Johnny, Don't Stack the Bodies in the Garage, Please

 

Your love is like  antidepressants that make your penis useless

Major tampon makers pledge to tackle US shortages

This is where people can borrow some of the rhetoric of the anti-gunners: There will be blood in the streets! 

Today I identify as  a guy who gets all sorts of wild, kinky sex

Way to go, Supreme Court - you've gone backwards. Women are no longer sovereign over their own bodies.  Flushing America down the toilet, one freedom at a time.

Green Day 'singer' Billie Joe Armstrong is renouncing his US citizenship. While this could be a good things for people who like music, it will no doubt wind up like the people moving to Canada if Trump won. Zero went.

• NOTICE: you cannot purchase a lawnmower cover if you want one from any place that might rhyme with Bone Depot. It has nothing to do with supply chain issues; they just don't carry them.
• In related news, going from a 13" to a 17" blade makes the dreaded mowing time shorter for me. Ladies, you're right - size does matter.

I woke up next to a naked lady. 

Looking everything over, she seemed largely to be my wife. This is good, especially given Wife's strict No Dating policy. 

Being a male of the species, my eye went right to a mammalian protuberance. I studied it in depth. I didn't have a lot of depth perception, as I was only using one eye. The other eye was in the pillow, still asleep. This is the closest I get to multitasking. Giving it some thought, worshiping is not the same as studying, so I spent some quality time with it (the closer one, obviously). It was absolutely fascinating, the way each part came together to make the whole. I am obviously going to have to spend more time clinically and artistically appreciating the fun bags. 

• It's not that I sit around a lot, but we had to get rid of the motion sensors on the lights; they kept turning off while I sat.

Amazon fears it could run out of US warehouse workers by 2024

Here's a fun story: if you think about it, this means people are smarter than they were before the Flying AIDS. There are no more people stupid enough to work for Amazon.

Amazon shows off robot warehouse workers that won't complain, quit, unionize...

BUT, here we have two headlines, a day apart, about Amazon. Amazon is nowhere near as evil as Microsoft, unless you have to work for them. Last year I said that as soon as Amazon got robots, workers had better have their resumes current and out. This also signals greater health in the population, as warehouses will no longer be falling on workers. It also saves billions in insurance and payouts, because robots don't sue (for now). Like with the automation of McDonald's, the only trick will be programming the robots to screw up your order. Maybe they can use AI.

Factoid: the average Amazon worker lasts 8 months, a wacky amount under the average worker anywhere else. 

 

YouTube Runs Ad Offering American Men a Ukrainian Woman

You gotta love this. YouTube, one of the Great Censors of the net, ran an ad pushing Ukranian brides. Apparently one of the attractions is that American men are more ambitious and socially and financially responsible. That says a lot about Ukranian men. English is also spoken.

One doesn't have to watch too much pr0n to know some Eastern European women are gorgeous.  Just think about it.... socially responsible would be hosting a gorgeous woman while her country is being invaded.  Married men should proceed slowly.

Biden sends every signal that he is running again.

He wants to be just like Obama, so the Secret Service runs with him every morning.

Whose brilliant idea was this? The democratic slogan was "this is the best we got" and they're going to run this disaster again? The man is cognitively-impaired, as well as spending-forward.

New monkeypox advice is to have sex with your clothes on and masturbate six feet apart

Unable to give clueless advice on the Flying AIDS anymore, the CDC is onto its next pandemic; Monkeypox. Perhaps they can explain how to have penetrative sex six feet apart.

 

‘I literally lost organs:’ Why detransitioned teens regret changing genders

Just when you were getting used to adding 'transitioned' to your vocabulary, it's time to add 'detransitioned.' These are the unfortunate people who are changing back to their original gender. I have no trouble with anybody doing what they want with their body, but I feel sorry for people with the notion they're in the wrong body, or OOPS, I shouldn't have transitioned.

My understanding was that the transitioning person is given a battery of psychological tests to determine they're healthy and the decision is not coming from some other disorder. In Multiple Personality Disorder, one of the personalities can 'hijack' the body and do things to it. This is checked for. Or maybe not. The article states that the kids were ignored until they found unconditional support on the net. This is so dangerous. Again we have poor parenting and no self-esteem.

Lastly, at what age should kids be allowed to make this decision?

US Senate passes first gun control bill in decades

Yet more unconstitutional law - more abridgment of your rights. Let your senator know.

 

I had many years of Customer Weirdness, in which things went well, so long as I never left the house. If I went to a restaurant, from fast food up, the order would get messed up, if it even arrived. While waiting to be seated, a relative asked me to stand away from the family so they'd get seated. At that restaurant, food arrived for everyone, except me. The waitress stood there, looking confused, "Oh, did you order something?" 

While it was difficult to figure out what would come on top of my burger, you could rest assured it would contain whatever I said it shouldn't. I do not eat mayonnaise or tomatoes on burgers, so they would always be there. How was I supposed to know you had to order them without mayo or tomatoes. And when I figured this out, the burger would still have mayo and tomatoes on it. Tomatoes are easy to remove... just take a bite and they will go rocketing out the other end. Mayo not so much. I guess this was because no one eats mayo on meat where I grew up (Mars).

