but...
Speaking of trash, if you care to look, you can tell which neighbors are retired or not working by their Trash Patterns. What are Trash Patterns, you ask?? Glad you asked. Trash Patterns are when they put the trash cans to the curb and when they move them back to the house.
It is said that good neighbors take care of each other but this was never more apparent than when my wife started to let loose that she knew an awful lot about the comings and goings of the neighbors. The guy across the street must be sick, because he goes to work every morning at 7:17 and his car has been in his garage all week. Next door usually goes to church every morning but hasn't the past two days - I hope she's ok. There's a Monty Python sketch about this (there's a Monty Python sketch about everything, as it should be), with two women running the equivalent of the early 1970's NSA in their apartment, one reporting what she sees and the other bringing it up on one of their monitors. My wife needs no monitors.. she can tell everything from sitting on the step or just looking out the window. She also catalogs the dogs that walk by and sometimes their owners. It's weird but consistent that people always remember the names of the dog but not always their owner. "Hey, remember Max's mom? She's having surgery this week. I forget her name."
Let me wander back to Trash Patterns. The Crazy Lady, who recently celebrated her 439th birthday, puts her trash out the night before collection. My wife can tell you what time, but no doubt it's militarily consistent. In the span between 6.7 and 9.6 minutes after the trash trucks have left, The Crazy Lady emerges from her hole and drags each humongous can back to the safety of her Can Spot. I know she has a Can Spot but dare not make a note of where. Then there's the old retired dude across the street, who in spring and summer camps out on his lawn with coffee and a lounger, waiting for the trucks to come. As soon as they've driven down the street, he marches out, also with military precision, and puts them perfectly back in their place, because everything has a place to ensure Order. This dude either needs a hobby or is desperate to get away from his wife, thus turning trash into a multi-hour escapade, after which he goes back inside and cleans off his hand tools, that haven't been used since the last time he cleaned them.
But I digress. Always.
- The doctor asked me if I have any trouble sleeping. NOPE. Sleeping is something I'm very good at. No problem there, Doc.
Yahoo announced another breach. This is in addition to the last breach they announced. Just in case, change any Yahoo passwords you have. Better yet, close them. Yahoo needs to get their act together, perhaps starting with some heads rolling.
- In Merry Olde England, a Coca Cola delivery to a theater was canceled after a huge brawl. The truck (lorry in England) pulled up to the theater to deliver his soda and parked. A traffic warden objected to the parking location and let the driver know. The driver protested that he had all his paperwork. The warden said there would be no room for emergency vehicles, at which point the driver let him know that there was enough space on either side of the truck to park a small army. The warden was not impressed and started 'waving a finger with intent to scorn.' I love that phrase. The violence in the waving and scorning is most apparent. After this, the warden's hat was knocked off.
- For some reason known only to the warden, the warden began throwing cans of soda out of the lorry. Within minutes, more wardens arrived. Glass started breaking. Four riot vans arrived. All in all, fourteen people were involved in The Great Soda Riot of 2016. Presumably it was difficult to purchase soda at the theater ($7.95 each) and the had to settle for tea ($6.95).
Continuing our International Flair, the Chileans are in an uproar because a Cabinet minister received a blowup doll as a present. I truly wish this was the United States' biggest issue. Blowup dolls for everyone!
- Police in Mt Laurel, NJ, received a call about four suspicious donkeys behind a house. Apparently this was not a common sight, as the non-specific donkeys don't get reported.
Just in time for Christmas, a Tacoma, WA, elementary school's satan club opened. Naturally there were protests. The best quote from the protesters was,
“These 5-year-old children are very impressionable; if you have an adult come in and talk about Satan, they’re going to be harmed by that."
Make no mistake, the First Amendment states that this is a no-no. Period. But some judges decide on a 'compromise,' where all religions are allowed to participate. Lately this pattern ends right after the satanists put on their display. At this point, the Christians decide to tear the satanists' display down when nobody's looking and then reconsider their standpoint on anybody doing this on government grounds.
Academics at Oxford University are being offered therapy in case they've been disturbed by their research. Perhaps it's time to wall off a section of the blog, to be called The Snowflake Report.
- For those of you considering a vacation this holiday season, here's a bit of text from an FAA.gov summary: Please reboot your Boeing 787 at most, every 21 days. Otherwise it might reboot while in flight. Do not run your plane on Windows.
