Broken? It's Best to Leave it That Way

Perhaps because it's first thing in the morning.
Perhaps because it's the work phone, which I only pick up to see if it's charged.
Perhaps just because it's work....
Yeah, because it's work.

The phone has some bizarre message about the number no longer being associated with the cell carrier.

Yeah, because it's work.

I have this aching desire to work. Well, not work, but just work. Only work.
GOOD GOD - I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CONTACT HELPDESK!
Please, no.
Anything but Helpdesk.
I'll take an increase in hours.
I'll give them my car.
Not Helpdesk....

Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.
Hey... doesn't this mean no one can call me? Nothing useful ever comes from the work phone anyway. In fact, I feel the same way about my personal phone, which is a fun mobile computer that bothers me by ringing sometimes.

• As an aside, it's probably a good idea to keep your porn on your personal phone. It's not that I have any knowledge of this (ahem), but I know the software (MDM-mobile device management) the company uses can see everything on your phone, from calls to whatever you've got stored on it.

Deflated, and with the day already ruined, I strengthened my resolve and found my way to the Helpdesk software. It's not that I can't find things that are right in front of me (I can't), but the address for the software tends to change fairly regularly. At the Twilight Zone<tm>, my last employer, where the law of gravity was just a suggestion, desks were rearranged on a quarterly basis. No one knows why, although the company was 75% female. It was also 20% gay, which meant when my good looking male coworker left, women lined up to say goodbye, and so did some of the men.

At this point, the situation usually falls apart. 

I was not disappointed.

I got the whole name and department information correct.

Then came the department to which the request went. This is the Big One.

Normal companies have a triage person, who routes service requests to the correct place... not these guys. They want to know the correct department. Since we're a rather large shop, there are many, many departments, most with weird names. To their credit, the designers put in a search field, so we could search for the correct department. To our detriment, it only lists departments.

Follow me for a second....

You have a problem with something... anything.

You fire up Helpdesk, which asks to which department the issue goes.

How on Earth do I know?

Let's play this cool. Let's do a search!

Let me see... I'll put in PHONE - that should do it.

Nope. I now have a list of departments beginning with P.

Ok, maybe iPhone. Nope- departments beginning with I.

No, seriously.. I've been here for years and have absolutely no idea where stuff goes. No one does. Even my own department changed names fourteen times since I got hired.

Before I even got to Department, I had to fill in what area my issue started with. I checked the available choices for phone, cell phone, mobile phone, and rhubarb; none of which were listed. Of course none were listed - these people have the brains of snails. Perhaps they felt nothing ever went wrong with a cell phone. Hmmmm.... software (no), computer (no), coworkers (not today), flatulence (see Coworkers). Wait - let's go with Hardware! It's hard. It's more solid than cardboard and my computer. Folks, we have a winner!

Well, so I thought....

Next category was Type of Issue.

Uh-oh.

Well, it's not a computer, kinda. It is also not email. It is definitely not trashcan (even if some characterize iDevices as such), and I don't think it's Cardboard, although sometimes I have my doubts.   Hey, wait... Mobile..it's Mobile. It's small, light, and I carry it with me. Yes, Mobile. Not mobile phone or computer.. just Mobile. Ok, let's go with that.

Annnnnd back to which department.

With something like 3400 departments (I made that up), I have a very small chance of hitting this one (Advanced Math tell us it's approximately 1 in 3512). I can page through the list, which will only take a few days. Unfortunately, after paging through the list, I still won't get the department right, because it's called ESPN, Group of Intelligent Cardboard Monitors.

Do you see my problem?

There are people at their desks with broken computers that won't boot up. They're still waiting for Helpdesk, because the request was routed to the wrong department. The joke's on them - it will never be routed to the correct department. They don't care, and answering calls or emails is not technically mandatory.

The only choice left is to.. I can't even type this without using up my PTSD days.... Call Helpdesk.

There are people still on hold with Helpdesk, having died six months. Their dessicated corpses indicating to CSI they still had the phone to their ears. Other people have committed hari-kari rather than deal with them. Their entrails are in jars, on expensive display shelving in Helpdesk Headquarters, in a large, sprawling underground complex.  Why underground?  It's much more difficult to find, should we ever come for them, nuclear weapon in hand. Helpdesk is a forward-looking department, having set up a blast-proof waiting area.

There's another reason Helpdesk is so hard to find. Have you ever seen a helpdesk person? It's kinda like Revenge of the Mole People, but ugly. It's much better that they're phone-only. They hire normies as window dressing, in case someone manages to locate them with an actual problem.

Eventually, in theory, you'll reach a helpdesk person on the phone.