I went for a while where this stopped happening. Cynics will say it was because I was stuck in the house for two years. It was a great time because I always got exactly what I ordered or what I wanted was in stock.

Unfortunately Customer Weirdness is back.

Just this morning I asked for our favorite frozen treat at Dunkin. What arrived was frozen coffee with insufficient cream and no sugar. It wasn't what we've been getting for the last ten years. My English hasn't changed. The menu hasn't changed.

I once went to a guitar show and couldn't get one of the vendors to wait on me. I stood there and waved a bunch of cash, hoping someone would help. Nope. I'm reasonably certain I'm not invisible, although perhaps I don't know when it happens.

Yesterday we were at a store, checking out. There were exactly two checkout lanes, human-occupied, and a boatload of self checkouts. Since there were already 47 people in the human-occupied line, we sadly used a self checkout. And the first item stopped the entire process, calling for help. Manglement lets us know that they're not using plastic bags, they're using paper, which they switched to plastic years back. In any case, they were charging us for the paper bags. I smiled my best killer sarcasm smile while I told her how happy that made us. Then I told her we must have missed the large sign telling us we had to pay for them. Naturally there was no sign. Then she yells across the store that we have to re-scan the item that caused the problem. Oh, we should have known that too. I guess supply chain issues hurt their brains somehow.

T-Mobile has started selling your app data to advertisers

It was inevitable. You are merely a product, whether you're paying for the service or not.

Don't tell Elon, cuz he's gonna get jealous.

Toyota and Subaru are recalling EVs because the tires might literally fall off.

"Sharp turns and sudden braking" might cause this, so in the meantime, drive your vehicle very slowly to the dealership. Or have it towed and send your dealer the bill. Better yet, drive like a loon, because we like to see the world burn!

Monkeypox is not a global health emergency for now, WHO says

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY... the CDC fights the WHO in a no holds barred grudge match, over whether Monkeypox is a pandemic or not. If not, when can it BE a pandemic. Special guest referree: Lord Fauci

Joe Walsh  -  BAND PLAYED ON

[Analog Man - buy it]

Look out my window see a world that's on fire
Some people think that we should just let it burn
With all this ignorance the flames just get higher... Higher

All of these people with their misinformation
Must be the truth if it's a blog on the screen...
We got to buy it it's the latest creation

Too many icebergs out on the ocean
Too many chances to sink like a stone
The great titanic about to go under
And the band played on

Guess everybody needs a new pair of glasses
A lot of shit out there nobody can see
Yeah everybody's got their heads up their asses

We're all out here dead in the water
We got a leak in the boat
We're up shit creek without a paddle
Just trying to stay afloat

Joe did his best to send all his brain cells elsewhere, yet many remain.

He makes a good point.

Functionally Miserable, but Watch Out for Aardvarks at the Beach

Your love is like   deep fried tires

Here’s what happens when cops pull over a driverless Cruise vehicle

At least it didn't explode when it pulled over....

Today I identify as  Stevie Nicks

I just filled up my car for FIFTY NINE DOLLARS. This includes a discount.

I don't drive an SUV or truck. That must mean gas is ridiculously high.

Apropos of nothing, Exxon's last profit statement was through the roof.

Now Congress is knocking at their door.

When this is over, do you think all the price increases will roll back? 

• One part of Philadelphia's subway system is closed today because of Operator Shortage. 
• If this isn't a sickout, where are the people? Everyone needs employees - are they hiding under a rock?

The oven mitt sat comfortably, by itself, against the coffee table in the living room.

I couldn't decide whether to explode or go with it. The doctors told me to be more accepting, so I smiled at it. It smiled back, as did the sofa. So there we were, the three of us, smiling away; none wondering if our meds needed adjusting, It would definitely be one less oven mitt to help in the kitchen when we needed to avoid being burned. I have a very nice pot, that I hear is very expensive, with the requisite two handles. One is fine, the other gets so hot I can't touch it. It all makes perfect sense to me, no matter if I live in the seven ring circus or the five ring circus. It's the same circus - only the rings change.

Mrs. lefty has a sick relative and will be off attending to them (them is their chosen pronoun). No it's not.  So the amount of rings in the circus will probably decrease, as there will be only one ringmaster for a bit. Naturally we're back to the age old debate of who's going to babysit me while she's gone. With all the trouble she's having lately, I wonder if Valerie Bertinelli is around. But then that would bring out my Inner Helper and we'd probably have to add another ring to the circus. It's too late to call Linda Fiorentino or my one stunning cousin. Things aren't looking good for me, in terms of babysitters. Wife needs to have relatives get sick with more notice next time, so I can procure an acceptable babysitter. 

The IRS already ruled that each of her personalities cannot file individually; talk about inflexibility. They all did not get their checks in the Great Money Giveaway. You try explaining to a mob of kids why they don't all get a check. No matter, it just went to household emergencies. The household emergency fund is my paycheck, plus any other income that may appear.

