The Chalkening

Consumers don't think they'll get hacked.
Consumers are stupid.

• Florida, that bastion of Amusing Stuff, aka God's Waiting Room, has just repealed a law banning unmarried couples from living together. Now all the criminals can come out from the dark. Old people sharing the same space no longer have to fear the SWAT team breaking down the door and possibly shooting the dog. Young people who flout the law need to find another quality to make them Badass.

Country legend Merle Haggard has joined that Band In The Sky. Not sure what to say about this. Admitting I feel a certain way might identify me as a country music fan, which would be tantamount to death.

• Drug maker Pfizer has terminated their planned merger with Allergan. In a rare view into huge corporate mergers, this was called off because of new laws that would not allow them to hide their money or use a tax haven offshore. Let us take a moment to empathize with these poor mega-corporations.

The World Health Organization states that the world is facing an "unrelenting march" of diabetes, which now affects one in eleven people.  So stay away from people with diabetes. It is extremely communicable through the air, like AIDS. You can also get it from toilet seats. If you do contract it, you will eventually spit out your gallbladder and turn a strange shade of orange, much like Donald Trump.

• A computer has recently painted its own 3D painting in the style of Rembrandt. Rock group Rembrandts promise legal action. The folks who ran the computer artist say the project will not be complete until the computer has a fit and runs out of the room in a Petulant Frenzy. And cuts off an ear.

Janet Jackson has delayed her tour to planning to become a mother. She's taking six months to a year off to learn how the whole thing works, another few months to perfect her technique, then will resume her tour.  Plans to use expanding belly to assist with Wardrobe Malfunctions.

• David Bowie is dominating the 2016 album chart. There's simply nothing as good for your career as death. Ask Hendrix.

In its rush to rename a law for Antonin Scalia, nobody noticed that the result would be ASSlaw. He said ass - heh heh.

• Speaking of which, I will never be too old to not laugh at farts. Or places like Lesbos and Phucket.

ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce the final season of Americans Idle. Unfortunately it's too late - everyone has migrated to the Kardashians.

• Here are four tips to stop iTunes from slowing down your computer. Actually I'll make it five: Don't use iTunes.

Lawyers for ex House Speaker Dennis Hastert have asked for leniency because of health reasons and because he is "deeply sorry."  Well, if he's deeply sorry, let's drop the charges. He has obviously learned his lesson.  Among other things, he is accused of child molestation.

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.

Safe Travels

This is weird.
Two deaths of prominent rockers in a week.
Lemmy Kilmister and David Bowie - both of cancer.

Remember the good old days, when real rockers died of overdoses?
It's not that I miss them, but.... cancer? It's a shame we can't declare war on cancer.
Not profitable.

Cancer aside, we (whoever we are) are roughly the first generation of rock and roll.  As such, our heroes (sorry) are getting old (as are our friends, but that's another matter entirely). We will theoretically outlive them.

Some color their hair. Some gracefully go gray. But they're in their seventies now. That's not old these days, but still...


I guess the magnitude of their personalities and achievements are what really got to me. To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of either but I appreciate their contributions. After all, David Jones (changed his name to Bowie because of Davy Jones in the Monkees, who recently died of a heart attack) brought us Stevie Ray Vaughan. Plucked him from obscurity. You can hear that solid blues wailing on Let's Dance. To me it was a weird fit but Bowie had an eye for talent.

Lemmy is a bit of a hero to me, not so much for his music, but for his attitude. From a very young age, he knew what he wanted to do and he did it, damn the consequences. I'm not going to say snorting speed and drinking Jack+Cokes like water at seventy is the most healthy way to do things, but it was his way, absolutely to the end.

Lemmy hung out at L.A.'s Rainbow Room, with an actual stool of his own. He played some sort of video game obsessively.  He wasn't feeling too well and had lots of checkups, with no results. The last tour was apparently played by sheer effort of will, as he wasn't well at all offstage. Finally he went for more tests, at which point an aggressive head and neck cancer was diagnosed, with an expected time of two to six months to live. The owner of the Rainbow Room brought the video game to Lemmy's apartment. Two days later, while visiting, Lemmy expired quietly, sitting right there at the machine.

