Glass of Water for Mr. Grainger

Your love is like bunyons

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale....

I saw more news coverage of Dawn Wells dying than peace in the Middle East.

And while we're at it, Bond Girl and Mrs. Pinciotti (70s Show) Tanya Roberts has left the building. 

BUT WAIT... her representative, who said she had died, now says she's still alive, but "It does not look good."

ThermionicEmissions remains flummoxed that people still have difficulty telling the difference between alive and dead. It doesn't require a medical degree: sometimes you can tell by, you know.... heartbeat.

HOSPITAL: she's in ICU

REP: she's dead

HOSPITAL: she's not dead

REP: it doesn't look good

HOSPITAL: we're beginning to see a recovery

REP: the recovery was temporary and short-lived

HOSPITAL: she's out of ICU

REP: It won't be long now

HOSPITAL: she's recovering, we sent her home with medicine

REP: she has gone home to die

Monty Python/Eric Idle: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD

AND FINALLY: Tanya Roberts has expired, per her boyfriend.

Because if he didn't know, who would? 

So hey - how is the USPS delivery of your packages coming, lefty?

Still 1 promising that it's coming - the USPS just doesn't know where it is.

The other, the USPS just gave up and doesn't send notices anymore.

I feel bad canceling my purchases...

• Tesla delivered a record 500,000 vehicles in 2020
• aside from bursting into flames, they're great cars 

Mainstream or Pr0n: Devil in Salem, Building "Java" Programs, Feluda.Pherot-Chhinnomostar.obhishap

Today I identify as a monocle

A giant black hole keeps evading detection and scientists can't explain it

I'm telling you, it's the aliens: "Hey DJ#&@NS%, move the black hole. Daily. That'll confuse the hell out of them."

• China did a great job, bringing back samples from the Moon. Joe Biden is worried that they also exported the Flying AIDS to the Moon. Future American astronauts will be required to wear masks.

the Atlantic's executive editor penned a scathing warning that vast social networks like Facebook "can harm society just by existing..."

But there aren't enough moderators speaking enough languages, working enough hours, to stop the biblical flood of shit that Facebook unleashes on the world

and I've been saying this for how long? 

But this person's ideas aren't going to work, because if you put a windshield or a keyboard in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole<tm>. A plea to 'play nice' won't go very far, nor will a place where niceness is enforced.

• Research on finishing a project once you start it shows that you need to cut your goals in half.
• We could have told them that. If you set your goal halfway, not to finish things, you'll be successful 92% of the time.

Remember how I used to say, "It's not a heart attack, it's a cardiac event?" The press is using it now.  It's getting to the point where I want to get paid for this stuff.

• As if the Flying AIDS isn't bad enough, Microsoft is planning 'sweeping visual rejuvenation of Windows to show that Windows is BACK'
• That's about right. One of the many problems with Win 10 is the complete redesign to fool users - hey, let's hide everything! Why not again? Microsoft keeps its fingers on the pulse of the world, to make sure they're doing something else.

My coworkers are all back from vacation. I can tell this because nothing is getting done. No, wait, that tells me nothing...their in-office indicators tell me they're back in. I'm not saying I do a lot of work: I'm saying they don't do a lot of work.

Dear lefty 

• My girlfriend and I are in love. We plan to marry next year, but she insists on holding out til then. My entire body is blue. What to do?
• ghb you 2 need to have a serious conversation, maybe some counseling. What kind of anachronism is she? What if you find out she lays there like a dead fish? These are the kinds of things you need to know before you get stuck together for life. If all else fails, tell her you're having 'pretend sex' - that way you didn't really have sex and she'll be ok til the wedding

There is a new prototype of the largest wind turbine ever - 4/5 the size of the Empire State Building. What gives me an industrial mega-wedgie is that there are guys required to get on top of the pole to attach the propellor. That's beyond scary. If this thing ever hits you, there won't even be a small red splotch on the prop to pull some DNA.

In related news, the Empire State Building is damn tired of being used for measurement. It says there are taller buildings - use them. It's old and just wants to live out its time quietly.