So I'm gonna be alone for a bit. I'm pretty sure I have custody of the dog. The dog will be terribly confused, as her main gig is following her mommy around the house. I will be terribly confused, as there will be no one to tell me, "You can't wear that - it's all wrinkled." The dog doesn't cook either, which is dreadful. She gets depressed (no, really) when her mommy is gone and just lays on the couch. Come to think of it, so do I.

Speaking of the IRS, we tried doing our taxes today. Note: tried.

It's a minor miracle in that it's before June or October. We use an online service, that has sent me an email every day since last April. I got two today. Signing on is fun, in that it requires multi-factor authorization (MFA). This is more secure than login and password, and twelve times as annoying. It wanted to send me an email with a code to put back in the website before I could go ahead. It also asked for a piece of my mother's nose hair, a bit of my wife's pubic hair (because we're filing jointly), and a few used guitar strings, so they know it's me. This was merely Step One on our journey.

The program remembered who I was, bless it, and wanted to verify some stuff on my W2. So I went to get my W2 and couldn't find it, despite downloading it and keeping three copiealong with a fourth in my pillowcase (shit, I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I?). Never mind, I'd simply log into work and get yet another copy. Oh no, this was gonna involve Windows. The pain continued, as Windows tried to decide if my credentials were correct, then welcomed me a lot. Minutes later I had a desktop, but no wireless connection - you have to wait even longer for that. Once logged into work, I brought up a browser to get the information and it stared at me. I told it to open a new tab and it stared at me more, only this time its eyes were looking in two separate directions at the same time. The browser was either in Complete Refusal or had locked up entirely. So I brought up another browser. Eventually. Slowly. Monolithically. It came up behind the Broken Browser, so I didn't know it was there. Have I mentioned this process is painful?

I logged into my W2 program and don'tcha know, it too wanted to email me a code before it logged me in. I can't fault security, being a Professional Security d00d, but it was killing me. Eventually I got what I was looking for and emailed to myself (go email yourself). In the meantime, the tax program logged me out. So I had to login again, with another one-time email code. Even my email program was laughing at me.

The rest of it was pretty easy, and when I say the rest of it, I mean uploading the W2. After that there were more problems, including more paperwork that wasn't sent to us in error.

Every. Single. Step. of this process has been painful. Is it like this for you?

After days of getting nothing done, I went to make dinner and burned myself, because I couldn't find the oven mitt. Do you ever have months like this? 

Flying AIDS News 

The painfully simple reason Hong Kong saw one of the highest COVID death rates

Appears to have peaked.... but Incomplete data likely masks a rise in U.S. Covid cases as focus on infection counts fades

Shanghai residents question human cost of China's COVID quarantines

“Implausible:” Zero deaths in Shanghai’s COVID spike spurs skepticism

DC’s Gridiron COVID outbreak tally hits 72 as cases tick up nationwide

• Here's a cheap present for friends or yourself: a Vermin Supreme keychain. Show your support for everybody's favorite libertarian with a boot on his head.

Ya know, I was very sympathetic to Britney Spears' mental well-being and conservatorship. As her conservatorship ended, she announced she is pregnant. If ending conservatorship means pregnancy, perhaps ex-Disney folks are better off staying conserved. 

• President Taxit announced new gun control, demanding all 3d guns be serialized and registered. It's the Constitution, Brandon. Biden also demanded that the guns be diverse.

• In related news, Mexico's wants to sue US gun manufacturers for $10bn. Because we're the cause of their violence. Actually it makes sense from a health standpoint.. if you blame the cartels, you'll wind up dead.

The microchip implants that let you pay with your hand

it's not often I find myself agreeing with some Christian groups, but they refer to it as Really Bad Stuff, like the mark of the beast kinda thing. I'm just going with Really Bad Stuff. Initially, people were really excited to get these implants, as a trial run. But then, people are interested in posting their Social Security numbers on Faceyspaces. Many are still interested.

• although they're FDA-approved, so are phones and Flying AIDS vaccines. Do you really want radio frequencies to penetrate your skin?
• using Bluetooth and other technologies, hackers can already access information on your phone. It won't be long til they can access your arm.
• rest assured the data will be owned and mined and you'll have less and less freedom.

Just when I'm worried about seeing stuff, the pill bottle starts moving toward me and leaps to the floor. I'm not prescribed this kind of medicine. Warning: the glass on the front of the iDevice is incredibly slippery and almost anything you put on it will wander. 

SpaceX launches first totally private mission to the International Space Station

Nothing good will come of this...

• NASA veterans will look down their noses at these young whippersnappers
• California astronauts will want to "catch a gnarly space wave, dude!"
• Floridians will change Space Dinner to 4:00
• Texans will start on plans to make it twice the size (everything's bigger in Texas, even if it's in space)
• the Bible Belt astronauts will make sure there's no abortion (or pr0n) on the ISS

Mars News

On Mars, the speed of sound depends on its pitch.