Monday, September 7, 2015
White KKK Leaders Outed as Blacks
Headline of the Month: Jared underage sex shock - Enjoy a foot long in jail!
- Follow the script, people: In St Louis, police shot and killed a black man who pointed a gun at them. There were protests. People threw bricks and bottles at the police. The police used tear gas. A car was set on fire and businesses were burglarized. Days before, a 93-year-old Tuskagee Airman who lost his way pulled over in the neighborhood to call his daughter and was robbed. When he asked passersby for help, he was carjacked.
Animal rights activist beaten with duck in Spain. Spain - a country of irony. Next week: Hillary Clinton beaten with a server.
- Mexico orders toll for pedestrians crossing border. Note there is no toll to get OUT of Mexico.
Three Americans and a Briton receive France's top honor for thwarting subway attack. The gunman, with an automatic weapon and handgun, claims he was only there to rob people. After the Legion of Honor ceremony, France formally surrendered to the heroes. You think I'm kidding? "...passengers were abandoned by staff, who ran and locked themselves away in a service room."
- Fire broke out as a result of an explosion at a US Army base in Japan. Nothing is known about the explosion at all but the Army is positive that it is not the result of terrorism and that nobody important got hurt.
BBQ Gentrification: Just when you thought you'd never go near a restaurant again, we are apparently in the early stages of a barbecue boom! And since we didn't know about the boom, we also didn't know to wonder whether the food's African-American roots are being forgotten. See all the thoughtful shit we bring to you?
- Sharing child care improves sex lives of couples. Actually, not having kids improves sex lives.
A 3-D printed violin? Very early in the process but this has great potential. Never mind that it's not made of wood (BURN HER!).
- What do the Bangkok bombing and Auschwitz-Birkenau have in common? People are taking selfies there. We are a sick planet. I used to work with a comic who imagined a terrible traffic accident and some guy in a minivan who told his wife and kids to go over there and stand near the body - I'll take a picture. Gawker Culture at its best.
Duing a counter-protest to the Planned Parenthood protest, Temple of Satan members 'drowned women', simulating water-boarding to "illustrate the theocratic agenda imposed upon female bodies." Satanists - always fighting for your rights.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - they're easier to bomb when you know where they are.
Hey Hey, it's the Music!
C'mon - everybody's favorite guilty pleasure is The Monkees. From their Prefab Four moniker to their tv show to their recent tours, they're stronger (and older) than ever. Contrary to popular perception, they did play their own instruments after a while, including at concerts. Unfortunately Davy Jones passed away a few years back. Fortunately Mike Nesmith rejoined after many years' absence and tours ensued (I saw them twice last year). Their tv show was very successful, as they were very good in front of the camera and the writing was of high quality. The show survives in syndication and has returned every little while, to great acclaim. New generations keep discovering The Monkees - for good reason.
You probably know Daydream Believer, featuring Davy on vocals and Fab Dance Moves. It's a great sing-along and clocks in at 2:46. Davy was a child star (like Mickey Dolenz) and stage actor. Enjoy the wacky antics of the group and the really trippy set.
The lads did not confine themselves to recording and television - they also made a movie called Head (cowritten by Jack Nicholson). There were many contemporaries in the film, including Annette Funicello, Dennis Hopper, Terri Garr and the incomparable Frank Zappa (oddly enough, a huge fan).
You Just May Be the One is a Mike Nesmith tune. Mike does not get his due. His mother invented liquid paper and he has a successful solo career. He almost invented country rock, although he will not take credit.
Randy Scouse Git is a wild romp through psychedelia and kettle drums. Mickey looks like he's wearing a tablecloth and displays his scatting and vocal talents. He's a very good singer and front man but also does not get credit for it. He started as a guitarist and continues to play it in concert. Mickey had to learn the drums for the group, as Mike already played the guitar. ANECDOTE: the title was apparently a serious insult in England, so they released the single as Alternate Title there.
Valleri was a favorite of mine (and many others) from the early days, possibly because of the fuzzy guitar and really fast guitar solo. The solo was not played by Mike, as mimed here. He readily admits that he's not a very good guitar player. He did hold things together live.
I really want the Monkeemobile. There were eight manly cylinders in it, it could carry the entire band plus groupies and the header(?) popping out of the hood probably blinded the driver.
- Salad is overrated and has a negative environmental impact. Told you so.
Woman's body stolen from funeral home. Perhaps they can return it for the $20,000 reward once they're through taking selfies with it and posting them on Faceyspaces.