Belgium is famous for its show horses. Speaking of ADHD, I heard this on tv while typing.

So a helpdesk person will answer the phone (stop it), after interminable  repetitions of how important our issue is to them (stop it) and they'll get to us at the soonest possible time. In fact, everyone in the company can recite this announcement verbatim, even at 2am, in their sleep. And now their spouses can too. If they don't have spouses, their Friends with Benefits or casual hookups can also recite this... although next week, they'll have no idea why.

Should one of the cheerful, helpful Mole People helpdesk workers actually pick up the phone, you'll breathe a sigh of relief because the operator is not in India. Then you'll stop breathing because the operators are located in a place even more difficult to understand: the deep south. One suggestion was to give you subtitles on your phone. They speak so slowly, it's not a problem for even the oldest of phones to keep up with.

Billy Bob or Lucretia Bob will then cheerfully attempt to assist you. 'Helpdesk' is a euphemism for 'good luck and don't hold your breath - nothing will ever get done.'  The amusing irony here is that they think our accent is unintelligible and hilarious, so they frequently mute the phone to break out into laughter.  Because of this, they frequently mis-hear you and 'fix' the wrong problem. And when I say fix, I mean don't fix. It turns out they too can't figure out how to fill out the online helpdesk software.

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Speaking of filling out forms correctly, I'm developing a small issue (me? An issue? Small?). My employers have always welcomed diversity and encouraged personal development (they hire a lot of weirdos). As a result, my emails tend to be more creative than others'. My boss, a gentleman of the highest order, might have a touch of the old ADHD, so he doesn't read every word in a sentence or paragraph. I sent him an email, feeling lucky because today might be the day he reads my email, casually mentioning that if he doesn't fill out this form by the time I leave, I will turn into a nagging female Bitch from Hell. If you have ADHD, that sentence reads "fill out form, Bitch," so he does the only thing he can do: he forwards it immediately to the Department of Forms (he knows which departments to send stuff to, which is unheard of from a 30 year employee). Yes, he forwarded the email, with Bitch from Hell, to the woman in charge of that department, with a guess that maybe he needs to fill out the form. He may or may not get his answer, but tomorrow I'll find out how women feel wearing a bra, thong, and Business Casual. It will upset me so much, I'll turn into a Bitch from Hell.

• I just got another email with 'personalized' ticket suggestions from Live Nation. Once again, due to algorithms that have obviously been drinking, the results are interesting. Considering that I've seen Jeff Beck twice, ZZ Top, and Eric Johnson, the obvious recommendation would be Cher. Cher - the woman of 1,000 faces, courtesy of plastic. She can't perform in front of hot stage lights or she'll melt. Cher, who believes that the president is literally Satan because she can see the red suit and horns.

Another note from the people who are 'keeping us safe'.

You know that, in order to keep us safe, the Safe Systems must be safe. And the Government Accounting Office published the fact that our Department of Defense systems are quite vulnerable to cyber-attack. I guess we'll need higher taxes so we can be kept even more safe. After all, we haven't 'sent military advisors' to any new countries recently.

• Google had a small breach. They covered it up. They waited. Then it ate Google+, which, coincidentally, was just announced to be shutting down. It's pretty bad, but don't worry... Google is your friend. They'd never do anything to hurt you (except the over 500,000 people who might have been affected).

The Great Trash Conundrum

I don't know what it is about trash, but I hate it.
Not the idea of trash... taking it out and putting it at the curb.
Come to think of it, I have always hated trash, just not as much as mowing. Now that we have hired a child (damn near) entrepreneur to do the mowing, I can concentrate my hatred more efficiently and totally on trash. This simplifies the entire operation.

It starts a few days before actual trash day. I see the trash in the house and can start to hear it mocking me. It is not pleasant. It starts to grow over the top of the can. A day later it is actively mocking me. I do my best to ignore it because it's still not trash day and to actively see the trash would mean I had to carry it outside and I'm having no part of that. This Active Ignore process is usually ruined by The Commandant, who gently 'reminds' me to take the inside trash outside. This just creates another problem, in that I have to put the wife on Active Ignore. Some people spend most of their marriage with the wife on Active Ignore, justifiably or not.

Due to the expanded load of items on Active Ignore, it becomes too much to bear and I can again hear the trash mocking me, this time even louder, with derisive laughter (Bruce). If I'm very lucky, this process has eaten up enough time that it's the night before trash and I can put everything out anyway.