All sound travels slower through Mars’ air compared with Earth’s. But the higher-pitched clacks of a laser zapping rocks travels slightly faster in the thin Martian atmosphere than the lower-pitched hum of the Ingenuity helicopter, researchers report April 1 in Nature.

What this means is that you'll hear classic rock sooner than you'll hear the Hot Hits on the radio, with the low-pitched drum machines. Even Mars knows what's good. 

Secret Government Info Confirms First Known Interstellar Object on Earth, Scientists Say

Meteor falls to Earth in 2014.

It was kept secret for 8 years.

Even with our government's penchant for secrecy, why would this be classified so?

This stuff needs to stop.

• Obama jokes with 'Vice-President Biden' at White House
• Biden worried for President Obama over this Russia thing 

“The more laws and commands there are, the more thieves and robbers there will be.” – Laozi

the Beetles

Philly Gets its Own Shooting

You saw it on the news. You caught live feeds on Youtube. You listened to the scanners. Philly's very own shooting. Unfortunately it's not a mass shooting event, with only 6 police shot (none seriously, thankfully). Here's a timeline, sorta:


Philly police went to serve a drug warrant on a man in North Philly.

When they got to the neighborhood, they were taunted and had projectiles thrown at them.

• probably the same people who say the police need to protect them from drug violence.

Police entered the house.

Man with a semi-automatic rifle let loose on them.

Police wisely use doors and windows to exit.


Perp fires out the window at random intervals.

• Street cleared of everybody but SWAT and a few police. No one hurt.

Perp livestreams on Faceyspaces.

• Because nothing happens til it's on Faceyspaces first.

No contact with perp, in spite of bullhorns and phone calls.

News goes viral - the whole world's watching.

A daycare center advises parents the kids are safe but don't pick them up yet.

Eventually the police commissioner makes the first statement. Next at the mic was the mayor, using his first sentence to call for gun control.

• Oh, sorry, Mayor Sanctuary City.. the gun was illegally obtained. Your gun control laws won't prevent this. It's already illegal to own the rifle and illegal to sell drugs. Any other agendas you'd like to go over?

Democratic candidates for president go into Gun Control Mode with the press.

• Sure didn't take them long. Again, the rifle was illegally obtained. In fact, the criminals will be the only ones with guns if you get your way. Never let facts stand in the way of an argument.

Hours later, the perp's attorney gets involved and convinces him to surrender peacefully.

• A very smart attorney who is also wise. "They won't shoot you with the whole world watching."

On the way to jail, perp falls down several flights of steps, then punches himself in the face and body repeatedly (unverified) (completely made up).


Credit to the Philly Police for lack of stormtroopering. They did not rush the house, preferring instead to talk it out first. Philly got a serious black eye during the MOVE situation. A satchel of explosives was dropped on a house by the police commissioner, taking out the house, an inhabitant or two, and the entire block. The taxpayers had to pay to rebuild the entire block. As is typical, the taxpayers had to pay to re-rebuild the block when the original construction was found to be seriously faulty.



Some libertarians say this makes a hell of a point for legalizing drugs and not tampering with the Second Amendment. Do you agree?




UPDATE: I heard a very small snatch of a press conference, possibly from Philly's governor, possibly mayor: I'm going to push the legislature to start passing laws to get the guns out of the hands of criminals.

Huh?

It's already illegal for criminals to have guns. Are you feeling ok today?

Oh Atlanta

The city of Atlanta got hit with ransomware a few days back. FBI, Microsoft, and Cisco are investigating. Mayor Keisha Bottoms (good God, no!) announced that the breach had been ransomware.  There is no word on whether the ransom will be paid, as Mayor Bottoms (I'm going to keep typing this name for months) did not elaborate. As we all remember, if you keep good backups, you should be ok. And don't click on anything. Anything. Just don't.

• It is with great surprise that I congratulate my area's snow removal personnel. Before the very large storm was over, the streets were clear. Including mine, which tends to be toward the back of the line. With a day or two of sun, there was precious little to shovel. Remember: shoveling is the major cause of heart attacks. Don't shovel.

Many many people marched over the weekend to protest the recent shootings. Or rather, they marched for gun control. Thousands and thousands of people marched against their own rights. 

Now, the disclaimers: 

* the marchers have every right to march - it's their First Amendment right, which I support wholeheartedly. 

* what happened in Parkland (and every other location) was unconscionable. Beyond tragedy. My heart goes out to those left behind. There was no reason for any of it.

* is there really any surprise that the shooter had issues, after the police were called to the house approximately 30 times?

* the sheriff and other law enforcement people failed to enter the school while the shooting was in progress. Police response time was 20 minutes.

* had the school taught the kids about the Constitution, perhaps they'd think twice about leaving class to protest it. But we don't seem to have any investment in teaching our children anything useful. I continue to not use algebra.

* one of the marchers in New York was Sir Paul McCartney. I don't know what Sir Paul's country of residence is, but I am getting tired of being lectured by people outside the country, who do not understand our laws and Constitution. It's bad enough our own people don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only musician who isn't a liberal (or conservative).

