Perhaps because it's the work phone, which I only pick up to see if it's charged.
Perhaps just because it's work....
Yeah, because it's work.
The phone has some bizarre message about the number no longer being associated with the cell carrier.
Yeah, because it's work.
I have this aching desire to work. Well, not work, but just work. Only work.
GOOD GOD - I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CONTACT HELPDESK!
Please, no.
Anything but Helpdesk.
I'll take an increase in hours.
I'll give them my car.
Not Helpdesk....
Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.
Hey... doesn't this mean no one can call me? Nothing useful ever comes from the work phone anyway. In fact, I feel the same way about my personal phone, which is a fun mobile computer that bothers me by ringing sometimes.
- As an aside, it's probably a good idea to keep your porn on your personal phone. It's not that I have any knowledge of this (ahem), but I know the software (MDM-mobile device management) the company uses can see everything on your phone, from calls to whatever you've got stored on it.
Deflated, and with the day already ruined, I strengthened my resolve and found my way to the Helpdesk software. It's not that I can't find things that are right in front of me (I can't), but the address for the software tends to change fairly regularly. At the Twilight Zone<tm>, my last employer, where the law of gravity was just a suggestion, desks were rearranged on a quarterly basis. No one knows why, although the company was 75% female. It was also 20% gay, which meant when my good looking male coworker left, women lined up to say goodbye, and so did some of the men.
At this point, the situation usually falls apart.
I was not disappointed.
I got the whole name and department information correct.
Then came the department to which the request went. This is the Big One.
Normal companies have a triage person, who routes service requests to the correct place... not these guys. They want to know the correct department. Since we're a rather large shop, there are many, many departments, most with weird names. To their credit, the designers put in a search field, so we could search for the correct department. To our detriment, it only lists departments.
Follow me for a second....
You have a problem with something... anything.
You fire up Helpdesk, which asks to which department the issue goes.
How on Earth do I know?
Let's play this cool. Let's do a search!
Let me see... I'll put in PHONE - that should do it.
Nope. I now have a list of departments beginning with P.
Ok, maybe iPhone. Nope- departments beginning with I.
No, seriously.. I've been here for years and have absolutely no idea where stuff goes. No one does. Even my own department changed names fourteen times since I got hired.
Before I even got to Department, I had to fill in what area my issue started with. I checked the available choices for phone, cell phone, mobile phone, and rhubarb; none of which were listed. Of course none were listed - these people have the brains of snails. Perhaps they felt nothing ever went wrong with a cell phone. Hmmmm.... software (no), computer (no), coworkers (not today), flatulence (see Coworkers). Wait - let's go with Hardware! It's hard. It's more solid than cardboard and my computer. Folks, we have a winner!
Well, so I thought....
Next category was Type of Issue.
Uh-oh.
Well, it's not a computer, kinda. It is also not email. It is definitely not trashcan (even if some characterize iDevices as such), and I don't think it's Cardboard, although sometimes I have my doubts. Hey, wait... Mobile..it's Mobile. It's small, light, and I carry it with me. Yes, Mobile. Not mobile phone or computer.. just Mobile. Ok, let's go with that.
Annnnnd back to which department.
With something like 3400 departments (I made that up), I have a very small chance of hitting this one (Advanced Math tell us it's approximately 1 in 3512). I can page through the list, which will only take a few days. Unfortunately, after paging through the list, I still won't get the department right, because it's called ESPN, Group of Intelligent Cardboard Monitors.
Do you see my problem?
There are people at their desks with broken computers that won't boot up. They're still waiting for Helpdesk, because the request was routed to the wrong department. The joke's on them - it will never be routed to the correct department. They don't care, and answering calls or emails is not technically mandatory.
The only choice left is to.. I can't even type this without using up my PTSD days.... Call Helpdesk.