Lemmy got a great sendoff. His son, girlfriend, Slash, Metallica, and Dave Grohl spoke, among others. I had no idea what a warm, giving, intelligent soul he was. He did not, however, suffer fools gladly.

He did it his way. Much respect.

The tributes are pouring in for Bowie. He was really something. Music aside, he had a great sense of humor, per his bandmates and Eric Idle, of Monty Python.



So here's the tough one: What is our legacy? How do we wish to be sent off? How do we wish to be remembered? Did we do it our way? Were we reasonably happy? Did we do stuff for others? Did we generally do good?

And for the atheists, I guess it doesn't fucking matter.

You're Just Like a Penguin in Bondage, Boyee

RIP David Jones, aka David Bowie. He passed after his 69th birthday from cancer.


What happened to the animals on the original endangered species list?

• Sri Lanka's government said that organizers of the Enrique Iglesias concert should be "whipped with toxic stingray tails" as punishment for the "uncivilized behavior" of female fans. Yes, yes, send the uncivilized women here!

More proof that 2016 is here: spray-on condoms and remote control bras. Bond - James Bond.

• Our good friends at Microsoft have enabled disk encryption by default. This is a very good thing. However, if you run Win10 and have logged in via your MS account, MS has a copy of your recovery key. That's right, MS has access to your system, via hacker, bad employee, or law enforcement. The linked article will show you how to delete the key stored at MS.

In news that nobody could have seen coming, emergency room visits caused by distracted walking are going through the roof. Or the pavement.

• Thirty five asylum seekers in Stockholm asked to be relocated because they claim the current facility is haunted. The illegal aliens in the US are already suing for numerous perceived injustices.

I'm dying here.... check out the best news bloopers of 2015. The winner might be the Kardashian rant - decide for yourselves.

• So this 18 year-old California robbery suspect got caught because he put up a Snapchat selfie.

The new Dish DVR lets you record up to 16 shows at once and watch 4 HD channels simultaneously. And if you do either of these things, you have serious issues that extend beyond DVRs. Perhaps a little Ritalin would help. Or a lot of Ritalin.

• There has been yet another instance of a man trying to steal steak by putting it down his pants. I suggest we all take the weekend and do some science: shove some steak down your pants and see if it does anything for you. DO NOT TRY THIS AT THE STORE.

If you happened to be wandering about St Peter's Basilica the other day, you may have seen a naked, 'deranged' nurse strolling around, screaming, "I'm from Brazil" in Portuguese. Oddly enough, the police took him on a stroll to the Happy Place. The Vatican referred to him as deranged. Some of the priests asked for a personal interview. For employment purposes, of course.

• What about my purchase history with Ticketmaster makes them think I want 'best seats in the house for An Evening with Neil Sedaka?' Jeff Beck? Joe Walsh?

Pat Harrington, 'Schnieder' on One Day at a Time, has gone off to join Bonnie Franklin 'Mrs Romano'.



Happy 40th anniversary to Frampton Comes Alive!  Reactions to this will be as follows:

• Huh?
• FORTY?
• God I'm old
• Huh?

Listen again. Those are some GREAT tunes, some still played by Same Classic Rock Songs All the Time stations.

You Are What You Is

A sword-weilding attacker killed a teacher and a student at a Swedish school.  I think it's long past time that we sit down and draft some common-sense legislation to handle the proliferation and illegal use of swords.

• Only in Oklahoma? A drunken lady fell out of her pickup truck while driving. As if that were not enough, her three-year-old took the wheel and steered the truck across four lanes to safety, with his brother in the back.  Mom has been arrested for DUI and child endangerment, son cited for not using horn, brights and middle finger while driving.

There's apparently a Meat Thing happening now. Processed meat (ham, bacon) are about to be linked to cancer and red meat is on their tail. In related news, human DNA has been found in hot dogs, as well as meat DNA in vegetarian hot dogs.So get out there and eat your meat before it's carcinogenic. But maybe not.. it depends on reading the article and understanding that one percent does not mean cancer.

As if that weren't bad enough, now they're coming for our SUGAR!  Rest assured, they will not be able to pry the sugar from my cold, dead hands.