* I don't want to lose one life, under any circumstances; child or adult. I truly wish I had a solution. Gutting the Second Amendment is not the answer.

* No word on the senseless tragedy from Atlanta's mayor, Keisha Bottoms (told you so).

In the past day, I discovered that permits were applied for two months in advance of the parade.

• My friends at the Wall Street Journal (I lied - they don't return my calls) tell us that a Vanderbilt University researcher claims that hospital data breaches lead to patient deaths. 2100 patient deaths each year, according to the study. After a breach, quality of care goes down for some reason. This is a great article to read first thing. I love the smell of doom in the morning. 

The other day at the airport, beepers started going off. They were plentiful, and they were shrill.  Lots of serious-looking men in uniform, with guns, started arriving and waving these odd wallet-size devices around. They would emit their own screeching, varying in pitch. Eventually they located a woman and turned their beepers off. There are radiation sensors all over the place and the devices were portable detectors.  What triggered them? A woman who had a medical procedure involving low level radiation, five days prior.  I read about this happening at a border crossing a few years back, again from a prior medical procedure. Well, it's a good thing people aren't carrying dirty nukes through the airport, I guess. You can decide if your tax dollars are well-spent.

• The encryption mechanism in Firefox and Thunderbird's "Master Password" feature was found vulnerable.  If you use either, they will be upgraded. In the "I told you so" department, do not store passwords in your browser, please. Use a password manager.

The Coworker Chats

Monday morning...

ME: I've got training today from 1-2 and tomorrow from 3-4.

Tuesday morning...

HIM: I'm a little confused. Do you have training today?

ME: Yes, 3-4.

HIM: ok, thank you. I got my handbook today. Did you?

ME: I didn't order the print version.

HIM: So you received the download?

ME: no.

HIM: you don't need the handbook?

ME: I haven't received it.

HIM:  but we all got an email from them, asking us which we wanted.

ME: Please do not talk to me in the morning. Or afternoon.

-----------------------------------------------------------

ME: that training on helpdesk I took was a mess
HIM: the service desk or ???

ME: one of us needs to take a remedial English class. Guess which? The other one of us needs to start drinking,.

My old boss suggested pills, "because drinking takes too long to get good at".

------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of old bosses, yesterday I flashed back to an old job. I was driving into work, when I got a call from my boss, who had gone missing for a week or two. He wanted me to be impressed because he admitted that he was an addict.

I pride myself on not overreacting to bizarre and sometimes tragic information, so I was able to drive while listening. I humored him (that's great, man, going away for 28 days?). He subsequently disappeared for another week, called to say hello, then disappeared completely.

Since that was the morning for phone calls, I got another, from a coworker. He got pulled over by the police, who found rather serious drugs, for some reason, and he was 'going away' for a bit.

So, aside from losing a substantial portion of our department, it was a pretty good day.

Epilogue:
I ran for boss. Coworker said he'd pray for me (he was serious). I became boss. Did good work. Drug Person went away for a while (we threw him a going away party). A year or two later, we were horrified to learn Boss died. Now I work for a place where gravity is more than a suggestion.

• The Federal Trade Commission announced it is launching an investigation into Faceyspaces' data privacy practices. Where have these people been for the last ten years?
• Rob Sherman is the deputy chief privacy officer at Faceyspaces, who said “We remain strongly committed to protecting people’s information. We appreciate the opportunity to answer questions the FTC may have.”
• In other news, Faceyspaces has a deputy chief privacy officer.  I hear the NSA has a deputy chief privacy officer too. Can you imagine that job? The main task is checking to see that your salary was electronically deposited on time. Perhaps the two of them play golf. Tiddlywinks? A second career in porn?
• Zuckerberg's take on your lack of privacy? You signed up for it.
• Atlanta mayor Keisha Bottoms has not announced whether she will appoint a chief privacy officer for Atlanta. Judging by the ransomware attack, the answer is no (I could go all day with this).

Dan Schneider and Nickelodon have parted ways.
Opted to end their longtime partnership.
Agreed to not extend the current deal.
Pursue other opportunities and projects.

Dan is responsible for The Amanda Show, What I Like About You, Drake & Josh, Zoey 101, iCarly, Victorious, Sam & Cat and more.

What this mealy-mouthed, extended litany of bull excrement translates to is: Hey Dan... the poop is hitting the whirling device's blades. The stories of your pedophilia are coming fast and furious. We cannot call you a pedophile, at least according to our legal department, so we'll agree to voluntarily separate.

Hollywood is a cesspool, although not the only industry we will hear from on this topic.

After thinking about this for a while, I finally remembered where I saw him.... he's Ricky from Better off Dead!

Dan Schneider

Ricky - Better off Dead

RIP David Ogden Steirs - Better off Dead (and M*A*S*H)

If you have not seen Better off Dead, stop what you're doing and find a copy. Rent or buy, if necessary. The movie stars a very young John Cusack, as the kind of guy that life likes to take a dump on every now and then. I cannot accurately describe it but it's hilarious and suitable for all ages (I think). If you have seen it, isn't it time to watch it again?