- Guess who's the worst president in history? Although there are tons of eligible candidates, only one came up on top. I won't spoil the surprise (his name rhymes with push).
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer - they're easier to bomb when you know where they are.
- This week is one of many anniversaries: Windows 95 (Zero Factor Authorization) is 20, linux is 24 and Katrina is 10. Leo Fender would have been 106. I stopped at 18. And September 26 is National Dog Day.
Remember the female Viagra pill that got turned down twice by the FDA as ineffective and unsafe? Due to pressure from the manufacturer and women's groups, it has been approved. Now women can have their own horribly expensive pill that probably won't work and causes all sorts of negative side effects! What a win for equal rights.
- A man was stabbed outside the screening of "Straight Outta Compton". In other news, two men were sued outside screening of the reissue of "Fiddler on the Roof".
I just figured out who's flying all the drones around airports and a recent incident near a prison: the Secretary of the Maryland Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services is going to ask for up to $400,000 per prison for drone detection equipment.
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, this won funniest joke: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free." If this sort of thing appeals to you, go to the link. If not, here's a lovely picture for you:
Hey Hey, it's the Music!
C'mon - everybody's favorite guilty pleasure is The Monkees. From their Prefab Four moniker to their tv show to their recent tours, they're stronger (and older) than ever. Contrary to popular perception, they did play their own instruments after a while, including at concerts. Unfortunately Davy Jones passed away a few years back. Fortunately Mike Nesmith rejoined after many years' absence and tours ensued (I saw them twice last year). Their tv show was very successful, as they were very good in front of the camera and the writing was of high quality. The show survives in syndication and has returned every little while, to great acclaim. New generations keep discovering The Monkees - for good reason.
You probably know Daydream Believer, featuring Davy on vocals and Fab Dance Moves. It's a great sing-along and clocks in at 2:46. Davy was a child star (like Mickey Dolenz) and stage actor. Enjoy the wacky antics of the group and the really trippy set.
The lads did not confine themselves to recording and television - they also made a movie called Head (cowritten by Jack Nicholson). There were many contemporaries in the film, including Annette Funicello, Dennis Hopper, Terri Garr and the incomparable Frank Zappa (oddly enough, a huge fan).
You Just May Be the One is a Mike Nesmith tune. Mike does not get his due. His mother invented liquid paper and he has a successful solo career. He almost invented country rock, although he will not take credit.
Randy Scouse Git is a wild romp through psychedelia and kettle drums. Mickey looks like he's wearing a tablecloth and displays his scatting and vocal talents. He's a very good singer and front man but also does not get credit for it. He started as a guitarist and continues to play it in concert. Mickey had to learn the drums for the group, as Mike already played the guitar. ANECDOTE: the title was apparently a serious insult in England, so they released the single as Alternate Title there.
Valleri was a favorite of mine (and many others) from the early days, possibly because of the fuzzy guitar and really fast guitar solo. The solo was not played by Mike, as mimed here. He readily admits that he's not a very good guitar player. He did hold things together live.
I really want the Monkeemobile. There were eight manly cylinders in it, it could carry the entire band plus groupies and the header(?) popping out of the hood probably blinded the driver.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Catching Up Around the Mansion
NEIGHBORS - WE HAVE NEIGHBORS
Remember the Crazy Lady next door? The one who called the township because we had some plating materials on our lawn? The county inspector was fairly amused at the entire claim. Well, he apparently hadn't seen nothing yet because Sparky, the alzheimers-addled old fellow out back, called the township because one of his neighbors `had too many birdhouses in her yard'. The poor inspector... he has to be wondering what's in the air over our block (nothing but black clouds, of course).
SO, WHAT ARE THE PETS INTO TODAY?
Everything.
Marshall the cocker is sitting on my lap the other day, content to have his flaps rubbed. All of the sudden my wife sits down with a bag of Cheesy Poofs. Marshall's radar clicked on with an audible BANG and his head rotated 180 degrees and kept locked on that bag of Cheesy Poofs. Whenever the bag moved slightly, the head followed (keeping the proper angle so he could get rubbed also).
Finally he abandoned all pretense of sitting with me and devoted 100% of his attention to the orange bag on Mommy's lap. Since Mommy was half asleep (Cheesy Poofs - breakfast of champions), she was moving a Cheesy Poof toward her mouth when Marshall intercepted it. He crunched greedily.