"A woman is dead after the car she was traveling in crashed .."

"Investigators say the driver failed to make the turn, hitting a pole head-on."

Doesn't sound like the car crashed at all, does it? Cars get all the blame. Or maybe the GPS told her to take the next pole.

RIP driver.

Another market being killed by the Flying AIDS is cocaine, although people are smoking more weed. Yet another example of how businesses are hurt by mandatory closures. Maybe one of those food delivery services can pitch in... 

Hello, Food Hub.

Where can I order from?

McDonalds, KFC, Olive Garden, or Dr. Ron's

Dr. Ron's?

Yeah, the doctor makes you feel better.

Does Dr. Ron's have fries?

Most people order Dr. Ron's and McDonalds.

How much do you charge for delivery?

$5 for McDonalds, $25 for Dr. Ron's, for bail.

Speaking of 5G, a bunch of people were convinced that Bill Gates was going to put a 5G chip in them; a schematic of the chip was provided. After a little study, the schematic turned out to be for a guitar pedal, the Boss Metal Zone. What a cool idea - the voices in your head can be all distorted. The only problem is that distorted vocals are almost unintelligible. We suggest you stick to the unmodified voices.

• Definition of Unsettling: during a 1 man space flight, a Chinese astronaut heard banging on the outside of the capsule. Fortunately it was not accompanied by Let Me In.

Let's stop the horrible news and get on to something arty: a 33 metre (4.5 gram) vagina sculpture in Brazil has the right pretty pissed off, so to speak. Man, you could get lost in there for days...

The CIA is rebranding to attract more diverse operatives.

So now if your government falls, or important people have 'heart attacks,' it may be because of a more diverse employee at the CIA. 

The Philly 76ers are ahead in their division. 

• Half of Philly said WHO?
• Half of Philly said Are they our minor league soccer team?
• 1/3 of Philly said And this matters why?
• I said Who cares about football? 

The only reason I know this is that I saw it on Channel 69 Sports. 

I saw it on 69! I saw it on 69! I'll never get tired of saying that.

Who Are You and What Have You Done with my Band?

It was getting dark and just started raining.  Of course it just started raining - I had just loaded the car and we were on the way to the club where the band was performing.  The optimists will say `at least it wasn't snowing.' I hate optimists.  Optimists weren't at this place last time when it was raining cats and frogs.  Cars and small houses were washing by the window as we were playing.  We had to wait for a ferry to the front door.

As any non-optimist would predict, the rain stopped after we loaded our gear into the place.  At the risk of sounding like an optimist, at least it would be nicer for the people coming to see us.

After three grueling years, we managed to agree on a name [Wolfe Blitzer].  And when I say agree, I mean no one objected, which is the best we could manage.  I remain convinced that Male Pattern Baldness would have been a much better name, but got voted down. [as George Bush said, `things would have been easier if this were a dictatorship and I was the dictator'].

In related news, the bar still had old information about our name.  We're used to this, as we sometimes change our name three or four times a night.

The core of the band has been together for about three years.  Recently we added a new bassist, percussionist and keyboardist, which really seemed to fill things out (as well as taking up much more space onstage).  And when I say onstage, I mean `the area in front of the pool table, which wasn't moving and upon which we were instructed not to place anything.'  As that was our single instruction, we complied.

SPATIAL DYNAMICS

Spatial dynamics is the science of how things fit, given a certain space (and I'm only making up a tiny bit of this).  Within any group (or marriage), there will be people who get it and people who don't.  The band is somewhat gifted, in that two thirds of us get it.  Unfortunately it's the ones who don't get it who cause all the trouble.  See if you can pick them out:

Bob brings in his equipment and sets it up where it doesn't interfere with everyone else.
Sue brings in her equipment and plops it down in the middle of the stage then goes to talk to people.

Julie sets up the p.a. system because the band needs to start on time.
Stan watches the p.a. be carried by then starts drinking heavily.

George tunes his guitar and sets his amps.
Roger excels at finding the most annoying noises imaginable.  Over and over again.

We've all got them.