• This fella found out what kind of information Faceyspaces had on him...
• If you have finally decided to extract Zuckerberg's nose from your life, here are a bunch of URLs to add to your HOSTS file, along with its location.

Just the facts: Bishop Amvrosios (real name Athanassios Lenis, of course) is about to be retried. He labelled gay people the "dregs of society".  What kind of people are they hiring over there? Should Catholics be happy that he's not a pedophile (not yet accused)? Maybe he's just mad about the gay orgy held near the Vatican, with male escorts and all the trimmings. Yeah, that's it.

• Everybody loses stuff; we're just particularly good at it. Last week, somebody lost dinner. Ok, leftovers in a container, but still... 
• Somebody once said that we keep our landlines for the purpose of calling our cell phones to see where they are. 
• Yesterday, someone lost a case of dog food. Dog food. Can you imagine the talent involved in losing an entire case of dog food?
• Right before a job interview, I heard the famous phrase, "How does someone lose an entire suit?

Best Headline

Was Arianna Huffington involved in sex cult depicted in NETFLIX series?

• Not all news out of San Francisco is bad or involves Nanci Pelosi. An Uber car got stuck after accidentally driving down stairs. The driver was a senior citizen. He said he doesn't normally encounter this problem when driving off tall buildings.
• You know what's next, right? Uber car plows through convenience store. Senior citizen driver says, "I went to step on the brake and hit the gas instead."
• Mr Uber President? United Airlines is on line 2. They want to know if you want the name of their public relations firm.

A man near Seattle was arrested, suspected of sending suspicious packages to multiple military facilities in DC.  Police say his motive was not immediately clear, but [you know what's coming - sing along with lefty] there was no immediate connection to terrorism. And before you ask, I was nowhere near Seattle recently.

In unrelated news, a (non-elderly) man drove his car into the FBI building. In the moments after the crash, as they were hauling Muhammed bin Boom from his car, the FBI guys said that the crash had absolutely nothing to do with terrorism.

Today in Legal News

• New York, which has thus far saved its citizens from the scourge of drinking too much soda, as well as from people who are smoking while walking, has proposed making it illegal for employees to access work-related email outside their regular work schedules.
• Usually one must live in California to find this kind of outrageous silliness.

Something happens on the Supreme Court. Maybe it's the food. Maybe it's the atmosphere. Maybe stupid multiplies in proximity to other stupid, but in the interests of the country, someone had better find out.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been pictured falling asleep. She also said she would leave the country if Donald Trump got elected. And now former Justice John Paul Stevens says the recent demonstrators should demand a repeal of the Second Amendment. 

I am not a legal scholar - far from it. I am hoping that Stevens is, but it's dubious. The Second Amendment was to protect ourselves from tyranny, locally and governmentally, yet he sees no more use for it.  Somebody's been drinking the Kool Aid, Justice Stevens. You should be ashamed.

It was inevitable, but this is pretty quick

• In the news, yet another attractive high school teacher is up on charges, this time for performing repeated acts of oral sex upon an early teen boy. She will go to jail. The boy will get a wing of the school named after him, as well as straight A's and more pats on the back than all of the sports teams combined.
• Today brings us the news that more nursing assistants have been arrested for sex with patients. This is the second bunch to be charged, out of an Iowa care facility. 
• I don't know what you think, but before they are sentenced, can we have a study on this particular healing modality? At very least, sex releases endorphins, which are the body's own painkillers. That alone should qualify as therapy, so long as they don't try to bill it to the insurance company. What is more uplifting than sex with a 20-something nursing assistant? Except sex with the 44 year old assistant, who knows a few tricks the 20-somethings don't.
• The women were charged with sexual exploitation by counselor, therapist, or school employee.  Let's have a non-legal, non-medical, non-expert discussion of these charges. Sexual exploitation... let's ask the patients if they felt exploited. It's not like they were forced (unless they asked to be forced). The CNAs are not counselors, therapists, or school employees - there is no doubt or wiggle room there. Marshall the cocker could verify this.
• Stop for a moment. Think about baseball. Now, let's ponder sex with patients... I fully expect Weird Stuff to happen in any industry. We'd hear about it from time to time. But this particular Weird Stuff has happened at one facility. Do they do STD testing of employees? Do they hire from the horny pool? Is there something about new employee orientation that sets them upon the patients? What kind of weirdness would cause this to happen at one site? Something in the water? Depression caused by living in Iowa?
• If you, faithful readers, and I got together, we could solve many of the world's pressing problems. Meanwhile, I'm feeling ill. Perhaps a stay in Iowa would do me good.

Continuing the legal beat, a woman in Ohio was arrested for making lewd comments to the Easter bunny, while having her picture taken with it/him/her. Technically she was arrested for drunkenness, because, as we all know, it's not illegal to make lewd comments to the Easter bunny (unless you're in England and hurt Bunny's feelings).