The only thing better than Cheesy Poofs is kettle corn. And the only thing better than kettle corn is CAT FOOD!
Speaking of which, my wife came downstairs this morning to a heartwarming sight: Marshall had located the bag of Cheesy Poofs and was in the process of eviscerating it. But he was sharing with Satan the cat, which is so sweet. Marshall's method of consumption is akin to a vacuum cleaner. Satan just sat there, licking one Cheesy Poof busily.
Normally I'd be upset but they're my wacky kids. Plus there's a hidden agenda... I only like Bachmann Cheese Jax. My wife feels the same, however, every time she goes shopping, she seems to forget this and bring home a different brand. Since I won't eat them, the pets are just doing me a favor: we're just going to need more so another shopping trip is in order.
Lastly, I wanted to send everyone some good news for once. I know this blog sometimes portends doom, whether at my house or in the world in general. Today I bring you actual good news.
Gridlock is easing up in many metropolitan areas.
I thought to myself `how wonderful' and then wondered how gridlock can ease if there is no additional road surface to contain the volume. Stupid me, I assumed the volume was constant. No, the reason there is less gridlock is that the economy is in the toilet and gas gouging is at record levels.
But at least I got to bring you good news for once.
Remember the Crazy Lady next door? The one who called the township because we had some plating materials on our lawn? The county inspector was fairly amused at the entire claim. Well, he apparently hadn't seen nothing yet because Sparky, the alzheimers-addled old fellow out back, called the township because one of his neighbors `had too many birdhouses in her yard'. The poor inspector... he has to be wondering what's in the air over our block (nothing but black clouds, of course).
SO, WHAT ARE THE PETS INTO TODAY?
Everything.
Marshall the cocker is sitting on my lap the other day, content to have his flaps rubbed. All of the sudden my wife sits down with a bag of Cheesy Poofs. Marshall's radar clicked on with an audible BANG and his head rotated 180 degrees and kept locked on that bag of Cheesy Poofs. Whenever the bag moved slightly, the head followed (keeping the proper angle so he could get rubbed also).
Finally he abandoned all pretense of sitting with me and devoted 100% of his attention to the orange bag on Mommy's lap. Since Mommy was half asleep (Cheesy Poofs - breakfast of champions), she was moving a Cheesy Poof toward her mouth when Marshall intercepted it. He crunched greedily.
The only thing better than Cheesy Poofs is kettle corn. And the only thing better than kettle corn is CAT FOOD!
Speaking of which, my wife came downstairs this morning to a heartwarming sight: Marshall had located the bag of Cheesy Poofs and was in the process of eviscerating it. But he was sharing with Satan the cat, which is so sweet. Marshall's method of consumption is akin to a vacuum cleaner. Satan just sat there, licking one Cheesy Poof busily.
Normally I'd be upset but they're my wacky kids. Plus there's a hidden agenda... I only like Bachmann Cheese Jax. My wife feels the same, however, every time she goes shopping, she seems to forget this and bring home a different brand. Since I won't eat them, the pets are just doing me a favor: we're just going to need more so another shopping trip is in order.
----------------------------
Just in case there were any doubts, Bill Clinton still has it. Now let me ask you how many famous people `who should know better' pose for pictures with just anyone? And why couldn't he display this level of taste while he was in office?
----------------------------
There was encouraging news today from the world of the Great Unwashed. Americans Idle has dropped thirty percent in the ratings, for its lowest finale ever.
----------------------------
Lastly, I wanted to send everyone some good news for once. I know this blog sometimes portends doom, whether at my house or in the world in general. Today I bring you actual good news.
Gridlock is easing up in many metropolitan areas.
I thought to myself `how wonderful' and then wondered how gridlock can ease if there is no additional road surface to contain the volume. Stupid me, I assumed the volume was constant. No, the reason there is less gridlock is that the economy is in the toilet and gas gouging is at record levels.
But at least I got to bring you good news for once.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Why You Shouldn't Speak in Paragraphs
My wife answered the door last night. It was my brother.
brother: I hope I didn't interrupt anything.
wife: No, we're done and I have pictures for you...
brother: ummm..... no thanks.
wife: but your mom sent pictures for you.
brother: OH.
Why is it that forecasters can accurately predict the price gas is going to rise to at a certain time in the future but never when it is going to go back down?
Rick Santorum knows the private agenda of Satan, who has his sights set on the USA.