My city has weird trash laws. No, really... apparently they've got nothing better to do that legislate what time you can put out your trash (the afternoon before) and when the cans have to be off the curb (next morning, latest). Worse than the regulations are the people who follow them to the letter. This would consist of exactly one person, and I use the term 'person' lightly. It's the Crazy Lady, who uses her age (438 this year) to get people to do stuff for her. Some dude pops by at precisely the first moment you can put the bins at the curb and does so. He's obviously a nice guy to do this every week, but it also could be that if he doesn't, she'd talk to him. She has snakes coming out of her head, and most of her body parts have been replaced three or four times, so I wouldn't be in the vicinity either if she spoke. The entire neighborhood is composed of really nice people who do stuff for her. One guy was replacing the roof of her patio. I pleasantly suggested he place an anvil in the roof, ala Wile E. Coyote, and rig it to the door, so when she opens it, BOOM. He looked at me like I was nuts. This is a look that no longer bothers me, as I see it all the time. In fact, I have come to expect and cherish it. They don't know this monster, who has a red phone that goes directly to the city inspectors for when she thinks something is out of spec with my house. This is the lady who reported standing water in my back yard. Standing water was Marshall's pool. It is a rather large, purple-ish thing that leaves no doubt as to its function. I'm sure they had kiddie pools wherever she came from - even the depths of hell, where she might have ruled for a period of time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, trash.
So it's nine or ten pm, the night before trash day. All of the sudden, I remember that trash has to go out. While I still have the same complete lack of enthusiasm for the task, I have no choice. But wait!!! The cans are so incredibly LOUD that I don't want to disturb the entire block. But then again, it would disturb the Crazy Lady. No it won't, she's bloody deaf. Or at least she says she is. Having no choice, I get the trash out. This actually happens without too much grief and aggravation, except for noise. I keep telling myself that wasn't so bad, but by the following week, I'm back to Active Ignore and the process starts anew. 

You think I'm done, don't you?
Nope.
There's the small matter of paper/cardboard recycling. We haven't quite gotten the hang of this yet. Obviously we know paper and cardboard when we see it.. it's just the process. Wife puts the collection basket in a different spot than the trash. And we always generate a lot of paper, overwhelming the poor basket. So every time I go to take this stuff to its can, it all leaps out of the basket, all over me, then into the can, except for the seventeen small bits of paper that lands on the ground. This is only a small issue, as it's completely dark and I can't see the ground. At this point, I receive help from an unlikely source: another neighbor. This fellow is a paranoid schizophrenic and has motion detecting lights, to detect when someone is vandalizing his car. He's a very nice guy and there were people vandalizing his car - the embodiment of "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." His light guides the way to the bits of paper on the ground.  Every week, when this nonsense is done, I swear to the wife that we need a better system for this. And every week she agrees. And every week (for over ten years), I take the same basket out, with the same result.

And this is why we had to hire someone to mow; because if trash seems like an endless house of horrors, it's nothing compared to mowing.

Just don't get me started on cleaning the house.

• Another of the World's Smallest Books: Hot Policewomen on COPS

This week's Marshall news:  This was a between week, so it was blood work. He's been turning his head quickly, beating himself to death with his own flaps. This is indicative of ear problems. At the oncologist, we asked if they could look at his ears. The nurse said.. "uhhh..... no. That's a doctor visit - you'll have to call your vet."

WTF?

So Marshall stopped to visit the vet, with steaming parents. The vet takes a look, plays with her Vet Chemistry Set, and delivers the happy news: Marshall has not one, but three separate ear infections. He has single-pawedly generated three separate bills in one day. Not only is he incredibly smart, he's incredibly talented too.  Now, if he could only use these talents to make some money...

• I  have seen some weird stuff on tv, but the winner of the name contest has to be Peaky Blinders. I don't even want to watch it with that stupid a title. I did make the mistake of watching it with the wife, which was, as I said, a mistake. Good old fashioned (very old) fistfights with Irish accents. No thanks; I can see that at work every day.
• Speaking of television, this weeks award for Best Spoken Phrase goes to one of those pregnant teen shows for the line, "Nobody told me it was so easy to get pregnant." This was closely followed by one of the mothers of the teens, who said, "Quite honestly, I wasn't surprised."

Have you ever met a person named Ignatius?
Neither have I.

• Please look carefully at your email. Phishing is out of control this holiday season. A great rule of thumb, used by me personally, is NO. Just don't. Don't open it, don't read it, and don't click on it. Since I'm one of four people on the planet who do this, I'll make a few recommendations for the rest of you:
• if some huge retail outlet sends you an email offering free this or sale that, hover your mouse over the link to see if it really goes to where it says. Better yet, go directly to their website - do not click on the link. Anything they're trying to sell you will be on their page.
• if an email asks you for money or personal/credit card details, DON'T. Period. Whether it's a Nigerian prince or Sears, don't.
• be suspicious of bad spelling or wording. No legitimate concern is going to send you anything with bad grammar or spelling.
• if there is a file attachment, don't open it.
• if the email is from a friend and looks weird or has an unknown attachment, get in touch with them to make sure they sent it, instead of being spoofed or hacked.
• if the email is from anyone under 25, delete it. People under 25 don't recognize the validity of email, instead preferring Faceyspaces. They'll send you their dopey pictures and pithy ramblings online.