• In-N-Out Burger in California (you think we'd get this far without a California story?) is filing suit against a prankster pretending to be their CEO. The prankster is a YouTube video-maker, and the chain wants damages of more than $25,000. Because pranksters on YouTube make that kinda money.
• In other news, employees of In-N-Out Burger in California have voted to keep a prankster claiming to be their CEO, as their CEO. An employee in their Van Nuys store said, on the condition of anonymity, "He's much nicer than the real CEO, so we're going with him."
• "This kind of thing would never happen here," said Atlanta Mayor Keisha Bottoms.

Seriously, people, you need to get control of these drones. I'm not kidding when I say lives are at stake. Down There in New Zealand, a drone came so close to a plane that the crew worried it would get sucked into an engine. Although planes are designed to operate on one less engine, you don't want to test the theory, right? The Boeing 777-200 was coming in for landing. 

In related news, New Zealand has planes? 777-200s?

Philly has planes too. And three-deep parking in the No Parking zone.

South Philly has double and triple parking in front of row homes. If you tell someone they cannot do that, they get up from their pasta and meatballs, come out their front door, and put a .45 right between your eyes.

• The dog just barked at a trash truck. Not that I mind him defending us from trash trucks, but this is Dog Behavior. It always freaks me out when he does something normal dogs do. I'd expect that he'd be guarding his mommy, in bed, at this hour of the morning.

Back to the Parkland shooting for a moment... there was a drill on that day.
Just like 9-11 and countless others. Note to everyone: if there's a drill scheduled for anything, take the day off sane. Or sick.

• I don't care how old you are; going from Bangkok to Phuket is funny.

Way back around 2000, I found an interesting online group, spending a lot of time chatting with them. I noticed some kind of common knowledge of an event, not related to the topic of the group. Finally I asked why it was a good idea not to be in New York around that time. And would I be in the path of whatever happened.... they indicated that I'd probably be ok but didn't know much more, other than a large, dangerous event.

Years later I recalled this and realized they were talking about 9-11-2001.

People and organizations are studying all sorts of odd things. At different places across the world, there are electronic coin-flippers, all connected to the internet. As we know, the odds of odd/even coming out on a coin toss is 50-50, more or less. The online flippers bear this out. Approximately a day before 9-11, they went widely out of pattern. Some people report dreams of burning buildings. Just information for you - do with it what you want.

Waiting for the Stop Sign to Turn Green

SUPREME IRONY: A UK man who was struck by lightning and died was carrying a selfie stick. Even Mother Nature hates selfie sticks (and selfies).

• Beware, by-the-hour hotel room renters in Zimbabwe: the hotel might be taking video of you and selling it. Nigerians simply can't be trusted, in hotels or spam.

A Seattle Seahawks quarterback said God has spoken to him and he is remaining celibate until marriage to a singer named Ciara.  While I support their right to live any way they please, when most people hear voices, they get Special Medicine. Perhaps the quarterback just needs some Special Medicine. God told him that he needs him to lead Ciara. So let's add delusions of grandeur.

• Yet another Star Wars spinoff will tell the back-story of Han Solo. Disney announced that the next film in the series will follow the wacky adventures of Stan Polo, Han Solo's second shift mechanic in charge of footrests. Also expected in the franchise: Chewbacca's stylist, Arthur Furry, and his story about being Hairdresser to the Empire aboard the ship Millenial Poofter.

Civil rights groups are suing Chicago for more gun control. In related news, the liquor industry is suing automobile manufacturers for drunk driving accidents.

• An illegal alien, deported to Mexico five times, has shot and killed an American woman in San Francisco. Perhaps Trumpie has a point after all.  The 'undocumented' man chose San Francisco because it is a Sanctuary City that ignores Customs requests, so he wouldn't be prosecuted. Incidentally, the gun is registered to a federal agent.
• If the US guarded their borders half as well as Canada, we'd be in pretty good shape. Canada will not admit anyone who can't show they can pay their way or plans to work without proper documentation (so they will not take work from Canadians). Also, they will not admit people with certain criminal records or who are carrying drugs. Can you imagine this on the US/Mexican border? Obama would have a heart attack.

An ex-FIFA official has been banned for life from soccer.  I want this.

• Guitar World magazine has just posted an article on the Ten Best Stage Names of famous guitarists. Here are a couple:

1. Slash: Saul Hudson [Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver, Snakepit]
2. John Denver: John Deutschendorf
3. Alex Lifeson: Alex Zivojinovich [Rush]
4. Zakk Wylde: Jeff Wielandt [Ozzy, Black Label Society]
5. Yngwie Malmsteen: Lars Johann Yngwie Lannerback [Oy Vay Malmsteen]
6. Steven Tyler: Steven Tallirico [Aerosmith - ok, technically not a guitarist]
7. Tony Curtis: Bernie Schwartz [sorry, couldn't resist]

According to the BBC, Child sexual abuse inquiry 'could last until 2020'. Perhaps they're waiting for all of the living abusers to die. It's not pretty out there, folks. They protect their own.