THE CROWD

lefty's First Axiom of Performing is that if the band starts, roughly at the same time, and finishes, roughly at the same time and in roughly the same key, people will enjoy themselves.  I'm not certain the band believed me at first but it bore itself out in the first set.  The crowd went nuts.

lefty's Second Axiom of Performing is that if you bring the crowd, it doesn't matter how poorly you perform. This also proved true (it was axiomatic).

We are the kind of band who brings new meaning to the phrase `Drink up - we sound (and look) much better the more you drink'.    We had a band meeting last week, during which we discussed our appearance.  I made sure to mention that since we're onstage, we have to look as LARGE and LOUD as possible.  As a result, everyone came in jeans and black t-shirts.  Our lighting consisted of four or six red and blue spotlights, which succeeded in making us look darker, as if that were possible, not to mention the fact that no retinas were spared.  We went blind before the second song.  So much for DIY lighting.

The place was packed.  We were standing room only (SRO).  There were people actually dancing.  It's been so long since we've seen happy audience members that we became concerned and wanted to call an ambulance.

It probably doesn't happen at every show but people actually cheered when we played Jimi Hendrix.  It probably didn't hurt that after the songs, I set the drummer on fire.  This might also have something to do with my wife's comment that we held the Geritol crowd enthralled.  It was, however, a bit sad when we realized that these people were our contemporaries.

Due to the spectacular lighting, I had to look down at my guitar a lot.  I also `go away' sometimes when I play.  It flipped me out to look up and have women going crazy in front of me.  But I am a true musician<tm>.  And what is a true musician<tm>?  The one who marvels at the women staring at him.  Then one steps up to the mic.  She sings out of key.  And POOF - she's no longer desirable.

It's a sickness, I assure you.

No,. really, it was an incredible experience, especially for a first time band outing.  I'm older than most of the people out playing these days.  My goals are not all that lofty:

• to play enjoyable classic rock in dive (and nice) bars
• to make people happy
• to stroke my ego with attractive women
• playing is the best therapy there is - I want lots of it

For clarification, I'm married, so all stroking is strictly visual (and imaginary).  It seems that I met my goals.  This does not happen often and was a welcome surprise.  I spent the next few days smiling (and sore, but that's a different story entirely).

My friends `caught' me playing a Springsteen song and asked if Madonna was next.
The reactions were mixed and hysterical:

"When are they playing somewhere with a real stage?"
"Why aren't they playing originals?"
"They should play song parodies."
"How come only one of them moves?"
"I"m sorry, I had to stay home and do my hair."

EVIDENCE

I saw a lot of flashes and cell phone cameras, in addition to a video camera or two.  As a result, there are almost no pictures and absolutely no video of the event.  Should this change, I will post it here.

I did see one light in the darkness after we were done.  It was my best friend, holding up his iPhone, on which was an animation of a lighter.  I told him I would have recognized it earlier if it were an Android phone.

Friends don't let friends use iDevices.
Don't be an iHole.

TECHNICAL DETAILS

The band had its first outing with the brand new p.a. system.  The system included a Peavey 8600 powered mixer and a pair of Peavey two way speakers (15" and compression driver).  The percussionist promised me he had Marshall decals to cover the Peaveys because I was embarrassed but he never produced them (he was subsequently fired).

I will say this once and if you quote me I will deny it emphatically: the system absolutely rocked.  It did exactly what it had to with plenty of headroom to spare.  We had to jigger up a monitor system because we don't have any and wound up using guitar amps, which worked fine.

guitar: lefty `77 Strat, `59 reissue Les Paul --> Voodo Vibe, Dano compressor, CTO-1 overdrive, RV-3 reverb, original Fender Blues Deluxe amp.

guitar: backwards (righty) recent Strat, Fender Blues Jr amp

bass: custom Rick 400x, SVT stack

keys: Nord, Sony(?)

drums: round bangy things with a strategically-placed vibra-slap.  The evening could not have gone as well without the vibra-slap (the thing that sounds like a rattlesnake in All Along the Watchtower and Feelin' Alright).

percussion: more round bangy things with a few plastic bangy things (and lots of callouses)