Monday, April 11, 2016

The Chalkening

Consumers don't think they'll get hacked.
Consumers are stupid.

  • Florida, that bastion of Amusing Stuff, aka God's Waiting Room, has just repealed a law banning unmarried couples from living together. Now all the criminals can come out from the dark. Old people sharing the same space no longer have to fear the SWAT team breaking down the door and possibly shooting the dog. Young people who flout the law need to find another quality to make them Badass.

Country legend Merle Haggard has joined that Band In The Sky. Not sure what to say about this. Admitting I feel a certain way might identify me as a country music fan, which would be tantamount to death.

  • Drug maker Pfizer has terminated their planned merger with Allergan. In a rare view into huge corporate mergers, this was called off because of new laws that would not allow them to hide their money or use a tax haven offshore. Let us take a moment to empathize with these poor mega-corporations.

The World Health Organization states that the world is facing an "unrelenting march" of diabetes, which now affects one in eleven people.  So stay away from people with diabetes. It is extremely communicable through the air, like AIDS. You can also get it from toilet seats. If you do contract it, you will eventually spit out your gallbladder and turn a strange shade of orange, much like Donald Trump.

  • A computer has recently painted its own 3D painting in the style of Rembrandt. Rock group Rembrandts promise legal action. The folks who ran the computer artist say the project will not be complete until the computer has a fit and runs out of the room in a Petulant Frenzy. And cuts off an ear.

Janet Jackson has delayed her tour to planning to become a mother. She's taking six months to a year off to learn how the whole thing works, another few months to perfect her technique, then will resume her tour.  Plans to use expanding belly to assist with Wardrobe Malfunctions.

  • David Bowie is dominating the 2016 album chart. There's simply nothing as good for your career as death. Ask Hendrix.

In its rush to rename a law for Antonin Scalia, nobody noticed that the result would be ASSlaw. He said ass - heh heh.

  • Speaking of which, I will never be too old to not laugh at farts. Or places like Lesbos and Phucket.

ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce the final season of Americans Idle. Unfortunately it's too late - everyone has migrated to the Kardashians.

  • Here are four tips to stop iTunes from slowing down your computer. Actually I'll make it five: Don't use iTunes.

Lawyers for ex House Speaker Dennis Hastert have asked for leniency because of health reasons and because he is "deeply sorry."  Well, if he's deeply sorry, let's drop the charges. He has obviously learned his lesson.  Among other things, he is accused of child molestation.

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