• Once again, Satanists come to the rescue. A Florida man has requested to give a satanic invocation at a County Commission meeting. The commission chairman has stated that this will not happen on his watch. Yes, only Christian invocations will be accepted in that commission. This flouts a Supreme Court ruling that they must make a reasonable effort to accommodate all community members, regardless of faith.  UPDATE: The county has denied the request. A civil rights group is representing the requester.
• The Supreme Court is wrong on this ruling. Yes, a (less than) humble blogger, with absolutely zero legal or Constitutional experience is stating that the highest legal authority in the land (no, not the president) is incorrect. The First Amendment protects speech and forbids establishment of religion. Establishment is when the State or a State facility pushes or leads a particular religion. This is why we don't have prayer in public schools: public schools are run by the State, therefore cannot establish (push or lead) religion. Private schools can do whatever they want - they are not an arm of the State. A county commission is purely governmental, therefore an opening prayer is clearly establishment. This is why the Court is wrong. Their solution, makiung an effort to accommodate all community members, is merely a band-aid over the issue.
• I have long stated that prayer in any state-run entity will cease immediately when a satanic prayer is requested. People would rather stop praying than recite a satanic prayer. Rest assured, this situation is not over, like the public schools in the south where they still read the bible in the morning.

Work has been steady in tasks as well as mood lately. In other words, it's been quiet. The other day I went to the rest facilities and heard a booming voice filling the room, like a drunk, uninvited guest, convinced of his own singing prowess. I figured maybe two stalls were communicating; a clear breach of  Bathroom Etiquette<tm>. But there was only one stall door closed - either the dude was talking to the Voices or had a cell phone with him (hopefully the latter). Just in case the person on the other end of the line didn't know where the dude was talking from, I flushed the toilet first, right before he told the other party that he'd have get back to them. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

• Best headline of the week: "Hillary Clinton showed us a glimpse of her soul at Benghazi hearings. It was chilling." 
• Ok, maybe there's a better one:  "Suicidal people are locked into coffins in bizarre 'death experience' schools in South Korea where 40 people kill themselves every day." Because distraught, depressed, possibly claustrophobic people are going to learn something by being locked in a coffin. They're going to learn that they don't like being locked in a coffin. If there are no weapons in the coffin, they're going to get out, then kill themselves.

Who says science isn't valuable?  "Monkeys with smaller testicles roar loudest." Remember this when you're passed by an impatient driver in a large, expensive car.

• Indonesia has enacted a law punishing homosexuality with caning. "I'm just here for the caning."

Local rabble in Papua New Guinea are massing and burning women accused of being witches. Perhaps they can get jobs on Florida County Commissions.

• It was bad enough when clothing manufacturers introduced 'vanity sizing', where a size 32 waist might be up to a 38 in reality. Go shopping for jeans - I dare you.  Amazon has Levis in slim fit, original fit, regular fit, relaxed fit, straight, relaxed straight, slim straight, loose straight-leg, athletic straight-fit, slim bootcut, regular tapered, original shrink to fit, skinny, comfort fit, slim fit line 8, slim fit hybrid, straight motion stretch and straight welder. This is just the men's jeans!

Ben Carson is a 7th Day Adventist minister, which frightens me. Remember that freedom of religion is freedom from religion. I'm not saying he will do anything odd, but the possibility is there. He mentions God a lot and refers to his tax plan as tithing.

• Chris Christie (R-Hell) was asked to leave an Amtrak Quiet Car because he was bellowing into a cell phone, oblivious to other passengers.  See - if they let him take the helicopter, this wouldn't be a problem.

REVENGE OF THE CARS:  DOVER, Del.- "Dover police say a suspected drunk driver is facing multiple charges after the car he was driving struck and injured seven people...", "The car hit seven people..", "allowing for the car to continue until hit hit another tree. Investigators said Ligon was found to be under the influence of alcohol..."  Are these two separate incidents? I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that the car did not strike people, did not injure people and did not hit a tree. The drunken scumbag behind the wheel did it. The car, contrary to the reporter's claim, has no free will, therefore cannot make these decisions. The police will tell you that the driver must be in control of his vehicle at all times. How about a drunk driver plowed into a crowd and injured seven people?