There are people still on hold with Helpdesk, having died six months. Their dessicated corpses indicating to CSI they still had the phone to their ears. Other people have committed hari-kari rather than deal with them. Their entrails are in jars, on expensive display shelving in Helpdesk Headquarters, in a large, sprawling underground complex. Why underground? It's much more difficult to find, should we ever come for them, nuclear weapon in hand. Helpdesk is a forward-looking department, having set up a blast-proof waiting area.
There's another reason Helpdesk is so hard to find. Have you ever seen a helpdesk person? It's kinda like Revenge of the Mole People, but ugly. It's much better that they're phone-only. They hire normies as window dressing, in case someone manages to locate them with an actual problem.
Eventually, in theory, you'll reach a helpdesk person on the phone.
Belgium is famous for its show horses. Speaking of ADHD, I heard this on tv while typing.
So a helpdesk person will answer the phone (stop it), after interminable repetitions of how important our issue is to them (stop it) and they'll get to us at the soonest possible time. In fact, everyone in the company can recite this announcement verbatim, even at 2am, in their sleep. And now their spouses can too. If they don't have spouses, their Friends with Benefits or casual hookups can also recite this... although next week, they'll have no idea why.
Should one of the cheerful, helpful Mole People helpdesk workers actually pick up the phone, you'll breathe a sigh of relief because the operator is not in India. Then you'll stop breathing because the operators are located in a place even more difficult to understand: the deep south. One suggestion was to give you subtitles on your phone. They speak so slowly, it's not a problem for even the oldest of phones to keep up with.
Billy Bob or Lucretia Bob will then cheerfully attempt to assist you. 'Helpdesk' is a euphemism for 'good luck and don't hold your breath - nothing will ever get done.' The amusing irony here is that they think our accent is unintelligible and hilarious, so they frequently mute the phone to break out into laughter. Because of this, they frequently mis-hear you and 'fix' the wrong problem. And when I say fix, I mean don't fix. It turns out they too can't figure out how to fill out the online helpdesk software.
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Speaking of filling out forms correctly, I'm developing a small issue (me? An issue? Small?). My employers have always welcomed diversity and encouraged personal development (they hire a lot of weirdos). As a result, my emails tend to be more creative than others'. My boss, a gentleman of the highest order, might have a touch of the old ADHD, so he doesn't read every word in a sentence or paragraph. I sent him an email, feeling lucky because today might be the day he reads my email, casually mentioning that if he doesn't fill out this form by the time I leave, I will turn into a nagging female Bitch from Hell. If you have ADHD, that sentence reads "fill out form, Bitch," so he does the only thing he can do: he forwards it immediately to the Department of Forms (he knows which departments to send stuff to, which is unheard of from a 30 year employee). Yes, he forwarded the email, with Bitch from Hell, to the woman in charge of that department, with a guess that maybe he needs to fill out the form. He may or may not get his answer, but tomorrow I'll find out how women feel wearing a bra, thong, and Business Casual. It will upset me so much, I'll turn into a Bitch from Hell.
- I just got another email with 'personalized' ticket suggestions from Live Nation. Once again, due to algorithms that have obviously been drinking, the results are interesting. Considering that I've seen Jeff Beck twice, ZZ Top, and Eric Johnson, the obvious recommendation would be Cher. Cher - the woman of 1,000 faces, courtesy of plastic. She can't perform in front of hot stage lights or she'll melt. Cher, who believes that the president is literally Satan because she can see the red suit and horns.
Another note from the people who are 'keeping us safe'.
You know that, in order to keep us safe, the Safe Systems must be safe. And the Government Accounting Office published the fact that our Department of Defense systems are quite vulnerable to cyber-attack. I guess we'll need higher taxes so we can be kept even more safe. After all, we haven't 'sent military advisors' to any new countries recently.
- Google had a small breach. They covered it up. They waited. Then it ate Google+, which, coincidentally, was just announced to be shutting down. It's pretty bad, but don't worry... Google is your friend. They'd never do anything to hurt you (except the over 500,000 people who might have been affected).
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