The only thing more amusing and sad is that people are voting for him.
There was a march on the White House yesterday. You didn't hear about it because it was military in support of Ron Paul. Four hundred military, in fact. Go ahead, say Ron Paul's foreign policy is weak; even the military knows he's correct.
Are you refusing to be body-scanned by the TSA? That's suspicious behavior, son...
brother: I hope I didn't interrupt anything.
wife: No, we're done and I have pictures for you...
brother: ummm..... no thanks.
wife: but your mom sent pictures for you.
brother: OH.
------------------
Why is it that forecasters can accurately predict the price gas is going to rise to at a certain time in the future but never when it is going to go back down?
------------------
The only thing more amusing and sad is that people are voting for him.
------------------
There was a march on the White House yesterday. You didn't hear about it because it was military in support of Ron Paul. Four hundred military, in fact. Go ahead, say Ron Paul's foreign policy is weak; even the military knows he's correct.
------------------
Are you refusing to be body-scanned by the TSA? That's suspicious behavior, son...
------------------
Today in musical news: Wolfgang's Vault is featuring 1983 footage of Joe Cocker singing `A White Shade of Pale'. The Vault is a tremendous musical destination on the web. Sign up for a free membership and see/listen to incredible classic rock content.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Why I Love Linux (and Hate Cats)
So I'm upgrading a laptop from Xubuntu 10.10 to 11.04 (oscillating ocelot). All is going incredibly smoothly, which is pretty much what I have come to expect with this process.
All of the sudden I hear the sound of an OS upgrade crashing, which exactly matches the sound of a laptop physically crashing to the ground. Apparently the cat wanted some attention.
I will not describe any of the sounds that followed other than to say the words kill and death kept appearing. They were the closest sounds to family friendly that were produced.
The laptop was frozen and would not reboot under any circumstances, so I had no choice but to power it down manually. [BONUS TIP: ctl-alt-prtscn +R-E-I-S-U-B will generally get a computer rebooted].
Upon bootup, the update continued almost from where it got stuck, then went fine.
THIS is why I love linux.
My cat, not so much.
You have no doubt read here about my dear little Satan. His previous act as FDU (Feline Desctruction Unit) was to turn on a circular faucet knob and flood the bathroom floor, ruining three layers of flooring, then seeping downstairs to ruin hundreds of old guitar magazines.
We suffered through thousands of dollars of vet bills for our diabetic darling. We even managed to stop him from blowing up the entire house with the gas burners. He has disembowled countless Christmas trees and ruined furniture. He even trashed an entire vintage radio before I could restore it.
After my outburst (which you might have heard), my wife calculated that the best way to deal with all of my brilliant ideas concerning Satan would be to ignore me. My wife is a very smart woman and this solution tends to work very well for her in general.
All of the sudden I hear the sound of an OS upgrade crashing, which exactly matches the sound of a laptop physically crashing to the ground. Apparently the cat wanted some attention.
I will not describe any of the sounds that followed other than to say the words kill and death kept appearing. They were the closest sounds to family friendly that were produced.
The laptop was frozen and would not reboot under any circumstances, so I had no choice but to power it down manually. [BONUS TIP: ctl-alt-prtscn +R-E-I-S-U-B will generally get a computer rebooted].
Upon bootup, the update continued almost from where it got stuck, then went fine.
THIS is why I love linux.
My cat, not so much.
You have no doubt read here about my dear little Satan. His previous act as FDU (Feline Desctruction Unit) was to turn on a circular faucet knob and flood the bathroom floor, ruining three layers of flooring, then seeping downstairs to ruin hundreds of old guitar magazines.
We suffered through thousands of dollars of vet bills for our diabetic darling. We even managed to stop him from blowing up the entire house with the gas burners. He has disembowled countless Christmas trees and ruined furniture. He even trashed an entire vintage radio before I could restore it.
After my outburst (which you might have heard), my wife calculated that the best way to deal with all of my brilliant ideas concerning Satan would be to ignore me. My wife is a very smart woman and this solution tends to work very well for her in general.
----------
In a recent security class, we were coming up with all sorts of interesting ways to protect things. One wag suggested a security guard armed with rocket-propelled grenades and a dog with an AK-47.
The thought was most amusing but when it comes to the bottom line, they need to substitute a cat with an AK-47 instead. The cat is always a better deterrent because one never knows what an evil kitty is going to do, AK-47 or not.
Do you feel lucky today, punk?
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