• Further proof that we're all aging rapidly: David Bowie will release a new album on 1/8/2016, his 69th birthday.  Hmmm.. David Bowie.... 69....

Speaking of polecats, a study showed that women only make up seven percent of directors out of 250 films. And heterosexuals only make up ten percent [I made that up] - so what? I didn't realize that there was a gender check at the box office.

• Flying Spaghetti Monster News: If you want to show your faith with a pirate hat or a colander on your drivers license, the UK will now allow it. I'm still shopping for a colander with the appropriate gravitas for my license. What this actually means is that there will soon be a lawsuit in PA over religious freedom.

Check out Duracell's new Quantum batteries - they last a long time. Warning: they don't power your device when you're not observing them.

• Millenials are not pursuing cybersecurity careers, especially women.  Yeah, who wants to take a selfie in front of the same servers every day?

People are getting fed up with the gender stereotyping in halloween costumes. Now little girls are donning Iron Man and Spider Man costumes. Accordingly, some of the retail outlets are not using GIRLS and BOYS signs. Presumably, boys are now free to wear princess costumes. Coincidentally, they are also free to return home black and blue, from the beating delivered by their friends (and random strangers).  I think they should go big and wear a Caitlyn Jenner costume - arguably the best of both worlds.

• Defense Secretary Ash Carter says that the US is to begin 'direct action on the ground' in Syria and Iraq. NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND, OBAMA. Are you pathologically incapable of telling the truth? Oh, and that soldier who died? Turns out his boots were on the ground too, Carter. All of you need to take your dishonor out of DC and go make millions in the private sector.. start now, please.

TECH

This is a great article on a great website - "5 mistakes to avoid when buying your next MicroSD card". Did you know there are a number of different SD cards and all aren't created equal? 

MUSICAL EXPLOITS AND CAUSTIC COMMENTARY


I (believe I) have previously ranted about the drivel coming out of radio speakers, specifically whatever Bruno Mars song features the extremely pithy utterance "Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh....ooh!" after every line. Today some loud alleged food truck decided to entertain everyone within a two block radius with some external speakers. I was treated to an old song I vaguely remember, featuring the almost-as-pithy chorus, "Bad girl, bad girl, you're such a naughty bad girl, BEEP BEEP, TOOT TOOT." It is beyond my musical analytical capabilities to properly dissect these wonders of musical magnificence other than to say the alleged singers should be dissected, which would no doubt produce a more musically-pleasing output.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How about that Neal Schon? No?  He's the guitar player from Journey.

A song that actually made it to MTV is No More Lies, with Jan Hammer. Neal sings and the song is guitar-based. You'll see Jan Hammer playing a keyboard attached to him with a guitar strap. He's an Austrian dude who is a killer keyboardist and even plays drums (I believe he played them on this song). He is an amazing keyboardist but not entirely a pounder on the drums. His playing is more accents, like one might expect from a keyboardist who wrote the song. Another less accentive keyboardist/drummer is Stevie Wonder (no, really, he played drums on some of his biggest hits).

Neal did two albums with the Jan Hammer (Miami Vice, Mahavishnu Orchestra, solo, Jeff Beck), the first of which is called Untold Passion. This is an aptly-named song and an old favorite. It's a perfect example of dynamics, where it starts out with a sparse theme and builds over time to a blazing lead section and finale. Neal and Jan play their asses off. This is incredibly listening for me - passion and execution.

I'm not going to bother with Journey songs because we all know them. He did some incindiery guitar work there. Neal also joined Santana when he was nineteen. THAT is a pedigree.

A man of many moods, Neal has recorded a number of mostly instrumental songs, including I'll Be Waiting. I'm not crazy about his most recent release, as it seems to consist of lighter rock tunes performed instrumentally. Sure, his playing is lyrical, but I don't need to hear some of those songs (My Heart Goes On?) ever again. Completely irrelevant is the fact that the last time I saw him, he had gotten some sort of plastic surgery. It just seemed weird. I'm ugly and I don't cover the gray (although I lament it) and couldn't afford surgery if I wanted it. Fortunately my wife is so impaired, she thinks I'm good-looking.

Here's a little solo during a Journey tour.

demotivators.com