Don't forget: there are only 400 days til next Christmas. Shop early.

• Researchers have discovered an unprotected database containing 1.8 billion posts collected by a Department of Defense contractor, who didn't secure the Amazon Cloud Storage correctly. This is why we do not ask the government to protect us. In fact, we need protection from the government.

There's a new method to lock your phone that uses your face. No, it's not the new one... it works like this: the phone takes one look at my face and locks itself out of fear and sheer terror. Unfortunately it also locks if you have ugly friends or relatives, or a particularly unsightly child.

• Here's a chilling headline: "Senators introduce USA Liberty Act." No good can come from this. The trick to deciphering any legislation is to read it. If you can't or won't, look at the title. The bill's effect will be the opposite of the title, hence Liberty Act is designed to take away your liberty, just like the Patriot Act. 

This week we said goodbye to that nice Charlie Manson. Unfortunately I haven't had time to put together a musical tribute, but he did present songs to the Beach Boys and others, plus he believed the Beatles were speaking to him (Helter Skelter).

The man was raised by wolves. Actually that's not fair to wolves. His (single) mom was a prostitute and not really present or a good parent. He was in California and happened to be close to a known CIA mind control facility. Considering his hypnotic influence on followers and famous people, along with the unbelievable horror of his crimes, you might consider that there could be more than a coincidence in his location. I do not know if any mental health worker ever spoke to him during his incarceration, as they did Sirhan "please call me Sirhan" Sirhan.

Who'd have thought that permanently scrawling a swastika in your forehead would get you denied parole every time?

• Speaking of goodbye, we bid a fine farewell to Malcolm Young, founder of AC/DC. Malcolm left the band recently because he was diagnosed with dementia and could no longer play. He was 67. For my money, he was the best rhythm guitar player in the business. The band is still touring. I believe his brother, Angus, of the schoolboy uniform, is the only original member.

would you eat a burger from this mascot?

With Leather!

So there's a Rebecca Black Operating System. It comes with a gun so you can shoot yourself.

• The wallpapers for Ubuntu 16.04 have been revealed. Because we don't give a shit about the operating system-we're only concerned about how it looks.

Apparently we've been playing Gershwin wrong for seventy years - the taxi horns are out of tune. The joke is on the horns, as nobody I know plays Gershwin.

• Clarence Thomas just broke a ten-year silence at the Supreme Court. He farted.

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in California last month. Twelve people sued SEPTA in Philadelphia for injury.

• In news no one saw coming, a top Vatican cardinal says senior clergy lied about child sexual abuse. I think the Catholic church has jumped the shark. They have proven time and again they cannot/will not clean their own house. Absolutely no offense meant to Catholics. 

In the interest of truth in reporting, it's very telling to note the crazed reporting of Donald Trump's Secret Service detail shoving a reporter to the ground. They seem to be conveniently ignoring the picture of the reporter grabbing the Secret Serviceman's neck first. If you need any proof of biased reporting... and Trump isn't my choice - I'm just pointing this out.

• Pennsylvania diocese knew of sex abuse for decades, grand jury says. Perhaps it's time to build a new Catholic church. The old one is riddled with child molesters and cover ups.

A British company will allow women to take days off during period. I can't decide if this is just plain silly or defamatory to women.

• How to get around Ebay's latest security vulnerability. If you're not interested in why and how, start about halfway though.

Ever wonder why tv shows and movies cover up logos? Wonder no more. I like it because I see less apples.

• Still undecided on November's election? I think I have the answer to your problems: Donald Trump and Charlie Sheen! Hookers and blow in the White House, out in the open. No more sneaking them in through the back door, a la JFK. Transparency! Make the Oval Office back into the Oral Office, as it should be. Isn't it time for beautiful women in the White House? 

Seventh Day Adventist minister and nearly inaudible presidential candidate Ben Carson has said "there is no way forward" for his campaign.  He did not say he was pulling out (if that's ok with Seventh Day Adventists), just that there was no way forward and he would not be doing the opening number at the next debate.

• The Department of Defense has invited hackers to hack the Pentagon's websites. What could possibly go wrong?

If you're into music, you should see the new movie Jaco. It's about the legendary bassist Jaco Pastorius and his influence on music. Just got done watching it - highly recommended.

I just want it to be this easy.