• It's been a bad year for AC/DC, with guitarist Malcolm Young going demented and drummer Phil Rudd sentenced in New Zealand to eight months of house detention for drug possession and making threats to kill. I wonder if you can play drums with an ankle bracelet.....

A man has been arrested in Curry County, New Mexico in the US after allegedly running around in the nude and stealing a police car. After retrieving the car, the seats were burned.

• It's been a year since Malaysian flight MH17 was shot down over Ukraine. Anybody?

Slap Some Music Upon Us

Today's tittilating treat is Justin Currie, better known as the singer/writer for Del Amitri [at this point, one of my dear readers, and you know who you are, just passed out from excitement]. The Dels are Scottish, making for a hilarious situation when listening to them speak - they almost require subtitles, especially after too much alcohol (Justin, not you).  There's much to like about Del Amitri, from the interesting musical influences (don't ask me what they are) to the writing, singing and playing. Strangely enough, this is not another one of my posts about insanely great guitar players - this is just about the song.

There are many great songs from which to choose, so I'll give you a few favorites: Be My Downfall is a winner. It's a very clever piece about a guy and his girlfriend (and his wife).  One of my favorite deep haunting songs is Sleep Instead of Teardrops. I don't typically memorize or get too into lyrics but this song really intrigues me. It seems to be about serious loss. I'd love to hear about it from Mr. Currie's mouth because it's so serious. When listening, take note of the beautiful instrumentation and production. Also note an attempt to be Paul McCartney (or so I hear). Enjoy the live version of Always the Last to Know. Pay attention to another clever set of lyrics.

A Turning Point

Yesterday we witnessed an historical moment - a turning point for the country.  The egregious display of chutzpah by our president, for the children.  I am sad for my country.

We do not elect a king; we elect a president.  The penchant for the last two presidents to rule by fiat is alarming and becomes worse with time.  We have a legislative branch of congress, whether or not they accomplish anything.

None of the new rules or legislation would have prevented the massacre in Connecticut.

Those who trade essential liberty for safety deserve neither.  Look at the TSA for an example.  We are not safer for their incursion.

If gun control worked, Chicago, the home of the president, would be the safest state in the country.  It isn't.

Why does Homeland Security need 1.4 billion more rounds of ammunition at the very point the government is making it harder for citizens to arm themselves?

Gun crime went down after D.C. decriminalized handguns.

Our own attorney general, Eric Holder, presided over illegal gun transfers to drug gangs in Mexico.

The problem is a problem of mental health.  Connecticut failed to pass mental health legislation months before the shooting.  New legislation turns doctors into extensions of the police.

Obama and Feinstein have no trouble with assault rifles when they are deployed to protect them and their children.  Feinstein wants handguns taken away too.  There is an agenda, whether you care to see it or not.

As set forward in the Second Amendment, we already have the right to keep and bear arms.  The government has no right to infringe, which they just did.  The current administration is intent on destroying the Constitution and Bill of Rights.

For Obama to quote the Second Amendment out of context shows his contempt for his countrymen.

It's time to use what democratic process we have left to let our representatives and the White House know how we feel.

It's time to impeach the president (we did it to Clinton for less) and recall congress.

Let us avoid a Rush To Do Something and instead use common sense.

When the Constitution was written, a well-regulated militia was required to protect us from tyranny.  At that time, it was the tyranny of England's king.  In other words, we need to protect ourselves, not against just the lawless, but against the tyranny of our own government, bent on ridding us of our civil liberties.

We need to remain civil and work within the framework of the law.

Happy Belated Birthday

to Graham Chapman, of Monty Python fame, who would have been seventy-two yesterday.


Urinus Interruptus

So I'm minding my own business, in the bathroom, when the door opens.  Of course the door opens - it's the cat, mortified by my human desire to eliminate alone and with the door closed.  I suspect this need of ours for solitude somehow offends felines, who are smart enough to figure out bi-fold doors.  We thought we had outsmarted him (and the dog) by installing the door backwards but this took only a day to figure out.  For both of them.


The Car is Back!

After only three weeks and a day, our beloved car is back from the collision shop, fully repaired.  For those of you keeping score, it's deer zero, us one, insurance four thousand, rental car seven hundred.  It's most fortunate that I'm independently wealthy.

The wife is beyond joyous; she loves her car.  I'm happy to not be paying for a rental, even if the seats were nicer.

Let me say something nice here about State Farm: they've been great and fast.  No crap, no fuss, it's done.  All insurance should work this way (take notice, health insurance).


A Word from the AntiSports

I don't usually bother but I came across this little factlet on the radio the other day: hockey is about to start again, after the lockout.  Philly is the city with the least amount of ticket refund requests, at two-hundred.

Seriously, Philly, you are a huge, dirty city of enablers.  You put up with crappy team performance and greedy millionaires.  What do you do?  You line up to pay them some more.  You deserve what you get.  You pay an egregious amount to simply park at football games, not to mention the now standard TSA-style groping.



In closing, I urge caution on the forced national panic about guns.  There is obviously an agenda here.